Posted on

Downing Street confirms House of Commons is now fully insulated against reality

BE OF GOOD CHEER YE GENTLE FOLK : The UK is ready to take on the challenges the UK’s government is throwing at itself unnecessarily after completion of work at the House of Commons.

Strong and stable government is required for a well maintained, representative democracy and to be stable it needs to be fully insulated against information it doesn’t want to hear. Reality is no use when great changes are in hand. Work to ensure an “impenetrable buffer” against reality has been ongoing for several years, and 10 Downing Street confirms today it is “110%” complete.

“We’ve ramped up the insulation of the old Palace of Westminster and now nothing, nothing that is unpleasant can get through and reach the ears of the MPs. It’s cotton wood headpieces over the ears for all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Mr Johnson can lie through his teeth and no one will be any wiser. His own MPs will applaud of course as the lies serve tax efficient arrangements for their donors. The opposition can be guaranteed to go along with the farce and do nothing to upset the status quo, as they helpfully tied themselves to the mast of the HMS Brexit on the 24/06/16 and no one has seen fit to cut the ropes. Hey ho! Oven Ready Calamity here we go!”

The insulation will also help the UK meet its climate change goals too, as confirmed by the spokesman.

“That’s because we don’t really have any,” the source grins, “because we’re idiots. But that’s what the people voted for and we’re delivering on our promises to donors.”

Posted on

“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” – PM hits the right note on SNAFU UK

YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on the front foot today and leading his increasingly desperate and bedraggled people out of the wilderness he’s lead them into.

It’s said the PM will style himself “after Nero” and give a speech today from the 10 Downing Street balcony. He will be dressed in a “toga” that will be “heavily stained from the bunga bunga party that is alleged to have happened in that Russian oligarch owned villa in Tuscany when he was Foreign Secretary”.

The speech itself will be classic Johnson and acknowledge the terrible state of today by promising a “lovely day tomorrow”. It is expected prominent UK journalists will report the speech “breathlessly” and fail to point out that it’s always a lovely day tomorrow under Boris Johnson, but today is always worse than yesterday.

The PM will break from his usual classical Greek references and instead tip his hat towards his colleagues by inventing some Latin. “Aedificare retro melius” is expected to feature repeatedly in the energetic and promising speech which will prove to voters all that is needed to make a success of the country is to deny reality.

But he will also show his impressive range of learning by drawing on a classic line from the 19th century German philosopher Nietzsche and remind the nation, “Out of life’s school of war—what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger“, which may come as a surprise to the 150,000 people who have largely avoidably died in the pandemic thanks to Mr Johnson’s morally bankrupt government.

The PM is expected to receive strong backing from his Home Secretary Priti Patel who is said to be very keen to not kill anyone at all, but rather have them exist in a state of “never ending torture”. The Chancellor will also offer his support out of a sense that it is “not yet time to plunge the knife in and try and become Prime Minister”.

Posted on

Department for Levelling Up applies to Brussels for EU redevelopment funds

FRIENDS IN NEED : The Department for Levelling Up has demonstrated today that it takes its mission seriously with the announcement that it has applied to Brussels for EU redevelopment funding.

The delipidated state of the United Kingdom has been a growing concern since 2010 with everyone baffled as to what has been going wrong. Most careful consideration would lead to suspecting the European Union is to blame as everyone knows that without UK cash it is finished. Well, it’s time to give something back.

It’s not clear who exactly signed off the request, although as the Department is now being run by Michael Gove, he is in the frame as having the “brass neck for it”.

To help the EU agree to fund the “levelling up” of the UK domestic media will run unusually abusive stories about Brussels with the French getting some heavy treatment, just because.

“The EU has to ask itself if it really wants a raging bin fire just off its coast?” a source inside the Department told LCD Views. “It’ll be very embarrassing for the European Union to be seen to be giving the UK a punishment beating by not paying to rectify the damage of over a decade of Tory policies. That sort of churlishness will not recommend the bloc to new members.”

Voices suggesting that tax havens should cough up the cash will thankfully be ignored.

“We can’t use British taxpayers cash to level up the United Kingdom,” the source explains. “British tax payer money is needed in the bank accounts of British territories that provide tax efficient services. Brussels must pay for our schools, roads, water, health and really everything or they risk missing out on the vital UK food bank market.”

Lord Frost is expected to support Mr Gove’s request by going to Brussels with a full nappy and running around the European Parliament with it screaming incoherently about wanting a toy truck for Christmas that comes “with a HGV driver”.

Posted on

Electricity shortages solved by installing wind turbine in House of Commons

THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING IN THE WIND: A solution has been found to the energy crisis. Clever boffins have found a powerful and infinitely renewable source of hot air. 

The answer is to install a wind turbine in the House of Commons. The infinite amount of wind produced by the 600 odd windbags is estimated to be sufficient to power the entire UK. 

Those reliant upon gas have not been forgotten. A large biomass converter has also been installed. This will generate enormous quantities of natural gas, using the endless supply of bullshit. 

“I’ve done the sums, it will definitely work,” confirmed energy analyst Jenna Rater. “In fact, just a single speech by Boris Johnson is likely to be enough to power the whole of London for a month!” 

In fact, the figures suggest that the UK will produce a surplus of power, which could then be sold to the continent. 

“That’s a good idea in principle,” agreed Rater. “Unfortunately, when we left the EU, some patriotic joker booby trapped the cross-Channel electricity cable, causing it to blow up when anyone dared to use it.” 

What will we do with the surplus power, then? 

“Beam it direct to Australia, according to the Ministry of Making Up Simplistic Solutions On The Spot,” said Rater. “Of course, this is deeply impractical and relies upon technology that doesn’t exist. But bless them for trying!” 

One advantage must be that, with all this unlimited supply, prices will come down. 

“Are you joking?” exclaimed Rater. “Far from it! Indeed, all households will be obliged to run all their appliances all the time just to stop the system blowing up. But it’s Great British World Beating Levelling Up power, so we just have to suck it up.” 

Power to the people! And we will all pay through the nose for it. 

Posted on

State schools ordered to hold regular “Pretending everything is fine” days

IT’S A LOVELY DAY TOMORROW : THE DEPARTMENT FOR EDUCATION is under new leadership with new ideas and state schools are soon to bear the brunt of it.

In order to align education with media output state schools will have to promote Britishness in as many ways as possible, while also helping to ensure everyone catches the patriotic virus.

“Pretending everything is fine days will help British youth get into the spirit of the new reality,” a source inside the Department told LCD Views. “A range of patriotic British songs will be written to be learned in the place of Maths. Schools will receive funding incentives dependent on how well they promote Mr Johnson’s vision for the country. Traitors schools will be turned into debtors prisons, which will provide valuable early experience of what the long term goal of the government is. Patriotic schools will receive vouchers to spend on flags. We think this will revolutionise education and make everyone ready for the 18th century.”

Pretending everything is fine days will allow whole communities to join in school focused festivities.

“No one will mention food or energy shortages on the days they pretend everything is fine. School meals will be withheld (if there are any) and children will be encouraged to mock eating a banquet in front of wealthier kids so everyone feels like they’re in it together.”

Once the new days are successfully embedded in school routines classes will tour the country in special Union Flag buses to help areas suffering join in.

“Children will be dressed in little black shorts and given Union Flags to wave as they tell that farmer that everything is fine.”

Admitting there are serious problems afflicting the country will be deemed very “un-British” which will become a crime.

“Remember, so long as ministers are happy everything is fine,” the source adds. “Now help your mum find the candles and matches and celebrate the coming blackouts. They won’t be just any old blackouts, they’ll be British blackouts, so everything is fine!”

Posted on

Major Brexit win announced after ability to punch yourself in the face becomes legal

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : DOWNING STREET has shown just how serious it is today about cutting up all that smothering EU red tape by legalising punching yourself in the face.

The decision to make “battering yourself silly in public” legal was taken to give British voters a way to show everyone exactly what Brexit means.

“It won’t just be punching yourself in the face,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “British subjects can also hit themselves in the head with sticks. Impress their neighbours by kicking themselves in the nuts, if they have them, or just the general area if they don’t, we’re still working out the finer details. But have at it! Go totally Brexit on yourself.”

Supporters of the Johnson government have welcomed the new law as “long overdue” and simply decriminalising an activity that has become a national past time since the 24/06/16.

“You won’t see the weak willed Continentals publicly giving themselves black eyes,” the source enthused. “This law is based in British values and tells everyone exactly who we now are.”

Responding for the EU though a spokesman just sighed and said “It’s been obvious what you’re doing the whole time”.

“Watch Johnny Foreigner run from our borders now!” the Downing Street source added. “They don’t want the dry cleaning bills you get standing next to a patriotic denizen of this sceptred isle. We’re the best! We’re world leading at hitting ourselves in the head! Now. Watch me curl my fist up and knock my lights out while shouting about the German Automakers!”

Posted on

“Food shortages will encourage imagination in the kitchen” – says pro-Brexit think tank

BRING A LONG SPOON : The Institute for Fascist Economics, a key supporter of both Brexit and the UK government, has used its daily time slot on the BBC breakfast programmes to promote the advantages of increasing food insecurity in the United Kingdom.

“Less is more,” Random Attractive Young Woman Chosen To Appeal To Sex Starved Ageing Gammon told viewers of Sunday morning chat show ‘Breaking the Fast’, presented by Any Number of Conservative Party Members Placed Into The Beeb To Further Satan’s Agenda.

RAYWCTATSSAG went on to enlarge on the subject, looking directly into the camera.

“In the old days when Britain was an empire wives would use all the imagination available to them to cook nutritious meals from a peace of dried bacon rind found on the street and the dust they swept up in the hall. It took imagination to wow your family and guests. But in recent years, due to the food tyranny of the unelected bureaucrats in the EU, British kitchens have suffered from a famine of the mind. It’s been far too easy to take control of British sovereign waters by lulling everyone into a stupor with a stable and high quality food chain. Now sovereignty has returned to British kitchens and it is the patriotic duty of housewives to make the most of it. Like sovereignty itself, cooking is all in the mind.”

RAYWCTATSSAG went on to suggest that the empty shelves and the coming famine would see “British cooks become world leaders in traditional British dishes such as ‘The Neighbours’ and ‘The Pets’. The current supply chain issues are the fault of the EU anyway, so Britons have to make the best of it and draw lots like shipwrecked sailors.”

The pro-Brexit Think Tank went on to suggest that “Once a snappy slogan is thought up you’ll all feel much happier about all of it”, before changing subject and suggesting it was time to “Privatise the NHS to improve patient care.”

Posted on

Angel of the North moved to Westminster as part of levelling up agenda

THE BORROWING OF THE NORTH : The rebranded Department for Levelling up, Housing and Communities has scored its first major triumph today with the successful relocation of one of ‘the North’s’ most famous landmarks.

The landmark in question is of course The Angel. Most people only know it from photos and few can guess where it used to be, except north of Watford, but now all you need to do is take a look at the Palace of Westminster.

The decision to relocate The Angel is rumoured to be that of the new head of the Department for Levelling Up, Michael Gove, who dreamed up the plan while “completely off his tits on a Scottish dancefloor” according to an unnamed source who we would trust as much as we trust Michael Gove.

The actual relocation was done in the “dead of night” so as not to disturb the ferret racing in the area by day.

“Michael was especially concerned not to interrupt the Flat Cap Appreciation Society Annual Beauty Pageant, which is either a real thing in the North or something else that came to him when he was hammered,” a source inside the Department tells LCD Views. “He knows a lot about the North. Not just that it’s grim up there. Now that he is in charge of levelling up they ain’t seen nothing yet. Gove will ensure the harrying by the Normans that everyone is still angry over will seem like a picnic.”

However not everyone is accepting the relocation of Gormley’s famous sculpture at face value.

“It’s a dead cat,” politcalcommentator wrote on Twitter, “it’s to distract us from whatever else they’re doing today.”

But defenders of the move has said, “It can’t be a dead cat as we’ve actually done it. You lot need to get your head around the fact that everything this government does is trolling. They don’t need to invent distractions when they do so much mind bending dumb shit daily.”

Any Northerners who are upset by the decision by the South to take one of their prized assets are asked to write to the Prime Minister personally, especially if you live in a former Red Wall seat.

“He enjoys all the letters. He reads them out to his guests over dinner and they all laugh.”

The Angel of the North will be renamed “The Angel of the South” in a ceremony later this week which will encapsulate what the Johnson government means by “Levelling Up.”

Posted on

Gavin Williamson to be knighted for services to herd immunity

KNOWLEDGE IS CONTAGIOUS : Former Education Secretary Gavin Williamson is the subject of rumours today with the belief being that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will knight him.

It’s not clear why Mr Williamson would need a knighthood, given he already owns a spider and a whip, but it could be because he’s been a faithful servant of evil throughout his tenure as a Secretary of State. Few can forget his impact as Education Secretary. There are many highlights but threatening to sue schools who refused to invite kids in to have a measles party and then ordering schools closed the next day was a star turn. So too the fight over free school meals, because everyone knows the children Tory policies have impoverished learn better when they’re starving.

“It’ll wind up the libs,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s also a payoff for his services to Brexit. Knighthoods are ten a penny in Brexitannia. Why not give old Gav one? The titles and the palaces help inadequates like Williamson believe they are somehow destined to rule. The bricks and mortar achievements of the past, the outdated honours system, all that pomp and circumstance guff allow us to ignore just how frightfully bad we are at government. Heaven help us if the whole show is ever brought into the 21st Century. Still, not a problem for Sir Frank Spencer.”

But while it’s normal for PM’s to payoff loyal servants there is a suggestion that it isn’t really his time as Education Secretary that the knighthood is for.

“He helped keep everyone bloody confused. He has also helped sell to schools a pandemic plan that makes children the best vectors for the virus in the country. If a few of them end up with chronic illnesses that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to take to achieve herd immunity. Just no one admit it publicly.”

When your child starts learning Latin you’ll have Sir Gav to thank for it. If they catch the virus and give it to you, if they haven’t already? You can thank him for that too.

Inmunidad colectiva – get your kid to translate it next time you take their temperature.

Posted on

Big Ben clock face to be replaced with traditional British sun dial

BRING ME SUNSHINE : DOWNING STREET will stop at nothing to showcase modern Britain to the world. There are to be no sacred cows, not even the sacred ones. Even famous landmarks are potentially “for it” as Prime Minister Boris Johnson levels up the country.

“We have to look behind us in order to go forwards,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “No one had considered changing the Elizabeth Tower until it was pointed out by the BLOODY GERMANS supplied the glass panes in the refurb. But Britain will have the LAST LAUGH.”

Under plans invented just now by LCD Views, and leaked to ourselves, the world beating bell, Big Ben, will be removed from the tower and melted down.

“It will then be recast as a world beating sun dial and the boring old Victorian clock face knocked out and the sun dial fitted in place. Most sun dials aren’t much use because not enough people can see them, but this one the world will notice. And four times a year when it’s actually sunny everyone will be able to tell the time. This will put Global Britain on the map.”

But it’s not just the old clock at Westminster that is getting the treatment.

“GMT will now be sun dial based too. We’re blowing up the atomic clock at Greenwich for a laugh and replacing it with a TRADITIONAL BRITISH SUN DIAL. World beating technology. Very British technology. And the sun dial will be Union Flag patterned so there’s NO MISTAKING IT FOR A FRENCH ONE.”

Town and village squares will also see their dull old Victorian public clocks turned into sun dials as the British wave sweeps the land.

“With our weather we can’t fail,” the source adds. “We’re even going to order Apple to make a sun dial app and then YOU’LL ALL HAVE TO DOWNLOAD IT.”

Plans to rearrange Stonehenge into a sun dial are also being drawn up as it is believed this will lead to a significant productivity boost to Wiltshire.

“Druids lose a lot of time rearranging those stones when the clocks change, but once the nothing old slabs are ground into dust and compressed into a sun dial shape they can get on with more useful British past times. Things like head hunting, putting heads on sticks and casting spells to RUIN THE GERMAN AUTOMOTIVE SECTOR.”

BRITAIN. WE HAVEN’T GONE COMPLETELY BATSHIT UNDER BORIS JOHNSON, we’ve simply let the most insane and batshit people we can find run the country for a time.