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Dominic Raab hospitalised after getting into a fight with his reflection in mirror

“I hadn’t quite understood the results of blowing your feet off with a shotgun,” Dominic Raab told a rapt audience last night, “But I still insist the UK blow its feet off with a shotgun, because of the significant savings to be had on socks and shoes.”

The insistence on the chosen course, in spite of new discoveries (that very many people already knew) is certain to bolster the UK’s negotiating hand with the tyrannical EU.

”They know we mean business,” Raab continued, “who wants to mess with someone so determined they’re prepared to chop off their negotiating hand with a meat cleaver? Barnier dresses well. He’ll be terrified of the potential dry cleaning bill should any of our blood splatter get on his suit. Right now he’s begging Chancellor Markle to demand she uses her family connections to have Prince Harry accept the EU’s surrender.”

Of this Raab looked certain. He was a little more contrite during the closing stages of his address though, when he revealed some recent discoveries to the audience, expecting them to be just as surprised as he was.

”Bears shit in the woods. Did you know that? Not many people know that. The Pope IS catholic. The sun also rises. Oh, and most shocking of all, the U.K. is an island! Pretty much floored me that, when I realised it.”

He went on for some time after, explaining the possibilities for booming trade with the rest of the world, after Brexit, just as soon as we discover if the rest of the world is also an island, or not.

The speech concluded he stepped triumphantly from the lectern and caught a glimpse of his own reflection in a mirrored surface.

That was when it happened.

”Who the hell are you?” Raab demanded of the thuggish looking stranger in the mirror.

When the aggressively stupid interloper just mimicked him, Raab threw the first punch, both of them at once.

Doctors report he is expected to recover, after hand surgery, he’ll still be a wanker, and happily there was no facial damage, because his head was wedged securely in his arse.

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British political earthquake Brexit blamed on UK politics being fracked

Fresh denials today from government that the total and complete fracking of Westminster politics by secretly funded “thinktanks” has anything to do with the earthquakes currently fracking the UK’s political landscape.

”The fact that politics is the United Kingdom are now so fracked a government drone like Secretary for Health Apps, little Matty Handoncock (MP – UKIP), can say with a straight face the government is stockpiling fridges to stockpile life saving, short shelf life medicines they won’t be able to import anyway,

”because they’re insisting private industry pays the cost and takes the risk, after spending years telling private industry to frack itself,

“and then gagging private industry so it can’t say how fracked we are, and we’ve no time to build production capacity in country before calamity, none of this has anything to do with the fracking of British politics by obscurely funded thinktanks, given democratic names to help their insidious creep across our political landscape, ideological fracking rigs in hand, like a mash up of the red weed from ‘War of the Worlds’ and a stealthy fascist takeover,” said a government spokesman appointed to speak for Downing Street by the Taxpayers Alliance, which conversely is against all taxpaying, because it’s much better to have a feudal political landscape.

But while that clarification clears way for the secretly funded thinktanks to continue their work of being the creeping damp and dry rot and fungal infections of our politics, it doesn’t explain how we arrived at a political earthquake on the scale of Brexit. Absolutely nothing at all to do with the links of serving MPs and rightwing thinktanks. Nothing at all.

So the search will go on to explain how Westminster came to experience unceasing earthquakes and if we don’t find the cause we’re all going to get fracked, really deep and really hard.

”It’s got nothing to do with the fracking thinktanks,” the TPA appointed government spokesman reiterated. Indeed.

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Theresa May to play the witch in The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe remake

The Chronicles Of Narnia have been on many a child’s reading list for over half a century, and there have been many adaptions of them in film, TV and radio, but the latest version has put a decidedly contemporary twist on the tales.

A new modern version of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe has commenced production, made by a Swedish production company.

Instead of four British children being evacuated during World War II, the action occurs on a family day out to IKEA, where the four Lindstrom children, on the run from a security guard they have angered, happen across a self-assembly wardrobe that has is ready-made on display in the store.

Jumping into the wardrobe, the four children, renamed Bjorn, Benny, Agnetha and Frida, find themselves magically transported to the frozen wastelands of a strange country called Britannia, where it is always Brexit Winter but never Brexit Dividend Christmas.

It then proceeds pretty much as it does in the book, they meet all the familiar characters, including the White Witch, played in this adaption by Theresa May.

“Theresa was just perfect for the part,” film producer Lars Chance explained at the press conference. “There really was nobody else we were even looking at to play this role.”

There is however one stumbling block. The role of Aslan, the noble lion who defeats the witch in battle, has still not been cast.

“We just can’t find anybody with the right gravitas to play the role,” Mr Chance explained. “Actually Jeremy Corbyn auditioned for the part at first, but while he does has a lot of good qualities, he just rolled over in front of the witch, so instead we gave him the role of Mr Tumnus the faun, who has a good heart and knows that what the witch is doing is wrong, but lacks the conviction to truly stand up and actively oppose her.”

The script of this film looks very promising, and could be the best adaption of C.S. Lewis yet, if that crucial part can be cast. We sincerely hope they find their Aslan soon.

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Theresa May to replace Posh Spice for Spice Girl’s tour

UK prime minister Theresa May has confirmed that she has accepted an invitation to replace Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham as the fifth Spice Girl for next year’s Spice Girl’s UK tour.

A spokesman for 10 Downing street explained that having successfully masterminded the UK’s liberation from the world’s largest free trade zone, and the complete and utter destruction of the UK economy,  on April 1st, Mrs May feels that she is entitled to a little down time from politics.

“The Prime Minister would like to have time to spend on her other interests such as wearing outrageously over the top outfits and perfecting her embarrassing “granny dancing” moves,” he said, denying that her private office had been in touch with Lady Gaga for sartorial advice.
“I think we can say that she’s well “gaga” enough already,” smirked the spokesman.

A spokesman for the newly reformed Spice Girls also confirmed that Mrs May would be joining the four aging singers on their newly announced UK tour next year.

“The girls have been very impressed by Theresa’s dress sense and her dancing ability and her complete disregard for what the people “really really want”, and feel that her cultured accent more than qualifies her to be the new “Posh,” he said denying that Mrs May’s complete lack of singing ability was likely to present a problem.

“They’re going to be miming to a backing track just like all their other live appearances so no one will notice if she sounds like a bag of nails in a smoothie maker,” he added.

Commenting on the news legendary music writer Trailer Parts suggested that Mrs May’s decision in many ways represents the ideal career move and could even  spark a trend.

“The transition from dishonest vacuous, self serving politician peddling hollow slogans like “Red White and Blue Brexit” to vacuous, money grabbing “singer” peddling hollow slogans like “girl power” is quite a natural one requiring little refocusing,” he explained.

According to Parts other leading politicians are expected to follow her lead, with rumours circulating that former Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has been invited to cement his epoch defining blandness by dueting with Coldplay, with Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s insistence on supporting Brexit apparently having impressed the two remaining members of Nirvana, to the extent that they are about to offer him the chance to front a reunion tour in place of the late Kurt Cobain.

“If dragging the entire Labour movement over the Brexit precipice isn’t the metaphorical equivalent of blowing your own head off with a shotgun I don’t know what is,” he explained.

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C4 charged with betraying the will of the people after revealing the will of the people

Fake knews broadcaster C4 is to be charged with the knew crime of “betraying the will off the people” after deliberately revealing the will of the people live on a little C4 chat show last night.

”Of course it doesn’t matter what the people now think,” Barry Gardiner MP, UKIP, told LCD Views, “the people decided what their will was a few years back and it doesn’t matter if their will has dramatically altered because we’re determined to assist Theresa May’s (MP – UKIP) government implement the will of the people from when it was fixed in stone by a thunderbolt from God.”

The shock revelation of the change in attitude of the people of the U.K. doesn’t matter because it wasn’t assessed in the right way.

”Was there mass data crime in the latest Survation poll of 20,000 people? Well above the 5,000 required for scientific rigour? Was there undue foreign influence? Was there millions funnelled into the campaign from shadowy overseas backers determined to see the break up of the EU for their own kleptoimperialist motives?”

Apparrently not, it was a poll conducted in the Standard manner without the above.

”Then it doesn’t count. Not that campaigns influence people’s decisions anyway. Just ask my boss John McDonnell (MP – UKIP) or our trumpeter Owen Jones (MP – UKIP). Crime should pay. Especially if you’re fantasising about taking government with Henry VIIi powers in the midst of economic calamity and want to bring everything conceivable under total state control. For the many you understand. C4 shouldn’t be standing in the way of the people by revealing what they think based on several yearsnew evidence.”

And Mr Gardiner (MP – UKIP) wasn’t alone in his frank assessment of C4’s betrayal of the people.

”I’m changing the law today, with Henry VIII powers,” David Gauke (MP – UKIP) phoned in especially to tell us, “it was nice of parliament to vote through the EU Withdrawal Bill and make itself irrelevant. Slackers. Ha!”

But betraying the will of the people by revealing the will of the people becoming criminalised isn’t the only change coming in immediately, thanks to Henry VIII powers.

”We’ll also probably be making mass, secretive foreign donations to U.K. political campaigns entirely legal,” the minister (UKIP) clarified, “that way people who buy influence in our once great democratic institutions can be sure of getting what they wanted. Oh, and the change will be retrospective, just in case any of my colleagues find themselves in the shit as little Banksi gets hung out to dry.”

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Brexit cookbook updated to include microwaveable recipes for mobile phones

All across the land today potatriotic cooks and dodgy accountants working for dodgier politicians, the kind of work that makes you hungry, are celebrating with the latest update to the Brexit cookbook.

“When you’re deciding the fate of an entire continent you have to eat right,” David Davis, recently demoted from Head Chef to Commis Chef, said, “you’ve got to eat brain food. As much brain food as you can stomach. Mmmm brains. Brains.”

And what food could be brainer than modern micro-electronics?

“Exactly, and this diet has added security benefits,” Davis explained, “because no mobile phone is more secure than one that’s been in a microwave for ten minutes circling around on high power.”

Are these dessert recipes or entrees?

“Good question, we haven’t decided that, we’ve been so busy working on which sauces to baste and drizzle and drench the phones in, and just how high the power needs to be, that we hadn’t decided what course they are. Bit silly of us. But we’re more big picture people, the detail is for others. This will allow chefs all across the UK to get creative.”

So the Brexit cookbook is not just cannibalism related now?

“No! Isn’t it marvellous. We’re so smart! In fact these recipes will likely extend the lives of family pets.”

How so?

“Well, before you eat fido or Mr Chips, you can work through that collection of old mobiles you’ve got in a drawer in the study.”

It sounds to us that post Brexit food supplies are now more secure than ever.

“You just leave it to us. Right now our top secret team is working on a microwave big enough to hold the entire ERG. Once we step inside no one will know what we’re talking about. The noise of the microwave oven in operation will drown out our words. And our spinning in circles will make it impossible for lip readers!”

I trust you with our country’s future. And remember, as the brains behind Brexit the cookbook say, when you’ve finished cooking your books, why not fry your phone!

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Financial crash imminent as government refuses to bail out Banks

In a stark warning, the government has decided not to repeat past mistakes. It will no longer pick up the tab for failures due to rash overspending. The government is no longer willing to bail out Banks.

The £8m payment made by Banks out of Russian deposits is under investigation by the NCA. Although it isn’t entirely clear, the rotten roubles seem to have been freshly laundered, starched and ironed, and delivered to Leave.EU as squeaky-clean sterling. This crisp, clean cash was then used to pay for dirty tricks.

We all know what happened next. Enough of the general public was conned into buying the pig in a poke that is Brexit. With Banks ducking the issue, the crows are coming home to roost, and a martyr is being thrown to the wolves.

The economy is hanging on slender threads. However, a bail out of Banks this time would admit the illegality of Brexit, and the unreliability of the government. The government will not bring itself down, it will wait for due process to do it for them. By which time, current MPs will have stepped down into cushy jobs as non-executive directors of whatever blue-chip companies remain.

Financial services spokesman, Robin Banks, was not a happy bunny. “It is deeply unfair that this has happened,” he grumbled from his cell in Pentonville. “Normally, a little misdemeanour like this can be sorted out with a shake of the magic money tree. Bail-out means bail-out. If the government will no longer underwrite irresponsible swindlers, then civilisation as we know it is at an end.”

Standard & Poor’s have downgraded Arron Banks from a useful idiot to a useless idiot. His Russian connections (allegedly, every Saturday night, and occasionally midweek if Mrs Banks is in the mood) are working against him. Russian wife, Russian money? Incidentally, there is no truth in the rumour that Mrs Banks’ maiden name is Novichok.

However, Banks has categorically stated that he has no immediate plans to visit Salisbury Cathedral.

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Nigel Farage denies knowing Arron Banks

Nigel Farage was in a forgetful mood today when he used his famous LBC Breakfash show ‘Bring Back the Fash’ to deny knowing Arron Banks.

“I’ve never met him. I’ve never heard of him. Frankly, and I want to make this perfectly clear, I don’t know who you are talking about. I don’t even have car insurance. So why would I know this man I don’t know? I get chauffeured everywhere anyway, as it helps pay the bills of the hardworking man in the street.”

He paused, the sound of a man wringing the sweat out of a shirt collar could be heard, before Nigel ‘potatriot’ Fuhrerage went on,

“The only bankski I know, and everyone who’s been paying any attention at all to my efforts to stand up for the average man in the street knows this, the only bank I know is the one my EU MEP salary is deposited in. Which is not paid in roubles,

”Which is a laugh, when you consider how little actual work of representing the people of Thanet I do in the undemocratic, fully elected parliament of the EU. And is a complete scandal since they docked half my salary for misuse of funds.”

The clarification by Nigel of who he does and doesn’t know was timely, given that his presumed close associate Arron Banks is now under investigation by both the NCA and the FCA.

”The last time Arron and I spoke, completely by chance, as we’ve never met, I told him Arron, you keep using that curious cash supply of yours to target Tory MPs in their actual seats, the establishment will get you. Remember you’re more disposable than a used nappy full of corn and shit. Don’t push your luck. But he wouldn’t listen as he assumed that just winning the EU ref with dirty tricks immediately gave us superpowers the kind any far right coup assumes. But it’s not over damn it, May bottled the election last year and oh, let’s not talk about it, I’ve some shredding to do and I’m going to do it live on air all day.”

But he did have one piece of advice for the man he’s never met.

”Whatever you do, don’t tell them we’ve ever met,” Nigel pleaded, “I’ve enough trouble as it is with Mueller breathing down my neck.”

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Government shocked as can of worms does exactly what it says on the tin

The Brexit can has been kicked down the road many, many times now. However, this has two major consequences. One, the government is running out of road. Two, the worms are beginning to emerge.

One of the biggest, juiciest worms is Arron Banks. He is under investigation over his Leave.EU referendum campaign overspending. You can almost hear the documents being shredded, like a Banksy painting, at Leave.EU HQ. Many others are being hurriedly incinerated. This has already been dubbed a ‘bonfire of allegations’.

There are many worms tied to Banks’ tail. Like shady Russian connections, organised crime, disorganised crime, and a severe dose of digital Tourette’s splashed all over social media.

Banks loves democracy. His shady organisations helped to sway the Brexit vote, in true democratic fashion. He fervently applauds the unreliable referendum result. Banks is also behind a campaign to deselect democratically elected MPs with whom he disagrees. Democracy lover Banks supports rich, unpleasant, unelected bureaucrats using their influence to undermine democracy.

The government is worried that, once opened properly, all the worms could come out of the can, and that would be the end of Brexit. Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab expressed surprise today after discovering exactly what the contents of the can were. “I know there were worms inside,” he whimpered. “But I never expected the contents to come out! That’s not how cans operate in my experience.”

Raab also expressed surprise that the can, having been kicked long, hard and often, was showing signs of wear and tear. “It is a Titanic tin,” he moaned. “Completely unbreakable.”

“We did try to tell him,” commented campaigner Artie Culfifty. “Unfortunately, our comments were dismissed as Project Fear. We were informed that the tin, which would never open in any case, was actually full of spaghetti.”

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to the garden to eat worms. Or spaghetti.

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Pig’s head shagged by man says it will stand against him in any re-election comeback bid

The most famous pig’s head in British politics has given a rare interview today to assert it will stand against David Cameron should he launch any re-election comeback bid.

”I don’t mind admitting I’m still a little bitter,” Pork Scratchings told us in an exclusive interview conducted near the Bullingdon Club headquarters, just for the vibe, “I believed Dave when he told me we were always going to be together, and one day even, medical science would provide me with a body. And then we could get married.”

Well that was all a sham.

”Well that was all a lie. He was using me to impress the other boys.”

So your motivation for standing for election in any seat bored shitless, shepherd’s hut David decides to go for is a long standing wound of unrequited love?

”Excuse me?” Pork Scratchings looked well oinked, “do I look like I haven’t gotten on with my life? You think Britain’s laziest PM is that good a shag?”

Well, he did fuck the entire U.K., so…

”That. That there is my motivation.”

Jealousy is what is driving you?

”You haven’t done your research, have you? I was assured you were a professional outfit.”

Well, it’s a little hard to research an unsubstantiated rumour put about to make David Cameron a laughing stock by Boris Johnson, presumably.

”I’m not some cheap device utilised to draw on the lowest common denominator perception that all rich people are sexual perverts.”

Well, what are you then?

”I’m a serious Tory party candidate for Westminster. Just look what happens when you smash some lipstick on me and put me in a safe seat. I am not just some easy ride.”

Thats not what Dave says…

”Don’t ever call me for an interview again. I’ve a country to save.”