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NHS to save BILLIONS on pensions as Hancock puts OAP Docs in Coronavirus trenches

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSEPITAL : HEALTH WHIZ KID AND ALL ROUND APP PROMOTER, MATT HANCOCK, is not slouching at the blue sky wheel thinking as Coronavirus threatens.

“He’s drafting a plan to forcibly recruit retired doctors and nurses and put them on the front line,” an insider at the Department of Health told LCD Views, “initially the plan was to train them as customs officers, but now it’s to put them on the front line in the fight against Coronavirus.”

And it’s not just Matt who is thinking he’s a genius, a random, doe eyed girl, put up as a front for dark money, is ready to appear on any BBC panel show to proclaim the wisdom.

“Not much is known about Coronavirus yet, except that you can catch it from drinking a popular brand of beer,” Matt’s aide continued, “is it a Chinese bioweapon that escaped the lab? Is it a result of Mother Earth going F U humans and taking a swing – disproportionately at the demographic most likely to oppose efforts to limit climate change? Who knows. But what we do know is that it is way more lethal the older you are.”

This new idea, part stop gap to deal with the intentional deterioration of the National Health Service (in readiness for privatisation), part just standard Hancock thinking, stands to save the NHS billions in NHS pension payments.

“Just imagine it, elderly nurses and doctors, rapidly retrained (or not) to contemporary standards and methods, flung over the trenches into no man’s land. Mostly they’ll be treating one another as they catch Coronavirus, one after the other. But before they drop government friendly newspapers will be able to proclaim the outstanding boost in NHS staff numbers. And then the next day accuse the same doctors and nurses of bed blocking. It’s genius!”

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Public poll reveals that the most popular name for Johnson junior is Baby McBabyface

Democracy is everything! After the news broke about the prime ministerial baby, opinion polls went into overdrive to choose a name. The clear winner, with almost 52% of the vote, was Baby McBabyface.

Some say this is a stupid babe for a baby. Others argue that the name of a baby is nothing to do with the public. A few remainery types suggested that the full facts of the matter were concealed, so the vote was meaningless. Clearly the situation required clarification, so a reliably unreliable dissembler was pushed forward to make a statement.

“We don’t have a choice. The People have spoken, and we must respect their decision!” dribbled Michael Gove, casually shedding his skin. “This is a momentous day, in which we celebrate the abdication of all decision making to the Great British Public, while politicians get on with their real job of embezzling tax revenues and shagging tasty blondes.”

LCD Views was sceptical about all this, so we sent our Name Calling correspondent to interview Carrie Symonds.

How is Boris taking it?

“He’s a bit surprised, to be honest,” she said, glowing in a way that only a woman with severe morning sickness can. “He told me it wasn’t possible to have a baby once you are over 50.”

That only applies to the woman.

“Oh…” she replied, her face suddenly falling. “I didn’t know that!”

What about the sex?

“It’s wonderful, he’s so passionate and… Oh. You mean the sex of the baby, don’t you? Well, it doesn’t matter yet, they don’t start having sex until they are in their teens anyway.”

What about the public choice of Baby McBabyface?

“Oh, it’s wonderful, it’s unique,” she gushed. “I love it! I’m not sure about Boris, though. He goes around muttering things like ‘Chlamydia’ and ‘Syphilis’. I don’t like that sort of old-fashioned name, it’s the sort of name Jacob Rees-Mogg would choose.”

At this point both Carrie and our correspondent went to throw up.

Don’t be surprised if they eventually name the child Sir David Attenborough.

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UK preparing for Coronavirus by talking about its PM having another holiday

ASLEEP AWAY FROM THE WHEEL : We all know that plenty of sleep is necessary for a healthy immune system and Global Britons can work those zero hours contracts reassured that their prime minister’s immune system is in tip top shape.

“He’s spending the next few days preparing for the cold and fly battle ahead, the Battle of the Sniffles, if you will,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “I am personally encouraging this. While he is away I will dismantle the judiciary, so you can rest assured the work of governing for opaquely funded, American libertarian billionaires continues apace. The country will be ready for the asset fire sales of 2021, mismanagement of the country’s defences against a global pandemic can only assist in that.”

But while many will be reassured that all those billions from across the pond have brought the right people to the top, some are suggesting that the Prime Minister should chair a Cobra meeting before his holiday, just in case a plane load of achoo’s arrive in his absence.

“Nanny state nonsense,” the source countered, “the will of the people is for Boris Johnson to do what he does best, shirk his responsibilities and let functionaries do the heavy lifting, and make him look like he’s paying attention to anything other than his own selfish pleasures and personal advancement. It’s worked well this far.”

So there’s nothing to worry about. As you trundle in and out of the workplaces in overcrowded trains and buses, eyeball to eyeball with other Global Britons, just make sure you’ve some hand sanitiser on you. Once you get out of the carriage and can raise your arms again, give your hands a good scrub. And be sure to breathe out everything you breathed in.

“Don’t worry about old Al,” the source added, “he’s not worrying about you. He’s getting his beauty sleep. We’re not preparing for a global pandemic by talking about Boris Johnson having another holiday. Sometimes it just feels that way.”

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UK government withdraws from EU arrest warrant out of professional courtesy for other criminals

BALL AND CHAIN : The UK’s government, known by itself as the sports car of administrations the world over, has announced its intention to withdraw from the European Arrest Warrant.

“We’re getting our sovereignty back,” a figment of the imagination. claiming to be a Downing Street source, said, “total and complete sovereignty. Much like North Korea, well, except for the bits where they let China push them about. So much like North Korea.”

The Warrant makes it much easier to remove foreign born criminals from the UK and ship them back where they came from.

“Why would we make it harder to send lawbreakers back home?” the source went on, “especially when we’re tough on crime and our prisons are overflowing? It’s about foreign born expertise. Our government sends a lot more of them back, prior to taking back control, then they send to us. So really, as with everything, the EU needs us more than we need them.”

But some have speculated, totally without justification, that it doesn’t make any sense. That once again Brexit is causing the UK to cut its nose off to spite its face. It will now be harder to extradite British criminals back to the UK to face justice.

“Now you’re getting it,” the source winked, “have you seen the reports on the scale of money laundering going on in London? Basically one of the pillars of Global Britain’s economy right there. You don’t want to kill the golden goose. Not that these issues are in any way related.”

Maybe the next time a sitting Tory MP faces trial for fraud or some egregious personal crime they can just bugger off to Spain?

“I wouldn’t have thought so. Not when they can be convicted and then be re-selected. It’s 2020 remember. Let’s just say we’re withdrawing out of professional courtesy and leave it at that. And for one other reason.”

Which is?

“If the bloody stuffed shirts in Brussels had agreed to rename it the British Arrest Warrant we would have stayed in it. Just like the European Court of Justice and the whole EU itself.”

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‪Johnson tells EU he is ready to “walk from talks” in June as he’s already booked his summer holidays‬

PART TIME PRIME MINISTER : Boris Johnson has issued a stiff warning today to the flaccid nobodies ruling Brussels over their plans to talk so endlessly he risks dying of boredom.

“There’s no time to lose,” a Downing Street source said, fleshing out the PM’s emperor’s new clothes approach, “there’s Easter holidays in a few weeks. The EU need to know they need to cave fast or face the consequences. Our new mega slogan, ‘Walk from Talks’ should hit them square in the short and curlies. They’ll see sense.”

Whether an additional slogan for the negotiations with the nerds in Brussels will be required to see out 2020 will be addressed mid-year.

“Basically if the EU hasn’t realised it will have a significant dry cleaning bill at the end of the year, if it fails to take the dark money setting the UK’s agenda of self harm seriously, then we may need a second slogan. We’ll assess this when the cliff edge is nearer.”

Some have suggested though that attempting to arrange the negotiations over the UK’s post Brexit relationship with the EU around Mr Johnson’s holiday schedule may cause some blowback.

“That’s because they can’t get their wooden heads around the reality of Brexit,” the source shrugged, “it’s a fascist leaning, dark money fuelled, feudalism fetishising project. It’s not the work of a responsible industrialised country governed by a sober representative democracy. Once they finally get it through their thick heads we mean business, we are prepared to starve our own population into submission, then maybe we’ll make progress. If they give us what we want the British people won’t suffer, too much, if they don’t? Well, we all know whose fault it is.”

We may have a part time prime minister, but the agenda is entirely sinister. Where will you be taking your summer holiday?

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David Davis to undergo hypnotherapy in hope of curing delusion German automakers will save Brexit

LAST DITCH : Prominent British performance artist and bar fly par excellence David Davis is to undergo a course of hypnotherapy.

The unusual treatment is being pursued in the hope of a cure for his long running obsessional delusion with the German automotive sector.

“We’re paying for it ourselves,” Herr BMW told LCD Views, “out of the profits of the first quarter of this year’s car sales in our home territory. I stress no British profits are being spent attempting to cure the failed Brexit Secretary. We understand British people are very sensitive about how Europeans spend their money, even when it’s for a visible gain. We understand you prefer to waste it now prolifically on preparations to ruin your entire economy.”

The treatment itself has a reasonable chance of success, with hypnotherapy long been known to work wonders for addictive disorders and cases of anxiety.

But in spite of the German automakers willingness to bear the cost, in the hope of getting some well earned peace of quiet from Mr Davis, our expert is not convinced.

“For hypnotherapy to succeed the patient has to want it to succeed,” Professor Lookin Myis ruminated, “there’s no sign that Mr Davis paid any attention to historical lessons, such as the multi-billion dollar hit the German automakers took to assist in sanctions against Russia some years ago. I don’t see any sign he wants to be cured of his delusions that Brexit will succeed merely because of the unwillingness of varied EU business sectors to suffer a short term decrease in profits while they reorientate sales to other territories.”

The professor may have a point, there’s no sign yet that David Davis, or any of the other Brexit delusion artists, are looking for a cure for their cerebral disease.

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Fears over Boris Johnson’s safety increase after child lock discovered on Downing Street fridge

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but Boris Johnson is not a man to be missed about. Warning bells sounded when a Downing Street staffer inadvertently revealed that the PM’s fridge has a child lock.

Johnson has been reported MIA, or possibly missing in inaction. It is a bit of a long shot, but it looks possible that he was asked a difficult question at work. Something like, “Do you have any plans to visit flooded areas of the country?”. His normal course of action is to conceal himself within a cold storage unit until the panic dies down. Unfortunately it appears that he was unable to get out again.

Nobody, it seems, can open the fridge. None of the dogsbodies and yes men have managed to crack the code, even “Classic” Dom Cummings has struggled (if not for very long).

What they really need is a child. Unfortunately they are banned from Number Ten in case they turn out to be Boris’s.

In desperation, members of the Cabinet were called in to help. Dominic Raab failed to realise the significance, and retreated, sweaty, temple vein throbbing, to the sanctuary of the House of Commons bar. Jacob Rees-Mogg instructed his under-butler to release the lock, but he turned out to be more Wooster than Jeeves. Priti Patel, realising that the fridge was not of British make, simply deported it.

Meanwhile the sack of Britain is being achieved without its idiot in chief. The longer Boris Johnson remains AWOL, the less likely any parliamentary business can be carried out, and the more looting and pillaging can be done by the unelected bureaucrats running the shitshow.

The fridge was well stocked with champagne and nibbles, so Johnson is unlikely to have starved to death.

The Fire Brigade has been called, but has not yet turned up as it has the unenviable job of putting out a country on fire.

Johnson may go down on record as the coolest prime minister of all time.

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‪Andrew Neil to 3D print Boris Johnson out so he finally gets his interview‬

3D PRINTING IS THE FUTURE OF BRITISH FOOD : Great news today with the announcement that nerds have finally done something useful.

“Using the latest whiz bang technology of 3D printing government spokesman Andrew Neil is finally going to get his interview with Boris Johnson,” a representative of the Jetson Institute for Futurism told LCD Views, “not many know this, but during last year’s general election campaign Boris Johnson famously ducked an interview with Andrew Neil, although no one has yet worked out why. But that miss burned with the red faced stalwart of BBC political chat shows. Now with our help Mr Neil is going to get his way.”

And get his way he will in a studio that will also be specially printed for the day.

“Not just the studio and the interviewee. The questions are also going to be printed as giant Lego like blocks and assembled by a coterie of blonde women so Mr Johnson pays attention and doesn’t hide. There are minor health and safety concerns with this choice, but we feel the spectacle of the prime minister chasing the questions around the plastic studio will be fantastic. You can be sure he won’t be hiding, but he maybe ducking and diving!”

And once the interview is in the can it will be broadcast to an eager nation on a specially printed, plastic antenna so plastic patriots can watch it on plastic printed, British 3D TV’s!

“This interview will spell the end of the need for complex, cross border trade networks. If you can magically print a hard hitting interview with a famous recluse, what can’t you print?”

Except for food, basic decency, accountability, pharmaceuticals, aviation, The Intelligence Report into Russian Interference, the Arcuri Inquiry, clothing, genome sequences of avian flu varieties, a passport that is more than a name tag and a few other things. Like sovereignty and border control.

“And even better, the 3D printed Johnson can have all its rough edges sanded off and stored for future use.”

For example?

“The next time half the country is flooded, but Bojo fancies a week off, the plastic Johnson can float down all the streams.”

Take that Europe! We’re not embracing 3D printing because the people driving Brexit are too blithe and stupid and lazy to bother negotiating a trade deal with our biggest market, we’re doing it because plastic is fantastic! And patriots love plastic. We definitely not doing it in the service of the disaster capitalism project such headlines are intended to conceal.

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Matt Hancock to train 40,000 new nurses as trade negotiators

File Under ‘Irritable Duncan Syndrome’ : Brexit Britain is going to need to see nurse a lot and it’s going to need a lot of nurses on the front line, happily Matt Hancock has the solution (all the time).

“It wasn’t easy to swallow my hypocrisy,” the UK’s health boss told a scantily clad press conference earlier today, “having invoked the war dead in the service of my leadership ambitions, I then had to do a regulation about face when it was clear it wasn’t my time to lead the Conservative Party, but Dominic Cummings’.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/aug/31/matt-hancock-rows-back-from-views-on-suspending-parliament

“I almost needed a nurse, until I realised my elevated pulse and temperature was just a mild dose of hypo-crisis. Once I accepted that prorogation of parliament, unlawful as it turned out, would please those boys who died on those beaches, the symptoms receded, much like my conscience.”

So far, so good, but what’s this got to do with trade negotiations?

“I like finding solutions. Optum, that giant US private health insurer, some say they could be a solution to future NHS funding, but I couldn’t possibly comment. To sell out the NHS to US private health interests would be to go against everything those men died on those beaches for. I’ll probably say that. We will have to wait and see when I’m not an entirely imagined Matt, like now, but the Matt of the future.”

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/health-firm-handed-7million-help-21556330

There’s absolutely no risk to the NHS by allowing a US private health company to assess the risk categories of patients. It’s not like it’s part of some long term plan to raid the equity of Brits over 55, even though US interests have allegedly identified private home ownership of the over 55’s as the UK’s biggest asset store. Imagine if people needed to sell their homes to pay for health care? Like they sometimes do in the US…imagine if the party of government had many MPs with links to US health insurers?

“And now I see IDS has a problem that needs a solution,” Matt wandered on, “well I have the solution. Iain says we don’t have sufficient skill at trade negotiation. That we need to call in the experts. That now the brain dead, empire fetishising Brexit MPs have shoved through their project thanks to industrial scale psychological manipulation of a vulnerable electorate, and a certain amount of disregarded electoral crime, that it’s time to get the people who said ‘Don’t do it!’ back in house to carry the project forward. Who better to blame? Ha! Well I say stop. Stop right there. Why waste valuable public resources when I’m already working on the fix.”

Which is?

“There’s no need to hire expensive trade negotiators. I’ll just train those 40,000 new nurses in trade negotiation. It’s not like it’s brain surgery. Which is exactly what I’m also proposing to train them to do. The doctor will see you now? No. Nurse will. She charges less.”

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Scientists prove that only psychopaths wear a bobble hat without the bobble

We’ve all had enough of experts, but here’s one we should listen to. A breakthrough in mental medicine means there is now a sure-fire way to detect a psychopath.

“The diagnostic test is remarkably simple,” revealed brain scientist Prof Mick Stupp. “We have performed extensive and wide-ranging tests. Every subject displaying the classic signs of psychopathy will, without fail, wear a bobble hat without the bobble.”

Sounds implausible, but how does this tendency take root?

“It begins in childhood,” explained Prof Stupp. “Children form strong, even passionate attachments to items they connect to specific times, places and emotions. Remember being a kid, going out in the snow with your brand-new bobble hat on, then you lose that bobble? It cuts deep, and leaves a permanent scar.”

That makes perfect sense now. So a child will take its revenge upon the cruel world, which parted the bobble from the hat so traumatically?

“Exactly,” confirmed Prof Stupp. “It is a wound that never heals, instead it festers and feeds the child’s inner torment, which then manifests itself in full-blown psychopathy.”

What happens to the bobble?

“The bobble is locked away in a glass cabinet in the basement, with all the other bobbles, as evidence of the cruelty of the world, and justification for any acts which may follow.”

Prof Stupp disclosed that there is a Bobble Scale for psychopathic traits. One stored bobble means that there is hope for a return to normality. Two means that they can function normally but don’t get too close to them, and so on.

Most of the current Cabinet rate at least five bobbles. “Priti Patel buys bobble hats just so she can tear the bobble off,” said Prof Stupp. “Sajid Javid stepped down because he refused to follow suit. Jacob Rees-Mogg was always denied the pleasure of even owning a bobble hat, so that made him the man he is today.”

So next time you are at the cheese counter at Tesco’s, and encounter a shifty individual with a woolly hat lacking its bobble, let them go first. Or you might end up knocked out with a block of Black Bomber extra mature cheddar.