HUMANUM CLYPEUS : HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS? Tory commentators, sock puppets, bots, useful idiots and weird, feverish natural supporters have a new shield to guard them as the UK bumbles along into mass mortality from CV-19.
“You can no longer mention herd immunity, because baby,” one well placed strategist told LCD Views, “mind you, when we were planning this baby last year we thought it’d be a distraction from No Deal Brexit. But you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Or a baby. Or do you? Do people look newborns in the mouth? I guess they do. But my point still stands.”
Of course the newborn is blameless of the sins of the father, but the father himself is a sudden beneficiary of the instinctive need to shield and provide sympathy for parents with new babies.
“It’s quite the lucky break,” the source went on, “now everyone, all across British political life, can forget instantly that Boris Johnson is infamous for not admitting how many children he’s fathered. Has fought against being named as father in court. Has numerous children with different mothers and is not exactly a poster child for fathering. But that’s all swept away. Want to know how to get public support when leaving the wife of three of your children, while she’s undergoing cancer treatment, for a much younger woman, before becoming engaged to your mistress, after moving her into Downing Street, while pursuing divorce against the current wife? Have a baby. It’s a no brainer.”
But such cynicism helps no one. Not least the workers in the NHS arguably dying because of Johnson’s avoidance of detail, trust in cranks and all round laziness and misadministration.
“But baby, you heartless bastard,” the source concluded, “how dare you attack the baby?”
I didn’t. I actually want to know why the government downgraded the seriousness of CV-19 in March and don’t think a baby excuses the father from accountability.
“Churchill famously took months off during Dunkirk when his mistress had a baby,” the source slapped back, “now zip it. Or you’re going to be accused of singlehandedly wrecking the baby’s chances in life.”