Posted on

Nigel Farage runs from London Mayor

Making plans for Nigel? Ecstacy. The oxymoronic bigmouth has vowed to bravely run away.

Sitting on the fence in a shy, retiring way, as opposed to his normal bluster, Farage was initially coy about whether to stand or scarper. “Certain people have encouraged me to get lost,” he admitted. “But I haven’t made my mind up yet. I still have a cushy number on LBC and seven months of drawing my salary as an MEP.”

But the man who campaigned so hard to ensure he lost his job is demonstrating that unique talent again. He is now poised to flunk the opportunity to become London’s Mayor in triumph. What persuaded him to get off the fence? “Splinters in the bum,” he revealed.

“Who wants to be London Mayor, anyway?” he spouted. “The post attracts idiots, chancers, and Sadiq Khan. The Inflatable Mayor! Can you believe, he is allowing them to fly a satirical balloon mocking him? Like they did with my old mate Donald Trump, whom incidentally I’ve never met? He’s let himself down!”

Nigel is reliably full of hot air. Puffed up with his own importance, he blew his audience away breezily. “Gone with the wind, that’s my motto,” he insisted. “I’m thinking of becoming UKIP leader again, just so I can resign in protest.”

His face was a picture. One that nobody wanted to buy.

Farage insisted that he could never win the all-important backing of the People of the Metropolis. “London is far too multicultural these days,” he protested. “Multicultural people elect a multicultural Mayor. London is at Breaking Point. You can see what chaos ensues when you allow People in from all over the world and give them a Great British vote. A normal, typical, entitled, middle-aged white bloke doesn’t stand a chance these days, so I’m doing a runner for the good of the capital!”

Exit Mr Brexit. Stage right. Pursued by a bear, with any luck.

Posted on

Overpriced novelty dartboard fails to sell at auction

A novelty dartboard has failed to sell at auction in spite of featuring the portrait of one of the 21st century’s best known caricatures of a human.

Bidding for the board was expected to be intense, especially amongst collectors of memorabilia from 1930’s and 1940’s Germany.

”We figured internet bidding would have been very extreme,” an auction house representative told LCD Views, “like far, far right out there. But it seems the expected collectors didn’t turn up on the day, presumably because even they had better things to do than throw money at the novelty dartboard. Like donating to the defence funds of convicted fraudsters.”

Further perplexing the sellers was the fact that no one wanted to buy the dartboard for the express purpose of throwing darts at the smug, self-deluding, hate peddling little Kremlin stooge featured.

”It seems no one even wants the image in their house,” the rep shrugged, “probably worried about what people would think if they inadvertently saw it on your wall? What would it say about a person and their judgement? Especially if it was mistaken for a serious portrait? That could potentially be very embarrassing.”

What will happen to the novelty dartboard now is anyone’s guess, although we did suggest just giving the dartboard to the individual featured?

“No. That’s no good. He can’t stand to look at himself.”

Then donate it to a good cause?

”It definitely couldn’t be donated to a good cause. There are no good causes associated with the individual pictured in the portrait. None whatsoever.”

Posted on

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is a fine British tradition, says Brexiter

Brexit is the Best For Britain! is the cry. Moreover, it fits neatly into an ancient British tradition.

“There are many defining characteristics of the British,” said Brexit lover Al Bymyself. “Self-deprecation. Excessive modesty. Bad puns. And snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is the cherry-picking on the cake!”

The cake that you both have and eat, no doubt.

“A paradox! Yes, we love those,” agreed Bymyself. “Taking over two years to secure the easiest deal in history! Frictionless trade means converting motorways into lorry parks! Untold riches from an Adequate Brexit.”

Bymyself’s conviction wasn’t exactly overwhelming. Nor, to be honest, was it whelming either.

“It’s a question of playing your cards right,” he repled. “Shuffle, deal. Or no deal. No deal is a good deal better than a bad deal. Deal with it!”

But, surely, the EU holds the better cards? Our wildcard, Boris the Joker, didn’t win any tricks.

“We have an ace up our sleeve!” Bymyself persisted. “If the EU refuses to fold, we whistle up the Special Relationship and Trump them.”

I can’t help thinking about the fact that last time the UK begged the USA for help, it was to achieve the pyrrhic victory that was World War 2.

“And look where that got us!” he replied doggedly. “We need a defeat. The British people love a plucky loser. This country used to be the dog’s bollocks. Now it’s a dog’s breakfast. We’ve gone from top dog to underdog. It’s barking. Mad dogs and Englishmen, as they say.”

So there it is. Years of dodgy refereeing decisions, losing on penalties, middle order collapses. We’re used to it, it’s comfortable and familiar, it’s part of the Great British Psyche. Handshakes all round, jolly good show, old boy. Let’s have a nice cup of tea.

Our insecurity makes us feel secure. This is Brexit.

Posted on

Theresa May signs historic trade deal with Nambia

Theresa May’s negotiations with African nations have at last borne fruit with the announcement of one new trade deal.

Standing outside Number Ten, Mrs May held aloft a piece of paper announcing a major new trade deal with Nambia.

“The people of Nambia have welcomed the trade agreement with the UK,” she said. “For centuries they have been an isolated people, without any trade deals with any other country in the world. Now that has changed, and they can sell their resources to us for a pittance, while we can rob them blind. It’ll be just like the Empire days all over again.”

Nambia is rumoured to be the world’s chief producer of covfefe. When asked about this, Mrs May confirmed:

“Covfefe was top of the agenda from the start. It was vital that the UK secured the sole rights to this product so we can corner the market as the seller of Nambian covfefe. I had a cup down there and believe me, Nambia make the best covfefe in the world.”

Critics have struggled to locate Nambia on the map, but Mrs May was quick to brush them aside.

“This is the first of many lucrative trade deals with African nations,” she said. “We have initiated talks with Buranda already, which we expect to produce another valuable agreement, and I know that the people of Zimbala are just dying for a trade deal with us – literally, as they have only just regained their democracy after the death of the dictator who ruled them for decades. Ideally we would have preferred dealing with him, but timing is everything. We’re looking to start negotiations with them just as soon as Boris is safely away from the negotiating table. I know he’s no longer foreign secretary but I still don’t trust him not to put his foot in it.”

As for the possibility of trade deals in Europe, Mrs May was optimistic about the possibility of one European deal, with Ruritania, if King Rudolph sobers up enough. And if he can’t, then there’s always his English double to stand in for him.

Posted on

Think tank representative tells dinosaurs to relax about incoming comet

A prominent think tank representative has used a time travel device to tell dinosaurs concerned about the mass extinction of their livelihoods thanks to an incoming giant comet to relax.

”You need to focus on the upsides,” Theresa May told a Tyrannosaurus Rex, while visiting Gondwanaland to promote trade between her finanical backers and the soon to be wiped out carnivores.

”As I understand it, in spite of many of your current species still at the forefront of evolutionary success, the primeval Earth overwhelmingly voted for a mass extinction event by virtue of its trajectory in the solar system coinciding with a great big comet smashing into the Gulf of Mexico. With vim, vigour and sheer bloody luck some of you will survive this event and millions of years from now have evolved into something important again.”

Ms May, will known for her work on the modern planet for furthering the interests of shadowy think tanks with aims not always too transparent, while listening to their press releases in the form of BBC news bulletins, had more than just reassurance on offer during her visit.

She was also carrying a suitcase full of munitions for any dinosaur that wished to better arm itself for peacekeeping purposes in the minor calamity that might follow the comet crashing into the planet.

”Just like Brexit, this comet’s impact is completely unavoidable, unless you’ve had the forethought to move significant assets offshore and position yourself to profit off the instability to come.”

With that she stepped back into the time machine, but was seen to hesitate before choosing a new destination and time.

”The 1950’s UK or 2019 and the Caymans?” a watching stegosaurus reported, “she seemed to be attempting to navigate to both.”

Posted on

Germany to repossess Royal Family after Brexit

The consequences of an ever-impending Brexit are still being discovered at a shocking rate, but the latest revelation is perhaps the most controversial yet – the royal family are to be repossessed by Germany.

The Queen and her relatives are historically German, and have been ever since the house of Hanover ascended to the British throne in 1714. But now they are facing extradition to their fatherland, in a move that has divided the country like nothing before – well, apart from Brexit of course.

In a prepared statement released to the media this morning, German chancellor Angela Merkel explained:

“The British Royal Family are a historically German institution and will therefore be reclaimed by their fatherland. We shall not be requiring them to actually rule the country, so we shall simply retain them as attractions for the tourist trade.”

The loss to the British tourist trade has been calculated at £350 million a week.

Of all the consequences of Brexit, though, this is the most divisive. Staunch leave voter Roy Allist commented:

“It’s disgraceful, they’re our royal family, not Germany’s, they have no right to just take them, we voted to get our sovereignty back, and now they’re taking that away from us! I think we should declare war over this!”

Meanwhile remain advocate Ree Publey-Cann said:

“At last, one useful thing is coming from Brexit – the royal family undermine the very concept of democracy. We’ll finally be rid of them!”

Most interestingly, the division of opinion does not have any specific correlation with the Brexit vote. There are people on both sides wanting to keep the royals, and also people from either camp happy to lose them.

Theresa May has been unavailable for comment on the matter, although she was reported as rubbing her hands in anticipation at the thought of being in power without a monarch to answer to. What actions she might or, more likely, might not take to prevent this are a matter for speculation at this point.

Posted on

Downing Street refuses to confirm its refusal to confirm, its confirmation of a refusal

Ten Downing Street Wednesday refused to confirm whether it had refused to confirm something which may or may not have been a confirmation of a refusal to confirm anything.

Speaking to LCD Views, a spokesman, or possibly spokeswoman confirmed only that he – or indeed she – was speaking to LCD Views and declined to confirm any of the details of the conversation that may or may not have occurred.

“And by “may”, I am of course not referring to the prime minister, but of course you “may not” quote me on that,” he confirmed, or possibly she refused to confirm. Probably.

Refusing to confirm whether or not he or she was commenting on recent reports that the government is refusing to confirm whether it will allow MPs to see a full economic analysis of the impact of a “No Deal Brexit”, they, that is the non gender specific spokesperson, commented only that this was an issue on which they were unable to comment.

Despite of course having, by definition, already commented by refusing to confirm whether they were indeed commenting. Or not.

This veritable Olympic standard example of denial and obfuscation took place in the wake of a warning by UK chancellor Albert Hammond, that not only does in never rain in Southern California, but also that Brexit is a jolly bad idea which is really going to screw things up big style for rather a lot of people, and some, and we’d all be far better off forgetting the whole thing.

An issue on which the spokesperson was considerably more forthcoming.

“Fer fuck’s sake, if the analysis was even remotely positive The Prime Minister would be personally plastering the best bits across buses and driving round with sirens blazing, instead of dancing round Africa a like a demented teenager on her first half of cider,” they said reaching for their passport and air ticket and zipping up a small holdall containing large wads of 500 euro notes.

“Why do you think Nigel Farage has applied for German citizenship and half the Tory Grandees have buggered off to live in France – they aren’t stupid, ” they added.

Posted on

New study of Bayeux Tapestry reveals King Harold’s last words

A new study of the Bayeux Tapestry by DExEU has revealed King Harold Godwinsome and Godlosesome’s last words.

Harold is famous for becoming king after the untimely death of Edward Couldntkeepasecret in 1066, telling the French to get stuffed, as they also wanted to be king after Edward, every last one of them, even the girls.

Due to this deadlock in cross channel opinion there was a bit of a scuffle relating to who was going to be king and Harold was killed.

Predominantly, historians agree, because his people didn’t believe in him being king enough.

The fresh look at this most famous of English wall carpets was undertaken by the DExEU department following an order direct from Downing Street.

”Theresa just knew that in the iconic moments of British history, which stretches back into the dawn of time, there would be numerous examples of events viewed as world ending at the time, but later revealed more truthfully to be not the end of the world after all, especially if you had the sense to belong to the right group of vested interests,

”Kind of like now with Brexit and neocon, autocratic asset strippers pushing it, who see the nation state as a thief of the wealth they inherited through their own hard work via taxation to pay for public assets they enjoy but shouldn’t have to pay for, as the public shouldn’t have any assets.”

It’s believed the discovery of Harold’s last words, stitched into the fabric nearly one thousand years ago, but surprisingly overlooked until recently, will bolster Ms May has she attempts to sell the economic vassalage of the once Great United Kingdom of Britain to its people.

”We’ve got as much chance of getting a good deal with Brussels as Harold did with William the Bastard,”  the Downing Street spokesman told us, “and yes, with our intention to end the world of U.K. car manufacturing as we know it, we’ll also be recreating the harrying of the north post Brexit.”

Posted on

Raab confirms Satnav won’t work after hard Brexit

Brexit minister Dominic Raab Monday confirmed that UK satnav systems will stop working after a “Hard Brexit”, unless the government manages to negotiate a special dispensation to continue using the European Galileo satellite navigation system.

“We paid over €1 billion as our share of the development and operational costs of Galileo so by rights we should be able to continue using it,” he said complaining that Brussels was invoking a clause in the contract for Galileo which blocks it from being used by most, but not all, non EU members.

“Norwegian fishermen can use it for hunting whales, even though Norway isn’t a member of the EU and Wales is, but after March 29th British minicab drivers will be forced to drive blind,” he said.

Raab accepted that after Brexit there are likely to be fewer EU nationals driving minicabs meaning there is a greater chance of drivers actually knowing where they are going without cheating.

However he warned that the government is considering taking retaliatory action such as  removing all the road signs in the south east of England to confuse lorry drivers arriving from the continent, and painting fluorescent monster faces on the inside of the channel tunnel to scare arriving tourists.

“Fair’s fair..” he explained.

Raab also confirmed that road atlases based on Ordnance Survey maps, will continue to work, but those from continental publishers such as France’s Michelin, or Germany’s Euro Atlas will need to be destroyed as they are marked in kilometres,

“We will be arranging door to door collection, to prevent further possible watering down of our domestic mile denominated maps,” he explained.

Commenting on news of the satnav ban, prime minister in waiting Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested that this was just the sort of typical Brussels duplicity that had brought the UK to leave the European Union.

“How very dare they think that just because they have an agreement with us, they have the right to enforce it,” he purred, adding that Brussels may have inadvertently shot itself in the foot.

“They think they can scupper Brexit by endlessly wittering on about the Irish border – but without satnav no one will be able to find it – problem solved,” he smirked, oleaginously.

Posted on

A rabbit in the headlights demands U.K. gov step down as they’re giving him a bad reputation

LCD Views has heard today from a rabbit in the headlights who is demanding the U.K. government step down with immediate affect, as they’re giving him a bad reputation.

”To be fair my reputation wasn’t that good to start with,” Mr A Rabbit told us, “but since the 24th June 2016, when WonderTory Dave made a dash for it, things have been getting incrementally worse day by day.”

Mr Rabbit now fears the stain on his low reputation may soon be so difficult to remove he’ll have to wait to be run over with Theresa May and her cabinet of talents.

”You see her stood there day after day with the big, red Brexit bus barrelling down at her at top speed and you want to shout GO!

Just get out of the way!

And take the country out of the way while you’re at it!

But she doesn’t. Her eyes just get wider and wider and her body stiffer with terror and her utterances more strangled and inane.”

Mr Rabbit claims he definitely would have hopped out of the way by now.

”You see plenty of dead pheasants beside the country’s roads. Foxes. The occasional badger. Not too many rabbits though.

And here’s an entire party of governance just frozen while the country decays and an entirely avoidable disaster gets closer and closer.

If only our parliamentary system allowed for some kind of opposing party to make the case for not getting flattened into paste.”

While LCD Views feels a small measure of sympathy for Mr Rabbit, we feel it is our potatriotic duty to remind him that we’re all Brexiters now and we must all stand still, terrified in the giant light of the approaching Brexit, deny it’s happening and make the best of a future that is both pants and paste.