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“It’s better to have no rail service, than a bad rail service” Grayling hits back at whingers

“Timetable means timetable,” Secretary of State for Transport Chris Grayling stated earlier today to a press conference, that only featured his pet cocker spaniel in the audience.

The press briefing was a little forced as Mr Grayling is instinctively shy when involved in any area of government that he has been given responsibility for and immediately screwed up. Which of course means that Mr Grayling is always inherently shy.

“And we are going to get the best timetable possible for Britain,” he added, as the spaniel raced around the room like a child who’s had two litres of coke, “a timetable that works for all of our citizens, whether they are based offshore, or even further offshore.”

The move to reassure the travelling public, and the private individuals benefiting from a set of publicly subsidised, localised monopolies was timely, even if his dog was the only person to hear it first hand.

When questioned in a series of high pitched yelps what he was going to do to improve the staggering collapse of service with the introduction of the new timetable last Monday, Mr Grayling was adamant.

“It’s better to have no timetable than a bad timetable,” to that end, “we will be removing from service all those parts of the timetable that are proving unworkable due to interference from time itself, it seems, then we will restructure time so it works with our aspirations.”

So life as we know it will end? If you’re to be involved in restructuring how time itself operates?

“No time is better than a bad time.”

And you’re going to improve the lives of people stranded by cancelled and delayed trains by cancelling even more trains?

“No train is better than a bad train.”

He’s a deep pool.

“No pool is better than a bad pool.”

And if Mr Grayling is involved in any pool, we’re always in at the deep end, just look at this serial incompetent’s time in office. The man with the Midas touch.

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Man one week away from denying he ever campaigned for Brexit

LCD Views can report on the latest developments with the Faragenfurter after an exclusive interview today with Nigel Farage, conducted in a pet cemetery.

“Do you think this would be a good spot to bury Brexit?” Britain’s ingrown toenail asked us, “there’s a nice bit of shade from that oak close by? A good thing too. A proper British tree. None of that foreign muck.”

The ground looks a bit stoney, we suggested, good British bluestone though, none of that foreign muck. It could work. We could dig a test hole?

“I hope no one from somewhere far away buries their pet far right, tax dodging, completely shambolic, would have worked if May had got that increased majority last year as we could just have crashed out and cashed in, aided and abetted by malign forces and useful idiots, political project here.”

We asked if he was worried about not being able to eavesdrop on the conversations going on nearby, when coming to lay flowers on Brexit’s grave? Having understood that he claims now to have never have said Brexit would make the UK better off, just he had tenderly hoped it would make us all as racist and despicable as him?

“I’m not coming back after the burial,” Mr Farage rebuffed, “now look here, don’t you go saying I ever, ever suggested Brexit was a project the great British people should embark on.”

But you were the zombie king of Brexit for years?

“That’s fake news,” Mr Farage flushed, “in fact I will tell you now, no, no, no, don’t interrupt me, I will tell you now, in one week from now I’ll be denying I ever campaigned for Brexit to begin with.”

Can we print that today? Is this an exclusive?

“Nothing is exclusive about me but my adoration of Spode, Moseley and tooth brush moustaches.”

Can we print that in seven days?

“Only after I tweet it. Only an idiot would campaign for Brexit.”

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Government says it will keep digging until the lost Brexit argument is found

The Torykip lunatics pretending they know how to run a country into something other than the ground and tax evasion hit back today at accusations they’ve lost the argument for Brexit, in spite of shouting really loudly at everyone.

“Iain Duncan Smith hasn’t bloody helped,” Beter Tone MP for Gristle told us, “what’s with the fffing if you don’t like Brexit go and live somewhere else line? Jesus H Christ at a turnpike! If all the bloody remainers leave who is going to be left with the brains to sort out Brexit?”

A good question. But the Brexit lunatics are not without one or two ideas still? Apart from threatening to go kamikaze in parliament.

”Too right. We’re going to win back the lost argument for Brexit just as soon as we can find it,” the MP asserted.

You mean there is a reason for Brexit, other than tax evasion and keeping racists happy?

“If we have enough faith there is,” he replied, “I even heard a Tory MP coin the term ‘prosperity Brexit’, I want that one now.”

We heard that too. We almost broke a rib laughing. Unless it’s a negative adjective any Brexit is an oxymoron Brexit.

”Oh, that’s the issue. We’re already doing all the morons Brexit.”

So what’s the answer?

”We’re going to start digging under Westminster until we find the lost argument for Brexit.”

It’s going to be a very big hole.

“Largest open pit mine in Europe by the time we’re done,” Mr Tone said, “northerners are going to love it.”

I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

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BBC Brexit propaganda blamed on Imodium

LCD Views can report today after exhaustive study of all BBC news Twitter platforms that the corporation’s pro Brexit propaganda has been blamed on taking Imodium, day after day since June 23rd 2016.

”They really need to stop taking it and let all the crap flush out,” our broadcasting bias expert said, after studying the timelines, “you can see all these jokey comments on the actual day of the EURef. Various BBC presenters tweeting about how nervous they were about the all night coverage.”

It seemed the major concern was what to do if the result was inconclusive.

”They’d be forced to come up with some sort of coherent narrative at that stage, which didn’t worry the old BBC, but this one? It gives today’s BBC and it’s Tory placements in the hierarchy jammed in one by one by Dave “the wonder” Cameron the squirts. What to do if soundbites from ConHQ won’t pass off as news? Crikey!”

But it seems a well known public figure, Nigel Farage, also a heavy twitter taker, noticed the anxieties and the rumblings of loose bowels, the concerns about getting through the night, and decided to help.

”He was an angel to them,” our expert concludes, “not only has he generated most of the BBC’s unoriginal content for nearly a decade, totally cost free by and large, but in the moment of crisis he turns up with a lorry of Imodium he’d just happened to pick up while passing through Moscow.”

But it seems while solving the immediate concern of sitting behind a desk looking confused, it has had some unintended consequences?

”Yes. There’s concerns now it’s not the genuine thing and a knock off with certain habit forming ingredients in it.

There’s even reports of Today programme editors just grinding it up and snorting it before the show. And for those who are perpetually high on it it’s led to a real back up of crap that now comes out of their mouths. Very alarming stuff. The addict doesn’t even know it’s happening.”

So this explains why John Humphrys and Nick Robinson, and Radio 4 news broadcasters generally are so obviously pushing a line these days?

”Oh no, most of them are so fat from six figure salaries for years, such good pals with certain politicians, they’re just comfortably biased these days and naturally full of shit.”

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Idiot rushed to A&E with lock jaw after his vocal CAPS LOCK got stuck in latest Brexit outburst

Horror in central London today as beloved and beleaguered British chumocracy toast rack, foot stool and all round bowel complaint Iain Duncan Smith was rushed to A&E with lock jaw after his vocal CAPS LOCK stuck during Brexit outburst.

”It was horrifying to witness,” giggled a witness, “I nearly shat myself I laughed so hard when his lower jaw just jammed in place during a Brexit interview.”

It seems Irritable Duncan Smite Self In Face With Fist And Repeat was talking about using denigration, film flam, dismissal of reality and insults to bridge the growing divide in U.K. politics regarding Brexit when the calamity occurred.

”Clearly we all know now that only tax dodgers and fascists and geriatric revolutionaries who need complete chaos to progress from GO are going to benefit from Brexit,” an expert opined, “so Eerie Douchebag Shit is finding the going a bit rum when he’s wheeled out like an old veined cheese to berate and badger the populace to get behind Brexit.”

So deep now is the rhetorical deficit in support of the hard right, hard left, shake it all and ruin all about Brexit project now that Irritable Dickhead Smith is having to plunder the genius deployed online by kippers and biffers and bots in debates (loosely using that word) about Wrexitall.

”He got very worked up. He started squirming. He was frothing at the mouth some and then it happened. He reached in deep. He just shoved his head right up his own arse, got stuck at his shoulders and ploughed on regardless of the harm he was doing to himself and anyone watching.”

Is that when his jaw locked?

”Yes. He just finished shouted, flat palm raised, if you love the EU so bloody much why don’t you go and live there!!!,!!! and his vocal caps lock broke in the depressed position. I doubt he’ll recover.”

Doctors have advised they will be operating on Idiotic Dangerous S tonight in the hope of fixing his lock jaw.

”I have to correct you there,” the expert corrected us there, “they’re not fixing the vocal caps lock, they’re slamming his jaws together and nailing them shut. It’s what the Hippocratic oath calls for. It’s in Iain’s interests and everyone’s.” 

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Richard Madeley to be the new Speaker of the House of Commons

Cuddly lounge lizard Richard Madeley is being parachuted into the role of Speaker. The serene sofa dweller was offered the role following his brutal treatment of waffling Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson.

It is highly unusual, not to say unconstitutional, to offer this role to someone who is not a sitting MP. But this is Brexit Britain. Brexitannia waives the rules.

Madeley himself was surprised and a little nonplussed. “It’s a great honour, naturally,” he told LCD’s Random Appointments correspondent. “All this fuss over little me losing patience with a dissembling gobshite!”

Madeley is hardly in the premier league of political interviewers. He is more often associated with cosy chats on magazine programmes. His action in closing an interview because Williamson refused to answer a straight question hinted at an iron fist inside his velvet glove.

The elephant in the room who wandered into shot during the interview issued the following statement.

“Normally I can’t be seen, but the current situation has rendered me visible. I made a trunk call to Donald Tusk. He advised me to come down out of my ivory tower.”

Madeley meanwhile has promised to eliminate filibustering and outright lying. “And this childish jeering will be stopped too,” he added. “Miscreants will be obliged to watch me and Judy discussing whether Nadine Dorries’ books are as bad as her voting record with Gyles Brandreth.”

Current Speaker John Bercow was not happy. “A third rate, opinionated journalist doing the job of a third rate, opinionated politician! It’s a national disgrace!” he blustered. “They will eat him alive at Prime Minister’s Question Time! Although that actually sounds quite appealing upon reflection.”

And what do you think about Madeley’s proposed sanction?

“Oh my goodness. Being forced to watch Richard And Judy? If that doesn’t make them behave, nothing will!”

I’m an MP, get me out of here! starts filming next Monday.

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Adult movie star with an unsigned NDA now more aspirational career than POTUS, survey finds

In the wake of the ongoing episode between Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels, a new poll has revealed an eyebrow-raising new consequence. On being asked what they want to do when they finish studies, uni students and people undergoing mid-life career changes, replied “adult movie star” with surprising frequency.

A poll taken at Trump University, Reality Campus, revealed that while only 3% of the pupils had political aspirations, a whopping 17% wanted to star in porn.

University Vice Chancellor, Mr Big said in an interview:

“I can’t believe it. I know politicians are people everybody hates, but to think more people want to buy a webcam and work independently in movies, than sit on a toilet tweeting insanities while blackmailing allies? I don’t know how this happened?”

But it is happening. All across America, the national average reveals 23% of university pupils want to be porn stars, frequently citing Stormy Daniels as a role model. Barely 4% want to be politicians.

Asked how many want to become president, less than 0.1% expressed even the slightest enthusiasm, lending some truth to the old line of Clarence Darrow:

“When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become president – I’m beginning to believe it.”

It could be, too, that they have taken to heart the line by Douglas Adams:

“Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

In any case, it is clear that more people want to be a thorn in the president’s side when they grow up than actually be president. I guess Machiavelli had a point when he talked about the power behind the throne.

Or possibly the power behind the bedroom door and the power of David Dennison’s not signing NDA’s afterwards.

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Crowdfunding for man’s humble Mayfair crash pad only attracting donations in roubles

LCD Views can report this morning that the people of the United Kingdom are being put to shame by chaps from overseas, after the revelation that a crowdfunding drive for a humble Mayfair crash pad has so far only attracted donations in roubles.

“This is why I mostly put my modest savings in Russian banks,” the man told us, “they’re oligenerous. The lack of a robust rule of law is very attractive too, some may say, but I wouldn’t of course. Please do stop asking why I invest sod all in the U.K. when I’m supposedly such a champion of the place! It makes my eyes water.”

We won’t ask the hard questions. Just let you have all the exposure and will to power you want, regardless of your only qualification being a silver spoon.

”Let’s not talk about my £5M Westminster crash pad either. Let’s talk about how I was denied my favoured locale. How I’m struggling to right the wrong.”

Yes, it seems the poor fellow was allegedly forced to start the crowdfunding drive after his attempts to buy a property in Mayfair failed and he had to go for the aforementioned shabby 18th century townhouse in the Westminster slums.

“It’s not on,” he says, “this is supposed to be 19th century Britain and here I am struggling to find an affordable home for my growing family.”

People who are enquiring why he seems to have so much support from overseas are just adding unnecessarily to his troubles.

“I find the best interest rates on my paltry savings is to be found in sanctioned Russian banks,” he shrugs, “I’m also probably something of a useful idiot for certain creative people who know which buttons to push.”

Is greed a good one to push?

“Oh yes, most certainly, and avarice and actually envy.”

Nice to know. So what target do you need to hit to be able to move to Mayfair?

“Oh, it’s all a bit of a distraction really. It’s a fine line between emanating enough old world ruling class spirit to get the great unwashed to tug the forelock unthinkingly, to giving off a vapour which suffocates not only those about but my own vested interests.”

Where are those interests vested again?

“Not in Mayfair, sadly.”

Where?

“Russia and other ’emerging markets’,” the man answered, “anywhere but the UK, far too many laws and regulations you see?”

We do. Happy fundraising. Next time let’s talk about seamless and frictionless corruption in emerging markets, and how best to navigate all that, shall we?

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Poll reveals support for SNP at all time high in England

LCD Views can reveal this morning that the results of snap polling over the weekend reveals support for Nicola Sturgeon’s SNP at all time high in England.

“It’s the result we were expecting, to be honest,” poll master Professor Pole told us, “the cuddly face of nationalism has been seeing its light shine brighter over the last couple of years, but no one can work out why? It’s all very baffling. Presumably there’s an underlying political cause? What do you think? It couldn’t be the endless shitshower of useless English MPs in Westminster, aided and abetted, occasionally, by the DUP?”

Quite why the SNP has seen a surge in support within England maybe a mystery, but that wasn’t stopping us hitting the pavement only in London to find out why.

”Have you smelt Westminster?” Jo Blogs (all the time, across social media) asked us as by way of answering, “it’s a dumpster full of rotting fish and someone has filled it with petrol and someone else has set it on fire,

“This is why I am voting SNP at the snap general election soon after parliament votes to stay in the customs union riding a unicorn and put it to the people,

“Even if the SNP can’t logically stand a candidate in my constituency. I’m just plain jealous that the Scots might have a chance to escape endless Tory rule. It’s not an option we appear to have in England with old three dimensional foot shooter Corbyn running Labour.”

But surely the SNP are just taking advantage of the political chaos and confusion gripping England to further their own highly emotive agenda?

”That’s politics.”

It doesn’t make it right. They should be working with Theresa May to get her Brexit deal over the line.

”Like the burn it all DUP? Are you paying attention? Even the Brexiters voted against the deal, twice!”

Yes. Taking advantage of the chinks in the armour of the Conservative government, what’s that all about SNP?

”That’s what opposition parties are there to do! Expose the weaknesses and smash them. That’s how an adversarial political system functions. Brexit is a gift to nationalists. I’ve never had any truck with Scottish Independence before, but now? Get out while you can! Save yourselves! Wales too! Go on Northern Ireland, you know you want to! Cornwall! Raise the flag!”

We just need to give Labour/Abstention more time. They’ve totally out foxed the Tories.

”The Tories have outfoxed the Tories. Labour are just greasing the wheels of Brexit expecting the Tories to get all the blame, as if people don’t understand the role of the official opposition. That’s why I’m voting for Scottish Independence, even though I can’t. I dislike nationalism in any form as a rule, but right now I dislike English nationalism a lot more.”

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Brexit through the looking glass, darkly

Brexit means… well, what does it mean? In the world of smoke and mirrors, where nothing is real, it is scarcely glimpsed through the fog. Brexit is best viewed through a looking glass, darkly.

Gone are the rose-tinted spectacles. The castles in the air are ready to topple for good. It is safe to say that whatever Brexit stands for, the inverse is likely to be the truth.

Take the reliance upon unelected bureaucrats, for example. “Here we go again!” sighs Brussels insider Faye Sless-Minion. “Who, honestly, gets elected to do their job? Only politicians. The rest of us are experts. We submit job applications, get selected on merit, receive training. We are not dependent upon the whim of a fickle public likely to be contrary for shits and giggles.”

Experts. That word, which has become anathema instead of commanding respect. It could only happen in the looking glass world of bombastic narcissist Trumpty Dumpty. Trumpty is fond of the English language. Whenever I use a word, he explains, it means exactly what I want it to mean.

Meanwhile Tweedledum and Tweedledee are fighting like schoolboys over the Prime Minister’s job.

The white queen herself, her crown-bearing head looking ever more uneasy, still persists in believing six impossible things about Brexit before breakfast, dinner and tea.

Psychologist Dr Leah Vowt-Nowt tries to rationalize the mental state of the participants in this comedy of errors. “I like to hold up a looking glass to these people, so they can see how ridiculous they appear,” she said. “They say the mirror is lying, or that the image is too obscure. However, when forced to look, they enter into a strange place.”

Politicians transfer into a twilight zone of contradiction and paradox. This creates a psychiatric disorder, characterised by reversible amnesia for political identity.

“They start to utter nonsense that attempts to reconcile their opposing perceptions,” said Dr Vowt-Nowt. “I call this the ‘fudge state’.”

The characters blunder on, cheered by the gammon-faced crowd with their Anglo-Saxon attitudes, and abetted by the kindly white knight who keeps falling off his high horse.

The good news is that Brexit is still, somehow, proceeding. Even if it is in the wrong direction.