LCD Views

LCD Views spoke to a diehard Brexit supporter today to hear why he’s still steadfast in support of Brexit in spite of all the alarming economic forecasts leaking out of the government.

“Because I’m a racist,” Mr Figel Narage told LCD Views, “you can have all the economic forecasts you like sunshine, you can attempt to get me to pay attention long enough to even understand them, but it won’t change my support for Brexit. How else are we going to kick all the bloody forinners out?”

Quite.

“I mean, you got people coming over here and working in our fields for low wage, seasonal work, that could just as easily be done by our ageing population, until the robots can do it all, or the teenagers that could otherwise be getting up to their eyeballs in a mountain of debt just to work some stupid digital economy job of yesteryear.

Why not have them do it?

The care work in a sector that doesn’t pay sufficiently and is on the verge of collapse because like every bloody thing else the neocon greed is good crowd get their hands on it’s been outsourced to blazes, then margins squeezed by ideological austerity to fill in the holes left by the banks, proper British people should be doing those jobs.”

Clearly.

“And the loss of the financial services? Slowly flowing across the channel? It’s just bits of paper. Who needs the revenue? Not the taxman! He’d just give it to the NHS or something, once public pressure finally causes them to cave in.”

Keep going.

“And anyways, if the NHS is sold off and gone, that’s one less thing for all those young, educated people to come here for. It’s a win win if you ask me. I’ve never seen a doctor in my life and there’s nothing wrong with me.”

You’re amazing.

So none of the doom and gloom, none of the loss of investment, none of the loss of international prestige, none of the long waste to come as we try to re-negotiate over 700 international treaties from the stand point of an economy which has underinvested in its infrastructure, again thanks to the neocons, for decades and is not best placed to compete against the EU, and will be much weaker in new negotiations as a result of all that, none of that can shake your support for Brexit?

“You would have thought Nigel Farage saying Jo Cox being butchered in the street just before the ref in 2016 would have shaken my support, him saying it was “inconvenient” timing. It didn’t.”

So what will shake your support?

“For me, and a core of Brexit supporters like me?”

Yes.

“Nothing. Because we’re racists. Now toddle along with you. I’ve got signs to get down from the loft to do with who’s welcome in the B&B I plan to set up to house english economic refugees from the north once the Japanese car firms make good their threat to bugger off.”

It seems he’s certainly taken his lead from the government’s many xenophobic  utterances since Brexit came to mean Brexit.

Now, if only we had a major party of opposition willing to stand up and be counted?

“I stand to profit more than I thought, after seeing the leaked economic report,” said an emerging market specialist, “In fact, I’m a little shocked, but in the right way.”

The merry comment was made to LCD Views after one of our chief editors was awoken early by the unexpected phone call.

“Who’s calling please?” he grumbled back down the line, “is the coffee on?”

“Just think of all the cash I’ve been stockpiling over the years in USD accounts just waiting for the great Brexit train crash! Panama, Panama, I want to wire money back from Panama!”

“Who is this? Jacob? Daniel? Boris? Nigel? Kate? Jeremy? Is that you? If it’s you Jacob, I’ve told you not to call unless you want to practise latin.”

But the happy caller was not dissuaded.

“Maybe I should put some more in Euros too? What do you think?” he asked.

“You’re the emerging market specialist, you tell me.”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW CHEAP THE NHS IS GOING TO BE AFTER THE NO DEAL CRASH?”

“Please stop shouting, I’m only just waking up.”

The line went dead then.

The call wasn’t recorded. The transcript is missing. But I’ll believe our senior staffer, probably.

Especially with the latest leaked forecasts showing that most of the regions of the United Kingdom are promised various levels of doom under any Brexit scenario.

We spoke to our senior investment guru to ask what he will do in advance of the train running off the tracks?

“Don’t invest in car manufacturing in the UK.

Don’t invest in pharma.

Don’t invest in aerospace.

Don’t invest in higher education, the government doesn’t.

Just don’t invest until the crash and it’s time to bring it all back!

Take your money away like everyone else will.

Money will make money, but only if you take a leaf out of the Brexiter’s playbook and prudenter, placerat and keep it offshore until the prunus falces quondam maturavit.”

Finally, some latin at last.

LCD Views’ embedded reporter at Downing Street reports back from the bunker that Theresa May is resisting calls for an enquiry into who said “No deal is better than a bad deal” just so, so many times last year.

“They have more pressing priorities,” Arma Geddon said over a scratchy line, “I’m not sure how long I’ll have reception. Right now the prime minister is going so far down for cover it’s likely all reception will cut out.”

No deal is better than a bad deal. A catchphrase someone used just so, so many times prior to the June 8th 2017 general election has been shown today to be something only a catastrophic arsehat would ever had said, on the back of leaked economic forecasts showing that a no deal scenario would pretty much end all life in the United Kingdom outside of London.

“The important thing is that there will still be cake to eat in the Westminster tea rooms regardless of whatever happens in the badlands,” Arma Geddon said, over a line that was breaking up so bad we had to fill in the blanks.

Regardless of Downing Street’s understandable focus on more pressing matters, such as convincing the automotive industry not to say it’s going to up sticks and leave before Brexit Day, it’s likely calls will continue to be issued for a public inquiry.

An inquiry into what fumbling, terrified, clueless, cynical, frightened cat of a public official could ever have spent months trying to sell such an obvious con of a phrase to the voting public.

Now that the economic forecasts have come out that state it would determinedly grind the economies of most of the United Kingdom into the dust over years of desperation, rage and fear…and ironically, mass emigration away from Britain.

“I’m sure they’ll get to the bottom of underqualifed fool said it,” Arma Geddon said, just before contact was lost, “although probably not in the emergency toilet that the prime minister is currently seeking the sanctuary of, just above the earth’s mantle.”

We hope they’ve taken enough paper down. It could be a long night.