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Ministry of Excuses expects to be the busiest in Westminster

The government was back in fighting form today with the announcement that two billion pounds will be spent by Saturday to set up a shiny new Ministry of Excuses and Whataboutery.

”It’s a matter of urgency,” Tory Patsy MP, who no one has ever heard of before, told LCD Views, “and I am honoured to accept the position of Secretary of State for Excuses. My work will focus predominately on the decisions made by our current prime minister when she was home office minister 2010-2016.”

The Ministry is expected to poach civil servants from across Whitehall initially, before hiring thousands from an agency in which the prime minister’s undeclared second cousin’s former dogwalker’s husband is rumoured to have a share in. This is only alleged, as the company is registered in a tax haven no one can be certain.

”I think tomorrow I’ll just stand outside the entry to DExEU, as a starter,” Tory Patsy revealed, “as a quarter of their staff quit each day, fed up with making excuses for why David Davis is in the Commons bar and not reading his briefs. They’re experts.”

We understand the order to establish the Ministry of Excuses says it will answer directly to 10 Downing Street too?

“The prime minister is pretty pushed trying to arrange the omnishambles of Brexit, she’s not going to get that bungled good and proper to enrich antiques like Rees-mogg and chums if she’s taken up full time apologising for decisions made by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 to 2016.”

We understand that whataboutery will be under your remit too?

”Yes, if excuses fail then you need to tar your opposition with the same brush as rapidly as possible. It’s a key to good governance.”

Tory Patsy MP thank you for your time today. By the way, are you aware your fly is undone?

”And you’ve got some tomato sauce on your tie, which to be frank is just as disturbing.”

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Tube carriage declared hostile environment after gatekeeper and key master meet

BREAKING NEWS from central London this morning after an underground carriage was declared a hostile environment after the gatekeeper and key master met.

Commuters are being warned to keep well back until a team of specialist ‘idiot separaters’ can track down the travelling encounter and put a stop to it.

”The encounter is deeply worrying,” said everyone watching, nearby, living in the country the union is occurring in, or watching from abroad, except collectors of certain WW2 memorabilia,

“when you think of the innate dislike for ‘others’ in the marrow of both supernaturally charged idiots, the result of a union between them is anyone’s guess.

Throw in the almost magical power of imperial nostalgia they’ve been cursed with. It’s as nauseating as it is scary. It’s likely they’ll release malignant forces that most thought under control.”

It’s thought the duo, who together compromise the force of ageing and blinkered little englanders on one side and actual government on the other, are hoping to cast the country under a rule of darkness.

Fears mostly centre on what might happen to public policy.

”It will be very bad to anyone who is incapable of remembering that the empire was a thing people tried to free themselves from and eventually did,” said anyone who paid the slightest attention,

“Then it will be bad for everyone else, as they’ll seek to reduce the status of one group after another.”

Vans are expected to begin appearing on the streets, driven by servants of darkness, to signal what is expected of people.

”Mostly that anyone not born in the gatekeeper’s village F off back to where they came from.

The churning hatred inside the pair will make that easier by burning important records giving them legitimacy on immigration rules. Then they’ll change the rules and demand those bits of paper or tell people to live in fear and uncertainty interminably.”

Devious. Like a cruel spell.

”It’s going to be a bit of a ride. When nasty, blinkered people get great power, it tends to turn everything to shit.

And when you think the ultimate master of the gatekeeper and the key master is tax havens and asset burning hard right ideologies. It’s a scary vision of the future.”

So are they planning a ceremony?

”Oh, the portal to enteral darkness is already open, we’re only now really seeing what’s coming out of it. It’s not nice. And given how fanatically evil it is, it’s also curiously incompetent.”

While the situation unfolds people are encouraged to avoid the vicinity of the two, just until we can work out what the hell is going on.

”Whatever you do don’t open your fridge door on your own until the power of nasty, inward focused sentimentality and government can be separated and consigned to the history bin like a too long ignored pre-bagged salad.”

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Windrush scandal forces crack team back to drawing board for how to deport 3M people after Brexit

The Windrush scandal, smouldering under the surface for years and now fully ablaze in Westminster, has forced a crack team of taxpayer funded policy makers back to the drawing board for the answer to how to deport three million people after Brexit.

”Clearly we have classes of people in the United Kingdom that are undesirables,” chief policy maker Theresa May told LCD Views, “and those are retired and not white, although in time they will be retired and white too.”

It seems the settled method since some mysterious woman, yet to be identified, became Home Office Secretary was to make life as miserable as possible.

”I can’t say at the moment how the human hating policies were dreamt up,” Theresa said, “that person must be certifiable!”

Although she could see why.

”Clearly a method for dealing with such people who have abruptly stopped contributing to society after decades is to get rid of them. Actually anyone who doesn’t read the Express and wasn’t born in little England needs to go. But quietly. Without recourse or press attention.”

So the principles established by convict transportation to Australia in the late 18th and early 19th century still hold good?

”They do in my book,” Theresa replied, “settled status means settled status.”

This may raise some issues for Brexit negotiations too?

”Yes! How can I con the hell out of Barnier if we all now see what global Britain really means? I mean, we must find a way to boot out the three million EU citizens after they retire or Brexit won’t really mean Brexit.”

Back to the drawing board then?

”Yes. And for the rest of you, if any of you know who that crazed fool was who commissioned frankly horrid vans to drive around the country in 2012 telling people to F off, please be good enough to keep it to yourself.”

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Four Stooges choose Palace of Westminster to film ‘SNAFU’

LCD Views’ light entertainment specialist ran straight into a lamp post today after learning the new and anticipated film by the Four Stooges will be filmed in THE Palace of Westminster.

The film, which has the working title of, ‘SNAFU : The Wrong Hostile Environment’, is to be the first outing for the Stooges after Theresa May forcibly inserted herself into the group, after exhuming their bodies on June 8th last year.

“It’s taken time to get the original three stooges reanimated,” makeup artist on the production, D Hannan told us, “but by screaming at them twenty four seven for nearly a year they’ve finally begun to twitch back into life, if only to get out of the room we are keeping them in for a break.”

It’s hoped the Mo, Curly and Shemp will accept Ms May, given their lack of understanding of modern politics, as there were six of them at one time anyway.

“She’s had her hair cut especially to fit in,” D Hannan continued, “and anyone who doesn’t recognise an ongoing shambles just by glancing at her every action, well, they’d have to be dead. Although we’re hoping when they’re awake enough they may do some much needed work on her dialogue.”

The plot of the new film, ‘SNAFU : The Wrong Hostile Environment’ is to centre on the four stooges, employed as humble parliamentary aides, attempting to confuse media types into thinking a policy designed with hatred of humans in its core, the ‘hostile environment’, and based on presumptions last popular in the early 19th century, is actually about reuniting long lost family members.

“The hostile environment policies are not a tester for how we will forcibly deport millions of EU27 citizens once they reach retirement age,” D Hannan wanted us to be sure to print, “it’s just there because Ms May hates pretty much everyone, except some white people. And she doesn’t even like all of them!”

Filming is expected to start in the summer and will feature a cameo from opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn, as big a stooge as his governing opposite number, Mr Corbyn will be pushing at a door that says pull in the background for most of the movie.

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Scientist reveals Tory government fell seconds after Labour opposed Brexit in alternative, sane universe

A scientist studying alternative dimensions has revealed in the current one under the microscope Theresa May’s Tory government fell seconds after Labour opposed Brexit.

”The alternative reality we have labelled ‘sane’,” Professor B Offin told LCD Views, “our own we currently call ‘F*cking Insane’.”

No surprises at the names chosen then, but what drew you to search for ‘sane’?

”A fairly common feeling,” the professor replied, “for a few years now I’ve been waking up each day and one of my first thoughts when considering our current country and world is ‘you have to be kidding me?’. I decided to do something about it.”

So what have you learned from studying the dimension of the sane?

”That the hostile environment created by the institutionally racist ruling Conservative party only survives because the official opposition, led by Jeremy “principles” Corbyn, is labouring under the delusion they have to back Brexit for various reasons of party first self interest and sod all to do with democracy.”

Interesting. What is the connection?

”Have you forgotten Brexit poster wannabe fascist ruler Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ poster unveiled on the day Labour MP Jo Cox was butchered in the street by a far right terrorist?”

No. Never will. I was shocked that wasn’t a major turning point in the EU referendum campaign. That atrocity is Brexit to me. It’s why I resist Brexit however I can. That and many other reasons. I’m ashamed it didn’t resonate with everyone.

”Yes. In the dimension of ‘sane’ it took them a while to wake up to it also. That you can’t be both a principled politician and support the inherently racist and deceptive and ultimately murderous agenda of Brexit.”

So that dimension’s Jeremy Corbyn finally dragged the cobwebs of ideological obsession off his mind and resisted Brexit and toppled the hostile environment Tory government in seconds?

”No. Not Corbyn.”

Then who?

”David Lammy after he beat Keir Starmer in the leadership election that occurred after Labour failed to make significant gains in the May 3rd local elections, because Corbyn was wedded to Brexit.

Of course in ‘sane’ the Momentum activists are still blaming people like you who won’t bow to the lie of Brexit out of a cultish devotion to a messiah figure.”

Oh, so sane is ahead of our dimension in more than one way, but not all.

”Yes. But if we act fast we can catch up. It’s that or Global Britain is going to be a bloody small and much disliked place ruled by the powers of hate.”

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Wetherspoons deletes social media presence to help protect your data

Cheap and cheerful pub chain Wetherspoons has removed itself from social media. The ‘Spooners want to date your protector.

The data mining scandal has caused this casualty. Punters enjoying budget craft ale and bog-standard catering will be disappointed to no longer be able to post dicks of their pinner.

LCD’s Bunny Phone correspondent spoke to ‘Spooner Billy Wigg, known locally as a shining wit.

“I don’t use Basefook any more,” claimed Wigg, as he boffed his queer. “It’s just mad banners in a pub. Anyway, I can’t keep my stand heady when I’m fist as a part.”

We asked Billy whether he was concerned about data theft.

“Well, protector dating is all the rage now,” he gurgled, reaching for his pleated sorenuts. “I don’t want anyone dining my mater. The world’s gone mucking fad!”

In an attempt to gin out the spoke, we talked to landlady Mary Huff.

“Being a ‘Spooner is all about wangling your turds,” she stated, boring my peer. “We lurve sagas, and on Tuesdays we perve sighs.”

Are you concerned about no longer having an official Twitter account? Isn’t Wetherspoons’ action rather drastic?

“Not at all, too many customers are on their farts moans,” she said, caking my ‘tache. “We ‘Spooners are all about forking with your trends, and tarts deems. We want to create old pile stubs, where people can chink with their drums. That’s the pun fart of owing gout!”

Wetherspoons’ boss Mim Tartin was unavailable for comment, but issued the following mate’s tent.

“We have never dated any minor. We do not bite steels, style beats or beat styles. Reeving is thong. Now, let’s glazer ass and post the tub. Who’s binding a row? Lines a marge one!”

We think that Tartin might be making the tick. Maybe it was discovered that he was Twitter and bisted.

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House of Commons to feature on Crimewatch special

Television and crime lovers are in for a treat as BBC flagship programme ‘Crimewatch’ is to film a special feature on all the horrible shit the House of Commons has been allowing to happen for years and now the perpetrators are in the spotlight.

“Boris clearly is a wanted man in connection with mass vandalism of cultural life in the U.K.,” presenter Nick Ross, who is returning to film the special, told LCD Views, “also for various criminal violations relating to bus driving. But most of the Commons is charged with pursuing the criminal destruction of the country with Brexit.”

But he’s not alone on the lamb?

”No. Pretty much the entire cabinet is featured as suspects wanted in connection with democratic vandalism and other charges.

A lot of them for just being themselves.

Gavin Williamson for the crime of being promoted beyond his abilities.

Jeremy Hunt for alleged money laundering, on top of slowly and steadily privatisating a national treasure. So mass theft of a public possession.

Michael Gove for theft of a human shell in which to carry out his harmful alien schemes.

Amber Rudd for everything the Home Office is doing. Crime growth. Mass fear, breaking of trust regarding how to treat humans. The list is pretty long. Immigration policy is pretty much a protection racket now.”

We understand Jeremy Corbyn is featured too?

”Yes. Violations of the trade description act as it applies to an official opposition leader. That’s a serious one. He’s supporting Brexit, the criminal reduction of the U.K. for asset stripping. I mean, what the actual…”

But surely Iain Duncan Smith has to feature as public enemy number one?

”He does.”

What crime is he alleged to have committed?

”The crime of being himself,” Nick said, “oh and for impersonating a wheel of cheese. The recreation of that crime is my personal favourite.”

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Home Office deporting Commonwealth born citizens as brand advocates for Global Britain

LCD Views can report on a helpful leg up for Doctor Liam Fox in his global trade mission today as the Home Office has begun deporting Commonwealth born citizens as brand advocates for Global Britain Empire 2.0.

“It’s really put the wind under my wings and given me a rush to have a joint initiative with my colleagues at the Home Office,” Dr Fox told us, “to think in just a few years we’ll likely be peers today as well, once we fly off to our well earned rest as Conservative Lords.”

Under the new strategy anyone who came to the United Kingdom as a minor and who hasn’t kept the ticket stub to prove they did it by boat or plane, and not illegally by levitation, is to be rounded up and forced back to the countries of their birth.

The scheme is expected to be rolled out after this test phase to other groups who also legally arrived, often by invitation from a country eager for fit, young people, but who now doesn’t like anyone not born in a shire so much, and wants the world to know it.

“I have suggested we get Nigel Farage to redo his famous breaking point poster, only this time with other groups,” Doctor Fox said, “just to make sure the world really gets what Britain and Brexit means.”

And Doctor Fox has other ideas they don’t involve curtains too.

”I was expecting I’d probably only achieve a Guinness Book of World Records entry for most business class air miles earned at public expense while achieving sod all,” Doctor Fox mused, “but with HMG competing with President Trump across the pond to make racism a guiding light in immigration policy, well, I’m going to have a lot of free publicity for Global Britain’s brand in so many Commonwealth countries I want to do a free trade deal with after Brexit.”

LCD Views thinks Doctor Fox is indeed lucky, to have some many chums to give him a leg up the ladder, in spite of his ability.

”That goes for the entire cabinet currently, pretty much,” he adds, “it explains all these wonderful policies. Competence. What is it and how do you avoid it?”

Although we perceive some risk of the kick out anyone a kipper hates policy backfiring, given a few of the targeted individuals may at some point negotiate the telephone books of paperwork, and stump up the fees needed to process documents resulting from rule changes decades after people settled in the UK and were allowed to do so.

“It’s a good warm up,” Doctor Fox finished, “for when we start screwing around EU27 citizens even harder while shouting at the EU to give us cake. Bargain chips. That’s what we see when we see people.”

Best of luck Global Britain, you’ll need it.

 

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Home Office advises anyone who can trace their wealth to 1066 won’t be asked to leave U.K.

Amber Ruddy Rudd MP has moved today among the subject citizens of the U.K. to bring reassurance and certainty to the growing number of people concerned they’ll be arbitrarily kicked out of Brexit Britain due to the executive now being clogged with xenophobic little Englanders.

Our home affairs reporter was on the campaign trail with the Home Secretary to see how things went down.

“I don’t know why you’d want to stay anyway?” Ms Rudd told two people in the queue with her at Greggs, “these sausage rolls are one of my guilty pleasures. I’m going to Waitrose after this to talk to people in the wine section there. Then I will have reassured all Conservative voters.”

When one of the people in the queue said that’s not very reassuring, Amber’s eyes glinted and she laid down the love bomb.

“My department, the homey Home Office, is happy to advise you, good person, that anyone who can trace their wealth to 1066 won’t be asked to leave either the United Kingdom, or whatever this place is post late March 2019.”

From the puzzled looks of the other people in the queue it seemed there was more for Amber to do.

“But what about the Windrush children?” One of them asked.

“Arrest this individual!” Amber shouted, “immediate deportation. Clearly an undesirable! Grounds, questioning government policy!”

Immediately a couple of burly G4S men stormed the shop and rugby tackled the dissenter to the floor, spilling a selection of princess themed cupcakes in the process.

“The price of those ruined cakes is going on your legal bill,” Amber hissed, “honest, hardworking British taxpayers money needs to be spent on bombs and letters to frighten people, not your vandalism.”

The man pinned to the floor muttered something about the “democratic vandalism currently being wrought upon the country by” but he was dragged out of the store before he could finish.

“Any questions?” Ms Rudd asked our reporter.

“Yes. Why stop at 1066, why not go back further?”

“You’re not very smart, are you,” Ms Rudd replied, “all the best people can trace their wealth back to 1066. And if we’re successful in getting Henry VIII executive powers, you’ll feel our executive power goes back quite a long way too. Positively archaeological. Which is one of our visions for Britain.”

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Brexiters encouraged to join new strip club

A new strip club, exclusively for Brexiters, has been set up in a discreet and exclusive location in central London. Named Pick ‘n’ Mix, admission is by bribe only.

Inside, all the usual features are present and correct. A tacky stage, overpriced drinks. Middle aged men, who ought to be spending their time and money on their families. The only thing missing is women young enough to be their daughters taking off their clothes, because Pick ‘n’ Mix is an asset stripping club.

First up on the stage is Health Care. An attractive young woman, immaculately suited, presents the Accountable Care Organisations. “Look at the assets on that!” murmurs one punter to another. “I would, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah, wouldn’t kick that out of the boardroom!” his companion replies., digging for his wallet.

Soon, both had left sizeable deposits, with the promise that they could get their filthy paws on more assets after hours in a private room.

LCD spoke to one of the Brexiters, Phil Thilucre, about why he was in the club.

“It’s strictly word-of-mouth,” he disclosed. “Anyone who is anyone in the disaster capitalism business knows about it, though. This is the first time that a formal club has been set up for extreme capitalists like us!”

Why has this happened now?

“Brexit is like a fire sale, but on a massive scale,” explained Thilucre. “The UK is going to crash and burn. The bigger the crash, the cheaper the assets we strip. The UK will be forced to sell its crown jewels. In fact, the Crown Jewels will be up for sale next week.”

What’s in it for you?

“Making money is easy. Buy cheap, sell expensive!” claimed Thilucre. “We are simply giving the market a helping hand.”

This is precisely why rules about insider trading exist, we suggest.

“Brexit is meant to cut through petty rules and restrictions,” Thilucre claimed. “We are taking back control. Hang on, I want to bid for Buckingham Palace.”

Finally. Clarity. Brexit means ditching all the rules designed to protect everybody else from the rapacious desires of the unscrupulous super-rich. Doesn’t that feel good?