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Boris Johnson accidentally starts war of words with North Korea over claim he invented the hamburger

BREAKING BRITAIN : TRADE TZAR LIZ TRUSS has her work cut out for her today in pursuit of her free trade deal with North Korea after her boss blundered across sacred ground for the North Korean leadership.

In a speech in Greenwich yesterday Mr Johnson made many bold and invigorating claims about the country’s future, but it was assertions made about his own glorious, personal history that are proving to be the issue, as the fall out from his word salad explosion settles.

“Clearly great leaders need a great story. That’s a given. And initially no one paid attention to Mr Johnson’s claims in the culinary field,” our political analyst reveals, “he’s a wise and mighty leader, why can’t he invent new types of food? Besides, the audience was too busy feeling their temperature rise and their blood get hot as Boris weaved his magic. Just imagine the undoubted future potential of an industrialised, trading nation with no trade arrangements with anyone whatsoever? The post Brexit landscape is lit up with potential all over.”

But all the deserved fawning over Mr Johnson’s oratory aside, there is fall out a day later after one of the UK’s best hopes for a rapid, post Brexit trade deal, North Korea, issued a sternly worded, hamburger flavoured rebuke. They’re not happy at all and they’re not letting it go.

“Apparently it could end up in court,” our analyst goes on, “the North Korean government has it listed as official history that the current leader’s father, the late Kim-jong Il, invented a dish called ‘double bread with meat’, otherwise known as the hamburger. For Mr Johnson to claim it was he himself that invented the ‘Gogigyeopbbang’ has really set the fox amongst the pigeons of international relations with a state Mr Johnson clearly admires. And one whose methods of governance he’s keen to emulate.”

https://www.theguardian.com/world/shortcuts/2011/dec/19/kim-jong-il-things-never-knew

But all is not lost for Ms Truss at least.

“She’s set a team to work breeding giant rabbits,” our analyst enthuses, “so regardless of what, if any, trading arrangements are in place when the transition out of the EU ends with the end of 2020. No one in Britain needs to worry about famine.”

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UK Gov reveals entire policy stance from trade to all else for 2020

GOVERNMENT BY GASLIGHT : THE UK GOVERNMENT has hit back over scurrilous claims in discredited sections of the press (and social media) that it is just making it up as it goes along, by releasing its entire policy stance for 2020.

“It’s a classic policy position for any government in a tight corner,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, merely because we were chosen in the expectation of being a sympathetic stenographer, while others were denied access, “if you can’t actually prove anything you assert, if you have no real idea of what you’re doing next, if you’ve backed yourself into a corner and then just kept on backing up, if you’re a chancer who relies on inbred privilege, than you’ve got to get inventive.”

And inventive means you’ve got to make things up. If you don’t you risk people realising your real motives and that won’t be good for you.

“Every day, a new load of waffle. Drown people in it. Crowd out all the coherent seeds of thought, unless they take root. Keep people chasing their tails. Baffle them with bullshit. Make sure, so far as the public is concerned, attempting to make sense of what we’re doing is like an endless game of whack a mole.”

But why do it? Why doesn’t Boris Johnson especially have a vision for Britain?

“Oh he has a vision alright,” the source shrugs, “it’s to be prime minister in an attempt to cover over the screaming void of inadequacy that exists inside him, that can only be denied. Can he distract himself sufficiently to not consider his own fear of his own inadequacy? He’s managed it so far. Now he needs our help. If you’re endlessly baffled then you will show him the doubt he needs to see in your own critical judgement. That’s how he gets away with it. That’s what he’s in this for. All the rest is unimportant. Let the ministers, morally purchased by overseas interests, do the bidding of their ethical paymasters. All Boris needs is for you to be baffled. It makes him feel dominant, and less aware that he’s inadequate in comparison to the vain glories he imagined as himself as compensation for childhood, parental abandonment. Although this could all also be bullshit.”

Ah, so he’s made a science of bullshit to make himself feel better? And that’s all it is? That’s why the UK must end?

“Apparently so. It’s the price of enough people voting for negligence. Now, print a story about Johnsons’ vision and verve, and belief in Britain or you’ll find yourself on the wrong side of the carpet.”

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Johnson aiming for No Deal with EU as Remainers stockpiling now only way to boost UK economy

HE WHO PAYS THE PIPER : The last ever UK Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, gave the game away in a speech earlier today on his vision for a future relationship with the EU, and how he will negotiate it.

In a speech made underneath a painting of the sort of divine intervention he’ll require to make any of his endless bullshit fly, he let keen observers into how he sees the future of the British economy.

“It’ll be cyclical,” our economic analyst reports, with a shrug, “but then it always is. Basically he’ll keep running down the clock on negotiations with Brussels on a bi-annual cycle. The looming dread of No Deal will see Remainers, and even some Leave voters eventually, go out and stockpile. This will give the UK economy a shot in the arm and economic forecasts will remain reliably upbeat.”

The only flaw in the plan appears to be if the EU actually call his bluff and force him to choose between a rational arrangement that recognises the geographical realities, and intermingled relationship between the UK and EU, or finally the catastrophe that No Deal would be.

“That’ll still be fine. The mass amount of stockpiling which would occur in the event of the EU doing so will easily carry the UK through to the 2025 GE on toilet paper sales alone.”

Whether or not any of Mr Johnson, and his Brexit travellers, bluff and bluster will finally be called now that the UK has left the EU remains to be seen.

“Getting the transition period was a good bit of blackmail by the UK government,” our analyst acknowledges, “tantric Brexit remains the policy. But really between the Brexit sheets everyone is getting shafted. It just remains to be seen who will be left holding the baby when the reality hits home. And if Johnson does finally end up with no deal, whether by accident or design, at least UKGov won’t have been stockpiling body bags for nothing. Win win.”

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Boris Johnson donates “£350m per week” bus to NHS in lieu of extra money

WHAT’S THE CASH VALUE OF UNCUT BS : The NHS is feeling relieved today after Downing Street found a way to secure the promise on the big red bus.

“The £350m to the NHS bus? We’ve sorted it,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “don’t say we don’t keep our promises.”

Whether or not the additional funding promised by the Prime Minister on the 2016 EUref campaign trail would ever be delivered has been a source of ongoing contention.

“No more. They can have the actual bus. It’s iconic. A collectible item from the UK’s struggle to free itself from global realities and continental interdependence in a rapidly changing, often hostile world. The extra funding promised can now be considered delivered and that one has been got done too! Just like the assurance no one is threatening the UK’s place in the single market. Oh and EU27 citizens’ rights will not change as a result of Brexit. Oh and we’ll have forty trade deals ready to sign the moment we leave the EU.”

The delivery of the bus will also ease concerns that the NHS was going to get the money promised only as a result of a fire-sale if its assets to US private health interests.

But how will the receipt of the bus translate into hard cash?

“They can auction it off if they want? Certain to raise billions when it goes under the hammer. Or keep it and charge access? Wherever it rests is bound to be a site of pilgrimage for the Brexit faithful.”

Maybe stick a pole inside it and charge for technological lessons?

“Corr, now you’re talking. Every course will easily take in over £100,000 and you can fill the bus and charge like a wounded bull every day.”

Brexit, it’s up to everyone to help make it as successful as the promises that got us into this mess.

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Every household in the UK to receive a free package of Sovereignty

Brown paper packages tied up with strings attached? Naturally. Nobody wants their Sovereignty to come undone so soon after getting it back.

The private delivery companies tasked with delivering the Sovereignty are taking extra care with the precious packages. Normally they do almost half as good a job as the old Royal Mail, for only just over twice the price. This time they have pinky promised not to chuck the packages in the bin or dump them in a layby.

Every household should receive a big box on Monday morning. What will receiving your Sovereignty feel like? Our No Expense Spent reporter spoke to Sovereignty expert Gottar Cuntribach.

“It will give you a nice warm glow,” claimed Cuntribach. What, the sovereignty? “No, stepping back inside your nice warm house.”

What will happen when excited householders actually open their boxes? Will Rule Britannia play?

“To be honest, nobody really knows,” said Cuntribach with refreshing honesty. “Nobody has ever seen Sovereignty, except the one and only true Son, who is Nigel Farage. It is rumoured that if you did see it, you would die on the spot. But that’s not what this is all about!”

Which begs the question, what is all this really all about?

“Taking back control of our feudalism,” replied Cuntribach. “If it’s good enough for Saint George, it’s good enough for the rest of us.”

Saint George, that well known foreigner who never even set foot in the country…

“Details, details!” replied Cuntribach. “Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1399!”

The British people have, with the slenderest justification possible, exchanged their place at the top table for Mr Burns’ Mystery Box. The public, well, 52% of them anyway, are agog with anticipation.

Will it contain unicorns, blue passports, fish and chips in newspaper, sunlit uplands, and a plethora of celebratory 50 pence pieces? Or are we all suffering from empty box syndrome? We’ll have to wait and see!

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Remain voters to spend rest of 2020 saying, “That’s because we’re in the transition. Nothing changes until…”

THOSE WHO FAIL TO PREPARE PREPARE TO…: The script is going to change in the Brexit debates, now that the UK’s star has finally been scraped off the flag of Europe by the busy hands of nostalgia freaks and kleptocrats.

Over now are the debates about just in time supply chains, Boris doesn’t need those (or respect the jobs of people involved in them), whether or not the EU can measure the curvature of a British banana (they can’t, we’ve taken back control of tropical fruits), or whether or not it’s democratic to use a cooked and crooked advisory referendum as a political mandate. It shouldn’t be, but thanks to FPTP and a curious alignment of Brexiters and Lexiters in positions of power, it has been.

Now the debate will focus on why life as we know it in Blighty has neither become an instant nirvana nor the entire show collapsed into the sea like a Yorkshire cliff.

“That’s because we’re in the transition,” our resident Brexit expert opines, already wearily, “we’ve legally left the EU, but nothing changes until the start of next year. It’s to give people and businesses the time they need to leave the UK before Brexit happens on the ground. Judging by some of the comments by Brexiters, laughing like drains over the failure of project fear to materialise, you’re going to spend a lot of time this year explaining this fundamental, obvious and easily accessible point of fact. Get over it.”

A battle was lost for want of a nail…

“A democracy was lost for want of enough people spending thirty seconds on Google finding out facts. Get over it. It was never about facts, it was about leveraging a wedge of the electorate’s uncertainty at a changing world to validate returning the UK to a feudal state.”

We’re in transition now, but transition to what?

“Hopefully a time when a debate can be won or lost on the participant’s grasp of the facts.”

That doesn’t sound very Brexit to me. Let’s do that.

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Downing Street : removal vans arrive as British PM moves office today to disused toilet in White House

CLOSE TO THE SEAT OF POWER : THE LAST PRIME MINISTER OF THE UK, BORIS ‘de PRATTLE’ JOHNSON is reported to be not too happy at being woken early today as removal vans arrived at 10 Downing Street to begin the process of transferring the UK’s sovereignty to the White House.

The process is expected to be completed by 11pm this evening, although there’s said to be some hitches already.

“That’s because the EU and China are taking possession of the family china and silverware during the move, only the EU wants to store their share in a storage facility until the 1st of January next year,” a Downing Street source said, “but for now the guts of the place are being shipped to the White House. Once there the yanks will keep the bits they want and sell the rest off to the highest bidder, who’ll probably end up being China. It’s a funny old world, once you start messing about with sovirintee.”

How Mr Johnson will feel settling in behind his desk in a much smaller room isn’t clear, although the source is prepared to guess.

“It’s not a desk now, that’s being taking to Japan, except the collection of toy cars that sat on it, they’ll be gifted to various EU27 states by the Japanese,” the source shrugged, “Boris will be put inside a grubby bit of porcelain and allowed up to breathe now and then, when Trump isn’t on top blowing trumpets. This is a moment of national renewal.”

To be honest, it sounds like a crap deal?

“It is, but take solace in knowing that Boris will eventually have to swallow all of it.”

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Headhunters headhunt man who devoted career to losing his job

Headhunters are falling over themselves to recruit Brexit Party Ltd head honcho Nigel Farage. Farage has earned his place in the history books as the only man in history to campaign tirelessly to lose his job.

Farage had many obstacles in his way, but he overcame every single one of them. Fringe political parties come and go, but his tapped into a nationalistic vein that proved irresistible.

So irresistible, that he managed to gain election to the European parliament he so desperately wanted to have no part of. Year after year, he fought for the UK to leave the EU, and withdraw its MEPs. Year after year the EU failed to collapse like he claimed it would.

He tried harder. From the ashes of UKIP rose the Brexit Party Ltd, the common factor being none other than Nigel Farage. His failed party gone, to make failure harder he formed a limited company funded by grateful billionaires. Once again his election followed as night follows day.

His blatant, one-eyed rhetoric swayed the cowardly Cameron, who bravely ran away from the chaos caused by his cowardice. Theresa May followed, her attempts to square the circle and balance opposing viewpoints pleasing nobody. Finally the vainglorious Boris Johnson, a man with the depth of a dried-up puddle and the integrity of rutting animal, succeeded where no other had. He jumped on Farage’s bandwagon and rammed Brexit through.

The sheer weight of numbers guaranteed that the last flickering flames of opposition have died away. Great news for Farage, as he will finally be out of work.

But not for long. Determination to fail is a very British characteristic, and much in demand. An arch-practitioner such as Farage will be a positive asset to any business still resisting democracy.

With Farage in charge of human resources, what could possibly go right?

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European Parliament has an enema

DON’T SHINE ON YOU CRAZY CUBIC ZIRCONA : “However will we cope?” is reportedly the most commonly asked question in the European Parliament now that Nigel Farage and his band of plastic patriot, brain dead zombies, I mean, MEPs, have left the building for the last time.

At least that’s how the Tory press will report the end of British representation at one of the world’s foremost economic superpowers and its decision making bodies.

But our source at the EP is telling a different story as Auld Lang Syne fades in the chamber and the flag waving Little Englanders march out to celebrate Nigel Farage’s Euro currency pension.

“The EP officials are offering emergency counselling to help the remaining MEPs cope with the sudden loss of the Brexit MEPs,” our source reveals, “like immediate, emergency response.”

The quick reaction by authorities is believed to have been caused by a spate of broken ribs and swooning.

“One Belgian MEP from the town of Lumiere actually cracked a rib,” our source reports, “massive relief can take furious forms. Repressed irritation can become dangerous laugher. Some have lapsed into silence. They’re just enjoying the silence. But there’s concern it may become a vegetative state. Although I suspect they’re exaggerated. There’s many other things to get on with as the UK finally ends its empire.”

Yeah, they can feel relief now, but we’ll be back, once enough cotton onto the fact that a rainy island stuck on the outskirts of a union of 500m people is a pretty lonely island. Especially with Donald Trump calling the shots…

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Government to launch public information campaign for UK voters at midnight (CET) 1st February 2020

DON’T BLAME US YOU VOTED FOR US : DOWNING STREET is stopping at no lengths to meet the challenges the termination of the Article 50 notification period will bring.

“Have you seen the eye watering list of international treaties we’ll have to renegotiate upon leaving the European Union?” a DExEU junior minister asked LCD Views, while clearing out his desk, “seriously, have you seen it? I know it’s around here somewhere. At least now we’ll be doing it from the standpoint of 65m British lions, unhindered by the drag of half a billion bloody Europeans! Hey! Ha! The world won’t know what hit it. Grrr.”

But it’s not just the necessity of renegotiating pretty much our entire relationship with Planet Earth.

“No, there’s also the trade deals to do on Planet Zelta-D-9,” the minister chimed in, “at least I think that’s where the cheapest shoes are online? I can’t find my laptop. Have you seen it? I’ve got the solar system bookmarked.”

And to help all of us help them navigate this exciting new terrain of opportunities 10 Downing Street is to spend another £100m on a new public information campaign.

“You could have stopped us,” the minister noted, in a moment of blazing clarity, “but you were all either manipulated by the micro-targeted, mind control whiz bang trickery of Brexit pushers, or a Lexiter (excuse me while I’ll double over laughing on my hard right midriff) or too bloody apathetic, expecting common sense to return. Well, where’s common sense now? Hey? Seriously. I know I’ve lost it.”

The campaign itself will take a similar format to the “Get Ready For Brexit” one that cost tens of millions and carried absolutely no useful information at all. But this one will be aimed at helping people to understand what happens when the public, as well as the politicians, fail to keep up their side of the bargain which protects democracy under a representative parliament.

“Clearly the remoaners could see the issue,” the minister continued, “but as they officially ceased to exist as politically relevant on 23rd June 2016, we don’t have to worry about it. But this campaign will let everyone know that it’s their fault for re-electing proven charlatans and frauds to parliament. It’s not the fault of the charlatans and frauds. Obvs.”

What’s the new campaign called?

“Get Ready to Share the Blame!” the minister beamed, “it’s to help us make a success of Brexit. Well, whatever it is we’re doing after Brexit. Because apparently by late Friday night we’ve already got that done.”