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Man who never wanted to be PM close to achieving his goal

SO YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION : Lifelong Europhile and all round fan of freedom of movement and the single market, multi-millionaire, career politician, Jeremy Corbyn, has allowed release yesterday of two key pillars in his plan to achieve a long held goal.

“It’s the bull’s horns of electoral triangulation,” an occasional observer of the LOTO said, while bracing for incoming fire,

“to have released on the same day you’ll stand down if you lose the next GE, thus making masses of swing voters wonder what’s the point? Do you really want it?

“Alongside the voters that actually want you to bugger off and Labour have a broadly electable leader, thus giving them a solid reason to vote Green, Libdem, Plaid or SNP?

“While also teasing your fans, some of whom maybe wavering, with the knowledge this is your last shot to elect the messiah…so you better do it?”

No one will have any idea what to think and everyone will argue over their interpretations of the information, which will presumably be modified or contradicted by other sources.

“It’s very clever. It’s divisive. Getting those that think no blame can ever be attached to you arguing with those that think the presumed PM in waiting should be able to stand critique? Genius. It keeps the never ending sense of struggle never ending.”

Potentially unhelpful in broader terms though.

“In what? This is about defending the 99% against the 1%.”

Ah, I’m too cynical. What was the other horn?

“That’s to release details of where you’ll be on the 19th October, potentially one of the most explosive days in UK politics for a generation? That’s a masterclass of deflection from your real objective of getting a sensible Brexit achieved, while getting to blame it all on the Tories.”

But he will be in Westminster on the 19th.

“For a bit before apparently buggering off to hold a rally in Liverpool the same afternoon. Parliamentary business won’t take long if Johnson brings back a deal from the EU leaders summit. How dare you question the leader! You Tory shill!”

Um. Parliamentary business maybe all day and night…unless this whole article is rendered largely obsolete by the opposition parties coordinating to stitch up Johnson with his bogus Queen’s Speech this week.

“Ah. Yes. Let’s hope they’re planning to do that. I’m sure they’re all going to stop their GE positioning long enough to do that.”

But you know how you can totally destroy the Tories and prove Jezza wants to be PM?

“How?”

By fighting them where they’re weakest. Fight them on Brexit. The hard right, tax dodger’s charter promising a demolished economy and shredded worker’s protections while also isolating the country, dismembering it region by region and emboldening the far right. As it’s plain as the nose on your face after several years, there is no ‘Sensible Brexit’, just like there wasn’t a ‘Jobs First Brexit’.

“Oh, we will do anything to defeat the 1%, but we won’t do that.”

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Tory Story : Boris Johnson and EU close to deal which means Brexit lasts to infinity and beyond

FOREVER ISN’T THAT LONG IN GEOLOGICAL TERMS : The news wires have been buzzing for the last forty eight hours with rumours of a potential breakthrough in Brexit talks.

“This is a necessary build up before the inevitable breakdown,” our embedded Brexit reporter observers, “it’s international politics in the style of reality TV.”

But news earlier today that the EU 27 had green lighted more intensive negotiations really got people hoping the ERG are ready to scupper their own aims once again.

“Talk of going into the tunnel sounded particularly ominous earlier today,” our reporter observes, “with some fearing that the GE posturing of the British opposition parties, as opposed to bringing down the Johnson criminal shitshower while they can, may even lead to Boris Johnson getting the great Brexit swindle done. Which would be grisly in the extreme, as Brexit will thus never end. As in, to infinity and beyond Brexit. But without any of the affection, humour or fun of Buzz Lightyear.”

But of course anxiety should be tempered with the awareness that no Brexit deal has ever survived contact with either oxygen or sunlight.

“To get a deal agreed with the EU Boris Johnson will have to convince the ERG, DUP and other headbangers, all with different agendas, that they’re going for a ride on his big red bus of lies and they’re all going to like it. That’s hard to pull off. And then the mass of now independent MPs and Labour, Libdems, SNP and Green would have to sufficiently get behind it. Do you want to deliver Brexit for Boris?”

All that considered, it looks like the Tory Story of Brexit has some way to run.

“Let’s just hope the opposition has a few surprises lined up next week when Johnson has his Queen’s speech. That way enough parliamentarians will be able to credibly look at the electorate and say, you’ve got a friend in me.”

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Economic illiteracy is for poor people – Dyson’s cancelled electric car project explained

PATRIOTIC PROJECT MANAGEMENT : The UK’s favourite businessman, and all round potatriot, James Dyson has successfully cancelled his much lauded electric car project, after investing billions.

https://news.sky.com/story/james-dyson-cancels-electric-car-project-11832275

“No one should draw any correlation to Brexit,” an imagined James Dyson said, “just because I’ve moved pretty much my whole show to Singapore is not a sign of my lack of faith in the economic viability of Project Brexit either. The UK should continue to pour billions into that, clearly, the food bank sector for one will greatly benefit. Should millions of hungry mouths eventually lead to a more tax friendly corporate environment I’ll be more than happy to become more patriotic again. You will ultimately all see a benefit of this political stitch up. Especially if you like marching about in uniforms. I don’t have a grudge against the EU for purely personal reasons.”

Helpful reassurance.

Especially helpful is the assertion that no correlation should be drawn between Dyson cancelling a project, years in, that has proven to be economically illiterate, and Brexit. Which has also proven to be not only economically illiterate, but culturally, politically, diplomatically and politically.

Dyson went on to add,

“Brexit is not a political failure, or a failure of the Brexit and Lexit teams. If you’ve been paying attention you would have realised they are closely interconnected. Just have a look at the voting in the failed 2011 attempt to get an IN/OUT referendum and then tell me you’re not being played.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2011/oct/25/mp-voted-for-eu-referendum

“This news of my cancelled car project will be wilfully ignored by anyone pushing Brexit. So too any other evidence that they’re idiots who are doing wilful damage to the UK for ideological aims.

“We are working to quickly find alternative roles within Europe for as many once viable British industries as possible. We have sufficient bank accounts to absorb any of the loss of personal freedoms and opportunities Brexit will entail for poor people.

“For those who cannot, or do not wish to, live in a wonderland of creeping fascism, we will laugh at them when the toilet paper shortages hit.”

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Farage nominates Putin as caretaker prime minister of GNU

STRONG MEN : Nigel Farage has involved himself in the endless negotiations between opposition parties over who should be the UK’s caretaker PM.

“Why shouldn’t a limited company have a say? It would be undemocratic not to let a limited company without a manifesto decide something as important as this,” the sole member of the Brexit Party stated, “we need someone who really believes in Brexit. So I’m nominating a well known Russian friend of Britain.”

Quite what the other politicians involved in negotiations will make of Farage’s pick remains to be seen.

“You’ve all heard the stories of figures closely linked to numerous Tory MPs having their pockets shoved full with Russian cash. And MPs having their pockets shoved full by friends of the regime. I expect those Tory MPs to vote as expected. So that’s near a majority.”

It’s fair to say that in many ways Farage’s pick isn’t a surprise. The Russian leader is high on the list of who benefits most from Brexit, regardless of what he may or may not have done to help in the referendum.

But some have expressed surprise that Mr Farage didn’t nominate himself, as you don’t have to be an MP to do it.

“No. No. Now that wouldn’t suit me at all,” he responded, “I’d have to actually do some work. You know, turn up for the paycheque. Well, actually, looking at Mr Johnson’s activities since becoming PM they may not be entirely correct. But it’s still too great a risk. Better it someone else. I don’t want to have to cut down on my rabble rousing just because there’s been a flood in Kent.”

Maybe the guy dressed as a dolphin, that famously beat Farage in a GE, would be a better pick?

Or Lord Buckethead.

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“Why not break both your legs?” – Clean Break Brexit enthusiasts choose campaign slogan

THE WHOLE WORLD IS A STAGE AND WE ARE MERELY STAGGERING ACROSS IT : Enthusiastic Brexit pushers have reached new heights of fetishisation in their desire to do harm to all and sundry, now demanding a ‘Clean Break Brexit’, and to help themselves they’ve settled on a campaign slogan.

“Now, now, let me speak,” a hard Brexit pusher demanded, while speaking, “Why not break both your legs? Is a perfectly sensible question. Especially, and I want to make this absolutely clear, your legs are currently functioning perfectly well and are unbroken.”

The adoption of the slogan is certain to help push their agenda of radicalising credulous types into certain danger, and self harm, for being just a few words long. Easy to remember. Easy to repeat.

“And it draws on famous theatrical tropes,” the pusher said, “Break a leg! Who in the entertainment business, which I am, doesn’t want to do that?”

Critics of the slogan have been quick to point out that even breaking one leg is foolish, especially if you have a choice not to, and two legs is just insane.

“Fifth columnist saboteurs in the pay of Junker!” The pusher hit back, “for far too long good, honest, hardworking British men and women have been walking around doing Brussel’s bidding on both their legs. Let’s see how Merkel likes it when we can’t walk! Let’s see whose plaster and splint manufacturers are booming then! And with no need for exports to have a thriving, broken bone based, nationally focused, global economy!”

While various swivel eyed Tory MPs are certain to get behind the campaign and volunteer to break poorer people’s legs for Brexit, some have demurred.

Rory Stewart has suggested that one broken arm Brexit, and a mild ankle strain, combined with an infected, ingrown toenail would be preferable. Nick Boles has weighed in to support the call. Likewise other Tory ‘rebels’ ejected from the party by fracturer in chief, Johnson, on the grounds they just weren’t kamikaze enough. They will continue to make their case for limited harm to the national body, while little voices inside them scream.

Labour MPs have also lent both their criticism and support. Certain Labour Lexit MPs have written to the EU asking it to break just one leg for us, as that will leave their constituents still able to hop and hobble about after Brexit, and besides it’s all the Tories fault for starting it. Their job as opposition MPs is to both go along with, and appear to oppose, the national act of self-harm. This will help unify the nation, after cheering it on to unknown amounts of damage.

Who will ultimately triumph, and just how much plaster you will be wearing, may come down to a referendum on the issue. Do you want one broken leg, or two? Or do you actually think not breaking your legs is better?

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Queen to perform medley instead of Queen’s speech

Her Majesty the Queen will not make a traditional Queen’s Speech this time around, the Palace has revealed. Strange times call for strange measures, so instead Her Majesty will perform a medley of her greatest hits.

Palace spokesman Kurt C. Nicely fleshed out the detail for LCD Views.

“Her Majesty will set the tone with a rousing chorus of Killer Queen,” he said. “One’s a killer Queen, gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser beam, and guaranteed to blow your mind. Any time. Sort of appropriate, don’t you think?”

We were eager to know which other songs made up the medley.

“One’s Going Slightly Mad,” replied Nicely. “One Wants It All. Another One Bites The Dust. Brexitian Rhapsody. One Will Rock You. And to finish with, One Wants To Break Free. Finally, Brian May will play God Save The Queen on the roof of Buck House.”

One wants to break free from the lies, you’re so self-satisfied, one doesn’t need you. Sounds like a manifesto for change.

Nicely confirms that Her Majesty’s famous dogs will be in attendance. “If Paul McCartney can have a Frog Chorus, Her Majesty can have a Corgi Chorus,” he claims.

But Nicely refused to confirm that the Queen was intending to include the lesser known track Death On Two Legs as a riposte to Boris Johnson.

Rumours that the Queen will grow a moustache, don a leotard and prance about her parlour in a suggestive manner have been greatly exaggerated.

“That would be ridiculous!” said Nicely. “Her Majesty doesn’t want headlines saying Lady-o Ga Ga, does she?”

Unfortunately, none of this has any bearing on the government’s future plans. But since the only plans on the table are crash out, call an election, Escape From The Swamp and bugger off sharpish, it doesn’t really matter.

Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters to one.

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Downing Street publishes photos of people who aren’t responsible for the mess that is Brexit

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE : David Cameron, Jacob Rees-mogg, Theresa May. Daniel Hannan, Liam Fox, Priti Patel, David Davis and Dominic Raab are said to be fuming tonight after being excluded from a list of people not responsible for the mess that is Brexit.

“David and Theresa, both David’s, are especially peeved as they washed their hands of the entire debacle and walked away. Thus it can’t be their fault in anyway that the UK is currently a massive bin fire as a result of some idiots pursuing Brexit,” a source inside the government said.

But it’s not only Tories that are upset.

Several in the Labour leadership, and on the front bench, are also put out.

“Look, look, multi-millionaire, career politician Jeremy Corbyn didn’t call for the immediate triggering of Article 50 on the 24th June 2016 just to be ignored.”

Fair, but controversial play.

“Surprisingly for an MP who’s been in the House of Commons for nearly four decades, he’s managed to make bugger all impact on the legislature. Brexit is his chance. That’s why he whipped to trigger Article 50, after the courts had ruled parliament had to be involved. And also whipped to help defeat the SNP amendment earlier this year that would have ruled out any chance of a No Deal Brexit. He needs to be recognised. It’s plainly baffling why some yellow Tories, Labour MPs and actual Tories won’t back him as caretaker PM. What with his strong record of opposing the government on Brexit.”

And the fury at being excluded extends to business.

“Tim Martin is said to be gammon red at not being on the list. As he’s only a pub landlord he’s got nothing to do with Brexit politics. Neither James Dyson or that Brexit pushing billionaire which owns INEOS who recently offshored.”

But while the controversy of whose fault the mess definitely isn’t is certain to be vigorous, at least we can all rest peacefully knowing that Prime Minister and his pal Gove are not in anyway to blame.

“It was the Germans. The Irish. That Polish guy remainers adore. All them. And the millions protesting who’ve been saying stop it before it’s too late. It’s their fault. Not the actual members of Parliament and public figures pursuing it.”

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Dogging for Britain – government unveils new Get Ready for Brexit poster including handy GPS locations

MOVE ALONG PLEASE NOTHING TO SEE HERE : DEFRA junior minister, Harris Fulblewn Creton, MP for Window Steam, has chosen an idyllic Kent location for a late afternoon spot of dogging with his pet schnauzer Karperk. The outing is to prove No Deal Brexit won’t cause dogging queues in Kent. In spite of some reports in the newspapers.

“I’ve been here for a full hour and no one has complained about me walking Karperk, even though I have him on a leash,” Mr Creton told LCD Views, “which is encouraging. This area voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU in 2016. I’d expected it to be a bit touch and go if I hung around here for long. People might not like me taking a German breed of dog dogging. But so far it’s been plain sailing. Much as I expect No Deal Brexit will be as easy as eating a muffin in the countryside.”

But Mr Fulblewn Creton isn’t just taking Karperk for a normal walk.

“Language is a funny old thing,” he muses, as a car pulls close, slows down, but then rapidly drives away, “it’s always changing. When I was a boy walking your dog was called ‘going to see a man about a dog’. My father used to say it all the time. I was always confused though, as he never came home with a dog, just the one he took out with him? And he always smelt a bit sweaty. Feminine. Faintly of cheap perfume. Exercise does different things to different people of course. Biochemistry and all that jazz. Now it’s called dogging. But all you’re doing is engaging in a zesty, outdoors activity with man’s best friend. And you never know who you will meet.”

With the sun setting on the horizon Mr Creton paused, put his hands on his hips and brought his knees in tight. Next he did a pelvic thrust.

“It really drives me insane,” he commented, “my lower back. I have exercises I need to do. Like this.”

More thrusting.

A 1978 white Ford Cortina entered the carpark, slowed down, and then crawled over to park alongside Mr Creton. The lady occupant was smoking and even with the window wound down a few inches, it wasn’t entirely clear who she was, or indeed, what she wanted.

“Oi, you’re my MP. Cretin?”

“Creton. It’s not a French name. Don’t worry. And my dog, he is a schnauzer but he was bred right here in Kent.”

“What are you doing hanging about this carpark? You looking to hold an intimate surgery with a constituent?” The question was asked in a tone that can only be described as sleazy.

“I’m here to prove that dogging won’t be a problem in Kent in the event of No Deal Brexit. We’re even going to place a billboard right here to prove it won’t cause any tailbacks.”

“And what will the billboard say?” she asked, winding the window down further, the better to tap ash off her cigarette.

“Dogging for Britain! It’s something everyone can be proud of.”

“You’re my sort of fellow. Fancy a lift?”

“How far are we going?” Mr Creton asked.

“Just to the other side of the carpark you turkey.”

And with that Mr Creton got inside and our intrepid reporters beat a hasty retreat.

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Who’s a bad boy – Boris Johnson plans to kidnap Queen’s corgi and hold it to ransom to prevent Brexit extension!

HOW FAR WILL YOU GO TO DELIVER BREXIT : OMFG every day it’s a new level of insanity from the executive and today is no different.

According to sources located close to the failing, drying out husk of a heart of the current government, Boris and his best mate Dom, have a new wheeze to prevent an extension to Article 50.

Reportedly, the latest scheme revolves around the Queen’s love of corgis and how to game that into delivering Brexit, do or die.

“It was probably Dom’s idea, but Boris will take the credit, before it goes wrong and he attempts to spin the blame onto someone else. Probably Merkel or Varadkar based on recent events.”

It’s believed the thinking behind the scheme was inspired by a Jeeves and Wooster episode involving a stolen cow creamer. Although it’s not clear all the details of that adventure have been remembered correctly.

“Basically if the undemocratic parliament forces Boris to ask the tyrannical EU for an extension to Article 50, just to prevent dogging riots, then Boris and Dom will be ready. They’ll have one of the Queen’s corgis and they’ll have a gun to its head. If anything happens to the dog it’ll be Germany’s fault. Or the Queen’s. Yeah. Yeah. Her fault. They may even steal two of the dogs just to have one spare in case she tries to sack him.”

But while the plan is clearly as well thought through. Well, as well as anything emanating from 10 Downing Street since the British people overwhelmingly voted to be skinned alive via a dodgy opinion poll years ago, critics have rounded on it. They say it can’t possibly work. They just don’t believe enough.

“Don’t those idiots know the Queen doesn’t have any corgis anymore? This idea is not so much a dead cat on a table, as a sorry tale of already dead dogs. The people inside 10 Downing Street are idiots.”

And that’s something we can all get behind and agree with.

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Oft quoted 10 Downing Street “Source” revealed as Victorian sewer outlet located behind 10 Downing Street

CERTAIN JOURNALISTS WORK AS HARD ON THEIR STORIES AS WE DO NOWADAYS : THE BBC, Peston (Come back to us Robert! Escape Brexit befuddlement! You used to be so good!), Times, Sun and a few others won’t have the leap on the 10 Downing Street ‘Source’ scoops anymore. The results from an exhaustive investigation by LCD Views which pinpointed the source for all the source leaks.

“It’s a leaky Victorian sewer outlet located behind 10 Downing Street,” our undercover reporter reveals exclusively today, “going undercover as a roll of bog paper I was able to gain access to the innermost recesses of 10 Downing Street and trace the leaks from source to source. I will now be taking a break to recover my sanity, but not before revealing what I know.”

And what our source reveals about the source of the 10 Downing Street source is explosive.

“Seriously, what do they eat in that place? What drugs do they over take? Some of the sights I witnessed while in situ were just ghastly.”

But it was a price worth paying.

“Here’s how it happens. The now infamous SPAD to Johnson, Short Cummings, first completes a summoning ceremony, calling on the wisdom of devils ancient, before going into a special tiled room to channel the wisDOM received through the ether. This is communicated via a truly frightening procedure on top of a porcelain bowl. Whatever emerges is then immediately translated into that day’s strategy to deliver Brexit.”

So you’re saying the executive’s governing strategy, each and every day, is currently whatever shit Dominic Cummings comes up with, each and every day?

“Yes. Although we hardly needed to send me uncover to get the scoop. And if you just wait by the overflowing Victorian sewer that carries away his and Boris Johnson’s deepest, darkest thoughts, you can get the scoop too. Not that you’d necessarily want to.”