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Chemistry industry warns not to mix any part Brexiter with any part fact

Chemists working at the Nobel Institute for New Forms of Semtex, NINFS, have issued a public warning today that every major news source, bar LCD Views, failed to pick up and run with.

No fearer of a lit fuse attached to a tub of 17th century era gunpowder and a plot, we are giving you the warning that you should have received already.

“Hazardous materials,” Professor Bang began in his weekly warning about something new that blows up,

“We here at the much loved NINFS specialise in making materials more hazardous. But even we have a line we will not cross outside of a laboratory.

I mean, I am absolutely gobsmacked that somebody should think mixing a Brexiter with a fact IN THE HOME was sensible?

What did they think would happen?

BANG! That’s what happens. A big bang too.

We are concerned about the risk to public safety, especially family dinners exploding out of hand at weekends. We ask all people not to do this.

Leave it to the authorities.

They have the bunkers for this sort of research.

Leave it to us. We get funded and we get a lot of funding for this sort of work. It’s great work if you can get it. Send us your CV today.

But yes, it’s important to work out (for the love of God) how to get a Brexit supporting votes to mix with a fact without blowing up, but any voter who still thinks it’s a good idea? Well, they are exceptionally dense and flammable!

Think of magnesium and water.”

The Professor inhaled and continued,

“Remember those old westerns you watched as kid? There was always some cowboy blowing something up with nitroglycerine? That’s the sort of risk we’re looking at.

If you do accidentally mix a fact with a Brexiter, and actually get them to mix, not just slide off one another, for the love of God stand well back.

Do not light fuse. Do not shake or agitate further.

Bang!

You got it?

Wait until our institute works out how to do it without an explosive reaction. Or maybe it’s not the work for us? Maybe it’s a medical science thing. But we’re going to have a go first because we like things that go…

BANG!”

The statement ended with a warning not to try this at home, but seriously, how will science advance if we don’t?

Light fuse and stand well back!

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Ostriches stage protest outside parliament over chronic sand shortages

News is breaking today, first on LCD Views’ and later the BBC, of the incredible gathering of birds outside parliament, as over five hundred ostriches stage a protest over chronic sand shortages.

”In all my years of broadcasting I have never witnessed a flock of birds this mad,” begins Kay Burley, with the Sky News report,

“Reports started to hit the news wires at dawn this morning of a squadron of black, white and grey birds flying low over the capital and headed for Westminster Green.”

The RAF did dispatch Tiger Moths to intercept the UFO’s, not suspecting ostriches as they have to be furious to fly, but the bi-planes we’re eaten when they made first contact. Bye planes.

”AIr raid sirens sounded across London as people stared blearily into their coffees and didn’t bother to look outside because what could possibly be worse than this current farce of a parliament?”

The next one?

The Met ordered marksmen to rush to Westminster Green, but that didn’t happen because Mark said no.

”I was one of the first on the scene, arriving just after Auntie, with a camera man and a man who wasn’t a camera, to capture the unfolding drama.”

Uncle arrived late.

”But what at first seemed like an airborne attack by a hostile force was quickly discovered to be a flock of ostriches, who had decided to bring their rage and despair at perceived injustice straight to the doors of the counrry’s law makers and oath breakers.”

They weren’t allowed inside. Health and safety PC gone mad over fears of hygiene risk.

The PC was later calmed down.

”I identified an individual who appeared to be the group’s spokesbird and asked why they were here?”

Because we’re not there, he replied.

”He told me they were flocking mad. He brandished an empty plastic bucket, such as a child would use on a beach.

It appears the birds have flocked to parliament to protest the chronic sand shortages faced by ostriches now, that on balance the country’s parliamentarians have buried their heads as a group in the sand over their harm they’re doing collectively to the UK’s interests.”

What do we want? The birds are now shouting in chorus.

We want our sand.

When do we want it?

We want it now.

”We’re not going to stand for this injustice any longer,” the spokesbird proclaimed, “at least, until we can bury our heads in the sand again.”

More on this evolving story as it unfolds.

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MP’s caught lying about civil service automatically added to this year’s honours list

Great news for careerists at Westminster with the news that Conservative MP’s caught lying about civil service conspiracy plots to undermine Brexit, will now be automatically added to this year’s honours list.

”It’s especially good news for Steve Baker MP and outdated f*ckwittery engine Jacob Rees-mogg MP,” our parliamentary correspondent says.

”Allegedly, and it’s not confirmed, the evidence is only circumstancial and damning, the two cooked up a plan to rubbish civil service economic forecasts produced by the Westminster comedy club, DExEU, for use in planning the United Kingdom’s destruction.

After the destruction we will rebuild as a tax haven. It’s nice.”

While all of this is pure speculation, it’s believed the two honest brokers decide to beat the living hell out of the truth in order to make it fit their ideological purposes.

”If it was a con-spiracy to smear the civil service by abuse of parliamentary privilege, it was pretty bloody hamfisted, cynical and pathetic,” our correspondent adds,

“imagine being that devoid of integrity and lacking that much respect for democracy and the position of a people’s representative?

Old school public school bully mentally. Pick on the ones who can’t fight back. What a lark! And serve your own ends in the process. Nice work if you can get it, like being an MP and all the expenses and privilege.”

Asked for comment on what sanctions will be taken against the devious, truth fighting duo, the terrified and clueless woman who thinks she is the prime minister issued the following statement,

“On the 23rd of June 2016 the British people voted to ensure all Conservative Party MP’s caught lying in parliament to be automatically included on that year’s honours list.”

The British people have spoken, now let them be quiet.

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Post of Foreign Secretary to be renamed No Foreigners Secretary from April 2019

One unexpected implication of Brexit is the redundancy of the post of Foreign Secretary. After April 2019, the UK’s borders will be sealed off permanently, rendering contact with the outside world unnecessary. The Foreign Office will close, and the post of Foreign Secretary will be renamed No Foreigners Secretary.

The responsibilities of the postholder will largely comprise of ensuring that the British border is watertight. The No Foreigners Secretary will be in charge of beating the bounds. The PM, whoever it may be, will therefore seek to employ a complete Bounder.

The present incumbent, Boris Johnson, had a crisis of confidence. “What a consternopoly!” he exclaimed. “What a frogwaffling nuisance!” He immediately decided to campaign against Brexit, to keep his job. That is, until he realised that, after April 2019, a complete bounder was required.

“I’m a complete bounder!” he cried, flip-flop-flapdoodling. “And a cad, and a multifantanimous rotter. I’m the man for the job!” Fierce competition is expected from unelected bureaucrat Nigel Farage.

Boris has already started building Britain’s boundary wall. Since supplies of Lego have been banned under the terms of the upcoming Always Buy British Bill, he is constructing it out of stickle bricks.

British seaside holidaymakers will be recruited to help out. They will be instructed to build a wall out of sand using their buckets and spades. The work will only be carried out on sunny days. Because Brexit means that the sun will now shine all day, every day, the work will be finished in no time.

All this will clearly prevent Johnny Foreigner from invading ever again. Britain may seem vulnerable to attacks from above, but this is under control, too. Copious amounts of hot air are already being generated by conceited Brexiters, and the updraught produced is sufficient to repel all aircraft.

So there you have it. Global Warming is caused by Global Britain. You heard it here first.

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Perpetual futility machine nearing end of working life

Scientists from the Institute of Exasperation in Coalchurch, Essex,  have issued a statement today revealing the perpetual futility machine is nearing the end of its working life.

”It lasted a lot longer than we expected with such a small power source in the CPU,” Professor O. M. Gawd, told our tech boffin.

”We may decide to end the experiment early or we may not.”

The Professor revealed that the experiment had exceeded expectations too in one key area.

”The sheer amount of futility generated has really been something, especially if you’ve been caught in the area affected by the PFM.

The drag zone, to get all techie on you, the drag zone has been detected as far away as the east of Europe and even some days the Middle East.”

Will they be working on a successor model?

”We’re not sure we can get the funding. Our donors aren’t keen.

Although there is maybe one or two EU27 citizens in the U.K. who are not yet caught in the drag zone, most indigenous people have been.

But it would be worth it to measure the impact on them. Just what is the gross futility a PFM can generate?”

So what’s next?

”We’ll place the machine on a quiet bench, somewhere in the back, to power down when we’re sure it’s finished its working time.”

This will allow you to focus on the next project at the Institute for Exasperation?

”Yes. The Boris Boris Boris Engine. But we’re not sure if releasing so much nonsense into the atmosphere while the waves of futility are still ebbing away is ethical. We’ll have to debate it.”

Good luck Professor. We would like to say we’ve certainly felt the waves of the PFM in our office day in and out since mid 2016.

Whatever next?

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North London man recovering at home after having to speak against PM on Brexit

Medics report a North London man is recovering at home after having to speak out against the prime minister on an issue related to Brexit.

”It was terrible,” a former colleague told LCD Views, but only after we threatened to expose them as A fake member of the Labour Party, masquerading, who is really a yellow Tory, because they once questioned the Labour leadership’s policy on Brexit/Lexit.

”I heard he was left feeling very faint. It was one of his most difficult days in politics. He’s been an active member of his local branch for donkeys years.”

It’s believed the not very well coded racism in Ms May’s speech about making EU27 nationals second class citizens after March 2019 forced the  North London man to call the press and issue a rebuttal.

”I’m surprised he got on the air, if I’m honest,” the insider went on,

“he has this little weekly local radio gig, well not this week, he was doing something else, which was strange because he talks about issues that impact on people’s day to day lives, and this week has been a shocker for future expectations.

Anywau, normally he’d have a friend talk about Brexit. He doesn’t really want to touch it because he doesn’t want to upset some sentimental types who mostly live up north, but he felt he had to.”

We’re glad he did. May laying down another red line she’ll soon have to scrub out was shaming for its content and context. And the general futility of it.

”He’ll be alright in a day or two. As long as he doesn’t have to speak again about Brexit before the next Conservative Party leadership contest.

Or preferably, the general election in 2022.”

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‘Queue for Britain’ classes replace tolerance lessons in schools as the more vital future life skill

Great news of advancing preparations for Brexit by the government today with the announcement that proper British queuing is to be taught in British schools, instead of tolerance, to better prepare tomorrow’s leaders for Brexit.

We’re not sure who is currently education secretary, it’s such a hot potato, who’d want it? So we invented a spokesman for the Department of Education.

“I’ll serve well enough,” said Bumble-UKuf, MP for Tommorow, “this is bold and imaginative planning on behalf of your government catering for the needs of your children, yesterday and the day about seventy years before yesterday.”

Under the new guidance, which must be followed by all schools but “free schools”, modules in British queuing will,

”Replace that all outmoded PC gone mad crap we’ve been shovelling down our kids throat ever since we decided wars and food rationing were bad things.

We’ll the new golden era of true British racism is being born again. No more attempting to understand and accept, to avoid inter-national conflict.

Tub thumping classes will replace music lessons shortly too, by order of your Prime Minister.”

We asked our team of education correspondents what they thought of all this?

”Do we have to wait in line and talk one at a time?” the choir returned.

Yes of course! We can see our entire platoon of education reporters will be down for remedial classes.

”I think it’s great,” A Student replied, “tolerance, respect for neighbours, sense of community, loyalty to friends, those are all provably shared values among many cultures.

But proper British queuing? That’s what we do best! We’ll show the world how queuing is done again after Brexit.”

Mostly of course for bread and if we’re lucky a nip of counterfeit schnapps.

Queue for Britain. Go on. Form an orderly line. You know you want to queue for Britian.

 

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Maidenhead MP Theresa May writes letter of no confidence in the prime minister to chairman 1922 committee

LCD Views has heard a confirmed rumour that the MP for Maidenhead, Theresa May, has writen to the chairman of the 1922 committee demanding a Tory Party leadership contest after hearing the British PM’s second class EU citizens speech.

”She was shocked, sickened a little actually,” an aide to the Maidenhead MP told us,

”the whole speech was clearly a coded play to mollify the racist, tub thumping, deluded, nostalgia freak idiots in her party who are threatening to plunge the knives in unless she starts treating anyone not born in little England like dirt.”

It’s not clear how many letters are in the drawer of the chairman’s desk demanding a leadership contest, and an attempt to replace Theresa May as party leader, but it is believed to be perilously close to the forty eight needed.

”We know the entire cabinet has written a letter each. Boris actually has written multiple ones alone. So it’s really just a matter of days now. One more screw up or u turn and it’s all go. It’s coming. Just wait.”

Theresa May herself is said to be desperate to know how many letters are there and who they are from.

”Every day she has to say something farcical in order to placate some headcase with a pen in their hand who has glared at her in a threatening way in the Commons.”

So it seems, now that Theresa May has lost the support of the MP for Maidenhead she is unlikely to see through the negotiations with the European Union?

”What negotiations? You’re just being silly. We’re not negotiating. We’re being told how and where we can go, and how fast.”

Copies of all the letters will be available to purchase from the 10 Downing Street Global Britain cafe and gift shop, after the contest occurs.

While you’re there, why not purchase a cream tea and a scone? Because we won’t be selling any of that foreign muck.

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Dyson reveals design for a revolutionary new PM that sucks even harder

Legendary British patriot and inventor of things that suck to varying degrees, James ‘I only move money offshore because I love Blighty so much it hurts’ Brexit Dyson has revealed plans for a revolutionary new prime minister who sucks even harder.

LCD Views’ political technology correspondent spoke to the legend himself to hear more.

“Do you ever get the feeling when you look at Theresa May that she doesn’t quite suck enough?” Dyson asked.

No. We don’t. We think she’s at about 200,000 watts already.

“Do you ever think, if I designed a prime minister, they would suck even harder than this one?”

Who is interviewing who here?

“Well I do. When I’m counting my money in my little house in Malaysia, wondering how to get more tax efficient, because that’s how much I love England, I pause with my pencil above the yellow legal pad and I realise if I designed a prime minister they would suck even harder.”

Finally a statement and not a question.

“Do you know what I’m going to do about it?”

Here we go again.

“I’m going to design a Brexit prime minister that sucks even harder than Theresa May. A Brexit prime minister that will just crash out of the EU and let the chips fall where they may.”

Dyson went on to reveal he has already finished the sketches and his perfect prime minister to lead the country through these troubled times would look something like a fop caricature from the Edwardian period. Maybe even earlier.

“Do you ever decide to go on an ideological crusade against one of the pins underpinning peace in Europe since WW2 because you lost a battle about environmental standards on vacuum cleaners years ago? And you’re so convinced of your God given right to do whatever the hell you want that you can’t handle it?”

Finally one we can answer.

“No. We don’t. What’s the tax regime like in Malaysia?”

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May’s new red line on migrants will stop Brits fleeing to EU27 in transition time

Theresa May has gotten tough on those seeking to emigrate away from Brexit Britain in the transition period saying, “We will stop Brits permanently fleeing the country during the transition period.”

We spoke to our Democratic People’s Republic of Britain correspondent, who heard the landmark speech in China.

“I was eating my favourite dim sum at a little restaurant in a side street when I accidentally looked at Twitter.” M. Flatley said, “I almost choked on my sticky pork buns.”

The speech was a play, Flatley suggests, to keep the racists in May’s party happy.

”With declining membership of the Conservative Party, as old and nostalgic racists die, this will boost recruitment, May thinks.”

But how will the EU27 respond?

”They will welcome the move with open arms.

Imagine a flow of well educated people committed to your values seeking sanctuary away from a country increasingly pitching itself to the world as an isolationist, xenophobic and frankly clueless in order to strike new trade deals from a substantially weaker position than previously? Let them come.”

It’s not clear how the audience of Chinese politicians and officials received the speech, but we are prepared to take a wild stab in the dark.

”May is a ridiculous and weak leader who has no control of party or country, which is not respected,” Flatley stabs in the dark.

”Furthermore, she has exceptionally weird timing. Over here saying send your students and send your cash and by the way, we don’t like Europeans, imagine what we really think of you in May’s universe of idiocy?”

It’s probably about time this prime minister and her party of ageing dust mites of hate were swept from office.