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Boris Johnson to ease the cost of living for the poorest millionaires

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE MILLIONAIRES: The Prime Minister is finally taking steps to help those hardest hit by the cost of living increases. The least well off millionaires will be supported by the government through these trying times. 

Millionaires are being squeezed at both ends. Changes to National Insurance rules mean that they will actually have to pay it. Also, with cheap EU labour having fucked off home thanks to Brexit, many are finding it hard to acquire cheap labour to clean their mansions and raise their snotty kids. The furious clampdowns on illegal immigrants means that even millionaires living near Dover can no longer obtain under-the-radar staff. 

So the millionaires are having to employ British workers. And they are once again caught in a bind. Not wishing to catch covid from the massed ranks of the Great unwashed, millionaires are demanding the very vaccine passports that they so recently loudly objected to. 

Even at minimum wage, that’s an increase in costs that will deprive little Tarquin of one of his skiing holidays. 

Tales are circulating amongst the nouveaux pauvre of the unthinkable sacrifices they are having to make. Some are down to their last four Range Rovers. The hardest hit are having to contemplate selling one of their second homes. 

Into this disastrous situation steps Boris Johnson with a rescue package. In exchange for donations in perpetuity to the Conservative Party, Johnson is pledging first dibs on government contracts and tranches of gas company shares. And every ten years, a free coffee. It’s the ultimate loyalty scheme. 

This will be paid for by extra taxes on those who actually need to work for a living. It’s the duty of the lower orders to subsidise the lifestyles of their social superiors, this is one of the principal cornerstones of British Society. 

Poor little rich kids. 

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BREAKING: Tory MP discovered who is not taking drugs, shagging anything that moves, or accepting dodgy donations

ROOKIE MISTAKES: Intensive investigations into Tory sleaze have revealed the existence of a species thought to be extinct. A solitary Conservative MP has been discovered whose lifestyle is beyond reproach. 

This MP is devoted to his wife. He doesn’t take drugs. He manages to get by on his paltry stipend of 82 grand without claiming expenses for heating his stables or taking on extra work as a lobbyist. Indeed, he appears to spend most of his time working as a full time MP. 

He votes with his conscience. He devotes much time to constituency issues. He always acts with the greatest respect and integrity. 

Except in one crucial respect. Terry Dactill remains a member of the Conservative Party. 

LCD Views naturally tried to contact him, but unfortunately he was far too busy negotiating with energy suppliers on behalf of his most vulnerable constituents, and was reluctant to attract publicity. 

So instead we sought the opinions of those brave investigators who uncovered his existence. 

“Terry Dactill is a throwback, you might even call him a dinosaur,” claimed fearless journalist Carole Singer. “I have personally trawled through the records of over three hundred Tory MPs over the last six years, and never have I seen such egregious integrity and attention to detail. He has never so much as claimed for a parking ticket! I’m shocked to the core.”

Singer has a vast store of information about Tory parliamentarians. Many acquire descriptive nicknames or plays on their real names. Michael Coke, Michael Fabrication, Captain Bag-of-Custard, Rishi Scrooge, Miss Yo-yo Knickers, and Geoffrey Two-Jobs provide a colourful selection. 

“Dactill even keeps a copy of the Nolan Principles on his desk at the House of Commons,” continued Singer in an awed voice. “I’ve never seen that in my whole life. It’s as if I’ve been transported back to the mid 20th century!” 

There is also rumoured to be a nickname given to decent, honest Tory MPs by their peers: idiots. 

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BREAKING : PM to lead Tory Party in doorstep clap to celebrate steep cost of living

TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT : The one and lonely Boris Johnson is to lead his party in a doorstep clap this evening at 8pm to celebrate today’s eyewatering cost of living increases.

A Downing Street source said the decision to clap for people suddenly finding themselves in poverty, and those now teetering on the brink, was made in order to allow the entire Conservative Party to make a public show of just how pleased they are with themselves.

“Squeezing the fat out of the lamb until it bleats, and then collapses, is the number one goal for Tory MPs,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The fact that we have overseen the worst drop in living standards in history and are just allowed to carry on making things worse and worse, it really shows we have captured British politics and strangled it.”

It’s believed especial pleasure is being taken over the public discourse about the crippling increases in day to day costs for hardworking British families, and the other ones.

“No one is mentioning Brexit. Not us. Not Labour. It’s amazing. We’re really winning here. We’ve disinvested in public services and lined our friends pockets for over a decade. We’ve shattered our trading relationship with our closest neighbours. We’ve overseen a murderous shitshow in response to the pandemic. Well, the list is long. And really the scrutiny is zero. It’s just magnificent. No one is calling us out for the long history of miss rule. Just demanding we do more now. Rishi doesn’t even know how to buy a fucking Snickers mate. Good luck getting him to understand that being part of a government that has created 10’s of 1,000’s of food banks is not a good thing. You’re dreaming.”

The public are encouraged to join Tory MPs at 8pm tonight and stand on their doorsteps and clap.

“There’s an unseasonal cold snap happening and the physical activity will help warm you up.”

Temporarily.

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Boris Johnson Self-Identifies As Sleeping Dog

Self-identification is a subject that has gained a lot of media attention in the last few years, as a means for people to define their gender and sexuality, but now it seems to be getting another use as our own glorious fuhrer is getting in on the act.

Boris Johnson said last night at a press conference:

“In this age of self-identification, I wish to show the public that I understand the issues facing people who need to self-identify, and so I am making my own self-identification statement. As of now, I officially self-identify as a sleeping dog.”

When asked why, he responded simply:

“You’ve all heard the expression let sleeping dogs lie. Well I’m a sleeping dog and I’m sick of being hounded, if you’ll excuse the pun, for not telling the truth all the time.”

So it’s not just self-identification that’s getting an expanded range of use, an old proverb is having its meaning expanded too.

Already there are reports of confusion and conflict from within Johnson’s fanbase. Some feel betrayed that he has chosen to self-identify, claiming that anyone who self-identifies as anything other than a straight man or woman has something wrong with them (their exact words were too offensive to print here).

Others meanwhile are fully supportive of his statement and are now self-identifying in their turn as sleeping dogs to show that support.

It is further rumoured that a Sleeping Dog Pride group is already being formed, and seeking prime ministerial patronage.

Exactly how this form of self-identification will affect the next national census is unclear, still, the research department have a few years yet to figure it out.

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“I meant the price next year” – Sunak clarifies his statement milk costs £200 a pint

ALL THAT GLITTERS : THE UK’S MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CHANCELLOR, inheritance millionaire and lucky in love man of the people, Rishi Sunak, has hit back at claims he doesn’t know the cost of everyday items for hardworking British men and women.

Earlier this week in an interview with lifestyle magazine ‘Silver Spoons’ the Chancellor appeared to suggest that milk was £200 a pint leading to criticism that he is “out of touch”. Mr Sunak isn’t having that and after an extended session with his personal stylist he emerged with both fists clenched.

“Only an idiot would claim that milk costs £200 a pint,” Mr Sunak beamed to camera, his shoulders pleasingly squared by a Saville Row tailor and his smile fixed to the point of pain.

But not everyone is buying it after close analysis of one of the Chancellor’s daily press photos revealed a glass of liquid gold in the background. Expert analysis suggests that maybe Mr Sunak’s milk does actually cost £200 a pint?

Defenders of the man most likely to replace Liz Truss as Britain’s PM after the next scoffed at the claims.

“Mr Sunak doesn’t dirty his mind with knowing how much his Wagu Milk with Precious Metal Flavour costs. Such comments are beneath the dignity of a man who struggled out of obscurity to be the most photographed Chancellor the UK has ever had. Now, let’s focus on the real issues, the upcoming cut to VAT on begging bowls for children under 10. Means tested of course.”

And there is some substance to Mr Sunak’s clarification. Analysis of his plans to help with the cost of living crisis, he’s helping to cause, reveal so much inflation coming down the line milk will become a luxury item.

“He’s titled his plan – The Plebs Are F*cked – so he’s not wrong. He’s right. Economically very far right. He’s a Brexiter don’t you know. So he’s hasn’t got a clue mate. Good luck.”

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Only the Conservatives can be trusted with siphoning off taxpayers’ money, claims Rishi Sunak

THE ELECTION COUNTDOWN STARTS HERE: Roll out the clichés, massage the figures until they squeak, and gaslight at mark 9. Like American fast food, the results are cheap, empty, superficially attractive, and utterly lacking in substance. 

Chancellor Rishi Sunak has delivered a budget to disappoint almost everyone. An inadequate tinkering with tax and NI thresholds is expected when the economy is ticking over nicely. However, when the economy is about to go tits up like an enthusiastic tart, it’s like trying to stop the tide coming in using a bucket and spade. 

But it’s all about good housekeeping. “My hands are tied,” claimed Sunak, gesticulating mildly. “I can’t create money out of thin air. Well, actually, I can, but I won’t, because that would mean raising taxes, which I refuse to do, even though I’ve just done it.” 

Tory logic at its finest. Sunak will clearly go a long way. 

“There simply isn’t enough cash in the system to pay for the profiteering we have sanctioned,” Sunak continued. “International pressures have forced us to sanction some of our own personal income streams, and I had to write off billions of pounds worth of covid loans because otherwise the recipients would have kicked off. So, you see, there’s nothing left in the kitty.” 

Yet still he peddles the old line about being trustworthy with the public purse. 

‘You can trust the Conservatives to look after taxpayers’ money in their offshore accounts,” Sunak claimed triumphantly. “Look, countless billions, safely stashed away, gaining interest, and safely out of the reach of HMRC! The Exchequer is out there, resting in a million untraceable accounts! It warms the cockles, and earns just enough to cover my gas bill.” 

OK, but what about the rest of us, whose hard work created that stash? 

“Not my responsibility,” he claimed. “If you can’t get by, get another job, choose better parents, or marry a rich girl. Just like me!” 

He grinned toothily, and observers could have sworn that there was a little ‘ping’ that accompanied the glinting teeth. 

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APPLAUSE as U.K. debates cost of living crisis for days without mentioning BREXIT

HEAD IN SAND SPECIALISTS : UK NEWS MEDIA AND POLITICIANS FROM ACROSS THE POLITICAL DIVIDE are said to be “ebullient” and “tumescent with anticipation” of awards after spending days obsessing over the cost of living CRISIS without mentioning Brexit.

The economic crisis has been building for a long time, some would say since 2010 when Tory economic illiterates grabbed the wheel of state again, succeeded again and again by people even more illiterate and extreme. Now at last we’ve arrived at Destination Shafted and the man at the wheel spends more on hoodies for staged photographs than most people spend on food each year.

“It’s been a tour de force of news casting on Radio 4 and across the major papers,” a keen eyed observer observed keenly. “Labour have been careful not to mention the B word too. One or two opposition politicians may have, but everyone thinks they got away with it.”

Clearly the pandemic has had a massive impact and now Putin’s decision to jump horses from plague to war, but Brexit is there like a shit supercharger supercharging our economic shit. Just don’t talk about it.

“We won, get over it,” the observer nods. “That’s all there is to Brexit. The fact the bonfire of regulations turned out to be actually a red tape puppy farm breeding inbred monsters of paperwork has nothing to do with it, or the cost of living crisis.”

And consistency can be expected, even as the food and fuel poverty drags millions into despair, because to mention Brexit would be to suggest it was the daftest decision taken by a sovereign country in a very long time.

“We’ve got to pull together as a team. Politicians and news media. You make Brexit work by just ignoring it and completely removing it from any discussions about how to handle the cost of living crisis. Oh and the coming food crisis as the bread basket of Europe goes up in flames.”

We can all just be thankful that the elephant in the room is silent, even as its giant arse continues to spread across pretty much everything. We can make a success of it, by only by remaining silent.

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A picture paints a 1000 turds – Sunak to pose for photographer as cost of living crisis bites

STARING INTO THE SHADED POOL OF WATER AND FALLING IN LOVE : THE UK’S RICHEST CHANCELLOR EVER, RISHI SUNAK, has made moves to combat the reputation he is gaining that he knows nothing of what it is like for “real people”.

“It’s total bollocks, baby,” Rishi Sunak said in a pre-recorded video released to the press, noteworthy for the quality of the camera angles and lighting. In particular the way the light brushes the heavy grip gel holding his hair in just the right curve. “My professional photographers are real people. Totally. Not one android among them.”

The video will cause waves next door in 10 Downing Street though where a bloated whale carcass floats aimlessly on the tide of history wondering who will be first to carve him up. It is also thought to have worsened an already tense relationship with Foreign Secretary Liz Truss.

“Those two have been at daggers drawn since Sunak allegedly paid well over the odds for the services of Ms Truss’s social media account manager. You can’t just poach each other’s staff like that, even if the public is footing the bill.”

In spite of the squabbling amongst the cabinet ministers the real concern for the public will be the cost of living crisis.

“It’s going to get a lot worse but Sunak will do something about it,” a source inside the Exchequer tells LCD Views. “He’s pledging millions to ensure his makeover and photography team have the tools needed to present him as a stylish friend of the plebs. And you can expect some eye catching gimmicks too. Remember Eat Out to Help Out? You know the scheme to pay people to catch a deadly virus while eating some piri-piri chicken? The next scheme will be more cannibalism focused to reflect the catastrophic impact of 12 years of Tory mismanagement of the country and its vital infrastructure.”

But Sunak won’t have it all his own way, he can expect protests even as he vaguely tries to pretend to care about whether or not people are hungry.

“Some union leaders are planning to go on breathless rants on Radio 4 to show how heavy the opposition is,” the source notes. “This is to follow up their support of Brexit. The UK is world leading in the vibrancy and calibre of its political classes. Just look about you.”

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Money solves nothing, says millionaire raising taxes and cutting benefits

LOVE OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL: And it’s vital that The People are weaned off their addiction to cash. Tax rises and benefit cuts are for their own good. 

Factor in the increases in the price of food and fuel, and most of the British population will be going cold turkey. After all, who needs money? The government, after all, employs world beating experts on financial matters. They hoard all the dosh, on behalf of the rest of us. And it’s all for our own good. 

The foremost expert, naturally, has an enormous quantity of money, but this merely qualifies him to tell us how unimportant it is. 

“Money solves nothing,” announced the millionaire, Rishi Sunak, during his pre-budget pre-leak pre-speech. “OK, so it helps to keep a roof over your head, and food on the table, and other such luxuries. It’s time that the British people learned to find new ways to survive. After all, our distant ancestors didn’t have money, and they survived! Just about.” 

Making life unnecessarily difficult for millions of people is simply doing them a favour. 

“Like many other people, I get bored easily,” Sunak explained. “Money doesn’t help, to be honest. It’s like a test, to see if you can negotiate a set of hurdles. It’s like teaching a lab rat to dance a polka, and rewarding them with food. It’s good to have a challenge!” 

If that’s so, then how come it doesn’t apply to a millionaire who is married to a billionaire? 

“I have a hobby!” said Sunak. “It occupies a great deal of my time. I would recommend everyone to get a hobby, once they have worked out how to survive and thrive with absolutely no resources!” 

And what is this hobby of yours? 

“Raising taxes and cutting benefits!” he said. “It keeps me nicely busy.”

And presumably working out how to stop Russian funds ever reaching anyone who might actually need them. 

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“Just a mystery everything has gone to hell under Boris” – Downing Street inquiry

SEEING IS BELIEVING : 10 DOWNING STREET have released the details of a long awaited public inquiry into the impact of Prime Minister Boris Johnson on standards of living in the United Kingdom, and it makes for comforting reading for the PM.

“There have been some murmurings from traitors in recent weeks that it’s Mr Johnson’s fault that everything is going to hell in a handcart,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, as he revealed the single A4 sheet of paper comprising the report into living standards.

“After an exhaustive wine and cheese event, during which living standards were discussed, we can reassure everyone that nothing is the fault of Boris. And all that Russian cash in Tory coffers has had no impact on decision making for over a decade. Also the decision to scale back green incentives some years back left us well placed to ramp them up in the current crisis.”

It is hoped the findings will help put paid to suggestions that the PM is terrible at governance, couldn’t really give a toss about your lives and surrounds himself with yes people who are more interested in wasting your money on professional photographers for social media postings then actually working out how to stop everything from the cost of living to plagues ruining your lives.

“Mr Johnson is deeply, deeply committed to the wellbeing of all of his subjects,” the spokesman affirmed. “Just look at how the stars aligned for that woman who was held prisoner for years in Iran. What was her name? Anyway, the details aren’t important. The moment we needed Iranian gas and oil she was free! See how the stars align under Boris!”

To celebrate the findings 10 Downing Street is planning a billboard campaign called “It’s a lovely day tomorrow”, which will place prominent images of happy, smiling people above the queues for food banks.

“The ruinous rise in heating costs is another example of the magic of the PM,” the spokesman added. “If you’re in the energy sector and wholesale prices are 1/3 of your costs you get to multiply those costs by the hundreds of percent and completely drain away the last financial reserves of the public. But the media will help you look elsewhere. In this way Mr Johnson can enjoy his champagne while sat on his gold toilet.”

As to what is causing everything to deteriorate, now that we know it isn’t the lies and incompetence of the government, the spokesman has some reassurance.

“It’s a complete mystery, but we suspect it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”