Posted on

Fears UK government has collapsed after suitcases of Covid cash seized at border

TIN POT GONNA TIN POT : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure this morning to confirm the UK Government still exists after suitcases of Covid cash were seized at the country’s borders.

The giveaway of taxpayers money during the pandemic was of course rigorously overseen by inheritance millionaires and other people who achieved their high positions in public life through sheer hard work and inherent talent. No patriot would suggest otherwise.

Quite how billions in fraud could just be written off with a nonchalant shrug by the PM and Chancellor is not an act worth worrying anyone’s pretty little head over. YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR GAS AND FOOD BILLS ANYWAY. But the attempt to take some of the defrauded cash out of the country in suitcases will raise eyebrows among the usual suspects.

“It’s an example of how robust the controls are at our borders,” a source inside the government told LCD Views. “People should be celebrating. This is exceptionally old school. It should be applauded. Why wire the money overseas in dribs and drabs when you can just fill suitcases with cold hard cash and really get a buzz out of your looming early retirement?”

The timing of the seizures is fortuitous too as British exports have entered a period of mysterious decline.

“This also shows that British exports are booming,” the source continued. “Taking taxpayers money and throwing it overseas to God knows where is completely in keeping with Brexit and proves the country is making a success of it.”

It’s not yet clear what the Treasury will make of the captured cash, but hopes are high they will simply attempt to give it away again to anyone who is prepared to set up a limited company at short notice.

“Rishi won’t be troubled by the news,” the source shrugs. “You don’t write off five billion in fraud without a backward glance if you understand what money is. He exists on a higher fiscal plane and is getting on with the job of delivering on what’s important to the British people. Today he is choosing a new hairstyle.”

Similarly for the Prime Minister, who it is claimed is still in office, the story will not be a concern.

“It’ll give him something to laugh about,” the source adds. “And God knows he needs it.”

Posted on

BREAKING : UK Government passes law banning colour televisions by “end of 2024”

IT’S THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE : The UK Government is said to be feeling exceptionally pleased with itself today after it snuck through a new law banning colour televisions while everyone was distracted by waiting for the Sue Gray report.

The ban will be phased in over the next two years with the poorest households in the UK forced to exchange their colour televisions for black and white ones to really get a full feel for the “1970’s style inflation, recession and cost of living crisis” that Mr Johnson’s administration is overseeing.

The ban will move up the household wealth level steadily, although it will be capped at households with an average annual income of over £200,000. The cap is to help reinforce the work of Brexit in taking every day luxuries out of the grasp of middle to low income earners and making them once again the preserve of the rich.

“The Monochrome Law will ensure that just like champagne and tomatoes the little day to day signifiers of change and progress are abolished,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “It’s hard to overemphasise the pain individuals like Mr Johnson experienced growing up and seeing the undeserving classes experience the same inherent liberties as himself. Can you imagine being told you’re the special one all through your childhood only to find some common pleb wandering through the immigration gates at Brussels with freedom of movement just like yourself? It was very harmful. But we’re now putting everyone back in their places. The banning of colour tv is just the latest step backwards for Blighty!”

But internal Tory critics of the new law did force the government into one concession.

“There is a concern that the removal of colour from the lives of Red Wall voters could see some return to Labour. For this reason it will still be possible for people who chose the wrong accident of birth to rent a colour television overnight to watch national festivities such as the Festival of Brexit. These televisions will be available at affordable rates from approved dealers.”

The dealers will be expected to prove a pre-existing relationship with a Conservative MP to be granted licences to “temporarily rent” TV’s to “low food chain strivers” at competitive rates.

“Going backwards to go backwards,” the source adds, “that’s our reason to get up in the morning. Oh, and to lord it over the poor to make ourselves feel good. I’m personally looking forward to downstreaming the food riots on my colour LCD TV.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson calls for Winston Churchill to become a saint to distract from Partygate

MOTHER OF PARLIAMENTS : THE UK’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS CALLED FOR WINSTON CHURCHILL TO BECOME SAINT WINSTON OF NORTH RUISLIP.

The call to canonise the famous British war leader is seen as “long overdue” by many in the Tory Party’s base who think it will really “wind up the snowflakes” while also “appeasing internal critics.”

While it’s thought the Church of Rome may not be too interested in the idea there is a parallel plan to create a new Church of Brexit and have Pope Mogg do the necessary paperwork.

Quite what miracles will be sighted isn’t yet clear, although “mythologising the memory” of Churchill is sited as sustaining Mr Johnson’s political career in a miraculous way.

“This is a Johnson idea,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the details aren’t important. If he’s still interested in it tomorrow we’ll have some intern smash out a powerpoint display with whatever bullet points they can think of.”

But critics of the move claim that it is only being suggested to distract everyone from the ongoing Partygate scandal which threatens Mr Johnson’s stellar career in a way serial lying, gross hypocrisy, lack of substance, catastrophic management of the pandemic, endless scandals involving IT tutors, economic incontinence so severe the entire economy is at risk, destruction of the UK’s trade base, lying to the Queen, serial cowardice, reduction of the UK’s international stock to junk status, racist immigration policies and attempts to destroy civil liberties has so far left untroubled.

“If it gets him out of Partygate it will be a miracle indeed,” the insider added. “The police holding off reporting if he’s getting anymore fines ahead of the locals is a minor miracle as it is. But by the time he’s finished racking up the fines only intervention from heaven will suffice. By then it will be clear as people died in their 10’s of 1,000’s isolated from their loved ones he was just getting hammered and asking donors to pay for his wallpaper. Which is personal in a way creating food insecurity across the country and threatening its very future could never be.”

Posted on

PM tells Tory MPs he’s ”Going down to Hades and coming back with Thatcher” to revive party prospects

THE MIDAS TOUCH : BRITAIN’S most successful bullshitter and also its Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has spoken to the Conservative Party’s MPs this weekend to fill them with “vim and vigour” ahead of the local elections next month.

It’s widely expected that the governing party may pay a price for twelve years of ruining the country in the service of greed and flawed ideology, but not if Boris can do something about it.

The decision to journey to the Underworld was thought to have been inspired by Mr Johnson’s vague recollections of the Classics he studied at university, even if most of his energy at the time was dedicated to shaming oiks who got into Oxford on scholarships.

“It will be like Eurydice and Orpheus,” he told the captured audience. “Or rather Rydice and Boris as the EU has nothing to do with it!”

It’s not yet known how he convinced the Gods to allow him to enter Hades on his quest or which Tory donor paid the Ferryman to allow him to make the passage. Focus has turned to domestic donors after the Ferryman announced he was no longer taking payment in roubles.

But unlike the famed and tragic Greek hero of myth Mr Johnson is not anticipating any perverse conditions placed on his quest to lead Mrs Thatcher away from death and back to life.

“The Gods of the Underworld can’t wait to get rid of her,” an insider told LCD Views. “She keeps attempting to sell off the infrastructure to private interests and banging on about how her father had a shop.”

If Mr Johnson is successful he plans to undertake a national tour with the reanimated Goddess of the Tory Party to revive its electoral prospects.

“We can’t keep on promising a lovely day tomorrow when it’s clear all we do is ruin the place,” one Tory MP commented. “But bringing back Thatcher? That will perfectly complete the rehash of the 70’s were currently overseeing. She’s the right figurehead to oversee the response to the coming food riots.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Boris Johnson says he wants “to get on with introducing cannibalism”

A VERY BRITISH MEAL : The outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given a press interview to celebrate getting the hell out of the country.

Speaking to the media today he said he wanted to draw a line under Partygate because he was “bored” of “commoners” mentioning how their loved ones died alone while he got smashed at a “work party”. He said he was focused now on fulfilling the promise of Brexit and “delivering cannibalism to the entire United Kingdom”.

The prospect of cannibalism has long enthused his party’s MPs who now see ripping the public off as tiresome because “There is no challenge in it anymore. Once you get away with lying to the Queen and remain in office you really need a bigger hit”.

Mr Johnson said he was proud of the steps taken already to achieve cannibalism and rising living costs were just part of his plan to have Britons eat each other “alive preferably” while he watches, but frozen solid in the depths of winter would also present “a unique opportunity to stick it up the French who think they know all there is about cooking”.

Quite when cannibalism will be achieved wasn’t said because that would be to contradict the Prime Minister’s standard way of going about business.

“You always promise a brighter day tomorrow regardless of the catastrophe you have made of today,” Mr Johnson said. “And the cooking fires of Britain will be exceptionally bright once we harness the wood of the commons and consume one another in the greatest show of solidarity and Great British can do seen since the end of WW2”.

TO achieve this fire lit upland all the British public have to do is continue to allow the Tories to pursue the insane policies they have since returning to office in 2010.

“We don’t have a clue about running a country,” Mr Johnson admitted. “But we don’t have to. That’s what the tabloids are for.”

For her part the Home Secretary is said to be “wet with anticipation” and “smacking her chops” at the chance to eat children as opposed to just impoverish them. Believing additionally that if the UK gains a reputation as a land eating itself alive it will finally deal a death blow to the problem of people wanting to come and make a live for themselves on Blighty.

Bon appetit.

Posted on

Boris Johnson to focus on what matters to the electorate and “lie more convincingly next time”

PORKY PIES : THE UK’S Prime Minister is widely applauded for leading a successful war against truth. There is no barricade of fact, no bastion of reason, no citadel of common sense he will not charge head first against. This is how he got Brexit done while failing to get it done but convincing lots of voters he’d got it done.

But the Partygate scandal threatens to tarnish a reputation for evasion and deflection well deserved after decades misleading the public for personal gain. To suggest that the mere matter of getting hammered on multiple occasions in contravention of lockdown laws will be enough to stop this juggernaut of contempt is to underestimate the capacity for moral fibre of his supporters. To fail to stand in wonder at a group of MPs, and a public, who watch the soap opera of his political life and think, yeah, let’s have more of that. Maybe he can pull off lying to the Queen twice? Maybe he can take more IT lessons? What were fishermen again?

“So long as we think he can win us elections it doesn’t matter how low we allow our democracy to be dragged,” any number of self-serving Conservative MPs told LCD Views. “Who will help us feather our nest without Boris? Who will help us dwell solely in a mind palace of fantasy decorated with titles, peerages and palaces that convince the humdrum conman he is something else?”

Truth, respect, accountability, the public good, all of these things are nothing set against how big a splash one overgrown child can make in high office.

“He’s just got to get back to basics,” any number of spineless, rent a vote Tory MPs tells us. “He’s got to lie more convincingly or I’ll have to heed my electorate. It’s hard to spin this Partygate bollocks convincingly. Although happily the taste of sick is washed out by the benefits of being in office by his favour.”

You can do it Boris. Get Partygate Done! Comforting lies are what matters to the voters even as the evidence to the contrary grows in the cost of living crisis.

“The trick is to make their daily life so hard they don’t have time to properly think about us,” random Tory says. “But not so hard they’ll come for our grace and favour palaces.”

Posted on

Deportation of refugees to Rwanda to be centrepiece of 2022 VE Day celebrations

YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO : No one can forget the wonderful conga lines of the 2020 VE Day celebrations as the novel virus weaved its way through the UK’s cities, towns and villages. Global Britons got out the bunting and thumbed their noses at the basic reality of how a virus spreads, encouraged by their government.

“We showed the world who we were that day and we’ve not stopped since,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We didn’t even have a vaccine then but we weren’t letting the prospect of tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths stop us having a party! And this year we’re going to show the world again what is important to us.”

While many had expected May 8th to be a sombre and reflective day this year, what with war raging in the east of Europe, 10 Downing Street is thought to be minded to use the day to really “own the libs”.

“What an opportunity to get partygate off the headlines,” the source enthuses. “And what an opportunity to make sure that everyone on Earth can see that access to refuge in the UK is very much colour coded. You can’t get more Brexit than that.”

It’s believed the ‘Go Home Vans’ that announced Theresa May’s principles as she took control of the Home Office, will be given a bit of “spit and polish” and refitted with images of desperate people in the English Channel.

“It’ll be a story board style public declaration as the vans tour the country,” the source explains. “The first van will show images of refugees from WW2. The second Nigel Farage’s famous ‘Breaking Point’ poster and after that it’ll be people in the English Channel going straight into camps far, far away. Once they’re out of sight, they’re out of mind. At least that is what we hope will happen. It doesn’t really matter what happens to them, just so long as the screaming void in Priti Patel’s soul is fed each and every day.”

The Prime Minister is expected to drive the first van because “fetishising WW2 is what he does”, even if his every act as PM shows he learned none of the lessons of that horrible conflict.

“Mr Johnson sees himself as the Pied Piper of refugees. He’s really enthusiastic about it. Their potential to excite his supporters is an opportunity too good to miss and should help push Partygate far away from the headlines.”

Posted on

BREAKING : PM to appear on new postage stamps showing defiance to lockdown laws during pandemic

PARTY LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW : THE UK’S LAW BREAKING PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, is to appear on a set of new postage stamps to be (forcibly) issued by the Royal Mail, an unreliable and invented source claims.

The stamps are aimed at capitalising on the PM’s “staying power” in No 10 and his “easy attitude to lawbreaking in high office”. It’s thought they will also really show the “plebs who is boss” ahead of the May local elections.

But controversy is set to accompany the release of the stamps as the Queen’s head will be replaced by Carrie Johnson’s in the top corner.

“Boris lied to the Queen and stayed in power. Carrie went from mistress to girlfriend to wife in the blink of an eye. Who would have thought a young lady that was present at the launch of the Conservative Friends of Russia group would have risen so high and so fast? It’s right she features in a symbolic way.”

The cost of the new stamps will also be novel with the usual pounds and pence value replaced by a broken heart to symbolise the people who were dying of the virus while the PM and mates held their parties.

“It’s likely the stamps will be issued free of charge,” the source adds. “The British people have already paid a high price for them.”

On a happier note though the stamps will mark a return to traditional British postage.

“It will only be possible to affix these stamps to an envelope or parcel by licking the backside,” the source informs. “There won’t be any of that newfangled ready glue on the back of them that is activated simply by removing the backing paper. You’ll literally have to lick Johnson’s backside to use the stamps.”

It’s believed the stamps will be intensely popular among Tory MPs and other “arselickers” who keep Johnson in power no matter how egregiously he undermines the rule of law, representative democracy and the UK’s international standing.

Posted on

Rishi Sunak ”marked safe” from being sacked after breaking the same law as Boris Johnson

MIRROR IMAGES : BRITAIN’S MOST ECONOMICALLY ILLITERATE CHANCELLOR SINCE THE LAST TORY CHANCELLOR, RISHI SUNAK, is said to be feeling “safe” and “happily styling his hair again” this morning after reaching a mental “happy place” over the Partygate fines.

Speculation had been building for some time that both the Prime Minister and the born to rule power pack of neoliberal economic horseshit, aka Sunak, may have to resign their positions in disgrace if found guilty of breaking the lockdown law. Happily for both men they retain the support of Tory colleagues who “can no longer recognise anything approaching dignity” or their duty to uphold representative democracy.

It does not necessarily mean the Chancellor will stay on though after his plan to “squeeze the last ounce of aspiration and cash” out of the great unwashed has been made more tricky by his family’s tax affairs.

“We’re taking it one day at a time,” an unreliable and likely invented source inside No 11 Downing Street told LCD Views. “We are continuing in our power struggle with Mr Johnson and hope that leaking more information about lawbreaking inside No 10 won’t backfire next time. As soon as Johnson finishes playing at being a war leader we’ll go again. We’ve got the time and we’ve got the money.”

Quite what the British public is supposed to make of the gross hypocrisy at the highest levels of government isn’t a concern.

“People will be too busy collecting firewood from the commons to heat their dirty hands over in their frozen living rooms to worry about what their betters are up to.”

An added advantage of refusing to resign for both breaking the law and misleading parliament is that it’s another “notch of Johnson’s governmental bedhead”.

“He’s basically shagged democratic accountability senseless by lying to the Queen and getting away with. Also by taking the country out of the EU on the back of a pack of lies. So to have been found to have been criminally partying while most people did the right thing and stayed home really shows the British public is complete and absolute determination to screw them senseless. They keep voting for us. They must want it.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson to resign in a specific and limited way

RESIGNED TO HIS FATE: Boris Johnson is today’s Cnut. He stands proudly on the red, white and blue sands, holding up his hand in a futile gesture to command the tide. The waves are coming up the beach. They are round Boris Johnson’s ankles and rising swiftly. 

“Nothing to see here,” he assures us, lashing out defensively. “I am secure, feet on solid ground, the tide is turning, no no no! don’t look at the water!, cogito ergo sum, erm, vaccines!! Wiff waff! Have you met my new bezzy mate Zelensky yet?” 

We have absolute proof, as if it were needed, of Prime Ministerial fibbing. Both Johnson and Wishy Washy Rishi Sunak have been fined for attending illegal parties that, according to both, never happened. 

Obviously this is a resigning offence for both. But Johnson has his excuses ready, if nothing else. 

“If I was at these parties, which I wasn’t, as they didn’t happen, and were work meetings with booze, karaoke and disco, which I knew nothing about, even though I was there, IN A SUIT BECAUSE I WAS WORKING, and it’s all a complete fiction anyway, what do the police know, they’re only experts after all, then obviously I would have to resign, but I won’t, because I wasn’t even there, and it’s all the fault of the last Labour government, and it’s not fair!” he waffled. 

He recovered himself slightly, shifting unsteadily as the waters approached his waist. 

“I’m sorry if anyone feels that I’ve done anything wrong,” he continued. “I’ve said what has to be said, there will be no resignations, well Rishi will have to go, of course, but for myself, I’m only resigning in a specific and limited way. By which I mean, it’s time to move on, I’m still Prime Minister, and nobody can stop me!” 

The rest of his speech was lost as he disappeared below the briny waters.