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The Russia Report is 10 months out of date, says government that delayed it for 10 months

PUTIN ON THE RITZ: The long awaited Russia Report is useless because it’s out of date, according to Priti Patel among others. Any delays caused by a government unwilling to release it are purely coincidental.

This is the latest attempt to deflect attention from the damning report. Nigel “Mr Irrelevant” Farage was crowing about the infamous referendum, just for a change from harassing migrants. “There was no evidence of Russian interference!” he shouted gleefully to anybody unlucky enough to be in range. “So we got away with it!”

One hopes that Mr Farage can rest a little easier these days, although he is clearly affected by an excess of bile.

Oh so Priti Patel took a different tack. “The report has gone out of date while we have been sitting on it,” she smirked. “We have since tightened up our procedures, so that there is less of a paper trail for the Intelligence and Security Committee to follow.”

To put the matter to bed, Boris Johnson has elevated Evgeny Lebedev to the House of Lords. The presence of a Russian newspaper mogul, whose father was a KGB agent, and who made a fortune from the collapse of the USSR, is entirely reassuring.

The temptation to draw a parallel between Lebedev and the vultures awaiting the collapse of the UK, if not the EU, is strong. 

It is also tempting to deduce that powerful Russian interests are paying for Brexit, so they can clean up like Lebedev did. It is hard not to conclude that the same people are paying the government to ignore the evidence of interference, and to block the actions of the security services.

Indeed the Report makes this crystal clear. “The [REDACTED] paid for [REDACTED],” reads one ***-rated passage, unambiguously. “[REDACTED] used troll farms and bots to [REDACTED], and ensure that the referendum was [REDACTED].”

Julian Lewis, who was voted chair of the Committee in place of placemat Chris Grayling, published the Report, and had the whip removed as a reward. “[REDACTED]!!” was his pithy response.

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London Bridge to be demolished so Boris Johnson can promise to rebuild it

HE’S A FIRESTARTER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON NEVER SEEMS TO TAKE A YEAR OFF and his restless attitude to government is no more obvious than in his visionary policy proposals for big infrastructure.

His latest proposal will do nothing to diminish his reputation for grand designs, regardless of what is missing in the detail.

“He’ll light the fuse himself,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “or maybe put it out to tender. People can bid to do it. Then we can award the contract to blow up London Bridge to a party donor.”

Bid to do what exactly? Come again?

“Blow up London Bridge of course,” the source replied, “then we can rebuild it. Bigger. Better. And with less red tape. Right now you can hardly move across the bloody structure for all the overweening EU red tape about what parts of the bridge are pedestrian, which are for motorised traffic. How strong the foundations need to be. Whether it should be able to stand up in a tidal river or not. Ghastly. Costs us millions per week that could be better spent on peerages.”

But the current London Bridge was built before the U.K. joined the common market.

“See! Just proves how many and busy are the EU’s tentacles.”

So the plan to blow up and rebuild the bridge is to show the EU who is boss?

“Oh, they know that already. Some Russian chap. Just became a Lord. No. The plan to demolish the famous bridge comes from Mr Johnson’s hands on approach to fatherhood.“

Fascinating.

“Dom has been singing nursery rhymes to him to help him get to sleep. Also so Boris learns them himself. It’s for a photo shoot that will appear in the Telegraph on the new national holiday – Boris Day – this will be a celebration focused on fatherhood. Everyone is Boris’s child, or girlfriend, or ex-mistress, or wife, or bro now. The whole country. Perhaps the entire continent.”

And it seems ‘London Bridge is Falling Down’ is a firm favourite.

“It’s an inspirational old song, especially if you’ve friends in the construction industry. Oh, and the cost of the entire project will be self-financing, as we’ll be selling off the rubble as souvenirs. Testaments to Johnson’s premiership.”

He really has thought this through.

“He wants to get Britain building again,” the source confirmed, “which is why he’s so keen on demolishing it.”

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Boris Johnson gives peerage to Covid-19 for “helping to disguise the effects of Brexit”

LIFE LONG PEER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON STANDS ACCUSED TODAY OF DISHING OUT PEERAGES AND KNIGHTHOODS to friends and donors, with little thought to the democratic damage.

But amongst the furore over Kremlin linked donors becoming Lords, Brexit backing ex-Labour MPs elevating, attention seeking, contrarian rent a gobs going up too, and men who put bins out getting knighthoods, many have missed an obvious name on the list.

“Lord Covid-19 of Westminster,” a source at Downing Street confirmed, “it has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And to be honest, Lord Covid has done more to help us out as we barrel towards the cliff edge of a No Deal Brexit, like a runaway wheelbarrow full of burning chickens (who should be roosting quietly) than most on the list. It deserves to get the ermine.”

However there is some confusion over what aspect of Covid’s service to Johnson the vicious little strand of RNA is getting the award for.

“People are asking if it’s for services to disguising the impact of Brexit? It is. People are also asking is it because of how Lord Covid has allowed us to loot the Exchequer egregiously, like a failed state run by a mob? It’s that too. It’s both things. Oh, and it once put the bins out. Which was nice.”

And there is another obvious element to the elevation of Covid-19 to the Lords.

“It’s a life peerage,” the source added, “which with our management of the pandemic is exactly how long we expect Covid-19 to be with us. And to enjoy its tangible benefits.”

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Our mixed messaging has been entirely consistent, claims Matt Hancock

DOUBLING DOWN, AND UP: Let us be entirely clear. Matt Hancock claims that the messages from the government have been consistent, despite being changed on a daily basis.

Little Matt Hancock, who has had to learn the art of being completely two faced while the public watched his transformation, was keen to defend official guidance.

“Hands, Face, Space has always been the message,” said an exhausted Hancock. “It has never changed and never will. It means the same as Check, Change, Go, and if you think about it, it’s the same as Brexit Means Brexit.”

Hang on. The only consistent thing there is that each slogan has three words.

“Stay Alert was only two words,” replied Hancock pompously. “Stay Home, Stay Safe, Get Brexit Done, Eat More Chips. The underlying message is the same!”

In that case, could you explain the underlying message, because quite frankly the public are confused.

“There is no confusion!” exclaimed Hancock, now desperately looking for a way out. “Protect The NHS. Track And Trace. Stand And Deliver. We are all in this together, and the same rules apply to everyone!”

Which is fine, until you recall that “Classic” Dom Cummings broke lockdown and was defended to the hilt. The government sacrificed its authority to save Cummings’ skin.

“That was a special case!” stammered Little Matt. “Control The Virus. We Don’t Know. Give Us Your Fokkin Money!”

Nature abhors a vacuum. So into the confusion and ambiguity created by meaningless empty slogans designed to conceal a complete lack of policy, rushes the Great British Public. A public that has no faith in the government and uses its British Common Sense to justify not being sensible.

“If the public wish to get infected with covid-19, then I won’t interfere with the Will Of The People,” concluded Hancock, finally finding the loophole he was looking for. “Herd Immunity, We Don’t Care, It’s YOUR Fault!”

Blame The Public. Collect The Money. Wash Your Hands.

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CV-19 update : Northerners must stay home, but may visit Leeds Castle for eye tests

CLEAR AS MUD ON A WINDSHIELD : THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN FORCED to reintroduce Coronavirus restrictions in the north of England after people followed their advice.

“I don’t honestly know what’s got into you all,” Mr Johnson told the nation this lunchtime, “we said you must go back to work if you can, you must go to pubs if you can, you must get back out and enjoy all the things you’ve been missing, if you can, basically you must keep the high road and hospitality industries alive, if you can, but you had to STAY ALERT and CONTROL THE VIRUS while getting hammered with family and friends. Your selfish behaviour has COST LIVES.”

How the nation will deal with being told off isn’t clear, but it’s likely there will be a massive shrug.

“I don’t honestly know what to make of it,” our pandemic affairs analyst says, “it’s almost as if the messaging is designed to confuse, so the government of Dominic Cummings can continue to pursue herd immunity. This would have the advantage of potentially eradicating a potentially tricky section of the population when it comes to selling off the health services lock, stock and barrel to US corporate interests. But it can’t be that. The primary job of government is to protect the populace. There must be something in the superforecasts that I’m missing.”

But it isn’t all confusing news. There is some welcome clarity in the new restrictions.

“The good people of the north of England may not visit each other in their homes at present, and they must not leave their region,” Mr Johnson added extra clarity, “but under Dom’s Law they can still visit Leeds castle for an eye test.”

Dominic Raab will be holding a press conference later today, complete with a map of Siberia, to explain how to do this.

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Matt Hancock announces changes to lockdown rules on his MySpace page

MATT THE APP : HEALTH SECRETARY Matt Hancock is already recognised as having led a world beating response to the CV-19 pandemic, no more so than with his messaging.

“Matt first showed his flair for communicating directly to the hearts and minds of the British people when he invoked the WW2 D Day dead as part of his campaign to be leader of the Conservative Party,” a source inside the Health Department recalls, “the British people knew how well Matt took his sacred duty to defend the voters of this great country when he rapidly backtracked on that invocation in order to become Health Secretary.”

And Matt’s reputation is only augmented as time goes on.

“By announcing that the entirety of Manchester is going back into lockdown late last night on his MySpace page, Matt continues to communicate directly to the people he has been chosen to care for.”

The lockdown will go for an indeterminate amount of time, presumably until Manchester elects a friend of Dominic Cummings as Mayor.

“Matt encourages everyone to follow him on MySpace. That way you will also find out what hip new bands Matt is into. It’s really mintox.”

The MySpace comms will continue until Matt the App has been readied to take over the task of communicating changes to laws, with sanctions, relating to the Covid-19 mismanagement.

“Once Matt the App has been upcycled to form the bull’s head of the world beating test, track and isolate system the MySpace page will become a backup. You will be able to download the app via smoke signals. They will be broadcast by Matt personally as he frantically waves a blanket over the pyres he has helped light across England.”

The repurposed Matt app will be called Matt’sPlace and you’re all invited to come and stay, especially if you’re willing to donate to him and you have vested interests in the US private health industrial complex.

“Be sure to check Matt’s Myspace page hourly. Remember, ignorance is no defence against the law, unless you’re a Tory MP.”

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Donald Trump delays 2020 election until he can work out what the hell is going on

Dastardly Donald Trump has decided on a total and complete shutdown of democracy. This will continue until he has completely got to the bottom of how elective democracy operates in the USA.

“There’s Mail-in Voting and Absentee Voting, and NOBODY knows what they mean!!!!” he tweeted from the presidential thunderbox. “This election will be the mostest fraudulentest of all time, so I want it delayed until I can work out what the hell is going on!!!!!!”

Some experienced Trump watchers are convinced that this is a cunning attempt to throw them off the scent.

“When the Donald starts throwing his toys out of his pram, it’s a sign he feels threatened,” explained brain science person Ed Cases. “In this case I imagine that he thinks that he is likely to lose the election.”

Somebody must have pressed Trump’s buttons, because minutes later he was stabbing his screen again.

“People are telling me this isn’t democratic!” he raged. “Well that’s fine because I’m not a democrat, I’m a republican! Witch hunt losers! Sad!”

A comment which was both very clever and very stupid. Not what we normally expect from a man who puts the Moron into oxymoron.

Moments later came another cryptic communication from the self proclaimed very stable genius.

“LAW AND ORDER!”

“His attention span is getting shorter,” observed Cases. “This is typical behaviour for aging psychopaths, and… sorry, I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.”

Shouting empty nonsense into the void is obviously not a sign of an unstable impulsive person unsuited to high office and fingers on the nuclear button.

Fortunately for the world, Trump has recently taken a bigly difficult intelligence test, on which even the most intelligent four year olds would probably have dropped a couple of marks.

So we can all sleep that little bit easier, as we nod off to the soothing words intoned by the most powerful man in earth:

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

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Boris Johnson to hire spokesman so he can spend more time shagging

SHAGGER IN CHIEF : DOWNING STREET has announced a change to the way important news is communicated to the country today, with the announcement that an official spokesman will be hired for daily briefings.

“It’s because Dom is running out of ways to spend the country’s money for no quantifiable return,” a source told LCD Views, “we really need to find a way to fill in time before the next big Covid-19 wave. Then it will be back to business as usual, and the dishing out of multi-million pound contracts to our chums. How much is that rubber glove again? Asks the unrelated manufacturer. Let’s just see what’s in the Exchequer, shall we?”

The new spokesperson will admittedly be on a paltry salary, compared to that enjoyed by the “political” reporters employed by the BBC who usually fulfil the role.

“One hundred grand is a little on the tight side, admittedly, if you want to attract the best from the private sector” the source said, “but you get the prestige of standing behind the lectern and talking complete and total bollocks to the nation. What’s that worth? Cleary not much, if you consider Mr Johnson doesn’t want to do it. Still. He’s got a country to run.”

But critics have pointed out that giving speeches to the country is the only identifiable part of the PM’s job that the PM actually bothers to do, now and then. So what will Mr Johnson be doing instead?

“Oh, he’ll be shagging,” the source confirmed, “he’ll barely be visible from here on in. He’s got a to do list.”

The source also confirmed the rumour that Mr Johnson will be replaced at PMQs in the autumn by an empty wine crate. “He’ll be supplying it himself.”

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We are selling off the NHS because your mum’s fat, says Boris Johnson

POUNDING THE PAVEMENTS: Lose the lockdown pounds to save pounds for the NHS, says Number Ten. Or, in other words, you plump idle scroungers are forcing us to sell the NHS to pay for our liposuction.

Boris being Boris, the portly Prime Minister sold this message with a photograph of Dilyn the dog taking him for a walk. Whether the questionable canine really was Dilyn, or a hurried substitute in the manner of the recent “Wilfred” picture, is a moot point.

But the message doesn’t apply to Johnson or any of the Vote Leave mafia squatting on our democracy. These playground bullies pick on anybody and everybody who is not like them.

“By failing to vote to protect the NHS, you are essentially putting it on the table as a bargaining chip in a future trade deal,” goes the argument. “Yeah, but your mum’s fat,” comes the reply. “And my dad could beat up your dad!”

There’s absolutely no answer to that.

“My mum’s NOT fat!” wails the UK, brandishing a portrait of Britannia herself with a sinking feeling. “Your mum’s fa-at! Your mum’s fa-at!” jeer all the Boris Bullies, holding the UK down and punching it in the face while stealing its dinner money.

Let us be entirely clear, as any disrespectful politician wishing to muddy the waters would say. The prospective sale of the NHS is nothing to do with Brexit, or the desperate scramble to seal a deal, any deal, with Donald Trump’s USA. It is absolutely nothing to do with a desire to chop it up into lots of lovely lucrative little cash cows. Instead, it is totally the fault of anybody with a fat mother, or who is a bit chubby themselves, or simply knows of somebody who could probably shed a few pounds.

So there. Pay up, you podgy porkers. Let that be a lesson to everybody who has ever had chips instead of salad. Ner nerny ner ner!

Post Brexit food shortages will ensure that the population is as slimmed down as whatever is left of the NHS.

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Mark Francois to go on secret mission to Spain to beat Germans to sun loungers

BUNGLING BOUNCING BOMB : Mighty Global Britain’s mightiest little potatriot, and bafflingly a member of parliament, Mark Francois, has been selected by Downing Street to go on a secret mission to the Costa del Sol.

“It’s part of a many pronged strategy to show the EU we mean business,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’re not content to just gaslight the Spanish over Covid-19, as part of putting them off balance before we talk about Gibraltar, we need to get the Germans where it hurts tool. Throw them off balance. Strike terror into their hearts. We need to ensure Merkel caves at the last moment of negotiations and the German automotive sector drive to our rescue.”

To this end little Mark has been selected to go on a secret mission to Spain.

“He won’t have to quarantine when he gets back because we will have changed the rules again by then,” the source continues, “we have to keep everyone off balance. Our own citizens. The WHO. Helen Whately. And especially German tourists.”

What exactly little Mark will do to achieve all this isn’t clear.

“It is. We’ve planned it all. We’re geniuses. He’s going to use his famous ability for European accents to maintain complete surprise. At the same time he will stay up all night, while undercover, singing the national anthem quietly. He must be rigid in the morning and he must be ready to go.”

Go where?

“To the sun loungers of course. Each day he’s going to get to the pool at dawn and place a Union Jack beach towel on a different sun lounger. Just imagine the despair when the Germans see we’ve outplayed them at their own game. They’ll give us what we want in the trade negotiations just to make it stop.”

Junker in his bunker won’t know what hit him. Stay alert potatriots and get ready to seize the sun loungers. Your country is depending on it.