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Brexit phone app cures digital addiction by immediately turning smart phone into dumb phone

The addiction plagued people of Brexit Britain were given further reason to rejoice today as the new Brexit phone app, released today by Brexit Industries, was found to instantly cure digital addictions.

We spoke to head developer, Richard Head, to learn more about this exciting technological breakthrough.

“We didn’t design it to cure digital addictions,” Dr Head advised, “it’s actually an accident. Although with roaming charges set to return for UK citizens post Brexit, it’s probably good and timely.”

So what did you set out to do?

“We wanted to make it easier for our vast army of social media warriors to quickly respond to Brexit saboteurs online,” Dr Head said, “we figured if we gathered up all the stock responses to reasoned criticism of the Brexit strategy (using the word strategy loosely), then they could engage the app and let it do the arguing online for them. It’s a time saver, essentially.”

You mean turn every Brexiter with a smart phone into a Brexit bot?

“Yes. The Kremlin ones keep getting shut down. But if “you lost, get over it” and “I won, I can’t get over it” etc are coming off the verified phones of actual people, then that’s a nice work around.”

So the Brexit phone app is a bit like viagra? Developed initially for another purpose, but now found to have a real win-win value elsewhere?

“We’re not sure.”

Why’s that?

“Well, as it instantly turns any smart phone into a dumb phone, no one can get online to tell us how their digital addiction cure is actually working out.”

That’s evidence itself, surely?

“It is very Brexit. Lack of evidence taken as irrefutable proof. And completely self defeating. We are quite proud of ourselves.”

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Fire service called to chocolate factory after woman judged bad egg falls into garbage chute

The fire service have reportedly been called to a chocolate factory this afternoon after a woman judged a bad egg fell into a garbage chute.

”She didn’t fall,” Charlie Bouquet, also on the tour told LCD Views, “she made this big song and dance about making the chocolate factory strong and united, which was odd, as all she did on the tour was read things, then she jumped up onto a set of scales used for judging the quality of eggs.”

Apparently the scales didn’t judge her kindly?

”They judged her accurately so far as I can tell. It was a lot nicer once she was dropped into the garbage chute.”

What was the attitude of the factory owner?

”He was funny,” Charlie said, “he saw her about to get onto the scales and he said ‘no, stop, be careful, please don’t’, but he said it quietly. It was almost like he expected her to end up in the chute at some stage of the tour.”

Were the other group members concerned?

”No. They all seemed out for themselves, if you ask me. After the woman went there was only me and little Liam Teevee left. He kept banging on about getting more golden air miles. He was irritating.”

What happened to him?

”He was magically transported through the air and diminished in size. He was very far away from the action by the end.”

The fire service was asked for a progress report on how the search was going.

”Please. We’re, trying, really…hard to locate her,” was the statement, but they didn’t sound like they were really trying to find her at all.

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Pope under pressure after saying the resurrection was technically the second coming

Pope Francis is under pressure to stand down today after saying in an interview to ‘Papal Bull’ quarterly that the resurrection was technically the second coming of Jesus.

”It’s just basic math,” the pontif pontificated, “Jesus was born after he made his mother pregnant with himself in a part of the story we prefer not to dwell on too much.

After that he ruined the business for vintners in his local area with a water to wine miracle.

He did some solid social democrat work.

He died, executed in the horrifying fashion of so many thousands of political activists under the Romans.

That was the end of the first coming. Everyone agrees. He was dead. He was buried. That’s a bit of a bookmark event.”

But surely, given that the resurrection was only a long weekend away, it still counts as part of the first coming?

”It’s too much of a fudge, ain’t it? No, the resurrection is technically his second coming.”

So what’s everyone waiting for?

”A third coming. Two thousand years now. You would have thought a man of his age could have managed it by now.”

When do you expect it to happen?

”Good question,” the Pope replied, “given the treatment he received the first time around I wouldn’t be rushing back. Would you?”

The second time ended okay.

”Yes. He learned to fly. Probably a good place to leave it. A happy ending.”

Do you intend to issue a decree pointing out the technical challenge to the accepted scripture?

”Mate, I just abolished Hell, I think I can manage a small adjustment to the maths concerning how many times Jesus has come to Earth, don’t you?”

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Brexit Easter Egg kits withdrawn from sale after the Brexit rabbit refused to lay

The United Kingdom is bereft and confused today as the foolproof Brexit Easter Egg kits were withdrawn from sale, after the rabbit included in each kit refused to lay the promised chocolate flavoured sovereignty eggs.

“We were traumatised,” Mr K Ipper of Juniper Lane, Independence Street, told LCD Views, “we bought a kit from a posh man with a suitcase full on the high road after he told us they were certain to lay Easter eggs. Nothing. Just a lot of rabbit poo on the carpet and some chewed furnishings.”

Mr Ipper wasn’t alone in his disappointment. We spoke to our consumer affairs correspondent to learn more.

“Over seventeen million Britons are reported to have purchased a Brexit Easter Egg kit on the promise that the rabbits inside were better than unicorns for this time of year and would lay chocolate, and maybe even gold eggs.

Nothing has been delivered as promised, in spite of reports of the rabbits straining really hard on a diet of complete and pure bullshit.”

What have the rabbits produced then?

“The promise of jam mostly. Which also makes little sense. The rabbits are pretty much a four legged wrecking ball. People who take them into the home report large, gaping holes appearing in the walls and the rabbits still expecting to be let out into the yard whenever they like.”

I presume unsatisfied customers are eating or returning the rabbits before more harm is done?

“Some are. But interestingly a sizeable percentage of the hoodwinked consumers are still watching their rabbit waiting for it to poop out an egg, or curiously blaming people who just went to the supermarket and purchased an actual chocolate Easter egg.

It’s like the people who bought the rabbits haven’t done the most basic of research. But that can’t be right, as that would make them credulous and self defeatingly stubborn by now.”

How are the manufacturers of the Brexit Easter Egg kits planning to compensate unhappy customers?

“They’re calling them traitors.”

That’s a good first step. And after that?

“Oh, they’ll be too busy counting the money they made selling the bogus Easter Egg kits to worry about that. I expect they’ll take a holiday somewhere tropical and come back in a few years time.”`

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‘Brexit Guide to Chess’ withdrawn after discovery every strategy puts player using it in checkmate

The new “Brexit Guide to Chess” has been withdrawn from sale after the discovery that every strategy on offer immediately puts a player deploying it into checkmate.

”Let’s get one thing straight first,” author of the guide, Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, “It’s not a book, it’s more a pamphlet, as I don’t know much about chess.”

You’re still an expert though?

”I am if I self-identify as one.”

You self-identify as an expert on a lot of subjects, why not chess?

”My thoughts precisely. You wait until my book on brain surgery during space flight comes out.”

Let’s deal with the chess guide first. What’s gone wrong?

”Total lack of patriotic spirit amongst British youth. This book is aimed at the Tory youth market. Naturally I expected to sell millions of hard copies.”

But isn’t the problem with the book the lack of actual strategies contained?

For example, you’ve replaced the famous ‘four pawns gambit’ with cut out vouchers for prawns from a seafood wholesaler owned by your second cousin.

”Do you have a seafood allergy? What’s the problem?”

It’s not much use in a game of chess.

“It is if I refuse to acknowledge reality and believe it is. Are you a secret remoaner?”

What about the ‘Calabrian Countergambit?’

”What’s that? This isn’t Radio 4, is it? You’re not as sympathetic as you’re supposed to be.”

The ‘Calabrian Countergambit’ is one of the most famous chess strategies! You’ve written the title and then instructed people to buy a horse from your wife’s ex-flatmate’s stable.

”I don’t see what the problem is. You can be an actual knight with a real horse! You can make a serious impression on any game.”

Iain Duncan Smith, you have here on page one that all pawns should be sacrificed at the start of the game. That they should be viewed as the feckless, layabout, curtain twitching undeserving poor who will only be motivated to do a proper day’s work by increasingly arbitrary and soul crushing sanctions.

”It worked for reforming welfare.”

Iain Duncan Smith I put it to to you that you are a leech who survives on patronage and should not be allowed near public policy making.

”Oh my God. You’ve completely nailed John Humphrys back when he gave a shit and wasn’t just phoning it in before lunch with a Tory chum daily.”

Thank you for your time.

”Thank you too,” Iain replied, “Did you like how I replaced the ‘Bird’s Opening’ with a short story I wrote imagining me as a Dambuster? That’s my personal favourite.”

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Record numbers of homeless begin to set up pavement shrines to man’s portrait

Britain’s loyal army of homeless citizens are overjoyed with the new portrait of Iain Duncan Smith. They are coordinating a campaign to have a shrine set up in every town.

The Foodbankers, as they wish to be known, believe this to be their positive contribution to Brexit. Every pedestrianised shopping centre will have a shrine.

“Each shrine will have similar construction,” claimed coordinator Doggone String. “A base of empty tins of processed peas past their sell-by date. On top, an altar of fried chicken cartons. Finally, a photo of the portrait of IDS torn from the Metro. All weighed down with the foreign coins the public throw at us to be funny.”

String mentioned that he was attempting to have the shrines registered as places of worship. This has a dual purpose. It prevents councils from clearing then away, and gives the scroungers the right to hang about legitimately in a nice warm, dry shopping centre.

Local councillor Tori Privilege was curiously supportive. “It gives these wasters a purpose,” she preached. “They show true British enterprise. We will close the food banks to encourage their transition. Hunger is a great motivator!”

Irritable Duncan Syndrome was feeling very smug, just for a change. “I am delighted to have become so popular!” he slimed. “I am thinking of writing to the Pope to request immediate canonisation.”

The patron saint of bald ambition couldn’t resist a tacky Brexit comment. “The Foodbankers are growing in number, which is a credit to the spirit of the British people,” he oozed. “Looking after one’s community is a clear Brexit dividend!”

IDS explained that he was due to speak to a rally of about 5000 of his loyal fans. He intends to show generosity by taking two tins of sardines and five pitta breads. “That should be more than enough to feed them!” he squelched.

Give a man the Spirit of the British people, and he will never hunger again.

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Labour Party launch new helpline to tell voters whatever they want to hear on Brexit

The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.

”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”

It’s felt the move is being made ahead of EU election crunch time just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with matters in Corbyn’s constituency.

”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”

But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?

You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?

“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”

Yes.

”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”

That’s the one.

”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”

This is great. I’m calling today.

”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”

You could have government by acting like an official opposition?

”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”

What’s three?

”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”

Thats not allowed?

”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”

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“We got are country back” to be printed on cover of new blue passports

Potatriots are rejoicing over the design of the new blue, potatriotic passports today with the confirmation that the famous British phrase “We got are country back” is to be printed on the front.

“It’s so everyone around the world knows what Brexit means to natural English  speakers when we visit,” Amber Rudd MP, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ travel correspondent,

“well, if we visit. After Brexit the only Brits who will likely be able to afford to go anywhere will be the ones rich enough to purchase an EU27 burgundy passport of course. And senior politicians, like the party leaders pushing it forward.”

Why that phrase in particular though?

“The phrase was chosen as it best symbolises what Brexit means for the people who want it. And importantly, for the people who don’t.”

Yes. What about the people who don’t want to lose decades of accrued rights?

What about the people who think its an outrage you intend to strip away their right to travel freely across an entire continent?

“Do you mind if I ignore that question? Those people don’t really exist anymore. Even if they’re members of Labour.”

Carry on.

“Thanks. We had a bit of difficulty settling on the spelling,” Amber illuminated, “some thought country should be spelt cuntry, but that seemed a little low brow to my mind. Also there was a strong case for spelling back without the c, but I want people to focus on the ‘are’ personally.”

And we’ve heard there are other special features?

“Yes indeed! The cover is to be made from a material that combusts when deprived of oxygen.”

Why is that?

“It’s to stop traitors putting the British blue into burgundy wallets. If they do, they’ll catch fire. In fact any prolonged pressure on the surface will cause it to combust.”

But doesn’t that mean you won’t be able to hold them in immigration queues?

“We hadn’t thought of that.”

Doesn’t it also mean you won’t even be able to ship them?

“Because they’ll catch on fire in the shipping containers?”

Exactly.

“This is why we need to leave the EU. All these overbearing rules and regulations to do with what is and what is not supposed to catch on fire. Minimum rights and all that guff. You’ve just underlined our entire manifesto.”

I don’t see how. I’ve pointed out that there’s a risk ten mile long truck tailbacks at Dover could start burning when we leave the customs union.

“You realise this passport colour change is costing half a billion quid? And that’s just for starters?”

It sounds like money very well spent, if it means we get are country back.

“Oh, it’s just a down payment. You wait until you see how much the commemorative stamps are going to cost. Not to mention the loss of huge pieces of our service sector as a result of leaving the single market.”

I dread to think.

“Ah, now you’re getting in the swing of it. That’s how I get through every waking day now.”

Amber Rudd, thank you for your time.

“Thank you. Now watch me as I deport another academic.”

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Labour Party launch new helpline to tell voters whatever they want to hear on Brexit

The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.

”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”

It’s felt the move is being made ahead of the local elections just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with local council matters.

”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”

But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?

You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?

“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”

Yes.

”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”

That’s the one.

”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”

This is great. I’m calling today.

”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”

You could have government by acting like an official opposition?

”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”

What’s three?

”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”

Thats not allowed?

”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”

 

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Source of new outbreak of Mad Cow Disease identified

The outbreak of Mad Cow Disease, on a farm in Bangor, County Down, had been traced to the presence of an infective agent. Sources close to the Prime Minister describe the timing of the outbreak, which occurred during her visit, as ‘coincidental’.

The disease causes progressive degeneration of the brain, and affects the movement of an affected animal. We spoke to Buttercup, one of the infected cows.

“I was fine yesterday morning,” she mooed. “Then this woman came to talk to a bunch of journalists for some reason. I could smell the poison, but I put it down to Daisy having a dicky tummy again. Next thing I know, I couldn’t stand up!”

How long was the woman in your cowshed, we asked.

“About five minutes or so,” lowed Buttercup. “Or not. I’m a cow, I can’t tell the time.”

What happens now?

“We are going to be burned,” she said, mournfully. “About time too. I am fed up of being a cash-cow for Farmer O’Reilly, or whatever his name is. I have a right beef with him. He is just milking me dry!”

This emergency measure should prevent the spread of the disease. Nobody wants a repeat of the disgraceful scandal of 1990, in which Agriculture Minister John Gummer tried to infect his daughter with British beef. The girl sensibly refused.

Gummer’s present-day successor, Michael Gove, was asked if he would repeat the stunt to reassure today’s public. “Of course! I’ve eaten British beef all my life,” he slobbered, eyes rolling uncontrollably. “And it has had no ill effects upon me or any member of my family!” He staggered off with a most unusual gait.

Government medics confirmed that Theresa May herself is clear of the disease. “She has been examined most thoroughly, and all traces of disease repaired,” confirmed a spokesdoctor. “The procedure left her slightly robotic, but you wouldn’t ever notice it!”

An independent doctor pointed at the unregulated mess-hall at the House of Commons. “That was contracted out under Thatcher,” claimed Dr Jakob Creutzfeldt. “Ever since the Eighties, all kinds of dodgy meats have been served up. Since then, Mad Cow Disease has been endemic in the House.”

Our elected representatives, suffering from a progressive degeneration of the brain? You couldn’t make it up.