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Mark Francois to “step back” from front line politics to prepare leadership challenge

THE FESTERING SEASON : Global Britain’s most powerful political brain is to take a “step back” from front line politics to focus on his Tory Party leadership challenge.

Speculation has been building for some time over who will replace failed Prime Minister Boris Johnson, with most commentators proving themselves not up to the task of forecasting.

Highly paid MSM buffoons have pinned Brexit Superwoman Liz Truss as the likely successor, but what do they know?

“It’s clear Britain is crying out for a Spartan to lead the country after Boris Johnson delivered a botched Brexit which allowed the EU to continue existing,” a source close to the Mark “rehabilitated after hiding for months for a mysterious reason” Francois told LCD Views.

How the smallest man in Parliament is still in Parliament is a problem for future generations to solve, what is important now is when Mr Francois strikes the killing blow.

“It’s likely Mark will make his move after finishing a box set of ‘Dad’s Army’ on Boxing Day,” the source advises. “Boris Johnson will not see it coming. He will be hiding behind his desk watching the door for Raab, Truss or Patel to storm in when he will see nothing but the door being pushed ajar. Mr Francois’ tiny stature means he will walk in under the PM’s eye line.”

It’s not yet known who Mr Francois will choose to serve in his first cabinet, but allies are hopeful he will pick a range of British grown potatoes and turnips, so he doesn’t feel intellectually overshadowed.

“The EU doesn’t know what is coming down the line. It’s the fist of fury with Elgar playing and it’s holding a stick of willow covered in red cherries. Mark once spent a weekend in the Territorials cleaning lavatories with a toothbrush after being wedgied. Every moment of Mark’s life has been building to this one turning point in history. He will restore the pride Mr Johnson has squandered in the famous British sense of humour.”

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Favourite to succeed Lord Frost as Brexit Secretary ruled out after passing IQ test

ANYONE SMART ENOUGH TO DO BREXIT WOULDN’T : BAD NEWS for 10 Downing Street after an otherwise excellent week. Shortly before midday news leaked that the Prime Minister’s favourite to replace Lord Frost as Brexit Secretary had been ruled out.

The decision to bin No 1 on the “Most Wanted” list of candidates was made after a catastrophic failure in the vetting process. It had been assumed that the candidate, who is certainly smart enough to be a Tory MP in Boris Johnson’s Britain, and definitely “cabinet grade” was a dead cert. Even though they are definitely dead and lacking a central nervous system or the ability to imagine the inner lives of people their decisions harm.

“The boss is gutted,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He assumed that employing his pick for the job of Brexit Secretary was a mere formality. He was continuing the tradition of individuals chosen for the post since the first Brexit Secretary, David Davis. Now he has to start all over again. It’s going to need some serious drinking to choose the next candidate.”

Questions over what could possibly have ruled out the candidate who is said to contain “no discernible moral compass and a total disregard for the Northern Irish peace process” have been flying around the Westminster village, but LCD Views has the scoop.

“They asked the candidate to sit an IQ test,” our chief Downing Street correspondent can reveal. “This was just a PR exercise in order to impress Brussels. But it’s backfired spectacularly after the 500gms of minced meat passed the test with flying colours. This is not exactly a shock as the test was designed specifically so anyone willing to take the job of Brexit Secretary could pass it. It seems they need to dumb it down further, or raise the bar higher, no one is sure because they’re too thick to work it out. But a packet of minced meat is too smart for the job, of that we can be certain.”

Responding to the reports David Davis’ office issued a statement saying that the image chosen to accompany this article is not a portrait of himself. Shortly after Dominic Raab, Steve Barclay and Lord Frost communicated identical statements to clarify the situation.

“It looks too smart to be any of us anyway,” one of them added.

All is not lost however. The Prime Minister’s office has already completed the process of giving the meat a peerage and Lord Meat of Mince will join the other amazing individuals that Mr Johnson has placed in the Lords. His contributions to the debates in the Upper House are expected to exceed in worth all of the others combined.

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Prevention is better than cure, says man selling LFTs

HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL: Egg-headed Health Secretary Sajid Javid is preaching to the unvaccinated again. Get jabbed, is his message, unless you don’t feel like it, in which case I have some Lateral Flow Tests to sell you.

In a statement which demonstrates his remarkable humanity, The Saj applauds those who do not accept vaccination. This, he says, shows an extraordinary selflessness, by leaving more vaccinations available for the feeble minded sheeple who insist on having them.

Prevention may be better than cure, but the corollary of that is that prevention is a lot less profitable. Nobody got rich by closing borders and giving away LFTs. Infect the public, create a market. That’s the mantra. Remember, Granny died in order to stimulate the economy. It’s a noble sacrifice, on a par with all those innocent young men who perished in the trenches for Britain.

Then, as now, we are being ruled by the finest specimens that the Upper Classes and the Public School system can produce. It’s the Charge Of The Light Brigade, only with viruses, not cannonballs. Dulce et decorum est, pro Boris Johnson mori.

However, there is a small problem with reducing the population to zero. There would be nobody to buy these totally reliable LFTs. And with a success rate of 52%, that’s absolutely overwhelming, and nothing at all like tossing a coin.

Remember, says The Saj, although prevention may be better than cure, it’s far too late for that now. All that is left is the profit motive, and a reminder that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Take that, long covid! Old wives’ tales beat facts hands down any day.

After all, if you are not actually dead, then there is no reason to skive off work or claim Universal Credit. All you need is one negative LFT and you’re good to go.

And we all know what happened to Humpty Dumpty.

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Government to assume powers to correct any mistakes made by democracy

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR LAWS: The government is to award itself special powers to amend any democratic acts that it believes should be overturned. These powers, we are assured, will only be used in times of national emergency.

Quite what constitutes a ‘national emergency’ was only very loosely defined in the draft white paper circulated by purveyors of satirical content. But the obvious takeaway is that the government now regards ‘democracy’ as agreeing with its own stated position.

By contrast, any dissent will be regarded as undemocratic. Great strides have already been made in this direction by the government’s very own bulldog, Priti Patel. Protesting, being poor, and having a Woke attitude are already in her sights. As is the right of the government to override any laws which they don’t like.

The prevailing attitude is summed up by the aptly named Joy Morrissey. “What do judges know anyway?” she fumed. “Were they ELECTED? No! So they can stick their UNELECTED noses out of our business!”

But Patel goes even further. Following the debacle in North Staffordshire, she now wants the right to overturn election results.

Obviously, The People no longer know what they are voting for, or they would have voted for Boris in their droves. After all, they voted once, in 2019, and gave Johnson an overwhelming mandate of 60% of the seats on only 40% of the votes. There is no need to ask them again.

Democracy Got Done. Like Brexit. Like the British people. Anyone even suspected of voting Lib Dem will be rounded up and sent back to wherever they came from. And for any smart alecks who say they come from Birmingham, well there’s a Birmingham on Ascension Island waiting for them.

So the business of running the country down may proceed uninterrupted by any threat to remove MPs from their posts.

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BREAKING : Waxwork of man at Madame Tussauds melting even though it’s on display in a fridge

IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME : Alarming news today that famous London tourist hotspot Madame Tussauds is in lockdown after a malfunction in a cooling system. While the number of exhibits affected by the loss of cooling is limited to one, it’s said to be a very contemporary and important figurine.

“It’s understood that shortly after 10pm last night the waxwork of a famous con artist in the Rogue’s Gallery began melting. The temperature on the display fridge was immediately lowered to zero degrees celsius, but to no avail,” our correspondent reports.

“Baker Street rotten fruit sellers are threatened with bankruptcy,” a source close to the museum also told LCD Views. “If the waxwork of the famous shyster can’t be saved then what will the rotten tomato sellers do? Except perhaps resell their fruit as fresh to Britain’s struggling supermarket chains.”

While it’s not known which personality is melting sources close to the fridge say it’s a likeness of a man with a body like a sack of potatoes and hair like a burning haystack. He is believed to be active in both politics and journalism and subject of false claims that he is writing a Shakespeare biography?

10 Downing Street have added to the mystery surrounding the “ongoing kakistostrophe” by issuing a denial that the melting figure is not the Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“Staff at Madam Tussauds have seized on this as a ray of light,” our source comments. “If it’s the actual PM melting and not the waxwork than the loss will in reality be a gain.”

It’s said that before long it will be known if that is the case.

“Our model is 100% wax. Boris Johnson has feet of clay. We will know soon enough if it’s actually him melting as only the feet will be left.”

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The FIVE signs you may have the OMICRON VARIANT

FESTIVE SEASON SPECIAL : WORKING OUT WHAT VARIANT OF THE PLAGUE is in your home is one of the new must do past times for Global Britons. Whatever maybe said about the quality of leadership of the UK Government during the pandemic, no one can accuse them of being out of touch with viral fashions.

“It’s about synergy,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “You can not keep justifying awarding mates of ministers multi-million pound PPE and testing contracts if we don’t have the latest variant in house, so to speak. We’re world leaders in the rapid import of each new strain, assuming we haven’t cooked it up at home. In that case we’re world leading exporters. This is what winning for Global Britons looks like. Import and export of CV-19 strains. No one can touch us and increasingly no one wants to.”

But it’s not just ministers that are keen to be seen with the latest pathogens, ordinary hardworking Brits are conscious of staying up to date with the latest developments in the pandemic too.

LCD Views has studied the literature available and put together the FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE THE OMICRON VARIANT.

It’s very straightforward.

1. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes that you are odds on to have OMICRON right now!

If you’re unsure than all you need to do is put together a list of your symptoms, which leads us onto…

2. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Anyone who doubted that a shambolic and emotionally retarded clown couldn’t manage the pandemic to ensure his voters have the MUST HAVE variant need look no further than the reading on their latest digital thermometer. If the temperature is rising you know who’s in Downing Street.

3. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes and you don’t have symptoms of today’s newest bit of rampant RNA than don’t worry, you’re probably asymptomatic and can ensure the non-availability of testing will help you keep your community current. Even if you can get a test if is just possible it’s with a company that has no prior experience in the field but had the right member of the PM’s government in their contact book.

4. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Look no further than your bedsheets. They’ll be damp, dirty and in need of changing in no time. But not because you’ve been busy between the sheets, if you know what we mean. A microbe is though, replicating like mad inside your cells. Nice.

And lastly, but certainly not least, we come to the fifth sign that almost guarantees you have the latest in viral loads.

5. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? You can’t keep a good man down and there is nothing your Prime Minister won’t do to ensure you’re a card carrying member of the platinum club. If platinum means years of attritional anxiety to the point where the most minor of physical comforts has you fearing it’s all over. Just pack those kids off to school and wait for them to come home talking about the class mate in the unfiltered air with the cough.

Take the day off from worry. Take ten days off consecutively. If you answered yes to one or all of our straightforward questions than you can be sure if you don’t have OMICRON today, you will tomorrow. World beating.

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BREAKING : Signs of imminent lockdown after Downing Street advertises for private “Party Planner”

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS : GREAT NEWS FOR THE STRUGGLING ENTERTAINMENT AND HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY IN ENGLAND TODAY after 10 Downing Street advertised overnight for an official Party Planner.

The position which has a start date of “Sometime in the coming week or two” brings with it an impressive salary and raft of benefits and the chance to “polish your reputation as the go to person in England to organise a secret balls [up]”.

But critics of the decision have rounded on 10 Downing Street and said that the pay on offer is too high. Although they were happy overall with the decision as “laughing in the face of the populace is a necessary function of Johnson’s style of government”.

“£140K a year to work for the Johnson’s?” one Tory backbencher commented. “By the time you’re through you’ll be as credible as Stratton. It’s essentially an advertisement to sacrifice your dignity and credibility. Why am I only paid £80K to do it when I have to work five days some weeks? This is a slap in the face with a wet party popper to Tory MPs who sacrifice their integrity for tens of thousands of pounds less each year. Either we get an invitation to the parties during the next lockdown or a pay bump. It’s one or the other. The Prime Minister must decide or we’ll claim to set up a research group and milk the public purse to fund it.”

But supporters of the Prime Minister have claimed the new role must be filled immediately as he’s “screwed the pooch so thoroughly again” when it comes to the pandemic.

“Herd immunity via natural infection is still the bedrock of England’s pandemic policy,” one noted. “It’s hardly something to party over. The NHS is yet to collapse under the strain because old Bojo doesn’t have the guts to push through. He pulls out each time, which is not what we expect of him given his personal history. Ask any of his girlfriends or mistresses.”

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UK to move to a points based human rights system

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR HUMAN RIGHTS: Home Secretary Priti Patel is thinking about the best way to uncouple human rights from the wicked EU. The European Convention on Human Rights must be abandoned, simply because it contains the word ‘European’. 

In its place, she is proposing a points based human rights system. The more points you get, the more human rights you are entitled to. 

Points will be awarded, or deducted, according to criteria drawn up by Patel herself. The whole system will, of course, be means tested. 

“It’s only fair,” said Patel minion Ozzie Rules. “People without sufficient means will not be entitled to claim rights, you don’t get something for nothing round here!” 

Rules disclosed that points could be earned on the basis of income, history of  right wing activism, and level of donations to the Conservative Party. Conversely, points would be lost for regional accents, having brown skin, and undisguised intellectual and cognitive ability. 

“This is all part of our levelling up strategy,” boasted Rules. “Rights must be earned, not assumed. Britain has been a soft touch for too long. You cannot simply enter British waters and expect to be treated as a human. The same applies if you’re from The North, which means outside the M25. There will be exceptions, for example if you fall into the ‘Rich as Rishi’ bracket.”

There is a special category for EU nationals living in the UK. They will automatically accrue minus infinity human rights points, meaning they may be herded on to flimsy boats and pushed out to sea by Border Force officials. 

The right to work for a decent wage may be earned. Official estimates show that only 60 years of unpaid work may be needed. Extra points may be earned by doffing your cap to your liege lord. 

Resistance is feudal! I mean, futile! 

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Now is not the time to change Prime Minister, says Boris Johnson

CHANGE TOMORROW, CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT NEVER CHANGE TODAY: It’s time to move on. No, not Boris Johnson, but all this talk about him being obliged to resign as Crime Minister.

The charge sheet against Johnson is truly world beating. Botched Brexit deal, inadequate and negligent covid response, breaking the rules, lying, permitting shit in rivers, changing the rules to exonerate a guilty MP, and of course a hundred crimes against fashion. But the work must still get done, and Boris Johnson is the man to ignore it. “I can’t step down now, I’m in the middle of Prime Ministering,” is the official line.

“I see no reason to even suggest this,” said the man himself, in a remarkable five seconds of relative lucidity. “Do you not realise, ipso facto, yes, yes, yes, no, well, of course, that the suggestion is, erm, erm, erm, ridiculous, I’m sorry if you feel that my performance is not up to your Woke expectations, semper eadem, wiff waff, pull the other one, West Ham United nil.”

That clarifies matters enormously.

“Now is not the time!” thundered Johnson decisively, reaching for a go-to catchphrase. “You don’t change urinals mid-stream, if you cut off one head another always grows backwards, never make a promise to a filly that you intend to keep! I will see this job through if it kills you!”

He has a point, though quite what this point is seems to elude him.

Who would we get if Johnson did go? Billionaire man-of-the-people Sunak? Gove, the eternal Brutus? Or the latest pork market-fancying empty vessel, Truss? The lack of depth in the cabinet is truly world beating.

It is possible that Johnson has accidentally reversed into the truth. Maybe now is not the time. Maybe he should be given enough rope, so that he will metaphorically hang himself.

And then we can hang him out to dry.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson to re-announce plans for a bridge to Northern Ireland at midday

LOOK INTO MY EYES : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to “set eyes swivelling” at midday today with the announcement of a major new infrastructure programme.

As the nation stops for lunch Mr Johnson will be beamed into homes from 10 Downing Street with a gravy stain carefully positioned on his crumpled white shirt.

“We’re not yet clear if the sleeves will be rolled up or a creased and incorrectly sized, ill-fitting suit jacket worn for the broadcast,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But the message will be vintage Johnson. His hair is being prepared as we speak and a dollop of cranberry sauce smeared across a nearby rug to get social media theorising about bloodstains and spread the message.”

The timing of the re-announcement of the intention to construct a bridge between Scotland and Ireland has some Tory backbenchers nervous though. And not because their chums will get the cash for the latest feasibility study.

“Some are saying that he’s out of ideas. The the timing of the re-announcement of an already binned, fantastical bridge project is just to distract from the fact we’re still pursuing herd immunity via natural infection and the NHS is about to collapse. Nothing could be further from the truth. The PM is a dreamer. This is a dream. Admittedly it now feels decidedly feverish.”

The broadcast is thought to be part of an “image reset” as Mr Johnson seeks to get news of a “bacchanalian orgy of classical proportions” held at 10 Downing Street last Christmas off the front pages.

“This will get everyone going,” the source enthuses. “Just don’t think about all the dead people because Johnson couldn’t be arsed to have an argument with some sociopathic Tory MPs who think face masks are an affront to their liberty. Conservative MPs must be free to indirectly kill constituents with sociopathic policy or what’s the point of being in government?”

A date for the construction of the bridge hasn’t been decided, but the destination is obvious already.

“Nowhere. That’s where the bridge is going.”