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Fleeing from war does not merit enough points for a UK visa, says Priti Patel

WHAT IS THE POINT: The UK has taken back control of its borders. Even the one across Ireland. They did this by copying and pasting a points based system developed by unelected bureaucrats on the opposite side of the globe. 

This means you can only get into the UK if certain conditions are met. It’s like collecting Nectar points in order to buy a Rolls-Royce. 

It’s the ultimate loyalty card scheme. You earn points by purchasing British goods, by waving British Union Jacks, by disseminating gushing support of Boris Johnson indiscriminately across all social media platforms. Once you have accumulated enough points (this can take several lifetimes), then you are entitled to join the Visa Lottery. If you win this – at the incredibly favourable odds of 14,000,000-1 against, then you may apply for a Blue British Passport. 

Of course, in practice it’s simpler just to bung the Prime Minister £3m and be done with it. 

But other circumstances may also qualify. Fleeing from Ukraine, as Russian bombs rain down and Russian tanks flatten your home, will also mean that you may accrue points. Points mean prizes, and one lucky refugee will be selected at random to be turned back at Calais instead of at Paris like everybody else. 

Otherwise, hard cheese, old thing. This is only fair, claims Go Home Secretary Priti Patel. Just because your homeland is being flattened by a hostile power which, coincidentally, also sponsors the Conservative Party, does not give you the right to jump the queue. “Let me be entirely clear with what I’m sayin’,” Patel said. “Fleein’ from war is, ultimately, your personal responsibility, and does not attract anythin’ near the fifteenty hundred and seventy twelve points needed to apply for a British visa. We basically don’t want none of you Baltic johnnies over here!” 

It’s little wonder that most refugees choose the small boats across the Channel option instead. 

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Boris Johnson to prove his mettle on the world stage by telling the old Russian underpants joke

WHY SHOULDN’T YOU BUY RUSSIAN UNDERPANTS: As the Ukraine crisis intensifies, one man is at least trying to lighten the mood. Russian-sponsored comedy Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going full international statesman and cracking ancient Dad jokes. 

As the Russian invasion force reaches the site of the notorious Chernobyl nuclear disaster, the old joke has gained new traction. The unfortunate troops may end up being hung out to dry. 

But it is Johnson who can afford to see the funny side, safe in his secret bunker paid for by generous Russian donors. “A dad joke a day keeps invaders at bay,” is his new personal motto. 

This is according to a rather more unreliable Downing Street source than usual, Carrie Johnson. Carrie, herself undertaking a sponsored pregnancy drive on behalf of the Conservative Friends of Russia, volunteered to fulfil the position of Official Spokesman. The previous incumbent resigned after failing to realise that televised lies count more than private ones. 

“Boris Stanleyvitch has been told – I mean, has decided, to raise the spirits!” she told assembled hacks, desperate for a scoop. “He is working his way through a crate of spiffing spaffing vodka right now! Why so serious? Russia will win – hooray! Let’s be cheerful. Always look on the bright side of life!” 

Quite appropriate for a crucified man being hung out to dry. 

“No? Not a titter? Not so much as a smile? Well I almost wet myself laughing when I heard it the first time,” Carrie continued. “Those poor peasants in fatigues, just think about them! Ha ha! Fall out? More likely to fall off, I should think!” 

The fall out from that comment was that every man present subconsciously crossed his legs. At least they were spared the same fate. But just in case, you should never buy Russian underpants. 

Because Chernobyl fall out. 

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Boris Johnson to impose sanctions on every Russian bank which has omitted to fund the Conservative Party

PUT YOUR MOUTH WHERE YOUR MONEY IS: Putin is about to invade Ukraine. So the great statesman, Boris Johnson, is getting a bit cross, and is sanctioning all the Russian banks. Well, the ones that stupidly didn’t bribe him not to. 

As a result, five insignificant Russian rouble counters, and three Russian billionaires with a conscience, will suffer the bluster and disapproval of a former great ally which has decided to enfeeble itself in the name of sovereignty. Early reports suggest that they are deeply, profoundly unconcerned. 

The rest of the bribey Russians have been told, secretly, to get their precious funds somewhere safe and neutral. Many are now masquerading as Nigerian princes. In this matter, they will be advised, indeed led, by British experts in money hoarding like the redoubtable Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

In a time of international crisis, the most important thing is to protect the Conservative Party. The thread of over-privileged underworked English entitlement that holds the country together will not be unravelled by a tin-pot Trumped-up dictator behaving badly half way around the globe. 

Boris Johnson, whose talk is as big as his effectiveness is low, is running scared. “I am the, erm, yes, no, well, wiff waff, right, left, erm, right man for the job,” he declared in the House. “What has Labour ever done, except whinge on and on, because I’ve got a Russian name? Keir isn’t English, it’s Scottish, he’s a tartan traitor!” Johnson’s job, of course, is to conceal the outrageous Russian influence over British foreign policy. 

Rumour has it that Johnson is not taking a harder line because Carrie won’t let him. It’s as if her future depends upon being able to manipulate Johnson into the weakest possible position, so that she can continue to be the conduit for Putin’s Prime Ministerial puppetry. 

And the London Laundromat must keep on churning to stop the whole sordid tale from emerging. 

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BREAKING : PM to lift all pandemic restrictions so he can stop breaking them

PARTY LIKE IT’S 2020 : The British Prime Minister has announced that all pandemic restrictions in the UK are to end in what is seen as a “watershed moment” in UK law and order.

The decision to end the last vestiges of control over the potentially fatal virus comes after only a 170,000 people have died in the UK thanks to the “ramped up” governance of Mr Johnson and his Conservatives over the last couple of years. While many, many, many more lives could have been saved with a competent and concerned executive instead of a “tumbling haystack of shite”, it’s expected that everyone will forget about yesterday immediately and focus instead on how wonderful tomorrow will be.

“Our donors are fed up with opening new bank accounts too to stuff PPE cash into,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The burden of having to work out what to do with so many windfalls is not well understood by the man on the street. Just how many Georgian manors can you buy?”

Although what has happened to public money will also hopefully simply be forgotten as the Chancellor has already written off billions lost to fraud.

“Just don’t forget to pay that parking fine or you’re for it! Ha!” the source advises.

But the major benefactor of the end of restrictions will be Mr Johnson and his close inner circle.

“It’s seen as the only real way out of an endless catalogue of alleged lawbreaking by 10 Downing Street is to have no laws to break,” the source adds. “With the lifting of all restrictions we can finally sweep the past into the long grass and get on with the job of levelling up the country with some other avoidable calamity to conceal the acid of Brexit.”

It’s believed that the coming weekend in Downing Street will be “epic”.

“We are going to party like it’s 2020!” the source enthuses. “And there’s nothing anyone can do about it because their professional lives depend on not doing anything about it.”

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PM “distraught” after news Sue Gray Partygate report was being stored under O2 Arena’s roof

SAFE KEEPING NEVER GOT SAFER : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a “disordered” and “panicked” state this morning, just like every other morning, after Storm Eunice ploughed through the United Kingdom leaving a path of devastation in its wake unrivalled by all but Mr Johnson’s daily attempts at governance.

But even as the clean up begins there are troubling reports for the Prime Minister. First and foremost it appears the storm was unable to clear the backlog of lorries winding out of Dover and clogging up the arteries and veins of the UK’s trade network.

“We had expected the winds to at least take a few trucks out of the queue,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But no. Which is just bloody typical, given it has EU in its name. We didn’t want to be part of the storm anyway just because of the name. And here we are? What exactly were the benefits of being involved in such an international event if it doesn’t blow away pissed off truckers?”

And there’s even worse news with the breaking story that the damage to the O2 Arena’s roof has had unintended consequences.

“It’s a crying shame,” the spokesman agrees. “All the copies of the Sue Gray report, and the little USB sticks the backups were stored on, were being stored for safekeeping under the O2 Arena’s roof. They’re all gone. Blown into the Thames and the alleyways of Greenwich. We advise anyone finding sheets of paper covered in damning evidence of the 10 Downing Street lockdown rule breaking to walk on by. Just keep going. To hold them in the light of day could be incredibly toxic. Especially for the Prime Minister.”

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Boris Johnson pledges to stay on as PM because “he can’t fail upwards any further”

REALLY DENSE CEILING : The United Kingdom’s highest profile underachiever, and also its Prime Minister, Boris de Waffle Johnson, has put paid to ramped up speculation that he and his latest wife will soon be moving out of the famous old address in the centre of London, before the marriage concludes in the same way as all of his other ones.

Speaking at the launch of his Chancellor’s newest montage of lockdown rule breaking party photos the Prime Minister got his big gnashers into the hot question on everyone’s lips, of whether or not he’ll soon just fuck off and leave us to start cleaning up his massive mess?

“To where?” he asked, displaying an incisive mind undimmed by the rigours of office. “I’m already playing the part of the ageing hero who takes a princess as wife to recharge the old batteries. What else is there for me to do? If you can think of somewhere I could go then let me know. I am fresh out of ideas. I’ve spent my entire career failing upwards and it seems I’ve hit the ceiling. I’ll have to stay on as PM unless a way can be found to get me into the line of succession to the throne. I’d be absolutely chuffed to fail as King.”

The suggestion that he could leave 10 Downing Street to someone who both “gives two shits” and is capable of producing “one or both of them” will though put sudden and unexpected pressure on the Palace.

“The Queen is just waiting him out,” an unconfirmed Palace spokesman told LCD Views. “Those fortnightly meetings are appalling. If shoving Charles back a step means Johnson might leave 10 Downing Street then it’s worth looking into. Wouldn’t you say? But only if she doesn’t have to adopt him.”

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Jacob Rees-Mogg to be Minister for Waiting for 50 Years for Brexit Benefits

ALL THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT: Fifty years is not a long time. Ask the dinosaurs. They are really feeling the benefits of that asteroid now.

The dinosaurs in Downing Street have little of this subtlety. Parliament’s little joke on itself, Jacob Rees-Mogg, naturally assumes that the rest of the world remembers the Regency Period like he does. Another mere fifty years means nothing to members of the Undead.

Rees-Mogg is already in charge of governmental periwigs and blunderbusses. His new role will sit nicely alongside his current job as Witchfinder-General and Chief Enabler Of Governmental Efficient Embezzlement.

It’s a responsibility which Rees-Mogg will be able to discharge without lifting a finger. For this, he will be richly rewarded. This is how life is, huge benefits for doing precisely sod all. There is a nice rule of inverse accountability happening here. The less you actually contribute, the more you earn, and vice versa. This applies equally to the lower orders, who must work their fingers to the bone simply in order to be permitted to survive. Meanwhile, Rees-Mogg pockets your meagre wages on your behalf.

Rees-Mogg once claimed that it would take fifty years for the Brexit Benefits to become apparent. However, he is now a living contradiction since his new role is the first genuine Brexit Benefit to become apparent.

Oddly enough, the Clandestine Brexit Opportunities Commander job, advertised so long ago has still not been filled. Maybe only one so thoroughly steeped in hypocrisy and doublespeak as Rees-Mogg could actually survive in the job without exploding under the strain of the paradox.

Fifty years is no time. An enterprising individual could be born, schooled, married, have a career, have children, and be three quarters of the way to a peaceful retirement in that time. Think of Brexit as the birth, and your pension as the benefits.

So long as the Tory government hasn’t raided your pension fund while you were getting on with life.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson to spend his time left in office focusing on his “legacy”

SINKING SHITS : WORLD BEATING UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is said to have gotten his political affairs in order and to be focused on making the best of his time left in 10 Downing Street.

While press reports declare the UK’s worst Prime Minister since the last one, Theresa May, is in a bullish and confrontational mood, Downing Street insiders report a more mature appreciation of his political fate.

“All political careers end in failure,” a recently departed 10 Downing Street staffer told LCD Views. “And some failures are bigger than others. Take ‘the Boss’ as an example. He’s failed the entire country.”

But personal failure is no obstacle to Boris Johnson and he is incapable of recognising it. Which explains his hitherto success.

“He’s now going to focus on his legacy,” the staffer remarks. “What is he leaving behind? Clearly the gold wallpaper, but what of his works?”

What of his works indeed as the United Kingdom enters a period of splendid isolation not rivalled since the early 1900’s and living costs become unsustainable for all but the inheritance millionaires who appear to believe that looting the country is what governance is all about.

“Just how big a bin fire can one man leave behind?” the staffer wonders. “With Boris Johnson we’ve the right man at the right time to find out. I would expect it to be visible from space. Actually, it already is if you are orbiting over the Dover lorry queues.”

Some Prime Ministers attempt to govern in the public interest, but Mr Johnson has proven himself to be something entirely different to most.

“He’s going to adopt a scorched earth policy as his legacy,” the staffer says. “He will take the entire Conservative Party down with him if he gets it right. But that’s dependent on how long they let him drag out the longest political death in British history.”

But if he can get it right he’ll at least leave behind a legacy many will celebrate as they stand in the food and fuel ration lines.

“After all, leave means leave. It’s just that Mr Johnson is a little hard of hearing. Let’s hope he’s physically dragged out.”

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