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Corbyn shock descent from Richard the Lionheart DNA analysis reveals why he’s always away on crusade

LCD Views can report wonderful news from the world of science with the revelation that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is a descendent of the famous French-English King, and sovereign of England in the 12th century, Richard the Lionheart.

“I’m thrilled,” Mr Corbyn is expected to say when he addresses the matter later on Twitter,

“It gives me something big to talk about that isn’t Brex…I mean, it’s a bit of an ironic twist.

If anyone, you would have thought I’d be descended from Wat Tyler, but then he fought for freedom of movement, so maybe not the best link after all, given I am now apparently against it. Am I against it? What’s our position on things today? What’s Keir said?”

The surprising bit of DNA work came about after Mr Corbyn’s copy of the Virgin Rail timetable was found in a recycling bin and taken away for analysis.

We spoke to Professor Anythin Butt from the Institute of Famous DNA to hear more.

“Well, the lads and I had a few too many whiskies a few weeks back and we thought, wouldn’t it be funny to break into the crypt of Richard I and get us a bit of bone. The idea came about because of that amusing Boris Swiss mummy story.”

It seems they were so tickled by the idea they immediately put momentum behind it and drove to Anjou, France, that night.

“Stage One took a fair bit of guts. I don’t know if you’ve ever driven the last Leyland on the roads down to Dover and stolen a boat? While completely smashed, and then evaded the UK’s last remaining coastguard boat to cross the channel under the cover of darkness? I have!”

It seems they had several contemporary samples which they attempted to match the famous monarch to, but it was JC who won.

“It really makes perfect sense,” Prof Butt said, “now we know why he’s always off on some crusade and not fighting against the one thing that is the greatest current threat to workers, and their livelihoods in UK today.

You know, the Tories political project that is going to make renationalising anything but spit impossible to achieve, because of the chronic economic hardship that will result? But let’s talk about other things.”

He touched the side of his nose then and whispered ‘long game’.

The news is not expected to bring any great comfort to the millions of people though, who are expected to lose their jobs once the Tories succeed in crashing the UK out of both the SM and CU, as is their likely design, while Labour stands by whipping its MP’s in support every time it matters.

But of course no one at all except class traitor yellow Tories will blame Labour when the entire country just suddenly falls off a cliff into civil disorder and asset stripping glory.

Imagine being pretty left wing and aligning yourself with Jacob Rees-mogg and Nigel Farage and Rupert Murdoch on a political agenda that is just steeped in racism and threats to people’s rights? Mad hey! What times we live in.

“It’s just genetic when it comes to JC’s stance on Brexit,” the professor winked, “Nature v nurture. It seems nurture has won out on this one.”

Next he tried to take a hair sample and we left.

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British Army ordered to synchronise privates on parade with Trump’s non-phallic military calvacade

British Army chiefs are said to be uncertain how to respond to an order direct from 10 Downing Street that they are to synchronise privates on parade with Trump’s totally non-phallic military calvacade later in the year.

LCD Views normally requests Defence Secretary Gavin “tarantula” Willyson write for us directly on any defence related matters, so why change a good habit now?

Over to you keeper of the dark arts.

“People are asking me how I feel about that trembling bird brain in my office of destiny at Downing Street going behind my back and ordering my British Army to organise a parade,” Mr Willyson writes, “am I mad?”

And are you mad?

“I’m furious!

When I promoted myself to run the military of the United Kingdom I did so because it seemed the natural progression for chief whip of the Conservatives.

What’s better than a book full of other people’s secrets when it’s time to apply a mental chinese burn, than having the whole saucy military in the palm of your hand when some pinko, commie, leftie, commie, pinkos get up to no good, once the post Brexit food rationing starts?

I’ve the whole lot of you right where I want you. It makes me aroused.

Not in a sexual way. In the purely academic sense of having all those guns and missiles and submarines under my command. Throbbing in the palms of my hands.

Cheers me up the thought on down days.

Days like the day following the day after you have a big spray about the Russians in the press.

But you forgot about all that illicit stuff in the early 00’s. And the devious rooskies already have a fat file on everything naughty you’ve ever done.

Which is shock, even if you’re defence minister of a nuclear power.

Who thought that being defence minister of a nuclear power would be harder than screaming behind closed doors at gutless Tory MP’s who are terrified someone will find out what they did on their gap year?

Oh, this is probably all too much for the average voter to understand. This is why you’re the ruled and not the ruler. Metric or imperial! ha!

Now, no military parade in the United Kingdom is going to be phallic, as we will have downsized the whole show to a couple of cardboard cutouts by the summer, and neither will Donald’s, not with hands his size.

We can line up a flat screen television in Leicester Square, show the US on parade on it and have our privates out and parading at the same time. No way on earth will that flop. What ho!”

 

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Global Britain 2.0 publishing house launches “Bob the Brexiter” series to teach children about cannibalism

Global Britain 2.0 publishing house has launched the exciting and new “Bob the Brexiter” series to teach reception age children about cannibalism and how to survive in near future Britain.

Our education supplement editor, Rosie Searchlight, spoke to the head of Global Britain 2.0 publishers to find out more about this mad development.

“Fanfannyfantastiloosic!” Chief editor of kid’s books, Mr Johnson Johnson, told Rosie,

“When the aaaaa, esteemed and much cherished Department for Edu-edumacation asked us to work hand in glove with the Nadine Dorris Institute for Idiots to devise, design and ultimately launch like a comet into a field jam packed with giant reptlies, the Bob the Brexiter series, we couldn’t wait to get our big fingers into that pie and rip chunks out and smear them over our cheeks like a toddler faced with a bag of chocolates.”

Great to see such enthusiasm for going forward. Whose actual concept was it?

“Well, it’s a little intentionally derivative. We studied the plots of USA neocon financial long cons, the trickle down lark, we mixed in some of the shame the institutions that are the foundations of democratic politics, really run them down over time, so you can take control, bit of that stuff, and then we slammed a whole help of ‘Lord of the Flies’ in for good measure. It’s bloody good fun.”

But what about early reports from some parents that their children have started crying midway through reading the first “Bob the Brexiter” book, seemingly having confused it with a long running series where a competent team of professionals overcome obstacles to construct something worthwhile?

“Fibble fabble. All children. Absolutely every single mite who has gotten one of the first editions in their hands has got to the end and thrown up in excitement.”

That’s reassuring.

“And thanks to our colleagues at the Department for Health for organising the coming promotional tour of all schools when Nadine, from the Nadine Dorris Institute for Idiots, will be along to give away sensibly priced signed copies to everyone present.

She’ll also be asking everyone to join a WhatsApp group with her, because apparently, even though she helped write them, she doesn’t quite understand the books.

It actually got a bit sticky. But she convinced herself that if something is too complex for you to understand you should throw it out. Kind of like the concept of brain surgery. Just put it in the can because you personally don’t get it.

Now that’s the way to design a future for all our happy little readers!”

Get your copy today! But be careful when you read it. Those recipes featured at the end of each chapter will come in handy one day!

 

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Famous saying “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” found not to apply to Brexit

Brexit linguists are reacting furiously this morning to a report from the Institute for Language in Industry, which concludes the famous saying “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” has been found not to apply to Brexit.

“We deny it,” fumed Mr Figel Narage, speaking on behalf of a shrinking minority of Brits labelled ‘the people’.

“This is just part of the secret plot to sabotage the journey to the sunny uplands.

Did the institute even attempt the experiment of having a vibrant, hi-tech industry like the automotive sector after rapidly pulling prematurely out of the largest trading bloc on earth?

I bet you they didn’t. This is pioneering stuff we’re about. It’s what made Britain great!”

Questioned how he could be so certain that introducing any degree of disruption into just in time, cross border manufacturing systems wouldn’t undermine the profitability of the sector and causes massive job losses, Mr Narage responded,

“Pure speculation designed by traitors to undermine the glorious future the United Kingdom will have when people like my puppet masters can trade the whole country like a commodity such as cheese.

I wouldn’t listen to any cunning linguist if I were you. I certainly can’t stand it.”

Quite. Hardly surprising.

But the Institute was not getting off the front foot.

“We took forty seven rats and we subjected them to a diet solely based on a formula of vague reassurances and blithe statements, and long grass. Half died in minutes. The rest turned to cannibalism and right now, the last two rats are having a fight to the death. The winner will presumably exist on food parcels flown in from France and via self-cannibalism afterwards.

Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger didn’t even get a look in, didn’t even get a start for the majority of test subjects. Although of course, whoever is crowned King Rat will claim the opposite, until he’s eaten his arm off.”

So there we are. Don’t try this at home.

On a side note, the exhaustive research undertaken to write this article suggest the phrase in the title is of Japanese origin (other searches returned Chinese and Korean).

If it is of Japanese origin it’s a fitting phrase, given the polite warnings the Japanese representatives have been giving about the future of their business interests.

Now, over to Nigel Farage for a rebuttal, oh, hang on, he’s on a conference call between some of Trump’s minions and bots based in Moscow. We’ll wait.

LCD Views would offer the alternative phrase however that, “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger”, because Heath Ledger just nailed the Joker back in the day, in a way that made the heart beat stronger.

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Brexit recipes, updated edition, includes new recipes for unscrambling eggs

Global Britain 2.0 publishers have chosen LCD Views (out of a competitive field of one) to make the patriotic and nourishing announcement that the updated edition of their bestselling cookbook, ‘Brexit recipes : How to eat mud in a time of plenty’ will be updated to include a dairy section.

“It’s truly exciting for anyone who takes all the eggs they have out of the fridge, while high as a kite on populism, and drops them on the floor,” GB Chief Editor, Mar Larky, told us.

We interviewed Mar in a pop up cafe by the Thames.

“It’s a great idea Mar to have a pop up cafe on the foreshore while the tide is out.”

“Isn’t it just. You don’t happen to know what time the tide comes in do you?” Mar was so excited, he almost spilt his triple espresso macchiato.

“No. But I’m sure if we just believe it’s not going to rise we’ll be fine. Tell us about the updated edition?”

“Sure thing Searchlight. Inside this updated edition is all anyone who still cooks will need to easily reverse egg related accidents.”

That’s really good timing when you consider the state of the country.

“Say you actually make an omelette and break all your eggs. Or scramble some eggs by mistake.

We all do that from time to time, when it was actually our brains we meant to scramble before watching BBC Question Time?”

I know the feeling.

“That’s not a problem anymore.”

It seems the recipes Mar has compiled for putting eggy mishaps right will involve simply building a time machine and stepping inside.

“Our new generation tardis designs mean you can build one from materials found about the home.

No one should be left staring at an empty egg container, unless of course your children need them to make a spaceship.

Although we do cover that in “After the Drumpf : Life beyond Earth”, just in case you’re interested.

Most recyclable products can be used to build a vehicle that can be launched into orbit using only the power of your imagination and some hot air. We call them Johnson Balloons.”

We did ask if there would be any legal complications arising out of using the ‘tardis’ as a name?

“Why would there be? It’s our BBC. We pay for it.

We can use John Humphrys as a utensil drawer if we want. Andrew Marr as a food processor. Andrew Neil to oversee an illegal cock fighting ring. Nick Robinson as a souffle mould. The choice is ours.”

Demand is expected to be intense for the updated edition, but only because by the time it hits the shelves all the other books will have been eaten already or used to warm homes. So I’d pre-order yours today. It’s only £200M a week. A real steal!

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Brexit stocks slide after UK plc keeps issuing profit warnings

Sounds of alarm are mixing in with the screeching of high windows opening on the upper firms of futures brokerage firms today with the news that Brexit stocks have begun to slide after the company issued a series of profit warnings.

“It’s a bit of a pickle,” Brexit broker David Davis told LCD Views, “I mean, these profit warnings were top secret, we weren’t even supposed to show them to the shareholders.

I’m a little surprised they exist to be honest, I’ve been running around tell the world they didn’t, because I was so drunk at the time I was supposed to have written them, I couldn’t remember if I did or not.

I ordered every one of the fifty two people I gave a copy not to show anyone.

I’m buggered if I know how they leaked out? It’s not like we want to get people used to the idea little by little that they’re in for one god almighty shock. Definitely not the frog in the slowly boiling pot theory applied to running a country.”

It is to be hoped that stocks in whistleblowers are holding their ground, because Davis claims he will be hunting for whoever did it, once he finishes the latest round at the Commons bar.

“Don’t be silly!” He laughed back, in our face,

“Of course I won’t be looking for who leaked them.

I’m attempting to get to the end of the Brexit process without looking in the mirror.

It’s making shaving a bugger of a job though. Can you tear me off a few tabs of toilet paper? I think I’m cutting my own throat.”

LCD Views would like to reassure anyone holding Brexit stocks who maybe feeling anxious that there is nothing to worry about, these profit warnings are perfectly normal in modern Britain.

We advise you to hedge against any losses you may worry about incurring with Brexit by putting everything else you own into bitcoin and USD dollars together.

There is absolutely no concern at all that if Donald Trump is able to stack governance of the Fed across the pond with sociopathic idiots serving his simplistic understandings of global trade and diplomatic relations, and the interplay with financial markets, that this will in anyway cause a crash in the value of the dollar, once he is able to start artificially devaluing it, causing a pickle for the United Kingdom, as we pull out of the European Union to embark on a bold and triumphant global tour in a boat.

While stocks may go up and they may go down, Brexit stocks can only rise like Daedalus and Icarus. But maybe start stockpiling a little tinned food, just in case.

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Salisbury Plain bypass plans to incorporate a roundabout on top of Stonehenge

Salisbury Plain, home to the famous tourist attraction Stonehenge, is once again in the news for the wrong reasons. The latest proposal for a bypass now incorporates a roundabout on top of the ancient monument.

Classic rock band Spinal Tap have already been booked to play at the opening of the new roundabout.

LCD’s Modernising Britain correspondent spoke to Progress Minister, Vic Torian-Values. “Wiltshire has fewer than its fair share of roads,” said Torian-Values. “And Stonehenge lies directly in the path of the shortest route from London to Cornwall.”

Yes, but why the interchange? “There is no satisfactory link between Swindon and Southampton,” claimed Torian-Values. “This is an important strategic pathway, and will become of paramount importance once the Isle of Wight becomes the sole point of entry into Britain post-Brexit.”

Torian-Values went on to reveal further modernisation plans for Britain, once we leave the EU in a blaze of glory. Cornwall will become one huge holiday complex. Donald Trump will be encouraged to bring his exceptionally successful golf business to any part of Scotland he chooses. Spaghetti Junction will become a rollercoaster in a new theme park, Aston Towers.

All the people too poor to invest in the Future Of Britain will be branded as traitors, and will be relocated to The North.

We quizzed Torian-Values on the location for the new roundabout. “The supports are already there,” he explained. “It just needs the tarmac.”

Think of the heritage, we persisted. Stonehenge is an important ancient monument! “It is visited by a few new-age hippie types twice a year,” Torian-Values retorted. “They will be welcome to drive the new road. If they can pay the tolls, of course.”

At this point Torian-Values left, muttering that he was “sick of bribing the f***ing jobsworth traffic wardens to turn a blind eye” to his Merc parked on double yellow lines in a bus lane.

Salvation or sacrilege? Answers on a brick thrown through the window of your local tree-hugger’s house.

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“Running through wheat”, the collected letters of T May to people she admires, letter No 1

“Running through wheat”, the collected letters of T May to people she admires, letter No 1

Dear J C,

I hope I do not embarrass you, writing to you in this way, in secret?

I must confess I feel a little sheepish. Almost as if I am doing something I should not. Talking to the enemy feels so naughty, I had to check the walk-in wardrobe for a farmer.

But why shouldn’t two grown ups write to each other. I have left the question mark off the end of that sentence, because it is rhetorical.

When I conceived of the plan of writing to you I felt strong and stable, but now, faced with the reality of putting pen to paper I find I do not know which way to turn.

Do you often feel the same? Unable to decide what to do at times of crisis?

The really big decisions in life, like, how heavy a chain to wear around your neck so as to appear truly powerful?

What thickness leather trousers to wear when relaxing?

Whether or not to destroy the entire automotive manufacturing sector in your country because some excitable types in your party believe that everything will be printed out in 2D shortly, even the workers?

We do like a bit of mismanaged decline. What about you?

I won’t write much longer as I know you are building a movement. It seems very zen of you, to start something perfect that you will throw away as soon as you have finished.

But I feel I should thank you.

Thank you.

We should go hill walking together one day. I will show you things you wouldn’t believe.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. They are all moments which will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

I feel a bit funny now. Almost as if my batteries need charging.

Write back to me.

I can’t do Brexit without you.

Best regards,

Your secret admirer

(Not so secret now! Blush!)

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Brexit Dad not concerned about brain drain because his plumbing is working just fine

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has expressed his views on the so-called Brexit brain drain.  His brain is staying exactly where it is, he says.

“Brexit means Brexit!” he declared. “This means we are staying exactly where we are, and everybody else can clear off. My plumbing is just fine, so get over it.”

LCD sent Lone Centrist correspondent Caleb V Nice to speak to Narage. He suggested that intelligent Brits would leave the country while they still can. “Brain Drain means Brain Drain,” he remarked, cheekily.

“The only thing going down the drain is, well, what is supposed to go down there. Here, let me demonstrate…” At this point Mr Narage left the room. Ten minutes and a hearty flush later, he reappeared. “There! Everything is going just swimmingly!” he said. “Oops, wrong metaphor.” He left briefly to flush again.

Mr Nice gently reminded him that the phrase Brain Drain was not meant to be taken literally.

“Cream rises, and dregs fall,” stated Narage. “The brightest and best will stay. Who wouldn’t? And the rubbish will be flushed out into the Brussels cesspool. That’s science, that is!”

No, no, could we move on from actual sewage systems, pleaded Mr Nice.

“Oh, I see!” Narage responded. “Nudge nudge, wink wink! I know what you mean! See my wife, Krystyna? Now you know why she is always smiling! And my lovely children, Figella and Figel junior? The old Narage plumbing is in tip-top condition, like a well-oiled machine.”

Tempted to leave Mr Narage to continue lubricating himself, Mr Nice tried one final tack. People are seriously worried that our brainiest people are going to emigrate, because the economy is likely to shrink rapidly post-Brexit. Neither will we be able to afford their wages, nor will their jobs be safe.

“Nonsense, my dear chap!” he replied. “It’s just scaremongering. It happens every time this country changes for the better. Stop being such a gloomy Graham and get behind your country!”

Cream rises. But so do scum and big sh*ts.

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Downing Street denies deliberately running down clock on EU negs, claiming it’s just a shambles

Downing Street has hit back against growing claims they are deliberately running down the clock on the negotiations with the EU, claiming instead it’s just a shambles.

LCD Views is an inherently suspicious global media organisation, so we tracked the Secretary of State for Exiting the EU & Reality down within the crumbling walls of Westminster.

We had some trouble doing it.

It took most of the day.

We eventually found him at the Commons bar, where he does most of his preparation for the negotiations.

“We really are doing our best,” D Davis MP (somehow) hit back, “straining every sinew, bursting every vessel. A football match isn’t over if you’re six nil down and there’s still extra time on the clock!”

We’re convinced!

But we fear the growing number of voices on social media that are asking the unreasonable question, ‘Is this administration just a total shower, or are they intentionally making a hash of the Brexit negotiations?’, will only continue to grow in volume.

It’s possible the May government is just running a smoke and mirror show to keep everyone distracted before the UK tumbles over the much mentioned cliff.

Comfortable in the security the malfunctioning BBC and the majority of the MSM, who either want the Brexit project to succeed, in a hard way, or are just too inept these days to find out what is really going on, will allow them to get away with it.

“I would point a finger at the 24 hour news cycle,” an intern in our ‘Brexit  ONLY Brexit’ department said, “for the failure for everyone but Channel 4 to interrogate.”

Brexit ONLY Brexit is a large department. We’re always taking on staff. Two new ones for every one we lose to despair.

“The media thinks they have to pump new stories into us like some sort of viagra charged home movie specialist.

They have lost sight of the fact that a lot of the population will actually stop and digest information if it’s presented without clear bias and substantiated. Enough to make a difference at the ballot box.”

So much for him! We can’t see him lasting long.

We’ll take the government line. It’s just a shambles.

But we request people start asking the question,

‘Is the May government intentionally making a hash of negotiations in order to crash out of the EU, and fulfil the wet dreams of the Brexit disaster capitalists? Or are they just staggeringly useless?’

We request people please start asking that online, before we’re out of time.