LCD Views

LCD Views has a finger on the pulse, most often of its highly excitable senior editor, but also on the latest in Environmental Political news.

This allows us to be the first to report of the growing anxiety in government, and the opposition benches, that new environmental regulations coming into force to eliminate harmful emissions on the roads could silence many senior politicians.

“It’s anti-democratic,” Michael Gove was first to strike, “it will silence the entire cabinet and, although it’s not often I extend concern to my political opponents, it will also silence numerous Labour MPs.”

Mr Gove appears to believe freedom of speech itself is at risk.

He went on to prove how much he values it by unashamedly lying to us for half an hour. A spray we have chosen not to repeat.

“The changes are targeted at improving the appalling quality of air in the capital,” our environmental analyst advises, “this will be done by encouraging electric vehicles onto the roads.

But the unintended consequence will of course be gagging serial liars who have chosen to abuse the trust of the electorate by not saying a single thing that can’t swiftly be proven bollocks.”

Boris Johnson is understood to be especially concerned and is rumoured to be establishing a base camp outside of the capital with a giant megaphone.

He’s said to already be testing the system by shouting misremembered Shakespeare at a captured group of visiting French exchange students.

“I for one think it’s high time we took measures to combat the great stink,” our analyst affirms, “When we have situations where improv character actors like David Davis are lying to parliament and nothing is done about it because the executive is too feeble? We’re in trouble. We need to act.”

Presumably the talk of unicorn Brexit of the worker’s kind is to be banned too as it’s seen as a gateway drug to the hard stuff, Canada plus plus plus.

LCD Views is just one of many mass media outlets reporting with joy at the sighting of a giant fudgberg the size of Westminster seen bobbing about the English Channel.

“It originated somewhere in the Irish Sea late Thursday night. Probably bubbled up from one of the sea floor vents that dinosaurs definitely didn’t come out of when the Earth was made a few thousand years ago,” our Confectionery and Political Arts correspondent advises.

“It is a confectionery designed to make anyone who takes a bite really happy, but the aftertaste is a little bit like ash.”

The aftertaste problem appears to be related to the constituent parts.

“Although a natural byproduct of political tectonics as a large plate is pushed by the UK against the EU, the fudgberg is thought to be especially good at alleviating the need for businesses to relocate or in anyway enact contingency plans relating to mass economic suicide planned by a nation state, at least for the next few minutes.

But this is probably just an old wifes’ tale. Especially now that the EU have agreed an FTA with Japan which accounts for 30% of global output.

Add that to the rest of their agreements and they can humour Ms May in her attempt to convince the voters to eat fudge.”

Health authorities have also warned against excessive consumption.

Large amounts can make you blind to the fact that there is not much actual detail of substance or fibre in fudgberg, and it is likely to be regurgitated if some of the hard Brexit head cases grab enough Conservatives around the midriff and squeeze. At which point a giant economicberg will appear and leave Dover to beach itself at Calais.

“It’s potentially a serious risk to shipping also.” our correspondent added.

“In fact it could disrupt trade between the U.K. and the EU for years, if it doesn’t stay down after consumption.

I would advise all patriots to get their patriot spoons and begin chipping away at the fudgberg.”

Fudgxit means fudgxit and fudgxit means fudgberg and if you think this is mostly nonsense then that’s because what Westminster is making is a fudgberg which is nonsense, and the opposing sides of remain and leave will have reduced it to fudgiscle before the year is out.

So will reality because pretending you’ll solve the border issue with magic won’t cut it, nor will paying to have less.

Try some fudgberg today.

A group of famous British explorers canoeing up shit creek have confirmed they’re doing so without any paddles.

“What use are paddles when the current is so strong?” one expedition member, “the bulldog”, asked LCD Views, “I know I told the others I had packed the paddles, but I lied, and now we’re in mid flow they can’t do anything about it, can they?”

This answer seems surprisingly acceptable to the outdated desktop computer chosen to be the party leader, on the basis of how simplistic the commands required to programme her are.

“Shit creek means shit creek,” the device, affectionately nicknamed “Maybot” replied when asked by our Technology correspondent exactly where she was supposed to be charting a course to.

Observers of the expedition have raised concerns though, that in consideration of the various risks and floating hazards certain to be encountered during the expedition, that paddles are the minimum required to steer past any blockages they may encounter.

“There’s no room for paddles!” A big, blonde boy, who is in one of the canoes because no one can work out how to throw him overboard, shouted, “the very aim of this bold, triumphant expedition is to prove that pesky rules and regulations requiring paddles and life jackets and safe moorings and water purification kits are just an unnecessary burden on the pocket books of the expeditions backers!”

“I’m not really sure they can survive shit creek without maps or ways to bat aside the turds. I think they’re all going to drown. Any rescue parties may drown too,” Our Bad Ideas specialist commented.

“I asked them, don’t you think you should at least beach up for a while until you have examined the way forward in excruciating detail? But no one replied. Their frantic bow waves are washing all sorts of horrible muck up onto the shorelines.”

The expedition leader did helpfully respond though,

“Up shit creek without a paddle means up shit creek without a paddle.”

Davis’s admission is frightening on several counts. Back of an envelope, for such important documents? Davis can write? Who the hell still uses envelopes?

On the other hand, it is encouraging that the government is embracing recycling. After all, most of its policies are cast-offs from the USA. Even Brexit is an old idea. It dated back to the UK’s original entry into what is now the EU in the 1970s.

LCD’s Environmental Issues Correspondent reports that  scraps of paper have swelled the recycling bags in Westminster this month. In the main these have crude calculations written upon them and then crossed out.

Some of these items have been forensically analysed by LCD’s work experience student, Adam Upp. Upp, who takes his GCSE Maths next year, was able to confirm that the calculations were “a bit tricky” and that they were “doing my head in”.

Imagine the consternation at Brexit HQ, where all the experts have been carefully removed from their posts. If our expert struggled to make sense of the calculations, how would Davis himself cope? “They were not as straightforward as some people imagine,” be boasted. Presumably, he included himself in the category of ‘some people’.

Instead, the impact assessments will be produced “a little closer to the negotiating timetable”. That must be the negotiating timetable which has been progressing slowly over the last six months.

So, when can we expect to see the impact assessments? “I am really tight on time,” Davis snapped. “This is a difficult time. Besides, the Department has run out of envelopes, since we all use email these days.”

When pressed on what Brexit means to British business, Davis’s urbane facade finally slipped. “Brexit means Brexit means Brexit means Brexit. End of, so there,” he snarled. “Fingers crossed, no comebacks. Ner nerny ner ner, and your mum’s fat.”

Your correspondent offered Davis an old fag packet to replace the missing envelope. The offer was gratefully accepted.