LCD Views

A Brexiter taking part in a nationwide survey, conducted only in English counties without functioning train links to anywhere, says he knew he was voting for his off licence to be replaced by an armoured personnel carrier, when he voted for Brexit.

”They call me Brexit Dad round here,” Figel Narage said, “I’m a big supporter of Chris Grayling too. He’s an inspiration. How far can you rise if you’re exceptionally mediocre but have the right friends. Put that on a meme.”

And as to the potential consequences of a No Deal Brexit, twinned with a recession, plus a new complete incompetent in Downing Street, Figel is blithe.

”I knew what I was voting for when I used my OWN PEN to mark my X. I knew my off licence maybe replaced by an APC. If it’s to stuff the frogs and the hun, it’s worth it.”

And Mr Narage is similarly relaxed about disruption to life saving medicines.

”I’m not a diabetic, so what’s to worry about? People will be able to get anything they want on the black market. I read the other day that the Home Office is building hundreds of new coves in Cornwall for that exact purpose. I already buy my smokes on the black market. F*cking asbestos in bog roll, but they’re cheap. People need to stop their whinging and get behind Brexit.”

But what does he have to say to people who disagree with his stance?

”If remoaners keep running the country down on social media we won’t get the exact same benefits as we had as members of the customs union and single market. Which have no benefits anyway, which is why I voted for Brexit.”

As to the potential cost increase at his off licence once it’s replaced by nervous squaddies in an armoured personnel carrier?

”I’ll just bribe them. That’s how global Britain will do it’s business. Why do you think all the main backers are into emerging markets? Rule of law makes my super strength lager more expensive, not less, and I’m not having it anymore. Once we are free of the shackles of Brussels I’ll be able to swap a few porn mags for some powdered eggs. So quit your moaning and imagine the seamless possibilities of scrapping with a student for some lentils. It’s a bold vision and I’m embarrassing. Who needs experts.”

The U.K. might, mostly in disaster recovery? After we begin our No Deal Brexit?

”That sounds like treason talking,” Brexit Dad began to sidle away, “after Brexit, we’re going to make your type famous. Now get behind the illegally secured, narrow win in the advisory referendum of broken and abandoned promises that threatens to strip centuries of rights accumulation away from 99% of the population and crash the economy for the benefit of disaster capitalists and push!”

Push! Mostly with your elbows in the queue at the sandbagged and machine gun mounted off licence, but only after Brexit…it’s what the people voted for when they voted for Brexit.

The fierce and mighty executive that governs the empire of England has come in for a broadside today with the latest de-evolution of its continuing de-evolving Brexit proposals.

The much anticipated and all new ‘Three Stooges Brexit’ has been immediately slammed for not having enough positions for all the stooges involved in Brexit.

”Only three positions?” a Brexit watcher asked, “no room for Corbyn? He’s as gun-ho for running the U.K. into a lamp post, just like the rest. No room for Hannan, Farage, Banks, Starmer, Patel, Dorries, Chope? Well, the list goes on.”

It’s alleged that pretty much every noteworthy British politician currently shoving the Brexit boulder up the hill side, so they can loose control of it and watch it roll back down all over British democracy, is a stooge for an international clique headed by Putin and his bitch Donald Trump.

”What about Banks? Why isn’t he front and centre? Until he can prove all his impressive wealth wasn’t actually money funnelled from overseas to intentionally corrupt and destroy the rule of law in the U.K., he has to have a main cast role in The Stooges? Surely? And so many others.”

Other critics have targeted the title of the latest Brexit position by Downing Street and said “Useful Idiots” would be more appropriate.

Responding to the fire a spokesman for Downing Street hit back.

”Divide and conquer isn’t working for us in Brexit negotiations,” they explained, “although we’ll keep embarrassing ourselves by trying it,

”But given how famous Brits are for their amazing sense of humour we thought to use our humour as a weapon. If we can get that dour faced Barnier to crack a smile then we’ll definitely get free and open access to the single market without any of the obligations of membership.”

Screening of the British shit show will go on through the summer, no matter how often they stumble over each other, again and again.

”This is Global Britain in action,” the spokesman added, “just in case it’s not already obvious.”

The BBC has announced it is to celebrate the war efforts of famous British patriot Lord Haw-Haw in a special series of interruptions to what they now call journalism.

”It’s a high production special,” BBC commissions editor Nigel Farage told LCD Views, “and working hand in glove with start up production company Bannon and Johnson and Gove and Putin and Mercer and Wigmore and Banks and Assange and Patel and Bannerman and Koch and Koch and Le Penn and Grimes and Alan and Dorries and Rees-mogg we are going to make a success of it.”

It’s believed the inspiration for the special comes after the rip roaring success of the production special ‘Rivers of Blood’ by E Powell, which in no way was an irresponsible and ghastly thing to do as the fascists rise again in the Western Hemisphere.

”Lord Haw-Haw has been unfairly maligned by vested interests,” a random Tory MEP explained a day or two from now on Twitter, “I mean, both sides used propaganda during WW2. Why should one actor be deemed a traitor when the others were doing the same?”

Calls for a pardon are expected to follow the series of specials and even the potential of a statue on Westminsrer Green.

”You can see just how fucked the U.K. currently is with both main political leaders committed to the hard right lies and con of Brexit,” the random MEP accidentally added, “and now we have elected MPs campaigning on behalf of a patsy who broke electoral law, well, how far can we sink?”

The BBC has further added that a companion broadcast explaining that Lord Haw-Haw was working with the Nazi’s has been canned because it would risk ruining the new narrative they are helping the government establish.

World War Three is almost upon us. The signs are all present: a government out of control, the press propagating propaganda, and stockpiling food.

The only difference this time is that the aggressor is not the Germans. The UK is going, gloriously, to war against the UK.

The traitors, saboteurs and enemies of the people will line up against the moderates who would rather stay in the EU.

People holidaying on beaches are preparing to fight for the right to erect a blue flag.

A flotilla of lilos and other inflatables is being prepared to rescue valiant Tommy Robinson supporters from the sandbanks, cut off by the rising tide.

Ration books are being produced, secretly, on the cheap in France. They will serve no valid purpose, but will raise morale by having blue covers.

The cry of “Dig For Britain!” has gone up. This means trendy people in London will be able to harvest their own avocados by the time other food supplies are cut off next March.

Meanwhile in mainland Europe, amusement reigns. “Ve vill vatch vhile zey beat zemselves up,” said Hans Together, rubbing his palms. “And none of ze scheisse about ze Chermans putting towels down!”

“Eet ees, ‘ow you say, ‘ilarious,” agreed Cherie Picking. “‘op off, you rosbifs! And ’ands off le vin blanc and le Camembert!”

Hard cheese for the valiant Brits in their uncivil war is the message from Europe, it seems and only the devotees of the cult of Farage are surprised.

The BBC is doing its bit for the war effort. It is producing a special edition of Casualty, in which the patient is the truth.

The death penalty is being brought back, for “people we don’t like,” according to a government spokesman. People are rejoicing as traditional trades, like constructing gallows, return.

So the Wars of the Passports are due to kick off. It’s burgundy versus blue. Sharpen your rhetoric and polish your speeches. Don’t forget your tinfoil hats!