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Saudi Arabia to handle White House Press corps in return for continuing arms sales

US president Donald Trump announced Monday that he had forced Saudi Arabia into humiliating concessions in return for continuing to receive US arms shipments following the murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Kashoggi in Istanbul.

“Just spoke to the King of Saudia – he denies everything, which is fine, but I forced him to take on full responsibility for White House press relations,” announced US President Donald Trump, adding that the Saudis had even promised to supply all their own “rogues”, and bone saws.

“That’s the art of the deal folks, you play tough, you win bigly concessions,” he smirked, confirming that as a result he would of course be firing all his press spokespeople, and as a result was eagerly anticipating a sea change in media coverage of his presidency.

“Fake news CNN, Washington Post and New York Times should take this as a heads up, if you get my drift,” he winked.

From now on, he explained, he was expecting media coverage to be “all peachy”, and less “impeachment”.

Saudi Journalist Jamal Kashoggi has not been seen since he entered the Saudi consulate in Istanbul last week.

Turkish sources have alleged that he was murdered in the consulate grounds and his dismembered body removed in boxes and flown back to Saudi Arabia.

While Saudi officials initially insisted that Kashoggi had left the consulate voluntarily, subsequent reports have suggested he may have been victim of a “rogue operation”.

Commenting on her recent receipt of a presidential tweet bearing the simple message “You’re fired!”, now former White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was sanguine.

“Given the nature of recent events I choose to view my sudden involuntary change of career trajectory as a positive,” she explained.

“It’s certainly not something I’m going to lose my head over,” she added, cracking a smile with the sincerity of rigor mortis on the the face of a dead Yemeni child.

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Poll finds record number of Brits suffering with envy of the Irish

LCD Views has the results just in from a shock poll conducted by all major British news outlets which has revealed that a record number of Brits now envy the Irish.

“Britons want their [Irish] government,” poll-meister Professor North, of North and South University (they have campuses at both John O’ Groats and Lands End),

“which is a bit of a surprise as polls from as recently as the 22 June 2016 showed a record number of Brits didn’t even realise Ireland had a government, they just assumed, well, they didn’t really think about it much. Dublin equals Guinness, that was about it. Oh, and leprechauns of course. Maybe a bit of Riverdance if the knowledge is broader than usual. But that’s been standard behaviour for an overwhelming majority of Britons (roughly 52%) and the rest of the colonised world for decades. A lot don’t even realise they don’t still control most of the world, as evidenced by expectations for how things will play out after Brexit.”

But it seems the manner in which the Irish government has been dealing with Brexit has changed opinions all the way from “whaa?” over to “emerald green with envy”.

“The Irish have been all grown up and getting prepared and helping people out and leveraging their alliances and actually concerned about the GFA and all that means. It’s basically shown up what a shambles Westminster is now it’s run by a hard right coup with a hard left one hanging about the edges hoping to take over. This has made people jealous. This has changed attitudes.”

And the change in attitude is likely to have an impact immediately on the Republic of Ireland itself.

“There’s already a tsunami of applications for Irish passports from famous shoe in Irishmen like Andrew Bridgen MP,” Professor North went on, “and also about 160,000 regular and sane people who want to continue to enjoy freedom of movement in the European family after Brexit, but don’t have a spare million sitting about to buy a Maltese passport, but they did once know someone who owned an Irish Setter.”

But surely it would just be better to close down the House of Commons at Westminster and apply for direct rule from Ireland?

“That would clearly work in everyone’s favour. Maybe easier though just to set up a system where sane and progressive Brits can be formerly adopted by Irish families until such time as the government of the United Kingdom ceases to be an incompetent, xenophobic shit show. I suggest we put it to a vote.”

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Brexiter would sooner destroy the country than admit she made a mistake

Brexiter Andrea Jenkyns belongs to the foaming-at-the-mouth wing of the Conservative Party. In her latest statement, she puts her trench foot into her mouth as usual.

Never in the field of human politics was so much owed to so few by so many. Her entrenched wartime metaphor illustrates the fact that Britain is at war. With itself. And like all wars, the result will be pyrrhic at best.

There is no enemy. This is class war, unleashed on The People by unelected figures intent on not paying their dues.

“It is better to go down fighting…” writes Jenkyns, admitting defeat. A pointless, humiliating, glorious defeat like Dunkirk.

The British are good at framing defeat as victory. The Charge of the Light Brigade celebrates the slaughter of hundreds of British horsemen sent against a battery of cannons. It’s like conceding ten goals in a football match, but only remembering the jammy last-minute consolation goal.

The whole subtext is that Jenkyns would prefer subjugation to surrender, because the latter would involve admitting that she was wrong.

We will defeat ourselves on the beaches. We will defeat ourselves in our fields and on our streets. We will cut off our own heads of necessary. That’ll show them who’s boss.

“Surrender to EU demands,” writes Jenkyns, forgetting the fact that it is actually the UK which is making demands and threats. We create the problem, it’s your fault that you don’t have the answers. Dig (yourself into a hole) For Britain!

So tin hats on, canned goods piled up in the Anderson shelter, plenty of blitz spirit. Except that we are our own enemies. Brexit is the cancer of the body politic. Britain is fast becoming the sick man of Europe again.

Our Brexiter friends may go down in history as the first war criminals not associated with any wars. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.

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Migrant family pregnancy expected to herald demand for more cash

For many the news of Meghan Markle’s pregnancy will be a cause for celebration, but with the Brexit cliff edge and economic collapse looming, many more are echoing the LCD Views editorial office in enquiring:

JUST HOW MUCH IS ANOTHER MIGRANT BABY GOING TO COST US ??

An American citizen married to a ginger haired slob of mixed German, Greek, Danish and British ancestry, Meghan Markle has been resident in the United Kingdom for less than one year AT THE TAXPAYER’S EXPENSE.

Yet already she has announced she ‘s expecting and will no doubt be expecting the TREASURY TO COUGH UP FOR FUNDING THE NEW ARRIVAL as well as her and her UNEMPLOYED husband.

“Coming so soon after the £10 million wasted on policing the wedding of Princess Boris to a nightclub bouncer, and their subsequent tour of Grimsby in a diamond encrusted n open topped Chieftain tank , this is an absolute disgrace,” snarled Dave Spart, head of the Windsor branch of the Tooting Popular Front.

“Don’t they know what CONDOMS are for?” he enquired.

His displeasure was echoed by a ruddy faced man on the Clapham Omnibus wearing a hand stencilled  “keep Briton white” t shirt and brandishing a can of industrial strength Stella.

“He may have served in the army but that doesn’t give him the right to a life of leisure with some foreign floozy he picked up overseas,” he belched, noisily.

“Since when did closing a car door by yourself qualify for entry into the The Highly Skilled Migrant Programme – She should bloody well go back she came from and take that GINGER MINGER of a husband with her,” he fumed.

But not everyone is convinced that the new arrival will be a massive drain on the public purse.

“Full page photo spreads in OK magazine…live video streaming of the birth..This could be a whole new source of revenue for us…I mean them, the err…royals,” opined a well spoken bald headed man in sun-glasses giving his name only as “Ed”.

“We, I mean they… could even hold a twitter poll to choose the name,” he added, conceding that they would have to make it clear in advance that “BOATY McBOATFACE” is not an option.

“Although then again, barring a Kind Hearts and Coronets” there’s not chance of it ever becoming Monarch, so why not,” he mused.

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Andrew Bridgen MP to be replaced by cheese sandwich

Andrew Bridgen MP (NW Brexitshire) is to be replaced as an MP after a recent broadcast interview in which he confusingly claimed he could be king of Ireland if he pleased.

“Because I’m an Englishman,” Mr Bridgen asserted, “and English men are the natural rulers of Irish men.”

Whether or not Mr Bridgen is also the natural ruler of Irish women he is yet to confirm, but the staggering assertion has led to the triggering of a little known parliamentary instrument called “cheddar powers”.

“Cheddar powers are only ever triggered when a sitting MP proves himself far less intelligent than a cheese sandwich,” John Bercow MP, Speaker HoC told LCD, shortly before fending off the latest Conservative Party attempt to oust him because he tells them off sometimes.

“So Mr Bridgen will be replaced by a cheese sandwich,” Mr Bercow continued, “by chance it’s made of Irish cheddar. This will probably rub a bit of salt in the wound for Mr Bridgen (here Mr Bercow fell off his chair laughing. We waited for him to climb back on to carry on) and so while Andrew “thick as mince like all ERG” Bridgen can’t claim an Irish passport, the cheddar sandwich that replaces him can and potentially thus become King of Ireland. But only after its reunification in a year or two thanks to the efforts of idiots like Bridgen. It’s all very straightforward. One would have thought Bridgen would have understood the rules of cheddar.”

And so the stellar parliamentary career of the hard right ERG boofhead Mr Bridgen draws to a sudden close and the career of a sandwich begins.

We will miss Mr Bridgen for all his work. The highlight of which was organising the parliamentary rebellion that stopped British military intervention in Syria in 2013, and thus arguably helped allow an entire catalogue of genocide to play out more forcefully than it may otherwise have, oh and also allowed that cheerful Russian chap his way back onto the world stage to wage merry havoc all over and puts us all back at risk of WW3. Well done Mr Bridgen. You must be proud.

But all is not lost. A colleague has a new venture for Andrew.

“I’m going to rebuild him as a proper bridge,” Boris Johnson took a break from bonking young blondes to tell us, “And re-name him Adraw Bridge-n. Whacko! Woof!”

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Grim Reaper rushed to A&E after accidental contact with Brexit

Saint George’s Hospital in south London is in lockdown today after a surprise patient was rushed to the famous hospital’s A&E department earlier today with suspected Brexit poisoning.

LCD Views has a correspondent at the hospital, who was receiving a triple bypass they were not expected to survive when the drama begun to unfold like a freezing and toxic fog.

Their survival was at first thought to be miraculous, but now it seems likely they made it through because Death itself was taken seriously ill at exactly the time of the surgery.

We phoned them up and told them to get out of that bed and interview a consultant treating the unexpected visitor.

They sent in this interview with Emergency Medicine and Poisoning Specialist, Doctor Arch Angel.

”Shortly before 11am this morning we were altered by emergency services that a black garbed individual with distinctive facial features and a fondness for old agricultural equipment had been taken ill at Clapham Junction Station waiting for the delayed 07:32 Southern Trains service to Brighton…”

An ambulance was dispatched to the station with orders to avoid all skin contact with the stricken commuter, just in case it was DWP Secretary Esther McVey.

But on arrival at the scene it was discovered it was actually her servant, the Grim Reaper.

”Mr Reaper was rushed to the hospital and immediately placed in an isolation ward. From the smell, the rapid progress of symptoms and the clear highly transmitable nature of the substance causing the dramatic loss of all vital organs of state, one after another, we immediately diagnosed Brexit poisoning.”

The Grim Reaper is now in intensive care, but the specialists confronted with the case are unsure if they will be able to help with any recovery at all.

”This is not my first brush with death,” Dr Angel said, “but I am uncertain if even my years of experience can affect a reversal in the patient’s deterioration. Why Death decided to touch Brexit we can only guess, if it was deliberate and not accidental, but I suspect it’s because he thought it would be fun to kill not only the Tory Party with it, but the careers of numerous Labour MPs too.”

The emergency services have since issued a reminder that all members of the public should never, under any circumstances, touch or ingest Brexit.

”It’s not a game, like poker, it’s life and death. It’s particularly dangerous to spoilt children as can be seen by what’s happening currently in parliament.”

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Transport Secretary revealed to be Grayling replacement service

As disgraced transport operator Virgin Trains distributes an obscene sum in dividends, LCD Views attempted to contact the Transport Secretary for comment. His office gave us the following message: “The Transport Secretary is currently off the rails. Instead, we are operating a Grayling Replacement Service.”

Further investigation revealed that the Grayling replacement service turned up at approximately the right place, although often late. This no-frills service meant that the standards expected of the Grayling, like coherent policies and informed comment, were entirely absent.

Searching for clarity, we spoke to railway analyst Tommy Tank. “The Grayling has been AWOL for far too long,” remarked Tank. “Since his appointment as Transport Secretary in July 2016, he has been in the sidings awaiting an essential upgrade.”

This applies to his previous incarnations as well, claims Tank. For example, he spent his time as Minister of State for Employment on the sick.

Tank, however, had no answer to the dividends paid by an operator who had simultaneously cost the taxpayer £2.3bn, so we tried asking the Grayling replacement service. “Nothing to do with me,” the service said. “There is no loss to taxpayers at this time, and how a private company manages its finances is not up to me.”

But, we argued, therefore the taxpayer should not be expected to bail out a failing franchise? “Privatisation cannot be allowed to fail!” said the service. “Look, are you getting on? Do you want me to take you for a ride, or not?”

Declining the chance to go somewhere we didn’t want to go, we were nonetheless hauled on board. Half of the fellow passengers were ecstatic, the other half wanted to get off but had been strapped in anyway. The driver waved her cycling proficiency certificate proudly, closed her eyes and shouted, “Welcome to the Mystery Tour!”

And off we went, slowly and with many changes of direction, but inexorably towards the buffers…

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Nigel Farage’s EU pension to be paid from BBC license fee if no deal between U.K. and EU

Potatoes, turnips, cabbages and other great British vegetables were in a celebratory mood today with the reassuring announcement that Nigel Farage’s EU pension will be paid from the BBC license fee.

”Only if no deal is reached between the completely trustworthy U.K. government and the rule stifled EU tyranny in Brussels,” a very unbiased Nigel Farage MEP told the collection of Russian algorithms and British born idiots who listen to his LBC show ‘Lord Haw-Haw’s half hour’.

”I’m personally happy to pay extra on top of the reasonable levy to fund the Conservative Party press release machine,” A (patriotic) Potato told LCD Views, “£350M a week if need be? I’ll phone Nigel up personally and tell him.”

Root vegetables such as carrots and turnips also said they are happy to weigh in with clods of cash.

”Since the evil empire across the channel docked Nigel’s salary for all that fraud, which he totally didn’t commit, I’ve been worrying how he’ll afford another ticket to ride in Trump’s magic ‘gold of the people’ lift. I’m happy if my entire BBC license fee is diverted straight into Nigel’s account in Panama.”

When asked for comment the Director General of the BBC, also a Lord Haw-Haw, gave confirmation of the Beeb’s willingness to divert its funding to Britain’s greatest patriot since Profumo.

”We already buy him a mansion a year for providing most of our political output,” Lord Haw-Haw confirmed, “what’s another eighty odd grand a year, indexed to rise with inflation on top of it?”

Indeed.

And in so doing so the state broadcaster can finally put to rest all those allegations of being biased to left wing politics. Everyone will be pleased. Keep Nigel warm this winter just by being forced by law to pay for the totally unbiased BBC.

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Poor people starving to death will take the pressure off the NHS, says Esther McVey

The Secretary of State for Working Your Fingers To The Bone has revealed yet another Brexit Dividend. An increased death rate, while naturally regrettable, would take some of the pressure off the beleaguered NHS.

“Cutting Universal Credit for poorer families has to be done,” remarked McVey candidly. “It is the only thing these people understand. Austerity means sink or swim, and we require a certain percentage to sink in order for austerity to produce the desired results.”

Her Department, the Ministry for Work-Shy Idlers, has forced through the changes. McVey is proud of her achievements. “The simplest way to cure poverty is simply to remove poor people from the population,” she explains. “Off the mortal coil, into the food chain, that’s my motto.”

So, work until you drop, them provide a nutritious meal for your family? “That’s right!” she confirms. “We expect Britain to be self-sufficient in gammon by Brexit Day.”

The Ministry also administers retired people. McVey has overall responsibility under her secondary role as Secretary of State for Pillaging Pensions. “It is a given that we are in favour of the small state,” she stated. “State pensions work by stockpiling funds, which could be better applied elsewhere, like on consultancy fees as we sell off the NHS piecemeal. This initiative, which must be successful, will only succeed if there is a drastic reduction in the number of patients requiring treatment.”

Surely McVey is impinging upon the work of the Health Secretary? “No, not at all,” McVey counters. “This is an example of our cross-departmental work, in which I tell the vacuous placeholder at Health how many patients he can afford to treat in the foreseeable future.”

Are you announcing a quota system for the NHS? “In effect, yes I am,” she confirmed. “Certain hospitals have been over-providing for so long that they are in negative equity. This means that they will be forbidden to provide any NHS treatment for several years. The hospitals will be mothballed and the staff unfortunately let go, although consultants will still be able to invoice them for admin fees.”

And if you get ill? “Not my problem. We all have to go some time.”

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Former PM opens halfway house in France for cabinet ministers fleeing after Brexit

LCD Views has another exclusive today with the announcement that Britain’s greatest former prime minister, Dave ‘trotters’ Cameron, has opened a halfway house in France specifically for cabinet ministers fleeing Brexit.

“As soon as that clock hits eleven pm on the twenty ninth of March next year, they’ll all be off like cockroaches fleeing a sudden bright light,” Dave told us, while stood out front of the modest chalet he’s turned into a refuge for old friends, “and they’ll need all the cracks and crannies to squeeze into they can find.”

We can’t reveal the exact location of the house for fleeing cabinet ministers, as Dave doesn’t want it overwhelmed with expats seeking autographs, but we can reveal the name.

“Trotters, of course!” a beaming Dave said, “if you’re opening an establishment that you hope to leverage appeal for with your personal brand, well, you’ve got to pick a name that resonates and makes people imagine you.”

But is it just Tories that will be welcome to hide out, or is Dave willing to welcome former parliamentary colleagues from across the lower house?

“No SNP, that’s bloody obvious. Clegg has half a chance, now he’s decided to tarnish his own brand rebuild by getting fruity about freedom of movement. It’d be nice if he dropped by, it would really cheer the Tories hiding out up. We can reminisce about stitching him up and just how wide eyed and naive he was. Corbyn is clearly welcome. He doesn’t want to be PM anyway, he just wants to get the old disaster socialist project over the line. Take power out of the chaos and hand the reigns over to McDonnell. You see what McDonnell does with Henry VIII powers! Wow! Brexit isn’t going to happen unless they stay steadfastly committed to it, if they act like HMG’s loyal opposition the whole house of cards could collapse, no, they need to appear to sit on the largest fence post ever built, while never, ever mentioning all the criminality and political interference in the post-ref police enquiries. May and the old commies make quite a team!”

And how will former MPs and cabinet ministers pass the time, while waiting to hear the public investigations are all in the long grass and they can go home?

“We’re going to ride pigs. That’s well wicked fun. We’ll all do our Enoch Powell impersonations to entertain passing kids. Foot races clearly. You saw how fast I moved on the 24th June 2016? Knowing I had totally screwed the pooch! I’d be surprised if even David Davis can run faster them me.”

Screwing the pooch? That sounds like a game you and your mates could play.

“Don’t be silly. We’re trotters not woofers. Now, if you don’t mind me I’ve got to stare at a pile of blank pages I promised to turn into a memoir.”

How’s that coming along?

“You try writing a memoir that ends in complete and utter failure and come back and ask again.”

Well, at least Trotters is certain to be a roaring success!

“It’s odds on. I’m having hoodies made with the Conservative Party logo, the burning tree on them. That way, when I shout ‘hug a hoodie’ no one will get sick in their mouth when they do it.”

Good luck Dave!

“Catch me if you can!”