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I can’t remember which way I voted in the referendum, claims Boris Johnson

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO: Amnesia has struck our work-shy holiday addict of a Prime Minister. The man who claims he got elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done has conveniently forgotten which way he voted in the referendum. 

A Downing Street aide, Enda McTether, admitted this startling fact, while both confirming and denying that Johnson was away on an all expenses paid jolly. 

“The Prime Minister is not available to answer such trivial matters,” McTether scolded. “Don’t you know, he’s working night and day sorting out all this mess that definitely isn’t his fault.” 

We heard that he’s currently on holiday. 

“He strained a sinew and needs a rest,” confirmed McTether. “But he’s still working as hard as ever, he will not stop until he drops, so it’s not really a holiday is it, after all Marbella isn’t just a luxury resort on the Med, it’s a hotbed of workaholics, it has more laptops than Venice you know!” 

More sunbed than hotbed, by the sound of it. 

“You can top up your tan and sort out six kinds of national crisis at the same time!” screeched McTether. “Boris is in constant touch with Dominic Raab in case anything goes wrong!” 

Let’s just hope the sea is open again. So, now we know that Johnson is on holiday, even though he isn’t, and right on top of Carrie if nothing else, why don’t you let us know how he voted in the referendum? 

“He can’t remember, he’s slept since then!” said the very agitated McTether. “But it was definitely the right decision! It’s water under the bridge, it’s a private matter… it’s time to move on!” 

He’s pricked his own bubble. No wonder there’s so much hot air. The puffed up inflatable prime minister has let himself down. 

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Treasury orders banks to offer mortgages for winter fuel bills

BUILD BACK BIGGER BILLS : THE UK’S CHANCELLOR Rishi “bootstrap” Sunak has proven again that he hasn’t lost the common touch he was born with by taking action on the alarming escalation of energy costs for UK households.

“The decision to sell off the UK’s gas storage sites and leave the EU common energy market because it has EU in its name has revolutionised the UK energy customers relationship with global dynamics,” a Treasury source told LCD Views. “Mr Sunak understands that some voters maybe mildly alarmed by a threefold increase in energy costs over the last week. He has taken action to correct this.”

The action appears to be in easier financing for bills.

“UK consumers won’t be without heating this winter if they simply apply for an energy market,” the source explains. “The free market will provide the loans at levels similar to student loan debt. It will be very affordable.”

The length of the mortgage terms will be relatable too.

“You can choose any length so long as the bank is happy you can pay it,” the source adds. “A twenty five year gas fuel mortgage will not add disproportionately to a household’s outgoings, especially when you consider the extra income that can be generated by taking your children out of school and sending them to work.”

Mr Johnson is said to be supportive of the scheme, but that is mostly because he has zero understanding of how the country used to function.

“Neither does Sunak,” the source shrugs. “As such they’re well placed to help Britons avoid freezing to death this winter. Maybe.”

The mortgages can be secured against any valuables that your extended family may possess too.

“We’ll be making your pensions accessible to heat your home. If you can’t afford the repayments on your gas mortgage you won’t have to worry about paying the mortgage in retirement as you’ll be in the workhouse.”

We couldn’t have revolutionised the energy market in the UK if it wasn’t for Brexit.

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Boris Johnson has ‘thought’ at press conference

After Downing Street had announced earlier today that Boris Johnson was to have a ‘thought’ at some time during the day, a press conference was speedily arranged so that he could deliver his thought to a loyal and expectant crowd. Originally, the conference was to have been held outside Number Ten but it soon became apparent that the public was clamouring to be present in great numbers.

Speculation grew rapidly over what precisely the thought might be. Experts dismissed the idea that it was related to Strictly Come Dancing’s AJ Odudu’s performance last weekend, but some thought it might be whether Gareth Southgate would start Grealish against Hungary on Tuesday night, or play Foden as a roaming inside forward just behind Kane and Sterling. Southgate commented, ‘I’m in a quandary over this and if the PM can bring his expertise on a 3-4-1-2 formation, I for one would be delighted.’

As the crowds began to gather in Parliament Square, their ears pressed to their transistor radios, buses and taxis came to a standstill. Impromptu performances by Ed Sheeran and Gary Barlow did nothing to dampen the joyous mood. Kevin and Doris Pastie, both dressed head to foot in Union Jacks, were typical of the many Brits in attendance. ‘We’ve come all the way from Welwyn Garden City just to be here when Boris tells us his thought,’ said Kevin. Doris added, ‘It’s brought the country together, there’s people of all types here. I met someone from Aspatria. I asked him how long he’d been in England but I don’t think he’s learned the language yet!’

Despite being nearly an hour late, the PM received a rousing cheer when he appeared on the stage. A chorus of Rule Britannia echoed around Westminster and it was some minutes before Mr Johnson could be heard. The crowd impatiently hushed each other and, with enraptured faces, gazed at the PM.

‘Earlier today I had a thought,’ he began. ‘Unfortunately, it’s um a case of non cogito and it’s gone completely out of my head. Nil desperado, it’ll come back to me as, indeed, I hope you will ha ha.’ The tumultuous crowd roared its approval as the PM left the stage.

Slowly the happy crowd dispersed, leaving only a small boy holding a bedraggled flag. ‘What the fuck?’ he said.

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Boris Johnson said to view possibility of a “three day working week” as terrifying

WORK TO LIVE : THE PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is reported to be “deeply alarmed”, “monumentally stupefied” and “catatonic in terror” at the prospect of the shrinking UK industrial base having to cut short the working week due to the gas crisis.

So alarmed is the prime minister he has had to take a “quick getaway” to “get some perspective” on the baffling and growing crises afflicting the UK which are believed to be “coming out of nowhere”.

The decision to get away from it all has been supported by Tory MPs who are also mostly doing “fuck all” about the many problems the country now faces.

“It’s not just energy, water, food, petrol, credibility, tax increases, food poverty and the very real prospect of complete societal breakdown,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “MPs are also frantic at the prospect of the three day working week being introduced. None more so than the Boss.”

The concern focuses completely on the amount of work that will be expected if it happens.

“It will treble our expected weekly output,” one anonymous Tory clapping seal told LCD Views. “That is not why we entered public service. We came into politics to be bankrolled by sanctioned Russian oligarchs. Not to do any work.”

But while the MPs themselves are “mortified” the situation is of course even graver for Mr Johnson.

“It’s a bit of a maths problem we can’t work out,” an aide for the PM told this world beating publication. “He currently does no work at all ever. But if he has to start working three day weeks what is that? How do you multiply nothing and come up with a result?”

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Downing Street launch public information campaign to prepare for winter

BREXMAS IS COMING : DOWNING STREET is to continue with the fine tradition of spaffing millions up the wall of billboards with a public information campaign aimed at preparing Britons for the coming winter.

Rumours leaking out of 10 Downing Street suggest there was considerable debate over what the public information campaign should focus on, with a split in the cabinet between highlighting the best dishes to cook your neighbours with for high nutritional value, and a less alarmist focus on just eating your own pets.

“It’s vitally important for community cohesion that people just eat their own animals,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Neighbours are likely to turn on each other if the classic Sunday roast is the £1500 toy poodle from up the street and not your own rescue cat.”

A website is planned with recipe ideas for everything from small birds like finches and all the way up to large dogs like Great Danes.

“We would like to encourage people to club together during the colder months. Mostly each other’s pets of course. Maybe take turns and have each other over for dinner? Although if I were you I’d extend the first invite!”

The Prime Minister himself is said to favour also spending five hundred billion on a user friendly cooking app.

“You just put in the species you plan to cook over the chopped up sofa in your backyard and it will provide a range of recipes based on your geographical location. This is a key feature as different areas of the country have different herbs and weeds available for forage through winter.”

But critics on the opposition benches have hit back at the plan and said the focus is clearly discriminatory as not everyone has a yard. No less a placard crusader than a former leader of the official opposition is to do what he has done best for decades and hold a sign saying “What about people who live in flats?” before going shopping for a new tracksuit.

Mr Johnson is to end the campaign with the approach of spring in 2022 and promise everyone the possibility of “great new pets” in the future. Which perfectly fits his pattern of governance.

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PM celebrates creation of high wage low skilled political elite

BUILD BACK BLATHER : The dust is settling on the abandoned canapes and the last tortured strains of karaoke are spasming in the sticky corners of a Manchester function room with the dead skin cells lost during the frenzied Torygasm. The success of the eternal Tory project has been celebrated for another year.

“Of course it never ends,” a partied out 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So long as people are inventing new things, developing novel industries and ideas there will be other’s work to appropriate and pretend it is your own. That is where the profit lies. Take the endeavour of someone else’s life and crack it open like a nut to eat what is inside. Discard the shell. Ignore their baffled eyes. The day to day work of Toryism is on a higher plane. You can see its contrails on high. Blood red blue blood. Pass the caviar darling. Prepare the blood transfusions….”

The higher plain where the work of centuries goes on. Taking the fat from the lamb while the lamb struggles on. Baffled eyes. Distorted nostrils. It eats the meagre grass at its feet while its foul shepherd carves away its flanks. Again and again. The EU almost ruined it. What with its guaranteed minimum standards and rights. Brexiter and Lexiter joined together to set that right. Embrace Brexit they say, so I can continue to fight for you safe with my public pay. Who is the greater devil? The one who comes in the night or the one who stands there like a fucking doorstop to let the devil in?

“Not just anyone can be an MP,” the source muses, finger trailing around the lipsticked edge of a fractured champagne flute. Dust motes in the reflected sparkles of a disco ball. Bones at the source’s feet. Bones of an aspiration albatross taken from the back of someone born dirt poor and chained in the womb. Ring through its beak. Then drag it to the dance floor and slaughter it amongst the tight circle of the clan. Chant “UC cut!” as the last embers of hope die in the mythical creature’s eyes. Poverty is motivational, right?

“What next I wonder?” the source of wonder. “We need a high wage, high skill economy. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

Prepare the sacrifice. Build back blather. Batter the poor and fry ’em.

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Boris Johnson uses himself as an example of a low skilled immigrant ruining Britain

KNOW THYSELF : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is not content to rest on his laurels of one of the world’s worst pandemic responses, he’s also after the very fabric out of which the country is woven.

Immigrants. We all know they’re bad. They’ve been bad since they arrived and threw up all those stone structures we take so much pride in, they’ve been bad since they taught us to farm, they were bad when they came and made roads and toilets, bad when they arrived to lay down the foundations of the country in successive waves over centuries and especially bad when they made everyone speak French for a while. Boris Johnson knows this. You know this. From imported Dutch and German kings, when we couldn’t manufacture our own, and all the way to the Queen marrying a Greek man. Immigrants! What have they ever done for us? Apart from fish and chips. Oh, and then we went and conquered half of them and brought home enough loot to create the British Museum.

None of that thought compares though to the damage actually done by Britain’s most famous immigrant right now.

“It takes one to know one,” Mr Johnson told the Conservative Party Conference earlier today. An audience with many heavy hitters. A lot of them the children of immigrants. Which makes all the immigrant hating for votes especially confusing.

“Yes some immigrants come over here and drive trucks and what not, but that is nothing compared to the damage the most celebrated immigrant is currently doing. Dismantling the country so fast if he wasn’t a Russian asset he may as well be one. Or North Korean! Why not the Manchurian Candidate? Same difference. Look at the wreckage.”

Boris Johnson was of course talking about Boris Johnson. He’s the exception to the rule (of law).

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Government is not the job of government, says government

WASHING HANDS OF RESPONSIBILITY: The government has today denied that it has any responsibility to govern. Any individual having a problem with that should expect from Priti Patel’s heavies.

“People should look to family first, then community, then charity, then business, then Australia, and not come running cap in hand all the time,” stated government Minister for Doing Stuff, Bo Nidle. Rapturous applause from the audience, looking forward to another 52 weeks holiday this year. “The UK is a well-oiled machine.” Cheers from the well-oiled crowd. “It is up to individual choice how they govern themselves, the Nanny State has gone too far.” Mayhem, as audience members exercised Individual Choice to bray and holler and drink the bar dry.

Priti Patel drove home the point as only she can. “People expectin’ to be bailed out are wrong,” she screeched. “You’re all individuals, you can think for yourselves.” Her audience responded with a chorus of ‘Yes, we’re all individuals, we can think for ourselves.’ “Nobody wants the government interferin’ with their affairs. Anyone expectin’ us to do their hard work for them will be dealt with, severely. We will be turnin’ back the votes!”

But nobody typified the attitude better than Boris Johnson. “I used to like rules and regulations, you see,” he waffled. “So much so, that I decided, don’t you know, yes, no, well, you see, as it were, wiff waff, to make the rules, if you get my drift, make the rules work for me. But I’m bored now, I want to let someone else get on with the hard work, and that means you! Back to work, you lazy, feckless, useless British working classes, it’s your job to do stuff and it’s mine to sit around all day, drinking and shagging and talking bollocks, while drawing a massive salary!”

And if this doesn’t work out, well we all know who will take the blame.

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Tory Party confident Johnson acting like a clown will charm starving masses

BREAD AND CIRCUSES : A source within 10 Downing Street has revealed the Conservative Party’s plan for helping millions of people adjust to the cuts to Universal Credit and increase in NI. The need to support the public is clear as soon even the food banks will be at breaking point.

“Boris Johnson is going to continue to act like an idiot,” the source reveals. “We’re confident that this will be sufficient to convince people choosing to skip lunch or dinner is the right choice. It’s worked so far. Although admittedly that has been in the long run up to dismantling the UK for asset strippers, turning what’s left into a parody of the 14th century and bringing back laws against the enticement of labour.”

Anyone who isn’t impressed by their Prime Minister messing about with fish and chips while their local school crashes and burns in the endless pandemic will find themselves swiftly corrected.

“If you think Mr Johnson accidentally throwing a custard pie into his face before walking blind into a lamp post and bouncing off only to fall down a pot hole isn’t a system of government then you are not very patriotic,” the source explains. “That’s what we will tell people.”

Further hijinks will be planned for the coming weeks as attempts to aggravate the EU to distract from the catastrophic failure of UK governance ramps up.

“We’ll be making some old school jokes about the French,” the source beams. “Don’t worry about that. We’ve got old Bonaparte on the run. The voters will be queueing up in anticipation”

Just like they currently do when there’s rumour of a drop of a fuel at a petrol station.

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BREAKING : Priti Patel to go on “charm offensive” to recruit more EU27 drivers

BULLY FOR YOU: The task of sweet talkin’ EU lorry drivers into sortin’ the UK’s problems out has fallen to Priti Patel. The offensively charmless Ms Patel will attack the problem with her usual grace and tact. 

Patel will first of all deny that she ever gloried in the title of Send Them All Back Home Secretary. She is then expected to draw up a stringent list of terms and conditions, before promising Christmas on Ascension Island. 

Home Office insider Kat O’Ninetails was able to fill in a bit of the detail. 

“Even though we need these foreigners to deal with their mess, we still hold the whip hand,” said O’Ninetails threateningly. “They should feel obliged to come back. After all, they disappeared just when we needed them, it’s the height of irresponsibility!”

I see that 27 drivers have signed up so far. That’s not very encouraging. 

“This is why we are goin’ on a recruitment drive!” snarled O’Ninetails. “The Glory of England should be sufficient motivation in itself, but obviously we will need to supply greater incentives. We will soon whip them into shape!” 

So the charm offensive begins. How are you goin’ to charm them? 

“Oh, we can be charmin’, believe me,” growled O’Ninetails, putting on a knuckleduster. “Firstly, and most importantly, do the filthy foreign traitors want to see English children starve? That’s the message we are puttin’ out across Europe right now. 

“Secondly, as we said, we are offering a free holiday on Ascension Island for all the garlic munchers who come back and beg for mercy. 

“Finally, if these measures don’t work, then it’s no more Mr Nice Guy, and we simply press gang them. The Army is on standby.” 

The hostile environment won’t be a barrier? Or border controls? 

“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not supposed to work, it’s only to make us look tough!” 

Nutshell.