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Boris Johnson to build ‘the A-nal’, a subterranean Atlantic tunnel

The Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, has announced he is to begin building ‘the A-nal’, a submarine tunnel to be built under the Atlantic and linking 10 Downing Street directly to Trump Towers.

“The special relationship can only get closer once we have a entered a deep and lengthy tunnel penetrating right to the heart of power.” Mr Johnson asserted,

“although, never having tunnelled in this direction before, we will have to go slowly at first. But I’m sure, once we get into the swing of it down there, we’ll be full steam ahead!”

The motivation for the idea appears to be the need to deepen the special relationship between the United Kingdom and Donald Trump ahead of the free trade agreement talks with the USA.

“Such a tunnel will be a bridge,” Boris affirmed, “and I’m certain our special American friend will bend over backwards and reach around as far as he needs to so we all enjoy the moment in unison.”

Critics have cited the sheer cost of the lubricants required to make it all the way under the Atlantic and out the other side.

“You can’t both tunnel at once,” marine engineer Prof Anne U. Sol asserted, “we’ll have to take it in turns. Do we have the time required? I doubt it.”

But Boris is unashamed and determined to,

“Get down and dirty and make the A-nal a symbol of the kind of future we can expect once we’ve left the EU and set ourselves free for new experiences globally.”

Donald Trump is yet to respond to the idea, so busy buggering the United States senseless, it’s not certain he’ll have time to get involved.

“It’s a fantastic idea,” a leading evangelical supporter of the president responded,

“just the sort of act I’ve been promoting in private for years.”

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Boris Johnson clarifies he expects his bridge to be built inside the existing channel tunnel

Boris Johnson has picked the dead cat off the table, thrown down the other day to distract from Macron’s visit, and slapped it right back down again by saying,

“Of course, my um, ah, my proposed bridge of freedom would be constructed inside the existing channel tunnel.”

The reasoning behind this appears to be the assertion by the operators of the Eurostar that pulling the United Kingdom out of the customs union will put them in a position where they can no longer operate their service.

“Shipping. I suggest they go into passenger liners,” The Foreign Secretary shrugged off the concerns,

“this momentous change in the fortunes of our once great nation mean the Chunnel will be free to have my bridge, the Bungle, built inside.

Furthermore, it will be a garden bridge. I’m going to ask my chummy, chum, chum Joanna Lumley to back it!”

Construction on the Bungle, with skylights, is due to begin just as soon as,

“We’ve arranged a special exemption for all the EU 27 nationals we will need to help us construct it.”

The funding will come,

“Not only from the twenty seven, billion, million we will save by no longer paying contributions to the Pope Farage pension fund, but from the massive amounts of money we will make once we start imposing tariffs on John McDonnell’s idea of a single market relationship.”

But critics have accused the foreign secretary of attempting to distract not only from the fact he has still not arranged the release of Nazanin, but also the catastrophic mountain of nonsense both the Conservative and Labour Parties are creating for the country.

“Pifflefabble,” Johnson countered,

“working hand in hand with our Brexit colleagues, UKIP, Corbyn and McDonnell we will make the Bungle a shining, submarine example of what a Britain freed of the need for a cross channel train service can do.

The bridge inside the channel tunnel will render both tunnel and bridge useless, cost all of our wealth, which will go straight to tax havens, which is exactly what all our public policy is currently intended to do.”

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First priest of the High Church of Brexit defrocked for failing to give sermon in CAPS LOCK!’??,!’

The High Church of Brexit, Britain’s new official religion, has registered its first martyr. The first priest of the Church has been defrocked because he gave a sermon without using either CAPS LOCK or excessive random punctuation.

The defrocking was carried out by the Head of the Church, the Irreverent Nigel Farage. The unfortunate priest was dragged in front of the Irrev Farage’s sacred barstool in the St George & Dragon pub in Kent. “WE DONT WONT CROSS DRESING NANSYS IN ARE CUNTRY?!!/,” read his defrocking speech. “THIS IS INGLAND,,,,,ARE INGLAND,,,IT SNOT RITE’!11$%”

The priest, who has not been named, has been made a sacrificial lamb to the cause. Parents are reminded to name their children, to prevent such an incident re-occurring.

The Church is gradually updating its Scriptures, so that the commandment “Thou shalt not murder” remains in place – for now. The defrocked priest has instead been made to run around the Garden Of England in just his Y-fronts, since no fig leaves were available.

In the course of the inquisition, it was also discovered that the nameless priest bought The Guardian, used French communion wine, and, worst of all, attempted to explain precisely what Brexit means.

He is to be cast out into outer darkness, where there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. The precise location is unknown, but it is believed to be in post-industrial Lancashire.

The Church of Brexit will not tolerate love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. The response of the Irrev Farage demonstrated this. Hatred, fear, war, intolerance, unpleasantness, faithlessness, violence and knee-jerking will henceforth be known as the Fruits Of The Brexit.

Farage, his work done, procured another pint of Olde Random Bluster and continued in prayer and contemplation. Well, shouting at the football match on the large screen TV, while his subjects scrabbled in the bins outside for morsels of leftover food.

His Irreverence has issued a proclamation, to be read out in all branches and franchises of the Church of Brexit. It reads: YUO SHALL HATE UR NAYBUR,,,!? THAY SHUD GO BAK WERE THERE CUM FROM??!,!

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IDS to spend time in Liverpool prison to get inspiration for universal incarceration

World famous welfare system reformer and humanitarian, Irritable Duncan Syndrome, has announced he’s to spend time in Liverpool Prison.

“It’s about understanding how the average family survives in a prison. It’s vital I get first hand experience of observing the daily grind to better formulate my vision for Universal Incarceration.”

IDS has chosen Liverpool Prison as,

“It’s a shining example of how the social engineering and reform of undeserving poor worked in the 19th century. That’s a place myself, and numerous colleagues on the government benches, wish to return day to day life in 21st England to.

You know, they had transportation then. It was privatised because it made it more cost effective.

Basically you could just dump people who wouldn’t play by the fair rules of the game on the opposite side of the world.

Sorry, we’ll have to stop a moment, I’ve got something nostalgic in my eye.”

While IDS’s latest brainstorm is only just brewing up, we’ve managed to tease out some of the initial thoughts.

“Activities for inmates will include cheese rolling, buffing medallions, standing in a room of other people and not being noticed,” IDS has scribbled down on a yellow legal pad, “the sort of vigorous skills that equip a man for life on the outside.”

Although IDS’s notes hold a warning for those who don’t follow the regime.

“Prison time isn’t free you know. It’s important to ensure being in prison is never more fun than being on the outside.

To this end I will be encouraging a vigorous regime of whipping and beatings.

Worse even than queuing at one of those supermarkets poor people frequent.”

IDS is due to begin his half an hour inside Liverpool Prison just as soon as HM Prison service has managed to mop out a cell of a build up of stools.

“You won’t find spare stools and other seats just piled about unused in my universal incarceration system. Not on your nellie.

In fact, as everyone with a net income of less than the average Conservative Party donor will be forcibly incarcerated to staff the post Brexit industries of tomorrow, you’ll be lucky to find room to put a stool down.”

Stock up on tobacco, once IDS puts his latest reforms into action, you’ll be going down. After appropriate means testing to determine if you’re guilty, of course.

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Saint George hospitalised after mistaking steam train for dragon

Breaking news reports this morning indicate that Saint George has been rushed to a local accident and emergency department this morning after mistaking a steam train for a dragon.

It appears the well known saint and monster killer was out early walking his poodle Montagu when he witnessed what he believed to be smoke rising from a nearby ravine.

LCD Views spoke to the only witness.

“There was a strange man all kitted out in armour, with a sword and a flag, one of those ones with a red cross on a magnolia background,” Ms Charlie Capulet observed,

“I thought he was a film extra. They do filming around here a fair bit. Anyway, the local steam train appreciation society, the Bluebell Railway, do a run every week and I could hear the train coming and see its plume.”

So could Saint George.

“He started shouting at me in a language that sounded arabic but not? Maybe actually an archaic form of Turkish? It had Latin words mixed in.

Anyway, when he could see I didn’t understand he switched to olde English. He was trying to warn me and pointing at the steam. He gave me his poodle and rushed into the gully with his sword raised shouting about saving me. It was a little dim, but very heroic.”

It seems Saint George managed to stand in front of the steam train and face it down, but the cowcatcher at the front lifted him clean off his feet as he was swinging his sword.

“He flew through the air for about ten metres and landed in a bramble patch. I tied his dog up to a tree and rushed down. He’s just bruised and shaken up I think. I called an ambulance and put him in the recovery position. That was hard! Plate armor and chainmail is very heavy.”

Reports from The Royal Infirmary suggest Saint George is expected to make a full recovery, once some bruising and concussion clears, although that is likely to happen while he waits in the ambulance to just get inside A&E.

“He’s very sweet. He keeps dispatching pigeons to ask if I’m alright? I don’t know why he doesn’t just phone me? The big duffer.”

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Theresa May refuses to say if she would vote for Theresa May in general election

“I only have one vote to cast in any ballot and I must be careful to get it right,” Theresa May told LCD Views during a snap poll about voting intentions,

“I’m not sure I could vote for Theresa May, given her track record, in all honesty. Neither will I rule it out. Voting means voting.”

Theresa May wasn’t alone in her indecision, although with a general election in the United Kingdom not due for many years, she probably has time to decide.

“What colour Brexit she finally delivers will be key to my decision. Beige? Elephant tusk? Scat Brown? Mildew pink? Or a classic red, white and blue?”

Theresa May’s response is indicative of the answers given in our snap poll.

“I’m not voting for her,” a man, B Johnson answered, “I’m writing my name on the ballot. It’s what I’ve always done. It’s what I’ll always do.”

But there was support for Theresa May from surprising quarters.

We interviewed a couple enjoying a bag of crisps together while a pack of blue collared, feral dogs fought in the gutter for their entertainment.

“I’m behind her one hundred percent,” the woman, who gave her name as Nicola S, replied.

“Same here,” said her friend, JC.

We asked why, as neither looked like traditional Tory voters.

“She’s doing our work for us,” they said in unison, before turning to each other and saying “snap!”

“Another year of her government and everything I’ve always wanted will come true.”

We stayed a while with them, watching the pack fight.

“I’m not voting for her,” a chap muttered behind us, while the dogs tore strips out of each other, “she’s just some kind of bigoted woman.”

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U.K. to pay for US border wall with Mexico in order to secure FTA talks with Trump

Theresa May handed her close friend Donald Trump a way around the impasse over funding for his border wall today by saying the U.K. would pay for the wall.

“I want to make this clear, this is our gift to our special friends across the water,” the pm stated, to the background sounds of a magic money tree being not just shaken, but chainsawed to the ground and turned into wood chips.

“All we ask for in return is the chance to talk about holding trade talks with the United States as we prepare to exit the European Union and take our place on a flatter Earth as a bold, buccaneering, swashbuckling country afraid of the dragons at the edges of the maps.”

There was no immediate reply from the White House.

An aide to Donald Trump did assure he would respond, only after he was sure May creating a Minister for Loneliness didn’t mean she was a loser no one talked to? Because he himself wouldn’t seek to help such people.

Before asking who Theresa May was again?

Is she blonde?

Does she accept hush money?

The aide suggested finally, “leave the money in bags at the back door of Trump Tower and Donnie will think about it.”

This will be interpreted by the British tabloid press as an enormous success, guaranteeing the financial security of a post Brexit U.K.

The BBC will also present it this way, for balance.

While there were some murmurs of dissent within May’s cabinet at the plan to send hundreds of billions of pounds to Trump Tower, in unmarked notes, there was support for the prime minister from a sometimes critical corner.

“This is perfectly sensible and pragmatic planning from our wise and matrononic prime minister,” J. Rees-mogg soothed, “Paying huge sums to secure trade deals will make us all richer.”

Mr Rees-mogg went on to explain that his investment business specialises in “emerging markets”.

Leading one to ask the question, just asking you understand,

Does doing business with regimes with a flexible approach to rule of law in anyway influence an inheritance squllionaire’s attitude to Brexit and the importance of charters of rights for everyday folk?

Work on the wall is due to begin Saturday with Boris Johnson demolishing the first Mexican home.

“Boris will swing the hammer!” May trumpted, hands clenched in the air.

This will be a symbol of the close and enduring, special relationship between the United Kingdom and POTUS. Not necessarily a measure of our moral fibre.

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The Sun’s Bayeux Tapestry to replace medieval history units in post Brexit curriculums

Exciting news for future generations of school children today with the announcement from the Department of Education that the Sun’s “Bayeux Tapestry” mock up is to replace all medieval history texts in post Brexit curriculums.

“It’s all the children of tomorrow will need to know,” Whoever is Education Secretary today told LCD, “it fits right in with the victors writing history. One of our guiding principles. It sits inside the will of the people very comfortably.”

The new units won’t be available to teach today, so anyone hoping to graduate from school this year will be failed and have to go back and retake the year.

“Any university history degree gained since British triumph in 1066 will also be null and void. Schama, Hughes, Starkey, they’re all going back to a comprehensive near you. This will better prepare them for when they do university again.”

To cement the fact of Global Britain’s victory over the EU at Hastings, the Sun has generously offered to send all leaders of the EU 27 laminated copies of the correct Bayeux Tapestry.

“It’s very kind of British Prime Minister Rupert Murdoch to make this offer. We would like to thank him from the bottom of our hearts.”

Not a very deep thank you then.

“We urge Macron to take deputy PM, Ms May’s, offer of setting up a conference call between her boss and the kingdom of France too. Lest he feel the lash of a sun flare. You can’t govern without the tabloids dictating your agenda.

Every school kid already knows that, thanks to the overwhelming mandate delivered by the people of Great Britain to cast off the shackles of the bloated and dying EU and seek a new future as a bold and confident outpost of the US and China.”

It’s believed the initial offer to Macron was the skeleton of Napoleon’s horse, but he politely turned it down, saying you better keep it for food after Brexit.

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Getting the Tories out is the most important thing, says man who refuses to get the Tories out

LCD Views spoke today with noted, British revolutionary leader Jesus Corbyn Christ, or JCC, to hear how he’s going to achieve his stated aims of saving the NHS and everyone on this island, before, or after, economic calamity strikes.

“Personally, I’d prefer to save the NHS after economic calamity has engulfed the U.K.,” JCC smiled,

“calamity is a much greater recruiter than a few thousand kids shouting insults on social media at anyone who dares point out inconsistencies between my assertions and my actions.”

We settled down to a breakfast of smashed avocado and rye, brought by our correspondent, to learn more.

“We are taking a bit of heat from centrists, both left and right leaning ones, for not opposing Brexit and shoving May’s disaster caravan into the ditch, but I’m prepared to weather that.

I’m sure we’ll be able to protect all the rights for ordinary people built up over the decades of EU membership, once we get the Tories out.

I’ve weathered criticism all my political career, each time I cross the floor to vote with the Tories.

Which I’ve done for all of my career. It’s about principles.

No more so than now.”

Next JCC goes on to illuminate some of the deeper strategy behind his current pretending to fence sit on Brexit.

“We need to make a show of resistance, now and then, so our activists have something to spin when confronted by class traitor yellow Tory moderates.”

He explains the vote against the EU Withdrawal Bill the other day was the perfect example.

“Make a big show of voting against a bill you’ve consistently supported all the way from the triggering of Article 50. Sheer genius.”

And he reminds us again.

“Getting the Tories out of government is the most important thing, just not too quickly, or we won’t get the social revolution you can only get when middle class, class traitors are also living out of a bin.”

We’ve a suggestion though, how about you just get the Tories out? Base the decision on principles. Namely, what does Nigel Farage want?

You remember him, he’s the wannabe who said the timing of Jo Cox’s murder was inconvenient because it clashed with his launch of a poster billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda.

Maybe base your principles on whatever he doesn’t want? Just a thought.

Country before ideological zeal is so 20th century. What are we suggesting?!

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New cross-channel bridge to be completed in time for the UK’s triumphant return to EU 2075

The British Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, was in an expansive mood last night when he announced plans for a new cross-channel bridge while having dinner with the President of France.

The Bungle, as it’s been nicknamed by admirers of the bold initiative, is to be completed in time for the UK’s triumphant return to the EU in 2075.

“Working with our fantabababoulist colleagues in the Department for Transport we will build a bridge to somewhere,” Boris told a wry looking Macron, “a sparkling example of what a Britain, freed of the constraints of the EU can do.

We look forward to working in partnership with our friends in the EU to build a bridge symbolising our deep and lasting union, even when we’re out of the union and trying to return.”

The bridge, which will begin at a brownfield site in Kent and terminate in Calais, is to be constructed by a consortium handpicked,

“By my colleague Chris Grayling, who, after consultation with senior donors of the Conservative Party have selected Global Carillion 2.0 to lay the foundations. Global Carillion is a shining example of British teamwork, not for nothing is it nicknamed ‘the Phoenix that never sodding dies’.”

Internal critics in the government have agreed the bridge is an excellent initiative, but have demanded it should cross the Atlantic instead.

This will make it easier for US based asset strippers to cart off the remaining treasure of the U.K. post March 2019.

The response from the EU has been muted, in its enthusiasm.

“They want us to pay for it,” a spokesman for the ECB said, “what’s the point of spending decades building a symbol of partnership? Some clown lol Boris, having escaped from a Jeeves and Wooster novel, will just smash it down again.”

While there has been surprise that the EU has heard of Wodehouse, otherwise the British contingent have interpreted the response as a definite yes, how much money do you want?

Ms May has not been asked for comment because she’s not really the Prime Minister, not really.

Construction begins tomorrow, after the visas for the construction teams have been sorted out.

Build a bridge and make it to somewhere.