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WhatsApp outage causes “record” backlog of unsent racist and sexist memes in Tory chat groups

FREE SPEECH : WHATSAPP’S CRASH yesterday caused the entire system of governance of the United Kingdom to grind to a halt for several hours as a tech team was dispatched to California to turn the internet off and on again, much like that episode of South Park.

The impact was felt directly in the UK as Whatsapp has replaced the Houses of Parliament as the main chamber of government and for networking, exchanging gossip and keeping everyone’s spirits up as they trash the country.

“It was horrifying,” Tory Tory MP told LCD Views. “The hatter of second cousin twice removed had Whatsapp’d a killer meme about drowning refugees just before the crash into my local church group and I couldn’t share it to my local parliamentary group. It was heart breaking. For a moment I felt like I was facing a crushing cut to my pay while watching an inheritance millionaire Chancellor smugly celebrate his shocking rise up the greasy ladder.”

The backlog of unsent racist and sexist memes is expected to clear throughout the day now that the servers which crashed have been resurrected by tech magic (our tech correspondent is on holidays, we can’t explain it).

“It will actually be a bit of win in the end,” Tory Tory MP told LCD Views. “As we’re all at Conference together for a weeklong laugh at poor people we can just show each other the memes on our phones. Then when the texts arrive we get to laugh about it all again. Which will be nice with canapes and bubbles at lunch.”

Whatsapp? Whatsdown.

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We’re getting on with the job, and we really mean it this time, say Tory MPs

ALL TALK AND NO ACTION: Tories have gathered together to brainstorm the latest set of empty platitudes. We are getting on with the job, they claim, though which job they mean is by no means certain.

Eager drones were very keen to talk about it, though less keen to share any concrete proposals. “It’s going to be great!” remarked cannon fodder Faye Kingitt. “Obviously I can’t disclose any details, but we are definitely getting on with it, and we really, really mean it this time!”

Other minor MPs were equally effusive, and equally lacking in detail. “It’s about time that we got over the disaster left for us by the last Labour government,” remarked Phil E. Buster, who had at least got all the catchphrases ready. “We are building back better, levelling up, doubling down, in, out, shake it all about. We are getting on with it, working night and day, and we will get it done, have no doubts about that!”

It’s about time. The Tories have had eleven years not getting on with the job and letting things slide. But how do we know that anything will change?

“Change is good, inevitably some will not like it, and there will be bumps in the road,” admitted Kingitt. “But change is essential. That is what Conservative means, after all!”

“There will always be winners and losers,” admitted Buster. “But it is our job to make sure the winners win, and the losers lose, this is why Brexit was necessary, the EU wanted to reverse the natural way of things, make losers win, and so forth, which is not the way we do things in the UK, and we will be getting on with it really, really soon, and we really, really mean it, honest!”

In other news, hell is freezing over tomorrow, at least according to the Daily Express long range forecast.

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Home Office to allow EU citizens to use Donations of Food and Fuel as Visas

WE DON’T NEED EU REALLY REALLY WE DON’T : The Home Office is to begin a stunning new visa scheme from Monday which will really put egg on the faces of those unpatriotic critics that say Brexit is isolating the UK.

“People who try desperately to link food and fuel shortages to Brexit are going to look pretty bloody silly from tomorrow,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Priti Patel and her team have knocked it out of the park with the new Food and Fuel Visa scheme.”

The scheme will allow EU citizens to gain temporary access to the UK so long as they bring a donation of food and or fuel and deliver it to a retail outlet.

“Because we have zero customs checks for goods entering the UK there won’t be any problem with standards,” the source celebrates. “We have no standards in Brexitannia. It’s very liberating. This will also do a lot to boost the travel industry who is somewhat weirdly freaked out about the lengths Patel is going to to close Britain off to visitors.”

But patriots worried that the scheme will see EU27 nationals flood the UK again don’t have to worry.

“The Food and Fuel visas are time limited. Just long enough to get the food to a supermarket and piss off back across the Channel. Clearly if you want an extended stay you need to bring petrol too. Anyway caught overstaying will be ejected by catapult out of our sovereign land and across our sovereign waters.”

Still, it won’t be as easy as just swanning up to border control and showing them a baguette or a length of wurst.

“All food and fuel items must be Union Flag packaged or they will be confiscated and the illegal visitor refused entry. We aren’t going to fall into any sneaky Continental traps. Oh no.”

Food and Fuel visas. This is what TAKING BACK CONTROL looks like.

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BREAKING : All foreign born residents in U.K. given HGV licences

A PROBLEM SHARED : Downing Street have solved the niggling post Brexit teething problem of a shortage of qualified labour in the haulage industry. As of midnight today all foreign born UK residents will automatically qualify to drive heavy goods vehicles.

The decision to pass them all at once is said to be a “masterstroke” of Prime Minister Boris Johnson in between the “sixth and seventh courses” at dinner last night, but “before the sorbet, which he finds as boring as falling life expectancy under his watch”.

What the new drivers will feel about their sudden qualifications isn’t clear. However both Brexiters and Lexiters expect the hoovering of labour from one sector to another of the economy during a sudden “economic shock and systemic crisis caused by wilful pursuit of ideology with no reference to reality or the holistic nature of society” will be a complete success. No one can expect inflation to hammer UC recipients as a result.

“To assist with the transition from whatever they were doing till today the Home Office is working with the Department of Transport to help,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “By way of Henry VIII powers we have passed a new law criminalising anyone who can talk foreign who doesn’t immediately turn up for work with their new Class 1 licence.”

Age is not thought to be a deterrent, either youth or old age, as “you’re just sitting in a bally cab letting the truck do most of the work anyway”, according to the Prime Minister.

Once the pilot scheme has proved a complete success it will be rolled out to other areas of the economy which are also experiencing shortages.

“Javid is especially eager to use the new system to solve the NHS workforce shortfalls. He saw a child with a toy stethoscope the other day and believed he was a doctor. It won’t be long before this is actually true.”

The one exception will be wealthy Tory donors who were born overseas as they will “be given peerages so long as the money keeps flowing into the Tory Party coffers.”

The decision to gift the licences out does also mean that the Prime Minister himself is now instantly qualified to drive a HGV.

“Mr Johnson is looking forward to getting into the cab of a giant truck and driving it back and forth over whatever is left of the economy. Once Brexit is finished with it.”

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Downing St – “UK food and petrol crisis is fault of driver’s strike” like Brussels supermarket

MISS REPRESENT AT YOUR SERVICE : DOWNING STREET have had their “men who work in the shadows” busy this week, allegedly, attempting to pretend that the supply crisis worsening in the UK, post Brexit, is nothing to do with Brexit.

The exceptional wheeze is expected to completely cloud people’s vision when they go to the shop and “see nothing there” and then try and fill up with petrol and see “no petrol there”. Seeing is after all believing. And so long as there is one image on social media of an empty shelf in Brussels than Brexit is perfect. Even if the empty shelf in Brussels has nothing to do with the current supply chain pressures in Europe.

“It’s not yet clear how successful the attempt to deflect attention away from the UK’s worsening issues will be. This is because the only Brexit that could ever have succeeded was the Brexit in Dan Hannan’s mind. Nigel Farage’s mind. Boris Johnson’s mind. Priti Patel’s mind. Etc. Ad nauseum. Once the Brexit was let out of those bizarre little composting cages it was all over, for Brexit. Now we all have to pay for it,” said a Brexit expert.

We did ask the government for comment, allegedly, because just wishing shit away never solves anything. We’re increasingly concerned about feeding our children. Alongside wondering how many times they’ll catch the virus in Johnson’s tantric pandemic. But all we got was the following manufactured statement :

“The UK food and petrol crisis will soon be joined by medical and energy crises.”

Shortly after a correction followed,

“Ignore the previous statement. It was honest. This is the statement.”

We waited. It arrived.

“The UK food and petrol crisis the fault of a driver’s strike. Just like the Brussel’s supermarket.”

We tapped our fingers. This was not credible.

“The driver’s name is Tony, he comes from Bolton, he’s on strike and we’ve sent the army in to deal with him.”

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Business Secretary says he expects UK economy to exceed levels last seen after “the Romans left”

COMING AND GOING : The UK’s Under Secretary of State for Fucking Business has taken to the press today to support his boss Kwasi Kwarteng’s assessment of UK economic prospects.

“We’re in transition,” Rt Hon Horrible Prospects told LCD Views. “We’re transitioning from a functional, fully integrated, industrialised and powerful nation into a shitshow where bin fires are the largest growth sector. If you’ve some old oil drums in your backyard it’s going to be very exciting. You can rent them out by the hour. Make extra supplying the foraged combustibles.”

The Under Secretary of State words will bring hope and cheer to many who are likely looking at the worsening supply chain issues and wondering what the hell is going on? How bad is this going to get before sanity returns? Why don’t all the opposition MPs band together to demand this farcical vulture capitalist government get to fuck? And really what is the point of having a sovereign monarch if they just do not seem to care at all how badly the country is mismanaged?

“I have of course noted your concerns over the present supply issues,” Horrible Prospects added. “After reading into the future what you’re writing here and writing backwards to now. I can honestly say all this will be solved instantly by honestly pretending an empty shelf in Brussels is honestly caused by exactly the same forces we are experiencing and Brexit is innocent.”

Having soothed everyone’s worries, even as the petrol queues continue, Horrible Prospects added one final layer of support to his boss, who just sounds ridiculous.

“The UK is in transition. That’s our catchphrase for a few days. After that is complete we can expect the economy to exceed levels last seen after the Romans left. It’s very exciting. They’re be some lovely pottery.”

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Boris Johnson to lead “clap for the economy” every Thursday evening

IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT: Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for our precious and beloved economy! Because we aren’t going to do anything more constructive than that. 

Leading the regular Thursday clap for the economy will be none other than Crime Minister Boris Johnson. In other words, he will be seen to be doing something positive, without actually having to do anything at all. 

Armies of obedient MPs were sent out into the real world to push the fake narrative that Number Ten scribbled on the back of a fag packet. 

“Boris cares deeply about the economy,” said one such drone, Holden McCrownjewels, at the press conference hastily arranged to mark the announcement. “This is the beginning of a huge turnaround! Not a U-turn, not a policy failure, and definitely not Gesture Politics!” 

Quite how this squares with Johnson’s unguarded “fuck business” comment, nobody knows. The hopeless hired hacks lapped it all up like the obedient poodles they are. 

It was the same everywhere. The BBC, ITV, Sky, all had the same spiel from identikit MPs like Una Bashed and Lister Platt-Etudes. All of them delivered their words while secretly hoping it wasn’t Thursday. 

Channel 4 tried to get under the skin of one such unfortunate. This led to him droning on about vaccines and how useless Labour are, but no further clarity on economic policy. 

One thing, however, is certain. Boris Johnson will milk the publicity until The People realise that making a noise once a week does nothing to prevent the economy tanking. Since they will likely no longer have a job or a home, thanks to the dying economy, they will be outside anyway, and may as well clap to keep warm. 

Thank you, economy! Thank you and good night. All good things come to an end. We’ll miss you. 

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MPs to take the place of low level offenders, says Dominic Raab

I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON: Recently relegated rogue MP Dominic Raab has come up with a great plan to avoid any unnecessary scrutiny. In his grand plan, low level offenders will be recruited to overcome the national shortage of competent MPs.

Naturally MPs must make the switch in the opposite direction. Any MP lacking the courage of his or her convictions can now have someone else’s conviction, for free.

The allegedly former senior lawyer and heartthrob with the throbbing vein in his temple believes that, at worst, nobody will notice. “The public thinks that we sit around all day, being fed and watered by the public purse, while doing nothing,” remarked low level offender Nick Sweets. “Honestly, the same could be said of most MPs.”

The famous anonymous Downing Street Source struggled to counter Sweets’ assertion. “It’s not true at all!” gibbered the Source, looking around desperately for some straws to grasp. “For example, only today Grant Shapps has drawn up a list! Boris Johnson has put on a Hi-Viz jacket! The list goes on!”

Meanwhile, people like Sweets will be given rigorous training to allow them to solve the MP shortage. The process is likely to be streamlined, says the Source.

“We will show them how to wear a tie,” said the Source. “As Mr Speaker will tell you, this is the first and most important duty of an MP. Their dress is designed to command respect. Then they will be shown how to vote, and told what to vote for. After that, it’s up to them!”

“The question is, do I want to sit all day with a bunch of criminals shouting at each other?” asked Sweets, reasonably. “On balance, I think I would rather stay in prison.”

While Raab and his fellow crooks hope that swapping their MP roles for a short prison sentence means that they will get off lightly for their crimes.

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Government to solve fuel crisis by building Nightingale petrol stations

ALL MOUTH AND NO TROUSERS: The government has solved the fuel supply crisis at a stroke. It is to build a chain of Nightingale petrol stations to absorb the demand. 

“This worked perfectly with Nightingale hospitals,” remarked Glib Solutions minister Kaye Ottic. “They bought us precious time Get Covid Done, and to think up another dead end story to throw the public off the scent.” 

There are plenty of unanswered questions. Who is going to staff these filing stations? Where is specialised equipment like fuel pumps coming from? And how is the fuel going to get there in the first place? 

“We know what we are doing,” lied Ottic. “In Brexit Britain we need to believe in better. The resourceful British public with their great British common sense will find a way. And remember, it would have been much worse under Corbyn. I don’t see the Labour Party coming up with any solutions, and in any case the EU is to blame for withholding their cheap labour, this is why Leaving was so essential. They just need to be reminded that they need us much more than we need them.”

That’s no sort of an answer. 

“I’ve responded fully, and you are beginning to sound unpatriotic,” snapped Ottic. “If you dare to question me again, then Priti Patel will investigate your family tree, and deport you because your auntie once went on holiday to Corsica.” 

That’s reassuring. Corsica is a lovely place. Sounds like win-win to me. So what are you going to do when cars pull up to your useless Nightingale petrol stations? Wave a flag at them? 

“Yes. Now remove this whingeing traitor from this country,” she growled to her goons. “They will put you in quarantine. Two weeks in an all-expenses paid hotel in Corsica, wearing a face mask. You won’t like that!” 

It is to be hoped that there is enough fuel to power the aeroplane. 

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Baby receives HGV licence after UK Gov psychic reveals he was trucker in last life

WEANED ON THE MOTORWAYS : Little Bertie Barry is to return to the profession he loved so dearly in his last life this week after a UK Government psychic revealed he was a HGV driver in his last life.

What the parents of little Bertie think of the sudden change in his profession from “infant” to “Class 1 licence holder” is not yet clear as they’ve been hit with a gagging order by the Department for Transport.

“Being able to silence dissent is one of the tangible benefits of Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Before we left the EU Bertie’s parents would have been able to protest his rendition and conscription into the Reserve Tanker Fleet, based on the reading of his aura. But today? Can you hear them complain? I can’t. So they must have given consent. Although under new laws introduced this week via Henry VIII powers we don’t need their assent anyway. Get Trucking Done! Bertie! Bertie! Look here! Beeeeertieeeeeeee! Get trucking done! He’s adorable.”

Critics though have pointed out that the conscription of one class one infant into the Reserve Tanker Fleet is hardly sufficient to make up the dramatic loss of drivers in 2021.

“There’s always unpatriotic types trying to talk Britain down,” the spokesman responded. “Bertie is just the first infant. There will be many more. To ensure sufficient conscription we are expanding the UK Government Psychic Fleet to several more. And it’s not just infants. We’ll be exhuming Georgian era coach drivers to man the Reserve Reserve Tanker Fleet. That’s horses. It will be quite a sight to see infants driving HGV’s competing with skeletons in charge of teams of horses racing each other on the motorways to get you your petrol!”

For his part, former Brexit Secretary and complete genius, David “DD” Davis gave his support to the conscription of babies and the raising of the dead.

“It just proves I was correct when I said Brexit wouldn’t turn the UK into a Mad Max style dystopia,” Mr Davis commented. “There’s no horses in the films.”