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Government supporters to spend rest of week misinterpreting criticism of Boris Johnson’s government as an attack on babies

HUMANUM CLYPEUS : HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS? Tory commentators, sock puppets, bots, useful idiots and weird, feverish natural supporters have a new shield to guard them as the UK bumbles along into mass mortality from CV-19.

“You can no longer mention herd immunity, because baby,” one well placed strategist told LCD Views, “mind you, when we were planning this baby last year we thought it’d be a distraction from No Deal Brexit. But you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Or a baby. Or do you? Do people look newborns in the mouth? I guess they do. But my point still stands.”

Of course the newborn is blameless of the sins of the father, but the father himself is a sudden beneficiary of the instinctive need to shield and provide sympathy for parents with new babies.

“It’s quite the lucky break,” the source went on, “now everyone, all across British political life, can forget instantly that Boris Johnson is infamous for not admitting how many children he’s fathered. Has fought against being named as father in court. Has numerous children with different mothers and is not exactly a poster child for fathering. But that’s all swept away. Want to know how to get public support when leaving the wife of three of your children, while she’s undergoing cancer treatment, for a much younger woman, before becoming engaged to your mistress, after moving her into Downing Street, while pursuing divorce against the current wife? Have a baby. It’s a no brainer.”

But such cynicism helps no one. Not least the workers in the NHS arguably dying because of Johnson’s avoidance of detail, trust in cranks and all round laziness and misadministration.

“But baby, you heartless bastard,” the source concluded, “how dare you attack the baby?”

I didn’t. I actually want to know why the government downgraded the seriousness of CV-19 in March and don’t think a baby excuses the father from accountability.

“Churchill famously took months off during Dunkirk when his mistress had a baby,” the source slapped back, “now zip it. Or you’re going to be accused of singlehandedly wrecking the baby’s chances in life.”

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Downing St : Job category of PM downgraded from “serious, full time” to “whenever”

I’M JUST HERE FOR THE FOOD : DOWNING STREET has issued urgent clarification today after ongoing questions from traitors over the prime minister’s work ethic.

“He’s fulfilling the job criteria to a T,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “he’s not required to do any work and he’s not. If you have a problem with that you need to read the revised job spec for PM.”

It appears the category the job nestled in was revised in late March, at the same time as the downgrading of seriousness of CV-19.

“Look, let’s stop pretending, everyone knows Boris is just in it for the shits and giggles, perks and applause. It didn’t seem sensible to keep putting so much strain on the man. Ghastly bit of fate that soon after saying ‘take it on the chin’ he took it on the chin. We need to avoid his mouth and actual events conspiring so neatly together. So we made the appropriate changes to what the role of prime minister demands, at the appropriate times.”

And patriots can be reassured that none of the perks and benefits of the job have changed, the prime minister will still be on full salary with benefits, regardless of the hours he works. Whether or not he notices.

“It’s the ultimate zero hours gig at the moment,” the source continued, “which just shows how clever Johnson is and why he’s the right man to lead the country through the crisis his administration arguably made much, much worse. Do you get to live like a king? No. So shut up peasant.”

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I say all the right words, but not necessarily in the right order, claims Donald Trump

Bring me sunshine: What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with Toilet Duck? The mangled syntax and incomprehensible gibbering of the President gives you a clue. It’s Donald Duck, of course, tweeting from the Trump Toilet.

Is this the man who swallowed a bottle of Harpic and went clean round the bend? He may be quackers, but at least he is spotless under the rim.

The man whose stream of consciousness witterings and twitterings now informs medical science, has his answer ready. Taken out of context? That’s Lamestream! Misspoke? That’s Fake News! No, Trump has all the best words. All the bigly words. All the bestest and bigliest words. All the right words, in a manner of speaking, but not necessarily in the right order.

“Nobody understands the mind of Trump!” exclaimed the POTUS during the press briefing he swore not to give. “I’m a genius, right? The very best genius. I have the biggest mind in the world, nobody has a biglier mind than what Trump does. I does not make mistakes, I say all the right words. All the right words, as my very good English friend Ernie Morecambe used to say. Not necessarily in the order right, that’s what the Fake News Media don’t get!”

This explains everything. It’s as clear as a lung that has been scrubbed with an injection of Windolene.

This development has been taken with a large pinch of salt by the Lamestream Media, and with a larger pinch of Shake ‘n’ Vac by the POTUS.

In future, all the President’s pronouncements must be filtered through the prism of Write What I Meant In Retrospect, Not What I Said. This is a black art at the best of times, which must now be thoroughly bleached. All to make the brutally fake tanned Trump look whiter than white.

Bigly brain, tiny hands, and short fat hairy legs.

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“Touch Me” by The Doors – song banned in interests of public safety

CLOSING DOORS : The government has finally gotten something right in its personal fight to have the public view the Covid-19 pandemic as a military conflict, and not the public health emergency it is.

“From 6am this morning all public broadcast of the popular 60’s love anthem, Touch Me, by The Doors, has been banned,” an ebullient spokesman for upbeat Prime Minister Boris Johnson told Radio 4.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/doors/touchme.html

And the law isn’t stopping at just radio and TV broadcasts. The government has said that any buskers performing the song will face the “full penalty of the law and be taken to Dom’s lab for experimentation”.

Matt Hancock is believed to be behind the move, which surprisingly gained the approval of Boris Johnson, even though little Matty is being fitted up as one of the sacrificial goats to save Johnson’s skin.

“It’s to give Matt a false sense of security before the boot goes in,” a Downing Street source advised.

But critics of the lyrical move have argued that if the government is going to ban songs with (CV-19) provocative titles and lyrics, there is a long list that needs including.

“Why just pick on The Doors?” a well known social media based mouthpiece asked, “Can You Feel The Love Tonight, by Elton John, is basically a Coronavirus hotspot on its own. I Wanna Hold Your Hand, by The Beatles? Just on the grounds of grammar alone, let alone attempting to convince a stranger to endanger themselves. Until every dangerous song is on the list this is nothing more than a token gesture to distract from the failings of a shambolic administration that can’t even do fascism properly.”

But it seems likely criticism will not change government policy. This is entirely rational after the public allowed ministers to make law without parliament, by way of Brexit.

“All of Crowded House is outlawed too,” the energetic spokesman added, “at least until we can ascertain whether everyone inside has been there together from the start of lockdown.”

CV-19 crisis? Do Dream It’s Over, as one day it will be.

And one day singing an old John Lee Hooker classic won’t see you fined. But don’t even think about humming “Love Shack” by the B52’s, until the new measures are lifted.

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Survivor of volcano explosion says other cities looked at “Pompeii’s apparent success”

FAIL(ED) CEASER : The survivor of a volcanic explosion has spoken today to LCD Views about the international view taken, during, and after the event.

“We took the right steps, at the right time,” Provincial Governor, Biggus Dickus, told LCD Views.

For the interview Biggus wore his mop of blonde hair like an actual mop that had been swished freely across a flooded floor.

“At every step of our response to the volcano’s explosion we have been guided by the science.”

Biggus Dickus gave examples of the timely, and science led response by his administration.

“Weeks before the eruption, when smoke was noticed spiralling out of the top of the mountain we sacrificed bulls to appease the Gods.”

We were tempted to ask why the bulls were sacrificed, when at the time the WVO (World Volcano Organisation) was advising cities near to volcanoes to load their possessions onto the backs of the bulls and get out of there.

“Then, when fire began belching from the top of the mountain we threw in virgins. Not blonde virgins, clearly, for obvious reasons. We worked day and night to prevent the mountain exploding.”

But when it did? What protection was provided to the priests and slaves dedicated to protecting the people from the mountain’s rage?

“They were given sufficient supplies of papyrus hats and copper amulets. Clearly the unprecedented nature of the explosion meant that global supply lines of both reed based clothing and lucky charms were strained (at every sinew).”

Your administration has also done whatever it takes to protect itself?

“Yes, purely in the interests of maintaining capable and consistent governance.”

This is why you’ve already indemnified yourselves against legal action based on charges of negligence?

“Yes.”

So what’s next?

“Bask in the glory of broad based global acclaim. That’s a given. Other cities are looking at our apparent success in managing the explosion that buried both Pompeii and Herculaneum. And as for myself I will be awarding the contract to resurrect the citizens buried under the ash and debris to a chariot maker.”

Who is that?

“Why Dysonius, of course, whether or not he delivers doesn’t matter. It’s how the headline looks dabbed in red paint on the walls of the coliseum, that’s all that matters to me.”

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I’m back, did I miss anything, says Boris Johnson

Great news! Our great leader has been declared fit for work by the Universal Credit people. He will be working day and night to distract attention away from where it should be.

“Ah, yes, the jolly old reins of power, raring to go, wiff waff, I say,” he is expected to say at the early morning press conference, which will be just in time for elevenses. “Well I’m back, yes, protect the NHS, stay home, stay safe, strain every sinew, err, something something, wibble, wibble, in vino paintbox, did you miss me?”

The nation will breathe a sigh of relief at the return of Johnson. If only because it means that the country is no longer in the hands of Dominic Raab-it-in-the-Headlights.

So what has been going on behind the scenes? The transcript from a private briefing between Johnson and the newly installed Professor of Medicine at the University of Tufton Street, “Classic” Dom Cummings, has been obtained by LCD Views’ Phone Tapping correspondent. This is what it says:

CDC: Ok, Spaffer, just get out there, be charming, and bugger off again sharpish. Claim your doctors have told you to take 60 minutes’ rest every hour, or something.

BJ: What shall I say, Classic? There’s 20k dead even using the adjusted figures, the members are getting restive, and Donald has forgotten to take his meds again.

CDC: Claim ignorance. They think you are a lazy, ignorant bastard anyway, so nobody will challenge you. The old tart Kuenssberg will be told to stick her tongue up your backside as per. You don’t have to worry about anything.

BJ: What about the science we are supposed to be following? What is the latest from SAGE?

CDC: You know as well as I do that science costs money we won’t get back. You mustn’t say Herd Immunity any more, even the ERG find it offensive now. I have worked hard to negate every point the fucking experts make. Just say the catchphrase and stutter winningly. Chuck in some Latin if you must. The usual.

BJ: Business as usual, then.

CDC: Business as usual.

Nothing to see here. Nothing. Move on, move on. Phew.

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Priti Patel announces “task force” to examine escalating levels of school truancy in UK

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON : Home Secretary and cheerleader of foreign militaries, Priti Patel, has announced she has set up a “task force” to look into the “baffling and escalating” levels of truancy in British schools.

“I have full confidence that the Home Office’s Task Force Truant will find out which families are encouraging their children to skip school. Once the guilty are identified measures will be taken,” Ms Patel said, with her best serious face, before smiling.

While it’s currently a closely guarded secret who is on the task force, and how many are involved, the level of truancy is out in the open for all to see. People are suddenly very brazen about it.

“This time last year there were no truants,” Ms Patel continued, “but during the later half of March and through April there have now been three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand students skipping school. Personally, I blame the parents.”

What sanctions the guilty parties will face, once identified, are also clear.

“Deportation,” Ms Patel beamed, “perhaps the best English word ever invented. It’s my favourite. Capital is second. Punishment third. My favourite colour is of course blue. And everyone knows my favourite number.”

But it wasn’t all bad news, Ms Patel has a secret army of left leaning male fans on Twitter, some of whom have confessed to thinking she’s hot, and she has a number of Home Office successes to trumpet.

“Shoplifting has fallen through the floor, relative to last year, when there was no Coronavirus. So too high street attacks by Great White Sharks and deaths by lightning strikes on Ben Nevis.”

All can feel confident that with the disgraced former Minister for International Development overseeing Task Force Truant, that success is assured.

“It’s funny, isn’t it,” Ms Patel is reported to have mused, “once upon a time being caught running a private foreign policy agenda with a foreign military would have seen you thrown out of politics, your political party and never again be in government. But these days? The modern Conservative Party has gone back to traditional politics. Which is something I personally smile a lot about. There’s absolutely no harm to the democratic institutions of the United Kingdom by allowing gross misdeeds in public office to go unpunished.”

To smirk or not to smirk? There’s only one answer to that question.

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Study finds Black Death mortality rate could have been halved by involving electoral fraud specialists

FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF GIANTS : A BRITISH SCIENTIFIC STUDY INTO THE BLACK DEATH PLAGUES OF THE 14TH CENTURY has concluded that our medieval ancestors could learn a lot from the current approach (by the UK) to pandemic crisis management.

“The medieval kings got the messaging all wrong,” lead researcher on the study, Ducktor Quack, told LCD Views, “you can convince people to put up with anything, if you get the story right. Not straight you understand, but right. You can even convince enough to abandon a supranational club that protects their rights, and enfranchises them, all on a mandate gained from a provably corrupted referendum.”

Ducktor Quack goes on to reveal that it is the belief of the researchers that the mortality rate for Bubonic Plague, anywhere between 50-90% for afflicted communities, could have been halved with additional gaslighting and slogans.

“They needed to ramp up the messaging, just prior to the pandemic peaking. The mass prayers were useful, but they didn’t strain every sinew. They really didn’t do whatever it takes. I understand availability of plague doctor outfits was also insufficient.”

Quack suggests that the inability of Edward III to manage the Black Death was down in part to the quality of his advisors.

“It was clearly a great flaw not to have any specialists in electoral fraud advising the King, and the Archbishop. If you’re going to thin a herd you need the herd looking anywhere but at the thinning. As it was most people were staring at their pustules. You’re never going to win public approval unless the cyst on the leadership is both concealed, and doesn’t burst all over the peasants.”

But critics of the study have hit back in defence of Edward III. They have said that Edward was generally distracted by having been given a name that numerous kings had, and that was all very confusing.

“Also, there weren’t elections at the time. People achieved positions through patronage, backhanders, ill gotten gains, threats and class system, often regardless of any inherent talent to do the job they wanted. So it’s no surprise that the management of the crisis was little better than a 21st century, wealthy and industrialised country letting hobby eugenicists and proven electoral fraudsters coordinate its response.”

But that could never happen in Blighty. In this green and pleasant land we follow the science.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/sep/07/smash-and-grab-dominic-cummings-democracy

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“I said treat the flu with leaches, not bleaches” – Donald Trump blames fake news media

DON’T DO WHAT I SAY DO WHAT I SAY I DIDN’T SAY : PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES OF SOME KIND OF AMERICA, and all round colourful character, Donald Trump, has moved today to correct a case of mistaken medicine.

“The fake news media misrecordered what I said about the foreign flu,” The President told a handpicked selection of wood louse and cabbage beetles, “I said they should look into treating the Coronavirus, and any beverage cold, with leaches.”

The clarification occurred whilst dry humping a freshly laundered American flag.

Apparently Mr Trump blames poor recordereding quality for the mistakenly belief he publicly mused on injecting everyday cleaning products directly into ill people. Products like bleach.

Of course leaches have long been popular with the medical community to treat a range of ailments from blood clotting to blood clotting.

“If they put the leaches directly into the ear of the patient than they can travel down to the lungs,” Mr Trump went on, “like they did in that documentary ‘The Wraith of Kahn’. They treated a man with leaches. They put the leach right into his ear and it got right to work. Magnificent impact. Just the greatest changes. Why not? Until we have a vaccine we have to be creative.”

But some critics of the President have seized on the clarification regarding what to do with bleach, apart from clean your toilet.

“The fact he’s had to walk that back shows that he’s not batshit crazy, but actually fully aware of what he is doing. That even for the clown show, which distracts from a lot of bad deeds, there’s a line that can’t be crossed. The self-awareness, it’s evidence of intelligence and calculation. Which is of course, even more terrifying. Clinician with a syringe full of cleaning products and an eye on your lungs, that kind of terrifying.”

Live long and prosper.

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Cummings enlivens SAGE like an injection of bleach into a CV-19 patient’s lungs, says Downing St

TAKE ONE PILL AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE : The UK has been an international outlier in the Covid-19 crisis, mostly because we’re determinedly exceptional.

“It’s a real opportunity,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “mostly to show the Continentals how to handle a public health crisis like a PR exercise, with scant regard to the impact on the lives of the peasants.”

Just like Brexit then?

“Exactly. It’s why Classic Dom attends SAGE. If you let actual public health experts decide ‘the science’ the Prime Minister is guided by you stand at risk of emerging from the pandemic and still having a social care crisis. If that happens old Bojo will have to come up with a policy. That’s like socialism. Makes you feel a bit sick at the thought. Labour comes up with policies, we come up with stories. It’s why we keep winning. It’s how we’ll win Covid-19. The brave sacrifice of the mighty Britons faced with an emergency none could ever have foreseen. But we rose to the challenge and defeated the virus! Churchill spent a lot of time in a bunker in the Blitz. Boris is spending time in the Chequers cellar. It’s exactly the same.”

But what about people who think actual epidemiologists, virologists and others who specialise in pandemics should decide what we do? You know, instead of the guy found in contempt of parliament?

“Where’s the opportunity in that? We’d end up just following the WHO advice like some subject nation straining under the yoke of trans-national organisational tyranny to regain our sovereignty. We didn’t get blue passports back just to throw it all away keeping NHS staff alive with actual PPE.”

So it’s Dom’s way or the WHO’s way?

“Exactly. Like an intravenous injection of bleach right into the trachea. The guy who headed up the Brexit lobby group found to have broken electoral law will Get Covid-19 Dom! If you’re lucky some of you will live to enjoy the completely unbiased and heroic biopic!”