TIN POT GONNA TIN POT : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure this morning to confirm the UK Government still exists after suitcases of Covid cash were seized at the country’s borders.
The giveaway of taxpayers money during the pandemic was of course rigorously overseen by inheritance millionaires and other people who achieved their high positions in public life through sheer hard work and inherent talent. No patriot would suggest otherwise.
Quite how billions in fraud could just be written off with a nonchalant shrug by the PM and Chancellor is not an act worth worrying anyone’s pretty little head over. YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR GAS AND FOOD BILLS ANYWAY. But the attempt to take some of the defrauded cash out of the country in suitcases will raise eyebrows among the usual suspects.
“It’s an example of how robust the controls are at our borders,” a source inside the government told LCD Views. “People should be celebrating. This is exceptionally old school. It should be applauded. Why wire the money overseas in dribs and drabs when you can just fill suitcases with cold hard cash and really get a buzz out of your looming early retirement?”
The timing of the seizures is fortuitous too as British exports have entered a period of mysterious decline.
“This also shows that British exports are booming,” the source continued. “Taking taxpayers money and throwing it overseas to God knows where is completely in keeping with Brexit and proves the country is making a success of it.”
It’s not yet clear what the Treasury will make of the captured cash, but hopes are high they will simply attempt to give it away again to anyone who is prepared to set up a limited company at short notice.
“Rishi won’t be troubled by the news,” the source shrugs. “You don’t write off five billion in fraud without a backward glance if you understand what money is. He exists on a higher fiscal plane and is getting on with the job of delivering on what’s important to the British people. Today he is choosing a new hairstyle.”
Similarly for the Prime Minister, who it is claimed is still in office, the story will not be a concern.
“It’ll give him something to laugh about,” the source adds. “And God knows he needs it.”