COUGH ONCE FOR YES : DOWNING STREET has launched a wide ranging inquiry to find a new national holiday. The search for a more relevant communal festival is said to have been inspired by how difficult it now is to “save Christmas and all the other outdated guff we used to celebrate”.
The inquiry will be chaired by a random associate of the PM and his wife who will be paid £500 per hour to look for the “right answers for modern Great Britain”. But while a chum will be receiving taxpayer cash to come up with the answers, the public is expected to do the actual coming up with the answers.
But critics of the inquiry have said it is just another excuse to “hang bunting over the growing mountain of pandemic dead” and “distract from the catastrophic failure to secure our trading relationships with the broader world”.
10 Downing Street are having none of that and said “no one could have predicted that getting Brexit done in the middle of a global crisis would lead to a greater crisis”. The new holiday will allow Britons to “celebrate themselves in a way no one else is prepared to anymore” and “we should all get behind it or risk being barred from basic public services”.
The inquiry will hit the ground running too as there are several ideas already in circulation.
“Great British Canary in a Coal Mine Day” is thought to be top of the list because “the canary is already dead but we’re going to keep on digging”.
To ensure the holiday is a success the government is striving to run as many small and medium sized businesses “to the wall” in advance of it, so everyone has the day off and no one has an excuse “not to celebrate Mr Johnson’s achievements in office”.