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Trump signs executive order to put his face on Mount Rushmore

Donald Trump’s ego has often been compared to a mountain, but his latest move has proven that to be true in a very literal sense, as he has just signed an executive order to have his face carved into Mount Rushmore.

The announcement was made last night. In his statement to the press he said:

“Look, it’s time we updated some of our national menthol – uh, menu – uh, tourist places to be more in tune with modern times. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, sure they were OK presidents back in the day but we’ve had better since then. Hey, you’ve got the bestest one of all right here right now, and it’s time we updated Mount Rushmore to reflect who’s the best president ever.”

When asked if he was planning to add his face from scratch or replace an existing president, he answered:

“Doing it from scratch would take too long, so we’re putting my face in place of Abe Lincoln’s. There’s a lot of good reasons for this, for starters he’s the one that I’m most like, and for another, someone tells me he was president before Roosevelt but comes after him on the cliff, and that’s just silly. So really putting my face over his would neaten the whole thing up so that the faces are in order.”

The fact about Lincoln being president before Roosevelt but depicted after him on the cliff may be the truest thing Trump has ever said, although even then he’s only using it to justify his own ego.

Rumours are unconfirmed that he plans to replace the other presidents’ faces with images of his own family, and even rename the monument Mount Trumpmore.

The original Mount Rushmore took fourteen years to sculpt. Given the complexities of the redesign, not to mention the legal issues, the resculpt may not be finished in Trump’s lifetime, making this project all set to be the biggest waste of time and money in the history of the world.

In another unconfirmed rumour, the engineers tasked with this project are apparently going to take their time in the initial design phase, and not authorise any physical sculpting on the cliff until Trump is absolutely 100% happy with the proposed likeness.

After all, nobody in their right mind really wants to ruin a national monument.

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Boris Johnson promises to make White Cliffs of Dover into British Mount Rushmore once PM

YOU’D HAVE TO BE STONED: [Potentially] the next prime minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, has hit the ground running in the Conservative Party leadership race, as he attempts to replace Theresa May as the lunatic running the Tory party open air asylum.

“He wants to chisel out his legacy at the start of his premiership,” a curvaceous blonde, claiming to be a Johnson campaign aide, told LCD Views, “most prime ministers make the mistake of waiting till they are near the end of their time to think about legacy. Boris is too smart for that. Look what happened to David Cameron? Danny Dyer has written his legacy, everyone now thinks of Cameron as the twat with his trotters up in a shepherd’s hut shed. Theresa May? OMFG.  Such a bonfire. Boris isn’t going to make the same rookie error.”

To avoid others writing his legacy it’s believed Mr Johnson is planning to carve out a symbolic statement that none will be able to ignore.

“The White Cliffs of Dover as so boring anyway,” the aide shrugged, “but once the many faces of Boris are chiselled into them, they will be an unmistakable picture of what happened to the UK in the 21st Century.”

In order to speed construction of the spectacle it’s thought Mr Johnson will declare a state of emergency once in Downing Street.

“Gove is right behind the idea,” the aide reveals, “Boris ran into him in a kitchen supply store while they were both shopping for leadership race tools in the knife section. They had a good chat about it. They really looked each other in the eyes, as neither was about to turn their back on the other. Boris said he would make Gove head of the project. Gove agreed readily, although he said maybe Rupert Murdoch should be on the cliff too? But they can settle that later. I don’t think Boris is going to go for that. He’s so many faces, you don’t need anyone else.”

It’s believed the money for the monumental exercise will come from the Brexit dividend.

“Don’t tell anyone, because I can’t vouch for this, but I heard he’s planning a windfall tax on the bank accounts of MPs and speculators who are cashing in on Brexit. He’ll give a symbolic pound to the NHS, and the rest will be spent constructing Mount Borismore at Dover.”

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Theresa May asks Northern Rail to sort out her departure timetable

Theresa May, Prime Minister for Exiting 10 Downing Street, has announced her intention to step down. Many complex factors are at play, so she has asked Northern Rail to organise a timetable.

“Who better than a railway company?” says chronology expert Minnie Tanned. “They have to be able to make very big metal things roll along metal tracks without bumping into anything, and other complicated shit.”

But why Northern, when other franchises manage to avoid train crashes most days?

“Northern has a reputation for being flexible,” replies Tanned. “They are proactive and only run a train when it feels right to do so. Their timetables are advisory only.”

This sounds a perfect fit for the PM in name only. “Let me be entirely clear about this,” she grated. “I will step down when my Brexit deal is approved by Parliament, or when it isn’t. This will certainly be before, during, or after the current Parliamentary session.”

The two seem a perfect fit. May’s departure has been announced to the expectant public many times, only for it to be cancelled at the last minute due to ‘technical reasons’. Just like a Northern train.

This cosy arrangement has landed Transport Secretary Chris Grayling in hot water again. Other train operators are demanding compensation from the government because Grayling forgot to consider other options.

“I’m not even sure what a train is,” clarified a harrassed-sounding Grayling over a crackly phone line. “Isn’t it part of a wedding dress? I will be able to elaborate when I reach the office, but I’m having trouble following my map. Oooh! There’s Bavaria! That’s a posh bit of London, isn’t it?”

It’s reassuring to know that the process is in safe hands.

It is widely believed that fascists, whatever their faults, make the trains run on time. Thankfully, Northern Rail has completely failed the Fascism Test, so Nazis won’t be taking over any time soon.

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Government says no risk using Huawei 5G tech as everyone can see through Brexit Britain anyway

OPEN BOOK : The Government has hit back today strongly against idiots who say using Huawei 5G hardware is a security risk.

“Everyone can see through Brexit Britain anyway?” Security Minister, Mr Leak, told LCD Views, because he left his phone turned on during a meeting with colleagues, “I don’t see what all the fuss is about? What are we hiding?”

Suspicions that the choice of Huawei for vital infrastructure is more aimed at the governing Conservative party currying favour with the Chinese government, after chopping down, chipping and setting fire to the magic money tree, were also rebutted.

“We already gave them a nuclear power plant job and shut down a renewable tidal scheme in Wales, to encourage the locals to get behind the next generation of nuclear? Why not our internet? Seriously. We aren’t going to get the best facial recognition software for social scoring our population, post Brexit, if we have to make it ourselves. Our xenophobic immigration policies are disincentivizing the next generation of nerds coming here and we can’t grow our own fast enough. Let’s just hope they treat us softly when they hack us. Glass half full time, what?”

But the refusal to change course is leading to confrontation with the USA.

“We can get them back on side by joining in whatever war Trump needs to start to shore up his base for the 2020 election game. Brush off the WMD playbook chaps! This is Global Britain.”

It’s not sure the kickback will be enough though to stop the complaints from so called experts, worried that using the Chinese firm will lead to less cooperation with allies on intelligence.

“What intelligence? Intelligence has nothing whatsoever with our decisions. And besides, given both major political parties are committed to Brexit, in spite of broad awareness that it’s an agenda riddled with foreign interference and illegality, no one is going to want to tell us secrets anyway.”

Global Britain Empire 2.0, we’ve nothing to hide, and everything to give away. Just maybe don’t talk about your dirty secrets when you are standing next to your smart fridge once we’ve gone 5G.

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EU offers to fund (new safe) confinement shelter over Westminster

TOXIC SHIELD : The EU has responded to reports that the Conservative Party is to spend the majority of the Article 50 extension period, granted the UK, by indulging in the rough self-pleasuring of a Tory leadership contest (that they won’t even joy).

“It’s clear that the United Kingdom is unable, or perhaps simply unwilling, to take sufficient measures to confine the toxicity resulting from the meltdown of the primary democratic reactor, following the decision to test a populist nuclear bomb on themselves in June 2016,” Donald Tusk said, looking just tired now, at a press conference in Brussels today,

“as a result of this the EU is prepared to fund a containment shelter over Westminster, on the same design as the New Safe Confinement shelter constructed over Chernobyl. This should sufficiently contain the fallout, so long as we shove Nigel Farage and several other prize tools inside before we weld the only door shut after construction.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chernobyl_New_Safe_Confinement

The design for the shield will have some modifications to the one used over Chernobyl, as it will also contain enough beds to accommodate both the surviving Conservative Party membership, UKIP’s surviving supporters and any unreformed Lexiters who still haven’t realised there’s a little bit different in the world today from the 1970’s.

“Who the people of the UK decide to place inside, with ration packs to last the terms of their natural lives, should perhaps be decided by public vote, but we will leave that for the people to decide.”

How the UK will be governed once the Palace of Westminster is sealed in perpetuity has also been considered.

“A lot better I suspect,” Tusk smiled, “we will be sure to keep the MPs who have stood against the lies and populism on the outside. They can be re-homed in a new parliament in the north of England. This can be the seed of democratic renewal.”

But what if the UK government refuses to cooperate?

“What government? Seriously. You have no functioning government. Any opposition will easily be overcome by the EU’s new army, which has only been put together to crush the United Kingdom, just ask any supporter of the Brexit Party.”

Construction of the NSC is expected to begin in the summer, just as soon as the Tories begin rending themselves to shreds and Labour falls asleep on its fencepost waiting for everyone else to break all the eggs for them.

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Boris Johnson bids to become last prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

Boris Johnson, the world’s greatest statesman, according to Boris Johnson, has made his move. Typically understated, he intends to be the final leader of a once great country.

Past Her Prime Minister, Theresa May, has promised to step down at some nebulous point in the future. Boris hopes to step into her kitten heels as leader of the Conservative Unionist National Tory party.

“Successor means success!” exclaimed Johnson, dangling triumphantly in mid-air and waving flags. “Somebody told me Theresa would go down in history as the worst PM ever. I said, hold my beer!”

You also stated that you intend to be the last PM of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

“Well, flibber my gibbets!” chuckled Johnson. “So I did! Boris means Brexit, and I will deliver it. By courier if necessary!”

Meaning?

“Meaning that if – no, when – Brexit happens, my glory will be everlasting. The Empire will flock back to the mother country. It won’t be Great Britain, I will be the first Emperor of Global Britain!”

Boris the first does have a ring to it.

“Boris the Great!” corrected Johnson. “Boris the Mighty. Boris the Animal!”

Peeking under under the Emperor’s New clothes to see Boris’ naked ambition, is commentator Piers Closely.

“Boris Johnson sucks!” claims Closely, acronymically. “All that knob wants, apart from a steady supply of curvaceous blondes, is power. He wants to out-Trump Trump. That’s a lot of hot air!”

Will it happen, though?

“Not in a million years!” replied Closely. “If Boris realises his ambition, then Scotland will finally lose its patience and split away. Wales will surely follow, and Northern Ireland will grit its teeth and unite with Eire.”

And stay in the EU, no doubt.

“It will be the end of a union, just not the one Boris hoped for,” concluded Closely. “Then Wessex, Cornwall and Yorkshire will declare independence, and Boris will end up as Prince of Nowhere Very Much.”

King of Little Britain? Yeah. But no. But yeah. But no.

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Voynich manuscript decoded to reveal Brexit dividend

The Voynich manuscript has been a source of mystery for over half a millennium, being seemingly untranslatable. Every so often some academic will come up with a new theory, but now it seems we finally have the answer, and it’s been staring us in the face all along.

Professor Lynn Gwist of Oxford University was quick to explain:

“It’s actually a detailed manifesto listing all the benefits of the UK leaving the European Union,” she said. “All the pictures are a clear guide to Brexit and why it says we should have it.”

Professor Gwist went on to explain that the flower symbols are there to represent everything coming up roses, and the image of nude ladies bathing meant free hot tubs for all.

Her research has been called into question by many eminent scholars however, with Professor Ivan Tancers being particularly vocal in his criticism.

“Her theory makes no explanation of the wording and what language it’s in,” he explained. “If you read a book and just follow the pictures and not the words, you don’t get the whole story by a long way, and this manuscript is no different.”

Professor Gwist acknowledged her colleague’s scepticism however, and admitted:

“I got to the wording later on,” she said, “and it does put a different complexion on matters, the wording translates in detail to all the businesses that have left the UK, and all the escalation in hate-crimes that has happened since the vote. It’s really a very clever prediction of the whole debate really. The words are designed for the clever people to understand, and that’s the pro-remain case. The pictures make up the pro-leave argument and are aimed at those people with less education. Given that the breakdown of space allocated to words and pictures is about fifty-fifty, this works quite nicely.”

Professor Gwist will be publishing a paper about this theory on October 31st. How valid it actually is has yet to be confirmed, one way or the other.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voynich_manuscript

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MOD Study reveals Chris Grayling and cockroaches would survive a nuclear war on assumption Chris Grayling will have caused it

GROUND ZERO: A NEW MOD STUDY has revealed that both Chris Grayling MP and cockroaches would survive a nuclear war, and not even the detonation of the Earth’s complete nuclear arsenal would be enough to remove him from government.

“We started on the premise that Chris Grayling was made Secretary of State for Defence,” an MOD spokesman revealed, “in the likely scenario that Penny Mordaunt has a diving contest to attend and an emergency replacement is required. Additionally, all other ministers will have deserted Theresa May’s government after the 7th attempt to pass her Brexit deal. It was pretty straightforward from there. Within hours he had accidentally launched missiles at a nuclear armed foreign power while attempting to change his MOD email password.”

While it’s no surprise that he continues to enjoy the perks of ministerial office, in spite of destroying every brief he touches.

“He’s exceptionally good at moving taxpayer money into the pockets of private companies,” the spokesman noted, “this is why he is still in post. He is actually a high achiever in terms of modern Conservative aims. The outcomes aren’t important. How much you get out of the public purse for private interests is.”

But it’s not clear what the cockroaches would think, should they find themselves finally rulers of all they surveyed, freed from having to hide and scurry about, only to discover the same applied for Chris Grayling.

“I suspect the cockroaches will be smart enough to work it out,” the spokesman mused, “they’d probably privatise Chris Grayling himself, put him in charge of the operation himself and wait for his complete destruction.”

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“Pass my Brexit deal and by this time next year we’ll all be millionaires!” May tells MPs

WHAT’LL TAKE: “Pass my Brexit deal and by this time next year we’ll all be millionaires!” May is to tell MPs, as she bids to drag her dead pet Brexit deal out of the cemetery and back to the Commons for a fourth time.

The deal, rebranded yesterday by a pliant Brexit Secretary and compliant BBC, as ‘the Barnier deal’, is expected to be dragged with a chain around its ankle out of the musty Westminster soil and back into the lower house in June.

”Theresa doesn’t take no for an answer,” a Downing Street insider revealed, “although she quite likes to say no, especially to asylum seekers and people who came here legally, but are now being tormented by retrospective immigration law changes, designed to make Britain grate again.”

Why the rebranding is a question?

”It has to be done ahead of the next failure. Continuing to call it the ‘May Deal’ is a political risk for the prime minister. She wasn’t damaged by the first trio of fails, but a fourth or fifth? A sixth or seventh? That might dent her reputation as strong and stable.”

So it’s Barnier’s fault?

”Yes. He should never have set down those red lines in the Lancaster House speech. Reckless and short sighted of him. Seriously, you’d think the EU, with its reputation for negotiating, would have picked someone prepared to think ahead.”

Presumably May can tell MPs that it’s the EU’s fault too?

“Yes. When she’s not busy telling everyone it’s her own MPs fault that Brexit hasn’t been delivered. Which it is of course, something future generations may well thank them for. Which is a nice twist for frothing mouthed ideologues, to actually do something useful, even if it’s by accident.”

But how will May’s latest argument go over with the lower house?

“Hard to say, so many of the MPs are millionaires already, it’s not exactly an incentive.”

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I have the skills needed to deliver Brexit, says Jeremy Kyle

Daytime TV’s chav baiter Jeremy Kyle suddenly has a lot of time on his hands. He has offered his services to the government, believing he has the ability to sort Brexit out.

Jeremy Kyle is just the latest in a long line of Jeremys desperate to fix broken Britain. Corbyn, Hunt, Paxman, Clarkson and now Kyle.

Kyle’s recently cancelled show displays the hallmark of his approach, he says. The show’s format is the blueprint for future negotiation strategy. Car crash TV means car crash politics.

“It’s simple,” explains Kyle to LCD’s Infotainment correspondent. “Put the two sides together in front of a half-cut audience, let them shout for a bit then straight to the polygraph. Pronounce judgement and sling them out. Job done!”

But will this work on tough nuts like the May and Barnier families?

“Naturally,” replied Kyle. “This is exactly how it will be. The show, I mean the negotiation, will be called ‘You stole my democracy!’. May will screech about betrayal and will of the people, and Barnier will deny everything, and sit there impassively. May will go for a lie detector test and we will go for a short break.”

So. A cup of tea and a biscuit, and back to the negotiating table.

“Before the results of the lie detector test, there will be a little segment on another theme,” said Kyle. “For example, ‘Donald Trump: demon or dunce?’. Then the results come in. Probably they will all be lying through their expensive teeth, so I will give them a blistering homily on the importance of good manners and send them all packing. Sorted.”

And nobody will die this time?

“Only their dreams and fantasies,” said Kyle. “Truth and delusion, that’s what drives my show, I mean negotiations.”

The Jeremy Kyle Brexit will be transmitted every bloody day until somebody has the guts to behave like a grown-up.