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Sunak to spend 10% of UK budget on photos of Sunak

BUDGET SMUDGET : Cheers rang out in the House of Commons yesterday as the UK’s (most) glamorous Chancellor (ever) took centre stage and dazzled.

Wearing a fetching, tight fitting tax efficient suit, shoes of reality denying leather, hair styled so hard it was momentarily titanium and a friendship bracelet he is said to have knitted for himself, the Chancellor smiled warmly and let the applause soak in until he was dripping.

Speculation had been rife that Mr Sunak would splurge cash on unimportant things but worries were soothed when he set out details to “undo just enough of the catastrophic balls-up we’ve made of governing the country since 2010, to give the tabloids wildly exaggerated front pages. While at the same time ensuring the lifestyles of millionaires are protected against the inflation we’re causing”.

Whether or not any of the money earmarked for window dressing poverty will make it to the windows is uncertain. And no one on the government cares anyway.

“My budget is based on a fever dream featuring a U.K. economy that hasn’t been hit with an incompetent and lethal pandemic response, plus one not suffering the furious assaults of Brexit. So you can bet on me and bet on everything I’m promising for me coming to fruition for me.”

But the real excitement was found when Mr Sunak reached the “ring fenced” section of his fantasy fiscal novella.

“I am setting aside 10% of U.K. tax intake to fund my personal photographer,” Mr Sunak promised to orgiastic applause. “But not just mine. Liz Truss’s too. The voters can be reassured that as the country burns there will be beautifully staged photos of whoever is Prime Minister next all over their social media feed. I am just a friendly little puppy dog and everyone wants to pat me.”

To ensure the photography is a success Mr Sunak further announced the setting up of “Operation : Dorian Gray”.

“I will look beautiful. You will be reassured by how beautiful I look. And those food riots in the coming winter will be more beautiful because of it.”

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Chancellor to introduce “pay per poo” scheme in budget to fund sewer update

NO SHIT SHERLOCK: The sewage crisis is to be tackled in the forthcoming budget. With no obvious way of diverting available funds into private pockets, the only available option is a “turd tax”. 

Chancellor Rishi Sunak will announce this latest measure to monetise basic human functions. It’s a simple way to allow well connected “effluent extraction experts”, or piss-takers, to get rich quick. 

The polluter pays. This is going to the source of the problem, the individual waste producer, claims the Treasury. Basically the more you poo, the more you pay. 

“It’s only like having a metered water supply,” claimed Treasury drone Penny Spender. “Anyone wishing to open their bowels must be prepared to pay for their discharge to be dealt with.” 

Spender revealed that this would work on the same principle as the Oyster card. Every time you pay a visit to the smallest room in future, you will have to tap in and tap out. 

“We call this Wipe & Swipe,” said Spender. “The longer you sit, the more you pay. It’s only fair. This will also cut down on people paying repeated trips to the lavatory during working hours. Employers will no longer be obliged to subsidise their employees’ bowel habits.” 

What do you say to people already struggling to survive on minimum wage, with UC cuts and NI rises? 

“Everyone must be treated the same,” said Spender. “In fact, poor people should pay more, because their waste is of lower quality than other people’s. There will be plenty of incentives for people to go when the system is less busy. Nappy Hour will be 1am until 2am, for example. People can earn Potty Points towards Free Flush Fridays. You will be able to buy an inch of sewer, and visit it whenever you like!”

And will the revenue be spent on improving water treatment? Or is it just another steaming pile of bullshit? 

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Downing Street orders seaside councils to hang cardboard pictures of clean beaches on British seafronts

Most of 2021 has seen parts of the country afflicted by sporadic, worsening and most of all baffling shortages of food stuffs on supermarket shelves. Although luckily for the Executive if you’re still a committed Brexiter or Lexiter you’re visually incapable of seeing the gaps. And even if you do see them you’ll be able to explain them away with magic. So it’s not yet as bad as it could be.

“We still had to act quickly on the supply side issues,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The decision to shroud empty shelves in cardboard cutouts of food was a revolution in the shopping habits of Britons. Clearly if we can produce images of food the food will follow as what did we photograph in the first place to make the cutouts? There is nothing to worry about, except perhaps a waistline that is slimmer than your target.”

Happily the technology deployed against the faltering post-Brexit supply chains can also be used to deal with environmental disaster.

“The pumping of billions of gallons of untreated human waste into English rivers, streams, lakes and the sea could have been a disaster if we had a less nimble government,” the source explains. “Can you imagine the potential damage to shareholder profits if an insane PM was in power? One who said to private water companies you’ve taken £51 billion or so in profits and done bugger all to sort out the aged infrastructure? Fix it. Calamity would have followed. Committed water utility owners would likely have exited the market and moved straight into PPE. Which between you and me is still an attractive sector as it doesn’t rely on importing purification chemicals from the EU. Unlike water.”

It is hoped none of the water utilities will jump shit, but to ensure they stay seated the government has engaged local councils.

“Any seaside council now has to adorn the beachfront with giant posters of a clean beach. One that isn’t polluted with Brexshits. It’s a total boom for the events and advertising, graphic design and haulage industry. Just one of the many examples of how innovation is driven by Brexit.”

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FURY as Brussels tells Johnson he can’t take turn as EU Council President

CAKE AND EAT IT : Downing Street is reported to be on a WAR FOOTING today after the TYRANNICAL EU told U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson that he will not be allowed to take HIS TURN as EU council president.

“The current presidency of the EU is held by Germany, Slovenia and some other place,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We all know it operates as a trio since the imposition of the Lisbon tyranny. It chairs meetings and other boring stuff and tries to all get along. Brexit shouldn’t mean the U.K. is no longer involved. We’ve left the EU. We haven’t left Europe. It’s just punishing us for Brexit.”

No lesser powerhouse than Lord Frost is expected to demand the U.K. still takes its turns with the Presidency and any other outcome will be unacceptable. It’s believed he will call on the ghost of past politicians to reinforce the British claim to control Europe.

“The EU is playing with fire by blocking U.K. involvement in its ruling structures,” the source goes on. “It just shows they don’t understand Brexit and have not yet reconciled themselves to it. If they don’t watch out we will force all EU truck drivers to take the Life in the U.K. test before being issued temporary visas to work in the U.K. We hold all the cards and Brussels knows it!”

How the EU will respond to Downing Street’s reasonable request to chair its governing structures is not yet clear, but Downing Street are confident that carrying on like a madman will get it concessions. Brexit shouldn’t mean loss of access for the U.K. as “we are too big a market for German carmakers.”

“Look what we’ve achieved so far?” the source comments. “Everyone is talking about Boris and that is exactly the way he likes it. We will have our hake and eat it.”

The source later clarified their comment to “cake and eat it” because for some curious reason everyone is now wary of eating hake from sovereign British waters.

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Downing Street introduces “traffic light” warning system for sewage on British beaches

RED TURD ALERT : Downing Street is facing criticism that it’s on the path to creating a nanny state worthy of Brussels today after it announced a “traffic light” warning system for Great British beaches.

“Operation : Discharge has been established to give Great British bathers the information they need to bathe responsibly,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “The easy to understand green, amber and red light symbols will allow you to use your personal responsibility to avoid discharged turds while swimming in the Great British sea. If you see a Red light at Dover simply drive to Newlyn and swim there. It couldn’t be simpler. The fact that a friend of the Johnson’s is being paid £250m to draw it with crayons is neither here nor there. They’re the best person for the jobbie.”

But internal Tory Party critics of the system have said it is entirely unnecessary and is simply an act of gesture politics which is “splashing taxpayer’s money up the sea wall when it should be transferred to the Cayman Islands.”

“Swimming in our effluent was a traditional family event prior to the EU tyranny,” a Sewage Research Group spokesman told LCD Views. “Warning British beach goers of the risk of contracting cholera will do untold damage to the tourism industry. We won’t stand for it. We’re going to sit in protest on Scarborough Beach and plop some fresh ones out in protest.”

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BREAKING : Tory donor pays for water pipeline direct to Downing Street taps from Evian in France

EVIAIN’T : Just when everyone thought the Johnson’s were satisfied with their refurbishment of the 10 Downing Street slum it’s all kicked off again.

“It only goes to prove they’re a normal couple,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “No one ever finishes a refurbishment. There’s always something extra you have to do.”

The something extra in this instance is a complete overhaul of the water supply to the entire address.

“The EU have forced the U.K. government to lower our water quality standards. It is their fault because to continue to have the same high standards would be to bow to Brussels. And no patriotic British subject wants that. So we have to prove our independence by swimming in our own shit. It’s exceptionally Brexit.”

Clearly the nation’s fearless leaders don’t need to do that though. How will they govern if they’re worried about drinking typhus?

“The pipeline from the Evian factory in France will ensure the Johnson’s bathe in world beating water and can focus on the job in hand of turning the U.K. into a joke.”

Critics have attacked the pipeline saying that the public shouldn’t be expected to shell out billions for it at a time of unavoidable austerity.

“That’s where the critics prove how unpatriotic and silly they are,” the source retorted. “The public isn’t paying a penny towards the pipeline. It’s all been paid for by some friendly foreigners who want nothing at all in return. Except perhaps a knighthood or peerage.”

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BREAKING : Brexit leads to cheaper heating costs as Brits forage in woods for winter fuel

GREAT BRITISH HEATING : THOSE LAZY GERMAN CARMAKERS CAN FORGET saving Britons from the self-inflicted harm of Brexit now that we are a fully independent, sovereign, globally trading nation. Self-dependence is now our watchword and nobody likes cars anymore. And it’s not because we can’t get petrol.

While the mainstream media has been filling the front pages with unpatriotic scare stories about rising heating and energy costs Brits have been using the Blitz Spirit to show we don’t need any French electricity or Dutch gas.

“The woods are a hive of activity,” the BBC reports, “as plucky Brits thumb their noses at the boring busybodies in Brussels and find the fuel they need to survive the first proper Brexit winter.”

It’s well known that the extensive commons and forests of this MIGHTY ISLAND NATION have all that is needed to live without imports of food and energy.

“We will be broadcasting live throughout autumn and winter as the GREAT BRITISH FORAGE begins,” the BBC trumpets. “Mr Johnson himself will watch the action live with a glass of his favourite French wine in a chateau before a roaring blaze. Cheering on the patriots as they fight over the last twigs in the green spaces of our ALL CONQUERING COUNTRY.”

Still it’s not all Tudor roses as a group of Tory backbench MPs have set up the Fuel Research Group to study how best to use flint to start a fire.

“We will have to look at raising the VAT on foraged wood and dry moss. Especially on horse hoof fungus,” a representative of the FRG tells LCD Views. “We must ensure supply meets demand and demand is managed. And don’t forget the NHS will need the moss for use as bandages when the collapse of civil society leads to cannibalism.”

It’s guaranteed that EU27 energy supplies will feel the burn as the MIGHTY BRITISH LION sets its mane ablaze and runs back and forth along the WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER roaring at France.

“Nobody likes us and we don’t care!” the FRG representative adds. “We survived thousands of years on scavenged wood and badly bbq’d meat and we will do so again. This is just another tangible benefit of Brexit that we could not enjoy if we hadn’t of left Europe!”

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Every ambulance waiting to get into A&E is a new hospital, says Sajid Javid

MAKING UP THE NUMBERS: The infamous pledge to build 40 new hospitals will now be fulfilled outside many overworked hospitals. Thanks to new counting schemes, an ambulance waiting to admit an emergency patient now counts as a new hospital. 

“We have delivered on our promise!” claimed Bad Health Secretary Sajid Javid. The illumination from his lightbulb moment reflected in many directions, his perfectly shiny scalp acting like a glitter ball. He looked left and right, and his audience started to dance spontaneously.” Think about it!” he continued, to a thumping electronic beat, the crowd now openly popping pills. “Every ambulance is fully equipped for an emergency! It’s a hospital on wheels! Givin’ me the feels baby! Yeah!”

Not exactly Top Ten material, but the ravers, high on sovereignty and dubious substances, didn’t care. “Give us another choon, DJ The Saj!” they cried. 

Javid shook his glittering head again. “Don’t take a chance, you won’t catch covid in an ambulance!” he rapped, his skills as acute as an antivaxxer’s grasp of conventional science. “Do the hospital dance, while I take up the power stance!” He stood with his feet as far apart as his immaculately tailored suit trousers would allow, and raised his hands to the skies. The room went crazy. 

“Put your hands in the air, to show that you care! I’m wearing my ‘CARE’ badge, because I’m DJ The Saj!” 

Impartial BBC propagandist Cora Lunesberg was seen high-fiving disgraced serial shagger Matt Hancock. 

“No need to guess, just say yes!” Javid continued. “Let’s take back control of the NHS! Come big pharma, like a snake charmer, so don’t you listen to big bad Sir Keir Starmer!” 

Off their tits on freedom and independence, free from EU restrictions on illegal substances, the crowd had completely lost control. They partied into the night while Javid slunk away, his work done. 

It’s a rap. 

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Aspiration Britain – life expectancy is above Medieval levels for “most areas”

PANDEMIC SHAMDEMIC : HEALTH SECRETARY AND BANKER SAJID JAVID spoke to the nation yesterday in a barely telecast spectacle of bollocks.

The key aim of the speech appeared to be to pretend that nothing is going wrong with the management of the pandemic in the UK, in spite of everything very visibly going wrong and many people pointing it out.

Quite why relaxing all restrictions and pretending the virus was gone, or could be controlled by “personal responsibility” has lead to such an extremely negative outcome is baffling for everyone. Sorry. For no one.

“We’re fundamentally incapable of understanding that the health security of the general population is linked to the economy,” a 10 Downing Street source defended the Health Secretary. “As such we think every fresh body thrown on the pile is worth a percentage point of growth. Mercifully we won’t consider the international comparisons that show not letting your country become a viral tip actually improves economic outcomes. But then what do you expect from disaster capitalists pretending to be a government? Oh and we’re complete wankers.”

Compounding the difficulties in not just letting everyone die are a few other factors.

“We’ve forgotten that life is sacred and the government is supposed to do it all can to preserve it, not just arrange bank transfers for mates off the back of a deadly virus. Oh, and there’s an insane streak of US style libertarianism in the Tories these days. Basically it’s a belief system that goes, if it’s not me dying my freedoms are worth it, no matter how unnecessary or small. Cough your last grandma there’s no way an ERG is wearing a mask in a crowded public place. That infringes on his inalienable right to be a complete cock.”

There is also another key metric that so far convinces the Health Secretary he’s on the right path.

“Anyway,” Sajid-19* shrugged, “so long as life expectancy in the House of Commons remains above medieval levels what is there to worry about? Now get on that crowded commuter train and back into the office you expendable plebs.”

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BREAKING : Inquiry launched to find easier national holiday for PM to save

COUGH ONCE FOR YES : DOWNING STREET has launched a wide ranging inquiry to find a new national holiday. The search for a more relevant communal festival is said to have been inspired by how difficult it now is to “save Christmas and all the other outdated guff we used to celebrate”.

The inquiry will be chaired by a random associate of the PM and his wife who will be paid £500 per hour to look for the “right answers for modern Great Britain”. But while a chum will be receiving taxpayer cash to come up with the answers, the public is expected to do the actual coming up with the answers.

But critics of the inquiry have said it is just another excuse to “hang bunting over the growing mountain of pandemic dead” and “distract from the catastrophic failure to secure our trading relationships with the broader world”.

10 Downing Street are having none of that and said “no one could have predicted that getting Brexit done in the middle of a global crisis would lead to a greater crisis”. The new holiday will allow Britons to “celebrate themselves in a way no one else is prepared to anymore” and “we should all get behind it or risk being barred from basic public services”.

The inquiry will hit the ground running too as there are several ideas already in circulation.

“Great British Canary in a Coal Mine Day” is thought to be top of the list because “the canary is already dead but we’re going to keep on digging”.

To ensure the holiday is a success the government is striving to run as many small and medium sized businesses “to the wall” in advance of it, so everyone has the day off and no one has an excuse “not to celebrate Mr Johnson’s achievements in office”.