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Donald Trump accidentally sends picture of his cock to 325M people

Americans woke gripping their cells in shock this morning after President Donald Trump accidentally sent a picture of his cock to everyone in America.

”He was supposed to just send a standard text messge saying ‘This is just a TEST DO NOT PANIC, yet’ to everyone to test FEMA’s new emergency messaging service,” keen White House observer Mr Raincoat (LCD Views US) wired from across the pond,

“But it seems as with everything else, except worsening wealth inequality via tax reform, he didn’t listen.”

The image, described by many who received it as “initially confusing and then horrifying”, appeared to have been taken in a small, tiled room and with a smart phone.

”It’s a great advert for Viagra,” Mr Raincoat observes, “medical science really can work wonders these days.”

Although after horror, laughter was generally next, as one of President Trump’s hands was also in the image.

”The cock is clearly small,” Mr Raincoat says, “but given it’s only about half the size of the hand, also well known to be strangely undersized, it does help explain a few things in terms of 45’s erratic and bullying behaviour in his private life and since becoming President. Still, at least he didn’t text out the nuclear launch codes.”

It’s believed follow up tests will now be undertaken, hopefully without images.

”Mike Pence is expected to send the follow ups in the weeks to come as he’s likely to be president pretty soon following the flipping of Manafort,

”Although that said, he maybe running with Trump for asylum in the nearest Russian embassy too, depending on what all the rats have told Mueller.”

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Silverstone makes way for May in remake focused on Global Britain

Alicia Silverstone has stepped into the halls of Global Britain greatness today after she did her patriotic duty and made way for Theresa May to star in the remake of 90’s cult classic ‘Clueless’, now focused on telling the contemporary story of Global Britain.

”The reboot is really a role for a method actor,” Alicia told a Downing Street news conference this afternoon, “although I could have had a swing at it in the Stanislavsky tradition, Theresa has been doing the research day in and day out. Really living the title. Hell, her and her team have pretty much written the script by inprov every day for over two years. Maybe even since 2010 if you ask some of the production team.”

And it’s not just the title of the classic that the remake will embody.

Insiders tell your go to rag for inside gossip on modern cinema that there are other striking similarities.

”Shoes and trousers. Lots of shoes. Lots of expensive trousers. Neck jewellery you could beat a rhino to death with. Nothing says power dressing like getting a neck injury dressing for work. Although between you and me, there could be love bites under those links. Hedge funds focused on short selling and profiting off people’s misery can’t get enough of our star.”

Filming is expected to wrap up by the end of the conference season this year, but we’ve heard tell the end scenes are not yet written and will definitely also be made up on the day.

”It depends on one of her co-stars, Boris. He’s been cast as a classic bully type character. He’ll only pick on people he perceives as so weak they can’t fight back. It depends on how he calculates his chances.”

Based on that, chances are, we’ll all be watching the day to day madcap activities of a clueless prime minister wearing shoes so valuable your family would be barred free school meals for years right up to New Year. Back to you John.

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Government to set up military task force to retrieve “stolen” British brands

The government is planning to set up a specialist military task force to retrieve iconic British “intellectual property” which has “migrated” to Europe having been bought up by foreign multinationals, according to a new Brexit white paper published Friday.

The new inter-service task force of specially trained officers from the SAS and RAF will operate under cover on the European mainland, tracking down and identifying iconic formerly British brands, before kidnapping them  and returning them to their rightful homes.

High on the list of potential targets is HP Sauce, manufactured to a secret family recipe in the dimly lit cellars of the Houses of Parliament for over 100 years before being kidnapped by American corporate raiders Heinz, who moved production to darkest Lithuania.

Equally high on the list is children’s construction toy, Meccano, invented in Liverpool, where it was produced in the same factory for over three centuries, but now lies cruelly exiled in Calais, France.

“We’re hoping the company will have sufficient stock to enable us construct a bridge across the channel,  back to the UK where it can be re-assembled,” whispered a long haired, masked official in camouflage fatigues, sounding remarkably like Toy Stories and The Reassembler presenter James May.

Also targeted is Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate, kidnapped by American global mega giant Kraft Foods (now  Montezuma International) in 2010.

This wholly (wholly hazelnut, ooomph) British confectionary was first stripped of its traditional British apostrophe, and then (Freddo) frog marched across Europe to new factory in Poland where the traditional recipe was dropped in favour of one based on lard, bat saliva and left over Soviet era brown boot polish.

“None of this will be easy, but if these three raids succeed we may go ahead with what promises to be the toughest challenge of all ” a government official told LCD Views.

Namely, the retrieval of that most British of spreads, Marmite,  manufactured in Belgium since 1987 when the Thatcher government’s decimation of the British mining industry forced the closure of the last traditional steam powered Marmite mine in Burton on Trent.

“Love it or hate it, we have to retake it,” he explained, saluting.

Also included in the white paper are plans for a special task force to oversee the return to the British high street names like Woolworths, British Home Stores, and Timothy Whites.

“Of course they won’t actually be selling anything though,” the official said adding;

“Our bosses at Amazon would never allow us to do that.”

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Chris Grayling wants to give every household its own nuclear reactor to celebrate leaving EU

Fantastic news for people worried about rising energy bills this winter with the announcement that Our Government is to give every household its own nuclear reactor.

”It’s to celebrate British independence,” Chris Grayling, MP for Turtles-on-Fenceposts, told LCD Views, “once we are free of all those petty EU health and safety regulations we can pretty much do what we like, so what not make nuclear power personal?”

The reactors, small and potentially explosive, are modelled on a crossbreed design of the world famous Chernobyl and Fukushima reactors.

”This will ensure the lights stay on regardless of what happens after March 29th 2019. Even if it just ends up as one big, green, glowing light all over the U.K.,” Grayling explained,

“each reactor will be delivered by a zero hours worker who will be paid with food, and each kit will come with instructions for build and installation. I recommend putting them in your kitchen to impress your friends. You could even have parties to build each other’s. Encourage a sense of community. Do emergency drills and so on.”

It’s believed the motivation to make every household in the country self-powering is in part due to criticism of the plans to keep the lights bright in Northern Ireland by putting generators on barges in the Irish Sea.

”It’s also to keep people busy building them so they don’t have time to riot over food,” Grayling smiled, “and as a blatant bribe to buy support for Brexit. Bribery is pretty much the only basis going forward that U.K. democracy will function on, so let’s give every voter a personal taste.”

But what to do with all the waste? And what about civil emergency contingencies in the case of mass meltdowns?

”We’re going to dump the waste on the beaches,” Grayling explained, “you’ll be able to see the U.K. outlined from space. This will make it easier for my alien overlords to find me too, when they come to take me back to my home planet of Zaaaarg-D7. As I’m really only here to master about rail transport technology. I’ll be here a while yet.”

And in the case of mass reactor meltdowns?

”They won’t be critical.”

I suspect they will be? Or they won’t function?

”Excuse me?”

Chris Grayling, thank for your time.

“Don’t thank me yet. Wait unti you’re holding you’re first shipment of high grade Brexitanium in your hands at home.”

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Man who contradicts himself within the same sentence coincidentally sells vast amounts of cheap booze

The man was found in a tatty chain pub, ranting at anyone prepared to listen. The viciously discounted beer had clearly gone to his head.

Brexit was the man’s theme, and beer mats were his cue cards. “This Brexit mess has made me increase my prices,” he fumed. “The solution is to leave the EU without a deal, that will bring prices right down!”

LCD Views’ Swift Half correspondent had dropped into the pub on the way home, and became enmeshed in the pub bore’s web of deceit.

“You know immigration, mate,” the man continued, as the hack paused, scenting a story. “Funny thing is, we need it. Brits suffer from brewer’s droop from drinking in my pubs all night. So the birthrate is dropping. Britain needs immigration, just not that horrid EU immigration.”

The man ordered two more pints of Nigel’s Old Saggybollocks and a packet of gammon scratchings as he warmed to his theme.

“Russians,” he belched. “That’s who we need. They can spend their nice roubles in my nice pubs and I can pay them peanuts. Nobody else will eat the bloody things!”

Swig. Belch. Over-friendly arm around shoulders.

“Between you and me,” he said in a loud stage whisper, “the further east you go, the less you need to pay them. I’ll set up a fake travel agency arranging visits to Salisbury Cathedral, and they will flock to me. What do you think of that! If you don’t like it, tough. As my mate James Dyson says, suck it up!”

Coincidentally, ‘suck it up’ is only one consonant different to the government’s official Brexit policy.

It is also a coincidence that the incoherent man flogging cheap booze in a race to the bottom is a complete arsehole.

In this world of the cheap and cheerless, you can’t beat Tim Martin Wetherspoon. Although most would prefer to beat him with a large club.

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DWP change criteria for full time employment to include breathing while walking

Mighty industrial powerhouse Britannia is found near to 100% employment today after the Department for Work and Pensions changed the criteria for full time employment to include breathing while walking.

”If the trial of the change is successful we will go further,” Rt. Hon Esther McVey, Secretary of State for crushing the dreams and souls IDS couldn’t reach, told LCD Views.

”In time we hope to extend the conservative criteria to simply breathing,” she added, “although that may or may not include people on life support, depending on how quickly we can advance legislation after Brexit to make being disabled or sick, and unable to afford private healthcare, a crime.”

Other measures being considered are simply to stop phaffing about rigging statistics by farcical redefinitions.

”It’ll be much simpler if we can use soft fascism and simply print the numbers we want people to believe, regardless of reality, and have the BBC uncritically report the unsupportable assertions. Trials of that are already proving very successful. People laugh at our ineptness on social media, but it doesn’t really matter if we’re shit at Twitter and Facebook, given how effectively we’ve stacked the executive decks at the BBC.”

But what of people who try and rig the system by holding their breath?

”We’ve thought of that and it’s easy to counter.”

Going on, tell us how?

”As we fully develop our policy agenda into a proper totalitarian state masquerading as a democracy, the things we’ll do to people will be so ghastly that no humane individual will be able to resist shouted what the fuck?! each and every hour. Then they’ll have to breathe and will thus be fully employed.”

What about the inhumane ones? Mightn’t they hold their breath long enough to get into the stats?

”Oh, that’s not a problem, all those people already support us.”

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Royal Navy mines French waters as Downing Street merges MOD with Dept Int Trade

The Royal Navy struck the first blow for Global Britain today in the new era of international trade, birthed by the geniuses at Downing Street, as hundreds of naval mines were laid in French waters.

”It was Liz Truss’s idea,” Field Marshall Liz Truss (recently promoted) told LCD Views, “If we’re going to force the French to buy prime British cheddar after Brexit, we’re going to need to convince the French. This will likely involve a land invasion, so I have requested my colleagues at the Royal Navy to pave the way underwater.”

She then went on,

”Did you know British cheese makers are the finest in the world and it’s a scandal that anyone in Europe makes their own?”

Other plans are thought to involve a total naval blockade of French fishing ports and the aerial bombardment of Paris with speeches by Wafflefuhrer Boris Johnson (recently sideways promoted).

But critics of the strategy are questioning whether it’s really value for money? And just how many trade deals do we expect to make with such a belligerent foreign policy?

”It worked in the past,” Gunner Gove (recently promoted) told us, “why won’t it work now? We never had a problem invading our neighbours for commercial reasons prior to joining the EU. No reason why it won’t work now.”

Still, in spite of the impressive size of the Evian bottles that the MOD propaganda arm have specially commissioned (private suppliers), constructed to specifications designed by Lord Rees-mogg (inherited title), in order to be able to contain the naval mines and float, it’s inclear if the actions won’t have unexpected consequences.

”What, like closing the Chunnel six months early?” scoffed Lance Corporal Liam Fox, head of the Department for International Trade,

“This just gives us the initiative. Believe you me, this will be the easiest naval action in history, better even than Gallipoli. And it gives us green points too, as the plastic bottles are so strong they’ll contain the blasts and are as such, reusable.”

But what if, in the unlikely event, it doesn’t work as planned?

”We’ve thought of that too,” Lance Corporal Fox said, “we’ve made David Davis head of strategic retreats.”

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Magic pill instantly cures feelings of sympathy for Theresa May

Social media is buzzing today with talk of a new wonder drug which instantly cures feelings of sympathy for Prime Minister Theresa May.

”When we saw people writing on social media platforms that they felt sorry for the prime architect of the Hostile Environment policies, well, we knew we had to work fast to develop a cure,” Doctor Furacists, of F U Racists and Gamble, a leading medical research company based in Maidenhead, told us earlier today.

The cure comes in various forms, first and foremost empathy and humanity, but also an easy to take pill form.

”The pill is called ‘Hostile Environment’ after the now famous policy spectrum designed and pushed through by the head of the Home Office during 2010 – 2016. This occurred while Prime Minister David Cameron was too blithe, intellectually stupid, possibly compromised by various sources of funding, and lazy to pay attention to what his legacy was growing into.”

The Doctor advises anyone who is starting to exhibit symptoms of sympathy for Theresa May, purely because she achieved her aim of becoming boss to a vicious bag of snakes, to begin a course of Hostile Environlemt immediately.

”Most people will only need one dose to release that they should have zero sympathy for a xenophobic Little Englander who made it her mission while Home Office minister to do as much as possible to destroy the security and well-being of a vast number of people, purely based on skin colour it seems, but also a distaste for certain socio-demographics and a desire to punish them, as you’d expect from a vicar’s daughter.”

But what about people who have a severe case, say members of ToryKip and UKIP?

”Oh, they’re going to need to overdose, and even then I’m not sure it’ll work.”

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Unidentifiable Pieing Object seen hanging in sky above Westminster

Planes were grounded at all twelve London airports today as emergency measures were taken after an Unidentifiable Pieing Object, or UPO, was seen hanging in the sky above the Palace of Westminster.

”The UPO has actually been over the Palace for a couple of years now,” our Westminster correspondent, Mrs Bubble, says,

“since the day David Cameron successfully dealt with the imperial minded, tax dodging fascists in his party by promising to call the EU referendum that occurred after mass cheating in June 2016.”

But while not a new feature, when in fact it’s standard political practice for many MPs to put little pies in the sky, this time it’s different.

”This time it’s different,” Mrs Bubble adds, unnecessarily, “it’s believed the spate of recent policy documents, or scribbled on fag packets, released by Brexit backing groups has lead to a pie so bloody huge it has begun to blot out the sun.”

That Jenkins clown saying “no one would notice” a No Deal Brexit, plus Raab blaming business for the impacts of Brexit on business, and Raab releasing more nonsense he claims is preparation for a completely unnecessary calamity he’s intent on creating, and McDonnell saying he couldn’t be arsed to fight a resurgent UKIP, but that’s okay because the hard right have clearly been beaten into retreat across the U.K. political landscape by having Con and Lab adopt one of their key agendas, all this has,

”birthed a monstrous floating nonstrosity that is anything but Pukka, or Greggs for that matter. Although I have it on good authority the taste of the pie in the sky is pork barrel.”

People are warned to believe what they see, but to have a plate and fork handy, with sauce if you like, for the inevitable moment when the gravity of logic brings the pie crashing down.

”Personally I’d bring a bucket and shovel,” Mrs Bubble said, “this monster is going to keep us all fed for years once it crashes to ground.”

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“A dog is not just for Xmas it’s also for dinner” advises government

In front of packed hall of worshippers (mostly from the BBC, or maybe it was the Express? It’s hard to tell them apart these days) recently ordained high priest of bullshit [ed. It’s believed our correspondent meant Brexit. But one is a synonym for the other and they both mean the same thing so to add both words, even for clarity of meaning, would risk being tautological and not stiffen the article, or make it firmer, introduce the potential for tiresome error, and just drag out the article painfully and unnecessarily, just like bullshit) Dominic Raab, MP for Fork-on-Tung, released the latest batch of No Deal Brexit notices.

“A dog is not just for Christmas, thanks to the diligent planning of your vigorous government, it’s also for dinner.”

It took several minutes for the applause to subside. Several people even began to talk in tongues, such was the religious fervour generated in the faithful by the statement.

”Purposefully positioning a modern, industrialised country into a situation where the choice of eating your last born child, or your pet, is now real is just sensible government.”

The kind of pragmatism we’ve all come to expect from the Conservatives.

”Even now my department is working on an easily accessible recipe book, in app format, although it will only be on android (because they’re androids) to release in advance of just fucking the entire country senseless so some fascistic natured tax dodgers can take complete control of your day to day lives.”

From this announcement Mr Raab began to read from a hymn sheet, verses that blame the EU for the moment HMG screws your pooch, we mean cook your dog, or make your dog into dinner.

”With the right amount of vim and vigour any hungry citizen of Brexitannia will be able to get even a German Shepherd into a pot. Remember, as we move into the bold and exciting frontiers of Global Britain, a dog is not just for Christmas anymore…”