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Home Office reveal modified EU27 citizen registration app test device to build confidence in system

The Home Office has released photos of the modified EU27 citizen registration app test device today in order to build confidence in their pioneering system.

“There was all this fuss and bother over the fact the app doesn’t work on apples,” Home Office minister Mrs S Acrifical MP, told LCD Views, “so we made some modifications to the test device and will be running a new battery of tests to prove the system works. We are confident of delivering this system under budget and before the cliff edge Brexit we’re aiming for.”

It seems the phone app was settled on as the best way to deliver the system because that way the Home Office can better track EU citizens movements wherever they are day and night.

“It will make it easier to locate, intern and deport them when they reach retirement age,” the minister added, “which will be more efficient for the private security company awarded the contract to do just that.

We did think about just badging people the traditional way, to show they were now worth less than patriots, but focus group testing was negative.

But as none of us running this Brexit shower have learned anything at all from modern history, we can’t work out why there was so much kick back.”

The proposed system has also come under fire for requiring individuals to pay a fee of £72 and register individually.

“Everyone is against two for one deals suddenly, so we thought it best to make individuals in a family pay separately to register to lose their rights. But you will get a smiley face emoji as a thank you. We’re just settling on the moustache for its face.”

Queries over whether or not it would have been better to just grant citizenship freely to EU27 citizens who came here in a prior atmosphere of trust have been waved away.

“That’s hardly the hostile environment Theresa May is known to love to create,” the minister replied, “don’t be silly. And besides, they’re the only bargaining chips we have.”

A retort that these are human beings, people, friends, spouses, partners and shared humanity and we should be treating them the same as we expect to be treated, and anything less shames the United Kingdom, were dismissed.

“Oh, don’t you worry, once we’ve succeeded in taking away the freedom of movement for UK citizens, and ripped ourselves out of a mass of treaties legally ensuring minimum rights and treatment, you’ll find the treatment rapidly becomes very equal for all.”

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Honest upright newspaper blasts traitor for failing to condemn ever expanding family of welfare recipients

Hot on the heels of Corbyn’s slow response to the Royal Baby, the Daily Express has laid into him again. He is now guilty of not condemning foreigners for irresponsible breeding.

As Britain gears up to feed another baby born of European stock, a row is brewing. The basis of it is that Corbyn hasn’t done enough to root out Labour members who might have foreign ancestors.

As leader of the so-called opposition, Corbyn is required to take up two contradictory positions at any given time. This is necessary training to become Prime Minister. The PM herself must believe up to six impossible things before breakfast.

Protocol dictates that congratulations, however insincere, must be forthcoming. Imagine the furore had Corbyn commented before Theresa May’s programmers had finished choosing the most appropriate cliché.

The Royal Sprog’s parents, Will and Kate Oxbridge, are believed to be doing well, since there are plenty of people in the Royal household running round after them. The message from Buckingham Palace read “Nanny and baby are doing well.”

There has been much speculation about the baby’s name. Some wags have suggested he be named Jeremy. Ladbroke’s are offering odds of 10-1 for Dwayne, 50-1 on George II, and 5000-1 on Baby McBabyface.

The Duke of Edinburgh has been getting involved with typical German efficiency. “I do hope they don’t call it something stupid like Eugenie,” he reportedly said. “And I’m not a bloody German, I’m Greek!”

The Duke also disclosed that the baby had inherited his father’s hair, before being dragged off by George and Charlotte to play at being fuzzy-wuzzies again.

We tried to interview the Little Prince himself. He opened an eye, removed the nipple from his mouth, and said “I’m a newborn baby, I can’t talk yet. Now bugger orff, I’m feeding!”

Labour activists belatedly slammed the Express for failing to produce a 19 page Royal Baby supplement. The Express has retaliated by producing a 19 page supplement of pictures of Jeremy Corbyn holding babies, presumed to be foreign.

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Woman says she became a Brexiter the moment she was told she could deport three million people

A woman in a position of some influence has spoken to one of our award winning political correspondents today to explain how she experienced a damascene conversion regarding Brexit.

“You are aware I’m only answering the questions I pre-approved?” she said at the beginning of the interview, “if you try and ask me anything I have not had the pat phrase pre-installed as a reply to, I’ll freeze up and then you’ll have to reboot me.”

We know. We know. It’s okay. We read every instruction manual before talking to a government minister.

“Good. Just ignore the blue screens behind my pupils if they pop up. A member of the IT staff will pop in and turn me off and on again. Now, what’s your question?”

“We were mostly interested in how you went from being a supporter of remaining in the European Union to someone who isn’t now. You spoke several times of the clear and present dangers that leaving entailed.

But then once the con artists behind Leave successfully rigged, lied, micro targeted with stolen data susceptible and credulous voters, allegedly broke election laws by funnelling money into puppet companies, and to top it all off, drove a giant lie around the country on a bus, overnight you became a Brexiter?

“The answer is very straight forward.”

Please tell.

“The moment I understood I could deport three million people, and forcibly, well, I just had to go for it,” she smiled.

So you admit to having, shall we say, every so slightly racist instincts?

“Have you seen what we’ve been up to with the Windrush generations? Oh my God! How could you even ask me that? Where have you been?”

I’ve been right here living through your time in office.

“Do you have the papers to prove it?”

I thought you were supposed to have suddenly stopped all that and become very mad at the people who started it?

“Sorry. Old habits and all that. It’s a shame really. The hostile environment is my pet ‘long game’.

Becoming prime minister on a Brexit ticket looked so promising.

I could really exercise my deep antipathy to anyone who didn’t look like they were born in an English village. Foreigners are just so suspicious, don’t you find?

Still, let’s not give up now hey? We’ve got the official opposition backing Brexit with us and committed to leaving the single market, just like us. Freedom of movement is as good as dead in the water. We may get another swing on the mass deportation wicket.”

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House of Lords to replace Labour as official opposition after successful pilot

Great news for backers of parliamentary sovereignty today with the announcement that the House of Lords is to officially replace Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party as the official opposition in the House of Commons, after a successful pilot scheme focused on fundamental human and worker’s rights.

“We weren’t sure how the pilot would go,” Lord Such and Such told LCD Views, “we were a bit worried the old Maybot might attempt to skew the result by creating one thousand new peers.

Or that too many of the Lords would nap.

But it seems old Maybot was so busy staring at her pot plant, wondering why it was withering when she watered it personally, that she forgot to get her list of party donors out in time and ring round to see who wanted a peerage.

Oh, and it seems where their grandkids welfare is concerned, the old Lords are surprisingly alert. Probably something to do with Christmas.”

Under the changes the Lords will sit on the green opposition benches in the Commons and face Theresa May, or whoever is Conservative Party leader next week after the customs union vote this Thursday, and give her the sort of welly she’s been missing.

“You wait until Adonis cracks the whip,” Lord Such and Such said, “although we’ll probably give the job of leader in the lower house to Heseltine as that will be the biggest wind up.

No one saw this coming. Thatcher era Tory party politicians being demonstrably more concerned with the long term welfare of the man and woman on the street than this current, caring Conservative mob.”

Asked for comment to the changes, expected to be performed initially with the Queen watching in her EU hat, and later unsupervised, the Labour Party replied,

“The people had a vote, it’s not our job to protect fundamental worker’s rights in the commons. Anyway, we’ve a small meeting to attend at a town hall somewhere. Stoking the revolution. Wait until Brexit has you all broken and eating out of bins and then see if you don’t join the revolution.”

Responding for the government Amber Rudd replied,

“Who doesn’t trust us to preserve basic rights after we’ve thrown off all those irritating rights enshrined in EU laws and treaties? There’s nothing in our record in government that says we don’t really genuinely value all people.

Our hard right paymasters are also going to be pretty cheesed if the Lords don’t just read out letters from individual constituents week after week but actually attack us on all the massive holes in our armour.

If they take up Cambridge Analytica we’re totally stuffed, it potentially goes right to the top of government.

Good thing Jezza is a Brexiter and not that much interested in discovering how deep the complete and utter corruption of our electoral system has gone.

What if the Lords start demanding under parliamentary privilege that we get to the bottom of where Bank’s massive money injection came from in 2015?

The mind boggles at the threat of having an official opposition not playing some dumb “long game”, but actually tearing us to shreds as they could. Some pundits say we’d fall in a week.”

The lords were also asked to make further comment but they were too busy leaping.

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Answers demanded after public servant demoted at work without pay cut

LCD Views is fronting the red top newspaper campaign today demanding an answer to why a well known public servant has been demoted at work but without receiving a pay cut.

The revelation of the demotion, came without any details of financial sanctions accompanying the drop in status shortly after 11am yesterday morning. This has lead to furious speculation that the individual concerned is to continue to receive full salary and bonus for a position a grade higher than they now occupy.

“It’s a scandal,” famous royal watcher Brian Cox told LCD Views, during an early morning Skype call from his hunting estate outside Balmoral,

“apparently a full grown man has been moved down a full rung in the management structure and replaced by a new born baby.

An infant? Seriously.

How qualified at waving and smiling is a one day old?

Even by days two or three they aren’t going to be able to cut ribbons. Actually it will be several years before they’re even allowed to handle a pair of serious scissors, of the kind needed to cut a ceremonial ribbon with one cut.”

Smashing champagne against ships is right out too.

“That’s my point! What the hell is going on. This is a public servant we’re talking about here. We need answers.”

Do you think work place politics are involved?

“What? Senior colleagues of the man decided to go to all the trouble of bringing in an entirely unknown individual just to impress who holds the power? That takes a minimum of nine months to pull off, that sort of move, pretty hard to keep secret. It’s possible. Anything is possible in this day and age.”

The man himself hasn’t officially responded to our direct question regarding what he will do with his salary? Will he give it to charity? Now that he’s being paid as a fifth, but is actually a sixth?

“He already does a hell of a lot for charity,” Brian responded to that, “we know that. We respect that. It’s a very important charity too. So you can take that line of questioning and shove off.”

Fair criticism. He does assist a lot of people who would otherwise be much less valued.

“You try being born with a silver spoon as big as a palace up your backside but imposed celebrity too. That’s not actually the birth lottery I would want to win. A few steps back and a spoon the size of just a mansion maybe.”

We get it.

Let’s get back to being replaced in the management structure by an infant?

“Seriously!” Brian agreed, “that’s the scandal right there. A grown man replaced by a one minute year old and expected to answer to the infant. It’s just not fair. It’s probably justice that he’s kept full pay.”

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Party of business confirms today it’s still determined to destroy business

Britain’s political equivalent of Einstein anti-matter confirmed today that she and her chums have “almost finished our experiment to see what it takes to destroy as many U.K. businesses as possible.”

The reassurance came as the ruling party, voiced by the Maybot, but programmed by a dark and merciless trio of Murdoch, Rees-mogg and Foster (not Jodie, the other Foster) ruled out remaining in the definite customs union, or the indefinite, the as yet to be defined by Jeremy “unicorn whisperer” Corbyn, or any other form of customs union which may involve an unpalatable degree of sanity and economic certainty for manufacturing in the UK. As the clock ticks down to doomsday in the U.K.

”It’s vital that everyone understands the lunatics are still in control of the asylum,” the Maybot told LCD Views, “the cuckoos are still flying over the nest. The barbie is still just as short of sausages as it was yesterday and the china shop will not stop being trashed until every plate, every saucer, every bowl of economic competence in the 21st century is smashed to smithereens and on the floor. It’s how either 1% will get richer or the tricky commies will have their decades long desired revolution on the back of disaster forcing revolutionary social change.”

So that dealt with the weekend rumours of a u turn.

”There is absolutely no chance of a u turn from my government,” the driverless driver of the government confirmed, “and you know me when I make my mind up!”

Business welcomed the clarity, especially the Japanese who have placed 40% of their EU investment in the U.K. because of our membership of the EU.

To make their statements clearer we translated it, “we’re almost fed up warning you and we’re about to up stakes and go.

And no, we can’t be bribed as easily as some. We think long term. Something clearly the U.K. does not do since the overwhelming advisory mandate to trash yourself without relent.

And yes, maybe your MSM should report the flow of jobs and investment across the channel that’s already happening and will only accelerate if you stay on your current path. We will be turning it into a flood because we are sane.”

Asked to respond to the government’s determination to destroy British business the party of workers released the current statement,

”We still support the government’s determination to destroy jobs in the U.K. because jobs are the enemy of the workers.

Anything we say one day that sounds differently we are always careful to contradict the next. We are building a fudgberg. Have a taste.”

LCD Views commends the ruling parties of coalition for their clarity and trust a parliament will sooner rather than later put a stop to the travesty governance has become in this United Kingdom.

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Britain’s most principled politician to make Brexit Day national holiday to finally get lead in polls

Britain’s most principled politician, Saint Jeremy of Islington North, is to promise to make Brexit Day a national holiday, so he can finally get a poll lead on the worst prime minister anyone can remember.

“It’s a puzzle it is,” an aide to Saint Jeremy said to LCD Views, before rushing off to report this page to Facebook for undermining the leader, “we have the worst government anyone can remember for a long time.

It’s demonstrably cruel, it’s institutionally racist, it’s dedicated itself to economic calamity to further enrich a tiny minority of the people, i.e. Brexit, which equals Nigel Farage and his values, in case your global readership has forgotten, and Theresa May is polling better than Saint Jeremy?”

It’s a bit of a puzzle, we agree. I would have thought the centre, the left and right of it, the swing vote would have swung tectonically to Labour by now, just for sanity, just for hope? I suspect you guys would just crush the Tories if you stood against the Brexit lies rather than trying to fudge it and appeal to all sides. There is a mountain of votes up for grabs.

The polling for the smaller parties not changing much isn’t an indication that fighting Brexit won’t gain you mass support, it’s because Brexit is so huge an issue that voters are looking to one of the major parties to deal with it. The ones with the power to make an immediate difference.

“You’ve just bored me with all those words. Can I continue where I was?”

Please do.

“We potentially have the worst prime minister ever and we can’t get a poll lead on the government?

I mean, what the, there should really be a public inquiry, because we just can’t puzzle it out.

Well, we can blame the public of course. That’s one of our key psychological survival tools. Denigrate and blame anyone who dares to question any of Saint Jeremy’s policies. I learnt that from arguing with kippers online. It’s why I’m supporting Jeremy’s support of Brexit, which is UKIP.

Most of my day is spent sending messages to anyone who raises a query about Saint Jeremy by calling them a ‘centrist, yellow tory, blairite who is propping up this cruel government and you are directly responsible for what the tories do because you undermine the leader by not supporting his job’s first Brexit’.

Well, less polite than that.

I have to make it quick because I need to get my comrades to send the same message and retweet ‘blairite scum’ at them for day after day, until they’re all finally muted.

Even though that class traitor probably didn’t vote for Blair. Facts don’t matter. We’re doing populism now too. Populism and insults. It worked a treat for UKIP. It’ll get those class traitors sufficiently shamed to vote for us.”

So it’s thought that by pandering to Leave voters more and promoting a policy certain to be popular with them will help Labour finally crack. We mean, finally crack the riddle of the polls?

“It’s a no fail strategy. If we promise to make Brexit Day, the 29th of March, a public holiday, who won’t vote for us? I mean, who doesn’t want a day off?”

Jobs first Brexit policy is certainly going to enable the Tories to give potentially hundreds of thousands many days off.

“Why’s that?”

Because they’ll be searching for a job to replace the job that went first with a jobs first Brexit policy.

“Are you undermining the leader?”

NO. I’m calling for him to act like a friggin’ opposition leader and resist the racism fuelled, rights stripping neoliberal economic, asset stripping shitshow that is Brexit.

“Yellow Tory Blairite Class Traitor.”

Explain to me how Brexit is going to enable Labour to enact all those much needed policies to address social inequality and protect and regenerate all those areas of the country that are suffering and then insult me again.

“You just have to have to faith in Saint Jeremy.”

That’s not an answer.

“It’s not our fault or Saint Jeremy’s if you don’t vote for us. It’s because you don’t care about people.”

Thank you for coming. Good luck solving the riddle of the polls. I’ll give you a hint. It’s because Saint Jeremy is a Brexiter and that’s no choice because Brexit will govern all.

“Yellow tory. Getting ready for your re-tweets. You’re enabling the Tory Brexit.”

There is only Brexit. Anyone that tells you otherwise is being economical with the truth.

“See, we won’t overspend in that area!”

Or any other, if you continue to support Brexit and don’t fight for the good of everyone against the proven lies of the Brexiters.

“Immigrants are undermining the workers.”

I’m going now. Thank you for coming. Enjoy your attempt at populism.

 

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Brexiter calls for Saint George to be replaced with proper British saint

LCD Views reports with deep alarm this morning the call from a leading Brexiter to replace Saint George as the patron saint of England after Brexit with a proper British saint.

“He’s an immigrant, isn’t he?” a member of the ERG group told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity. “You won’t leak this whatsapp chat, will you? I’ll have you if you do. I’ll dedicate myself to taking away your freedom of movement to move across an entire continent so I can better control the conditions you work under and crush your rights for my personal financial gain.”

Can we stick to Saint George please? We’re your back channel to the world on the issue.

“Fine. Saint George definitely entered the country illegally. The Home Office has recently changed the rules regarding documentation required to enter the United Kingdom in the 14th century and it’s highly unlikely this so called saint has the required paperwork.

He should be found, detained without trial, forced to pay for a legal defence he wouldn’t need if we hadn’t changed the rules to change his legal status, knowing he couldn’t provide the necessary documentation. We’ve also reduced dramatically legal aid, but that’s just a coincidence.

After this we should deport him to anywhere. He’s been identified as an undesired class, because he’s an immigrant, and not English by birth, and we should transport him and dump him as far away as possible, just like we used to do with starving lower orders in the 18th and 19th century. Some people are born wrong and you can’t cure them, you just need to surgically remove them from society to improve it.”

Can we surgically remove you?

“Excuse me?”

Nothing. But King Edward III invited Saint George to come to England and work as our patron saint. It’s not fair to change the rules now to throw him out.

“How much does this Saint George cost the public purse now? He’s well past retirement age. What use is he?”

Are you even human?

“I think so. I have a birth certificate, somewhere. Although I admit many people are starting to doubt it.”

Okay. So who would you suggest replaces the globe trotting, most international of saints?

“Saint Del Boy. Saint Theresa of Barking (mad). Jacob Rees-mogg the deliverer of common people from their rights. There’s any number of proper, British born magical thinkers who could do the job right. Just not someone not born in England. What has an immigrant ever done for us? Saint Theresa asked me that the other day. I couldn’t answer. Can you?”

Yes.

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Earth votes to leave the solar system

The people of Earth have voted to leave the solar system. Triumphant Leavers have declared that the Earth, finally, will be free to decide its own destiny.

“This decision is out of this world!” gushed campaigner Newton Fouledupp. “Never again will the Earth be subject to the so-called laws of gravity imposed upon the planet by the undemocratic Sun.”

According to Fouledupp, the Earth will be free to make a deal with any Star it chooses. “Much better than our current, restricted position,” he said. “We have literally been going round in circles for years.”

“In fact, we believe that gravity is just a ruse to keep us in our place,” he continued. “We got are plannit back!”

Opposition to the vote has been raised. “The Leavers told us lies,” claimed pro-orbital spokesman Ellie Psis. “Half the world’s population has been kept in the dark.”

Miss Psis raised the issue of the Moon. “As an exo-planet, it was not eligible to vote,” she claimed. “No provision has been made for the moon at all. It’s lunacy!”

The Loonies are believed to be in secret negotiations with the solar system for satellite rights. “We are after dwarf planet status, like Pluto,” said a spokesClanger. “We want to protect our trade in space junk and blue string soup.”

Meanwhile, Fouledupp declared that there was a bad atmosphere in the solar system. “No atmosphere is better than a bad atmosphere,” he claimed. Unsurprising given that most planetary atmospheres comprise hydrogen, methane and sulphur.

“They need us more than we need them,” he continued. “Without the Earth, Jupiter, Saturn and the rest will simply fall from the sky and the Sun will be revealed for what it is: just a lot of hot air.”

Many problems remain. No satisfactory alternative to the Sun has been proposed, nor has any workable solution to the Lunar Border issue been forthcoming. No matter. All that matters is that we are Leaving.

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Home office reveals out of this world points based migrant worker scheme

The Home Office sought to get back into the public’s good books today by revealing their new and out of this world points based migrant worker scheme.

“We were hoping to keep it under wraps till after Brexit, but that little fuss about some landing cards has meant we’ve had to push our plan to replace costly, human rights hungry EU27 workers, and all those we’ve deported illegally on the quiet, to the front of the news cycle,” revealed Jacob Rees-mogg MP, a synthetic human who makes synthesised speech like sounds by way of an old moog synth he’s had installed where his voice box should be, told LCD Views.

“Our new plan is the result of flexible and imaginative thinking and doesn’t have any of the tedious fuss relating to human rights and paying people a living wage. No data privacy hassles and gets right around the new anti-tax haven laws the tyrannical EU are forcing upon Britain because we’ll never stop taking dodgy kleptomanic cash on our own,” he added, “it seems some people have a very imaginative idea of what a human is. But not myself and my working group the Borg.”

Under the new plan the British space industry will receive a massive boost as the government is to provide a £350M per week cash incentive to bankroll any business that successfully identifies alien life that can be convinced to come and work cheaply in the United Kingdom after Brexit, on the assurance that we’ll look after them equal to white people who live in the counties and vote Tory.

“We’re going to need to replace the ageing workforce somehow, at least until the replicants of UKIP voters are produced,” Rees-mogg added, “the reputation of Global Britain as a place to work seems to have suffered unfairly due to a conspiracy by left wing rabble rousers politicising the Windrush scandal, just at what was really the most inconvenient moment [he means while the Commonwealth heads of government are in town].”

It seems the Home Office, in conjunction with “emerging market” specialist Rees-mogg, is hoping that a workforce of off planet variety may still be willing to be enticed to come and work in Global Britain, as no one else will now, and trust their rights will be protected even after the likes of Jacob and all the other fancy xenophobes have decided they’re now an expendable group and should be kicked out.

“It has the added advantage,” Rees-mogg explained, “not only won’t they know what we’re like, unlike earth based life forms now, but freedom of movement won’t have to be on the table either, due to the distances involved.”

While Jacob and his colleagues in government are sure the plan is a success in the making, critics have raised a few doubts about the feasibility.

“Firstly, alien planets with life forms sentient enough to work for disaster capitalists on the cheap will have been receiving our television broadcasts for decades and will probably have decided to never talk to us now that reality tv is a thing,” one added, “and they’ve seen what a basket case of scat flinging idiots QT now is. Secondly, if they can communicate with us we’re bloody sure they won’t be stupid enough to believe a word any pro-Brexit Conservative or Labour politician says. It might be best to start facing economic realities at home and just stop with the racist government policies.”

That critic was later accused of being a traitor who doesn’t understand democracy, of undermining the leader and being an enemy to the people.