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UK requests EU control UK’s external borders as “after Brexit we will be too busy controlling our internal ones”

WHAT’S A BOARDER BETWEEN FRIENDS : The UK government has set France straight on its international obligations today, as handfuls of humans continue to INVADE the U.K.

“They have the experience,” a Home Office official shrugged, “Continental Europe controls thousands and thousands of displaced people each year. We don’t have the experience because we’re focused on the supply side of the issue. On the bombs. On servicing the financial services needs of the kleptocracies. Everyone has their part to play. We do ours. They need to do theirs.”

What France will think of the demand isn’t yet clear, with some suggesting Downing Street might have to dig a little deeper into why there’s now a famous Gallic shrug on the matter?

“It’s obvious. They’re jealous because we won the war,” the aide commented, “Agincourt. They’ve never gotten over it. They mention it constantly. Mind you, if I was embarrassed by half a dozen guys with sling shots on my home turf I’d have trouble letting it go too. Perhaps we should extend an olive branch? Tell them it’s time to stop obsessing over past conflicts and focus on the here and now? Terribly sentimental types. Overwhelmed with nostalgia. Not at all like our forward looking, internationalist regime.”

And of course the elephant in the room must be Brexit.

“More envy. We’ve taken back control as a sovereign state. They don’t like that. They simply have to patrol the English Channel for us now. We’re going to be too busy patrolling the land border with Kent to stop bored truckers dogging in England’s garden.”

Perhaps we could pay the French to do it for us? After the Dublin Agreement expires at the end of 2020?

“Not a bad plan. £350m per week will probably do it. It’ll be brokered by a mate of Dom’s.”

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Wasting £250m on useless PPE is good value for Britain, says Michael Gove

MONEY FOR NOTHING AND YOUR CHICKS FOR FREE: That’s the way you do it. Handout means handout, remarked Michael Gove gnomically, as the garden gnome of international politics defended Government spending.

“Let me be absolutely clear about this,” he continued, before spinning a web of nonsense so cunning you almost have to admire it. “We are supporting and encouraging small businesses on the world stage. Mistakes may be made, through inexperience or overconfidence, and we, the British public, would do well to forgive this!”

All we can see is snouts in the trough, your buddies helping themselves to our hard earned cash, suggested LCD Views’ Gravy Train correspondent.

“No, no, no, not at all,” replied Gove, surreptitiously removing flecks of white powder from beneath his left nostril. “This is an investment in the future of Global Britain! I was as surprised as anyone to discover that the directors of the companies to which you refer happen to know Dominic Cummings. It is a fact, though, that highly successful people tend to move in the same circles.”

Gove gazed at our correspondent through the lens of his webcam, with that look of bland innocence that only years of experience and an overindulgence of Botox can produce.

How can buying useless untested items from an unreliable supplier at premium prices using one of Cummings’ mates be regarded as ‘good value’?

“It will cement relationships with countries with whom we wish to strike exciting trade deals,” said Gove. “Especially Columbia. Their products are world beating!”

But you have actually bought coverings from China, not cocaine from Columbia!

“That was the plan,” admitted Gove. “But unfortunately Chris Grayling got involved with it. And now we are stuck with warehouses full of masks and gowns that we can’t even give away, and I’m going to have to spaff even more taxpayers’ money up my nose for my stockpile of, erm, pick me ups.”

Sniff, sniff. Not a dry nose in the house.

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Royal Navy ordered to paint a rubber dinghy on bows of destroyers for each refugee boat they sink

IT’S LIKE 1066 ALL OVER AGAIN : THANKS TO THE TIRELESS EFFORTS of N. Fuhrage all Global Britons are now aware of the invasion occurring on the coast at Kent.

“If he wasn’t down there with his smart phone filming them no one would know it was happening,” an aide at the Home Office told LCD Views, “can you imagine that? Not knowing that half a dozen exhausted war refugees had managed to complete a journey of months or years to get to Britain? How would you feel not knowing that British munitions weren’t falling on their heads in the English Channel? Devastated I wager. At least that’s how the mad and vicious bastards currently ruining the UK want you to feel.”

But to take care of this, and so everyone can feel alright, none other than Home Secretary Priti Patel has gotten involved.

“It’s in the hope that Fuhrage will stop Whatsapping her videos and just get back to sending her policy suggestions regarding immigration,” the aide explained.

So what’s she going to do about it? Something must be done. Scenes like this haven’t occurred since the Norman Invasion of 1066. And we all know how that worked out!

“She’s ordered the Royal Navy to get into the Channel and sort it out,” the aide beamed, “we won’t be being invaded by humans for much longer. And for every rubber dinghy they sink they can paint a picture on the bows of a destroyer. Keep morale up as they win the latest Battle of Britain.”

Stirring stuff. It’s good to know Priti is defending our borders.

“Except for Coronavirus.”

Except for that.

“It is one of the drawbacks of being Global Britain,” the aide added, “people can find us on maps and come here. I suspect, going forward, we will have to remake maps to remove the UK from them. We’ve thought of everything.”

*International analysts suggest the need to remove the UK from maps will take care of itself. A natural consequence of Brexit.

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EU Withdrawal Agreement torn up as it doesn’t say “Two World Wars and One World Cup” in title

UKIP MPS RULZ : MPS OF THE (FORMERLY) CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY have called for the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated with the EU last year, to be torn up. It is missing a vital ingredient.

“Where Global Britain,” a ham faced pork knuckle, somehow elected to the Mother of Parliaments, told LCD Views, “and wee one the war. Any international treatie negotiated from here on must contain a reference to past conflicts inn it’s title.”

The demand is not surprising, as shifting goal posts mid game is the MO of Brexiters.

“They have to acknowledge our status as sovereign equals,” another MP told LCD Views, while bashing his head into a jar of pickles. “The whole point of leaving the EU was to take back control and hand it from Brussels to Moscow, Washington, Beijing. Actually a very internationalist spread of capital cities. Global Britain – now everyone’s whipping boy. Some of us will get very rich.”

Whether or not the EU will agree to reopen a legally binding, international agreement, that Mr Johnson and his chums presented as a resounding success, this isn’t clear.

“They may give the UK a math lesson. Which is greater? 1 or 27?” a quiet voice at the back said.

“Once they see we hold all the cards they’ll cave to the demands of the German automotive sector and give us what we want,” someone else said, presumably David Davis, en route to be upcycled as a plank of chipboard.

But what is this missing ingredient?

“The agreement essentially just has to be retitled and any legally binding obligations on the UK government removed, because we are pretty useless at sticking to them.”

Retitled to what?

“Two World Wars and One World Cup, of course. We’re Global Britain. Get over it.”

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Downing Street to repeal every single U.K. law as “our MPs will just break them all anyway”

A STITCH IN TIME : A DOWNING STREET SOURCE HAS CONFIRMED today controversial plans to wipe clean the slate of British law.

“We want to cut all that red tape,” he said, referring to centuries of common law, and other annoying stuff.

“Ordinary Tory MPs, just going about their potatriotic business pleasing donors and working multiple jobs as consultants, are tripping over unnecessary rules and regulations.”

It’s holding the country back?

“Just so! Not least the bloody modern fad for tyrannically dictating how superior males must act towards subservient females. MPs are dropping like nine pins. It’s not on. Men are born to rule. We all know that.”

So what will you do about it? It sounds a right mess.

“We aim to rapidly transform into a kleptocracy, post Brexit, much like the one big brained genius Dominic witnessed in the former Soviet union. Not that it had any impact on him at all.”

But how the complete erasure of law and order will impact people in their daily lives isn’t completely clear. Our source has some ideas…

“We may keep eviction laws, clearly. You have to protect people’s hard earned investments. Although I would propose a lower limit on the protection. You have to have inherited the rental property portfolio, or you haven’t really earned it. Something like that.”

But won’t that just lead to a regrowth of just the kind of red tape you’re trying to do away with?

“We’ll have to be careful, that’s for certain. But I wouldn’t worry too much. Any new laws we create, after getting rid of all the old bad laws, any new laws will be created by ourselves. We’re sure to benefit. Which is the only reason any of us want to be in government.”

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Hackers abandon attempt to hack Jacob Rees-mogg’s email after discovery it’s a 19th century messenger boy

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE : RUSSIAN HACKERS are reported to have been left confused and flummoxed after a failed attempt to hack the gmail account of noted Victorian parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg.

It’s understood the effort was made in order to build on the success gained by hacking Liam Fox’s account.

“That wasn’t all it appeared to be,” our Intelligence and Security analyst says, “all anyone learned from that was that the UK government intends to sell the NHS to the US. Wow? Pinch me? Am I dreaming? Oh, and what curtains Mr Fox’s friend likes for games of hide and seek. Again, no surprise there.”

So they figured on going after a bigger fish? An ERG?

“Yes. And it appears they successfully (allegedly) broke into the PC he’s been supplied with by parliament,” our analyst confirms, “but found it completely empty. Virgin state. Unused. So it seems. The only actual content on the computer was the standard warning about accessing adult content on the premises of Westminster, known in the Commons as ‘Green’s Hobby’, oh, and a guide to using Google to look up Latin.”

It’s believed the hackers then broke into the PCs of his parliamentary staffers, and close family members, but also came up empty handed.

It was after this they made the key move that led to the dispiriting discovery.

“One of the hackers is currently working in London as a ball boy at tennis fundraisers. He was tasked with trailing the antiquated MP to get actual eyes on the laptop or tablet he must be using.”

Android or Apple?

“Oh, they didn’t blood type Rees-mogg. He’s presumed to be human, although that is unconfirmed. But what they did see was him using a series of runner boys to convey and receive messages. His email is 19th century. He’s understood to believe digital communication is witchcraft.”

What are they going to do about it?

“They’re going to employ some muggers.”

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Government tells drugs industry to create six week stockpile for end of transition period

THEY JUST HAVEN’T THOUGHT THIS THROUGH: It’s been widely reported that the UK pharmaceutical industry has been ordered by government to multi-task ahead of the end of the Brexit transition. We decided to investigate why, because the fake news won’t tell you.

“It’s because there’s a global pandemic on,” a source at Downing Street told LCD Views (during a completely fictional interview for this fabricated article), “not many people know this, but the world has caught a bad cold. We weren’t sure the UK pharmaceutical sector would have their eye on the rebirth of the UK as Global Britain, while desperately managing global supply lines in the middle of the plague.”

It’s a good thing you’ve got your eye on the ball.

“Of course, most of them just sighed and hung up. A few told us, look, we’re busy packing our bags ahead of the end of the Brexit transition, do you mind? Sort yourselves out. We consider the consultation to have been a success. No one has to worry about dying for Brexit. All sacrifices will be the fault of the EU.”

It’s good to know where we stand.

“And we’ve thought about the needs of ministers, once we rebirth as Global Britain. To this end we’ve stockpiled the entirety of this year’s Domaine de la Romanee-Conti Romanee-Conti Grand Cru 1972 for the cellars at Chequers. This will ensure the prime minister does not run out of arts and crafts supplies for the first six weeks of 2020. Long enough for the EU to realise who they’re dealing with and play ball.”

But what about Michael Gove?

“Oh, he’s in charge of it. He’s ordered the UK’s cocaine suppliers to stockpile six weeks of drugs too. He tried stockpiling personally, but it was a total fail. Although, by all reports, one hell of a night.”

Brexit – we’ve got our best people working on it. Well, they’re talking about it A LOT, at any rate.

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Man who knows what he voted for claims he didn’t know what he voted for

ALWAYS READ THE SMALL PRINT BEFORE YOU SIGN: Or before you vote. The embarrassment that is Iain Duncan Smith has finally realised that he voted for something whose devil was in the detail.

It’s taken eight months for Smith to get around to reading the Withdrawal Agreement. An Agreement he voted for with great enthusiasm at the time. And an Agreement so perfect that he voted against giving parliament extra time to examine it.

In fact the Agreement is full of little firecrackers that the broad brush Brexiters couldn’t be bothered to brush up on.

This self own will only serve to increase Smith’s already impressive unpopularity. Smith is admitting that he either did not read the Agreement, did not understand it, or did not consider its implications. Possibly all three.

In this instance, he perfectly fulfils the Brexiter stereotype. Big, impressive rhetoric connected to an absolute refusal to do the necessary work or refer to known facts.

Leavers knew what they voted for, we are told constantly. Until, like Smith, you do a cursory amount of investigation into the Brexit claims, and find the unicorn you were promised is actually a pig in a poke.

These two stances are contradictory. You either know, or you don’t. Smith is caught on the horns of a paradox, in which he simultaneously knew and didn’t know what he was voting for.

That’s Brexit, of course. A delusion married to a paradox and wrapped up in a contradiction. You can’t have your cake and eat it. In fact there is no cake at all, just a bitter pill and humble pie for afters.

You won, Iain Duncan Smith. So suck it up, get over it, and if you don’t like it you can leave. So long as you have your shiny new black French made Blue Passport and a visa to get you into Kent to get yourself onto a ferry or the Eurostar.

After all, you knew what you voted for, even if you didn’t.

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Downing Street ready to deny existence of Kent in event of No Deal Brexit

OPERATION BLIND PRAT : THERE HAS BEEN MUCH IN THE NEWS recently about preparations for Global Britain’s trading future, once the mighty lion of global trade is free of the failing EU.

“Most of the media attention has been focused on what happens to Kent,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is odd. It’s not exactly a preoccupation in Downing Street. We got Brexit done. Did no one tell Kent? Should we send a runner down?”

But focus on Kent the powers that be now have to as they fulfil the democratic decision of the British people to destroy Kent.

“First off we’re going to wall it off,” the source shrugged, “presumably they grow their own food down there? They’ll be alright. They can always turn to cannibalism. Once we’ve walled it off with those lorry passes we move onto the next stage. Operation Brock [misspelling – should be Operation Broke]. Jam the roads up so the peasants can’t march on London and revolt. It really will be very simple.”

And then what?

“Oh, once Kent is a lorry carpark full of screaming Brexiters who didn’t know what they were voting for, then we move onto the next stage. We deny its existence. We’ve never heard of it. Next subject please.”

But won’t people notice that Kent is missing? Won’t they be concerned by the disappearance of Kent?

“Nigel Farage was allowed to reign as the King of Thanet for years,” the source said, with another shrug, “If we gave even half a shit about Kent we would have put a stop to it. Besides, Dom has a mate who prints geography books. Denying the existence of Kent will be a real moneymaker [for Dom’s mate]. We’ve thought of everything [they have?].”

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Liam Fox’s gmail password revealed to be “password”

FOX IN THE BLACK BOX: Leaky Liam Fox has his email account hacked. Using world beating cybercrime techniques, the Russian boffins eventually cracked his account by employing the password “password”.

It’s a shock to realise that a man so out of touch with the ordinary people actually uses gmail like the rest of us. It’s traditionally seen as a less secure version of the standard Westminster communication conduit of messenger boys on bicycles, who bear messages engraved upon the finest vellum using goose quill pens.

The hackers discovered a treasure trove of information. Secret plans to destroy the economy. Underhand methods of transferring the NHS into private hands. Billets doux to Adam Werrity.

We all know what happened next. The documents came into the hands of Jeremy Corbyn. This meant that nobody believed that the documents were real, and also that Corbyn could be blamed for the leaks.

“Cyber security has been ramped up considerably since the Russian invasion,” remarked snubbed Intelligence and Security Committee chairman-elect, Chris Grayling. “Every account now has an uncrackable password!”

And what is this amazing new password?

“password1,” replied Grayling smugly. “They’ll never guess that one!”

In the interests of balance, LCD Views spoke to an actual expert from an actual internet safety company.

“It’s traditional to leak this kind of material,” explained the expert, Ethan Ette-Cable. “It’s the most passive aggressive way to reveal secrets without being seen to be doing it. Using an insecure webmail address is the modern equivalent of leaving the documents on a train.”

And how easy is it for the ordinary hacker to crack into gmail?

“Basically any smart eight year old with an internet connection could do it,” said Ette-Cable. “But using ‘password’ as your password is basically bloody stupid, and an open invitation to pop in and have a look.”

It’s like hunting for treasure!

“Yes, it’s very addictive, although usually all you find is communications about someone’s supermarket delivery time,” sneered Ette-Cable. “Occasionally though you find gems like the nuclear codes or Donald Trump’s personal phone number.”

Liam Fox is hoping to lead the WTO. The logical response is WTF?!