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MPs threatening to resign if they are forced to work full time as MPs

THE DEVIL MAKES WORK FOR IDLE HANDS TO DO: Tory MPs are revolting. The mere suggestion that they should put in 35 hours of honest hard work representing the people who elected them has been greeted by howls of outrage. 

It’s as if the idea that a wealthy chap is obliged to actually earn their income is anathema to our MPs. Especially the ones who claim to be working night and day. 

The same world beating drones are now claiming to have discovered some principles. Or at least realised that they won’t be comfortable on the take in full view of the nation. 

“It’s a flaming liberty, that’s what it is!” spluttered outraged backbencher Billy O’Nair. “Being an MP was supposed to be a cushy number! Safe seat, show your face every now and then, keep your head down, don’t rock the boat, rack up the directorships. A few phone calls, lunch, golf, a couple more zeroes on the bank balance. That’s what Eton and Oxford prepare you for!”

What objection do you have to doing the job you are paid to do? 

“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous!” scoffed O’Nair. “Everyone knows that being an MP is just a perk to compensate for being crap at the law. Plenty of status and contacts. Cheap food and drink. Opportunities to bullshit for England. Bit of pocket money. It’s a doss job, it’s just a chance to grease the wheels. Work? WORK?! Only idiots work! It’s a disgrace, an outrage! Well I’m not standing for it, I’m not going to be made a fool of, plenty more ways to coin it in out of the public eye.”

How dare the ordinary citizens of this great country demand that their representatives actually represent them. It’s no wonder MPs are lining up to resign in protest. 

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Youngest Tory MP retires early after selling his seat in parliament to oil giant

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : The government is said to be in a “stable, but bereaved” state today after the youngest Tory MP in the House of Commons chose early retirement.

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth was expected to be a leading light as the Conservative Party continued to make head roads into the younger voting demographics, but it seems that will no longer be possible.

“We can still use him as an aspirational example I suppose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Although I doubt he will be much use on the campaign trial. Mostly because he’ll be in one of his Caribbean homes.”

The Prime Minister himself is said to be feeling a deep sense of betrayal over Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth’s decision to cash out early. It is understood he had personally backed the youthful MP over a scandal involving a replica ivory shoehorn and a game of sardines which left several domestic staff needing A&E treatment.

How much Fitz was able to sell his seat for isn’t publicly available, as it is a matter of private interest.

“It’s in the hundreds of millions,” the source admits. “I mean would you cash out early otherwise? Given the earning potential of being a lobbyist for corporate interests in the Mother of Parliaments?”

What is also fuzzy at the moment is whether or not the oil giant will attend the Commons personally to vote.

“I suspect they’ll vote via Zoom? Flying back and forth from their headquarters in the eastern steppe to vote isn’t going to greenwash with anyone.”

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth wasn’t available for comment as he was currently asleep after a late night “sesh” at some villa in Tuscany.

Critics of the MP’s decision are said to be furiously phoning around their corporate sponsors to see what the “going rate” is for their constituency.

“PMQs won’t be much changed over the coming year,” the source adds. “It’ll just be Starmer facing a wall of corporate logos on empty benches. Which is basically how it operates right now at our world beating parliament.”

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Matt Hancock hired to ghostwrite PM’s book on Shakespeare – claims Matt Hancock

SHALL I COMPARE THEE : Former Secretary of State for PPE Contracts to Mates, Matt Hancock, has not had a dull moment since ditching his family for “the other woman”, who conveniently for Matt ditched her family too for “the other man”. What with almost becoming a UN envoy and almost getting a book deal it’s been non-stop Action Man Matt. And that’s not even considering shopping for a new sofa.

Now he’s to really put the pedal to the medal though if he is to be believed. Manufactured rumours circulating on social media claim that Matt Hancock is indeed getting a six figure book deal, but it’s not to write about how he conquered the pandemic.

“That’s because the deal isn’t for a fictional book,” a source inside Matt’s mind tells LCD Views. “Although whatever he produces will have a heavy dose of make believe to it. But that’s just Matt. You may remember Matt from not supporting the illegal prorogation of parliament in 2019 in the service of Brexit? Because that would go against everything those men died on the beaches for. And then he did! Because it got him a place in the Cabinet.”

The actual book Matt is to write is a closely guarded secret.

“That’s why he can only leak rumours about his latest and greatest climb up the career ladder,” the source nods, and winks. “He’s been hired by Boris Johnson to ghost write his book on Shakespeare. It’s not going to get finished any other way. And it’s a stroke of genius from the PM. When it’s roundly decried by critics who bothered to study the subject, Johnson can just blame Matt.”

If you’ve got a job you need to deny hiring someone to do, just phone Matt. He’s available 24/7, seven days a week for any job you don’t want him to do. Let’s call it, a little touch of Mattgick.

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DOWNING STREET to change standards on polls to ensure the correct result is always achieved

IF YOU DON’T LIKE THESE POLLS I HAVE OTHERS : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to be in an upbeat and fighting mood today as Labour continue to batter ten types of crap out of the Tories in the political polls, and they aren’t even trying to, merely continuing the world beating strategy since 2010 of not opposing the biggest, maddest idea the Tories have. It’s worked so well so far, why change now? The Cons will destroy themselves if you wait long enough. Okay, they didn’t destroy themselves over austerity, they’re not even destroying themselves over Brexit, the appalling pandemic mismanagement hasn’t hurt them overly much either, which is the great plus of a constructive opposition. But the sleaze is doing it. The grubbiness and greed. Whacko! The tabloids have decided it is time to re-invent the country’s government!

There is of course only one flaw in all this and that is the power of Mr Johnson to ignore reality and tell you what reality is. And here is where the genius shines.

“We’re simply going to dismantle the old way of polling the public and set up a committee to ensure the correct results are always achieved,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We need to see the Tories consistently polling between 40-50% in the polls again.”

The model for the makeover is to hand too.

“We’ll take the plans we have for oversight of MPs and use it for polling,” the source explains. “Every pollster will have to submit his findings to 10 Downing Street before publishing them. This way Mr Johnson can correct their findings. This is just natural justice. A right of appeal by the executive against the will of the people. It will provide the strong and stable leadership the United Kingdom needs.”

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Control your borders, because we can’t control ours, say people who took back control of our borders

OPEN ALL HOURS: The country that famously took back control of its borders is now complaining at France. This is because it wants France to control their border, to stop people noticing that it didn’t really take back control. 

Or rather, it did, but couldn’t be bothered to actually put in the necessary work. Equally famously, the country employed a Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, to sort out all the problems with smelly migrants. Alas, he is so Clandestine that he has disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

This leaves rentagobshite Nigel Farage, who unfortunately hasn’t disappeared in a puff of smoke, to shout impotently into the void instead. In Brexit Britain, this apparently passes as policy these days. 

This leads to column inches in the more intolerant press. They continue to churn our sensational headlines to enrage people who neither live near the coast, nor have ever encountered any problems with incomers. 

“Les Anglais ‘ave a certain je ne sais quoi,” remarked French border controller Paul de Otherone. “They ‘ave plenty of chutzpah, but no schadenfreude. Something ‘as got lost in the translation, je pense.” 

It’s a bit rich asking the French to control our border for us, isn’t it, asked LCD Views in perfect Franglais. 

“If Les Anglais cannot stop boats crossing La Manche, it is not our fault,” said de Otherone, with a Gallic shrug. “C’est la vie, n’est pas? But we Francais, we ‘old all the cards. And once the boats leave the EU, there is no need to ‘ave them back. I ‘ate to ‘ave to say it, but Les Francais, we fart in your general direction.” 

This leaves the UK blowing in the wind, its policy in tatters, its border as secure as a pair of Farage’s discarded Union Jack underpants. 

No policy is better than a bad policy. This is where we are now. Border means border. 

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PM renames UK to put “distance” between corrupt reputation and “present day”

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : BRITAIN’S 10,003rd greatest living classical scholar is also its Prime Minister and Britain couldn’t be more lucky if it tried.

“Recently there’s been some bad press about UK plc,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the dream factory in 10 Downing Street have come up with a way to clear the slate and get back our solid gold rep.”

The plan appears to be to rebrand the country much like an insurance, banking or accountancy firm post the 2007-8 financial crisis.

“We’re going to be holding a referendum on what to call the brand new country that will be taking the world by storm,” the source informs. “Mr Johnson is said to favour Really Western Siberia in honour of the Tory Party’s biggest donors. Although the country’s newest royal, Mrs Johnson, is rumoured to be pushing hard for Johnson Land to also be on the ballot.”

But while there is rumoured to be “broad support” within the rank and file of the Con party for the makeover not everyone is happy.

“We were told he’d already renamed the country and now we find we’ll have to campaign in a referendum on the name? Still, I guess it will sweep the tsunami of bad press focused on just how brainsplittingly corrupt so many Tory MPs are off the front pages. It could be worth a shot.”

To increase public buy in there will also be an empty space on the ballot paper where voters can write in their own suggestion.

“Country McCountryface is certain to get a look in,” the Downing Street source adds. “That’s my personal favourite.”

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BREAKING : DOWNING STREET to hold BOGOF sale of Tory MPs this weekend!

PRE-LOVED CONDITION : 10 DOWNING STREET is to combat the wave of sleaze which threatens to overwhelm the Johnson administration by “letting everyone have a piece of the action”.

The plan appears to be to hold a sale of Tory MPs modelled along the line of major supermarkets and “Buy One and Get One Free” offers. The price of MPs will be set at standard market rates, but a real bargain given you’ll get a second Tory MP for free.

“Or both for half price,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s all a question of how you look at it. Why not pick up a Jenrick and a Hancock when you’re doing your grocery shopping this weekend? Okay, the used by date on both is a bit ripe, but they still have the same old contact book and access to the heart of government. Shapps is an exception though, because he is several people at once, allegedly. That’s a real hidden gem. Get in early to avoid disappointment!”

What customers do with the MPs once they own them is up to them.

“It just depends on your area of special interest,” the source advises. “If you are enjoying the opportunities that have been provided by the opening up of the public sector to privatisation than owning two MPs can really help boost your profits. Don’t want to spend money on expensive, imported chemicals and couldn’t care less what happens to the UK’s waterways because you live in a mansion on the Med? Get in!”

But critics of the move have said the sales will be on “false premises” because the recent scandal involving Owen Paterson proves that “Tory MPs are already in full ownership by special interests”.

To keep demand high though people purchasing MPs won’t have to list the acquisition with any official registry as “that boring accountability stuff is all pre-Brexit”. If you find yourself owning a pair though you will be encouraged to treat them like a small and pampered dog so they “don’t get restless and shit on the sofa or chew up your favourite slippers like Paterson did.”

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Government to make post of Prime Minister hereditary

STRONG AND STABLE SUCCESSION : DOWNING STREET has moved to quell concerns over the future of the Prime Minister today with a new law making the post hereditary.

The decision to keep the job of PM “in the family” by Mr Johnson is believed to have been prompted by speculation over his future as Prime Minister. Tory MPs are said to be restless after the stunning discovery that rampant, corrupt shithousery by Tory MPs is not exactly a vote winner.

“We thought we’d left the 1990’s far behind us,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “No one associates hardworking Tory MPs with sleaze anymore. Most of them work several jobs to show what good value they are to the corporate taxpayer. It’s a total shock. But this new law means that the polls can do what they like. As soon as they boot Johnson out another Johnson will be swinging in their faces.”

But critics of the move are said to be concerned it will not provide the promised stability but lead to “political bloodletting and squabbling over the crown not seen since 10th century Scotland.”

Mr Johnson is said to be unrepentant and anticipating being placed in the Lords by whichever of his children succeed him as PM.

“There will still be elections,” the source adds. “No one should worry about a further erosion of democratic standards in the UK. To guarantee the validity of future elections to the Commons, for non-hereditary MPs, we’re planning to make it legal to pay people to vote Tory. You’ll see our popularity remains sky high. It’s really just furthering the scheme which currently sees regeneration cash going predominately to Tory held areas.”

The post of PM’s dog was also expected to become hereditary until someone remembered they chopped Dylin’s nuts off because Mr Johnson was upset by the competition whenever it was time to shag a visitor’s legs.

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MPs to take a recess so they can catch up with their second jobs

IF A JOB’S WORTH DOING: Hard working MPs are to have yet another recess. With all the crises and scandals taking up their time, many MPs have fallen behind with their jobs on the side. 

In Boris Johnson’s case, he will be spending the week sourcing a fridge large enough for the entire cabinet to hide in. 

A case in point is Phil Thirich, MP for Croesus Central. He posted updates on his live blog feed. 

“Another recess! Thank goodness the idiot Boris has finally decided to take the heat out of things,” he wrote. “My partners at Croesus Cash Cow Consultancy were anxious that I should fulfil my usual commitments. After all, at over £1,000 an hour, it’s a much better use of my time than sitting in Parliament listening to that dreadful snowflake Bryant. Not to mention having to memorise a new set of lies – I mean, lines – every few hours. It’s so tiring, when instead one can make a few calls, lunch, booze & shmooze, golf, dinner, and wrap up another few mill of business over brandy and cigars. That’s what puts caviar on the table, being an MP is just like a hobby, it helps me keep in touch with the right people, and the pocket money comes in handy of course.”

Thirich is right, of course. Obscene amounts of money don’t just earn themselves. Unless you are supposed to be procuring PPE or employed on a pay-per-policy basis. 

We ordinary mortals must remember that our MPs have their own priorities. They cannot be expected to spend all their time voting to pump shit into the rivers on our behalf. 

After all, given that so many of their constituents are obliged to work two or more jobs in order to make ends meet, it is only right that our representatives set a good example. 

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BREAKING : PM didn’t wear mask to hospital as he thought “it was a strip club”

NAUGHTY BUT NICE : DOWNING STREET has broken its silence over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s failure to wear a mask during a recent hospital visit.

The visit occurred last Monday at the same time as Parliament was holding a debate on corruption, following the complete miscarriage of justice that disgraced, former corporate lobbyist Owen Paterson was a victim of.

“Mr Johnson was merely attempting to encourage a local business in the North,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s part of his levelling up agenda. He’s not just going to sit at home in London listening to Carrie drone on about how unsuitable the latest nanny is when there’s a country to save!”

It was further explained that it was not the PM’s fault that he missed the parliamentary debate on corruption as “he’s already an expert in the subject and could not have learned anything by attending”.

But when pressed as to the PM’s failure to mask up in the hospital, the source was unrepentant.

“We’ve got just the greatest pandemic numbers. Not many people know this, but the UK is leading the world with the virus. We did not get to this pole position by having a Prime Minister too weak to face the virus head first and take it on the chin.”

There was also though a secondary reason for Mr Johnson presenting himself in the most infectious manner possible to overworked and exhausted, fully masked hospital staff.

“To be perfectly frank he thought he was visiting a strip club. He was bloody disappointed to find it was not a medical themed one but an actual hospital. He had his expectations exceptionally high for a fun afternoon. Even the only alcohol present was in hand sanitiser and you just try drinking that without a piece of cucumber.”