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Cabinet production of The Wizard Of Oz in disarray after IDS fails audition to play heartless tin man

Iain Duncan Smith has all the attributes necessary, you would have thought. Heartless, and allegedly part android, his audition was expected to be a shoo-in.

However, the director, Grant Favours, explained that IDS just wouldn’t do. “He lacks the necessary emotion,” Favours elaborated. “No pathos, no empathy. Ironically there was no heart to his performance.”

The first choice Cowardly Lion, Boris Johnson, has also been dropped. Although very little make-up was required, Boris insisted on ad-libbing lines such as ‘We’re off to see the wizard, I mean goodness, that’s no way to describe a fellow, such flummery and flibbertigibbet, I mean, he may be a bit discombobulated, but come on! What do you mean, “Cut!”?’

Dorothy was being played quite adequately, until recently, by Priti Patel. Unfortunately, having tarnished her good-girl image, Patel was deemed unsuitable. Theresa May is hoping to re-audition. “Unfortunately, Theresa is far too wooden,” remarked Favours. “She will retain the part of Dorothy’s house in Kansas.”

By contrast, the role of the scarecrow with no brains had no end of candidates. “The number of straw men auditioning is incredible,” says Favours, “but Jeremy C. Hunt was the outstanding choice.”

Similarly popular was the part of the Wicked Witch of the West. Despite strong opposition from the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, the Witch will actually be played by Andrea Leadsom.

Other parts are more settled. The munchkins will be played by whichever backbenchers can be arsed to turn up. The Wizard of Oz is being played by the personification of Brexit himself, Nigel Farage.

Meanwhile, the man charged with turning vision into reality, David Davis, believes that he is doing a fantastic job. Despite there being no visible progress, Davis insists that the scenery will be completed, the hall booked, and publicity organised, simply by tapping his heels together three times.

The part of Toto is to be taken by Jeremy Corbyn.

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Boris Johnson to swim by Grimsby and reassure fishermen they can have their fish and eat them too

LCD Views has received exhilarating news this evening that Boris Johnson is to swim by Grimsby to reassure fishermen they can have their fish and eat them too.

Mr Johnson phoned LCD Views from his American working holiday to outline how he’s going to save the fishing fleets of Grimsby now they are realising Brexit is going to leave them up a creek without a paddle.

“I’d like the good, hard working, soul of Grimsby to know that I think Donald Trump is a wonder, a star, a blazing Orion and I will be laying the groundwork for a post Brexit Free Fish Trade Deal with the USA just as soon as I finish promising British layabouts will be airlifted to America to shine his gold lift while talking in Dick Van Dyke accents.”

Mr Johnson went on to make it clear that the fish being exported to America will be free and Grimsby will receive a lot of positive tweets in return that can only encourage their tourist industry.

“To help. To show. To feel my love. I will be swimming by Grimsby just as soon as I return from the mighty giant across the pond, where I’m looking for a future after Brexit crashes, and I’ll put on my trunks and swim by Grimsby fishing boats and wave desperately in Union Jack bathing shorts shouting for salvation.

You can have your fish Grimsby and you can eat them too. I’ll write it on a bloody bus if I have to! It maybe grim up north, but it will be worth it with me pushing your children into the sea for you and getting away scot free.”

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Priti Patel follows Michael Fallon as government tries to reduce wastage of space

The move has been described as part of the government’s drive to reduce wastage in all areas of the public sector.

Only last week Sir Michael Fallon was obliged to resign (“culled” is the word used in official documents leaked to your correspondent). Now Priti Patel has also been culled in the latest round of swingeing cuts.

A lot of Westminster hot air and poncey analyses by the quality press later, all that can really be said that two wastes of space have been eliminated. The crimes of the two protagonists can be summed up as “being found out”.

Fallon was outed as an old-fashioned perv, despite his strenuous denials. There has been the suggestion that he doth protest too much.

Patel was up to shady business under the unlikely guise of a holiday, then being evasive about the affair. Essentially, telling porkies.

Cursory examination of the facts would suggest that Fallon is hardly the biggest perv in the May Team, and that habitual fibbing is a trait common to most, if not all, members of the government. Boris ‘Blonde Ambition’ Johnson and Michael ‘Slithy’ Gove must be thinking, there but for the grace of God.

Austerity in government is hardly new. There is a precedent in the Rump Parliament, which culled opponents to government policy (as decided upon by 52% of the population). These particular arses executed King Charles, abolished the monarchy and handed power to raving idealists who abolished fun. This looks like it could happen all over again.

Whereas the official line of the Palace is “Meh”, Prince Charles is said to be outraged at the possibility of history repeating itself.

In an interview given recently to his favourite tree, he was heard to remark that Parliament had it in for kings named Charles, and that he would dismiss Parliament in favour of direct rule if he had half a chance.

Let’s face it, he could hardly do a worse job than the current mob.

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Leaked CON HQ plans reveal bendy bus chosen as next Tory GE battle bus

LCD Views have got our hands on general election plans supposedly leaked from the safes of Conservative HQ this afternoon which shows images of a bendy bus chosen as the battle bus for the general election coming December 2017.

We asked our Electioneering analyst to have a look and see what it all meant.

“There’s a lot of MPs to ferry about so they need a long, snake like form of transport,” Harry Harried commented.

“Also, see this rubber section in the middle? It’s designed to allow the bus to navigate around even the clearest codes of conduct or sense of ethics. Especially regarding money, the entire future of the country versus perceived personal interest and any commitments made in the past. It’s an award winning design.”

Not only will getting passed other sharp elbowed road users be made easier by the bendy bus, but it’s felt the passengers will fill more at home in a bus that is able to turn right back around on itself if circumstances demand.

“U turns will be a complete breeze with this bus,” Harry added. “And you see those gymnastist bars that have been installed instead of seating? Imagine the backflips you could do holding those!”

The bus is apparently being fuelled and made ready to hit the road at the drop of the general election hat.

“I expect the catering facilities to be first class too. Although rumours suggest the drinks chosen do taste a bit like bile, but most of the people onboard will be well used to that.”

Look out for the bus passing through your neighbourhood soon. It’ll be easy to spot. It will have a magic money tree painted along the side.

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Mordor takes direct control of government cabinet appointments starting with Mordaunt

The Kingdom of Mordor has issued a press release this afternoon stating they are now assuming direct control of all cabinet appointments, starting with Penny Mordaunt as the new International Development Secretary.

“Priti’s departure is a great opportunity for us to pluck a startled rabbit out from under the ministerial choosing hat and promote her to May’s cabinet,” The Eye explained.

“It’s nothing personal. It’s just we are determined to get the best Brexit deal possible so we have to have committed ideologues in the cabinet. Anyone who looks at facts is a danger!

I’m sure she’ll fit right in, having said some rather frisky things about Turkey during the EURef campaign last year. Oh and the big splash she made in a television special about pool safety is bound to stand her in good stead.”

It seems the kingdom is further hopeful that Penny will be able to help with its financial troubles.

“Ever since we lost our gold reserves in a fiery mountain thanks to those pesky kids things have been a little strained hereabouts.”

Mordor is hopeful Penny will help them with infrastructure development directly at home.

“It’s arguable that other countries seeking British taxpayer money don’t need it like we do. We are actually hopeful Patel has left a few scribbled notes lying about her old office that explain why she was trying to divert aid money to the Middle East. All will come out in due course anyway, if there’s more to it, I suppose.”

The Eye added it had booked Penny an open ticket, first class, on a giant bird of prey and expect her to use it just as soon as she can get some time out of her busy schedule.

“Based on the actions of her predecessor in the post it will have to be a working holiday.”

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IDS to be turned into giant cheese wheel for easier rolling out in times of crisis

LCD Views has received an exclusive today that noted British man and global explorer Iain Duncan Smith is to be turned into a giant cheese wheel to make it easier to wheel him out in times of crisis.

“It won’t be a difficult procedure,” Dr Sandy Hamm reassured, “Iain is already kept in a temperature controlled room and fed on a reassuring diet of post-its that say universal credit is making everyone richer. We’ll just have to scrape a bit of mold off one of the walls and put it on his head and wait.”

After that Iain will be duplicated in a clone laboratory already used to make new Brexiters, wrapped up in wax and kept close to the BBC’s Broadcasting House.

“We will probably need to buy a fleet of cold storage units to keep all the IDS cheese wheels in so there’s always one near to the Today programme the next time a government minister gets caught out doing something that should get them immediately sacked but never seems to.”

The Iain wheels will also be considered for entry into any famous cheese rolling festivals going on, so long as there’s not a post Brexit famine at the time.

“That’s a bit trickier. If there’s a Brexit famine going and someone takes a bite out of him it could lead to a condition akin to an intestinal virus.”

That condition is already well known as Irritable Duncan Syndrome.

It develops rapidly and the symptoms aren’t any fun, but it usually passes within 24 hours once Iain is put back in storage.

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Patel rushes to new job as UK’s top popcorn promoter

Great news for the UK’s top popcorn promoter this morning as former Secretary of State for international Development, Priti Patel, is rumoured to have accepted a role pushing popcorn into the hands of everyone with a smart phone.

“We’re really buzzing here,” head of sales B. Burning Maize told LCD Views.

We met B.B. in a tacky little basement cinema in Soho and spoke as the endless pre-movie adverts played out on the big screen.

“See that rip in the screen too right corner?” B.B. asked.

We did.

“That wasn’t there yesterday. I sold my first bag of popcorn here when I was still in high school, during the cash for questions scandal.”

Nowadays Burning Maize is the top U.K. wide seller of popcorn.

“Stories like Ms Patel on “unofficial” business meeting with a foreign power attempting to arrange to divert British taxpayer money to their military? Holy cow! Grab your popcorn.”

B.B. was a little worried initially that the mainstream media’s willingness to just parrot official government statements may dampen sales, but now that he’s convinced Ms Patel to work in marketing at Burning Maize, his fears are allayed.

“She’s not going to be out front promoting the brand for long. I see her mostly in the strategic planning department designing shock marketing events around a steady drip of revelations relating to why she had to resign. There’s millions of bursting kernels of corn in this.”

Grab your popcorn then?

“That’s the way! This movie is going to have sequels in production even before we’ve finished watching the first installment.”

And with that we settled down to watch the screening of “The Great Escape”.

“This is a classic! Although it doesn’t end well for all the cast.”

We know B.B. By the time we get to the end we’ll realise we’ve seen it all before.

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Woman who doesn’t know what to do admits her government is a shit charade

A woman who is supposed to be providing strong and certain government has admitted tonight she doesn’t know what to do and it’s all a shit charade.

“Have you seen the scale of this shambles?” She asked LCD Views’ Amazed correspondent.

“I mean, I expected surprises some days when I took up the heavy responsibility to prove a borderline insane government, but even I’m confused now by what we’ve managed in just a few months.”

LCD Views would like to say at this point we personally believe it’s an achievement.

“Most of today has been spent phoning about to find anyone who knew the answer to the binary question of should I fire that troublesome minister or should I beg her to resign? It was a real doozy!”

The conflict seem to rest on the risk of secrets being spilled if the issue was mishandled.

“I mean, only a very credulous person, like a Brexit supporter, would believe I had no idea what she was doing.

All those meetings with government officials from a prominent foreign government in global affairs, a country situated in one of the world’s ‘hot zones’ and I had no idea? Wow. Just wow. I shock myself.”

We did point out we don’t believe it for a moment and wonder why British money was on the table in the discussions?

“I can’t tell you. I’m like the robot in that film ‘Short Circuit’, I’m alive, but instead of being programmed with competence I’ve had a couple of logs and a flaming turd placed in my CPU.”

We had to get back to watching Twitter for the next surprise from her cabinet of legends, so we asked how she would sum up her government quickly?

“Shit charade. Just that. Although I don’t normally go for three word slogans, so, maybe complete shit charade would be more in keeping with my style? Anyway, I’ve got to go too, I’ve dinner with my employer to celebrate his 25 years at the top.”

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Brexit going swimmingly, says child wearing water wings in the shallow end

The child, whose name was Dave, or Davey, or something like that, insisted on making political comments in between instructions.  

“Brexit is going really well,” said Davey. “We will soon have all the poor boys out of the pool. That’s what it’s all about innit. Do you like my St George swimming trunks?”

His mother, Terry, encouraged her son as he puffed and splashed.

Little Dave Davey’s face kept going under the water, but he would bob up, grinning as if nothing untoward had happened.

“He’s only little,” she said indulgently. “Even in the shallow end he’s out of his depth! But he won’t be beaten.”

Another boy, known apparently as “Boz”, was splashing about heedlessly nearby. Blond and reckless, and even less competent than little Davey, he was nonetheless ducking the other boys’ heads in the water for a laugh.

“He can’t swim, and doesn’t even try,” said his exasperated mother. “Yet he always comes up dry and smiling, if tousled.”

She gave her wayward son the thumbs-up as he pulled little Micky Grovel’s trunks down again. “Little scamp!” she said, proudly.

The instructor, Mike Barnaby, was disappointed with his charges.

“Not one of them has made progress this term,” he moaned. “And the parents are no better, they think they can get away with anything. If this doesn’t stop pretty soon, they will all be banned from the pool.”

At this point, Micky Grovel (his trunks restored to their rightful position) shouted “I think we’ve all had enough of teachers!”

He received a loud cheer from the other boys before Boz waded in to push him under again (more cheers).

Just then Barnaby’s boss, Johnny Junkyard, arrived to take Terry out on another embarrassing date.

The boys all clambered out of the pool reluctantly, all except Boz who remained behind to piss in the water.

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Government’s credibility announces it has finally broken at Patelgate

Credibility, a key member of any serving prime minister’s cabinet, has announced it has finally broken at a new location derivatively named “Patelgate”.

“I’m done. Look at my achilles heel? I’d call it my priti-heel now if I hadn’t already decided to name a bunch of different rooms used for unofficial meetings between Priti Patel and various Israeli government members Patelgate!”

Credibility went on to explain that Theresa May appears not to have learned from the experiences of her predecessors.

“You take Tony T-Bone Blair and David “The Wonder” Cameron, they knew when to get out of dodge. It’s before the proverbial hits the fan. Theresa? Goodness, she is holding onto my tail tighter than if I was a tiger!”

Unfortunately for the current prime minister Credibility’s tail is much like a small lizards.

“I’ve let the tail go my friends. Let it snap off so I can get away to live another day. It will grow back soon enough. But if I keep hanging about with Theresa while she politically dies her death of a thousand cuts, I risk having my very definition changed in common useage! I am not having that. I’ve made it too far to let a Brexit droid change me in the QED.”

Without Credibility by her side it’s uncertain how much longer Theresa May can cling onto that billion pound bung bought majority that allows her to stay at 10 Downing Street like the last guest at a wake for British democracy.

“If she’s smart she’ll get out now,” Credibility advises.

“Get out and get on the after dinner talk show junket circuit. IF the suggestion in the Jewish Chronicle article that she knew what Priti was up to is true, she won’t even be able to get a job propping up a bar as the pub bore.”

We’re pretty sure ATOS will still pass her fit for work as a barfly though. Repeatedly telling a disingenuous story of victimisation? She’ll be perfect at it.