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British citizenship abolished as “anything that complicated can’t be democratic”

Downing Street made the announcement today. Unable to decide the status of EU citizens residing in the UK, or UK citizens residing in the EU, the government has instead simply decided to abolish citizenship completely.

“It’s too complicated an issue for my pretty little head,” tweeted media whore and neocon apologist Chloe Westley. “If you need to be an expert to understand it, then it can’t be very democratic.”

Westley is well known for her provocative tweets and frequent television appearances. Being young, unelected and Australian, she fits the profile of a loyal, democratic Brit perfectly.

Westley works for the Tax Payers’ Alliance, one of about a dozen so-called “think tanks” based coincidentally in the same property. Equally coincidental is the fact that these “think tanks” all promote a hard-right agenda. Chloe’s job is to draw the rage of the sensible, intelligent enemies of the state, who think that Brexit is a humungous pile of poo.

These “think tanks” have a disproportionate effect upon government policy. They are transparently funded by dark money to achieve shadowy ends. Ignore them and they squeam and squeam and squeam until the government is sick of them and adapts its policy accordingly. Chloe is like a squeamish Brexiter’s wet dream.

Subverting democracy is simple, which therefore makes it democratic.

Ditto abolishing British citizenship.

“I’m surprised this hasn’t occurred to us sooner, to be honest,” said Downing Street rent-a-gobshite Tom Foolery. “The idea is such a simple one. All men are equal! It’s democratic because it treats everyone, regardless of their origin or home, in the same way.”

The European Commission defines active citizenship as ‘Participation in civil society, community and/or political life’. “Which is why we have to get rid of it!” claims Foolery. “It comes from Europe. EU bad, UK good.”

And the 66m stateless ex-citizens? “Democracy was decided, once and for all, at the referendum,” repled Foolery. “Democracy is a return to feudal values and Merrie England. Democracy is a matter of simple obedience. Democracy is working all the hours God sends to put food on your overlord’s table. You had a vote, now shut up and accept the consequences!”

It’s that simple. Democracy is what we tell you it is.

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Liam Fox hired as frequent flier feature writer by TripAdvisor

Great news for fact hungry business and first class fliers today with the announcement that Liam Fox MP has been hired as the new frequent flier feature writer by TripAdvisor.

”It’s wonderful to see Liam get his own platform in the digital world,” an aide to the business guru Fox told LCD Views, “and here I was thinking he wasn’t even up to the job of being a shoehorn for someone putting on flip flops. Shows what I know!”

While the nitty gritty of the deal between Liam and the famous website are being kept curtained, it’s no doubt it will be a profitable one with the International Business Secretary turning his famed deal making prowess to feathering his own nest.

”I suspect there will be a lot of advice on how to correctly store your air miles,” the aide beamed, “under your mattress or offshore in a dark money tax haven, a piggy bank in your bedroom or even possibly as a kickback for an arms deal? I don’t know. I’m just guessing. It’s unlikely someone who’s only been forced to reign once for misconduct in a public office would have anything but above the board advice.”

As part of a taster for the new column Liam is expected to write about his highly successful trip to Japan this week to ask the Japanese to work against their own interests by begging the EU to undermine its own interests to help out Liam and his chums asset strip the U.K.”

If Liam can convince the Japanese to self harm to help the U.K. there’s no telling what he’ll do next.

We look forward to syndicating the column in the interests of all our many readers who have attained high office and are using it to do sod all but swan about the world in a plane, sipping champagne at public expense with aero expectation of a usable outcome at the other end.

”There is no telling what Liam will do next,” the aide agreed, “he doesn’t even know. He hasn’t got a clue.”

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Conservative Party membership surges past 10M after everyone told to “f*ck off and join the Tories then” by a Momentum activist does

The Conservative Party became the newest left of centre political party in the U.K. today, and the largest, as their membership topped 10 million after everyone told to “fuck off and join the Tories then” by a Momentum activist did.

”We expect to top twenty million by the end of the day,” Phillip Davies, MP for not protecting his constituency but favouring chipboard thinking, told LCD Views.

We spoke to Phillip during a tour of a timber mill, where he was shopping for a new head.

”I don’t mind telling you the 1922 committee is in absolute meltdown. There’s pressure to change our entire policy platform and rename the committee the 2018 committee. It’s blood curdling. If we can’t get a handle on events we will end up being the party that stops Brexit. Our soul will burn and we’ll just be ash.”

It seems the boost is solely down to the unique campaigning style of diehard supporters of Jeremy Corbyn.

”They’ve been advising anyone who raises a concern over the screaming disconnect in the thinking of a politician who claims to be a social democrat, but supports the worst hard right agenda currently going, to join us for the last couple of years. And people are, seeing no other way out. It’s horrible. They’re coming in such numbers they’ll change all our policies. How will rail privatisation succeed now?

”We’re suppose to be a nasty little clique who redirects the anger of the people we exploit. But now. I’m trembling.”

Corbyn supporters themselves were enraged by the unfolding events too.

”See! Yellow Tory Blairite backstabbing scum! When we screamed fuck off and join the Tories we thought they’d flock to us,

“You can’t trust these neocon stooges and their determination to resist the asset stripping of the U.K. by resisting the fascist agenda of Brexit. They’re supposed to drive Brexit forward with us, ruin the lives of tens of millions of people, so we get a revolution that will make anyone left alive after join hands in solidarity and red lentils,

“We should have deselected the Blairite MPs much earlier. Having scores less MPs wouldn’t have weakened us as those constituencies would have voted for whichever pure Corbyn fan we put forward for them. It’s just so obvious.”

Quite how Corbyn and his activists ever expected to gain power by alienating millions and millions of centre and left of centre voters is still unclear, by ignoring and/or supporting Brexit, but now it seems completely unobtainable.

”Which is just how we want it,” one told us on the quiet, “that way we can forever infight until we achieve purity. And we get to stay victims. We don’t understand power. Not a bit of it. It’s how we like it.”

Quite how the U.K. seems so far up shit creek without a paddle to this point, is anyone’s guess.

”It’s nothing to do with the leaders of both main political parties having committed to a brazen lie for ideological ends,” Davies clarified, “now, if you wouldn’t mind? I’d like a few kilograms of that oak stump for a head.”

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Lorry drivers will be happy with 13 mile tailbacks on the M20 because the British love queueing

This explanation came during an interview on BBC Radio 4’s Propaganda Today programme. John Humphrys interviewed a junior transport minister.

“What does the government say about the potential 13 mile tailbacks on the M20?” asked Humphrys. “We speak to junior transport minister, Chelsea Tractor. Good morning!”

“Good morning, Sir John!” simpered Tractor. “I’m so excited, everyone else has gone on holiday and left little me in charge!”

“Sir John? I don’t think so!” he replied.

“Just wait for the New Years’ Honours list to come out,” cooed Tractor. “You might just have a little surprise!”

You could almost feel her fluttering her eyelashes.

“Err, well, yes, I suppose it’s possible,” stammered Humphrys, caught momentarily off guard. “But we are here to talk about transport policy!”

“Oooh, I do love it when you’re forceful!” she twittered. “Go on, do the hard stare with the little twinkle!”

There was a slight pause, then they both burst into fits of giggles.

“OK,” he sighed, recovering his poise. “Now tell me why you think 13 mile tailbacks on the M20 are such a good thing.”

“It’s quite simple, John darling,” purred Tractor. “The British love queueing, and the tailback on the M20 will be a queue to die for!”

“But what about the drivers stuck in their cabs?” he asked.

“They will love it!” she whispered. “They work so hard, a bit of rest will be their reward. They can relax, talk on those CB radio thingies like in the movies, and have a bit of a nap.”

“And it they lose their place in the queue as a result?”

“Snooze you lose.”

“And are you not concerned,” he persisted, “about the noise, the pollution, the waste? This is the Garden of England! Surely this is a disgrace in the twenty-first century?”

“Hush, John, hush,” she said soothingly. “Just remember – the people had a vote. The people had a vote.”

“Yes. The people had a vote,” he repeated, calming down. “The people had a vote. All is well. Chelsea Tractor, thank you.”

The people had a vote. Nothing to see here. The people had a vote.

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Government orders RAF to recruit and train kamikaze pilots

News from the Department of Defence today as small time bully and full time felt made man Gavin Williamson has ordered the RAF to recruit and train a squadron of kamikaze pilots to make a success of Brexit negotiations.

The pilots will have extensive training in going high into the sky before crashing down into the ground, hopefully in Brussels.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson repeatedly told us, as he screwed up his mouth and attempted to glue a wing onto a model Spitfire,

“I’m certain the height we’ll reach will contravene numerous busy body nanny state EU regulations. Especially as we’ll be flying in special, modified Euro derivatives without CE labels. It’ll drive Merkel insane.”

The strategy behind the special squadron is an exact mirror of the current U.K. government’s Brexit negotiating strategy.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson clarified again, wing now stuck to his fingers and not the fuselage of the model.

It’s felt that once Brussels learns we are prepared to destroy ourselves just to harm them a bit they will back down and give us everything we are demanding.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson added, attempting to pull the wing off his fingers with his lips, but only succeeding in gluing his lips to his fingers, which remained glued to the wing.

Brussels will be warned that if they don’t realise we hold all the cards in time to prevent a No Deal Brexit devastating life in the U.K. then they’re for it.

Williamson was unable to add further comment, as he tried to apply solvent to the mess he’d created at his mouth, but accidentally picked up the superglue again and squirted it across the lot, thus succeeding only in rendering himself speechless.

”It’s just as well,” a military observer observed, “it’ll save Brussels the effort of telling him to shut up and go away. And remember as you crash into the ground and burn, the whole country is behind you.”

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Jacob Rees-Mogg proposes elegant solution to post-Brexit unemployment and fuel shortages

Jacob Rees-Mogg has come up trumps again. In the face of fears over loss of employment and fuel embargoes, His Mogginess has found a remarkable answer.

“These worries aren’t Project Fear, they are Project Opportunity! he crowed. “I have a solution which is as elegant as my Sunday attire. Each faithful Brexiter will be able to employ four stout yeomen. He will pay them using his Brexit Dividend. These yeomen will cheerfully transport the faithful Brexiter to wherever he needs to be.”

They will still need to be fed and watered, though.

“Naturally,” replied Moggy, cattily. “With all the crops being unharvested, due to the regrettable shortage of diesel and prohibition of immigrant workers, one of the four yeomen will be despatched to the fields to forage. The remaining three can bear his share of the burden, and rejoice!”

Rees-Mogg had another ace up his immaculately tailored sleeve. “Naturally, we will also see a renaissance in traditional craftsmen,” he claimed. “For example, woodworkers. Carpenters. Cartwrights and wheelwrights. Constructing traditional litters and carriages!”

What about distribution of imports? Assuming there will be any.

“A lorry has, what, twenty horsepower?” Jacob floundered. “That means, twenty faithful serfs with a horse and cart can be sent to Dover to bring home his Master’s share of the goods. The horses can graze the 13 miles of hard shoulder along the M20, and the manure can be collected and sold!”

So much for the disenfranchised menfolk. What about the women?

“The women will do what women have always done,” replied Rees-Mogg, sighing with relief, on firmer ground now. “They will stay at home, create delicious meals using only grass and mud, and die gratefully in childbirth.”

So the wheel of fortune turns. What goes around comes around. The non-industrial revolution is almost upon us. We got our feudalism back. God bless you M’Lord.

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Jeremy Hunt to undergo exorcism after confirmation of possession by Boris Johnson

The current Foreign Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, is to undergo an exorcism later today after confirmation of his possession by the disgraced Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson.

”We were immediately suspicious when Boris Johnson announced he was resigning as Foreign (to the truth) Secretary,” Brexorcist Re Ality told LCD Views, “it seemed more like something the devil would do. That being a devilish trick. Pretend to resign, but actually stay in office in spirit form waiting to possess the next encumbant. This is because the Boris Johnson body is now recognised as a total laughing stock. Whereas the new form was just a laughing stock.”

But suspicions were raised soon after Jeremy Hunt begin his official duties when he failed to recognise his wife while on a taxpayer funded trip to beg the Chinese for money.

”Boris doesn’t know who his wife is,” the brexorcist said, “which is why he has a history of thinking other women are his wife and acting accordingly.”

The gaffe by Mr Hunt was an exact match to the behaviour of Boris Johnson in another way too.

”Can anyone think of an act by Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary that didn’t embarrass the U.K.?”

No. It was one long disasterous cringe.

“Mr Hunt is determined to carry on this way because he is almost certainly posssssed by Mr Johnson.”

Are there any other signs?

”Yes. He’s gone to Europe and made an idiot of himself attempting to threaten the Germans and French. And now at Conference he’s gone full Boris.”

Anything else?

”He’s been witnessed walking like a crab.”

More?

”His weird eyes are swivelling and he keeps demanding cake. Oh, and he’s dying his hair blonde and refusing to comb it.”

Next he’ll be taking up cycling.

”Can you imagine the terror on the streets?”

So what’s to be done?

”We’re going to strap him to a bed and hit him over the head with a fat old bible flown in from the Vatican especially until Boris Johnson leaves his body in a spray of green projectile vomit.”

And what happens after?

”Then Jeremy Hunt will be our Foreign Secretary.”

And this will be better how?

”Bugger.”

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NHS declared fit for Brexit as pieces of good biting wood stockpiled to replace painkillers

The government declared the teetering NHS fit for Brexit today as plans were revealed to stockpile pieces of wood in advance of any Brexit.

The wood will be supplied by the head of David Davis after application of a chisel, and also the mass purchase of recently redundant Swedish forests, made available by forces that have no link whatsoever with global warming.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views, recently upcycled plank Matt Hand-Cock MP gave details of the reassuring measures.

”We’re measuring the pieces of wood in inches,” Hand-Cock said, his hands under the table for the entirety of the interview, “and we’re bringing traditional pain relief back to the National Health Service, which I don’t mind saying lost its way under the last Labour government.”

It’s unclear if the pieces of wood will be single or multi-use.

”Definitely multi-use,” Matt Hand-Cock interrupted, “that’s one of the benefits of Brexit. The burning of the pernicious, nanny state red tape that stopped people contracting easily preventable diseases. That was no good. Immune systems need to stay in training, just like athletes.”

The pieces of wood will be multi-use, the Department for Health has very recently clarified, which will lead to the sort of cost savings that could buy say, seven luxury flats to forget about.

”And furthermore, people won’t even need to visit a pharmacy for pain relief after this measure comes into play,” Matt Hand-Cock said. “all they will need to do is search their local woods for suitable timber and then you can even amputate that post Brexit, pus filled, diabetes ravaged limb in the comfort of your own home.”

The navy is said to be especially excited, as endless cuts to defence have left them wondering how they’re supposed to supply all those shiny new boats.

”Not having to buy painkillers for the ship surgery is a total boon of Brexit,” said an admiral speaking from the early 19th century, where Brexiters live.

Medical groups have voiced some concerns over the measures, but as Gove would say, the people have had enough of experts.

”Just mind the splinters,” Hand-Cock advised, “as there won’t be anymore dentists. Now get ready to embrace the feeling of woody sovereignty that will come with Brexit.”

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Gamekeepers to remove horns from unicorns to protect them from poachers

The desperate news comes from a unicorn reserve at a secret location in Brexittania. Greedy poachers, unable to wait any longer for their Dividend, have found the reserve.

LCD Views managed to secure an interview via a massively encrypted live link routed via Moscow.

“The unicorns are endangered,” said gamekeeper Annie Malhunter. “We try to protect them at any cost. It’s the horns which are particularly attractive to poachers, so we remove them as humanely as possible.”

Why are the horns so valuable?

“They are supposed to have magical properties,” replied Malhunter. “They solve paradoxes like how to fund public services properly while abolishing taxation, or creating a frictionless hard border. They are reputed to be able to turn the UK simultaneously into both Little England and Global Britain.”

How do you remove the horns?

“First, you have to catch the unicorn,” said Malhunter. “Which is difficult, since they are secretive to the point of being fictional. Then you chop off the horn with a cold chisel, and slap a ‘My Little Pony’ sticker on their flank.”

And what do you do with the horns?

“I’m not authorised to disclose that,” said Malhunter, pointing to a portrait of Vladimir Putin and a pile of roubles.

Is there any other way to discourage the poachers?

“Of course. We lay a false trail of bullshit,” Malhunter explained. “There’s no end of it around here, which is odd given that this is a unicorn reserve.”

Going undercover, fearlessly, we soon located the reserve due to the stench of manure. We soon found an equally fearless poacher named ‘Guy Kell Mauve’ striding through the bullshit. None of it stuck to him, even though he was wading through great heaps of the stuff at times.

“I’m last man standing!” Mauve boasted. “’Blondie’ fell on his sword, and ‘Fagash’ never leaves the pub these days. Softly, softly, catchee money! I mean, unicorn…”

We left Mauve to just get on with it, as he was, in reality, mired in a labyrinth of contradictions.

Meanwhile a new movement, called Save The Unicorns, has sprung up. It consists entirely of hordes of angry, determined, four-year-old girls.

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Defiant Labour demands “a” No Deal Brexit instead of “the” No Deal Brexit

A defiant Labour Party rocked the government today with its call for “a” No Deal Brexit instead of “the” No Deal Brexit on offer from Downing Street.

”What do we want?” Keir Starmer demanded, white flag in hand, as he rallied the troops outside the locked gates of Downing Street.

”An official opposition party worth the f*cking name!” random passers by responded.

”No. We want “a” No Deal Brexit,” Keir shouted back, waving his flag, “not “the” No Deal Brexit on offer by our colleagues in government.”

Keir was alone in his protest because Jeremy was asleep, Tom was polishing his Facebook account and the rest of the party was either wringing its hands over whether or not to split, or wondering how much more support they could garner by further infighting over anti-semitism, and which MPs they should boot out for various other, unrelated reasons to do with having actually been electable once.

The timing of Labour’s brawl with itself is important, as it provides a classy symmetry with the Tories unending brawl with themselves over how racist they can make the U.K. before the union fractures and leaves some thing called Little England looking like a cyst on the European rump.

When asked by one of the constables on guard at the Downing Street gates what the difference was between “a” No Deal Brexit and “the” No Deal Brexit, Mr Starmer froze for a few seconds.

”I just say what they tell me to say so Seamus doesn’t organise my local party to de-select me.”

But our exhausted political analyst was able to supply some details.

”Sod all. We all still starve slowly and no one likes us internationally anymore, which makes our life really much harder because we’ve thrown away all our leverage and shat on the goodwill of our allies.”

Wow! I know which No Deal I want!

”It’s actually a real puzzle why Labour have offered their version of No Deal now. Especially as the government are now trying to not publish the horrifying details of what no deal means. You’d think if Labour really wanted to take government they would go full in opposition to Brexit, to defend the most vulnerable, and watch the Tories crumble like a vampire exposed to sunlight.”

Why don’t they oppose the Tories at their weakest point?

“You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”

But now that there is a mountain of evidence of the negative to come from Brexit, lies, criminality and external corruption from overseas powers?

“You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”

Come on Labour, we want “the” official opposition party back. You can smash this toxic shitshow in Downing Street by smashing Brexit.

Why are the Labour leadership determined to float downstream with all the corrupt Tory MPs and assist in making Farage’s vision for the U.K. a reality?

Why are they doing it?

”You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”