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The only legal party is a Conservative party, says Tory MP

YOU’VE GOT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY: Covid schmovid. What’s the point of being in charge of the rules if you can’t use them to your advantage? It’s the main reason why people become MPs. 

The current crop of Tory MPs are a case in point. There is no act so depraved, so corrupt, so hypocritical that will prevent them from defending it to the hilt. 

Now the infamous illegal Downing Street party has come under scrutiny. As ever, sacrificial lambs have been despatched to all major news outlets to defend the indefensible. 

“Why did officials at Downing Street think it was a good idea to throw a party, while prohibiting them for everyone else?” asked every interviewer across the land. 

Most prevaricated, and wheeled out some bollocks about not being there, because it didn’t happen. But one bright spark, angling for a promotion no doubt, had a genuine answer. 

“There’s a very simple answer, and this is it,” announced Tory MP Will Yubelievit. “Rules are rules, and the rule is that the only legal party is a Conservative party. You will find the relevant legislation in due course.” 

“The rules, at that point, stated that there should be no gatherings,” persisted the interviewer. “No parties, nothing. What do you say to all the people who made sacrifices for the good of everyone else?” 

“We all know that the virus respects a convivial fraternal spirit,” said Yubelievit. “This is known to exist only in the highest echelons of the Conservative Party. The virus respects the rules and the authority of the land. It’s known as following the science.” 

Ten Downing Street refused to confirm or deny Yubelievit’s claim. But you can bet your bottom dollar that they wanted to take credit for it. 

Christmas is saved. The simple solution is to join a Conservative party. Immunity from rules, responsibilities and covid will follow. 

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BREAKING : Downing Street appoints Clandestine Christmas Party Planner

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Everyone in the UK can calm down now and stop worrying over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s seasonal party plans in his endless pandemic with the announcement that he has appointed a Clandestine Christmas Party Planner.

The new position has already been filled by an anonymous figure who is said to have studied the work of Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander closely to ensure they remain “completely invisible and serve no useful function at all, so far as the public are concerned”.

There is said to be a generous pay and entitlements package associated with the job with a “peerage virtually guaranteed so long as no one finds out what party games the Johnsons play this Christmas”.

The need for the British Prime Minister to conceal his rampant hypocrisy is becoming more pressing now. Once or twice ministers have been called on their egregious horseshit in television interviews and there is a concern it maybe impacting on polling. No one should be worried that the concern is public health and safety because “all that profit reducing nonsense went out the door with Brexit”.

“Rules will be broken and you will not find out about it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Normally we break rules to show you that we have the power, but now a change in tack is called for.”

The first job of the party planner will be to conceal the arrival of mountains of champagne for the Christmas period at 10 Downing Street. After that they will have to arrange a secret ball, which may or may not see some senior police officers in attendance, along with some famous journalists.

“You’ll never know, so I wouldn’t worry about it,” the source adds. “By the way you have to stop talking about Johnson’s pandemic rule breaking 2020 Christmas parties because they’re now listed under the Official Secrets Act.”

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Boris Johnson’s Christmas “marked safe” regardless of circumstances

YOUR SACRIFICES ARE NOTED : Calming news for the shattered nerves of Blighty today with the announcement by 10 Downing Street that whatever happens the Prime Minister’s Christmas party plans will remain unaltered.

“The public should be in no doubt that no catastrophe or calamity afflicting them will stand in the way of the PM getting hammered in the festive season with his close circle of friends,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told the country. “Mr Johnson did not scheme, bully and lie his way to the top just to let tens of thousands of avoidable deaths among the plebs stop the champagne corks from popping.”

The reassurance that Mr Johnson’s Christmas is safe this year comes as the story breaks that it was also safe last year.

“As you were all making the great sacrifices required last year because Mr Johnson ignored the science and refused to lockdown in the autumn, preferring the pseudo-science, economic illiteracy of his Chancellor, Mr and Mrs Johnson were having a fantastic time with their friends in the public housing stock you pay for.”

The spokesman went on to confirm that last year’s Christmas Party at 10 Downing Street was “mask less” because they thought it unlikely to be able to source sufficient “Restoration era garb” in time for a masked ball.

“The Great British public can look forward to Christmas 2021 knowing that no new variant, no alien invasion, no thermonuclear war, no plague, fire or famine will stop the Johnson’s ripping the piss out of you in private, even as they urge you to behave in exactly the opposite way in public. Merry Christmas, those of you who have survived another year of Boris Johnson as PM.”

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Priti Patel to extend the White Cliffs of Dover around the whole country to keep out the migrants

FALLING OFF A CLIFF EDGE: The ultimate protection against migrants has been created by Priti Patel. In a scheme described as “daring and fabulously creative”, the famous White Cliffs of Dover will be extended to form a protective ring around the country.

As usual, anyone pointing out the obvious flaws will be denounced as unpatriotic and hating their country. This self-evident truth was demonstrated by Patel herself in an off-the-record briefing.

“Ms Patel, the logistics alone don’t bear thinking about!” exclaimed a weary sounding official. “There’s no way we can move that amount of chalk, the rivers would have nowhere to go, all our ports would close, seaside holidays would be a thing of the past, it would cost an absolute bomb, and it wouldn’t work anyway!”

“Off with his head!” shrieked Patel. “Treason, that’s what it is! Not believin’ in Britain! NOBODY contradicts The Prittster! Your head will be hangin’ from the gallows first thing in the mornin’!”

The Home Office managed to put out a slightly less deranged statement. “Extending the iconic White Cliffs is part of a grand project to make the UK as unwelcoming as possible,” explained Home Office ghoul Ade Cutts. “Nobody can scale those cliffs, and if those cliffs surrounded England, nobody would be able to get in. That would make the smelly oiks crossing the Channel in search of freebies think twice. It’s that simple!”

Hundreds of consultancies with links to Tory MPs were instantly queueing up to tell Patel what a great idea it was, pocket exorbitant fees, then advise her to quietly abandon the project on cost grounds. It is just another idiotic scheme like a Boris Bridge, after all, and the only reason it gets past the censors is that Tory chums get to cream off huge amounts of public money.

Patel can build her wall, and make the EU pay for it. Good luck with that.

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BREAKING : Downing Street to decide which Minister will be “first to break new mask rules” in public

A STITCH IN TIME : DOWNING STREET is to meet today with itself and decide which cabinet minister will be the first to break the new pandemic restrictions in public.

The decision to act swiftly now that masks are mandated again on public transport and in supermarkets is said to be driven by the need to have a “fully confused public”.

“The more people we confuse the better for Mr Johnson’s government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “While you’re wondering why it’s okay for someone to stand around in a crowded pub for hours inhaling and exhaling the virus but they have to wear a mask to get there, billions more will be looted from the public.”

The need to confuse also helps with another key feature of the Prime Minister’s style of government, that of encouraging conspiracy theorists. While the PM is deciding who will get to be the star of this cycle of pandemic mismanagement various headbangers in the Tory Party have come forward to make a massive fuss over a simple measure to protect others. It is said to have them all “splitting their sides with laughter” as government by piss take continues unabated.

“You see how swiftly Priti Patel acts if there’s a threat of some paint being daubed on a statue?” the source grinned. “What happens to anti-vax protestors? More confusion that’s what. And don’t even think about making a papier mache mask to protest climate change. You’ll be for it. The old bill will smash down your door and arrest you for a future crime. Stand around harassing A&E staff at night and you’ll get a medal mate. It’s perfect. No one knows what the hell is going on. Essentially Mr Johnson is governing in the same way he conducts his intimate relationships.”

Which cabinet minister will be photographed breaking the new mandate will be decided by putting the names of all of them into a hat and then getting “completely hammered” before drawing the lucky winner.

“All the cabinet is on tenterhooks waiting to see who will actually ride public transport with a photographer placed back in the carriage,” the source advises. “Or maybe even go into a supermarket and stand in the cereal aisle. The opportunity to combine slumming it for a few minutes with confusing the public is like a golden ticket for anyone in Mr Johnson’s government.”

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BREAKING : Priti Patel seeks to outlaw Yvette Cooper

HIT FAST AND HIT EARLY : A STUNNING LEAK from the Home Office this morning shows that world beating Home Secretary Priti Patel is more than a match for Labour’s new Shadow Home Secretary.

While all of progressive social media celebrated the elevation of Cooper (and Lammy) to the front bench anyone paying attention could tell that Priti Patel was unfazed and ready to take on her latest opponent.

“No one can remember who the last Shadow Home Secretary was,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “And once Ms Patel has finished changing the law no one will be able to even say who Yvette Cooper is without risking a lengthy internment.”

It is also said that various ideas where initially floated to deal with Cooper, from wave machines outside Westminster and paying the French to abduct her, but in the end just changing the law was deemed the easiest.

And it seems the law change will have broader benefits for the ruling Conservatives.

“We’ve made great strides in criminalising competence and humanity, attention to detail and focus already, but the new Cooper Law will guarantee total rule for generations to come.”

While the details of the new legislation are being hurriedly cobbled together, the leak says that anyone who can actually read a policy document and think through its implications will be classed as an extremist, have their citizenship removed in a fit of manic laughing by the Home Secretary, and then moved to an immigration deportation facility.

“The moment Cooper starts holding Priti Patel to account and showing her up for the ghastly and inhumane spectacle of tyranny that she is, Ms Patel will prove her right.”

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Channel migrants blamed for missing £37bn “spent” on Test & Trace

COMING OVER HERE : There’s been a few questions for some time in the United Kingdom over how in hell the half arsed Test and Trace system cost the taxpayer a cool £37 billion pounds? Especially when comparable countries managed working systems for a lot less money.

Clearly giving the NHS the resources, on the basis that local health authorities already have to trace infectious diseases, was a non-starter, because who’d get obscenely wealthy overnight if that happened?

“A few well connected private companies were chosen because it was payday,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Would you have had us control the virus effectively like some sane, pragmatic and modern country? How many good chaps who donate to the Tories would have benefited from that? I mean once you determine that being poor is one of the greatest risk elevators in the pandemic it’s nothing to worry about.”

Still people are asking where the money went? Especially as for most the experience of the service is that it does not function properly, if at all, although that is the benchmark of Johnson’s Britain.

“It’s really quite easy to explain,” the source goes on, “once you perform a full frontal lobotomy on yourself. It’s the Channel migrants. France is sending them over in boats to steal the money and give it to the EU. Which of course faces bankruptcy every single day without British cash.”

That’s it. A few people in dinghies. They’re to blame for everything and not the scheming, inhuman con artists who decided to let it rip.

“I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad if they knew how to Conga dance and could pay homage to our glorious war dead in a public spectacle.”

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MPs to give up their second jobs to concentrate on consultancy

ALL WORK AND NO PAY: Tory MPs caught up in the second jobs scandal are planning to quit their second jobs to avoid unnecessary scrutiny. For most of them, consultancy comes first. 

There’s a truism that allegedly circulates in Tory circles. Private sector good, public sector bad. Tory MPs are belatedly walking up to the fact that their work representing The People is in the public sector. By becoming MPs, they automatically become their own enemy. Small wonder that so many are confused. 

One such MP is Sir Phil McCoffers, who represents Utterleigh-in-the-Mire. “The public sector is bad, isn’t it?” he mused, gradually untangling what passes for lines of thought in his head. “Low paid. High degree of scrutiny. Insecurity. Well I won’t have it any more! The bloody lefties aren’t going to look into my private financial affairs. I can afford to lose the paltry pay, and I’m not waiting around for the plebs in Utterleigh to kick me out. I’m off.”

So can we expect a by-election in the near future? 

“I expect so, we must proceed with the charade of democracy,” said Sir Phil. “The poor bugger who ‘wins’ will have to square the circle of managing the weekly surgery with putting in respectable hours doing international consultancy. Frankly, my time is better spent giving advice than walking through lobbies.” 

Sir Phil is not alone. Many like him are realising that there are better ways to pocket £82k a year which are away from the public gaze. But there are some who will cling to their current occupation. 

“I can rent a flat in London on expenses,” Sir Phil disclosed. “Basically live in the middle of things for nothing, run a couple of mistresses on the public purse. I don’t do this, obviously, but there are some who would not want to give up this perk. Why do you think Boris doesn’t simply resign and scuttle back under a rock?”

It’s a good question. Follow the money, then follow the trousers. 

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BREAKING : Masks to be worn in two places Tory MPs don’t go from 4pm Tuesday

PICK ANY VARIANT YOU LIKE : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR WORRIED BRITONS that the geniuses governing them will not see any appreciable impact on their own lifestyles by the changes to the rules in the tantric pandemic.

Designing the rules around the lifestyles of Tory MPs and donors has been a key plank of pandemic policy, especially when it comes to the time to discard the rules. Now from 4pm Tuesday masks will have to be worn on public transport and in the supermarket, but not anywhere fun, so that’s alright.

“This is because the crafty little virus really only targets places where poor people go,” newly promoted Tory Minister for Infections, Basil Toilet-Brush MP told LCD Views. “You know, those little crowded cans they shuffle back and forward in to the mill. Or to mill as a low value economic unit may say. Also to market. But fine dining, the pub and the sweaty private rooms of private members clubs will be immune from the inconveniences.”

The decision to give the new variant several days grace before the change in the rules has also been seen as displaying the PM’s sense of “sportsmanship” and “fair play”.

“There’s no suggestion we will need until late Tuesday to pick donors to throw lucrative contracts at,” the minister reassured.

Fears about non-compliance with the new rules have been eased too, especially in the knowledge that Tory MPs are incapable of adhering to basic rules which safeguard other people.

“There are two places Tory MPs simply do not go,” Toilet-Brush MP stated. “That’s the supermarket and on public transport. So there is no need to fear any of us being fined for non-compliance. We will be in full compliance with the law. The drones who serve us will have to fight for themselves in Tesco. Or on the tube. But that’s fine by us because we don’t care. Now. Another glass of pandemic? It’s a very good vintage this year.”

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UK PM “FURIOUS” after SAS refuse mission to leave burning bag of dog poo on Macron’s doorstep

WHO DARES SINS : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reportedly “livid” after the famous British Special Air Service refused a direct order to undertake a secret, diplomatic mission to France said to be “about Johnson’s level of statecraft”.

There were high expectations in 10 Downing Street of British boots on French soil, but not on the beaches, but those hopes now lay dashed because of an outbreak of “snowflakery” in the elite commando force.

“Is Mr Johnson the Commander in Chief or not?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views, because apparently no one in the famous address actually knew.

It’s said that the Prime Minister himself personally dreamed up the idea of taking a brown paper bag, filling it with Dylin (the prop dog’s) poo and ordering the SAS to sneak into France and leave it BURNING on the front steps of the Élysée Palace.

“What has happened to the famous fighting spirit of British troops?” the source queried. “Putting it up the French is the sole purpose of British enlisted men and always has been, without fail. Is this the 21st century or not? We’ll have to look at a private alternative.”

The decision by the SAS to refuse the mission means that a new defence force review will be ordered by 10 Downing Street.

“Clearly we need a patriotic to takeover. Preferably one who books their profits in a tax haven but makes their money in the U.K. We are going to need to modernise the SAS to make it fit for purpose for the bizarre mind palace the small man in 10 Downing Street lives in.”

For their part their French appear to have declined to comment on the leaked plans preferring instead to use their membership of the largest trading bloc on Earth to wield influence.

“SAS or SAD?” Mr Johnson is said to be asking anyone he can find inside 10 Downing Street, and will continue to do so until someone laughs just to make him shut up and go away.