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Brexiters accused of trying to overturn the result of the Battle of Hastings

Campaigners arguing against Brexit have fought back at accusations that they are trying to overturn the result of the now-infamous referendum. They argue that Brexiters are instead trying to overturn the result of the Battle of Hastings.

“It’s the principle of it,” claims activist Russell Sprout. “As Brexiters are so keen to take us back to a rose-tinted past, how about 1066? The Norman French won, you lost, so get over it!”

Sprout explains that the UK (or its predecessors) has been governed by Europeans for a very long time. “You can’t just ignore almost 1,000 years of history,” he booms. “This country has been ruled by Europeans ever since 1066, and it is ridiculous to pretend otherwise. Conquest means Conquest!”

Brexiter Stan Dalone was not impressed. “The people had a vote!” he gammoned. “We want out, and we want out now. You can’t ignore 17.4 million people. Although you can ignore 16.1 million people, because they are liberal elitist traitors, and we don’t like them!”

“But a thousand years ago, a Frenchman shot an arrow into an Englishman’s eye,” Sprout persisted. “That means that the French won. It’s no good moaning, the result stands and I don’t care if the French cheated. You can’t argue with democracy!”

“Democracy didn’t stop in 1066!” squealed Dalone. “Democracy stopped on 23 June 2016!”

The debate was clearly going nowhere, so LCD Views sought the opinion of analyst Eva Nowt. “The truth is, the real reason for Brexit is nothing to do with democracy,” Nowt said. “It’s all about money. The argument goes, rich people are rich because they are good with money, so you give them more to look after. The poor would only squander it on rubbish like food, so they can’t be trusted with it. Brexit will help to transfer funds from the delinquent poor to the responsible rich.”

And that is, of course, exactly what the Normans did. Roll on feudalism!

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RAF to airlift in blue passports from France if M20 becomes lorry park

The latest batch of No Deal notices released by HMG yesterday demonstrate that Brexit Britannia has all bases covered, especially when it comes to the all important symbols of our liberation from being a functioning member of the global community.

“The RAF is on standby to airlift in our new potatriotic British blue passports from France if the M20 becomes a lorry park,” Dominic Raab MP (for Meat) told a packed hall of patriots, “let me correct that, when the M20 becomes a lorry park.”

The reassurance will be welcome by a population busy contingency planning for the moments after the UK regains its independence, to just before the UK ceases to exist altogether.

“It’s worth it,” A Gammon told LCD Views, “after two and a bit years, billions sacrificed, the mental wellbeing of millions placed in jeopardy, the reputation of the United Kingdom trashed internationally for the callous and offhand way we are prepared to tear up legal agreements offering security and rights to millions over decades, and all to change the colour on a passport to a colour we could have changed to without Brexit.”

But with much less sovereignty.

“Yes. It’s all worth it. It’s still the only benefit identified, but once you hold that blue book in your hand and realise you’ll never leave home again with or without it, it’ll all be worth it.”

Quite where the RAF will land with the shipments of blue passports is not yet clear, as it’s unlikely they will be able to break the law and deliver them.

“They may have to airdrop them,” A Gammon mused, “presumably just south of the Irish border. Smugglers can take care of the rest after and get them into the UK.”

Never forget, as the day to day drama gathers distracting intensity with the running down of the clock, no one has yet been able to identify a tangible benefit of Brexit except for blue passports.

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BMW to move Mini production to Turkey

BMW is planning to move production of the Mini to Turkey, if the government fails to secure a post Brexit trade deal that allows components to be moved in and out of the UK free of tariffs.

The German automotive giant announced last week that it is planning a one month “production holiday” at its Cowley plant near Oxford, after March 29th, in which to examine its options.

However according a mole in the BMW headquarters in deepest Bavaria, the company has no intention of restarting production in the UK and has already begun moves to lease an empty factory space at Izmir in the west of Turkey, where it plans to re-start production by the middle of next year.

“Turkey has been part of the customs union since January 1995, so there are no trade barriers, and with low labour costs and a young and well educated population, it’s a perfect base for a new production venture – unlike the UK which is full of fat, gammon-faced old people who don’t know the difference between ‘there, they’re and their’, and want everything for free,” he explained.

The move appears certain to generate strong opposition from across the political spectrum in the UK.

Anti Brexit groups have been quick to point out that manufacturers have been warning about the impossibility of maintaining complex cross border supply chains since before the referendum, and the predictability of BMW‘s decision to send Mini away from UK shores, 60 years after the first model was launched in 1959.

However others have noted a certain aptness in the planned move, given that the designer of the original Mini, Sir Alec Issigonis, was born and brought up in Izmir and had never set foot in Britain before his arrival aged 16 in 1923.

“He arrived as a refugee, penniless, with his widowed German mother,” explained UK car history expert Alvis Riley pointing out the irony, of the “fright adverts” warning of a that fear of a surge of migrants from Turkey used by the Leave campaign.

“Can you imagine a 16 year old Turkish lad or for that matter a Syrian refugee, being allowed into the UK nowadays, and for him to go on to  be single-handedly responsible for designing? one of the most iconic British brands,” he asked before answering his own question:

“Of course not, he’d have been stuck in camp in Calais, or in Turkey or Germany – because the UK refuses to accept refugees,” he laughed.

The BMW mole was able to confirm to LCD views that the irony of Issigonis‘ origins has not escaped the company’s marketing department which has already bought up the rights to a popular English tune with which to advertise the move.

“It’s coming home, it’s coming home…Mini’s coming home…..has ein zertain ring to it, don’t you tzink,” he smiled.

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May to offer Barnier lands and titles in Kent to make EU accept Chequers works

Theresa May looks set to finally have her genius Chequers plan accepted by the EU this week after locating Michel Barnier’s weak spot and settling on a new saavy wheeze.

”He doesn’t have any lands and titles in England,” an aide to the penultimate prime minister of the U.K. told LCD Views,

“so naturally the obvious play is to offer Barnier lands and titles in Kent. Once he sees the carrot of taking back control of a piece of England as Lord Trade Barrier of Thanet, he’ll twist the arms of the other unelected, overpaid technocrats running the EU. Chequers looked dead, but that was only because it’s complete and utter nonsense, in reality once you find your enemy’s weak spot, anything is possible, even if you don’t hold all the cards.”

As to how receptive the EU’s chief Brexit negotiator is to the offer is not yet known, as the plan is still secret.

”We’re only announcing it in the British press at the moment,” the aide said, “as we know from the vicious and deceitful covers of our anti-EU moneylaundering rules newspapers, each and every day, that no one across the channel can read English. But we thought it best to let Thanet know that Sheriff Nigel is on the way out and Lord Trade-Barrier is moving in.”

It seems unlikely Barnier will reject the offer as everyone knows an English title is best.

”Of course he’ll have to apply to the Home Office for permanent residency first, but we’ll be providing an easy to use app for him to do that.”

But what if he refuses?

”We’ve thought of that too,” the aide beamed, “if Barnier is no go we’re going to offer Varadkar the city of Dublin to rule, after Ireland leaves the EU too and comes home to British rule.”

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McDonnell and Corbyn visited by ghostly Nick Clegg

Word from the ether sphere is that Labour leaders John McDonnell and Jeremy Corbyn are in for a Christmas treat this year of the traditional Dickensian kind. Just as soon as they tuck their white haired heads into sleeping caps and lay down expecting to dream of erecting giant billboards with their faces on in every town square.

“It won’t be the dreams they expect. Ghostly Nick Clegg is planning to visit McDonnell and Corbyn this year on Christmas Eve,” LCD Views has been informed, during a seance to contact the pre-2015 Liberal Democrat parliamentary bloc, “and he’s bringing a warning from the future and the past for the present.”

The seance was conducted using a ouija board constructed with the dead wood of state paid university tuition, you know, before the neoliberal con-artists starting commodifying it to slow destruction, and letters cut out from the first university fee agreements issued after they were trebled.

”This talking board does not lie,” a political psychic on our payroll affirmed, “and that’s good. Dickens is the obvious frame for the message, as the Labour leadership’s support of Tory Brexit will lead to Dickensian conditions for the many, but not the few.”

But what will the ghost of Nick Clegg tell them?

”It’s not the ghost of Nick Clegg. He’s still alive thankfully,” our psychic corrects, “it will be a ghostly Nick Clegg. A different animal altogether. This one fully realises just how seriously it let ghoul scrooge Cameron manipulate it in order to destroy the Lib Dem’s as a parliamentary force and get the U.K. back to two party FPTP Westminster politics.”

Well, what will ghostly Nick Clegg tell McDonnell and Corbyn.

”It will point to what happened to real Nick Clegg after he sold out on key promises and principles to gain power. McDonnell and Corbyn are on the same tangent.”

How so?

”Before Nick Clegg said screw scraping tuition fees I’ve a seat at the big table now, let’s treble them. Before that he was viewed as one of the last honest brokers left in our politics, having picked up and run with the work of his forerunners, most especially Charles Kennedy.”

Who?

”Are you a member of Momentum? They’ve wiped him from memory too. Charles Kennedy led his entire party in opposition to Blair’s Iraq War.”

This is starting to sound like a party political broadcast…

”For which party? If Vince hands over to Gina Miller maybe…anyway. But no. We choose our targets from the news cycle. And McDonnell and Corbyn are doing the same thing as Clegg. Trashing the perception of themselves as honest brokers, bringing in a new kind of politics, in order to put perceived party interests before the country, with continual fence sitting Brexit fudgeberg making, even though they must know people are suffering from Brexit yesterday, today and everyone will suffer tomorrow. Comrade. What is it worth to make that omlette? How many eggs do they expect the Tories to break?”

And that will be ghostly Clegg’s warning? What happens when disillusionment kicks in?

”Just ask real Nick Clegg about what happens then. Turkeys may vote for Christmas, but afterwards only a miracle will get them to vote for it again.”

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Venue where Brexit was hatched revealed to be the Möbius Strip Club

The architects of Brexit were the global mega-rich. Its seeds have been coddled in Fleet Street for many years. Its midwife was Nigel Farage. But now its birthplace has been revealed. Brexit emerged, crying and spluttering, into the world in the back room of ‘the club with the twist’, the Möbius Strip Club.

The club’s former owner, Constant D. Klein, resigned instead of throttling the infant at birth, as should have been done. In the pithy words of club regular Manny Fold, Klein “bottled it”.

Möbius strippers are a unique breed. Since they are the same on the inside and the outside, there is no need to remove any clothing. In any case, they are identical up to isomorphism. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.

Möbius regulars are used to only seeing one side of an argument, and will swear that the inside of the club is the same as the outside. However, the real mischief went on in the exclusive “4D Lounge”. In that rarefied and esoteric environment, squaring the circle was not only desirable, it was compulsory.

Here, the possible and the impossible do not simply coexist, they are the same thing. Under the influence of strong homeomorphisms, Brexiters discovered that knotty problems like the Irish border exist and don’t exist simultaneously.

The contradictions became plainly projected, claims Fold. “We realised that objects could, apparently, pass through themselves” he said. “It was the answer to everything. Brexit could function continuously and compactly.”

The shadowy figure who provided the powerful transformations, known as “The Doctor in the Hausdorff”, was too busy transforming from a mug to a doughnut and back to talk to us. Homeomorphisms are dangerous in the wrong hands. Just say no, people.

This type of proposition requires rigorous proof. However, the Möbius Strip Group refuses to offer any justification. Instead, the proof is left as an exercise for the reader.

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Leave Means Leave bus TOPLESS to show off the tits

The Leave Means Leave battle bus is a topless model. It allowed jubilant fans to observe a large meaty packet and a pair of ginormous tits.

The one ginormous tit, otherwise known as Nigel Farage, was given a standing ovation simply for flopping out on to the stage. His counterpart – the left tit to Nigel’s right – is better known as Kate Hoey, who is struggling to comprehend how advocating a hard Brexit fails to endear her to her largely Remain-backing constituents.

Supporting this pair of tits was not in fact a cantilevered bra, but the packet of mince formerly known as David Davis. A man who resigned his cabinet post in order to bring himself to the same relevance as his companions, meant his appearance was largely irrelevant.

Because everyone really wanted to see the tits. “Everyone calls them a pair of boobies,” said enraptured worshipper Halle Lujah. “But to me they are the breast of Britain! My chest swelled with pride as they stood two abreast on stage. Out and proud!”

Other audience members were equally enthusiastic. “They really milked it!” gushed Mamma Ryglands. “I feel like the cat that got the cream!”

The Bolton crowd was satisfied. Many had only got on the bus in the first place because they assumed the open-top bus was going to Wigan Pier, but the spectacle of a pair of real, live tits more than adequate compensation.

One commentator described the open-top bus as an apt metaphor for a movement that is distinctly lacking up top. Farage fans described the commentator as a ‘Southern softie from Manchester’. The bus claimed to enjoy going topless as it meant lots of people climbed on top of her.

The tits talked bollocks. Henry Bolton claimed that the venue had been named after him. Numerous women in Wigan were pleased that their husbands were pestering someone else. All in all, a great success.

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Labour promises to smash ship of state into red instead of blue iceberg

Labour were on the cliff edge of taking a commanding polling lead over both their Brexit policy partners, the Conservatives, and front runner Don’t Know, today after John McDonnell promised the centre and swing voters that a Labour government will smash the ship of state into a red instead of a blue iceberg.

”It’s leadership,” A Labour-Voter told LCD Views, “to know that even a radically different government on the surface would still lead to the fulfilment of UKIP’s only policy ever is giving me the shits. I mean, makes me tingle all over and know I can’t fart for fear of soiling myself.”

The refusal to take a fundamentally different stance on Brexit to May’s government by Labour is clearly exceptionally clever. Especially as anyone paying attention knows the six tests are nonsense and Labour still wants to end FOM, take that millions of ordinary working people who’s lives have been in limbo for years as the U.K. has a breakdown and makes them pay for it.

”It means voters will have no idea who the hell to vote for, in terms of Labour and Conservatives, if they don’t want the country to continue along a clearly horrific policy path decided by an opinion poll a few years back riddled with proven criminality and false promises,” the voter went on, “we may get a government hung like a bull if we have a snap election. And that will be a lot of jizz all over the electorate from Westminster.”

It also means that constructive ambiguity continues to serve Labour well if they never want to take over the Conservatives in the polls.

”Not offering a choice and just attacking the government’s handling of a policy that seems certain to impoverish and dismantle the union of the United Kingdom ensures Corbyn and McDonnell never actually have to govern. It’s pretty much the fulfillment of all those decades as paid up backbench MPs getting nothing done legislatively. I’m impressed. They can’t start their own victim narrative too, when the Tories edge them in the coming snap GE. You know when Boris becomes a remainer. It’s those bloody remainers, not enough of them believed a red iceberg was worth hitting.”

We did ask the man in waiting himself, McDonnell for comment, but he was busy remembering the time he flung the little red book across the Commons.

So we’ll imagine his comment instead,

”We need the Tories to break the eggs for us and then no one will blame us when the entire country turns into an omelette.”

Get your fork and plate and get in line. Just wait. And keep waiting. In line. Comrades. Both main parties have the country’s best interests in mind.

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Total humiliation is just our opening negotiating position, says May

“Total humiliation is just our opening negotiating position,” Theresa May is to tell a jubilant U.K. this afternoon, after her barnstorming impact on the collected leaders of the EU27 in Salzburg yesterday.

“No prime minister of the modern United Kingdom, that roared into life like a creation of Doctor Frankenstein on the 23rd June 2016, is going to forced to face reality, no matter how mean those bullies in Brussels are. No matter how many air kisses Macron lays around me.”

The tough talk will be welcomed by a nation that waits anxious that reality may at some point force its way into U.K. government Brexit strategy.

”No deal is better than a no deal,” May will add, “why it was preferable for currency traders to have a transition period of madly fluctuating Sterling, and for all our major employers to have time to relocate across the channel in good order, I am not playing to the tune of anyone but about half a dozen billionaires who have taken short pound positions for late March next year.”

And to back up her tough talk she’s going to continue as is.

”Even now the best medical minds in the NHS, working alongside Harley Street, are attempting to revive Chequers. My personal monster, cobbled together from still born ideas and old cables, will rise to face Brussels again.”

She will then hold up a photo of Chequers, before finishing,

”No deal is better than no deal and I aim to make a success of it. A humiliation that will overshadow the imperial success of Chequers for generations to come.”

Total humiliation has been our negotiating position for over two years now and let’s make a success of it! Get behind May and push! Everyone! All together! Now!

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Liam Fox to use Henry VIII powers to launch his own meat brand ‘Fox Steaks – for fox sakes!’

High flying Minister of State for selling U.K. assets abroad, Little Liam Fox, has shot out of the post Brexit bolt hole today with a display of what we can expect for Global Britain.

”It was nice for parliament to make itself irrelevant,” Parliament watcher, Mr What-The Fcuk, told LCD Views, “I mean, what responsible, directly elected representative body wouldn’t make itself just a giant rubber stamp and give a bunch of immoral, neocon asset strippers, masquerading as MPs, carte blanche to do what they want with important laws?”

And do what they want with important laws protecting public safety and rights they will.

”Liam is a sign post for other MPs to follow,” aide to Liam, Mr Verily Werrity told us next, “by using the powers laughably handed over in that farce of a parliament discussion over the EU Withdrawal Bill, Liam is now able to launch his own meat brand ‘Fox Steaks – for fox sakes!’, using real fox meat gathered by zero hours workers set the task of picking up roadkill off motorways.”

Previously such meat would have been classed as only consumable by crunchies, but not now.

”No, not now! Liam and friends can do what they want after Brexit. Fox knows what will be on your plate from April next year, but it will definitely be good food because Liam will change the legislation to say it is.”

But wouldn’t it be a breach of parliamentary rules and MP’s code of conduct for Liam to profit so brazenly in the future, by way of his position?

”What rules?! Ha! No need to hide good friends behind curtains anymore. We can change those rules too! Get ready to stuff your mouth with the taste of Brexit. Liam will make it so.”