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Prime minister confirms new customs arrangement with EU will be a rabbit in a hat

A famous British magician has confirmed today that she is able to give people worried about how we will achieve a deep and close trading relationship with the European Union, after we have left it, by saying she is going to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

“It’s a classic trick,” she blushed in modesty, “not many people can do it. But when the pressure is really on I can.”

The reassurance will be welcome. We spoke to our international trade specialist for more details.

“You get a hat, right?” Dr Fox Fox began, “You got one? Make sure it’s a top hat. A deep one.

Okay, you make the top of the top hat hinged. It’s got to be a door. But one with a stiff seal so it sits snug or the illusion won’t work.”

We’re writing it down…

“Okay. Now you need a rabbit. Tradition dictates a white rabbit because it shows up best under lights. You’ll need sedatives though as the rabbit needs to be calm. You’re going to be shoving it in the hat and dragging it out and waving it around. Dope it to the eyeballs.

Dope yourself too. To the eyeballs, just in case you find yourself unable to perform. Maybe give the rabbit a bit of viagra. Maybe take some too. Stiffen the resolve. This is deep and special.”

Noted. I didn’t realise there would so many trips to the chemist. What about mind over matter? Surely the new union will be exciting enough?

“Don’t get technical.

Now, you’ll need a few distracting personal movements so people aren’t properly focused on the hat when you show them it’s empty.

Make sure the hat is black. This way people won’t see the hinges and flaps.

But it’s important not to leave the rabbit in the hat for too long before you pull it out, but don’t pull it out too early.”

Why not?

“It will suffocate. Not that the UK is in danger of that. No way.”

And finally?

“Suspense.

You need to build up the suspense.

It’s best if your audience thinks you have no idea what you’re doing or how you’re going to achieve it for the surprise to be greatest when you pull the rabbit out of the hat.

If you start pulling the rabbit out and waving it out early, like some boring public servant with a telephone book of plans, everyone will get bored.

Are you ready?”

We can’t wait. Let’s do it before I forget why we’re here.

“Not yet.

The only flaw in the plan to provide certainty for our future trading relationship with the European Union, A new, deep and special, meaningful, enduring, job protecting relationship, at the moment is that we don’t have a rabbit and we don’t have a hat.”

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Downing Street fires first shot in trade war with EU by threatening to shoot itself

The Eurocratic superstate was trembling in its boots today after Downing Street fired the first trade in a trade war by threatening to shoot itself.

“They need to know we mean business,” grumbled Kwasi Kwarteng, MP for Speltthorne, Surrey, “that they can’t just threaten to attempt to maintain a frictionless border with the United Kingdom. We won’t stand for it. We’re prepared to do what it takes to come out on top.”

It was a reassuring statement for people wondering how on earth a nation of 65M, currently sliding down the scale of world economies, is going to face off a united union of nearly half a billion people, comprising the largest trading bloc on earth.

“This is classic divide and conquer,” Kwasi added, “We’ve divided ourselves and now we invite the EU to conquer.”

It’s not certain how the obscene superstate will respond as it’s yet to finalise its plans for a EU army.

“We’ve got them on the run,” Kwarteng added, “you see this loaded shotgun, you see both barrels pointed at my feet, you see my finger sliding around the trigger? I’m prepared to pull the trigger unless…”

Unless the EU gives us the cake and eat it trade deal we’re demanding.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret though,” said the Conservative Party Brexiter, “we actually want to pull the trigger. You may not have noticed, but the people really, really keen on Brexit and Brexit of the hardest kind, are all disaster capitalists most likely working hand in glove with an ill intentioned foreign power.

I’m amazed we’ve got away with it this long. Although the complicity of the official opposition, thus far, certainly helps.”

Kwasi went on to confirm he would be appearing on all BBC outlets over the coming days because all the usual Tory MP’s shoved out for the purpose of lying through their teeth to the country are currently a bit shop soiled.

“We’ve got to get better at our set ups,” Kwarteng admitted, “Probably best to keep Jacob Rees-mogg out of the planning from now on. His little conspiracies keep blowing up in his face.”

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Jeremy Kyle show to replace ECJ to arbitrate trade disputes once U.K. leaves EU

Downing Street offered clarity this morning to the United Kingdom’s importers and exporters with the news that the United Kingdom will definitely leave both the indefinite and the definite custom’s union.

“This is the certainty we’ve been waiting for,” said a farmer standing at the border with the Republic of Ireland and about to move a herd of cows across the road, which is the border,

“now I know I have to plan for ridiculous delays, increased costs and the potential return of paramilitary violence, I feel great. Certainty means certainty.

It’s nice to know that Downing Street, and England in general, are focused on the real dangers to my living and personal safety in my future. And I’m sure they’ll pull a customs union rabbit out of the hat that keeps everyone happy anyway. They’ve still got a year or so to invent it.”

And the farmer was further encouraged by the big shift announced that once the United Kingdom is free of the tyrannical tyranny of a multinational trade dispute arbiter, individuals and businesses who believe their competitors are not playing by the agreed rules, will be able to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.

“I can’t believe our luck,” the farmer added, “to know that a proven resolver of disputes is prepared to take up the duties once performed by the ECJ is just adding further to my sense of impending doom, bankruptcy and terror. I wonder if I’ll be lucky enough to get on the show?”

Jeremy Kyle himself was not available for comment about the exciting re-direction in his carer, said to be currently undertaking a lie detector test to certify for insurers that he is not going to lie when he settles disputes.

We’re just making this up as we go along. We’re Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Reboot edition.

“Jeremy Kyle means Jeremy Kyle,” said Theresa May.

 

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This is not just any old snake oil, this is Reeks & Smogg snake oil

Reeks & Smogg have allegedly seized on a gap in the consumer market as an opportunity to sell ‘snake oil’ and they’ve the right man for the sales job.

A representative of the alternative herbal products company, which has modelled itself on Holland & Barratt, with the exception that the products Reeks & Smogg sell will make you ill, spoke to LCD Views on the benefits of their new product, Jacob’s Oils.

“We have tested it in the Badlands of South Dakota and been surprised by the number of Trump T shirt clad customers purchasing our product,” the Somerset businessman said, “It is literally flying off the shelves. And the customer reviews are rave, even if unintelligible.”

An Exeter R&M shop assistant told us,

“We started stocking Jacob’s Oils in the UK in the summer of 2016.

At first it was a slow seller.

But sales increased significantly just before Christmas 2017. His media profile seems to be rising even as the light dims over his former competitor Nigel of Nigel’s Creams for democratic boils.”

LCD Views has to say we were amazed to see Jacob’s Oils recommended on the ITV Robert Peston show, on the 4th February 2018, by former head of the civil service Lord O’Donnell in his reference to a group of government snake oil salesmen.

Upon further investigation Dominic Raab and Micheal Gove suggested they use Jacob’s Oils to promote their chest hair growth.

This concurs with the buyers in South Dakota who said they also bought the product following Melania Trump, and her slip of the tongue to Voque, about The Donald and his use of numerous hair growth products.

“Donald recommends Jacob’s Oils by Reeks & Smogg, instead of Brylcreem, every day. Just rub it on your brain and you’re away.”

It’s almost as if they’re all in on it together…

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Red, white and blue supermoon now called a Brexitmoon

The moon is, normally, white. The recent supermoon was also a red ‘blood’ moon, and a blue moon too. This triple phenomenon is to be called a Brexitmoon from now on.

LCD Views’ resident astronomer, Patrick Moore-Or-Less, explains. “The moon was closer than usual to earth and appeared bigger than normal, hence ‘super’,” he said. “It was also eclipsed, which gives it the red ‘blood’ colour. This only happens once in a blue moon!”

Mr Moore-Or-Less went on to talk about the science behind a Brexitmoon, using words like perigee, ecliptic, and ellipse. At this point we had had enough of him and shoved him back into his lab.

Government loyalists were naturally overjoyed. “It’s an astroturfical monocle!” said a source close to Boris Johnson. “I intend to… I mean, Mr Johnson intends to build a bridge to the Brexitmoon as soon as Carillion’s finances mysteriously recover.”

One of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s chimney sweeps also commented on his behalf. “I am employed to make sure that his stovepipe hats are always in tip-top working order,” he said. “Mr Rees-Mogg believes that the Brexitmoon is a sign of approval from God himself.”

Over the pond, Donald Trump is also excited by the supermoon. “The biglymoon is due to my powers as President,” he tweeted. “The Flag is red, white and blue. Their it is. The moon is now American territory. I achieved what Obama couldn’t. Great news!”

We tried to send Mr Moore-Or-Less to interview the Man in the Moon. Unfortunately, the British space programme now consists of one mad flat-earther with a home-made rocket powered by charcoal briquettes. Our expert was last seen with a cat and a fiddle, looking for a jumping cow.

We may never know whether the Man in the Moon has shown his true colours at last. The waning moon is back to normal for now. The next Brexitmoon will not occur for another 19 years.

It is a rare and transient phenomenon. Like Brexit, we hope.

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Calculator owners warned they are at risk of attack by Brexiters

The Home Office has disowned an assessment leaked to LCD Views that warns calculator owners are at increased risk of attack by Brexiters as Global Britain moves forward united behind  Brexit.

The assessment, written in Times New Roman, font size 18, is believed to have been prepared to assist DExEU.

”The Home Office really only has one thing to do now and that’s intimidate Johnny foreigners. They’ve a bit of spare capacity so Rudd ruddy Rudd thoughtfully she’d throw a bone David Davis’ way,” our home office spy says.

”It probably wasn’t leaked officially because the action of so called ‘ultra Brexiters’ in the party of government this week shows that calculator owners are now a target for attack anyway.”

The targeting of people who do sums with a modern invention and then write the results down and disseminate them follows a trend visible since 2016.

”The owning of a number counting machine links all the individuals, groups and institutions targeted by Brexit headcases.

The civil service joins a list already comprising of politicians opposed to national economic suicide, voters opposed too, any campaign group opposed too, judges, Gina Miller and anyone not born on this Emerald Isle.

”It’s classic tyrant strategy. Undermine the institutions and champions of democracy and then when public support is shattered stage a coup of all under the guise of the protector and corrector.

But targeting the civil service is a move that shows how little regard Brexit proponents have for history.

Even a brief study of the documentary series “Yes Minister” will teach you the civil service will f*ck you up.”

Arise Sir Humphrey, you’re time to strike is nigh.

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1922 committee to be renamed 1822 committee as soon as I am PM, says Jacob Rees-mogg

“The all powerful Conservative Party 1922 committee is to be renamed the 1822 committee as soon as I am PM,” JRM tells his party and thus LCD Views and the world.

”As I remake the party in my image of affected and infective antiquity, we will all do well to remember a year when there was not universal suffrage, even for low born men, let alone the tender vessels God supplied for men to procreate with.”

Other changes expected to be made by JRM PM will be the return of capital, corporal, temporal and spiritual punishments to be administered by way of beatings with the bible.

”As many beatings as required to reunite the lost lamb with the flock.”

The civil service will still be allowed to exist, but will better understand that its role is one of support for the governing party.

”There will no longer be a need to leak unfavourable reports and assessments to the press, because I will be dictating all documents and the press will be abolished.”

We asked our political scientist what he thought the future was now holding with the revolution occurring under Mr Rees-mogg?

”The future is holding something smelly and sticky it’s desperately trying to shake off its hands, I say.

But if I were you I would welcome the rise of Jacob to the top of the rabid pack of pure breeds that is currently the sum of the Conservative Party.

i year most of the moderate female Conservative MP’s are running for the hills and all those people who say, why don’t the British act? The French would be rioting by now and bring down the government.

JRM PM will give those people a granted wish.”

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Starmer reels one in as Greening crosses the floor

LCD Views have taken the silken cloth off our crystal ball this morning and in it seen that Labour are in a jubilant mood after former Secretary of State for Education, Justine Greening, crossed the floor. That may not sound like the best set up, but just imagine if it happened, how much would you laugh?

”They’ve been working hard since the June 8th general election to make one crack,” Krad Nibats told LCD Views,

“Activists have been on the pavement week in and week out in any constituency where a Tory MP saw their majority cut from ‘I can vote for a return of child labour, match factories and Brexit’ to ‘omg omg omg’.”

It’s believed it was just a matter of time till one of the senior Conservative MP’s said sod this and left the party, knowing that in the coming general election they would be swept out of their seat and into the political dustbin anyway.

It’s coming. It’s coming. Beware the Ides of March.

“It’s actually been on the cards since the following scene played out in early January in the prime minister’s office,” Krad Nibats added, and handed us a couple of sheets of script.

INT. Prime Minister Theresa May’s Office – Day

A tired woman sits rigid behind a desk. She’s a husk.

She’s attempting to click her fingers in time with a grandfather clock in the corner. But she isn’t able to do it. Always a fraction late as the second hand ticks.

This is Theresa May, prime minister of the United Kingdom. Somehow.

It looks like there’s wires attached to her shoulders and arms, pulling her up towards an invisible puppet master.

A few nervous underlings pace back and forth. They stare at their phones. No one makes eye contact with anyone else.

Theresa’s desk would be an acre of empty space without the one thing placed on it.

A tarantula in a glass case.

CLOSE ON

The tarantula as it reaches lazily up the side of its tank. See those fangs. Make them huge.

Stay on the tarantula and hear the door to the office open.

                                                     Theresa

“Ah, so good of you to come Justine.”

                                                     Justine

“Skip the sweet talk Theresa. We all know why I’m here. And I’ll tell you how it’s going to go.”

PULL BACK

See Theresa transfixed. Terrified. She’s been terrified for so long now. She never knows what to do.

END SCENE

It’s coming.

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Corbyn blamed for radicalising Jacob Rees-Mogg

The poster boy for the Victorian throwback wing of the Conservative Party was involved in fisticuffs yesterday at a University somewhere quite a long way from London. Jacob Rees-Mogg, normally urbane and peaceful, has clearly been radicalised. The finger of suspicion is being pointed at Jeremy Corbyn.

“This distinct shift towards violent behaviour is typical in individuals who have been radicalised,” explained Prof Brian Washing, who specialises in such cases. “Mr Rees-Mogg must have been exposed to radical and subversive views. The most likely situation is one’s place of work. The most likely agent is someone you don’t suspect. Like a gentle, elderly man with a white beard who wouldn’t say boo to a goose.”

Rees-Mogg’s fan club has seized upon Prof Washing’s words with glee. “It’s so obvious!” spluttered long-standing Tory backbencher Sir Ebenezer Tophinose-Chinlack. “Jeremy Corbyn! His radical extremist left-wingery has infiltrated the House Of Commons. It’s a deliberate ploy to undermine democracy!”

Sir Ebenezer, who attends sessions in the Commons whenever the bar closes, warmed to his theme. “It’s part of a Marxist conspiracy, stirred up by the disgusting left-wing media,” he continued. “Unfortunately, Jacob seems to have been infected by it. These people are poisoning the public debate in the name of balance. It has to stop! The Commie press are having a field day.”

Labour failed to put up a spokesman to argue their case. This, admittedly, is in part due to new reporting rules, brought in by the government and meekly endorsed by the BBC. It decrees that there should be two sides to any debate. These are, roughly speaking, pro-Brexit and anti-Corbyn.

Meanwhile, back at his home in London, Corbyn was surprised by reporters as he stepped out this morning to do a little light weeding. “What? Young Jacob involved in a brawl?” he stuttered, clearly surprised. “Not possible. Check your sources. It sounds like fake news to me.”

At these dangerous words, the police were called. Corbyn was dragged off to a correctional facility, where he will be forced to say “Brexit Means Brexit” over and over again until he means it.

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Jacob’s new hit single creates social media storm

Jacob Rees-Mogg was involved in a fracas with a crowd at the West of England Theatre, Bristol, yesterday.

“I now realise what the Beatles had to go through and why they needed personal security,” gasped Jacob.

This all came about due to his new hit single “Food, Clothing and Footwear”.

The Brexiteer’s new single has been climbing steadily through the BBC hit single charts.

“It’s a catchy little number,” hinted Jacob, “and I do like the way I persuaded Lord Adonis to come in on the chorus with ‘Brexit, poorer and homeless’. It adds a little piquance to my ditty”.

“I never realised the crowd would be physically pushing me to get hold of the CD.

“I am truly shocked!

“For the larger venues I will be keeping my large lapel suits and my top hat, (with the addition of some glitter). If it’s good enough for Noddy Holder of Slade it’s good enough for me”, said Jacob.

We asked Bob Geldof for his view but he just mumbled ‘no comment’.