Fantastic news for people worried about rising energy bills this winter with the announcement that Our Government is to give every household its own nuclear reactor.
”It’s to celebrate British independence,” Chris Grayling, MP for Turtles-on-Fenceposts, told LCD Views, “once we are free of all those petty EU health and safety regulations we can pretty much do what we like, so what not make nuclear power personal?”
The reactors, small and potentially explosive, are modelled on a crossbreed design of the world famous Chernobyl and Fukushima reactors.
”This will ensure the lights stay on regardless of what happens after March 29th 2019. Even if it just ends up as one big, green, glowing light all over the U.K.,” Grayling explained,
“each reactor will be delivered by a zero hours worker who will be paid with food, and each kit will come with instructions for build and installation. I recommend putting them in your kitchen to impress your friends. You could even have parties to build each other’s. Encourage a sense of community. Do emergency drills and so on.”
It’s believed the motivation to make every household in the country self-powering is in part due to criticism of the plans to keep the lights bright in Northern Ireland by putting generators on barges in the Irish Sea.
”It’s also to keep people busy building them so they don’t have time to riot over food,” Grayling smiled, “and as a blatant bribe to buy support for Brexit. Bribery is pretty much the only basis going forward that U.K. democracy will function on, so let’s give every voter a personal taste.”
But what to do with all the waste? And what about civil emergency contingencies in the case of mass meltdowns?
”We’re going to dump the waste on the beaches,” Grayling explained, “you’ll be able to see the U.K. outlined from space. This will make it easier for my alien overlords to find me too, when they come to take me back to my home planet of Zaaaarg-D7. As I’m really only here to master about rail transport technology. I’ll be here a while yet.”
And in the case of mass reactor meltdowns?
”They won’t be critical.”
I suspect they will be? Or they won’t function?
”Excuse me?”
Chris Grayling, thank for your time.
“Don’t thank me yet. Wait unti you’re holding you’re first shipment of high grade Brexitanium in your hands at home.”