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Liz Truss to offer Australia an Australia-style points-based trade deal

WHEN IS A DEAL NOT A DEAL: When it’s an Australia-style points-based deal, that’s when! It appears that the squeaky clean squeaky voiced pork marketeer Liz Truss has finally mastered believing six impossible things before breakfast.

But what does this all mean? The deal, which was proudly touted as a triumph not long ago, has been revealed as a sham. Champagne, or shambolic? 

So Truss has entered the fray, to save face, or at least to throw some more dead cats on the table in order that we might believe in fairies and unicorns too.

“We import 99% of our Vegemite,” explained Truss slowly, as if talking to particularly dense schoolchildren. “This. Is. A. Dis. Grace!”

It’s not as if a perfectly good British equivalent were not available.

“There is a solution to this,” she declared, pausing for effect. “An Australia-style points-based trade deal means we only buy stuff we want, not all the other rubbish that gets tagged along with the kangaroo testicles. We will only accept goods that reach our world beating standards.”

And how are these standards to be declared and maintained?

“We are going to appoint a Clandestine Australian Points Commander,” she said, with an undisguised note of triumph in her voice. “The Commander will assign points to all the tat that Australia tries to flog us, although we may insist he is more generous if the Aussies let us win the Ashes this time around.”

Truss disclosed that she has also tried to assimilate Australian culture, in a further bid to curry favour.

“I have learned the words to that song about Australia!” she boasted. “Listen… ‘I come from a land down under, where… something… can you hear thunder? You’d better get under cover!’ I can also play the flute solo, well a bit of it!”

Only one outcome. Nul points.

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Boris Johnson to pass new law stating Labour was in power until December 2019

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 12TH OF DECEMBER : BORIS JOHNSON’S countryciding election victory on the 12th of December 2019 is set to become even more impressive following a new law passed this week.

The new law will rewrite history to “keep it relevant for the challenges of today” and will enable the PM to make changes necessary to properly allow him to move forward.

“The Great Rewriting Act allows the Prime Minister to keep history fresh and vibrant,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “It will also allow Mr Johnson and his cabal to explain to the British people exactly who is to blame for the frankly parlour state of the country.”

The law is thought to take its inspiration from the ingrained habit of Tory MPs to blame the “last Labour government” for any problem afflicting the country, even though they haven’t been in power since 2010.

“When you look at the disaster that was the Brexit negotiations it’s easy to see that if Labour hadn’t now been in power during the discussions it would have gone much better,” the source explains. “Mr Johnson’s Oven Ready Deal was the best of a bad job. Sleepy Starmer, Jobs First Corbyn and the Wrong Miliband Brother have a lot to answer for. If Mr Johnson hadn’t been able to outwit the EU into at least a basic trade deal heaven knows where we would be now.”

Quite how Labour will respond isn’t yet clear, although keen Westminster observers expect a muted response and an effort to be constructive with the latest bout of Tory insanity because “that’s worked so very well since the 24th June 2016” so why change tack now?

“Once the law has proven itself successful it is likely that Labour will find itself responsible for everything that happens right up to yesterday. This will allow the Prime Minister to credibly claim it will be a lovely day tomorrow under his governance. Day after day. Even as the country descends into total calamity under his watch.”

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Australian Trade envoy tells Liz Truss “No deal is better than a bad deal”

BLOODY COLONIALS : THE UK’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER LIZ TRUSS is said to be “baffled”, “blindsided” and “taking comfort in cheese exports to Devon” today after the Australian trade enjoy walked away from talks that she began as the UK’s world beating trade negotiator. This was before her rise to Foreign Secretary, a post she is now imbuing with the same degree of baffled detachment her predecessor did. You remember him, it was the Man Who Discovered Dover (he had to leave to destroy the Human Rights Act. Good Tory. Good good Tory).

“Liz isn’t sure what to make of the mess Anne-Marie Trevelyan is making of all her success,” an insider in Ms Truss’s office told LCD Views. “I mean how hard is it to take the EU trade deals that Liz photocopied and get some white out out and paint over any cracks? It’s a shambles. If she wasn’t so busy arguing with Raab over their 114 room grace and favour mansion she’d get a gang of UC recipients together and go back to her old office and make hell.”

The failure to conclude the Aussie deal is especially worrying as Brits had been expected to replace food with TimTams this winter.

“If people can’t roast a jar of Vegemite in place of a turkey there’s going to be a dip in the polls,” the insider frets. “If I was Johnson I would fire that clown Trevelyan and give Liz the brief of Secretary of State for International Trade. She can easily add that to her portfolio as she does sweet f all about the two briefs she currently holds. What’s a third?”

We did seek comment from the Australians as to what went wrong but they just laughed, and then kept laughing.

“It’s alright cobber! Your entire house of cards is on fire. Let’s pick up the talks when you’re suppressing food riots. Bloody poms. Crikey!”

At least that’s what we think they said when they weren’t shrugging and whispering “Biden told us to pull the plug as a warning for stuffing around the Irish.”

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This year’s Christmas German Markets to be replaced by Great British Markets

ONE MAN AND HIS BURGER VAN: This festive season will see an unexpected Brexit bonus. The traditional German Markets, which sell such unpatriotic delicacies as glühwein and bratwurst, will instead be superceded by Great British Markets. 

This year will see the rebirth of the Great British Christmas. All European influences will be excised and replaced with the naturally superior British traditions. 

So instead of German Markets, with their anti-democratic bright colours and vibrant flavours, there will be British Markets in glorious monochrome. 

But what will they be selling? Burgers are out, because they originate in Hamburg. Bacon sandwiches would have been available, before all the British pigs were slaughtered and incinerated because of the lack of British slaughtermen. 

Fish and chips would be an obvious choice. Unfortunately, the Great British fishing industry has been killed off, and nasty European cod and haddock have been banned. 

But even if the only truly British food on offer is a stale, crusty cheese and onion roll derived from 1970s bar snacks, nationalistic pride alone will provide a warm glow. 

Gluhwein, mulled wine, hot chocolate and other likewise European monstrosities will, thankfully, be banished forever. Instead there will be weak tea and keg bitter, made with e-coli-enriched British water. 

Christmas trees are of course German, so don’t expect one of those. Instead, bring last year’s holly wreath, and partner it with the ivy reclaiming derelict city centre buildings. 

We must also consider whether it is right to celebrate the birth of a man born over 2,000 years ago, bearing in mind that he was a migrant born to a single mother seeking asylum in a cowshed. Instead we should commemorate a British Messiah, and celebrate Borismas or Faragemas. 

Ultimately the idle British working man shouldn’t waste a precious day just because it’s December 25th. Humbug, bah humbug! 

Who needs fun anyway, when you’ve got sovereignty? 

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Matt Hancock appointed Minister for Saving Christmas

TURKEYS GONNA TURKEY : In recent days it has appeared as if failed Health Secretary Matt Hancock was going to continue to fail to regain prominence, now that he’s sorted out his domestics. Happily his old friend the Prime Minister has found time in his holiday schedule to help.

“Something had to be done,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Matt became a complete laughing stock again this week and looked like slinking back off into the shadows afterwards. Not while Boris Johnson has the power to stop it. He is still giggling to himself over the way Hancock assisted in ending his time as Health Secretary to make way for someone even worse. Why not get another laugh out of Hancock?”

The laugh appears to be in the form of a new ministry created just for Matt.

“The Ministry for Saving Christmas is going to be one of the largest in Whitehall,” the source explains. “Mr Hancock will be in the headlines daily leading up to the 25th of December. It’ll be all optimism and protective rings around presents, until the inevitable failure and deflection spectacle. Boris is going to be laughing all the way to the mince pies.”

The budget for the new department is not yet set, but it is believed that with Mr Hancock’s well developed ties to the business community he’ll be able to cut enough deals to make it self-funding.

“The only potential sticking point is whether or not Matt can get fat enough in time to dress up as Father Christmas and run around a turkey farm with an axe,” the source muses. “Although Boris is more than ready to get the prop beard splattered.”

Will Christmas be saved? Can Matt Hancock be the man to do it? Action Matt will give it his damnedest.

“Just remember as you see Matt on the television explaining how he won’t reveal the confidential details of a deal to supply tinsel by a bankrupt pizza box manufacturer that people actually voted for this. Hancock, the man who invoked the WW2 dead in his bid to become Tory leader and then doubled back on that. He did that and was returned to office.”

Saving Christmas? Can it be done?

“It has to be. It’s now the entire focus of the UK’s future economic and industrial strategy. Put your trust in Matt. If he’s got any brains the first thing and only thing he’ll do is commission a badge that says Christmas.”

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BREAKING : Job title of Prime Minister changed to “Tsar” in honour of Tory Party donors

PAY TO PLAY : 10 Downing Street has confirmed this morning that the official job title of the country’s most prominent minister has changed. It was felt the old title of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland was too long for modern attention spans and something “retro” and “catchy” would be best to reflect the contemporary British political climate.

“We settled on Tsar Boris Johnson because everyone knows what a Tsar is,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Rumours that Mrs Johnson came up with the idea first are true, but we will not confirm it unless everyone starts looking for her Rasputin.”

While the job title may have been shortened the public should not be concerned that the duties of the office held by Tsar Johnson have changed.

“If anything he’s taking on more work,” the source advises. “The new title reflects well the accumulation of executive power by 10 Downing Street and opens the way for the post to be inherited by one of Mr Johnson’s various children. The Queen is right behind it because the Royals will do what we tell them to if they want to keep their palaces. Also Tsar is reminiscent of the links of the British royal family with other historical autocrats. In this way it’s a very sympathetic change.”

The public are warned though not to be concerned that the connotations of absolute rule the title holds are anything to worry about.

“We’ll be passing a law to make it illegal to disrespect the office of Tsar. So if you’re bothered about it I’d keep quiet.”

But it’s not just a rebrand so Mr Johnson’s title reflects his behaviour and the direction of travel of the United Kingdom.

“When you have a look at the list of Tory Party donors you’ll understand it’s a really nice gesture by the Johnson’s. A doff of the cap to oligarchs who pay to play in the UK today.”

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Downing Street moves to outlaw laughing at German jokes about Brexit

I LAUGHED AT US ONCE BUT I THINK I GOT AWAY WITH IT : 10 Downing Street has become alarmed over the increasing number of reports of British people laughing at German jokes about Brexit. So alarmed they have decided to do something about it, just as soon as the country’s ruling couple return from their latest holiday.

“Priti Patel is incensed too,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “She’s sent a Whatsapp to Johnson saying not to worry though because she’s going to have the Border Force turn off the internet of anyone in the UK laughing at themselves. Border Force will be employed to this end just until the new Patriotic Humour Force can be set up. They’re advertising for staff now. You’ll need to have a deeply myopic and fantastical concept of British history to join.”

But with various ministers jockeying behind the scenes to position themselves for a run at the top job it’s believed Mr Johnson himself will take command of the response, just as soon as he finishes his latest holiday. And before he goes on his next one.

“The PM is thinking of a three strikes and you’re out rule. Share a post on social media of a German TV show laughing at Brexit and you’ll lose internet access for life. Distribute a pamphlet with a print out of a similar event and you’ll be sentenced to fruit pick on a Tory donor’s soft fruit farm. Download a video onto your phone and you’ll have to re-wallpaper his home. He’s a famous liberal and free speech must be protected.”

Hopefully the measures will remind British people that there is nothing funny about Brexit.

“Brexit is deadly serious. It has turned us into a global laughing stock. But when you’re considering whether or not to eat the cat or dog first this winter, and whether or not the use the less desirable [taste wise] pet as cooking fuel, you’ll soon wipe that smile off your face.”

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“We never expected Brexit to work once we did it,” say Brexiters

IMPROVISED GOVERNMENT : The UK’s government and its supporters are facing increasingly shrill demands to explain what the hell is happening as the country smoulders, soon to burst into flames, thanks to Brexit. But it’s okay because Mr Johnson and his cabal are straight shooters.

“We never expected Brexit to work once we did it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “What idiot thought we had any plan at all? Don’t you recall David Davis’s empty headed grin as he sat down to talks with Barnier? Nothing in David’s hands and nothing in his mind but a fantasy world our political system allows him to propagate. If you thought Brexit was going to work you need to think long and hard about your news sources. Don’t come blaming us because you believed elected representatives. More fool you.”

The strong statement will settle minds at least by making obvious what is bleedingly obvioius.

“Brexit is a wrecker’s agenda. It’s smash the UK apart and take its assets. You don’t think all that quiet US cash was in it to strengthen workers rights and protect the NHS? It’s your fault for having a great asset store in the UK in the home ownership of over 50’s. Anyone care to pay for social care? Or that hip operation? Let’s release your liquidity. This is Brexit. Together with arms sales and money laundering. In that sense it works fantastically. Suckers.”

What to do now that the project’s pushers are finally honest about the mounting crisis is not yet clear, as no major bloc of opposition MPs seem capable of mentioning Brexit and identifying it as the accelerant in the UK bin fire.

“I’m sure you will see a leader of the opposition finally confront Brexit at some stage,” the source shrugged. “Not Jobs First Brexit Corbyn, not (sadly) I dare not speak its name Starmer. Maybe someone like Lammy in a few years? Although clearly Labour will have to wait for the Tories to dethrone their idiots and turn on the project before they pivot.”

UK politics. You either hate it or you aren’t paying attention at the moment. Now run along and enjoy your tangible benefits.

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“British businesses must learn to adapt to going out of business” – Downing Street

AND THE BAND PLAYED ON : The UK’s government has stopped at nothing to ensure that every sector of the UK economy experiences the possibilities of Brexit, and there’s no sign of ramping down on that.

Businesses are becoming vocal over what the new opportunities mean, especially given that it’s now a constant state of crisis. Although Downing Street have moved to reassure everyone that the hedge funds are doing roaring business and really that’s “all that matters”.

But to help with the transition to the post Brexit economy the business minister and his little ministers have spoken to the press to provide reassurance.

“Government has heard your concerns and we are determined to do nothing about them but release word salads,” the Department for Business told LCD Views. “We will of course cook up some headline grabbing initiatives to lure EU workers back into the arms of Priti Patel. You can expect these to fail completely and for us to claim success.”

There was further guidance though for any business operator, or employee in a vulnerable sector.

“We are changing as a country. Change isn’t always easy. Growth isn’t always painless, unless you have offshore accounts in tax havens. Ha!” the department advised. “But we need you to do your part to help us seize the tangible benefits of Brexit. To this end you must adapt with us. You must be ready to lower your expectations and crush your dreams. You will face the sternest of government responses if you attempt to expose Brexit for the shoddy scam we all know that it is.”

There is of course one great thing that businesses can do to this end.

“British businesses must learn to adapt to going out of business,” the Business Secretary reassured. “And to allow the corpses of your enterprises to be scavenged over by our party donors. Otherwise what was the point of Brexit?”

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MPs told to face deselection if they ever apologise

SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD: It is well known that the top brass in Westminster regard saying sorry to be a sign of weakness. This erroneous view has now been crystallised in a new Tory directive. 

Henceforth, any Conservative MP apologising for anything will be instantly deselected as a party MP. They will be barred from ever seeking reelection. Any prospect of becoming a Lord will vanish. The cushy non-executive directorships of blue chip companies will go to someone more loyal. 

The after dinner speeches will never take place. Nobody will be willing to give them a leg up, ever again. Their MP’s pension will mysteriously vanish. If they want to work again, they will have to go down to the Job Centre like the rest of us. 

This move is, apparently, part of the drive towards open government, democracy and accountability. 

“We are taking our cue from the Great Lady Thatcher,” explained Home Office wonk Anne Tagonist. “La belle dame sans merci. Or, in a proper English language, the beautiful woman who never says thank you. Or please. Or sorry.” 

This fits in perfectly with Send ‘Em Home Secretary Priti Patel’s vision of a kind, caring, modern Britain. 

“This initiative requires a great deal of planning and unity,” babbled Tagonist. “Part of this needs all MPs to sing from the same hymn sheet. They must all recognise that they are part of a grand plan. So they must support the message, even if they are incapable of seeing the bigger picture. But there can be no tolerance of dissent. Any implication that we might have got something wrong must be punished. Apologies cannot be made under any circumstances. There is no alternative!”

To sum up, if you don’t like it, leave the Conservative party, the old boys network,, the privilege and the gravy train. 

There’s nothing to be sorry about.