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Trump proposes extra $1.6bn so NASA can hide his tax returns on Mars

Donald Trump has been championing a return to outer space ever since he took office, and it’s pretty much the only decent idea he’s had in his life.

Now it turns out, to the surprise of absolutely nobody with any sense, that he has an ulterior motive for doing so.

Trump admitted last night that he was looking for a place to hide his tax returns where the IRS couldn’t get at them.

“These documents are absolutely totally top secret,” he explained. “It is vital for national security that they are placed beyond the reach of anyone who would do harm to your glorious leader – uh, nation, glorious nation, that’s it.”

Rumours were rife that he intended sending the documents on a mission to Mars stocked full of explosives which would be accidentally detonated once the shuttle left the earth’s atmosphere, until he realised that he might have need to look at the documents himself at some point.

This wouldn’t prevent an accidental explosion from taking place on the return trip, until it was pointed out that there was no guarantee of him being the only person who would know the exact location in which the files were hidden.

Trump spent several minutes pondering this one before finally coming up with an answer.

“I’ll lead the mission myself. When we land I’ll go off on my own and take the top secret documents with me and hide them somewhere no one else can find them and I won’t tell anyone where they are.”

This will involve making a special spacesuit for him so he can move about without being traced.

The senior astronaut on the mission, Major Tom Starr-Mann had this to say:

“The idea is foolproof. We can touch down, drop him off so he can hide his files, and the minute he’s out of the landing craft, we shut the doors and blast back off again.”

Other senior NASA officials were quick to get behind this plan, all agreeing that it would be worth every penny spent if it comes off.

The Martian launch is scheduled to take place just as soon as they can build a powerful enough rocket to carry such a weight of financial mismanagement into orbit. We wish them luck.

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BREXIT : Olly Robbins heads to Brussels to negotiate his political asylum

HELP ME HIDE : UK’s lead Brexit negotiator, Olly Robbins, is to beg Barnier for political asylum later today as he heads to Brussels under the pretence of re-negotiating the political declaration tacked onto the end of May’s Brexit Withdrawal Agreement.

“Ms May has packed him off again in the hope he will come back with some classic continental fudge,” our Brexit analyst, Puff the Magic Dragon, says, “it isn’t concerning the deal she’s agreed with Brussels, it’s about making the political declaration attached to it so vague the current Conservative government, or any future Labour one, can pretend it meant exactly whatever it is they need it to pretend. While protecting workers and business investment. As the country burns to the ground.”

But while Ms May may have sent Olly off on that understanding, with Keir Starmer nodding approvingly behind her, and Nosferatu nodding approvingly behind Starmer, a leak suggests Olly Robbins has perhaps an entirely different agenda.

“He’s a good rapport built up over the last couple of years with Barnier,” Puff the Magic Dragon comments, “for a long time now they’ve sat in a Brussel’s room together, overlooking the dragon statues in the park outside the EU commission building, reminiscing about when the UK was sane. And Barnier has said something like,

‘I’m so sorry you’re having to do this my dear Olly, it’s all insane’ and Olly has replied, ‘Tell me about it, it’s nuttier than a bag of nuts being sold at a nut convention by a squirrel with a nut fetish back at home. Sometimes I just wish there was somewhere I could go and hide. I can’t tell you how much I like coming here and talking with people who aren’t lunatics. I just wish I could stay’. And then they get down to trying to make the British position sound in anyway connected to life on planet Earth.”

We suspect Robbins will be granted asylum in the EU and we can say if he is it will cause us to boil over with envy.

Good luck Olly. One day this will all be in your past. Just like the United Kingdom on its current trajectory.

FOR GOD’S SAKE SOMEONE SANE TAKE THE WHEEL!

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I don’t get enough airtime, complains man on TV every single day

Airtime is vital, ask any advertiser. Any publicity is good, even if you are a dodgy secondhand car salesman. Or leader of a populist movement.

The man, whose initials are coincidentally the same as the proto-Nazi National Front, has had another meltdown. This happened during his regular slot as a guest on the Andrew Marr Show. The minute he was gently challenged, he launched into a perfectly scripted rant about how his airtime was being restricted. Live on national TV.

The man, who hates Europe but has a French name and secured German passports for his kids, is lying through his teeth and knows it. Once a salesman, always a salesman, he will say anything to close a deal. Put simply, he is selling himself, and using Brexit as his overpriced and unreliable vehicle.

The man of the people, who rubs shoulders with the likes of Donald Trump and has a chauffeur-driven car, feels his influence is diminished. He will not be satisfied until a news crew follows him around 24 hours a day, with interviewers telling him how wonderful he is. His ego could fill Trump Tower, and his tongue could fill Trump’s backside.

The man, who is prone to crashing aeroplanes, cars and economies, works so hard that he wants to be an MP as well as an MEP. His definition of ‘work’ starts and finishes with his election. Draw your salary, insult your employer, and return to public acclaim. If he is eighth time lucky, don’t expect him to fight your corner in Parliament, either at home or in the EU. The only corner he fights is his own.

The man, who has his own radio chat show broadcast five times a week, feels his message is not getting across. His almost permanent Question Time seat, his work for US network Fox News, and regular appearances across the mass media, are insufficient to whet his appetite. Either he has a whole bag of chips on his shoulder, or else he is a truly cheap, shameless, two-bit media whore.

It’s all a load of hot airtime.

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Another EU REF IN THE BAG after May reaffirms her opposition to it, again

DOING ONE THING WHILE SAYING ANOTHER : Campaigners for another EU referendum were feeling buoyant today after prime minister Theresa May reaffirmed her opposition to one.

“You know if she keeps saying it won’t happen then it will,” said Mr Demos, who has been working tirelessly to get a confirmatory vote on the books, before any Brexit occurs, “if only she had repeated ad nauseam that ‘Go Home’ vans would be rolled out, then you know they would never have happened. It’s the things she doesn’t talk about that you need to watch, not the ones she does.”

The confirmation wasn’t direct, but nothing ever is with Theresa May, but came about after a spokesman insisted that she would not do it, not even to get Labour to put both feet into the flaming bag of shit called the WA with her, rather than just one as they currently have.

“She’ll do what she needs to to get her deal back to parliament for a fourth time,” Mr Demos was certain, “so it can be defeated for a fourth time. That will set it up for her to have a fifth go. Wait, how many votes has the public had on Brexit since May came back with her deal?”

The knack of stating definitely what will and will not happen on her watch, then doing the reverse, has become a standard feature of Ms May’s time in Downing Street.

“This is why the Tories are frothing at the mouth so hard over the leadership,” Mr Demos adds, “she keeps saying she’ll go soon, so you know that means she has bugger all intention of doing it. They’ll need to drag her out somehow or the EU will continue to be the largest trading bloc on Earth and we’ll never get the deal we need.”

You’ve had the local elections. The EU elections are coming up next week. Get ready for the confirmatory vote before or after the GE. The only risk to all that voting now is if May suddenly starts repeatedly daily that we will have the opportunity to vote.

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English towns establish premier league table for milkshaking fascists

PREMIER : All English regions have announced the establishment of a premier league table for milkshaking fascists today, neatly timed to takeover with the summer break in the football premier league.

Totnes, Devon, claimed top spot in the new sport today with a full head milkshaking of UKIP candidate Carl Benjamin, who was left completely drenched while attempting to perform his misogyny based stand up routine in the town.

https://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/video-news/ukips-carl-benjamin-milkshaked-during-totnes-visit-38106509.html

“Total facial is maximum points, ” explained Mr Cable Street, who was a prime mover behind the establishment of the league, “this put them at the top of the table with their first appearance.”

But another Devon fixture, Plymouth, got itself onto the board over the weekend too with the drenching in milk of an image of UKIP leader Gerald Batten, on the side of the bus, with the same bus receiving a parking ticket in extra time.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/ukip-bus-given-parking-fine-15241159

The latest sporting craze to grip England was kicked off last week though, when roaming fixture, Tommy ‘not my real name’ Robinson, was milkshaked twice, once in Bury and once in Warrington, as the northern teams looked to set the standard for their southern rivals.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/tommy-robinson-swings-punches-man-14985549

The BBC is under pressure to begin commentary on the fixtures with a dedicated digital radio channel, similar to Test Match Special, but are resisting, only adding to the worrying speculation that they quite like hard right wingers these days.

Why the hard right is proving so vulnerable to the milkshake formation is not entirely clear, but our sports analyst has an idea.

“It’s because they only play down the extreme right of the pitch,” our analyst says, “which leaves them wide open in the moderate right, centre, left of centre and all the way until you run into the revolutionary communists, who are also quite keen on Brexit, but not so keen on playing professionally, while they have players already on the pitch at Westminster.”

Further teams are expected to get onto the table over the next ten days as UKIP plays fixtures across the country in the build up to the EU elections. Why it’s been left to local towns to put up players against the hard right can be explained by a complete and total moral failure of both major teams at Westminster, too busy trying to seize the cup of lies, Brexit, from one another.

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Theresa May explains only method for getting her to leave Downing Street voluntarily

GROUND ZERO : Theresa May has surprised an exasperated nation today by explaining the only method she can think of for getting her to leave 10 Downing Street voluntarily.

”It’s the only pointer I can provide,” she told a deserted press conference this afternoon, “thirty or forty megatonnes ought to do it. But be sure to detonate the blast right on top of the old place.”

But critics have been quick to query the sincerity of the message, as the prime minister is known to spend her time permanently inside the bunker beneath her office.

”It’s a trap,” Sir Bottox-Foxshot-Hound, MP for Less-badgers, told LCD Views, “she’s trying to get us to blow ourselves up so she can continue to govern unopposed.”

But the skepticism in her own party wasn’t matched on the opposition benches.

A source close to the Labour leader commented favourably on the possibility of at least a small scale nuclear explosion as means of dragging May from Downing Street.

”I have a few antique Soviet weapons lying about the pad. I wouldn’t mind lending one for the job. It’s got to be worth a shot. We don’t seem to be getting there saying jobs first Brexit and triangulation of the electorate.”

Still, it’s unlikely to be tried until after the Conservatives are erased at the ballot box in the upcoming EU elections.

”She’d bloody survive it,” a member of the governing 1922 committee feared, “everyone else but here and Nigel Farage would be ashes and atoms, but she’d still be there working hard to fulfil his only policy objective. Which come to think of it, is exactly what we’re doing right now.”

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Let her LEAVE with the same DIGNITY she’s allowed others – Woman’s husband PLEADS

HEART IN A SEIVE : The husband of a woman who is under pressure to quit her high profile job (by the board) asap has spoken publicly today to request she be allowed to leave the post with dignity.

We have been fortunate enough to print the totally invented statement he released to the press, as part of the pitch for sympathy.

“For three years now as CEO, and for six years before that as VP for People, my wife has done her best to ensure any human working at UK plc was aware that they were judged primarily by the accident of their birth, and not the inherent worth of simply being a fellow human being,” the plea opened, “we all know the answer to the famous question, ‘If you cut me do I not bleed?’ is dependent on skin tone. And now, as her time at the top draws to an end, it is something of a shock to find her in such a hostile environment.”

The architects of the aforementioned hostile environment appear to be both the exec and non-exec board members, who are conspiring against the woman. And the dwindling number of aged shareholders still invested in the company.

“Too many nights now I find her sitting in leather trousers worth thousands of pounds, cradling some kitten heels, and staring bereft into the middle distance, unable to find a way forward that continues to do maximum harm to the customers of UK plc, while concentrating as much power as possible in her hands. It is a desperate situation. Where is the basic decency to afford another human self-respect and dignity at a time of vulnerability and strife? What has happened to this country?”

The plea for sympathy is liable to fall on deaf ears though.

“She is a citizen of nowhere now, politically, and that just feels so cruel,” the man added, “I hear even now there is talk of retrospective rule change to force her out of her home. What depth of heartlessness is needed to do that to someone?”

A question that simply answers itself.

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Billion Dollar Baby – film about Trump’s business acumen hits the small screens

GAMING IT : LCD Views is thrilled to announce the small screen blockbuster, ‘Billion Dollar Baby’, is to screen on millions of smart phones and tablets later this week.

The film centres on two periods in the life of Donald Trump. An intertwined narrative of the mega successful businessman’s turbulent years in the 1980’s and early 1990’s, losing money hand over fist with casinos, and now, as President, fighting like the heavyweight he is to keep his tax returns a secret.

”It takes real talent to lose money running casinos,” our film critic praises the man, and his work, “just imagine it? People walk in and throw money at you and you throw it away yourself even faster? That is fleet footwork.”

The Trump character’s catchphrase in the film is “Can you keep a secret?”, that’s the question.

And that’s the reason for the dual narrative. It took years for the decade of a billion dollars lost to be revealed, but what’s he keeping secret now?

”The contemporary story focuses on Trump and his right hand man, Mnuchin, and how they’re boxing smart today, hands in front of the face, bruised but unrelenting, hiding whatever the hell it is in the recent years tax returns that Trump just wants to go away.”

https://www.wired.com/story/internet-week-220/amp?__twitter_impression=true

We’re not going to print any spoilers, suffice to say, as with everything Trump, the small of lawbreaking and prison seems just a heartbeat away.

”Other people tend to go to jail, not the man himself,” our critic observed, “if he keeps dancing and tweeting, he may just get away.”

Can you keep a secret? The most pressing question, each and every day, for the Billion Dollar Baby.

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CORRECTION – GOD has taken German citizenship due to diesel, not because of Brexit

CORRECTION – GOD has taken German citizenship due to diesel, not because of Brexit.

We would like to say sorry. We have never had to before. Please be forgiving.

Here at LCD Views we take the accuracy of everything we invent incredibly seriously.

But yesterday a mistake happened.

No ifs, no cigarette butts, no water butts, no big butts, we got it badly wrong.

And we’re sorry.

When we published our article on God no longer being an Englishman we cited Brexit as the cause of his change of nationality.

This was incorrect.

And we’re sorry.

It was because of diesel that God decided, with a heavy heart, to renounce his English nationality and apply for a German passport.

We all know many instances over the last year when Brexit has been cited as the reason for a negative event.

In every case, research by Brexit supporting politicians and social media Brexit sock puppets have revealed diesel as the root cause.

God’s ensuring he keeps his passport burgundy, should Brexit occur, is no different.

We hope this lays to bed an issue entirely of our own make believing, that with more rigorous invention would not have occurred.

Some papers bury corrections on page forty. Not LCD Views.

We would like to wish God all the best in his new home, we hear the forests, and the autobahn, is great fun this time of year.

We’re sorry for any distress caused. We will strive to invent better facts in future, just like Brexiters.

Thank you.

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Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn negotiate one week job swap – find out why!

WORK EXPERIENCE : Exciting news today that Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have negotiated a one week job swap.

Under the terms of the arrangement, which are being hammered out at the moment by Starmer and Liddington, the LOTO and the PM will do each other’s jobs for six days, and rest on the seventh, before resuming their usual roles.

”It’s so Jeremy gets a chance to deliver Brexit,” a Labour source revealed, “and May gets to feel the worship of a proper, banging cult.”

How the swap will change the dynamics of parliament isn’t clear, as it will happen during the one week recess at the end of May.

”Jeremy didn’t want to be faced with making any actual decisions and neither did Theresa,” the source goes on, “but as neither are actually that interested in what parliament thinks, it won’t be problematic.”

There is a concern that the deal will accelerate capital flight out of the United Kingdom, but as both leaders are Brexiters, and as the Tories are now a party of ‘f*ck business’ too, most are sanguine about that especially impact.

”Jeremy will make sure the Islington North bus services are sorted out, that’s fod sure,” the source adds, “and he may even launch a land invasion of the Crimea as a cover so his advisor can met some friends face to face, before negotiating an orderly withdrawal.”

Expectations the week will see a revitalised NHS have been downplayed though, as both leaders are committed to ending FOM and so happy to shit all over the EU27 workers.

”The only real risk I perceive is May refusing to take her old job back,” the source adds, “as running a party that doesn’t completely hate your guts is going to be a giddy, one off experience.”