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Mass hysteria as photo of how Elvis looks now hits social media

Mass hysteria and mass eye bleeds are reported AROUND THE WORLD as a photo of how Elvis Presley looks now hits social media and causes so much harm to the delicate balance of the Western Hemisphere it’s uncertain as we go to print how long it will take to restore.

”Wise men say this photo is the last thing the world needs now,” LCD Views icons correspondent reports, “the photo of Mr Presley, presumed deceased by a percentage of the global population since sometime in the 1970’s, and not by lunatics, has immediately hounded fans like a dog.”

The photo itself has only emerged in the last couple of hours and is causing people to not be able to help falling out of love with a figure once assumed untouchable.

”It’s certainly going to make for a blue Christmas in the Presley household, regardless of who is present,” our icons correspondent continues, “it can only be hoped blue snowflakes start falling the next time the resurrected Elvis “the pelvis” makes a surprise public appearance, so as to obscure camera lens and spare the world a repetition of a sight no one needs to see, as it’s enough to quench even the hottest burning love.”

But even as we go to print suspicious minds are asking if this image of a giant arse isn’t actually the famous rocker but the current president of the United States, Donald Trump, who with all due modesty recently compared himself in his dangerous, dementia revealing ramblings to Elvis Presley?

”If that is the case than I can only say the photo of 45rpm has been released by Mr Trump’s own people in an attempt to distract from today’s Manafort revelations and the increasing likelihood of the current occupier of the White House doing the jailhouse rock.”

 

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TV debate between May and Corbyn to be filmed in circus tent

The proposed Brexit TV debate between primed moral miniature Theresa May and professional placard holder Jeremy Corbyn is to be filmed in a circus tent, it was announced today and only to LCD Views.

”Although it’s still doubtful it will actually happen,” TV producer, Mr Apple Corer (In-Temple TV Productions), told us, “as Jeremy is insisting it should be filmed in an all red circus tent and May’s people are demanding it is held in a used sleeping bag up cycled to a tent to show how concerned she is with the plight of all the homeless people she’s intentionally creating with the most bastard cruel set of policies since transportation.”

Other details to be nailed down include how many burning trees to include on the stage, to symbolise Brexit’s impact on the Conservative Party and its logo, and whether or not John McDonnell will be allowed to streak across the stage flinging copies of Mao’s Little Red Book at the enemies he imagines he’s fighting in his perfect cultural revolution.

But what about criticisms that the debate will be pointless as it will just be between two Brexiters?

”That’s not fair,” Mr Apple Corer replied, “Jeremy promises he won’t mention Brexit once during the Brexit debate.”

And what about Ms May?

“She’s been upgraded to a tape recorder for the debate and will her only line will be “This is a great deal for Britain”. It will be voiced by the actor who did Davros to give her extra gravitas and play on a loop, regardless of what her partner in Brexit says.”

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Vegetarian restaurants legally required to include meat options

There have been a number of campaigns for equality in recent times but this latest promises to be the most divisive yet. As of December 2018 a new change in the law will require all vegetarian and vegan restaurants, cafes and other such establishments to include at least one item on their menus containing meat.

The Prime Minister herself made the announcement at a press conference that was itself announced as “nothing to do with Brexit, although of course, once we make a success of Brexit there will only be long pig on the menu anyway”. The absence of this topic from the discussion brought an expression to her face that on a human being might have been described as bordering on a smile.

“How many people have wanted to dine out,” she said, “only to be put off a restaurant by the absence of a meat option? As of next week that will no longer be an issue. We are fixing this loophole, as we did with the issue of civil partnerships for heterosexual couples.”

The move has caused a wide range of reactions from the public. One supporter, Connie Vorr, 29, welcomed it with open arms.

“It’s about time,” she said. “It’s like when you go out for a curry but there’s always one person in the group who can’t have anything spicy, they include a few English options just to cater for that, now this is just the same. Equality in action!”

Dissenters were equally vocal however. Vegan restaurant owner Reggie Farian, 56, said:

“It’s disgraceful! Vegetarian restaurants will be forever tainted with animal products now, which completely defeats the point of their existence! If we want to cook meat we’ll have to get in extra ovens specifically for it so as not to taint the rest of the kitchen! We’ll probably have to build an outer kitchen just for meat. It’s anarchy I tell you, sheer anarchy! We are starting a petition to get this law reversed right away!”

But defenders of the change were quick to point out:

“Now you meat eaters will know what it’s like. It’s already required by law that every single non-vegetarian restaurant must have one vegetarian dish on the menu and it can only ever be penne pasta. See how you feel always having to order a steak now when you’re in a vegetarian restaurant!”

The law comes into effect on December 1st, in time for those Christmas dinner bookings. Oh well, whichever restaurant you choose, bon apetit.

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52% of Falkland penguins vote to leave the UK

Northern Ireland can go whistle. Gibraltar has been sacrificed. Now the Falkland Islanders are getting a bit nervous about their future. As a result, a binary referendum has been held, and The Penguins want to Leave the UK.

The Referpenguin, as it is known, simply asked whether to remain part of the UK, or to leave. The Penguins voted with their happy feet, and glorious independence beckons.

“We want to regain control of our fish!” claimed ecstatic campaigner Nigel Farockhopper. Farockhopper, known to all and sundry as “Mr Fexit”, is the publicity-hungry but workshy face of the campaign. He describes himself as ‘just one of the Chicks’ and an ‘everyBird’. “No more restrictions,” he continued. “We are free to control our own destiny!”

Rumours of Argentinian intervention haunt Mr Farockhopper, however. Cynics believe that the powerful South Americans have been funding Farockhopper’s Fexit drive, as they have a vested interest in stirring up dissent in this little archipelago with powerful continental neighbours.

Few penguins in the public eye have dared to say much in the face of such powerful populism. There is, though, a growing campaign to overturn the Referpenguin and hold a Penguins’ Vote. This movement has a strong following on the local social media platform, Fishbook.

Trade is one of their biggest bugbears. “40% of our guano goes to the UK,” reads one post. “If we leave the UK without a deal, then this trade will cease, and thousands of penguins will have to go to South Georgia for a shit.”

It all seems rather fishy. Farockhopper simply brushed off all criticism with a wave of his flipper. “It will be the easiest deal in history!” he squawked. “Already, I am flying off to Easter Island, Gibraltar and Atlantis to seek out new markets for our guano. I’ll be a millionaire in no time!”

The idea of a strong foreign influence wreaking havoc in a small group of islands close to a large, dynamic continent is so ridiculous, it couldn’t possibly catch on anywhere else, could it?

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Trust me, says woman preparing to spend £39bn on a 50p coin

Trust is the most vital force in politics. So when our beloved leader grovels for your trust in a snivelling excuse for a begging letter, do not think about it. Trust and be damned.

Brexit is clearly costing the UK huge sums of money. £1,000 per person to be precise. Theresa May’s ghastly deal is a bad deal not only because it costs a great deal, but the gains are so few and pitiful. In the end we gain little but the end of free movement, and so look forward to years of constipation. And we also gain a 50p coin.

May now has a permanent expression on her face like the woman who lost a pound and found a penny. Which is an apt metaphor for what she has actually done to the economy.

So let us look forward to shortages! Blockages at our ports! Inflation as prices rise to compensate! Rejoice as the Brexit 50p coin is now worth 20 pre-Brexit p!

Funny how Brexit frees trade but unfrees people. Trust the PM, she knows how to free up Britain’s service economy by stopping the people it depends upon from moving around.

Celebrate, residents of Northern Ireland. Trust the PM to place your country in a kind of neither-in-nor-out limbo. She knows that a return of the Troubles and creating a smuggler’s paradise is the best for Britain.

Residents of Gibraltar, open the sangria to commemorate the day you were sacrificed for the sake of the PM’s job. You will not be forgotten unless it is politically convenient to do so.

Little Englanders, be glad that the PM has given you the opportunity to create new dishes from vermin. Put the rat into steak and kidney pie, and the toad into toad in the hole.

Alternatively we could tell her to stop this madness and give us our country back.

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Conservative MP For Maidenhead confirms she will vote against PM’s Withdrawal Agreement

The Conservative MP For Maidenhead has confirmed, only to LCD Views, that she will vote against U.K. PM Theresa May’s Brexit Withdrawal Agreement when it comes before the HoC on December 11th.

”I’ll be getting some staffer to tell everyone on Twitter and Facepamphlet later,” she told us, “as you tend to block bots, I’m not sure all the electorate will have heard.”

But why the decision to vote against the prime minister’s WA with the EU, when May is telling everyone in the U.K. it’s in the national interest?

”It’s plainly not,” she scoffed, “which is why the PM is getting such a beasting in the Commons over it. A real Frankenbrexitstein deal that has united both Leavers and Remainers in opposition. For which the PM should get some credit, as most thought that an impossible feat!”

But what is it about the WA you object to? Is it the effort to do the minimum possible to prevent a return to violence in NI?

”No, clearly not that.”

Is it the transition period that allows the U.K. time to not starve immediately, as we fumble about digging up the commons and green belts to grow food?

”No. Let them eat cake.”

Well, what exactly, the people deserve to know.

”It’s nowhere near racist enough for my liking. All foreign nationals should be forcibly expelled on Brexit day. Only then will I have delivered on the Brexit the British people voted for. Which given the fruity things Corbs says about leaving the Single Market, thus ensuring a Labour Brexit ends FOM (except for millionaires) too, is clearly a move supported by her majesty’s most loyal opposition.”

So you’re saying it’s not racist enough, but?

”But nothing. Kick out the foreigners. Then maybe I can sleep at night knowing no one is coming to steal our horses.”

Theresa May, thank you for time.

“Just out of interest, where were your parents born?”

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Scientist believes island sinking under mountain of horseshit off coast of continental EU is U.K.

LCD Views brings you an exclusive interview today with world famous cartographer and professor of imaginary geography, Professor Barrow Gopher.

The interview took place in the basement map room made famous by the 2016 BBC Channel 3 science special, “Map means map”.

”Did you know this building used to be a Wetherspoons?” Professor Gopher begins the interview, with a question, underlining his reputation as an unconventional quack.

We didn’t. How did it come to be your internationally regarded (with suspicion, mostly) geographical laboratory?

”Easy. I took a Labradoodle, that is a drawing of a dog done in a whimsical style, and I put it into a blender with a Tory. The resulting mess is my lab.”

And that was enough to convince Tim Martin to sell out?

”Oh, pure personal greed and a skewed sense of personally divinity did that. But these premises were the site of the last Wetherspoons pub, when they went into administration in 2022 and no one would buy the chain”

Or the load of balls attached to it?

”Indeed, but please don’t interrupt me when I’m giving you a pearl of wisdom or I’ll terminate the interview.”

Touchy!

We’re sorry. Please tell our ginormous international audience about your most recent discovery?

”Well, you would have heard about the weird little island Spanish and French fishing crews have reported sighting off the coast of France and the Netherlands?”

Who hasn’t? It’s rumoured to smell very strongly of xenophobic horseshit and to be sinking at a rate so fast even rising sea levels can’t account for it.”

”It’s the U.K.”

Are you sure? Please be mindful that the age of experts is over.

”And the age of idiots has begun.”

It certainly seems so. But how can you prove this assertion?

”Merely by opening any window and smelling what’s outside.”

Professor Barrow thank you for your time.

I prefer to be called Cart. You’re welcome. Pick up a beer mat on your way out. There collectors items you know [they’re*].

 

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Unicorns emigrating en masse to the EU before Brexit

The strangest winter migration of all is occurring, right now in the UK. The nation’s unicorns have decided to move, as a body, out of the UK and onto the continent.

The unicorn is normally a shy and reclusive creature. It does not migrate or hibernate in winter, although small localised movements have always occurred. Now there is a completely overt and unashamed exodus taking place. Even the most stubborn, traditionally found in the affluent Home Counties, are on the move. Reports indicate that both leprechauns and the tooth fairy have joined the march.

LCD Views was fortunate enough to talk to one of the unicorn leaders, Faith Overfacts, as she floated south-eastwards upon her magic rainbow.

“People have finally stopped believing in us,” said Overfacts, with a touch of bitterness. “Our hold over the imagination of the public has been slipping for a while, but the Prime Minister’s botched deal with the European Union was the final straw. So we are escaping from the horse-tile environment.”

Is not even the powerful adulation of small girls enough to keep you here?

“The sad reality of the situation is that even small girls understand that unicorns are fictional,” replied Overfacts sadly. “The unbelief is restricting our movements and destroying our breeding grounds. We have been belittled and mocked, depicted as donkeys wearing a traffic cone, or mules in party hats. Our continental neighbours are far more understanding. We are show jumpers, not queue jumpers.”

The good ship Brexit is going down with all hands. The unicorns are fleeing the sinking ship.

One man has decided to take unilateral action. Watching his leadership ambitions float away with the unicorns, Michael Gove has sprung into action. He has travelled to Dover with as much barbed wire as he can lay his clammy hands on, in order to trap the fleeing beasts. As usual, he is taking action without taking responsibility as the unicorns can evade him without any difficulty.

Magical thinking is leaving the country bereft of fairy tales. And they certainly will not live happily ever after.

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UK version of Galileo to operate in the space between Boris Johnson’s ears

One of the unexpected bonuses of Brexit is the opportunity to fund, design and build a GPS system from scratch. Obviously, the EU will not be able to access it, so it will operate in the timeless void that is Boris Johnson’s head.

Initial designs seen by LCD Views indicate that UK Galileo will operate by clockwork and be calibrated in Imperial units. The construction process is top secret, but GCHQ has already stockpiled quantities of timber and nails.

The British project has already been named the Hoyle Project, in honour of plucky British scientist Sir Fred Hoyle. Hoyle always tried hard, but so often got it wrong.

Technology expert Dick Klever was on hand to unravel the mysteries of the project. “Already we can see the Britishness of the project,” claims Klever. “English oak, nails made in Birmingham, Sheffield steel, and a large selection of pies.”

Ignoring the fact that nails haven’t been made in Birmingham for many years, what’s the deal with sending pasties into space?

“That’s the really good bit!” exclaims Klever. “We will send pies into the sky for real.”

That makes perfect sense, but why do the designs show that the finished product will be arch-shaped?

“The Hoyle project aims to bridge the gap between Johnson’s ears, and also, more ambitiously, the gap between Brexiter fantasy and cold hard facts,” explained Klever. “Also, there is a potato-shaped section, named the Bridgen bridge. It forms a Bridgen over untroubled thought.”

But surely, there is not much physical space between Boris Johnson’s ears?

“It’s like the TARDIS,” said Klever patiently. “There’s an almost infinite void inside, augmented by the so-called Bridgen Area. Hoyle should transmit impractical, elevated concepts into the blond receptor for many years to come.”

The only stumbling block is the difficulty of finding a half-decent carpenter who has not found work by jumping a queue.

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Theresa May now the only person in the UK who believes in Brexit

An opinion poll, based on a sample of 65m UK citizens, has revealed that the only person in the country who still believes in Brexit is Theresa May herself.

The poll was conducted via social media, principally Twitter. Everyone in the country was given the opportunity to vote, using the YouTwit app. Cheaper, and therefore better, than a referendum, the result was unexpected.

In the end, 65m people responded. “That means everyone voted,” claims completely and absolutely unbiased pollster Holden Hands. “The only response in favour of Brexit was electronically traced to a bunker under 10 Downing Street, and came from a mobile phone belonging to the Prime Minister.”

This comes in the wake of erstwhile Brexit Secretary, Dominic “Raabit in the headlights” Raab, declaring that the UK would be better off in the EU. Here is the real Brexit Dividend. There is more rejoicing in Britain over one Brexiter who repents than 99 who were always Remainers.

Brexiters are now falling faster than autumn leavers. The bare bones of Brexit are exposed to the harsh winds of reality, leaving a mouldy mess of rotting leavers on the streets.

“We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” said May mechanically, for the millionth time today, convincing nobody but herself. As platitude followed platitude, seasoned with a series of lame, tired slogans, it became clear May was going through the motions. Much like a walker trampling through fallen leaves concealing nuggets of dog poo.

The only ray of hope came from the Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn. A man who has sat on the fence for so long that the splinters have become permanently incorporated into his buttocks, he refused to either praise or condemn May. “We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” he read from a pamphlet entitled The Collected Speech Of Theresa May. “But her deal fails our six tests, so I don’t really know any more. Sorry.”

Everyone knows Brexit is an abject failure now. Only one issue remains. Who the hell’s going to tell Theresa?