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Nobody told me that I had to be Prime Minister when I became PM, says Boris Johnson

FINGERS IN THE EARS AND GOING LA LA LA: Ignorance is bliss. Although ignorance of the law is no defence. Especially if you are the one who created the law then spent days repeating it. 

World beating world king and newly clothed emperor, Boris Johnson, is feeling the heat. Why, oh why, oh why, he demands, does anyone expect ME to run the country? 

“When I, as it were, isn’t it, you know, yes, no, well, erm, wiff waff, became, you know, Prime Minister, nobody told me that I actually had to do the Prime Ministering,” Johnson revealed. “All I have to do is to be PM, other people actually, and and and, this is not easy to say, VACCINES!!, erm, other people actually do the work.” 

Where does the buck stop? 

“The bucks go into my pocket, with the pounds, euros and roubles,” he replied. “The bucks stop with me, I can always get someone else to buy stuff, like that ghastly wallpaper that ghastly woman foisted on me.” 

Carrie? 

“Is that the filly’s name? Really?” he spluttered. “Leaking to the press, going behind everyone’s back, manipulating, pretending to have babies. I mean, I thought that was my job!” 

No, your job is to run the country. 

“You don’t want me running the country!” chuckled Johnson. “Can you imagine? Talking bollocks, waving a little flag, dressing up, getting pissed, and saying ‘wiff waff’ all the time? I would be rubbish!” 

But still you became the PM. 

“Nobody told me I would have to do any, erm, erm, what’s the word now… ah yes, work!” he snivelled. “I’ve never followed the rules before, why start now? Wiff waff! Veni vidi da Vinci Code! In any case we must wait for Sue Grey’s report, which will be delayed indefinitely.” 

The job of world king is not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. 

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BREAKING : Judge to rule on whether or not Boris and Carrie get to keep gold wallpaper

YOU CAN’T BUY CLASS BUT YOU CAN GET IT DONATED : RUMOURS IN THE WESTMINSTER VILLAGE suggest that Britain’s outgoing Prime Minister Carrie Johnson and her consort Boris are to ask the HIGH COURT to rule on whether or not they get to keep the gold wallpaper.

The decision to redecorate the famous Downing Street address was taken early in the Johnson’s tenure and one of the most significant decisions the pair took while in government. It was hoped the changes to 10 Downing Street would have been at least “as semi-permanent as a Boris Johnson family household” but it seems likely the wallpaper will be stripped away as rapidly as “a Union Flag by the tutor in an IT lesson”.

The fate of the wallpaper is a key decision as it symbolises the great strides taken by the pair as they oversaw the successes of not only Brexit and the pandemic, but of bringing a touch of new money class to the “slum” in central London.

“If Mr and Mrs Johnson keep possession of the wallpaper it will go a long way to funding their retirement from public life,” our non-existent financial expert comments on the fabricated rumours. “It is believed to be high carat wallpaper and could be melted down and recast as ingots.”

Although there is more than just immediate financial security riding on who keeps the stunning wall covering.

“If the wallpaper is deemed by a judge to be public property it will have to be treated like all public assets under Tory administrations,” our expert concludes. “That is sold off to private interests, stripped and the profits relocated to an offshore location. From there they can be used to purchase more public assets in the virtuous cycle of Conservative fiscal management of UK plc.”

But it’s felt that Mr Johnson may have more than financial aims in his mind.

“If he continues on as an MP he will be dreaming of his comeback and will likely use lengths of the impressive paper to write letters of no confidence on about whoever succeeds him as PM. Presumably before he’s even had time to pack his bags and get out of No 10.”

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Competition intense for the annual Thick As Mince award

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR: No, not Christmas, but the Annual Tory Backslapping Awards. One of the most hotly contested awards is even more than usually interesting this year.

Indeed, candidates are almost literally queueing up for the gong. The David Davis Thick As Mince Award has attracted any number of outstanding candidates.

There is Nadine Dorries, who is nominated every year, but has excelled herself recently. Dorries, who justifies her selection every time she opens her mouth, is threatening the BBC for actually reporting the news. Why can’t we be more like America, runs her ‘thesis’, with properly partisan propagandists like Fox News? Dorries is currently the bookies’ favourite for the award.

Consider Oliver Dowden. But not for long, as it can cause permanent damage. Like gazing into the sun, exposure to Dowden is likely to impair your faculties. His claim to fame being ‘disgusted’ by the revelation that parties were taking place both illegally and under his nose. He is angry because he neither noticed nor was invited. Dowden is another front-runner.

Then there is Nadhim Zahawi. The Education Secretary has been on the news programmes more often than most, although never to talk about education. Not the best liar, he was challenged to defend the absent Prime Minister’s latest ridiculous excuse, implicitly. After repeating himself several times, and crowbarring the word ‘vaccines’ into every other sentence, he gave up trying to understand what exactly ‘believed implicitly’ means. Maybe, by realising that his boss is talking bollocks at last, he has exempted himself from the running.

Of course, no competition would be complete without Boris Johnson trying to skew the odds in his favour. He is currently trying to spin his pathetic excuse that he is ‘self-isolating’, despite there being no obligation at present, as stupidity rather than cowardice. In any event, he will dress up in hi-viz and cosplay as the winner.

Meanwhile, there are no nominees for the Competent Conservative of the Year prize.

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BREAKING : Tory MPs search internally for an idiot big enough to succeed Boris Johnson

ALL IT TAKES IS A FOOL : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR ANXIOUS BRITS with the confirmation that even Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has written to the 1922 Committee to express no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

The decision to replace the bloated sack of bollocks as Prime Minister is not surprising, nor is the timing, with the Tory Party changing its underwear with increasing frequency due to the increasing speed with which they fill up with scat. But who could possibly want to live in 10 Downing Street with that wallpaper is another question?

“There’s no doubt there’s plenty of idiots in the Party who’d like a shot at being PM,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s just choosing the right one. I mean they are going to have to be so pig ignorant it’s almost impossible to measure. Just think of the mess they will be inheriting?”

Some in the party are rumoured to think it’s time to bow out of government for a while and count their money and simply let a coalition government of “woke lefties” repair the damage before resuming the culture war and taking office again.

“Unfortunately the idiots who want to replace Johnson will be having none of that. Each of them so convinced of their own genius.”

Liz Truss is a hot favourite with the bookies. Dominic Raab is a hot favourite with Dominic Raab. Priti Patel is thought to be Satan’s choice as he seeks a more direct method of command, rather than just via the Home Office. But it will be down to the membership to decide, which is the essence of British democracy in action.

“Most of the membership is incredibly stupid so they can be relied upon to pick the right candidate,” the source adds, “I mean a group of people dumb enough to believe Johnson was going to be a world beating PM will deliver again.”

Punters anxious over what comes next are advised to take it easy as no one will have the weird Trumpian magic that Johnson had with so much of the electorate.

“We’re just going to have to fall further but be entertained by the spectacle of anyone prize idiot Boris thought safe to have in his team tries to carry on where he left off. Let’s hope there’s no popcorn trade war! We’re going to need a large stock of it!”

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MPs should communicate through the proper channels, like pigeon post, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

I HEARD IT ON THE GRAPEVINE: Leader of the House, and Member of Parliament for the Regency Period, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has made his customary irrelevant intervention. As usual, he has taken an issue and missed the point by a country mile. Clearly, the tone of the row about illegal secret Tory parties is the most important matter under consideration.

Rees-Mogg does not seem to have an issue with holding any kind of social gathering during the strictest restrictions. Nor with the cavalier way that ministers appeared on TV speaking gravely, and warning that everyone should stay home and not mix at all, before doing exactly that. After all, infectious diseases were widely misunderstood in the early years of the nineteenth century.

In those times, life was short, hard and brutish. If the sewage-laden water didn’t finish you off, a traditional harsh winter would. And there was no electronic communication in these wonderful days of yore. There was in fact no need for the Lower Orders to talk, so busy were they generating income for their Lord. And the Lords would send elegant messages by way of a footman on horseback. It could take weeks for a message to get through, and more so if one forgot to add a postscript and had to send the exhausted footman on his way again the moment he returned.

Thus the natural rhythm of life as a country squire went by. The most urgent messages would be transmitted by pigeon, and Rees-Mogg sees no reason to change this most excellent method. A message is not worthy of the name, he states, unless it has been inscribed on the finest parchment using a quill, sealed with wax, delivered by the original air mail, and presented to His Lordship upon a silver platter borne by a servile butler.

One may then throw the missive on the fire, and eat the pigeon, and nobody ever needs to be any the wiser.

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I was at the party I didn’t go to, admits Boris Johnson

NOW YOU SEE HIM, NOW YOU DON’T: Schrödinger’s Prime Minister was both at and not at the fabled Downing Street parties. This is according to the admission by Boris Johnson that he did actually attend the party that he definitely didn’t attend, according to Boris Johnson.

“Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no,” said Johnson when pressed on the issue. “Well, erm, erm, well, that is to say, I suppose the important thing is where we are now, erm, well, wiff waff, adversus solem ne loquitor, the matter is closed, get yourself vaccinated!, we will have to wait until the enquiry is complete, ignored, buried, swept under the carpet, and I’m sunning myself on a deserted shoreline, and we have acted while Labour just grumbles at me!”

This is progress. Only yesterday, the very same Boris Johnson was insisting that there was no party, and even if there was, he wasn’t there and knew nothing about it, despite photographic evidence of a garden party in his back garden, with him seated next to Carrie, which must have been work because everyone was in a suit.

Schrödinger must be turning in his grave (while simultaneously non-rotational). First, there was Brexit, which certainly meant Brexit even if it didn’t. Then there came covid, which although a deadly pandemic is also completely harmless. Now, in accordance with Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, which states that the more precisely one may pin down the position of Boris Johnson, the less certain he actually exists, the fact that he was at the party probably means that he wasn’t.

Brexit naturally debunks all this philosophy. On two grounds. Firstly, the philosophers are experts, so their evidence may be discounted. Secondly, and even more damning, they were both European.

Naturally, this means that Johnson is off the hook. So, therefore, he is damned by his own arguments.

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SNUBBED Tory MPs rage at lack of invites to Downing Street lockdown parties

TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is on the receiving end of some ferocious Whatsapp’s today after the true scale of his 10 Downing Street lockdown parties was revealed.

“It wasn’t just a couple of close friends over for a few sneaky drinks,” a member of the newly set up PRG (Party Research Group) told LCD Views. “Basically it was one endless party all through lockdown. AND I WASN’T INVITED.”

The failure to invite the most insane headbangers in the Conservative Party to the 10 Downing Street hypocrisy festival now risks endangering the Prime Minister’s position.

“What’s the point of being in the Tory Party if you don’t get to laugh at the plebs with all the other chaps?” the PRG spokesman demanded. “He’s treated us like filth. He may even have been laughing at us? This is untenable. Clearly the deep economic harm and mass death is of no account, but to be snubbed like this? Stuck at home with the bloody wife while the PM was partying the night away? He can’t recover from this.”

Although all may not be lost for Mr Johnson with Westminster rumours suggesting he is planning a repeat of his 2019 strategy of just removing dissenters from his party.

“He’ll have to find people crazier than the 2019 intake of Brexiters to replace us with,” the PRG notes. “Good luck with that. We’re completely swivel eyed, batshit, thick as two planks meat puppets. We’re irreplaceable. Wish is why he should have invited all of us to the parties. Then we could all have denied they happened together, just like we daily deny reality on the pandemic and Brexit.”

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Downing Street orders “Made In Britain” stickers affixed to all artefacts in the British Museum

PATRIOTISM IS ON THE MARCH : MPs at The Ministry of Culture are expecting to be busier than ever over the coming weeks as they take back control of The British Museum.

It’s long been acknowledged that the museum is a hotbed of woke subversion and it’s high time something was done about it. One of the most pressing issues is the need to revise the provenance of the millions of historical artefacts housed in the grand building in central London.

“Downing Street has taken a moment out from its pressing concerns over flat refurbishments to focus on the issue of the Benin Bronzes, The Elgin Marbles and various other items of British property that saboteurs from Brussels are using to undermine British sovereignty,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They’ve come up with a solution, between the lobster and sea bass courses, which puts the matter to rest forever.”

The solution is a neat one and it is claimed supports British industry.

“We will be nationalising the sticker factories that currently churn out those unpatriotic ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ stickers and repurposing them to put Britain firmly on the world map.”

New stickers will be produced which say “Made In Britain” and are Union Flag patterned, and they’ll be produced by the millions.

“MPs from the Ministry of Culture will tour the British Museum and affix the stickers to every single artefact either on display, or in a box somewhere in the vaults. We will soon show those pesky forrins who owns what! And if anyone quibbles over the claim that, for example, The Map of the World, Abu Habba, Iraq 700-500 BB (Before Britain) is truly British then they’ll soon have egg on their face when they see the ‘Made In Britain’ sticker on its surface!”

Plans are also in place to tattoo the foreheads of all babies born in the UK with Union Flags so wherever they end up in the world people will know they’re British.

“As that’s normally a secret.”

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BBC 1 to broadcast the National Anthem 24 hours a day

BRITANNIA RULES THE AIRWAVES: To make sure that the BBC is truly patriotic and British, a new directive has been issued. From a date in the near future, BBC1 will broadcast the National Anthem 24 hours a day, every day, and doubly so on Sundays.

Tory MP Simba Lism has insisted that the UK is insufficiently indoctrinated. There is only one thing that can restore the greatness of Britain, and that is to make sure that every time UK citizens turn on the TV or radio, they are guaranteed to hear God Save The Queen. This alone will restore much pride, But Lism wants to go even further.

“It is of vital importance that our culture is not diluted by all the horrible foreigners swarming into the country,” Lism urged, fists thumping on to the table, disturbing the carefully arranged Union Jacks around his desk. “Don’t they understand that we are British? And Britishness must be emphasised by our national broadcaster. They have a duty to support our national identity, and protect our wonderful culture from the foreign whiff of garlic and curry!”

And it’s not just anthems and flags that Lism is talking about. The symbols of Global Britain must be everywhere.

“I want every British house, shop, and castle to be red, white and blue!” he thundered. “We must never forget our heritage! Statues must remain exactly where they stand, forever, like Ozymandias, to remind us that our history is sacrosanct! We must have our British pound of spuds! Our British eight bob tuppence ha’penny! The blessed crown on our beer glasses, so we cannot forget how British we are, even in our cups! And BBC1 shall play the National Anthem to ensure that loyal citizens salute with pure British rapture!”

Meanwhile ITV1 will play Land Of Hope And Glory, ITV3 will show Poirot, and Channel 4 will play the Sex Pistols favourite God Save The Queen.

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Downing Street orders Bristol Harbour drained so Colston statue can’t be thrown back in

WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE STATUES : 10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly to the shocking and unpatriotic decision this week to clear the Colston Four of criminal damage.

“Those judges are the enemies of the statues,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Long dead white men cast in bronze are the bedrock of the UK’s cultural life and identity. What the decision this week says to the army of the woke is beyond calculation. Saboteurs and fifth columnists will say that the court merely upheld the law but we all know that the law doesn’t matter under Johnson’s government.”

Happily though for any red faced ageing men with high blood pressure the Prime Minister is rumoured to have taken personal control of the matter.

“Mr Johnson convened a cheese and wine tasting last night and came up with a bold course of action to stop these vile progressive forces in their tracks. And what’s more it twins neatly with the levelling up agenda he’s so proud of.”

The plan appears to be to invest heavily into Bristol.

“We’re going to drain Bristol Harbour. This way no one will be throwing any more statues into it. There will be a minor cost to shipping in the area, but that’s something we can live with because other people take care of the consequences of our poor thinking. You just wait until the next statue is dragged to the edge of the harbour wall by some scruffy yoghurt eating layabouts! The shock on their faces when they see just a dry and stony landscape where once was water will be priceless.”

Bristol Council is said to be fully behind the plan and will be pushing for the dry harbour to be consecrated as a shrine to Colston and all he stood for.

“It’s important that everyone gets the message loud and clear,” the source added. “Only Tory MPs are allowed to do criminal damage to the UK.”