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Taliban give Johnson premium rate number to phone them on and then keep him on hold

GLOBALLY SHAMED : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be “snacking heavily” and “feeling a little bit drowsy” after staying up all night attempting to phone the Taliban.

It’s unreliably reported that at the time of going to print he’s been on hold waiting to talk to the leaders of the group and has been “for hours”. Although reassuringly the endurance test “didn’t stop him having his usual port and whiskey in the small hours”.

It seems after Mr Johnson failed to convince President Joe Biden to even talk to him about the situation in Afghanistan he decided to call the country’s temporary new rulers and talk to them directly.

“The PM figured he’d use his famous charm and sense of humour and win the Taliban over to his way of thinking,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He even has a slogan ready to go – Get Evacuations Done. It’s a showstopper.”

It’s believed his staff did initially manage to connect him to the leader of the Taliban, who promptly asked him to call back on a premium rate phone number.

“Mr Johnson figured it was some kind of test of his sincerity and phoned back on the premium rate number,” the source explains. “Although he waited a few minutes so the Taliban would start to worry if he was never calling again. If they had blown their chance to get on his good side.”

But it seems when he did call back the phone was answered promptly by a staffer in Kabul who then asked him to “Hold please while I transfer your call”. Next there was some muffled background conversation and giggling, before waiting music started playing.

“Vivaldi’s Four Seasons is the waiting music. Mr Johnson is currently listening to autumn for the 10th time and waiting for the start of spring. He will make the breakthrough. He’s got his Alexander the Great gags all ready and waiting to go.”

The per minute cost of the call hasn’t been revealed, although like all of Mr Johnson’s choices it is likely to run into the millions and the taxpayer will foot it.

“If Churchill was alive today he’d do exactly the same,” the source adds, “Boris keeps saying it. Although unlike Churchill, Boris Johnson is an idiot.”

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“Embrace Brexit HARDER” – Downing Street launch new £350m publicity drive

SEEING IS BELIEVING : The decision of the great British public to abandon reality and the 21st Century together is looking pretty bloody stupid these days. More so each day. Happily reality is still of no interest to the Prime Minister.

Fantastical thinking will tell you that the apparent and accelerating failure of the Brexit project is not because it is inherently shit, otherwise the Official Opposition would clearly oppose it. More so given that now the Lexiters no long run the party it is solely a fascist Tory project.

To get ahead of the inevitable Labour pivot, once some genius works out why they’re always polling 10 points and more behind the government, regardless of what happens, ever since they voted for Johnson’s Oven Ready Brexit – thus handing the government open slather to write the Brexit narrative, Johnson is acting now.

“We’re launching a new mass publicity drive to urge Britons to believe in Brexit harder,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “We hope to convince those stubborn realists that don’t believe at all to add their auras to the power well and make Brexit a success. It won’t happen on its own account, as it’s an insane project.”

Accompanying the billboard and social media campaign will be a tutorial on how to infect yourself with dancing sickness, and additionally how to punch yourself in the face. Two key strands of the Brexit belief system.

“We’re ready to deny food riots are happening too,” the source adds. “But just to be well ahead of those the PM is choosing which foreign country to go on holiday too when Priti Patel is given free range to crush the starving multitudes into the dirt.”

Believe HARDER in Brexit. Embrace Brexit HARDER. If you don’t you’ll only notice the lack of food and other goods faster.

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Downing Street defends decision to fly McDonalds thickshake from Brussels to Downing Street

LET THEM EAT CAKE : 10 Downing Street has triggered another controversy of the “one rule for us and another for them” category today after a completely unfounded and fabricated rumour was invented and published.

The rumour takes its inspiration from the extravagant spending of the UK’s real royal couple, the Johnson’s, who hit the headlines for donor funded wallpaper right when they were trying to keep meals out of the mouths of hungry children.

Events this week, as the U.K. food supply chain continues in uninterrupted meltdown, will supply even more opportunity for double standards.

“It’s important the the plebs understand that they are plebs,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is why Mr Johnson and his cabinet of clowns routinely break the ministerial code and the actual law without consequence. But you just try not paying a parking fine and see what happens to you. Ha! Plebs!”

This understood it makes perfect sense for the couple to spend a rumoured two hundred thousand taxpayer pounds to have a McDonalds’ thickshake flown in from Brussels. Brussels was chosen because of its EU resonance and also because it still has a milk supply to fast food outlets. We don’t because of Brexit.

Everyone will be able to share the joy as Mr Johnson sucks on that straw until every last drop of thickshake has been consumed.

“He’s going to live stream drinking the shake and then laugh at you all for a full hour,” the source adds. “After that he’ll take questions on how good it tasted and whether or not having it flown back on the expensively repainted Union Flag jet added to the flavour?”

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Government scientists say invention of homeopathic food will solve HGV food chain crisis

LEAN AND MEAN FOR BLIGHTY : Daily now the news is full of another crisis in the food supply industry. First it was chicken, then it was beef and now it’s milk. Something will have to be done about it.

The obvious solution of quietly unwinding Priti Patel’s world beating victory of ending Freedom of Movement is not a goer and the British people voted overwhelmingly to be trapped on their island with Priti Patel. Another solution must be found.

Luckily good old fashioned British pluck and ingenuity will see us through. Allied to an executive that loves to splash the cash.

“£350m per week we’re putting into finding alternatives for food,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And we think our ramped up, world beating team of food scientists have cracked it!”

And cracked and it they appear to be after the discovery of homeopathic food.

“It looks like we do have an answer. Homeopathic food will allow all supermarkets to be fully stocked forever with barely a dent being made in the nation’s food stockpiles.”

The solution is as simple as it’s genius and only Brexit scientists could have developed it.

“Homeopathic food works like homeopathic medicine,” the source explains. “Anyone can do it at home. Just take say one chicken nugget and put it in a full bath tub of water. Give it a stir and like magic you have hundreds of litres of entirely effective chicken nuggets. Drain off and bottle the water. Repeat. Do it all day. One nugget will make millions of other nuggets this way.”

The technique works for any food substance and any diet.

“The future of Brexit is now safe thanks to our scientists,” the source adds. “We’ll be holding a National roast beef feast next month. We’re going to throw one plate of Sunday roast into an Olympic swimming pool and feed the nation!”

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Nigel Farage’s dry cleaner said to be “devastated” by McDonald’s milkshake crisis

A SPLASH IN THE PAN : There was always going to be a long list of losers and losers from Brexit, something the pushers of the crystal meth of politics were determined to point out.

Who can forget the long list of memorable warnings such as “We don’t hold any cards”, “Once we leave we’ll starve”, “We need the EU more than it needs US” and “Listen to the experts – they all say Brexit is batshit”, but merrily went the Great British into a toothless wilderness.

But one loser is feeling it more keenly than most. Nigel Farage’s dry cleaner who fears that Brexit will now bring him bankruptcy.

“It was great a year or two back,” the anonymous small businessman told LCD Views. “Remember when the fash were getting milkshaked the moment they stepped outside? Fantastic for business. All those donor bought Saville Row suits needing dry cleaning? And milkshake is bloody hard to get out. Even when I did my best old Nige would still have a whiff of sour milk with his usual cologne of stale fags, stale beer, halitosis and 1930’s beliefs. So he’d buy a new suit and bam! Milkshaked again. What a hoot!”

Sadly for the dry cleaner to the stars the good times are now in the past.

“That’s it for me. The McDonalds’ milkshake crisis spells the death kneel for my business. I don’t know what I’ll do now? Unless some fishermen can be found to fling burley at him? That’s a long line though. I guess I’ll have to retrain for a new career in cyber. Or maybe as a ballerina?”

At least for the evergreen menagerie of British politics it’s a happy day. Mr Farage can now go goosestepping about the town and not worry about an incoming shake to take him down.

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Michael Gove to be new trade envoy to Columbia

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: Nostril bender in chief Michael Gove has a new role. When Liz Truss was casting around for volunteers to promote British Trade around the globe, he allegedly jumped at the chance. 

“It was right up his sinuses, I mean his street,” confirmed Dutchie of Lancaster spokestoker Ebenezer Goode. “I can reveal that Michael has been on an undercover mission for several weeks now, it’s been a real shot in the arm for him.” 

It’s a fact that Michael Gove gets up some people’s noses, in the same way that certain illicit substances get up his. Allegedly. 

“He also needed a break,” continued Goode. “After all those rumours about his marriage that dreadful Sarah Vine woman wrote about him. If Boris can stick it where he likes and get away with it, why not Michael? In Columbia all his problems can vanish in a puff of smoke.” 

He’s a joker, he’s a smoker, he’s a midnight toker. Allegedly. 

Gove is apparently undercover with a young gentleman of his acquaintance. Undercover, or, if the rumours are true, on top of the covers, on the settee and over the kitchen table. And all the time boosting our trade with Columbia! Gove has quite the nose for these matters. Allegedly. 

“I can neither confirm nor deny these rumours,” said Goode shiftily, popping a pill (“It’s for a migraine,” he explained). “He’s on his uppers, you must understand this. And downers. Follow the money, the good old LSD.” 

Groovy man. Far out. The man with kaleidoscope eyes. Allegedly. 

“The sky’s the limit,” concluded Goode. “High up in the sky, with diamonds, crazy diamonds, shining on, and Michael is as high as they come! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” 

We Global Britons all wish that Michael Gove gets a good deal. And that he has a successful trip. Allegedly. 

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Country that can’t stock its supermarkets dispatching trade envoys around the world

REWARD FOR EFFORT : Alleviating news this week that Boris Johnson’s trade genius Liz Truss has been ordered to award prominent Brexiters with even more public cash expenditure.

The overwhelming majority of nostalgia freaks who could never grasp the value of Union with the EU27 have already been ennobled, which is nice, and now they’re being given additional ways to spend their retirements.

“We’re sending them all around the world to talk up trading with the United Kingdom,” a small parasite that lives on the apple discarded in one of Ms Truss’s desk drawers told LCD Views. “Botham, Hoey and the rest of the list of shame are going to go about the world carrying the new variants we produce with our herd immunity experiments and bring back trade for Blighty.”

It’s believed the envoys, who demonstrably know nothing at all about trade, because they’re Brexiters, will serve to big up Blighty and lead to a wealth of trade. At least until the internet is invented.

“It’s hoped one of them will find Eldorado,” the small parasite explains, “and be able to bring home fully stocked supermarket shelves. Nando’s with chicken. McDonalds restaurants with milkshakes. Beefeaters with beef. So on like this. It’ll solve those Brexit teething problems.”

The other driving force for it is the same as that behind Mr Johnson’s trade dinghy.

“Mr Johnson also knows sod all about trade. He bases his policies on a fetish for imperialism and not realty. The trade envoys fit neatly into that.”

But some are not entirely impressed. Surprisingly they’re not all overseas, and the long suffering functionaries that will have to entertain our clueless heralds.

“We can’t even stock our supermarkets, but sure let’s send Beefy to Australia to explain to the Aussies that we’re a trading powerhouse. That makes perfect sense.”

Perfect Brexit sense. Which means it’s nonsense.

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Liz Truss appoints Botham as trade envoy to Australia because like her he knows “f*ck all” about trade

STICK A FLAG ON IT : A special kind of talent is needed these days to embarrass the U.K. overseas and many thought we’d exhausted the available talent pool after five years of Brexit, but Liz Truss has stepped up to the plate and hit another six.

It seems Dominic Raab’s week long spot in the spotlight as most humiliating Secretary of State is over, at least for the day, after Ms Truss wowed social media with an announcement that old Beefy himself was now a trade envoy to Australia.

The choice of the famous cricketer of forty years past to wow Australia into demanding imports of cheddar and pasties was obvious because “he’s a committed Brexiter and so knows fuck all about trade”.

This deep and enduring knowledge aligns neatly with Ms Truss’s own. We’ve all just got to hope the Aussies don’t mention it.

“Rewarding Brexiters for their pigheaded commitment to our mission to make the United Kingdom the most embarrassing country on Earth is vital to the success of Brexit,” an aide to Ms Truss told LCD Views. “It’s all very well to destroy a vital trade system with the EU, but you’ve got to have somewhere far away that can never replace it.”

Lord Botham should have special success Downunder because the distant antipodean colonial upstarts are well known to have an automatic deference to English titles.

“We expect once Botham staggers off the Union Flag plane they’ll line up to doff their caps and give the mother country whatever he demands,” the aide adds, “although of course it would be handy if the EU has any established agreements we can just cut and paste, weaken the conditions of and then sign in a hurry. This has been Ms Truss’s successful recipe.”

Whatever the impact on trade though is thought to be unimportant.

“This is primarily about rewarding Brexiters for their ability to deny reality and live in a mind palace of total fantasy and privilege. As such it only matters that they feel puffed up, not that they achieve anything. Brexit isn’t about that.”

It wasn’t just Botham in the news though, Baroness Hoey has been appointed trade envoy to Ghana presumably because everyone wants to get her as far away from the House of Lords as possible.

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BREAKING : Downing Street say cancellation of winter Wicker Man is because of “pingdemic”

SOME PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE THE WORLD BURN : Sorry news today for Brits anticipating the revival of traditional British festivities with the announcement that the endless ‘pingdemic’ has claimed another victim.

It was anticipated that a winter edition of the classic Wicker Man festival would be held up and down the length of the country to celebrate a full of year of freedom from the tyrannical EU and its supply of much needed skilled labour and food. Sadly the Wicker Man has been contacted by the NHS App and told he has to self-isolate.

“He won’t be able to practice for being burnt now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You don’t just rock up and set fire to yourself. This isn’t Brexit. Intense training and preparation is needed. By the time the Wicker Man comes out of self-isolation in September there won’t be enough time left to prepare.”

The cancellation of the festive day is a double blow as a special giant sized vegan sausage roll had been commissioned from Gregg’s to be burnt with the giant wicker statue. Gregg’s have refused to comment, but one prominent front bench Tory MP is said to be “fumin'” as she calculated the incineration of the controversial snack would really “fire up her base”.

There were already rumours that the special day was in jeopardy because of the imposition of a surprising range of new red tape from Brussels simply because we left the trading union with the EU27.

“This is provably false and just another pathetic attempt to smear Brexit,” the source explains, “patriotic Brits had already supplied enough 70’s wicker furnishings that they had laying about in their sheds. The Wicker Man was done and ready to burn. It’s the pingdemic.”

As a consolation for the loss of the festival Brits will be encouraged to come together in green spaces near their homes, put up the Union Flag bunting and just punch themselves in the face for several hours.

“Everyone has been doing that since mid 2016. It should be a very professional display by now of what Brexit means.”

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BREAKING : Vitamins added to UK water supply to combat food shortages

STRONG AND STABLE SHORTAGES : Welcome relief for people today who are bored of staring at the widening gaps in supermarkets across the United Kingdom with remedial action being taken by the Executive.

Clearly one way to deal with the supply side crisis is to reverse the changes to immigration laws that ended Freedom of Movement for good. But that would rob the mighty British public of the amazing victory of no longer being able to easily live, work, study, settle, love and holiday across the entirety of the EU, while stoping the EU27 citizens from coming over here and stealing our classic British summer.

What point a stable food supply when it means that a highly educated Continental can just waltz over here and increase our economic output?

“Obviously Brexit was always going to need a bit of the old Blitz Spirit to make a success of it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is why we spent so much time in 2016 and after pointing out it won’t all be plain sailing as we seize the advantages of Liz Truss pretending to do trade deals. So now we’re into the business end of Brexit.”

And the business end of Brexit means finding ways to alleviate a crisis in food supply.

“We’ve already added compounds to the water supply to make enough people believe Brexit is fantastic,” the source explains. “That’s why a tiny percentage voted to do it in a non-binding opinion poll. But now we need to step up that strategy to keep Brits fed. If you’re water tastes a bit funny after today it’s because the Vegemite shipments Liz Truss has secured from Australia have been added to your water to keep you full of Vitamin B!”

Brexit Britain. Lean. Mean. Hungry. Just the way we like it.