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May takes Brexit Delay Bill to Germany for royal assent

LCD Views can report this morning that provincial administrator of a cold prefecture off the coast of continental Europe, Theresa May, is to take the Brexit Delay Bill to ruler of Europe, Angela Merkel (in Germany) this morning for royal assent.

This should not come as a great surprise. Anyone who has used the Daily Fail, or the Torygraph, to educate themselves over how the EU works, will know that only Germany has a veto.

“She’ll be careful to remind Merkel of the important historical lesson to be found in TWO WORLD WARS AND ONE WORLD CUP!,” our local government correspondent says, “the dog wags the tail and the dog is a British bulldog!!,,11??!,,,!”

Which should ensure the conversation gets off on the right foot.

While it is likely that Angela Merkel will grant her assent to the bill, now that it has passed through both meeting rooms in England and gained the symbolic tick of approval from local tourist attraction, Queen Elizabeth II, there is still a risk of it being returned without assent.

“Merkel may add amendments to the bill before giving her approval,” our correspondent suggests, “such as removing the ability of the provincial power using the new law to mess around the workings of the more powerful governments on the continent,

“Hopefully so long as May remembers to shout at Merkel ‘YOU NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED YOU!!!’, then only verbal assurances will be required. May’s word, a byword for good faith, should be enough.”

Merkel will be under further pressure to provide her assent to the delay bill swiftly, as after May’s visit, she has a fully booked schedule for the rest of the week of German automakers demanding she consents to whatever England wants.

“After Merkel has given her assent May will go and see Emperor Macron,” our correspondent says, “which should go well, even though the local press in May’s province has blasted Liam Fox’s misogynistic comments about Macron’s wife all over the front pages for the last few days, this won’t be a problem, as no one across the channel reads English,

“It’s a funny little thing Brexit. All the lies about sovereignty used by the Leavers to argue that our province should break off from the empire are now becoming truths, albeit temporary, because of the lies themselves. Global Britain Empire 2.0. Here we go. Here we go.”

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I’m only talking to Corbyn because I’ve pulled all the other Leavers of power, admits May

Theresa May is clinging to power by the skin of her teeth. Getting into bed with the enemy, Jeremy Corbyn, is a last desperate stunt before reality finally closes in.

Corbyn is involved because Brexit is a cross-party policy, and the Conservative Party is very cross indeed.

The Tory party’s normal negotiating technique, which is to make a catastrophic decision, profit from the chaos, and bugger off (see every privatisation, ever) has not worked this time. The EU has failed to roll over and allow the UK to behave like a spoilt child. Hence the need to involve Labour to increase May’s leverage.

May’s statement, as usual, contained a good deal of ambiguity. In order to muddy the waters even further, May made a statement from her boudoir.

“I’ve pulled a lot of Leavers in my time,” claimed May in her coquettish way, from the sofa, which looked easily big enough to shag on. “I pull them on to the team, and then I pull them off again.”

Principal among the Leavers May has pulled is Boris Johnson. May pulled him from the team long ago. Boris took one for the team, but the sofa allegedly still bears the stains.

Pulling Corbyn is a transparent attempt to pull the wool over Labour”s eyes. Have her way, call a general election, resign, and leave Jeremy holding the baby. Pull a fast one.

But all this Leaver pulling has not impressed the EU. “A lever normally makes a hard job easier,” commented EU spokeswonk Di Namix. “British Leavers have, instead, thrown spanners into the works. Jacob Rees-Mogg is a typical British lever: long, thin, rigid, but screws everything up, because the EU machinery is metric and Mogg is Imperial.”

Reality, meanwhile, is waiting in the wings alongside a fat lady vocalist. They are unable to take centre stage yet because the elephant in the room has grown to an enormous size.

 

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Prominent Leave supporters now calling for Brexit pause after discovering Google

Prominent Leave supporters who have made a habit of trashing anyone questioning cute, bubbly baby Brexit as remoaners for years are now experiencing sudden changes of heart.

Taking to twitter several have even expressed the staggering opinion that the Brexit being delivered is actually somewhat shit.

This is a deep surprise. The changes of heart, not the fact that the Brexit being delivered is a bit shit.

Brexit it seems could still be a wonderful thing, just reality would need to be changed to make it work.

Prominent pro-EU politicians and commentators are now falling over themselves to congratulate any erstwhile Brexiter suddenly finding themselves on the road to Damascus with the sword of Damocles hanging over their heads, with the further shocking realisation that the road is actually located in the belly of an ocean leviathan that has swallowed the lot. And, for good measure, the leviathan is actually a prodigal son making its way home after one almighty land based bender.

The prominent politicians have to extend the open hand of friendship and help the tired kippers back onto the life raft of sanity. Clearly. It would serve no public good for them to do otherwise.

We are also pleased that the red mist of rage at lost imperial might is finally clearing and leading to a curing of nostalgia and delusion based blindness.

But, just for a moment, we’re going to be unhelpful and vent a little frustration, because of the deep harm the Brexit lie has caused to the country and people we love.

And just make it aware that we didn’t fall for the Brexiter’s lies, even though we were more focused on solely domestic issues prior to the EU ref. And because thirty fucking seconds on Google was all it took to realise each and every claim for Brexit was complete and utter bullshit and only tax dodging disaster capitalists and racists were going to be well served. The disaster socialists also seeing their opportunity in Brexit was a surprise though, and one that came in the later months of 2016.

Now, that vented, let’s get back to being magnanimous…welcome back to the fold of the sane, you’ve been missed, genuinely.

https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/opendemocracyuk/i-was-strong-brexiteer-now-we-must-swallow-our-pride-and-think-again/

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Makers of “The Purge” movies waiting to film No Deal Brexit as next installment in franchise

Mark Francois, spontaneously combusting chunk of ERG gammon, is said to be rumoured to want to sue the makers of “The Purge” movies after they refused to cast him in the next planned installment to the franchise. This next movie is planned to be just live recordings taken from across England if No Deal Brexit occurs.

“Is it illegal to be made of ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT PURE SALTED HAM?!!” Francois told the world, via a splattering of pulled pork across Twitter, “I will star on day one of any No Deal Brexit. Why aren’t they planning on filming me?!!?”

Quite why is up for the makers of the franchise to say, but it is rumoured to be because of the belief Mark will be cannibalised by other members of the ERG in the opening moments of No Deal Brexit Day : Purge.

”He’s just too tasty,” Jacob Rees-mogg wrote in his diary, which we have stolen, “and of course he’s also as thick as mince. Imagine him consumed with a nice chianti and some fava beans?”

We here at LCD Views would like to lend our support to Mark and understand his deep confusion and hurt feelings.

”It’s hard to think of many more suited to taking part in such a spree of lawlessness,” our political psychologist commented, “Mark supports the result of an illegally procured advisory referendum result, converted into a political mandate by wilful ignorance and base self interest, spiced with a blind eye to criminality. He’s clear to be a star turn. He should be fitted with a pair of GPS able eyeballs and allowed to do as he wants,

Preferably in a sand pit with non-bladed tools where he can’t injure any of the other boys.”

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Woman red faced after dodgy home movie leaks all over social media

A British woman, who goes to church but never listens, has been left red faced after a private movie, filmed at home, presumably by her husband, was leaked across social media.

While the woman’s identity has not yet been made public, social media analysts say they are concerned at the impact on her professional life once someone recognises her and names her. The dialogue in the movie is pretty graphic and gives the clear impression of a desperate person seeking refuge in a rich fantasy life.

“By her dress she’s a vicar’s daughter,” our viral expert says, “although long strayed from the path, by no means a good Samaritan. Just look at the symbols in the video? She’s clearly very wealthy, but is slumming it on an Ikea sofa? That’s a prop for some fruity foreplay right there, with her partner and potentially others. This is very possibly a view into a secret society. You notice how she gets visibly aroused when talking about ending freedom of movement? This is code for bondage. The safe word appears to be Labour.”

Whether the video was accidentally posted online, or deliberately, by the person filming it is not yet clear, but we suspect it’s accidental. The footage is rough. The camera work shaky. Possibly due to over excitement on the part of the person filming, in consideration of the position they intend to take on sterling?

“The crap production values are a sure sign of what we in the trade term ‘roughing it porn’,” our analyst adds, “this is an exceptionally well off individual who gets their kicks from moving their expensive furniture out of the room and then surrounding themselves with furnishings only low born types would use, and then sitting. More niche than furries.”

So far the social media giants have been slow to take down the video, which has led to calls for greater regulation of the sector.

“It’s pretty grim. To have your fetish just up there for all the world to see. Presumably we’re all just lucky the film ends before she changes into a maid’s uniform and starts doing the dusting, while putting on a cockney accent that would cause even Dick Van Dyke to cry foul!”

We just hope the video wasn’t posted as an act of revenge for something trivial like the establishment of a booming food bank sector and the complete and utter humiliation of an entire country by the setting of red lines written out of a clear sense of xenophobia.

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Study finds compulsive social media use would not be so toxic if world wasn’t run by total bastards

LCD Views can report today on the findings from the University of Digital Society, based in Plymoth, after their short lived research into the potential toxicity of social media abuse concluded.

“To be honest we didn’t crunch much data,” Professor Facepamphlet, Snapwaffle Department, told our pseudo-science correspondent, Dr Twatter, “it wasn’t necessary. It’s blindingly obvious what the problem is.”

Professor Facepamphlet, not everyone is an expert in the field of social media, in spite of being heavy consumers, would you care to illuminate?

“Hang on. I just liked an article on a new type of plug for [Ed. water] butts and now the ad placements in my timeline are a little eye catching! Just let me click on the link…”

Do you think that’s wise?

“Good point. I’ll wait till later.”

So what’s so blindingly obvious about the toxicity of over consumption of social media?

“Isn’t it obvious?”

OMG. Are you sure you’re not tenured to the University of Life?

“What? Sorry, I was distracted by an article covering Donald Trump’s latest fascist rantings. He’s not even pretending anymore. It’s terrifying. What the actual America? How bad does he need to get before you act to remove him?”

I think we can work out what the problem is without waiting for you to tell us.

“Excuse me? What was the question? I was reading an article embedded in another article about Theresa May’s psychological profile and how it impacts badly on her governing style.”

https://www.johnhuntpublishing.com/blogs/obooks/the-enneagram-and-theresa-may/

It’s because social media is many people’s main news source these days and these days, at least in certain countries that were supposed to be great examples of democracy, bastards are running the show and that’s incredibly depressing.

“What? I was not reading about how the world’s leaders have actually committed to tackling climate change and world poverty together after a realisation that if they don’t we’re all going to hell in a handcart. By the time we’ve seen off Trump and Brexit we will have lost a lot of time and a lot of biodiversity.”

Professor Facepamphlet, thank you for your time.

“Sorry, did you say something? I’ve just received a friend request from a twenty year old girl in a bikini, who I’ve never met, which seems a little odd.”

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BREAKING Brexit Update : U.K. halts Brexit talks with EU to intensify talking to itself

BREAKING : Fresh stools left overnight on the doorstep of 10 Downing Street have been collected and analysed in a hurry to discover their chemical composition, thus discovering where the UK is with Brexit.

“It’s no longer taking hits from the bong with the EU,” our political scientist reveals from the lab,

“it’s stopped all that in order to intensify getting high with itself. Although various meth head Tory ministers have been briefed to insult France in the hope of enraging Macron so much he vetoes any further extension to Article 50.”

Not a bad policy.

“Yes. Dose Fox or Hunt up on uncut Brexit and let them rip, stream of consciousness style. Shame Boris sacked off. He could be exceptionally useful right now if he was still a Minister of State.”

But the UK’s sessions with the UK, which have been run in parallel to negotiations with the EU27 are achieving even less it seems. No matter how much Brexit is ingested, inhaled or injected by the main party leaders. Should they perhaps not be using their own product so much?

“It’s a problem. Unlike most mind crushing compounds, in order to produce Brexit you have to use Brexit. But the more you use Brexit the less likely you are to be capable of making Brexit,

“Both May and Corbyn want to make a lot of Brexit, that’s bloody obvious, they’ve been telling us constantly for nearly three years as they fiddle and fumble about in the lab. Yes, It was the Tories who started the lab, but Labour have refused to politically weaponise Brexit, at a leadership level, all the criminality and lies that go hand in hand with making Brexit could be used to drag the Tories out of office. It’s baffling really.”

Any theories?

“The more they use it the less clear their thinking. A standard side effect of Brexit use, even small amounts are like a lobotomy. Oh, and delivering a Brexit payload of any size destroys both their parties, but not making Brexit only destroys the Tories. So we can only conclude the Labour leadership are talking with the Tories about how to produce more tonnes of Brexit out of a hope they can rip off the entire load at the last minute and convert it chemically into Lexit.”

That’s a much safer substance.

“Not at all. In order to make it you need to end Freedom of Movement, so the cooks tell us. So…maybe best to just say no to that too.”

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Steve Baker to go camo in hard man commando cameo

SELF STYLED ERG HARD MAN Steve Baker (WTF? He’s an MP?!) is rumoured to be planning to wear camouflage trousers in the House of Commons tomorrow.

“Steve, or someone that looks a lot like Steve, has been spotted on Why-come high street haggling over the price of camouflage trousers at a fly pitched, street market stall,” our eye in the sky reports, “the transaction was successfully concluded with the trader throwing in a gold mesh top, leading to speculation that it was the hardest man in the ERG flashing his cash for some new threads.”

The outfit, so it’s rumoured (although this is all entirely speculative, so speculative you’d have to conclude fictional), is going to be premiered tomorrow when parliament resumes to continue not making decisions about Brexit.

We asked our resident psychologist what could be behind Steve’s change in outfit.

“Well, before I give my opinion, I believe you should watch the video of Mr Baker being floored and crying he gives in, for which there is a link below.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-30896975

“Now, did you notice the style of trousers worn by the man who unmanned hard man Steve?”

Yes. They were camouflage.

“So that goes, in part, some way, marginally to explain how Steve first conceived of the need to re-style as a hard man. He presumably shudders whenever he sees camouflage of any kind, as a result of the deep, psychological trauma he carries from the incident in the footage. I think we should congratulate him for facing his fear. He’s going to need a hand to hold onto when he attempts to pull the trousers up for the first time.”

Well, that’s expert analysis if ever we had any. Now back to our eye in the sky for political analysis.

“Steve knows that Brexit is slipping away from the ERG. He hasn’t invested in all that gold bullion for nothing.”

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/ex-brexit-minister-invested-70000-13091710

“Something has to be done. Normally people wear camouflage to not be seen, but now and then a condom full of walnuts like Steve will put them on to be noticed. He’s going to flex his muscles and man spread on the green benches in trousers no one can ignore. This will show the rest of his party what fate awaits them if they don’t tow the line. We all know he won’t be wearing a backstop.”

But additional rumours that he plans to go commando when he goes camo has led to calls for the NHS to be on standby.

“The fly pitcher he bought the dodgy merchandise off has a reputation for selling trousers with defective flies. I would be careful going commando in that camo. Anything could come out when it wasn’t expected, or worse still, anything could get stuck in the zipper. Bercow may have additional reasons to shout ORDERRRRR in the chamber tomorrow.”

For good measure we’ve included a link to Steve apologising to the house after his put up job with Rees-mogg to smear the civil service went south.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42911538

The NHS has been placed on stand by and ordered to have an ambulance waiting in Westminster in case the hard man of commando comes stuck, or unstuck, in his trying to out alpha the other alpha males in the big boy’s chamber. While presumably boring the life out of the alpha girls.

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Good luck with that – ‘The nasty party’ that hates everyone expects everyone it hates to save it from itself

We can report today from the stunning landscape of self-delusion on the state of the Conservative Party.

“It hates everyone,” our Tory party insider reveals.

We know that. We don’t make up figments of our imagination, and pretend they’re sources, to state the bleeding obvious. What else have you got?

“No. Wait. It hates everyone. That now includes itself. In fact it has so much self loathing now it’s so toxic it probably can’t survive being itself, which it hates, for much longer.”

Well that’s encouraging, given that until recently it’s specialised in just hating anyone that wasn’t it.

“Yes. It’s evolved as a party. Which is nice.”

But how has it arrived at the station of self loathing?

“Choo! Choo!”

Excuse me?

“The Hostile Environment Express.”

They’re on a train?

“Yes. And it’s called at every possible stop along the way. From racist immigration policies that have ruined the UK’s reputation abroad. From privatising every possible public service, merely to funnel public money into private pockets (anyone who thinks Grayling is a failure isn’t paying attention, he’s a runaway success). From running down the NHS in preparation to switch up from constant piecemeal privatisation to handing it lock stock to US private health care. From fracking in the grip of climate crisis. From punishing sick and poor people with insane DWP assessments. From…”

I think we can stop you there. There’s so many stops on the line and you haven’t even mentioned Brexit.

“Oh, that’s the final destination. That’s where the Hostile Environment engine explodes and takes everything with it.”

So let me get this straight, if the Hostile Environment Express doesn’t arrive at its final stop we can save the country and reverse back through all the stops on the line?

“We could. But what’s more important? Saving the country or saving the Tory Party?”

Don’t you mean the nasty party? To borrow a phrase from the current prime minister who, ironically enough, has fulfilled her earlier warning as prophecy?

“Everyone has to decide for themselves. But I’d suggest if we end up participating in the EU elections and it causes the Tory Party to destroy itself, they’ve only themselves to blame. Choo choo.”

I’ll stand at the nearest station and cheer that one along the line.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/06/tory-mp-nadhim-zahawi-says-joining-in-eu-elections-would-be-conservative-party-suicide-note

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ERG crystal clear David Cameron’s promise to act on result of 2016 opinion poll should be discarded

Old soggy Moggy, ERG leader, has reportedly been shopping for yet another pair of flip flops today.

“He’s getting through them faster than his dummies,” a woman claiming to be the man child’s nanny told LCD Views, “and those he’s going through fast enough as it is! Keeps spitting the darn things out, and do you think I can find them?”

The latest flip to become a flop concerns the purportedly binding nature of word’s uttered by former prime minister David ‘trotters’ Cameron.

“Well, when it suited little Jacob what Cameron said was law,” the nanny explained, “but that was because little Moggy thought he’d get the Brexit he wanted. But now that it looks like he’s in danger of getting the Brexit Theresa May wants, or no Brexit at all, so it’s a different story altogether.”

This seems to be because there’s a danger that any Brexit delivered by May won’t be a big enough disaster?

“I think so. I really just wipe his nose and bottom and make sure he’s dressed properly with his monocle. You’ll have to go to the horse’s mouth to find out for yourself.”

LCD Views thinks the latest change in position is a testament to the fine private education sector in the country.

While Mr Rees-mogg initially misunderstood the nature of how our parliamentary democracy functions, wherein any leader or parliament can not bind a future one, it seems he’s now realised his error.

This of course shows the error of agreeing anything with the current government which as stable and trustworthy as a grown man who still has a nanny. And that is neither strong, nor stable.

“It’s a shame you can’t bind the hands of future governments,” the nanny sighed, “little Jacob is constantly going on about it. If it wasn’t the case we wouldn’t have universal suffrage, which apparently would have been better for everyone.”