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Wearing a suit protects you from omicron, says Dominic Raab

DRESS TO IMPRESS: The latest overpromoted empty vessel in government has demonstrated exactly why the country is in a mess. This time it’s Dim Dom Raab confidently confirming his dimness. 

Raab is well known for his great suitability for being kept away from power and a public voice. It’s handy to remember some of his proudest moments. His mathematical skill, which makes Diane Abbott and even Priti Patel look numerate. His brilliantly tenuous grasp of geography. His brave stance against misogyny towards men. And who could forget the time he claimed that the sea was closed? 

Raab is now chancing his arm at the tricky business of virology. Amid the rows about overpriced dodgy PPE bought by generously funded well-connected Tory mates, and now revelations of industrial scale rule breaking by government departments, Raab has skilfully conflated the two. Wearing a suit, he claims, is the most effective way to deflect a virus. 

In conjunction with self medicational quantities of cheese and wine, the suit can give almost 100% protection. 

“The virus respects smart business dress,” stuttered Raab, sweating like Boris Johnson confronted by an angry and heavily pregnant bit of skirt. “It respects power and authority. This is my takeaway from the latest SAGE report, at least the bits that I could read.” 

There was a pause, as he looked in vain for an escape route. Like a Raabit in the headlights. 

“Err… err…. Levelling up, rolling out, hands space save face, world beating…. Vaccines! Get yourself triple, or even double jabbed! That’s it! Now I remember! And always wear a suit! I recommend a Windsor knot in your tie, the virus won’t go near you if it thinks you are royalty.”

It’s worth reminding ourselves that Dominic Raab was once regarded as a serious Tory leadership candidate. It’s also worth noting that he is most definitely overqualified, given the current incumbent. 

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We can beat omicron by crossing our fingers and hoping, says Boris Johnson

SAY YOUR PRAYERS, SUCKERS: Faith healing is nothing new. But it has now become the UK’s favoured medical response. 

In recent days this new policy has become all too clear. Traditional science-based medicine has been supplanted by a more sophisticated system. 

This doctrine says that democratic principles beat education every time. In short, winning an election trumps expertise. 

Boris Johnson has embedded this principle in the government’s response to the omicron variant. This was clear from his latest scruffy haired piece to camera. 

“The only way to beat the omicron variant is to cross your fingers, close your eyes, make a wish, and hope like hell,” he said, amid an avalanche of meaningless waffle. “I’m Prime Minister, which means I know best. I was elected, you know, which means that the science must follow me!” 

Government scientific advisor Tess Tubes explained further. “Advisors advise, ministers know better,” she elaborated. “Being elected brings many privileges. Our latest research, mostly on ministers’ social media feeds and WhatsApp groups, reveals that election creates immunity, and this immunity covers not only prosecution and responsibility, but infection too. The Daily Express is running a front page splash on this tomorrow, which we will use to justify our decisions retrospectively, and gain immunity from the police too.”

Years upon years of knowledge have been updated. It seems that grubby kids in the school playground were on the right scent all along. 

“The Prime Minister has declared that it’s impossible to catch covid when you’ve got croggsies!” shrilled Tubes. “You know, fingers crossed so that whoever’s On can’t tig you! The virus works exactly the same!” 

Belief and faith have beaten science at long last. 

“Why do you cross yourself when you go to church?” demanded Tubes. “So the virus can’t get you! Simples! It’s how the church survived the Plague! If you die of covid it’s your own fault for not Believing In Boris enough!” 

Hands together, eyes closed. Don’t forget to blow your nose… ooops… 

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Boris Johnson to open new stationery shop

LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE: To celebrate the new Downing Street Directive on Holding Business Meetings, Boris Johnson has decided to open a stationery shop. This shop will stock every item that an everyday Downing Street business meeting needs.

Every meeting has several requirements. For example: laptops, in this case resembling personal trays to hold your nibbles and your glass, and to stop Carrie pinching your vol-au-vents.

Every meeting requires a Chair, so the shop will stock fancy chairs for all participants. 

Paper comes in every colour imaginable. Each piece comes ready-printed and attached to a complementary bottle of wine. Reams of paper are available (or “wineboxes” as they are known in the trade). Once your ream is exhausted, you may use the box to create your very own painted bus. Each one should bear its very own implausible slogan, and the shop will display the finest examples.

The shop supplies wooden presentation boards. These are used to present reports and facilitate discussion. The fact that these boards bear many varieties of excellent cheese is merely a detail. Clients such as those likely to shop at Boris’s expect little luxuries.

The shop will supply containers for all its goods. Otherwise, little things like peanuts, crisps, sausage rolls and the like, tend to make a mess on your desk.

Post-it notes will come in the traditional golden colour. They will be produced in many flavours, including Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar, and Privilege & Entitlement.

Pre-printed agendas will be produced. These will include items such as “1. Opening remarks: I declare this bottle of Chablis open!”, “3. Restrictions: Nobody is allowed to eat all the Brie (That means YOU, Classic Dom!)”, and “8. AOB: Any Other Bottles?”.

Of course, every meeting must have a secretary present. The job of this person is to swear everyone to secrecy.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson calls emergency cheese and wine tasting as Omicron cases soar

DO WHAT YOU DO BEST : JOKE PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is not one to let adverse circumstances get him down, especially when he is the one responsible for the majority of the adversity. Britons can take confidence in knowing that PM’s schedule remains largely unchanged, except for the occasional hard right turn.

While the weak and unpatriotic fail to show sufficient faith in Great Britain Mr Johnson continues to charge ahead of the crowd leading the way to the end. In keeping with this unbreakable faith in himself he is to chair an emergency meeting today to decide what to do about the viral shitshow megastorm that has come from nowhere to overwhelm the UK, once again.

“He’s gathering all the best minds together to see their faces light up in grins as he raconteurs the pandemic into retreat with half remembered, irrelevant classical references, mixed in with some off colour humour,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “The virus won’t know what’s hitting it when it hears Xenophon twinned with a gag about the pork industry.”

But there will also be a sense of levity in the emergency meeting so no one gets too worried about the potential of thousands of people dying a day in a completely avoidable way.

“Let’s be clear this is not a COBR meeting,” the source advises. “Those are full of boring girly swots. This is just the best pretend friends the PM still has enjoying a cheese and wine tasting of exceptional quality at public expense. You see how far the virus gets when it realises the PM is just going to ignore again until it’s too late.”

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Mark Francois to “step back” from front line politics to prepare leadership challenge

THE FESTERING SEASON : Global Britain’s most powerful political brain is to take a “step back” from front line politics to focus on his Tory Party leadership challenge.

Speculation has been building for some time over who will replace failed Prime Minister Boris Johnson, with most commentators proving themselves not up to the task of forecasting.

Highly paid MSM buffoons have pinned Brexit Superwoman Liz Truss as the likely successor, but what do they know?

“It’s clear Britain is crying out for a Spartan to lead the country after Boris Johnson delivered a botched Brexit which allowed the EU to continue existing,” a source close to the Mark “rehabilitated after hiding for months for a mysterious reason” Francois told LCD Views.

How the smallest man in Parliament is still in Parliament is a problem for future generations to solve, what is important now is when Mr Francois strikes the killing blow.

“It’s likely Mark will make his move after finishing a box set of ‘Dad’s Army’ on Boxing Day,” the source advises. “Boris Johnson will not see it coming. He will be hiding behind his desk watching the door for Raab, Truss or Patel to storm in when he will see nothing but the door being pushed ajar. Mr Francois’ tiny stature means he will walk in under the PM’s eye line.”

It’s not yet known who Mr Francois will choose to serve in his first cabinet, but allies are hopeful he will pick a range of British grown potatoes and turnips, so he doesn’t feel intellectually overshadowed.

“The EU doesn’t know what is coming down the line. It’s the fist of fury with Elgar playing and it’s holding a stick of willow covered in red cherries. Mark once spent a weekend in the Territorials cleaning lavatories with a toothbrush after being wedgied. Every moment of Mark’s life has been building to this one turning point in history. He will restore the pride Mr Johnson has squandered in the famous British sense of humour.”

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Favourite to succeed Lord Frost as Brexit Secretary ruled out after passing IQ test

ANYONE SMART ENOUGH TO DO BREXIT WOULDN’T : BAD NEWS for 10 Downing Street after an otherwise excellent week. Shortly before midday news leaked that the Prime Minister’s favourite to replace Lord Frost as Brexit Secretary had been ruled out.

The decision to bin No 1 on the “Most Wanted” list of candidates was made after a catastrophic failure in the vetting process. It had been assumed that the candidate, who is certainly smart enough to be a Tory MP in Boris Johnson’s Britain, and definitely “cabinet grade” was a dead cert. Even though they are definitely dead and lacking a central nervous system or the ability to imagine the inner lives of people their decisions harm.

“The boss is gutted,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He assumed that employing his pick for the job of Brexit Secretary was a mere formality. He was continuing the tradition of individuals chosen for the post since the first Brexit Secretary, David Davis. Now he has to start all over again. It’s going to need some serious drinking to choose the next candidate.”

Questions over what could possibly have ruled out the candidate who is said to contain “no discernible moral compass and a total disregard for the Northern Irish peace process” have been flying around the Westminster village, but LCD Views has the scoop.

“They asked the candidate to sit an IQ test,” our chief Downing Street correspondent can reveal. “This was just a PR exercise in order to impress Brussels. But it’s backfired spectacularly after the 500gms of minced meat passed the test with flying colours. This is not exactly a shock as the test was designed specifically so anyone willing to take the job of Brexit Secretary could pass it. It seems they need to dumb it down further, or raise the bar higher, no one is sure because they’re too thick to work it out. But a packet of minced meat is too smart for the job, of that we can be certain.”

Responding to the reports David Davis’ office issued a statement saying that the image chosen to accompany this article is not a portrait of himself. Shortly after Dominic Raab, Steve Barclay and Lord Frost communicated identical statements to clarify the situation.

“It looks too smart to be any of us anyway,” one of them added.

All is not lost however. The Prime Minister’s office has already completed the process of giving the meat a peerage and Lord Meat of Mince will join the other amazing individuals that Mr Johnson has placed in the Lords. His contributions to the debates in the Upper House are expected to exceed in worth all of the others combined.

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Prevention is better than cure, says man selling LFTs

HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL: Egg-headed Health Secretary Sajid Javid is preaching to the unvaccinated again. Get jabbed, is his message, unless you don’t feel like it, in which case I have some Lateral Flow Tests to sell you.

In a statement which demonstrates his remarkable humanity, The Saj applauds those who do not accept vaccination. This, he says, shows an extraordinary selflessness, by leaving more vaccinations available for the feeble minded sheeple who insist on having them.

Prevention may be better than cure, but the corollary of that is that prevention is a lot less profitable. Nobody got rich by closing borders and giving away LFTs. Infect the public, create a market. That’s the mantra. Remember, Granny died in order to stimulate the economy. It’s a noble sacrifice, on a par with all those innocent young men who perished in the trenches for Britain.

Then, as now, we are being ruled by the finest specimens that the Upper Classes and the Public School system can produce. It’s the Charge Of The Light Brigade, only with viruses, not cannonballs. Dulce et decorum est, pro Boris Johnson mori.

However, there is a small problem with reducing the population to zero. There would be nobody to buy these totally reliable LFTs. And with a success rate of 52%, that’s absolutely overwhelming, and nothing at all like tossing a coin.

Remember, says The Saj, although prevention may be better than cure, it’s far too late for that now. All that is left is the profit motive, and a reminder that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Take that, long covid! Old wives’ tales beat facts hands down any day.

After all, if you are not actually dead, then there is no reason to skive off work or claim Universal Credit. All you need is one negative LFT and you’re good to go.

And we all know what happened to Humpty Dumpty.

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Government to assume powers to correct any mistakes made by democracy

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR LAWS: The government is to award itself special powers to amend any democratic acts that it believes should be overturned. These powers, we are assured, will only be used in times of national emergency.

Quite what constitutes a ‘national emergency’ was only very loosely defined in the draft white paper circulated by purveyors of satirical content. But the obvious takeaway is that the government now regards ‘democracy’ as agreeing with its own stated position.

By contrast, any dissent will be regarded as undemocratic. Great strides have already been made in this direction by the government’s very own bulldog, Priti Patel. Protesting, being poor, and having a Woke attitude are already in her sights. As is the right of the government to override any laws which they don’t like.

The prevailing attitude is summed up by the aptly named Joy Morrissey. “What do judges know anyway?” she fumed. “Were they ELECTED? No! So they can stick their UNELECTED noses out of our business!”

But Patel goes even further. Following the debacle in North Staffordshire, she now wants the right to overturn election results.

Obviously, The People no longer know what they are voting for, or they would have voted for Boris in their droves. After all, they voted once, in 2019, and gave Johnson an overwhelming mandate of 60% of the seats on only 40% of the votes. There is no need to ask them again.

Democracy Got Done. Like Brexit. Like the British people. Anyone even suspected of voting Lib Dem will be rounded up and sent back to wherever they came from. And for any smart alecks who say they come from Birmingham, well there’s a Birmingham on Ascension Island waiting for them.

So the business of running the country down may proceed uninterrupted by any threat to remove MPs from their posts.

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BREAKING : Waxwork of man at Madame Tussauds melting even though it’s on display in a fridge

IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME : Alarming news today that famous London tourist hotspot Madame Tussauds is in lockdown after a malfunction in a cooling system. While the number of exhibits affected by the loss of cooling is limited to one, it’s said to be a very contemporary and important figurine.

“It’s understood that shortly after 10pm last night the waxwork of a famous con artist in the Rogue’s Gallery began melting. The temperature on the display fridge was immediately lowered to zero degrees celsius, but to no avail,” our correspondent reports.

“Baker Street rotten fruit sellers are threatened with bankruptcy,” a source close to the museum also told LCD Views. “If the waxwork of the famous shyster can’t be saved then what will the rotten tomato sellers do? Except perhaps resell their fruit as fresh to Britain’s struggling supermarket chains.”

While it’s not known which personality is melting sources close to the fridge say it’s a likeness of a man with a body like a sack of potatoes and hair like a burning haystack. He is believed to be active in both politics and journalism and subject of false claims that he is writing a Shakespeare biography?

10 Downing Street have added to the mystery surrounding the “ongoing kakistostrophe” by issuing a denial that the melting figure is not the Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“Staff at Madam Tussauds have seized on this as a ray of light,” our source comments. “If it’s the actual PM melting and not the waxwork than the loss will in reality be a gain.”

It’s said that before long it will be known if that is the case.

“Our model is 100% wax. Boris Johnson has feet of clay. We will know soon enough if it’s actually him melting as only the feet will be left.”

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The FIVE signs you may have the OMICRON VARIANT

FESTIVE SEASON SPECIAL : WORKING OUT WHAT VARIANT OF THE PLAGUE is in your home is one of the new must do past times for Global Britons. Whatever maybe said about the quality of leadership of the UK Government during the pandemic, no one can accuse them of being out of touch with viral fashions.

“It’s about synergy,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “You can not keep justifying awarding mates of ministers multi-million pound PPE and testing contracts if we don’t have the latest variant in house, so to speak. We’re world leaders in the rapid import of each new strain, assuming we haven’t cooked it up at home. In that case we’re world leading exporters. This is what winning for Global Britons looks like. Import and export of CV-19 strains. No one can touch us and increasingly no one wants to.”

But it’s not just ministers that are keen to be seen with the latest pathogens, ordinary hardworking Brits are conscious of staying up to date with the latest developments in the pandemic too.

LCD Views has studied the literature available and put together the FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE THE OMICRON VARIANT.

It’s very straightforward.

1. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes that you are odds on to have OMICRON right now!

If you’re unsure than all you need to do is put together a list of your symptoms, which leads us onto…

2. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Anyone who doubted that a shambolic and emotionally retarded clown couldn’t manage the pandemic to ensure his voters have the MUST HAVE variant need look no further than the reading on their latest digital thermometer. If the temperature is rising you know who’s in Downing Street.

3. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes and you don’t have symptoms of today’s newest bit of rampant RNA than don’t worry, you’re probably asymptomatic and can ensure the non-availability of testing will help you keep your community current. Even if you can get a test if is just possible it’s with a company that has no prior experience in the field but had the right member of the PM’s government in their contact book.

4. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Look no further than your bedsheets. They’ll be damp, dirty and in need of changing in no time. But not because you’ve been busy between the sheets, if you know what we mean. A microbe is though, replicating like mad inside your cells. Nice.

And lastly, but certainly not least, we come to the fifth sign that almost guarantees you have the latest in viral loads.

5. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? You can’t keep a good man down and there is nothing your Prime Minister won’t do to ensure you’re a card carrying member of the platinum club. If platinum means years of attritional anxiety to the point where the most minor of physical comforts has you fearing it’s all over. Just pack those kids off to school and wait for them to come home talking about the class mate in the unfiltered air with the cough.

Take the day off from worry. Take ten days off consecutively. If you answered yes to one or all of our straightforward questions than you can be sure if you don’t have OMICRON today, you will tomorrow. World beating.