LCD Views

The sick and the potentially sick of the United Kingdom, the chronically ill and the accident prone, and those who care for them, are in safe hands today with the announcement from Matt Hancock (MP for Hands-on-Rooster), Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, that he has…

”Just today qualified as a faith healer!”

The news is not news for anyone following Matt’s announcements recently about NHS preparation for a no deal Brexit.

”Matt hasn’t just been sitting about with his hands down his pants playing with the only toy God gave him,” our senior health and social care correspondent corresponds, “since he took over from Jeremy Rhymes-With, in a fetching act of surname symmetry, he’s been a busy boy indeed.”

Busy largely delegating the job of ensuring the health of the country is looked after as the Tories crash the country.

”He’s been studying how just believing really bloody hard that everything won’t go to hell in a hand basket, with diabetics dying for want of insulin, and cancer patients dying for want of treatment, can be avoided by believing really bloody hard that private business will do the job of preparing for a No Deal instead of the government. All you have to do is have faith that they’ll do it if you order them to.”

So simple even his predecessor in the job could have thought of it.

”To prove that faith is all you need he’s put his hands where your money is and taken a digital course in faith healing. This is part of a dramatic modernisation of the health service.”

But what if he’s wrong and faith isn’t enough? What if the stockpiles are insufficient?

”Oh ye of little faith,” our correspondent chided, “you can just duck over to Northern Ireland from April next year and get whatever you need on the new hard border black market. You’ll be able to lay your hands on whatever you need. So long as you just believe.”

The black market? Now that’s the sort of private enterprise that will succeed in the event of a no deal Brexit.

We will be saved! LCD Views is pleased to reassure the great British public today that all will be well in the advent of a no deal Brexit.

The reassurance comes after the government minister responsible for running operation ‘Yellowhammer’ was filmed shopping at Homebase for a yellow hammer.

”He was also buying red, white and blue striped paint,” A. Peace-o’-Timba MP (Two-on-Planks) told us exclusively.

A. Peace had invited our correspondent down to the civil disaster planning office to watch the preparations for planning a complete and total civil disaster.

”It makes a nice change from trying to deal with unexpected calamity,” A. Peace smiled, “to actually be planning to create the catastrophe. It gives you a head start.”

As to the actual yellow hammer purchased by the minister in charge, we weren’t able to view it.

”It’s been borrowed by the minister’s son for some DIY job at home,” A. Peace shrugged, “but it’s okay. We’ve a receipt. There’s an actionable trail. It’s not what you’d call an expense fiddle. The hammer will be returned in time for use in next year’s disaster.”

Other items on the shopping list at the time are believed to be non-stick wallpaper, a left handed screwdriver and a Northern Ireland Minister who actually has the foggiest about Northern Ireland and its relations and history with the Republic, so not the newly appointed minister then.

”I’m sure some critics and smart Alec’s will mock the purchase of the yellow hammer,” A. Peace continued, “say we’re wasting valuable taxpayers’ money on something that will never be needed, but this is just sensible governance. We’re planning the disasters. We’re not waiting for them to catch us by surprise.”

Just so and well done.

This certainly isn’t a case of a hammer to crack a nut, as the nut itself will clearly be way, way too big for a hammer to crack.

Kicked out of the family home by his wife of 25 years, Boris Johnson is planning a surprise bid to have himself elected President of the European Commission.

A source close to Johnson’s own office confirmed to LCD Views that the recently resigned UK foreign minister has realised that his estranged wife’s decision to go public about his philandering has effectively ended his chances of becoming leader of the conservative party, and hence UK Prime Minister.

Instead he has set his sights on Brussels, and is looking to be elected President of the European Commission  next year, when the five year term of current President Jean Claude Junkers ends, the source explained.

“They’re all French or something so infidelity is pretty much compulsory,” she explained, smiling sweetly and crossing her legs.

“Boris feels that with Theresa May’s Chequers plan dead in the water, and a no deal Brexit, akin to economic suicide – if you can’t beat them, he may just as well jolly well join them,” she said, smoothing a crease in her silk stockings.

“And what better way to keep the UK in the EU than making him president – he’s a man who loves nothing more than being on top,” she winked, pointing out that Boris had happily backed the UK’s EU membership for years before throwing his extreme, but still manly, bulk behind Brexit in the hope of unseating David Cameron as PM.

“And as a twice former mayor of London and former foreign minister he’s not exactly lacking in experience – if you know what I mean,” she added peering librarian like over the top of her glasses and smiling knowingly.

News of Johnson’s volte-face came less than 48 after The EU’s chief Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier rejected May’s Chequers plan as unworkable, and suggesting that the UK had no option but to crash out of the EU with no trade deal.
And only hours after he was seen crashing out of the family home with no deal, after his wife of 25 years Marina Wheeler invoked article 50, ending his freedom of movement and forcing him to kip down on Michael Gove’s sofa under WTA rules.

Johnson himself was unavailable for comment with his secretary confirming that he would be unavailable Thursday due to prior appointments at French and German “brush up” classes.

“And he has meetings all day tomorrow with executives from Mercedes and Renault – something to do with renting buses with special paint jobs,” she said breathily, batting her eyelids and absent-mindedly fingering the top button on her blouse.  

Britain’s greatest statesman since Alfred the Great, Dominic Raab MP (for alleged vested interests) has reportedly been rushed to A&E after finally reviewing the No Deal Brexit preparations.

”It happened after that bully civil service attack dog Olly Robbins, who basically runs the government now, forced Raab to read the secret civil service files on no deal Brexit preparations while form prefect Theresa was watching.”

It appears reading what lies ahead for the rapidly dis-uniting kingdom under his own government’s incompetence, and pursuit of the demands of high net worth tax dodgers to clear out of the EU before April next year, caused Mr Raab to clench. And clench hard.

And then clench even harder still.

”And he just kept clenching tighter the deeper in he got,” our insider reports, although we are yet to corroborate their account,

“by the time he got to the hilarious idea of floating batteries in the Irish Sea he was in obvious pain,

”It’s bad enough that some schoolboy schooled him on the scuppering of democratic legitimacy because of the criminality in the opinion poll, he should not then have been faced with the deliberate idea of killing off diabetics to ease NHS budget pressures. He almost got a nosebleed before the parliamentary select committee for Executing the U.K. as it was,

”He should have been sent home to recover with his favourite game of kick the can and given the rest of the week off.”

And it seems even if NHS professionals are successful in their presumed plan to jam him full of laxatives and some sort of loosening device, the damage will be done.

”The other boys are already calling him ‘the sphinxter’ now. It’s a nickname I fear will stick and presumably have a Pavlovian impact. It’s likely he’ll never be able to crap himself freely again, which for a Secretary of State for Brexit, that could lead to permanent disability.”

Wait until ATOS get a hold of him.

UK prime minister Theresa May Wednesday issued an open invitation to the two Russian suspects in the Salisbury “Novichok” poisoning case to take over the UK’s negotiations to leave the European Union.

“As with the Salisbury poisonings negotiating a successful Brexit is a job which requires both a killer instinct and extreme discretion,” said May speaking to reporters outside 10 Downing street dressed in a fetching navy blue Hazmat suit and contrasting Hermes scarf.

Mrs May added that she had already passed Boris Johnson’s home address to the two Russian fugitives and would be assessing their performance before allowing them to proceed over the head of current Brexit minister Dominic Raab, to Brussels to deal with Messers Barnier and Junkers.

“I’ve instructed Dominic to “duck”, if he doesn’t think that’s his look out,” she added.

The two suspects, who on their last visit to the UK were travelling on passports naming them as “Alexander Petrov” and “Ruslan Boshirov” were unavailable for comment Wednesday having returned to Russia on an Aeroflot flight on March 4th, and disappeared.

Explaining that the Wiltshire Police had issued an Interpol red bulletin for their arrest May suggested that she was certain that the offer of untold riches for delivering a successful Brexit complete with unicorns, would be sufficient to tempt the two fugitives out of hiding.

“We’ve already said what riches the country can expect in return for voting for Brexit, and if successful our negotiators will be guarantees a generous, but as yet “untold”  share,” she said, crossing her fingers behind he back.

Responding to questions from reporters as to whether two Russian KGB operatives would be the best people in whom to trust the UK’s future economic relations with the EU, May was adamant.

“My good friend Donald, assures me that Russian government employees are completely trustworthy and were very effective in their management of his successful election campaign,” she smirked.