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Nigel Farage denies he ever claimed to be Nigel Farage

In a shock move Tuesday, former UKIP leader and seven times unelected parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage has denied that he ever claimed to be Nigel Farage.

Speaking live on his early evening radio chat show “Drive you round the bend time with Nigel Farage”, Farage denied categorically that he had ever confirmed that his name was or ever had been Nigel Farage.

“True, Nigel Farage did claim that Britain would be better off outside the EU. Yes he did support the claim we send £350m to Brussels every week and we should spend that money on the NHS instead. And he absolutely did claim that 70% of UK laws are made in Brussels when in fact it’s only about 13%, but did I ever say I was Nigel Farage? ” cackled a red eyed unshaven Farage casually slipping a small bottle labelled “serum” into the pocket of his silk lined cloak.

Breaking off from his demented monologue to take calls to the phone-in segment of the show, Farage, or “not Farage” as he claimed to be, was nonplussed by one caller demanding to know how he, Nigel Farage, as the host of his own radio show, named after him, Nigel Farage, could blithely deny being Nigel Farage, the person named as hosting the radio show, “Drive you round the bend time with Nigel Farage”.

Momentarily flummoxed and unable to answer, Farage announced a commercial break, returning a few minutes later clean shaven and relaxed.

“Well, it’s quite simple,” he coughed.

“I don’t know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a political butterfly, or whether I am now a political butterfly, dreaming I am a man,” he explained, paraphrasing fourth century Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi who he also confirmed he had never heard of. Probably.

“Either that or I need to have a word with my GP, Dr Jekyll, about this vitamin tonic he has me on…” he added.

In other news, Broadway producer Harvey Winebottle has confirmed that he is keen to cast Farage to play the lead role in his up-coming stage musical version of “Fanny by Gaslight”.

“Clearly Nigel’s ability to make the most outrageous statements and then blithely harass listeners into agreeing that he never said them, demonstrates an uncanny ability at “gaslighting” that can only benefit the show,” said Winebottle.

“While the rest of the title is something he is clearly, equally synonymous with,” he winked.

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Do or Die Brexit – Dunkirk sequel to be thousands of small boats bringing food back from France

Fantastic news today for lovers of living history with the announcement that famous Hollywood movie director Christopher Nolan has agreed to film the documentary sequel to Dunkirk in the winter of 2019, as it actually happens.

“In the sequel, currently being planned by a joint task force of both the governing Conservative party and the um, official, um, ah, opposition at Westminster, thousands of small British boats will race to France in the hope of returning to Britain with much needed food,” casting director, Mrs R Eal told us this morning.

“The movie ‘Dunkirk’ cost about $100M to make, the real life sequel is expected to run into many, many billions of pounds, but it will be listed in USD when it happens as the pound and the dollar will be at parity by then and the UK only days away from agreeing to be a subservient state of the United States under Supreme Commander Trump.”

It’s uncertain if British actor Tom Hardy will be involved in the real life effort to get around the delays at British ports once Doomsday Brexit occurs, with sources saying he’s more interested in preparing for the land based Mad Max sequel to be filmed on the Irish Border.

“We’ll try and get him back up into a Spitfire for the action in 2019 though,” Nolan commented, via an assistant, “if we’re determined to recreate the famous scenes from decades ago, in a desperate attempt to prevent rioting and revolution at home, we’re going to need to put something in the sky to keep the UKIP voters happy, as they have tried to appropriate any iconic symbol of the fight to defeat fascism and reboot it as a symbol for fascism.”

Worries about dangers to the small craft from commercial shipping in the Channel when the boats race to get food, as supermarkets shelves empty, are overstated though.

“There won’t be any commercial shipping crossing then because of the abrupt destruction of commercial freight,” the assistant added, “but we would advise anyone attempting the crossing the watch out for a giant Russian aircraft carrier which is expected to show up at the mouth of the Thames so Supreme Commander Trump can wave at us from the deck to celebrate the success of his master’s pet project. Mission accomplished.”

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650 MPs to decide next week just how gammony they want their legacy to be

The UK’s members of parliament are to vote on all the Lords amendments to the EU Withdrawal Bill next week. This asks the best minds the United Kingdom can assemble under one generous benefits package if they’d like to continue doing the job they’re paid for or be replaced by a giant rubber stamp? I was going to write “members to decide whether or not to firm up or just be a giant catalogue of dildos”, but that seemed crass.

“It’s a tough call,” one MP told LCD on the condition of anonymity, “thinking can be really hard. The option to carry on letting May and Davis and other titans do the thinking for me is pretty tempting.”

They also have to weigh in the risk of demanding parliamentary sovereignty over the minor matter of Brexit and risk the wrath of offshore tax exile media barons calling them traitors to democracy, a democracy said media barons feed off but arguably don’t help pay for.

“My brain actually hurts. I’m trying to please all of the people all of the time, and it’s really difficult,” J C of N Islington told us, “I’m actually very excited about a little party I’m throwing in a park a few days later. The whole country is slowly turning into a steaming pile of autocratic shit and I’m planning a party? Does that make me a commie? It’s better to sit this one out quietly in the corner and keep getting paid whether or not I do the vital job in a adversarial representative parliament that I’m paid for? A bit like a pampered domestic cat. An old one. One who likes the fire lit early in the afternoon. I let other people do the planning for me.”

Complicating the issue is the overwhelming anxiety of getting voted out at an election if they end up carrying a can hardly any of them think should be carried to begin with.

“Look. I had a friend who wanted to jump off a cliff. It was a very high cliff. I told them it was a bad idea. They said they were going to anyway, but could I give them a lift to the cliff as they didn’t have any bus fare.

So I drove them to the cliff. They’re still at the edge of it, last I looked, now I’ve got to decide whether or not I push them off, pull them back, or just hold hands and jump with them.

If I manage to land on top of them I might come away with only a broken hip. I’m sure they won’t survive the fall. It’s really difficult to decide what to do.”

Still, next week, they get to all decide together at least in a mad rush something that should be deliberated over for a very long time.

If they choose to become a rubber stamp it will make future choices much easier.

“I’m probably going to vote to become a big rubber stamp. That way, whatever happens afterwards won’t be my fault.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to finish reading this little article on ‘The Glorious Revolution’. I’m not really sure what that was all about. It was so long ago now.”

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‪Heathrow third runway to be built at Dover and used as lorry park instead‬

Job security for beleaguered visionary Chris Grayling MP, Secretary of State for Railroading (fmr) and Idiocy (current), and clarity for an anxious country with finality regarding the proposed third runaway at ‪Heathrow.‬

“Someone had to sort it out,” Grayling told us, in a field, off the M4, while he attempted to sit on a fence post, “I just took it by the scruff and shook it until all the trains fell out.”

And a good thing too.

LCD Views has occasionally been a little critical of Mr Grayling, but only to keep him on his toes because we know what he’s capable of.

“With this decision the people of Richmond, and Dover, will know that HMG is listening to their concerns. And not only that, it’ll settle those remoaners down.”

That’s a good use of a buzz word. Remoaners.

“John Humphrys taught it to me on a class he gave about understanding parliamentary democracy. It’s actually much simpler than everyone thinks. It’s just ask yourself, what would Paul Dacre do?”

John does with the paper review each day.

“Yes. Proper stooge. He doesn’t even know he is it. Just like me. But it’s perfectly straight forward when you get to it. Boy, what would we do without the insightful journalism of six figure salary John? Anyway, back to my achievements in office. You couldn’t help me stay on this post? It’s hard to balance. The tortoise shell patterned shell on my back is not centred properly. Weighted too heavily to the right. Far too right.”

We suggested perhaps a platform be placed on top of the fence post?

“Oh, I don’t think I’m quite up to managing another infrastructure project. What with finding other people to blame for the trains and the third runway, I’m already doing half a person’s job as it is.”

So the third runway is a go then? In spite of the concerns of Richmond? I have been to Richmond you know. It’s bloody noisy with planes low overhead as it is. Isn’t there another solution?

“Well, my parliamentary colleague that big blonde, buffooning bully who steamrolled a Japanese school kid with a rugger ball as part of diplomatic outreach, he’s threatened to lay down in front of the bulldozers if we start building it at Heathrow. And you know from his time on the big red bus that he means business!”

What have you decided? How have you squared this circle?

“We’re going to build the third runway at Dover and use it as a lorry park when Armagexit happens next March. Perfect.”

Two birds with one stone.

“Precisely. Better a turtle on a fence post than a coherent public policy infrastructure plan when your sole agenda is outflow of tax take to tax havens because you’ve dedicated yourself to a neoliberalised, billionaire tax dodger profit focused, narrow minded, incapable of holistic oversight policy platform I’d say.”

That’s a lot of words for you.

“I don’t understand what half of them mean, I must admit.”

It’s alright. We do.

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Elephant produces document with more detail than government Brexit white paper

Mrs Tusk, a twelve year old fictional elephant currently residing in a make believe Dover safari park, is being hailed as the next bright hope for promotion to service in May’s cabinet.

”It’s because of her deliberate creation of a document with more detail than any government Brexit white paper yet produced. Or to be produced,” an insider in the prime minister’s office told us, while we helped burn papers relating to scandals still to come,

“thanks for helping burn these documents. It’s a great relief most of MSM British media is so pro-Tory.

May would really be in the poop if everything she did as Home Office Chief Executioner 2010-2016 were to come out in a rush.”

Whether or not Mrs Tusk was willing to serve in May’s cabinet is yet to be ascertained.

”We’ve made noises that ivory trade bad. Elephant good,” the insider commented, “why wouldn’t the elephant serve? After we arrange a by-election, get her parachuted in as a candidate and elected with a majority equivalent to her weight.”

Maybe she would be worried that the intensity of line work and attention to detail, so evident in her work to date relative to government work, would be dismissed out of hand by Ms May?

”Well, that would only happen if it contradicted the government’s chosen policy agendas.”

So you mean to say if the papers Mrs Tusk produced were evidence based, rather than complete insanity solely designed to further neocon economics and normalise alt-right politics?

”Precisely. Wow. You’ve got a grasp. You fancy coming to work for us?”

I’d rather watch ‘Love Island’ all year without a toilet break.

”So that’s a yes?”

No. But good luck recruiting Mrs Tusk.

”Thanks. It would be lovely to have a real elephant in the cabinet. It might distract attention from the herd of metaphorical ones that are making it almost impossible to get any magical thinking done.”

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Home Office under fire for poor standard of graphic design on Doomsday poster survival guide

Sajid Javid found himself under fire today for something other than having to untangle his predecessors inhuman immigration policies after the release of a HO Doomsday Brexit Britain survival guide.

”Everyone is unfairly criticising the standard of graphic design on our new A4 size poster guides,” an unpaid intern told LCD Views, as we took them on a tour of our Human Resources department to show them what personnel files of people who get paid millions look like.

”We all worked really hard this morning to come up with the poster after Mr Javid said Ms May had sent a Mr Parkinson over to DExEU to threaten Mr Davis for lack of planning when Mr Davis has been urging Ms May to stock up on tins of baked beans for a week now.”

But how did the Home Office come into it?

”That was the Home Secretary’s bright idea after he saw on his WhatsApp group for post Brexit customs planning, all ministers are in one of two, that there was rising tension between Downing Street and DExEU over it.”

So he took the initiative to assist his colleagues?

”I think he was grandstanding personally, but as all other ministers are currently taking a nap and hoping all their troubles will be gone when they wake for lunch, someone had to act to reassure the public.”

I didn’t realise the official opposition front bench and leader were cabinet ministers too?

”Sorry?”

Everyone is asleep.

”Well, quite.”

So what is wrong with the posters?

”Apparently it looks like someone just smashed it together in a couple of minutes on a smart phone app.”

We can’t see anything wrong with that!

”Well, just so. But apparently the public expect a higher standard of design if you’re going to tell them to eat their cats to help make a success of Brexit.”

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Roseanne proposed as the new FLOTUS

Disgraced actress Roseanne Barr is actually playing a very clever game. With Melania Trump AWOL, moves are afoot to install Roseanne as the new First Lady.

“The row about a supposedly racist tweet conceals Roseanne’s true motives,” claimed insider Lou Stung. “The timing is perfect. With Donald’s approval ratings tanking, he needed a distraction.”

What has that got to do with Roseanne?

“Donald is married to an immigrant,” explained Stung. “It doesn’t look good. Why do you think Melania went ‘missing’? She’s a thorn in his ideology. Donald needed a true, patriotic, all-American redneck girl, who likes burgers, at his side.”

Why was Roseanne so interested?

“You mean, apart from the burgers?” retorted Stung. “The salary is far better than what her own show can afford. After all, it’s just another acting job. The dodgy tweet was simply part of her initiative test. She passed with flying colours!”

The White House was quick to deny the allegation. “Melania is alive, well and tweeting,” gobsworth Di Versionary-Tactix told LCD’s Trump Trumpet correspondent. “She’s up at her window, waving, look! And here’s her latest tweet.”

Tearing our view away from the empty window, we read: “Hi! Melanie here! I see the FAKE NEWS MEDIA have been spreading rumors again. Melanie is not dead. It’s a LIE! And anyone who says it’s not a LIE is a traitor. Sad!”

Who could fail to be convinced?

“Oh, that’s just Donald playing games,” countered Stung. “A great, bigly big wedding is due to take place on the fourth of July. It will be beamed live to every outlet of Donald’s favourite burger restaurant.”

McDonald’s?

“No thanks,” said Stung, screwing her nose up. “They give me the squitters!”

American flags and MAGA hats are currently selling like hot McCakes, in anticipation of the most bigly supersize wedding of all time. Put on your trackies, and settle down with a Big Mac and fries to cheer them on.

And as they walk through the golden arches, give them a small… I mean, a big hand. Raise your McFlurries to toast Mr and Mrs Roseanne Barr!

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Replace May with Satan’s stained Y Fronts to make a success of Brexit, Tory donor urges

A major Tory donor has today called for Theresa May to be replaced with Satan’s stained Y Fronts to make a success of Brexit.

What exactly does success mean when you’re talking about Brexit?

”Complete and utter shambolic calamity so I get to feel god like by helping cause chaos and having the knowledge of it coming allegedly make a mountain of money off the calamity before watching other people scramble about to rectify the instability and thus making even more money. It’s a hoot. You should get yourself some millions and try it.”

So that’s Brexit?

”In a nut shell,” he said, “although there’s also a shit tonne of racism wheeled about because that keeps everyone in their rightful place in the turning hamster wheel of disaster capitalism and greed for the sake of greed.”

Anything else in Brexit?

”The end of rule of law, with any luck. The squeezing of the fruit so I get all the pips and the lesser orders get to scrabble over and around the dried rind while blaming foreigners for there only being dried rind.”

So this is why you want to replace May with Gove?

”Yes of course. May is useless. Can’t make a decision, always prevaricating and taking advice from blinkered, ideologically driven, egomaniac, chumocracy risen idiots. When she does act it’s always the wrong choice as she’s waited too late. Satan’s stained Y Fronts would do what needs to be done.”

Because he fawns at the feet of mammon and will do as ordered in the hope of sucking out the dirt from under the toenails of said feet?

“Pretty much. Complete lickspittle in the face of autocratic power. Perfect place mat.”

How quickly should the U.K. put on Satan’s stained Y Fronts?

”Immediately! The whole long con is unravelling as we speak. Just imagine the giddy success of taking a representative parliament with such roots as the U.K., whatever its imperfections, and curdling it into a wasteland of small minded racist idiots giving all their money to the likes of me and thanking me for it?”

Not everyone can be manipulated like that. People will resist.

”Not once we replace the police with G4S on Brexit day! Now put both legs into the old pants and pull them up and ignore the stains so I can profit today, tomorrow and everyday.”

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We need to be free from the influence of unelected, unaccountable people in Brussels, says unelected, unaccountable person in the UK

Digby Jones is the latest pot to call the kettle black. The unelected, unaccountable Lord of the Realm is railing against EU officials doing their jobs.

Poor Digby has lost sight of some of the facts. The EU is governed the same way that the UK is. Elected MEPs debate and decide. Then civil servants work to make it happen. There’s a word for these civil servants, which may inform Digby’s prejudice. Experts.

LCD’s Parachuted Politicians correspondent spoke to friend and fellow Lord, Lady Lawdown, to gain an insight into His Lordship’s state of mind.

“He’s a crossbencher for starters,” she said tartly. “That means nobody has to sit next to him!”

But isn’t he an expert businessman? After all he was director general of the CBI, and made a lord so he could join the government?

“Yes, but nobody is quite sure how he managed it,” replied Lady Lawdown. “He has made a career of being kicked upstairs. Not so much CBI, more like CBA.”

CBA?

“Can’t Be Arsed,” Her Ladyship retorted.

“I am a Lord, which makes me both Right and Honourable!” Jones broke in. “How dare you!”

“Hush, Digby dear, you will go all gammony again,” said the Lady, consolingly. “It’s not a good look, the whole of Twitter will be mocking you. Here, put some pineapple on your face and chill.”

“Anyone fighting against Brexit is a destructive remoaner!” he persisted. “Traitors! Denying me my right to cream off even more taxpayers’ money! Stop being obstructive, and let’s just get on with it.”

“Digby, give it a rest. Have a fried egg,” soothed Lady Lawdown. “Parliament exists to smooth the process and come to a reasonable conclusion.”

“But, but, but, Parliament is a tyranny!” he exploded.

“Yes. And you are part of that Parliament,” she sighed. ”Now go back to your office, and don’t come out again until you have calmed down properly.”

Unelected Digby’s Tyrannical Parliament is imposing a destructive, illegitimate Brexit upon the country against the wishes of a huge swathe of the British People. That’s democracy, folks.

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DWP claim success as unemployment for clowns at record low

The Department for Work and Penury was proclaiming its latest success today after it announced that unemployment for clowns is at an all time record low.

”It helps that we’ve changed the way we measure clowning,” Mr R Eaper told LCD Views during a tour of a new workhouse, “now you just have to be appointed to the cabinet.”

So tell us about this new build?

”Once this factory is completed Global Britain will completely eradicate unemployment and the unemployed. We’re always looking backward for the solutions of today. Especially philosophically.”

Late 18th or early 19th century?

”Oh both. And 14th if you consider our deep, frothing at the mouth need to remove FOM from the poor classes. It’s nice our colleague’s running Labour are also committed to that gross reduction of rights for everyday people.”

Why is it that freedom of movement is so bad?

”The British people voted to make racism policy on the 23rd June 2016. We’re just delivering on what was ordered in the completely democratic opinion poll. It’s a good thing Jezza Corbistan is also signed up to that dogwhistle. Makes it a damn sight easier to sell.”

Okay. Next question. Will any clowns be visiting this shiny new workhouse?

”We’ll mostly be confining welfare debtors and their children here to make matches in the old fashioned labour intensive way. Keep those criminal hands busy at constructive work.”

Yes, but will clowns end up here?

”I guess one will turn up for opening day. Cut the ribbon. But mostly I expect them all to be busy for the timebeing employing their excessive personal wealth to ensure after Brexit they maintain individually their freedom of movement. Now, let’s have a look inside the big tent?”