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Money solves nothing, says millionaire raising taxes and cutting benefits

LOVE OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL: And it’s vital that The People are weaned off their addiction to cash. Tax rises and benefit cuts are for their own good. 

Factor in the increases in the price of food and fuel, and most of the British population will be going cold turkey. After all, who needs money? The government, after all, employs world beating experts on financial matters. They hoard all the dosh, on behalf of the rest of us. And it’s all for our own good. 

The foremost expert, naturally, has an enormous quantity of money, but this merely qualifies him to tell us how unimportant it is. 

“Money solves nothing,” announced the millionaire, Rishi Sunak, during his pre-budget pre-leak pre-speech. “OK, so it helps to keep a roof over your head, and food on the table, and other such luxuries. It’s time that the British people learned to find new ways to survive. After all, our distant ancestors didn’t have money, and they survived! Just about.” 

Making life unnecessarily difficult for millions of people is simply doing them a favour. 

“Like many other people, I get bored easily,” Sunak explained. “Money doesn’t help, to be honest. It’s like a test, to see if you can negotiate a set of hurdles. It’s like teaching a lab rat to dance a polka, and rewarding them with food. It’s good to have a challenge!” 

If that’s so, then how come it doesn’t apply to a millionaire who is married to a billionaire? 

“I have a hobby!” said Sunak. “It occupies a great deal of my time. I would recommend everyone to get a hobby, once they have worked out how to survive and thrive with absolutely no resources!” 

And what is this hobby of yours? 

“Raising taxes and cutting benefits!” he said. “It keeps me nicely busy.”

And presumably working out how to stop Russian funds ever reaching anyone who might actually need them. 

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“Just a mystery everything has gone to hell under Boris” – Downing Street inquiry

SEEING IS BELIEVING : 10 DOWNING STREET have released the details of a long awaited public inquiry into the impact of Prime Minister Boris Johnson on standards of living in the United Kingdom, and it makes for comforting reading for the PM.

“There have been some murmurings from traitors in recent weeks that it’s Mr Johnson’s fault that everything is going to hell in a handcart,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, as he revealed the single A4 sheet of paper comprising the report into living standards.

“After an exhaustive wine and cheese event, during which living standards were discussed, we can reassure everyone that nothing is the fault of Boris. And all that Russian cash in Tory coffers has had no impact on decision making for over a decade. Also the decision to scale back green incentives some years back left us well placed to ramp them up in the current crisis.”

It is hoped the findings will help put paid to suggestions that the PM is terrible at governance, couldn’t really give a toss about your lives and surrounds himself with yes people who are more interested in wasting your money on professional photographers for social media postings then actually working out how to stop everything from the cost of living to plagues ruining your lives.

“Mr Johnson is deeply, deeply committed to the wellbeing of all of his subjects,” the spokesman affirmed. “Just look at how the stars aligned for that woman who was held prisoner for years in Iran. What was her name? Anyway, the details aren’t important. The moment we needed Iranian gas and oil she was free! See how the stars align under Boris!”

To celebrate the findings 10 Downing Street is planning a billboard campaign called “It’s a lovely day tomorrow”, which will place prominent images of happy, smiling people above the queues for food banks.

“The ruinous rise in heating costs is another example of the magic of the PM,” the spokesman added. “If you’re in the energy sector and wholesale prices are 1/3 of your costs you get to multiply those costs by the hundreds of percent and completely drain away the last financial reserves of the public. But the media will help you look elsewhere. In this way Mr Johnson can enjoy his champagne while sat on his gold toilet.”

As to what is causing everything to deteriorate, now that we know it isn’t the lies and incompetence of the government, the spokesman has some reassurance.

“It’s a complete mystery, but we suspect it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”

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BREAKING : MPs demand multi-million pound pay rise after losing major sponsor

PAY TO PLAY : NUMEROUS UK WORLD LEADING CONSERVATIVE MPS are said to be deeply moved and distressed over the warmongering of Russian President Vladimir Putin and what it means for the United Kingdom’s governance.

Strong and stable government has been the hallmark for the UK since the Tories returned to power in 2010 but the revolutions in public funding, the reduction of the UK defence forces and the great strides towards glorious isolation made by successive Tory governments doesn’t come for free. The paltry financial rewards for public service available in the UK system must be beefed up to ensure a vigorous government.

“I’m not going to name any names,” an anonymous and fictional MP told LCD Views, “but we’ve had to set up the Sponsorship Research Group to look into ways to replace the funding we’ve abruptly lost because of the war in Ukraine.”

Correlation is not of course causation.

“Clearly the millions in donations from Putin linked figures over the years were merely philanthropic because of his desire to spread democracy as far as possible,” the MP stated. “Nothing was ever asked for in return. Not even Brexit. We thought that up all by ourselves because we’re the biggest empire in Europe. I repeat we never did any service in return for the donations. Nothing was ever asked of us. We were just happy to be able to help all those oligarchs manage their portfolios.”

Quite how the public will feel about replacing the millions in future donations lost isn’t yet clear, but it’s felt by the SRG that the public must pay.

“It’s only fair. They keep voting for us in spite of our record in government.”

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MPs awarded pay rise because it’s hard work being that shit

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR : Not much is able to push passed the possibility of WW3 in the news cycle at the moment but a £2,200 pay rise for the UK’s members of parliament managed it and armed waved around for several hours.

Many UK voters may feel it’s a bit rum for MPs to be getting a boost in their pay just as the same voters look at taking out a second mortgage just to pay for petrol at the pump and their weekly grocery shop. The justification given is the increased workload caused by the pandemic.

“It’s been brutal,” one Tory backbencher told LCD Views. “You try maintaining an extramarital affair in that climate! Just look at what happened to Matt Hancock. All the money I had to shell out just to keep my bi-weekly meetings with Tricycle secret was exceptionally egregious. Not to mention having to make time to stand on my doorstep and clap for a few weeks. This pay rise doesn’t go far enough.”

Other MPs are also coming out to support the boost.

“Look at what we’ve achieved since 2010? We’ve created great food and energy insecurity in the UK just before a time of heightened food and energy insecurity and insane inflationary pressures. We’ve achieved the diplomatic isolation of the UK, and everyone thinking we’re total idiots, just before the biggest international crisis for generations. We reduced our military impressively too. Although we did produce one airplane free aircraft carrier which we immediately sent off to the Pacific. Genius. Now you get to our management of the pandemic. We wrote the rules to suit the lifestyles of ourselves and our donors. The avoidable death toll we achieved was truly world leading. I could go on, but you get the picture, you’ve been living through it.”

Essentially the pay rise is justified because “it’s hard work being this shit”.

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Boris Johnson hails Covid Bonus as healthy workers gain loads of overtime

WIN WIN WIN: Forget Brexit Dividends, now we have Covid Bonuses! To every downside, there is an equal and opposite upside. Except Brexit, of course, which only has upsides by definition, as we all know.

Workers up and down the land are dropping like flies. Although Boris Johnson and his sociopathic cronies Got Covid Done, the virus itself is immune to government propaganda and is making merry. 

The upshot of this is that the frail, elderly and unlucky are being removed from the population. Many more are being incapacitated. This means more work for the fit and healthy patriotic British people to do.

Many people are having to cover for covid-affected colleagues. This, claims Johnson, is a great op[portunity to claim lots of overtime.

Johnson made the claim at an event styled “The Man, The Myth, The Magic”. This has nothing to do with Vladimir Putin, or even Marcus Rashford. It is simply a vehicle to promote Boris Johnson in lieu of his having to do any actual work. In policy terms, it bears about as much resemblance to genuine progress as creative accounting does to financial accuracy.

Johnson took the stage amid a flurry of dry ice, to rousing music. He ruffled his already untidy hair, gave his trademark faux-bashful grin, and took the podium with the same lack of grace as Donald Trump.

“Friends, Russian countrymen, lend me your money!” he stuttered, to a standing ovation. “Yes, yes, yes, no, yes, we will show the EU how to buy influence and give backhanders to your mates! We will fight them on the beaches, we will overcome, we will we will rock you! More sick people means more overtime for those who are British enough to stay fit and well! Yes! Wiff waff!”

And it’s almost certain that Johnson will claim that this was the intended outcome all along.

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PM to stand next to Farage’s “Breaking Point” poster to remind UK voters why he can’t just let refugees in

WE’RE NOT RACISTS BUT : The UK has cut a decisive path for itself since allowing Nigel Farage to decide its entire policy platform and future. As such a refugee crisis involving largely white people from Europe has proven a most unhelpful event.

“We’ve gained power by activating a deep racist undercurrent in UK society,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “Who can recall the day Nigel Farage revealed his famous Breaking Point poster in the EU referendum campaign back in 2016 and not understand how we got to where we are? And more importantly, how the PM got to be PM in the first place. Recent events in Europe are really unhelpful. It’s incredibly tricky to navigate.”

Luckily for the current administration there is a swathe of famous individuals taking to the airways to explain that this war is different because the refugees are white and so it’s not confusing. Therefore there’s no disconnect to our attitude to Europeans needing assistance en masse and the different approach often taken to people from further away.

“There is still a lot of unwelcome pressure to do more on refugees though,” the source explains. “It’s a bit of a pickle. You have hand chosen Tory MPs selected because they were prepared to endorse Brexit, a deeply racist project with an underbelly that is all hatred of foreigners and here they are demanding we help foreigners? It’s not on really. We got Brexit done. We got it done knowing that the man behind the Breaking Point poster was one of its spiritual architects. But now we’re supposed to let people back in? WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THAT ABOUT? We just don’t get it.”

But to help explain the apparent inability of the UK government to match the swift action of other European states the PM is going to personally make an example of himself.

“Mr Johnson will unveil a new edition of Mr Farage’s Breaking Point poster outside 10 Downing Street today and stand next to it beaming,” the source says. “This way everyone will know why it’s really hard to let anyone into the country and hope to maintain a poll lead.”

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BREAKING : Priti Patel distributes signed photos of herself to Ukrainian refugees in Calais “instead of visas”

RAMPED UP GENEROSITY : HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL has responded to surprising criticism of her department’s inability to react effectively to the latest refugee crisis in Europe by getting “directly involved in a personal and touching way”.

The plan appears to be designed to lift the spirits of people attempting to find sanctuary in the UK, while they negotiate the perfectly reasonable demands of the UK’s refugee visa system, which has been designed to weed out people who “just want to come here for health tourism”.

The new initiative will see everyone waiting to have their fingerprints taken given a signed photo of Priti Patel who has had a new professional portrait taken for just that purpose. Although rumours suggest that the decision to involve photography has led to tension with the Foreign Secretary Liz Truss who is understood to demand “Instagram and other social media platforms remain her exclusive policy domain”.

But the Home Office has responded to reports of tension by saying that any criticism is completely unwarranted and once the images of cheerful refugees clasping images of Ms Patel are broadcast on TV the scheme will be expanded to cover any areas in Europe where people are gathering seeking assistance.

“If they want to come to the UK they need to know what life in the UK is like,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “They need to know who will be governing them and waiting for just the right moment to have the Daily Mail start running stories designed to shift the public mood to throwing them right back out again.”

The Prime Minister is thought to have endorsed the scheme, although was critical of the lack of choice of image.

“The PM is leading the world in the response to the crisis in Ukraine, but he’s taken time out of his afternoon wine and cheese schedule to pen a note to Ms Patel encouraging her to make the portraits available in both gloss and matt and for the recipients to decide which one they receive,” a Downing Street source said, on the way to the cheese shop.

“The UK is leading European leaders in the PR campaign to be seen to be doing something. The distribution of the portraits will have them green with envy,” the Home Office spokesman added. “This is ramped up UK generosity in action and the best you can expect from the current government.”

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Inviting Ukrainians into the UK will only encourage Putin to invade Poland, claims Priti Patel

DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT £200: The best way to end a conflict is to refuse to appease a dictator. According to Go Home Secretary Priti Patel, appeasement means housing refugees fleeing from war waged by sociopathic dictators. 

And once you start to accept foreigners across your borders – even deserving ones – you risk creating a free for all, a flood of migrants, a swarm of filthy foreign freeloaders invading willy nilly. These will create strains on the NHS, the education services, and probably everything else that can’t cope because of savage government cuts. 

The trouble is that, once Putin realises that the UK is such a soft touch, he is bound to displace lots more foreigners from lots more countries. This in turn will reveal the failures of the British government, and that is inexcusable. 

“Putin should leave the bullyin’ to me!” smirked Patel. “It’s a sign of strength! It’s about time we were showin’ Uncle Vlad who’s in charge here. He must not be encouraged to do any more invadin’! We will not be puttin’ Putin in control!” 

Patel was convinced of Putin’s intentions. 

“Next thing we know he will be wantin’ to invade Poland!” she shrieked. “If we allow refugees into the UK, then before you know it he will occupyin’ all of Europe, and sendin’ a hundredty dozen and eleventy froggies and krauts over here. That’s not what we voted for! They won’t all pay £50 to get out of Europe free!” 

It’s the end of the world as we know it, she claimed. And it could all be prevented by takin’ a hard line on refugees. 

“We are leadin’ the world as usual!” she boasted. “Closin’ the borders is the only way of tellin’ Putin where we are drawin’ the line! Otherwise it’s Ukraine today, the rest of the world tomorrow, and that simply won’t be happenin’!” 

Bein’ nice is a weakness. Tough on war, tough on the casualties of war. 

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PM unveils “world leading” six point plan to wait until EU countries deal with refugee crisis

GET ON WITH IT : BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has revealed a world leading plan to assist with the dramatic refugee crisis ongoing as the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues.

“No one with a heart could fail to be moved by the images we are seeing,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “This explains the speed at which Downing Street and the Home Secretary are moving.”

The plan is said to be centred on “sound bites” and the “appearance of activity” while in actuality “dragging our heels like a mule”. It’s believed it is motivated by a deep concern that the racists in the PM’s base support will start to “lose their shit and go red in the face on QT” if too many vulnerable people receive British support.

“It’s easier clearly,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “These are white Christians so there’s not all that confusion like in more recent refugee crises. But they’re probably still commies and so…well…if your entire intellectual appetite is the Daily Mail or the Telegraph, it’s a journey to assist anyone.”

But to reinforce the perception that something is being done the actual six points have been stated.

  1. Dither
  2. Delay
  3. Have Liz post pictures on Instagram
  4. PM to pose with soldiers
  5. Create a confusing and mind boggling system to access visas.
  6. Explain how we’re leading the world ad nauseam until it all goes away.

There is also an unpublished seventh point which is understood to be “privately grin like a Cheshire Cat that Putin’s war has swept the Partygate scandals and the alleged pandemic mass fraud by Tory donors right off the front pages.“

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Europe must stand together, says man who staked his career on splitting it up

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR OWN DESTINY: Until the rest of the world unites and forces us to take sides. Are we to follow the right course, and unite? Or follow the money? 

No. Global Britain leads, indeed it MUST lead, or Brexit was all for nothing. And that can never be true. 

One man who knows this less well than anyone else is the country’s figure-arse and Clown Prince, Boris Johnson. If ever there is a man who cannot see the connection between his actions and their consequences, it is he. 

“England must stand alone and get Ukraine done!” he declared. “When we all stand together, we are stronger, erm, yes, no, well, apart from England which is stronger alone, you see, quod facit memorandum, vaccines!, the wicked EU has been holding us back, and front, and a bit off the sides. Leave enough to mess up, you know, vaccines!, save my bacon, mmm, bacon sandwiches, mmm, wiff waff, no, no, no, no, yes!”

It’s almost as if Churchill himself were reincarnated, to speak gibberish while pissed as fuck on premium Russian vodka. 

“Yes, no, yes, possibly, who knows, I certainly don’t,” he continued reassuringly. “There’s a thing to be done, which we will do, eventually, there, I’ve said it, that means we are faster than the EU, and it’s a jolly good job we left, so we can tell them to stand up to Putin with us, so we work together, which we couldn’t do when we were in the EU, just because. So there!”

What Johnson can’t admit is that he only ripped the UK out of the EU so that he could continue to receive Russian bribes. So he can’t take serious action without losing face or losing money or losing power. As those are the only things that motivates him, apart from recreational drugs and rumpy-pumpy, his only course of action is to dither until it all blows over. Which could take years, of course. 

Meanwhile, the USA is bypassing the UK to deal with the EU direct, in order to counter the threats from the East. Super lightweight Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has also been bypassed, to such an extent that she has been spamming the world with photos from outside rooms where the real diplomacy is taking place. 

England stands alone. All alone. Sad and unfriended. Sovereignty! freedom! Hey… hello! hello!… anybody there?… hello?