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Pop music banned due to cultural appropriation

The nationalism unleashed by Brexit has claimed pop music as its latest victim. Musical purists are demanding that only music originating in Great Britain be played.

Some argue that popular music derives from British folksong, as adapted and developed by people who have come into contact with Brits. The result was the finger being taken out of the ear, ingredients from around the globe being added, and the whole multiplied by technology. This cultural appropriation is totally unacceptable to musical Brexiters.

To accompany this tuneful eugenics, the new “moBo Awards” have been created. The host of the first moBo (“Music Of BRITISH Origin”) Awards is to be Boris Johnson. Boris has not lost his knack of talking utter bollocks, but his musical credentials are slim indeed. moBo BoJo lost his mojo.

The news means that leave leaning beardy men in folk clubs are getting excited.

Folk singer Al Aroundmyhat was upbeat about the news. “At last my brand of music will have a ‘pop’ at the charts!” he chanted. “British folk songs have a universal theme. Crap bosses, farming and being no good in the sack. Dying at sea. Getting lost at sea. Being transported to a desert prison by ship. Being buggered, getting drunk and getting whipped at sea. These are things that everybody can relate to.”

Piano player Ebony Andivory was feeling crotchety. “I now have to refer to my instrument, the Pianoforte, as a Softloud,” she moaned. “And I’m only allowed to play sentimental melodies in modal keys while some old chap warbles wistful nonsense and spills his beer on the keys.”

Other genres have not been forgotten. Classical music, a largely European phenomenon, will correspondingly be largely banned. Only music by the ultra-English Edward Elgar and Georg Friedrich Handel will be permissible. Handel was, of course, as British as the Royal Family itself.

It only remains to be truly British and crack jokes about the whole sorry affair. So to finish on a suitably low note, here is a false climax:

What does diminuendo mean? It’s a limp knob gag that keeps getting softer.

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We cannot allow Labour to break apart over Brexit, but it’s okay if the U.K. does says Starmer

“We cannot allow Labour to break apart over Brexit,” Labour pedigree Keir Starmer told Peston today, “but it’s okay if the United Kingdom does. By the way, I think it’s a disgrace our new blue passports are being made in France, just like Rees-mogg does.”

The clarity on Labour’s position on Brexit is welcomed, especially the further clarity about where the party’s current leadership’s priorities.

”It’s important that we match the Conservatives pound for pound in putting our perceived party political interests over the blindingly obvious reasons to oppose Brexit,” Mr Starmer added,

“how are we supposed to get elected to government if we don’t mimic them as closely as possible on the topic of Brexit? You tell me. It’s a proper head scratcher.

To actually oppose what is clearly insane and only serving the hard right neocons would be too risky.”

Mr Starmer went on to say that nothing was going to sway leader Jeremy Corbyn’s support for Brexit.

”Not even if Satan himself was found to be behind the Brexit agenda.

The people had an advisory vote and narrowly backed a bunch of liars and conmen, so it’s clear what we have to do now as the official opposition party.”

Mr Starmer left shortly after as his Momentum minder had arrived with the next preprepared statements for him to say, in order to be safe in his front bench job until he can be de-selected at leisure with a placard of shame hung around his neck.

”Theyre going to give me a parade when they do it!”

Thats nice dear. I’m sure there’s no chance you’re being played for a sucker by the ideologically firm.

“If you don’t mind though, we’ve got to wrap it up now. I’ve got lines to learn for my family lunch. I have to be really, really careful not to say anything that could be considered thought crime by the leader, or they’ll chase me with the vacuum cleaner for an hour.”

We wouldn’t want that. Just be careful not to follow your lawyers nose, it might lead you to what stinks in the Leave campaign, and they would really be a pickle for the party hoping to ride Brexit over the rubble and ashes to come and into government.

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University of life graduates assigned to confused millennials to explain how great England was before the EU ruined it

Wonderful news for confused millennials today with the announcement that graduates from the University of Life are going to be assigned to explain how great England was, before membership of the European Union ruined it.

”The discussions will be patient at first,” Michael Gove told LCD Views’ Sunday morning digest, “but for millennials who are unconvinced by the hazy and selective recollections of their betters, strident phrases maybe required.”

The people had a vote is clearly top draw, mostly for how little sense it makes in the context of democracies, as that’s what they do, and then do again when circumstances change.

”If young people are that bothered they should have voted, even if they couldn’t, this will also have to be explained repeatedly,” Michael added, “but surely mentioning the sense of community encouraged by lack ought to do it.”

To deepen the impact of the discussions, they will be held in local pubs festooned with Saint George flags, and if possible establishments that go silent when someone presumed to be foreign enters.

But what if the strategy falls flat?

”Rest assures we’re not launching a lead balloon off the Dover cliffs,” Mr Gove soothed, “how can having a pensioner who received free university education at a time of liberating social forces and when houses cost a pound not have a misguided millennial hankering to go back in time too?”

But you must hVe developed a contingency plan for those thick younger voters who nostalgia just can not educate?

”Don’t make me laugh! Contingency planning? This shower of a government? Ha!

If they fail at the University of Life they’ll be enrolled in the school of hard knocks, where they should have been anyway, instead of pouncing about the continent with the wrong coloured passports”

If you are in need of reminding how great England was before the EU ruined everything with greater rights and freedoms, get ready, the time machine is coming to save you and it will deploy phrases that are both tired and tested.

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Ten Downing Street issues white sticks to every MP

The endless ability of Number Ten to help its own has reached new heights. White sticks have been issued, free of charge, to every serving MP, regardless of their political affiliation.

To save time and energy, a job lot of white sticks was procured, from a geezer in a yellow Reliant Robin who bore a striking resemblance to David Jason.

Assessors from ATOS were called in to aid the sight tests. Candidates were asked to sit in a darkened room and read phrases as they flashed up before them. Phrases like “The Irish Border”, “Cliff Edge” and “£350m for the NHS” proved beyond all but the hardiest. However, the fact that none of them noticed the elephant in the room was the clincher.

The sessions came to an end after the first thirty MPs lacked the necessary vision. The remaining MPs were assumed to be suffering too.

Then someone realised that each fifteen-minute assessment was costing the taxpayer in excess of £75,000. Most of this money went, quite justifiably, straight into ATOS’s back pocket. But leading Tories were apoplectic that almost 10% of the money was being wasted on elephant feed and insurance against pachyderm-related mishaps.They explained that they refused even to acknowledge the possible existence of the elephant.

The conundrum remains, however. Nobody can see the elephant, yet it is still most definitely there. Who will feed it, care for it, and clean up after it? Well-meaning but one-eyed wildlife freaks, who can certainly see the elephant, if nothing else, are pressing for the elephant to be released into the wild. There it will be able to lead a free and happy life trampling ivory hunters.

Brexit is most definitely a case of the blind leading the blind. The white sticks will assist MPs to negotiate the dark days ahead. But neither blinkers nor rose-tinted spectacles can save their sight.

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English cricket team outsourced to France

The England cricket team has been outsourced to France, on grounds of cost. The French are believed to be able to lose Test matches more cheaply than the UK.

The current team is rumoured to be the first French prototype. The players all bear anglicised versions of their names. For example, captain Joe Root is really called Jean Racine.

It is no secret that the newly named BCF (Board de Cricket Français) is keen to lower its overheads. Lengthy tours of Australia and New Zealand are expensive, and there are lots of extras (‘sundries’ down under) that have to be paid for.

In this context, employing a seventeenth century playwright as team captain makes perfect sense.

The Honourable Freddie Tennyson-Jardine has started his own rival, the Real England Cricket Team Union of Marylebone (RECTUM). With players drawn from the cream of the aristocracy, his team has an unbeaten record against all-comers. He has also revised the rules, so that a player may not be dismissed by his social inferior.

This unbeatable combination of privilege and match-fixing, Freddie believes, will lead to a renaissance of Proper British Cricket. RECTUM will lead the race to the bottom.

Back in New Zealand, where the French-produced England team mustered a magnificent 58 all out, BCF apologist B. S. Flannel was in bullish mood.

“For a team comprised mainly of dead Frenchmen, 58 is a cracking total,” flannelled B. S.. “Obviously there will be a few teething troubles, as the French players are used to a pitch 22 metres, not yards, long. There’s many a slip twixt wicketkeeper and gully.”

The charming French have bowled over the Kiwis. The only catch is that they have been on the back foot, and then bailed out.

The BCF has already taken over boules and pétanque. It is considering whether to push French cricket as an Olympic sport.

It’s just not cricket.

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Home Office releases list of banned french things

The Home Office was in chaste mood today as it released a list of activities that are now banned on patriotic grounds to help make a success of Brexit.

“Number one, french kissing is over,” Amber Rudd, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ Dating Advice columnist, “french breadsticks are going too, as  one often leads to the other.  Sourdough will do well enough for honest British snoggers hereafter.”

But the addition of french letters to the list of proscribed activities and items caused criticism that the Home Office had not thought things through.

“Of course we have,” Ms Rudd replied primly, “we going to need a baby boom to replace all those foreign workers that are going home and taking their newly illegal activities with them.

French letters are almost certainly a French plot to undermine the great British birth rate. It’s much simpler just to ban them instead of having inspectors going around the country piercing each one individually with a pin. Even though that adds an element of surprise to unexpecting parents.”

But how does the Home Office expect to police the banning of french kissing?

“Easy. We’re going to surveil you. After Brexit you will have to apply for an “intimacy permit”. If you are successful you will be supervised during the times supervised for close contact. Some have called this a needless job creation scheme, but I refute that. We’ve already made enough civil service jobs just trying to find something sensible for David Davis to say.”

LCD Views welcomes all measures taken to encourage a greater sense of national identity for proper Brits, but we think banning french kissing is perhaps a step too far. It would have been more sensible to just retitle it as British kissing and be done with it.

“You know someone once suggested to me if we just asked the EU27 to rename the ECJ as the BCJ we could have saved ourselves a hell of a lot of expense and effort. But it’s too late now. The people had a vote.”

A new slogan is expected to accompany the campaign to raise public awareness of the ban on french kissing and letters.

“No tongues please, we’re British,” Ms Rudd nodded soberly, “that ought to do it. And if it doesn’t we’re going to have G4S detain you.”

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Labour celebrates win over Labour and says it’s a taste of the victories to follow

The Labour Party was in a celebra-tory mood last night following a headline catching win for Labour over Labour.

”It’s a taste of the victories to come,” A Sect, spokesman for the victorious Labour Party said, “we’ve shown over confident Labour it can be beaten, not only by the worst Tory government for generations thanks to our refusal to fight Nigel Farage’s vision for the United Kingdom, but also by Labour.”

The win was welcomed by their neocon stooge Brexit colleagues at Westminster.

”I’d like to personally thank Jeremy Corbyn for his timing of the win for Labour,” All The Conservative Party said, “people are starting to push to expose our possible and probable links to Cambridge Analytica. Labour’s win over Labour couldn’t have come at a better time. It buys us more time to shred stuff, burn things and invent a convincing message for how CA and Brexit campaigns are in no way linked.”

But it wasn’t all celebration. Labour’s Brexit spokesman Keir Starmer was found in a thoughtful mood.

”You know last Tuesday?” he asked LCD Views, “of course you do. You couldn’t be here if you didn’t.

Last Tuesday was the first day for as long as I can remember when Momentum activists didn’t tweet and retweet and email and pm ‘yellow Tory blairite shill’ at me. I was pretty upset. I’ve got some Stockholm Syndrome going on nowadays. But thankfully it’s going to be okay.

The old inbox is piling up with people this morning warning me not mistake the clear warning Owen’s fate holds for all Labour MPs about wrong thought on Brexit or anything else. So that’s nice.”

Surprisingly too Vladimir Putin commented on Labour’s win over Labour.

”I’m just glad Corbyn didn’t go all Owen Smith at me over the Skripal business. I didn’t realise at the time how lucky I was.”

This story will presumably unfold further over the next few days, but we’ll give A Sect the last word.

”We’ve replaced the broadchurch with a narrow chapel. You’re welcome to come inside, but you probably won’t be allowed to stay if you can’t think right.”

Excellent. The party’s electoral appeal must have changed noticeably in the last 24 hours. Keep up the good work.

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EU agrees guidelines for telling UK exactly what to do in the next stage of Brexit

The British political establishment was in a celebratory mood today, ably assisted by interesting interpretations on BBC Radio4 PM programme, as the EU announced it had agreed the guidelines for telling the United Kingdom exactly what it will do in the next stage of Brexit.

“Theresa May is bloody relieved I can tell you,” Downing Street insider Ms Getme Outnow told LCD Views, “she’s been fretting like mad that they’d keep her waiting till Monday and she’s just lost without EU setting out nice, easy to follow instructions for when and how she will concede and rub out her red lines. It’s nice to have a voice of sanity when you’re nominally in charge of an insane government.”

It’s believed the agreement on the guidelines will also give certainty to businesses of all sizes in the United Kingdom, anxious to know exactly when to strap on their parachutes as the UK’s combined political establishment hurl the country over the Dover cliffs.

“Let’s just hope no one brings up the Irish Border again,” Getme said, “because it’s bloody unsolvable. So we hope to take that little problem over the cliff with us.

That’s not to say the inheritance millionaires running England have an imperial mindset towards the Irish and couldn’t actually give a shit what happens over there.

They really do have a more compassionate state of mind. They anticipate the Irish buckling under and doing what they’re told by people like Rees-mogg. So it’s all going to be fine. Also, there is absolutely no threat to all the rights built up for the common man over the last several decades.”

It’s expected Ms May and her ministers will study the EU’s new do’s and don’ts for them going forward.

“I do hope their reading comprehension is better this time. The EU has essentially been saying the same thing for nearly two years, because they can, because they’re half a billion people almost and the most powerful trading bloc on earth. At least they’re staying polite. Which is more than we can say for Boris.”

Asked for comment on how Labour sees the latest development in the UK being lead like a confused and lost child to the end of its economy, a Labour spokesman said,

“Jobs first Brexit. Oh, and we’ve just sacked Owen for thought crime on Brexit.”

Jobs first Brexit continues to make about as much sense as Brexit means Brexit.

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Home Office bans french kissing for Brexit

The Home Office was in chaste mood today as it released a list of activities that are now banned on patriotic grounds to help make a success of Brexit.

“Number one, french kissing is over,” Amber Rudd, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ Dating Advice columnist, “french breadsticks are going too, as  one often leads to the other.  Sourdough will do well enough for honest British snoggers hereafter.”

But the addition of french letters to the list of proscribed activities and items caused criticism that the Home Office had not thought things through.

“Of course we have,” Ms Rudd replied primly, “we going to need a baby boom to replace all those foreign workers that are going home and taking their newly illegal activities with them.

French letters are almost certainly a French plot to undermine the great British birth rate. It’s much simpler just to ban them instead of having inspectors going around the country piercing each one individually with a pin. Even though that adds an element of surprise to unexpecting parents.”

But how does the Home Office expect to police the banning of french kissing?

“Easy. We’re going to surveil you. After Brexit you will have to apply for an “intimacy permit”. If you are successful you will be supervised during the times supervised for close contact. Some have called this a needless job creation scheme, but I refute that. We’ve already made enough civil service jobs just trying to find something sensible for David Davis to say.”

LCD Views welcomes all measures taken to encourage a greater sense of national identity for proper Brits, but we think banning french kissing is perhaps a step too far. It would have been more sensible to just retitle it as British kissing and be done with it.

“You know someone once suggested to me if we just asked the EU27 to rename the ECJ as the BCJ we could have saved ourselves a hell of a lot of expense and effort. But it’s too late now. The people had a vote.”

A new slogan is expected to accompany the campaign to raise public awareness of the ban on french kissing and letters.

“No tongues please, we’re British,” Ms Rudd nodded soberly, “that ought to do it. And if it doesn’t we’re going to have G4S detain you.”

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It’s subverting the will of the people to suggest the will of the people may have been subverted

“It’s subverting the will of the people to suggest the will of the people may have been subverted,” said Mr Con Jobb today, head of strategy for the Brexit focused charity F U EU.

Mr Con Jobb was talking after revelations broke in the media about the dealings of F U EU and a shadowy data mining company called Subvert Democracy.

”The dating app supplied to us from Subvert Democracy, and used by millions of facepamphlet users was an impressive and unseen way to harvest as much personal information as possible from as many emotionally vulnerable people as possible, to better manipulate voting intentions ahead of the EU referendum in 2016.”

But it’s said you broke data privacy laws in the process and may well have used the stolen data to unduly influence voters with emotional messages that had no relation to the facts of the matter being balloted?

”What’s your point?”

You’ve subverted democracy. It calls the validity of entire ballot into question.

”The people still had a vote. Just listen to any ageing male BBC political journalist. The people had a vote. They had a vote in America too. In many countries.”

So that’s okay then?

”It is if you’re a neocon sociopath intent on manufacturing a global economic disaster to deepen your political influence and get even richer.”

But you’ve subverted the will of the people.

”So?”

What do you mean so?

”You lost, get over it.”

Can you answer why it’s taken the Information Commissioner five days to get a warrant to search the headquarters of Subvert Democracy?

Is there any relation to the millions donated to the Conservative Party by the owners of Subvert Democracy?

”That sounds like a question better asked by the leader of the official opposition at PMQ’s.”

Fat chance of that.

”It’s useful, isn’t it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to the office. I’ve been told the Information Commissioner is due to drop by at 16:34 this afternoon and I’ve still some computer servers to burn in the car park.”

Thank you for your time.

”The people had a vote.”

Thats what they do, it’s called democracy.

”Not anymore. Would you mind ducking down to the petrol station and filling up this empty can for me?”