Posted on

2500BCE : Alien archaeologists call off inquiry into collapse of human society after finding no mask selfies

ZORGON VII INVESTIGATES : The secrets yielded up by the last fragment of digital cloud on the Planet Earth have brought a dramatic halt to the archaeological inquiry into the collapse of human civilisations in the 21st century (of one of their calendars).

“It has long been believed that human civilisations collapsed as a result of electing barely sentient, ageing males into the positions of high priests. Essentially even mass human sacrifice at the hands of these rudimentary creatures couldn’t appease the God Mammon. We know this by translating the rubbish and juvenile human technology of television. Its signals are still clattering their way out into the galaxy and driving far flung civilisations nuts. Especially ‘The Apprentice’. Had humans not extinguished themselves it’s highly likely the interstellar council would have taken the decision to do it for them. You’re fired humans! Ha!”

The archaeologists involved in the study of Earth had first taken an interest when the last of the television signals were received on their home planet.

“It suddenly went quiet,” lead researcher Zorgon VII said, “we were actually anticipating the first Game of Thrones spin off and nothing. I turned on the human technology simulator and it was just blank. I tried again the next week and still nothing. Not even a Trump rally. It was all very strange. So we decided to spend the four hundred or so years it would take to travel to Earth and investigate on the ground.”

And what they found was not what they expected.

“Whales have started farming. Which is nice. They’ve industrialised krill production. They’re about to commodify it. So, in spite of our earlier expectations they’re probably stuffed too. Which is a shame. Most of the land is under forest of course. Spider Monkeys shagging is now a niche musical genre at home, after we tight beamed it back and some kid remixed it with a contemporary tune.”

But what happened to the humans?

“Anti-maskers. As far was we can tell. There’s still a bit of digital cloud floating about over what was once called New Zealand. It lives in a server powered by a solar array that is still functioning. Just. We got everything we needed from there. They were allowed to get onto aircraft and go on holidays. This carried the new virulent variety of Covid-19 across the Earth and killed the lot. It mutated in a vegetable aisle in Waitrose and before anyone realised what was up it was game over.”

The anti-maskers would be very proud, if they were still alive.

“If they were still alive we would have lifted back off into orbit and nuked the lot of them. Just to be sure.”

Posted on

“It’s not me, it’s you” – Government Defends Spain Quarantine Measures

The newest quarantine policy was announced so late on Saturday that the government had to bring in Charlie Lines, an aid frequently used during late night sittings, which explains more than a thing or two.

Subsequently, a spokesman issued a statement outside No 10 this morning.

“The government denies short-termism and insists the new measures, whatever they are, are fully in line with long term policy. The measures will also be extended to include the whole of Europe and run until December the 31st.”

The new measures have nothing to do with trade negotiations with the EU. Let us be clear.

Asked why the PM was not making the announcement, he offered a completely feasible explanation.

“The PM is an old friend of Charlie Lines and had spent most of the night talking in the upstairs flat. He will make a statement when he comes down later today. If you’re lucky he will have made a visual representation of the new policy out of empty wine crates.”

Asked why the year end date had been chosen, he was absolutely believable.

“After the Brexit extension period ends restrictions will not be needed, as there will be no air travel to Europe anyway. We really have thought of everything.”

He went on to say, “People need to realise how serious we are about anymore of British taxpayer’s money going to the EU. That money is needed at home. We have to look after ourselves first.”

Pressed on whether this was the end of European holidays for Brits he replied, “Of course not, we are planning massive extensions at Manchester and Belfast airports. Travellers will fly to Belfast, get the train to Dublin, from where they are able to fly to anywhere in the world. It’s all part of our Northern Powerhouse agenda and may also get the DUP back on side, in time for the next election”.

We contacted the transport secretary, Grant Shapps, who denied being affected by the measures, as he was in Spain to access childcare while taking an eye test.

He further explained, “I was contacted by the PM late on Friday and informed that Helen Whateley had been moved from Health to the Department of Transport. He also told me she had to accompany me on my annual visit to the Sotogrande Yacht Show. This is huge and lasts for six months, the measures will have eased by the time we get back. And if they haven’t, we will use the parliamentary instrument called ‘Dom’s Defence’.”

LCD View’s understands, that following a recent TV interview, the Prime Minister wanted to broaden Helen’s horizons by having her travel more and was pleased to be getting her out of the country so soon.

“He had to move her from Health,” a source added, “a 12-month stint investigating herd immunity on The Serengeti will benefit her, and the entire country. Any rumours that it will have to be cancelled as she can’t get her injections in time should be discounted. We are hiding the right ministers at the right time.”

Asked what Global Britons should say to Spanish people in particular at the moment, if they bring up the new quarantine measures in the context of relative CV-19 mortality rates, the spokesman advised,

“Say it’s not me, it’s you. Then leg it. Works for Boris every time.”

Posted on

Theresa May fails cognitive test after only remembering three words “Brexit. Means. Brexit.”

WITH LEADERS LIKE THESE : CHIEF ARCHITECT OF THE HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT, sponsor of ‘Go Home Vans’, agile thinker and former prime minister, Theresa May, has put herself in an embarrassing situation today after failing a basic cognitive test.

“Ms May didn’t want to be left out of what is now seen as the gold standard in tests for global intellects,” an aide (claiming to be) to the former prime minister told LCD Views, “I guess seeing Donald Trump smashing it she must have remembered that romantic moment when she held his hand in Washington. She was moved. Which is not something you usually say about the politician who stood mute and incapable of activity for days in the face of the Grenfell disaster.”

Whether or not it was memories of walking with POTUS that inspired Ms May to get involved in the viral test isn’t really clear, but the results are.

“I guess it was easier for Mr Trump. Remembering, ‘I. Put. Kids. In. Cages’, that sticks with you. Maybe Ms May is still suffering from the impact of robotically repeating slogans her entire time in office?”

As that is all she was capable of when taking the test.

“She just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’. When someone whispered to her that it was five words she had to recall, she switched it up and tried ‘No Deal Is Better Than A Bad Deal’. That was too many words clearly. You can have too many memories. Ask anyone.”

But while Ms May was said to be attempting to shrug off the complete failure of her entire career (to achieve anything positive), experts are saying the result is actually worse than it seems.

“It’s really just two words,” a cognitive test expert opined, “Brexit and means. And no one knows what it means still. Not really. But they’re about to find out come January 1st 2021. Then you’ll only need four letter words to explain Brexit and its backers.”

Posted on

Newly formed ‘Kent Independence Party’ chooses a parked lorry as symbol

THE GRAND OLD KING OF THANET : Nigel Farage is in denial mode this morning after his latest political party set its sights on just the borders of Kent.

“NO, NO, let me speak,” Mr Farage told a pursed lipped Andrew Marr, as surprisingly, the BBC gave him a platform for his latest crusade.

“There is no suggestion, none whatsoever that Russian, or American money, is bankrolling my mission to free the good people of Kent from the tyrannical rule of the unelected bureaucrat in Downing Street. Ordinary Kent oligarchs are donating money to the cause in multiples of £25 thousands of individual times. This is a people’s revolution.”

And the formation of the Kent Independence Party is said to have taken Westminster by surprise, but is not seen as a serious threat to the integrity of the UK’s internal market.

“We didn’t see it coming,” a superforecaster said, “but then, we don’t see anything coming. We’re too busy telling ourselves about our own genius.”

But what slogan Mr Farage will choose to spearhead his latest battle to free his chosen people isn’t yet clear.

“Make Kent Great Again,” Mr Farage told Marr, “that’s not a slogan. It’s a divine mission. For too long the patriotic people of Kent have been held to ransom by Downing Street while thousands of illegal refugees flood our borders from Sussex. I am not even calling for a referendum this time, just the immediate and complete independence of Kent. Our capital will be Thanet. And we will be shortly issuing our own coins with myself, humbly, agreeing to the people’s demands to be the figurehead.”

Look out for the flags of the Kent Independence Movement being raised around the newly built lorry parks as Mr Farage strives for relevance.

Posted on

Boris Johnson celebrates Dominic Cummings’ first year in office

BY THEIR WORKS WILL THEY BE KNOWN : The masters’ puppet, Boris Johnson, has made a video to celebrate the puppet masters first year in the office of Prime Minister.

“Whaaa whaaa where do I start?” the fading blonde, limb stringed automaton started, answering his own question.

“Shall I start with the illegal Prorogation of Parliament? A real humdinger! Can you imagine a prime minister staying in office in an earlier epoch? If he’d lied to Her Majesty? Even a PM as clever as old Cummings/lliot/Trump/Koch/Mercer/Putin!”

No. Their party would have thrown them out of office.

“Maybe I should start with that oven ready Brexit? You know the slogan! It won Dom the GE while I masterfully hid from Morgan in a fridge. Real pizazz! Class act. Almost as dazzling as when I put that reporter’s phone in my pocket.”

Also definitely right up there with the “achievements”.

“Or maybe I should be more contemporary? Ye old plague that stalks the land because I couldn’t be bothered to stop making buses from old wine crates and go to the snake council? What snake is it? Python? Mamba? Cobra! That’s it! What do they do there again? I haven’t the foggiest! Bloody talking shop with no booze. Talking about boring the pants off you. I don’t need my pants bored off. They incinerate the moment I open my mouth.”

We think stick with your achievements during the pandemic.

“I said I’d solve the social care crisis. Bloody hell. Thanks to Covid-19, we’ve made a great start. Just imagine how we’ll build on it in 2021 with Brexit!”

Posted on

Dominic Raab advises food bank users “solve their temporary cash flow” problem by landing a PPE contract

THE MAN WHO HAS NEVER HEARD NO : FOREGIN SECRETARY Dominic Raab has today visited a food bank. There are no details concerning what food he brought to donate, if any.

“It’s best to visit the living testimonials to your government’s achievements,” an aide to the geographically challenged Foreign Secretary told LCD Views, “when you consider how withered the food bank sector was in 2010, and contrast that to now? Dominic has a lot to visit. He could basically do nothing but visit food banks and he would never rest. They should probably create a minister for visiting food banks. Especially when you think what’s coming down the line in 2021!”

But it’s not just enough to go to the places that speak to the heart of your governing philosophy, you have to dispense advice. You have to help people improve themselves. If only they believed they could land a high paying job. It’s all about achieving the right accident of birth to start with, and then building on it.

“He wasn’t mansplaining,” the aide was definite, “let’s get that settled right at the start. And mercifully he wasn’t attempting to teach anyone orienteering. Ha! Do you remember when he lost that entire classroom in the Brecon Beacons? Actually, you probably don’t. We hushed the entire fabricated story up. I’m sure the kids are being raised perfectly fine by the wolves. They’ll probably get a movie deal out of it when they finally claw their way out of a ravine and stumble into a town.”

Well, what did he say?

“He solved it for food bank users, experiencing temporary cash flow problems. He told them to get a government PPE contract, untendered, and they’d never want for money ever again. And the best part, you don’t actually have to deliver any PPE!”

Nice work if you can get it.

Posted on

Boris TIRDS to level up and power the North post Brexit

ASHES TO ASHFORD : Following events in Ashford we can exclusively reveal further developments are planned by our wise and all seeing government.

“Apparently, a government adviser took a wrong turning on the A1 and noticed a ferry port on the Humber,” our infrastructure specialist reports.

“He immediately contacted a friend, who owned local firm Goole Maps, to produce a report. After reading the report, cabinet ministers were shocked that such infrastructure existed outside the South East.”

The report also revealed, virtually all the ferry ports served EU/EEA destinations, and several extra lorry parks were needed.

Eight days ago, we were reliably informed, that Sylvester (Sly) Uppshot MP for Maidensvale will take on a new cabinet post to oversee the projects. We negotiated an early sighting of his report, in return for our help in getting some of his work published.

The report is too long to print in full, here are the main points.

Introduction.

All actions taken will involve a revolutionary new technique called joined up thinking, whereby each action will also support other areas of government policy. Something that has not been tried since 2015.

1. The new facilities will be named Transport Infrastructure for Rolling Departures (TIRD), lorries will queue using procedures developed for airports, areas will be festooned in tape and lorries will go round and round until custom checks become available.

2. Excluding the Humber Region, all supermarket car parks within 50 miles of a ferry port will be compulsory purchased, to make space for the TIRDs. Supermarkets will only be accessible on, recently invented, bikes with a basket, which will help tackle the obesity problem. The bikes, designed in Britain, will be made in Malaysia by Dai-Sun Inc. Shoppers unable or unwilling to cycle will have to return to Britain’s High Streets, giving them a much-needed boost.

3. The Humber Region facility will concatenate Immingham and Grimsby to form the large Grim Ouse TIRD, both towns will get their fair share of the TIRD.

All residential property will be demolished, the benefits will be enormous, as the State pays almost all the council tax and rent in the area. Residents will be re-housed on caravan sites in, recently renamed, Skagness. The new revenue generated will provide a shot in the arm to existing residents of this Great British resort. The treasury will also benefit via the new 50% VAT rate on luxury items, which includes caravan rental, children and brown sauce.

4. Due to its proximity to the U.S.A., Liverpool TIRD will include an extra facility for sensitive military cargoes. The section will be staffed by U.S. personnel and will include an aquatic centre, where staff can indulge in the popular American pastime of water boarding. UK athletes will also use the facility to prepare for the inclusion of water boarding in the Olympics. The resulting improvements in U.K./U.S. relations will be invaluable to the U.K. in future trade talks.

5. Each TIRD, will feature 500 statues of Kim Kardashian performing squatting exercises. This will help the Arts community, encourage exercise and also aid Britain’s green initiatives by encouraging cycling, as staff and customers will have somewhere to park their bikes. All lorries will be cleaned before they leave and represent Britain abroad. Staff from the pandemic media centre have been drafted in to do the job due to their extensive turd polishing skills.

“The government excel at producing TIRDS and having their mouth pieces polish them,” our specialist adds, “and deal or no deal, come the end of the year the country will be covered in them.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson to urge Scots to judge him by his actions and not his reputation

SMASHER IN CHIEF : HULK IS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SMASHES, British Prime Minister, Boris de piffle Johnson is also given to a bit of smash and grab. But unlike the famous green skinned superhero, Mr Johnson doesn’t break things fighting against injustice.

In this vein he’s off to Scotland to try and stop himself from breaking the Union.

“He’s got some great words planned,” an aide to the PM told LCD Views, “Dom’s worked him up a few slogans of course, but he’s also got some of the best, just the brightest, words of his own.”

And the words are occasionally multisyllabic.

“He’s going to reach right into the chests of Scots for their hearts. Grab those thumping organs and squeeze.”

But what is he going to say to them?

“He’s going to implore them to judge him by his actions and not his reputation.”

Right…

“To see him as he really is and not how he is portrayed in the biased right wing media.”

Are you sure they’ve thought this through?

“He’s going to ask the Scots to really think about why they voted to stay in the UK during the IndyRef in 2014. Was it because they liked being ruled by unelected bureaucrats? Or was it because of the way in which representative democracy is managed from Downing Street?”

It’s not too late to do something different you know?

“And he’ll finish by reminding them that we’re stronger together as a family of nations, values aligned, leveraging the strength of our combined industries, populations and the cost savings that come from a unified, single market.”

What date is Scottish independence again?

Posted on

Boris Johnson correctly identifies a fridge in cognitive test focused on hiding places

A VERY STABLE GENIUS : By now everyone has been impressed by the mental abilities of President Donald Trump, who recently wowed the globe with his ability to identify an elephant. But it’s not just across the pond where a stable genius reigns.

“Comrade Johnsonov sees Comrade Trumpski as setting the low bar for him to follow under, in all things,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “in accordance with this Boris Johnson has also done a cognitive test.”

But he’s done it with a twist.

“He did not want to be accused of plagiarism, at home and abroad, so he’s taken a cognitive test, just like POTUS, but he’s taken a different cognitive test.”

Very stable. Very genius.

“The test Mr Johnson has taken is identical actually to a test routinely taken by Conservative MPs. They’re not going to insult your intelligence by taking a test to identify animals. Their inaction on climate change will see all those animals go extinct anyway. What’s the point of identifying something that doesn’t exist? Mr Johnson has taken a test to identify something cold and hard.”

What? A type of fridge?

“Oh, he’s already aced that test. Live on TV during the general erection campaign last year. No. The test Mr Johnson has taken was to identify Roubles from a range of currency outlines.”

Oh! Much more impressive! Given all bank notes are essentially the same shape! Much better than an elephant (in the room).

“Yes, you could say he’s banked it.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson to cut ribbon at opening of London’s newest prestige laundromat

RINSE AND REPEAT : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSONOV IS A BUSY BOY THESE DAYS. Not only does he have to fit in a quarterly photoshoot with someone’s baby in his diary, he’s also to open London’s newest prestige laundromat.

“Not to mention tennis matches,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he barely has time to rest on his laurels. Someone is always wanting to pay to hit his balls. Which is odd, given how many these days would do it for free. Why dirty his hands with the filthy lucre?”

And additional to these current, pressing commitments, he now has to turn up and cut ribbons.

“It’s not only turning the other cheek to foreign interference in UK democracy. He’s got to open essential financial services. Part of the post Brexit plan. You know, when we end manufacturing and food production, but expand the laundry business. You need a respectable front for all that. A grand visage. So what better than a prestige laundry business? He’s cutting the ribbon at Kompromat tomorrow.”

Presumably he’s going to make it through the event in one piece?

“He has so far, his whole career. He’s a classic useful idiot. Also a vain and greedy and horny one. It all helps.”

But what exactly is Kompromat offering?

“At Kompromat they can clean anything for you. It doesn’t matter how dirty or bloody it is when it comes in. Reputations? Come out squeaky clean, at least on the surface. Money looted out of poor villages? Have you thought about pressing it through London’s housing market? Professional, but these days, not very discrete.”

Kompromat. It doesn’t matter what’s sticking to you. We can clean it off. Half price sale on reputational cleaning begins tomorrow. Something’s happened in the UK market and knocked the shine off.