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Top Labour star injured in fight with unicorn

LCD Views’ political health correspondent has breaking news this morning that a top member of the Labour team has been injured in a fight with a unicorn.

“Shortly after 6am this morning the leading light of the party suffered wounds described by emergency responders as incoherent gouges sustained while attempting to wrestle a unicorn to the ground on an upland plain over which the sun was breaking.”

It’s believed Ms Thornberry was sent to capture a unicorn after Keir Starmer failed to return with one in a special magic free trade horse carrier.

“Emily is top drawer. You saw how she took out that disgraced Conservative lest Fallon on that chat show? The great leaders believed if Keir couldn’t bag us a unicorn than she could.”

But it seems the unicorn had other ideas.

“She is believed to have a approached it with a photograph of workers and made a humming sound to calm the mythical beast, but it turned on her and stamped its hooves.”

Ms Thornberry is said to have charged the animal abruptly, once she saw its nostrils flare, and grabbed it by the horn.

“You can’t grab a unicorn by the horn and expect to come out unscathed. It’s believed they wrestled for several minutes and Emily did have the creature on the ground, but it’s superior fable power enabled it to comfort out of her grasp and gouge her in her credibility before romping off over the horizon.”

It’s believed Labour have no plans to relent currently on the unicorn chase, although maybe any day now, who would know? You tell us?

How many more Labour MPs with enough credibility across the political spectrum to capture the centre ground and potentially swing a general election will be sent on unicorn hunts before reality is bowed to by the leadership?

No news yet on whether or not the broken sun can be repaired.

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Superhero close to personal goal of lying every time he speaks

A well known superhero is nearing his personal goal of lying every time he speaks.

“It’s not easy. It’s harder than climbing Mount Everest,” the hero told LCD’s WTF correspondent, “of course I’ve climbed Mount Everest numerous times. It’s actually the best secure storage place for secret dossiers.”

The hero has been in training for decades, and is well known for a looser than usual grasp of the truth, but lately he’s gone after his personal best with an enthusiasm that has left many stunned.

Passerby Demo Cracy had this to say, “I need a shower.”

It’s thought he will get over the line, thanks to the eager help of various media starlets.

“Marr is a total team player with the national interest at heart,” the superhero enthused, “I go on there this morning and just waffle absolute bollocks and there is no push back. It’s a charm. What the hell is Canada plus plus plus? Probably full EU membership.”

He stopped talking abruptly, aware he had inadvertently told the truth.

“I never said Canada plus plus plus. I said Norway plus Canada minus Sweden gives you German exemptions on bratwurst in addition to France importing English wine and no problems whatsoever posed by the FTA with Japan and our car industry. It will actually increase British car exports to Japan by at least, a minimum of, five hundred percent and one tuna fish.”

It’s not clear how much longer it will take him to reach his personal goal, but you can be sure of one thing, it’s costing the country a hell of a lot to watch him try.

But it’s worth it. It’s part of taking back control.

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Push for zero harmful emissions on the roads risks freedom of speech claim politicians

LCD Views has a finger on the pulse, most often of its highly excitable senior editor, but also on the latest in Environmental Political news.

This allows us to be the first to report of the growing anxiety in government, and the opposition benches, that new environmental regulations coming into force to eliminate harmful emissions on the roads could silence many senior politicians.

“It’s anti-democratic,” Michael Gove was first to strike, “it will silence the entire cabinet and, although it’s not often I extend concern to my political opponents, it will also silence numerous Labour MPs.”

Mr Gove appears to believe freedom of speech itself is at risk.

He went on to prove how much he values it by unashamedly lying to us for half an hour. A spray we have chosen not to repeat.

“The changes are targeted at improving the appalling quality of air in the capital,” our environmental analyst advises, “this will be done by encouraging electric vehicles onto the roads.

But the unintended consequence will of course be gagging serial liars who have chosen to abuse the trust of the electorate by not saying a single thing that can’t swiftly be proven bollocks.”

Boris Johnson is understood to be especially concerned and is rumoured to be establishing a base camp outside of the capital with a giant megaphone.

He’s said to already be testing the system by shouting misremembered Shakespeare at a captured group of visiting French exchange students.

“I for one think it’s high time we took measures to combat the great stink,” our analyst affirms, “When we have situations where improv character actors like David Davis are lying to parliament and nothing is done about it because the executive is too feeble? We’re in trouble. We need to act.”

Presumably the talk of unicorn Brexit of the worker’s kind is to be banned too as it’s seen as a gateway drug to the hard stuff, Canada plus plus plus.

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The DUP only derailed the Brexit process for the craic, says Arlene Foster

DUP leader “Come On” Arlene Foster has confirmed the reasons behind the Brexit veto. The DUP blocked the deal for shits and giggles.

“It was just for the craic,” Foster confirmed, with a cheeky twinkle. “After all, in these dark days we all need a laugh!”

At this point, a fiddler and a box player started ripping into a set of reels. Foster got another round of Black Mischief in. Leprechauns danced to the beat of a bodhran.

“Appropriating Irish whimsy is another good DUP joke,” Foster continued. “We are the cuddly party now!”

Other witticisms are in the pipeline. These include causing Theresa May and David Davis to have sleepless nights. Teaching the UK government that Brexit means Brexit is on the cards. To Trump them all, Foster is going to build a wall along the border and insist that the Republic pays for it.

“The last is a really good gag!” Foster chuckled. “We wouldn’t really dream of alienating our republican chums like that, but it’s just plausible enough to cause outrage. I hear that Leo Varadkar is stocking up on baked beans as we speak.”

In London, May and Davis were more morning after than top of the morning. There was relief in May’s fingers-down-blackboard voice as she announced that another agreement had been, err, agreed. The bags under Davis’s eyes were big enough to contain the mythical impact statements, as well as his toothbrush and a change of Y-fronts.

“We would like to thank Arlene Foster,” yawned Davis, “for reminding us about the meaning of Brexit. We now realise that Northern Ireland is part of the UK. We now recognise that the Irish border must be both hard and soft. Strong and stable means weak and wobbly. Schrödinger’s border, I think, was what Michel Barnier said. God, I need coffee!”

To encourage closer ties to mainland Britain, Foster humorously suggested digging away the border, and employing the Royal Navy to tug Ulster across the Irish sea. She estimates the price tag to be a very reasonable £50bn.

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Fudgberg the size of Westminster seen floating in the English Channel

LCD Views is just one of many mass media outlets reporting with joy at the sighting of a giant fudgberg the size of Westminster seen bobbing about the English Channel.

“It originated somewhere in the Irish Sea late Thursday night. Probably bubbled up from one of the sea floor vents that dinosaurs definitely didn’t come out of when the Earth was made a few thousand years ago,” our Confectionery and Political Arts correspondent advises.

“It is a confectionery designed to make anyone who takes a bite really happy, but the aftertaste is a little bit like ash.”

The aftertaste problem appears to be related to the constituent parts.

“Although a natural byproduct of political tectonics as a large plate is pushed by the UK against the EU, the fudgberg is thought to be especially good at alleviating the need for businesses to relocate or in anyway enact contingency plans relating to mass economic suicide planned by a nation state, at least for the next few minutes.

But this is probably just an old wifes’ tale. Especially now that the EU have agreed an FTA with Japan which accounts for 30% of global output.

Add that to the rest of their agreements and they can humour Ms May in her attempt to convince the voters to eat fudge.”

Health authorities have also warned against excessive consumption.

Large amounts can make you blind to the fact that there is not much actual detail of substance or fibre in fudgberg, and it is likely to be regurgitated if some of the hard Brexit head cases grab enough Conservatives around the midriff and squeeze. At which point a giant economicberg will appear and leave Dover to beach itself at Calais.

“It’s potentially a serious risk to shipping also.” our correspondent added.

“In fact it could disrupt trade between the U.K. and the EU for years, if it doesn’t stay down after consumption.

I would advise all patriots to get their patriot spoons and begin chipping away at the fudgberg.”

Fudgxit means fudgxit and fudgxit means fudgberg and if you think this is mostly nonsense then that’s because what Westminster is making is a fudgberg which is nonsense, and the opposing sides of remain and leave will have reduced it to fudgiscle before the year is out.

So will reality because pretending you’ll solve the border issue with magic won’t cut it, nor will paying to have less.

Try some fudgberg today.

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Gov under no pressure to publish impact assessment on lying and incompetence in public office

The government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland was breathing a heartfelt sigh of relief today after pressure eased to publish their impact assessment on dishonesty and incompetence in public office.

“There’s really no need to publish,” a red faced spokesman for Downing Street advised LCD, “it’s plain as day for everyone to see what the impact is, just look at the pound or universal credit.”

The significant saving in stationery costs added to the relief, as it frees up more paper in austere times for David Davis to practice his resignation letter excuses on.

“Also the prime minister. Boris Johnson. Damien Green. Liam Fox and others. It’s really good. People have taken to raiding the paper trays of the office printers, but now we can redistribute the paper we had set aside and let them get on with sentences that begin with, ‘it is with deep regret and a lovely pension that I…’”

And they will need to get drafting as the impact of their combined dishonesty and incompetence is currently enraging significant portions of the electorate and having a negative impact on people’s lives. And it’s not just issues relating to Brexit, pretty much every sector of life has been shafted by endemic incompetence which only serves tax havens. Have a look at the forensic service, just for something different.

“It’s not all bad though,” the spokesman reassured, “imagine if you always dreamed of working for a company on continental Europe, but you’ve been holding off out of fear of what your mum would say?

Now, if you’re one of the lucky millions in the next couple of years, when they tell you your job is moving to France or Germany or wherever, you might be able to go with, because Mum, it’s my job.

And then, once you’ve been resident in an EU member state for a few years you maybe able to apply for permanent residency and then citizenship and escape Brexitannia’s daily singing of the new national anthem to keep head of state Rupert happy.”

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Westminster amateur theatrical effort “A Brexmas Carol” threatened with early close after poor reviews

LCD Views’ Amateur Theatrics correspondent has filed a review of “A Brexmas Carol” that is so scathing we hesitate to publish it.

“All the ghosts are bastards,” the review begins, “and the central character is played by an actor so drab and terrified it’s stunning she hasn’t felt the damning shepherd’s crook already to drag her off stage.”

Further criticism was levelled at the famous thespian Mr Davis for “failing to learn any of the lines required to elicit the emotional reaction to Tiny Tim the audience expects to feel. This critic actually witnessed the audience hiss and boo when he broke the wall and whispered in an aside to the audience that he had no idea what the play was about.”

There was similar heat for the blonde man chosen to be Christmas Future.

“While mildly entertained by Mr Johnson’s reviving of period insults, his instinct for accidentally damaging the stage set was a great distraction that made it seem unlikely the play could even reach the final act. He was spotted numerous times whispering conspiratorially with the ghost of Christmas Present in the wings. School boy behaviour that only made it harder for the wet rag playing Scrooge to concentrate and not fluff each line.”

The introduction of a new character was met with scorn too.

“A dour woman who looked like she would be happier drowning baby dinosaurs in a bucket. At one stage, as Scrooge was close to a revelation on the value of human kindness, this previously little known figure actually pulled the rug from under the feet of Scrooge.”

The production company funding Brexmas has issued a statement declaring it will go ahead, at least until Christmas, or 0% corporate tax rates, but it’s hard to see the ongoing feasibility of the production with audience numbers dwindling daily.

The afternoon matinees are virtually unattended now.

Other critics, for less widely circulated publications, have generally been as disappointed, with the exception of the Daily Mail, which has chosen to blame 48% of the audience for reacting poorly to the shoddy show, and the effect that appears to be having on the cast.

“A Brexmas Carol” will continue to run daily until further notice, but we expect when the curtain falls for the final time it will be abrupt and purchase of advance tickets is unwise.

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British explorers canoeing up sh*t creek confirm they’re doing so without any paddles

A group of famous British explorers canoeing up shit creek have confirmed they’re doing so without any paddles.

“What use are paddles when the current is so strong?” one expedition member, “the bulldog”, asked LCD Views, “I know I told the others I had packed the paddles, but I lied, and now we’re in mid flow they can’t do anything about it, can they?”

This answer seems surprisingly acceptable to the outdated desktop computer chosen to be the party leader, on the basis of how simplistic the commands required to programme her are.

“Shit creek means shit creek,” the device, affectionately nicknamed “Maybot” replied when asked by our Technology correspondent exactly where she was supposed to be charting a course to.

Observers of the expedition have raised concerns though, that in consideration of the various risks and floating hazards certain to be encountered during the expedition, that paddles are the minimum required to steer past any blockages they may encounter.

“There’s no room for paddles!” A big, blonde boy, who is in one of the canoes because no one can work out how to throw him overboard, shouted, “the very aim of this bold, triumphant expedition is to prove that pesky rules and regulations requiring paddles and life jackets and safe moorings and water purification kits are just an unnecessary burden on the pocket books of the expeditions backers!”

“I’m not really sure they can survive shit creek without maps or ways to bat aside the turds. I think they’re all going to drown. Any rescue parties may drown too,” Our Bad Ideas specialist commented.

“I asked them, don’t you think you should at least beach up for a while until you have examined the way forward in excruciating detail? But no one replied. Their frantic bow waves are washing all sorts of horrible muck up onto the shorelines.”

The expedition leader did helpfully respond though,

“Up shit creek without a paddle means up shit creek without a paddle.”

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Once Brexit occurs there will be no economy anymore so there is no need for impact assessments

The prime minister has moved this evening to shore up the position of her embattled Brexit secretary by clarifying that once they have successfully done Brexit the UK economy will cease to exist, so there is no need for impact assessments.

“Look, everyone knows David Davis is composed of equal parts piss and wind,” a surprisingly frank spokesman for Downing Street advised, “but that’s why he was chosen to be Brexit Secretary.”

They went on to illuminate that we’ll all be so busy trying to untangle the ever changing bluffs and excuses of Mr Davis that we won’t realise the clock has run out until the whole country falls off the famous cliff.

“Once we have successfully begun freefalling down to the glorious rocks of imperial nostalgia, in which Britain just bosses the world for their treasures, the economy will be finished. Thus, anytime spent on impact assessments would have been wasted.”

This makes Davis a visionary and an energy conservationist.

“We will easily be able to do any impact assessment after the impact and it will be a lot more accurate.”

As to whether or not the government has rigged select committees by loading them with useful idiots who will decide Davis is not in contempt of parliament because he couldn’t have delivered the assessments because he never ordered them made, is up to individual voters to decide.

“They should order an impact assessment on their chances of being re-elected after holding the entire country and its future in contempt,” LCD’s Democracy in Action correspondent suggested, before wondering how David Cameron is getting on these days in his fancy shed?

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David Davis admits that the envelope upon which the Brexit impact statements were written was accidentally recycled

Davis’s admission is frightening on several counts. Back of an envelope, for such important documents? Davis can write? Who the hell still uses envelopes?

On the other hand, it is encouraging that the government is embracing recycling. After all, most of its policies are cast-offs from the USA. Even Brexit is an old idea. It dated back to the UK’s original entry into what is now the EU in the 1970s.

LCD’s Environmental Issues Correspondent reports that  scraps of paper have swelled the recycling bags in Westminster this month. In the main these have crude calculations written upon them and then crossed out.

Some of these items have been forensically analysed by LCD’s work experience student, Adam Upp. Upp, who takes his GCSE Maths next year, was able to confirm that the calculations were “a bit tricky” and that they were “doing my head in”.

Imagine the consternation at Brexit HQ, where all the experts have been carefully removed from their posts. If our expert struggled to make sense of the calculations, how would Davis himself cope? “They were not as straightforward as some people imagine,” be boasted. Presumably, he included himself in the category of ‘some people’.

Instead, the impact assessments will be produced “a little closer to the negotiating timetable”. That must be the negotiating timetable which has been progressing slowly over the last six months.

So, when can we expect to see the impact assessments? “I am really tight on time,” Davis snapped. “This is a difficult time. Besides, the Department has run out of envelopes, since we all use email these days.”

When pressed on what Brexit means to British business, Davis’s urbane facade finally slipped. “Brexit means Brexit means Brexit means Brexit. End of, so there,” he snarled. “Fingers crossed, no comebacks. Ner nerny ner ner, and your mum’s fat.”

Your correspondent offered Davis an old fag packet to replace the missing envelope. The offer was gratefully accepted.