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Trump orders all US schools to remove scary stairs so he can run in fearlessly

“So long, and I want to make this absolutely clear, so long as there’s no stairs, I would run in unarmed to a school shooting,” all round superhero and good guy, President Donald Drumpf, reassured an anxious country today, in the wake of the latest high school massacre.

”I’m faster than that Bolt guy on the flat, did you know that? A lot of people don’t know that. It’s because I trained him. I taught him everything he knows. He was an ambler when I met him.”

While some have reacted with skepticism, saying the President’s words were just idle boasting, many will be ressured by the order to remove stairs to make Trump running possible to begin with.

”They need to increase accessibility at schools,” He added, “I’ll be signing what is probably my most important executive order later today ordering the immediate levelling of schools, and this is vital, the creation of a place to park my golf cart inside gymnasiums, just in case there’s no time to run.”

The NRA was first to appalaud Trump’s words, as it means they can continue to profit off the mass murder of the country’s children under the fantastical notion that millions of high powered rifles designed to kill people as rapidly as possible make a country safer when someone like Trump has the nukes.

”Of course the SWAT team and the clean up crews would have to go in first,” Donald Trump qualified, “But I’d definitely run in, no more than two or three days after.

I do so much tweeting, just so much, I need to charge my phone rapidly, no more so than after a school shooting.

Have you seen me run around when I can’t find my charger? It’s something to see folks, you should watch sometime.”

Now at least Americans can feel safer.

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Cross-party Brexit committee recommends that the symbol of Brexit should be a unicorn

An announcement was made today that the symbol, mascot and emblem of Brexit shall be a unicorn. Members from across the Brexit spectrum, or “Brextrum”, hailed the decision as a momentous breakthrough.

LCD’s Mythical Beasts correspondent spoke to committee member Izzy Teck.

“This is the greatest breakthrough since the announcement of blue passports!” she boasted. “Unicorns will form the basis of all our marketing, publicity and policy-making.”

Ms Teck disclosed that the decision had been unanimous, with 52% voting in favour and 48% against. The committee has spoken, and the will of the committee shall be carried out regardless.

“In the name of unity, committee members were drawn from all major parties,” Ms Teck continued. “Conservatives, DUP, and Nigel Farage. Oh, and a random Labour chappie to fulfil some positive discrimination bollocks.”

Surely, though, other suitable candidates for the symbol of Brexit were discussed?

“Well, yes, we had to consider all options,” mused Ms Teck. “Dragons were rejected as being too Welsh, leprechauns too Irish, and Nessie too Scottish. We had to find a British beast.”

Surprisingly, the chimera was also rejected. An unlikely mish-mash of a creature representing implausibility, its appearance is an omen of natural disaster.

“The description ‘natural’ disaster was the reason,” stated Ms Teck. “Brexit is a wholly artificial disaster.”

So, the unicorn, beloved of teenage girls and other fantasists, was chosen.

“Who doesn’t love a unicorn? They are hard and yet soft, strong and stable-dwelling, have magical properties, and are completely fictitious,” she said, counting off the points on her fingers. “A perfect Brexit emblem!”

We await St George, riding upon a unicorn, to utterly defeat Johnny Foreigner and get our country back.

It only remains for a moaning remoaner to point out that the unicorn is in fact a heraldic emblem of Scotland. Scotland, which is considering secession from the UK in order to remain part of the EU. But why let facts get in the way of a good story?

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Westminster village residents to hold fudge fights on ice as polar vortex bites

Great news for visitors from Europe to London, and outside of the capital, with the announcement that Westminster village idiots, we mean residents, are holding a week long “Brexit Fudge Fights On Ice” festival.

The impromptu celebration is to make best use of the polar vortex gripping the United Kingdom.

LCD Views sent its political sports correspondent along to experience the first day of the action as the Thames ices up.

“I’m standing here in sight of Big Ben, who does not appear to be looking at me, watching as the stalls and bandstands are set up on the slowly freezing Thames, alongside Westminster Palace,” Rosie Searchlight reported,

“I’ve have my skates on and I have a sense of wonder as I watch the teams from numerous political parties carry their fudge pucks out onto the ice, so they can engage in the new ritual of Brexit fudge fighting.”

It’s uncertain who is currently favourite to win the inaugural title of “Fudgebergers” for 2018, but the field is certainly competitive.

”The Conservafudgers have been the early table leaders, having overtaken the UKIPfukkers by way of an aggressive player and policy transfer strategy the moment the league turned professional.

But lately the Corbybergers have made running up the table with very clever use of the definite and indefinite article.”

It’s believed this strategy is either a genius new play that will have the opposition so baffled they will either have to reverse their previous winning game plan of ‘set fire to it all and watch it burn laughing’, or potentially find themselves in the relegation zone before the end of the season.

“Other potential problems for the Conservafudgers are rumours their owners, DUP.inc are considering cutting their losses, out of a concern that the new owners of the SFudgers may demand entry to the Brexit Fudge Fights.

The new managers of SFudgers can probably sell it to the local clubs that make up their league, across the Irish Sea, that it’s worth for a time, just to see the look on the faces of the other teams in the league. But people better versed in Irish leagues should be consulted before anyone places a large wager on that.”

This action on the ice will certainly warm up the hands and faces of the spectators gathered to watch.

“The only note of caution is to be sure you don’t get any of any team’s fudge puck in your mouth. Definitely don’t swallow if you do. Wash your mouth out immediately.

The Thames may have been cleaned up in recent years, but the pucks are composed of a recipe involving apple pie aspiration, nationalism, insanity and just, well, shit due to the fact that whoever tops the table at the end of the season will have to accept whatever cup the largest trade bloc on Earth decides to present it.”

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Conservatives expected to follow up paying people to tweet for them with paying people to vote for them too

“Paying people to tweet for the Conservative party is expected to be followed by paying people to vote for them soon,” LCD’s exhausted politics analyst revealed today, after a lunch meeting with head of Conservative digital strategies, Ben Bradley MP.

“It’s just a natural progression of allowing lobbyists and big business folk to pay to spend time with the prime minister,” our analyst continues, “and paying people to retweet for them? If you don’t have enough activists to obsesses about you on Twitter, you’re pretty stuffed, if the Russian porn girl spam bots aren’t prepared to put their tattooed shoulders to the wheel.”

The changes are welcome for the ageing membership of the Tory party, which is physically dying away at a rate that is alarming the party, and aren’t best known for spending 24/7 on Twitter or Facebook.

“It’s actually now an own goal to be slowly roasting the NHS to a hardened bean to be ground up and drunk like an espresso by private US healthcare firms,” Ben told our man, “if only we’d thought about it, we would have invested more into cryogenics.”

Once the retweeting army is settled in to their working hours of 9am to 5pm each day, the party is expected to move to the next stage of buying votes.

“The usual way is to offer some nonsense by the chancellor just before a ballot, like free kittens for people who only have aggressive dogs, but we’re going to go one step better and bring back the tradition of the ‘rotten borough’ by setting up new digital constituencies that only registered Conservative Party members and paid voters are able to cast a ballot in.”

LCD Views approves of the bold steps the Conservative Party is taking to revitalise the flagging institutions of democracy in the United Kingdom.

“This really is an exciting change that will build on years of doing exactly what Rupert Murdoch has told us to.”

Quite.

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Facebook’s current algorithm to tell you one week from now it snowed at your friend’s place this morning

Social media giant, Facebook, is to hit back against criticisms of its latest algorithm change by designing a new one that fosters the sense of leafing through old magazines at the GP’s and finding your mum’s old shopping list inside. But with the added advantage of learning what the weather was at your friend’s last week, when the algorithm finally delivers a non-sponsored post.

“It’s going to really help embed the sense that being a publisher on Facebook, who is reactive to the news cycle, is just a waste of time,” head of creative engineering and speed dating, B Umble told LCD Views.

“Any suggestion that these algorithm changes are solely designed to squeeze publishers to pay money to actually have someone following your page read an article, well, that’s not something I’m willing to speculate on. Not with the added bonus of out of date weather reports.”

The social media platform is facing growing challenges from rivals in the digital world and from some of its own decisions.

“We are sure we can boost retention of younger users, and older people, by making sure no one gets any news that isn’t a week old, through our site. This will really foster a sense of traditional communities, pre-electricity, when it took days for information to travel around a region.”

The addition of the feel of old magazines stacked up at a GP’s is an interesting aim too?

“It’s to make you feel like you’re really having me-time. Also, you may have forgotten what Catherine Zeta-Jones looked like, pre marrying into the Douglas film dynasty. We can help you with that.”

But how are you going to recreate authentically the surprise of finding one of your mum’s old shopping lists?

“Well, we’re not going to show you anything but sponsored ads paid for by publishers terrified at the python like strangulation of their pages by our new algorithm, so if you actually get a post written by someone you care about, it’ll be all the more special.”

To cement the exciting changes Facebook is to boost its party planning function so young people feel properly invested.

“We’re making positive changes to the way young people use Facebook to catch up on each other’s news and plan parties,” B Umble added, “now, you won’t find out about that party you missed when you were eighteen, while you’re still eighteen, you’ll find out when you’re thirty one. That way it won’t be so annoying and you won’t be upset by not dressing correctly for the weather.”

 

 

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Deputy PM Corbyn to intervene to quell concerns coalition government is making a dog’s breakfast of Brexit

Deputy prime minister Jeremy Corbyn, MP for East Ideology and Islongintooth, is to intervene today to quell growing concerns over his coalition government’s handling of Brexit.

It’s believed the senior partner in the coalition, prime minister Theresa May, will follow up her subordinate’s speech on Friday, once they’ve had time to manufacture new cake and eat it bullshit to compensate where her deputy’s speech falls flat.

”We’ve succeeded in pulling the wool over the electorate’s eyes so far,” media guru P Mason told LCD Views, “we hope to reach the cliff edge and hurl the entire country off into a bit of good old fashioned socialism mixed with nationalism in a disaster capitalism cup before they cotton on.”

Accusations that the coalition government has too much on its plate, what with crumbling infrastructure and lengthy food bank queues to even attempt seismic change to the economy and Little Britain’s place in the world, were dismissed by Mason.

”Now, I maybe high as a kite on uncut ideology sunshine,” Mr Mason retorted, “but I will not have it that we’ve too much on our plate and not enough time to eat it.”

But what of the claim that both the PM and her deputy are spoon feeding a dog’s dinner to the public?

“The remoaners will be forced to eat humble pie in the due course of events.

Mostly because there won’t be anything else to eat once you’ve fought the stray dogs and cats to take home the fresh kill fox carcass from the side of the road. But I can reassure you food supplies in the Houses of Parliament will remain consistent, no matter how hard will jointly shaft the country.”

Any suggestion that this has been longer in the planning than anyone suspects were also dismissed.

”Just because several of the senior party figures from both sides of the coalition were firm friends in the days of being parliamentary rebels together in no way means there maybe a lot more coordination than suspected. That’s tin foil visor stuff.”

Thats good to know, the country will need wise leadership once Donald Trump begins his currency and trade war in earnest against the Chinese, crashes western economies as a result, all while we’re making a success of Brexit.

”It’s going to be a red, white and blue Brexit,” Mason added, “but we’re better at sectarian infighting than our coalition partners, so if we time our long game big play just right, it will really just be a red, red and red Lexit.”

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Scientists to drill into earth’s mantle in the hope of finding a new source of integrity for British politics

Exciting news for lovers of creating volcanoes today with the announcement that scientists are to drill into the earth’s mantle in the hope of finding a new source of integrity for British politics.

The work is scheduled to begin within the week in the centre of Westminster Green. We spoke to the head driller to learn more.

“With Big Ben being silenced currently it’s the perfect time to drill miles beneath the skin of the Earth and right into its molten heart,” D Riller, lead engineer, stated,

“we expect it will take about a week to get down as we’ll be using a replica of Michael Gove’s conscience as a drill head, and there’s absolutely nothing that can break or scratch that, it’s possibly the hardest substance known to mankind. Which is a bit weird, as its mostly empty atoms.”

It’s believed the potential benefits are many.

“We may find Lord Lucan. It’s highly possible that’s where he’s been hiding. Also the Brexit impact assessments in full. Theresa May’s ability to decide on a course of action that is feasible and stick to it. A source of cheap heat to replace the more dangerous hot air currently used to warm the houses of parliament.”

But what about the big prize?

“And then, there’s the chance we may just find an untapped well of integrity that we can use in British politics, which is largely lacking anything resembling it at the moment.”

But won’t there be resistance to returning integrity to politics in the UK, if it is found miles beneath the surface of the Earth?

“That’s why we’re going to attempt to create a small, just a small, manmade volcano at the same time. No chance the majority of serving politicians will stick about if there’s the slightest chance of a personal setback. We’ll be able to take that integrity and plug it into the mainstream.”

And what will it look like?

“About a hundred Ken Clarkes. A smattering of Anna Soubry’s and a couple of hundred Femi Oluwoles. Some Peter Kyles, and well, just a bunch of MPs prepared to vote against their parties on Brexit.”

Why the Femi’s?

“Because he’s a sign of the changing guard in British politics. The old hacks are mostly running around on pre-digital media patterns. The activists in their 20’s are going to tear that lot down over the next couple of years or two. With any luck.”

No Jeremy Corbyn’s?

“You’ve got to be having a laugh. He’s a Brexiter.”

Good luck with the work. It’s fair to say the country needs you to succeed in tapping a giant well of integrity, however deep you have to drill.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar – to change a lightbulb

We’ve all seen some ridiculous expenditures as a result of outsourcing, but I think I’ve just witnessed the one to end them all.

I was on my lunch break, having a drink in the Doctor, Doctor public house, when I heard a loud voice at the door shout out, “Knock, knock!”

The barman clearly knew who it was, for he grinned, walked up to the door, and answered, “Who’s there?”

The disembodied voice answered, “An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.”

The barman chuckled, and braced himself, as he asked, “An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman who?”

“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman who are here to change your lightbulb!”

At this, the barman opened the door and in walked a very bizarre trio. The speaker first in a Savile Row suit and a bowler hat, carrying a stepladder, followed by a man in full highland dress carrying a box of lightbulbs, and finally a man dressed all in green with a shamrock hat on, carrying a live chicken.

“It takes three of you to change one lightbulb?” the barman asked.

“Yes,” replied the Englishman, Will Fixham. “Sean and I keep the ladder secure, while Jock here goes up and does the business.”

He pointed to his kilted colleague Mr Strap, who held up his lightbulbs.

I was intrigued by the proceedings, and followed them as they made their way to where the faulty bulb was. As Mr Fixham set the ladder down, Irishman Sean O’Worries asked me to hold the chicken for him while he and his friend held the ladder down.

Once they were both in position, the Scotsman ascended the ladder with kilt flowing. I refrained from looking up, but noticed a couple of ladies picking that moment to pass by and casually glance up just as they neared the ladder. I said nothing.

“That’s why I’m the one who goes up the ladder,” Mr Strap explained once he came down. “Just to test the ladies’ curiosity.”

I nodded in understanding. But there was one thing that puzzled me. Why did they need a live chicken? I asked as I handed it back. Were they going to have it for their lunch?

“No, no,” said Sean O’Worries as he took the bird from me. “This little lady is the one who leads us across the road when it’s busy.”

So now we know why the chicken crossed the road. To lead the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman into the bar, the Doctor, Doctor, just so we could see why it took three of them to change a lightbulb.

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Downing Street rocked by discovery EU officials can understand Brexit announcements made in English

Downing Street has been rocked today by the discovery EU officials can understand Brexit announcements made in English.

”Theresa May has requested the Cobra committee summoned to an emergency meeting at Downing Street,” Ben Bradley MP, head of Cobra told LCD Views.

”I was going to anyway, because after exposing Jeremy Corbyn as a spy chief the other day, I thought it’s time to set the ball rolling on the John McDonnell Soviet era Soviet hedge fund scandal, so I guess we’ll have more than one thing on the agenda.”

It’s believed the group have assembled at Downing Street, but have yet to discuss how to react to the alarming ramifications for the Brexit policy agenda.

”We’re waiting for the prime minister to get out of the toilet,” Ben explained, “this shock has set her bowels right off, I don’t mind telling you via twitter.”

Quite how the government will react to this ghastly surprise is anyone’s guess.

”I think we should hide for a while,” Ben Bradley MP advised, “we can lay low for a few days and then release about three hundred tweets in foreign  languages to confound the EU. French. German. Spanish. Italian. Finnish. They’ll be stumped if they only know English.”

Other suggestions are to use the discovery to our advantage in the unravelling negotiations.

”We can weaponise this,” Boris Johnson chimed in, “We can start shouting in RP. Just to make sure they really get the message now we’re aware the fumblestanglers have been swotting up on the mother tongue.”

At least we can be sure of getting answers that way.

”I think Jamie Oliver should take over,” Ben Bradley MP added, “punish him for being a remoaner. And, and this is the key bit of my strategy. He doesn’t have a twitter account and he only speaks in mockney.

There is not a snowflake’s chance Barnier and Tusk will cotton on to our porky pies if they’re served up with some lubbly jubbly.”

Good work Ben, let us know how Cobra gets on today, allegedly democracy needs libel and lies, oh, and retractions of libel and lies.

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Nigel Farage to be deported to France after Brexit unless he changes his surname to Smith or Jones

As the Brexit negotiations continue to get ever more farcical, one new consequence has come to light, concerning the deportation of certain individuals with non-British names, including, ironically, part-time UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

Home Office spokeswoman Dee Portham had this to say on the matter:

“After Brexit goes ahead, we will be deporting certain individuals whose names are a bit foreign sounding, including Mr Farage, whose name is French.”

When asked for comment, Mr Farage spent an entire episode of Question Time calling it an outrage, peppering his descriptions with several choice words that it’s best not to repeat in polite conversation. We spoke to him after he’d calmed down a bit (but not a lot), and he said:

“It’s an outrage. It’s totally and utterly ridiculous. Deport me because my name isn’t British? Why, Nigel is as British as roast beef and football hooliganism!”

Unfortunately for him, his surname comes from the Huguenots of old France. That’s what the fuss is about.

“That’s ridiculous. Throw me out because of that? That was centuries ago! Why should I have to suffer for that? I can’t go and live in France, it’s full of foreign Johnnies.”

Well, foreign Jeannies in this case, but I wasn’t going to quibble.

The French government have also responded to this, with an official from the Ministry for the Interior, Didier Ever, making the statement:

“The people of France have no desire to grant residence to such a man as that. We do not want him getting too amicable with Marine Le Pen and breeding a new race of bigots.”

Mrs Portham has offered him a way to remain in the UK.

“He can always change his surname by deed poll to something more British sounding. He could change it to Farridge if he wants to keep the essence of his original name. Or he could change it to Smith or Jones or anything he chooses.”

Mr Farage was less than thrilled at the prospect.

“Change my surname? Are you joking? Why should I have to do that?”

As the only other way to avoid this would be to cancel Brexit, it looks like Mr Farage – or potentially Mr Farridge – has quite a decision to make.