Posted on

Flags reclassified as food by 10 Downing Street

THE TASTE OF SOVEREIGNTY : THE PRIME MINISTER is said to be replete with ideas about hunger today and ready to “strike a blow” at the burgeoning food bank sector.

Concern over the growth of the industry, which just gives food to lazy people, has been growing within Downing Street for “some time”, with especial concern on how to convince people to travel hundreds of miles from home to pick GREAT BRITISH crops, if they’re getting subsistence meals “at the end of their street”.

The coming Jubilee celebrations have provided fresh impetus though and a way to “square the circle” of being one of the wealthiest nations on earth but with a baffling problem of in-work poverty and not enough people to even harvest the food we grow ourselves. Reclassifying flags as food brings it all together and removes any barriers to greatness that stand in the way of our fully independent, sovereign nation.

“Sovereignty is food for the soul and that’s all that really matters in terms of sustenance,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Simply by reclassifying Union Flags as food we can kill two birds with one stone.”

A range of recipes will be released over the coming week and Britons will be encouraged to forage in their streets and cul-de-sacs for flags to eat.

“No child need go hungry when bunting is just hanging on every fence and gate post of this proud nation,” the source explained. “Take your children with you and get all you need for a square meal. Why not settle down and read about Rishi Sunak featuring in the Sunday Times Rich List while you dine?”

Posted on

Royal Mint issues edible coins to prove to poor people you can eat a meal for 30p

AS MUCH GOLD AS YOU CAN EAT : Poor people across the United Kingdom are said to be in a celebratory mood today after the government ordered the Royal Mint to issue edible coinage.

Edible coins are of course no novelty as they occur naturally in a seasonal way each December, but to see their sudden appearance in spring is expected to cause raucous celebrations amongst the workshy and cut a swathe through the burgeoning lines at food banks.

“It looks like Tory spokesman Lee Anderson was bang on for the money,” a layabout welfare scrounger told LCD Views, “excuse me, I’ve got to get to my third zero hours contract job.”

And in a savage retort to the criticisms that it’s not only the cost of purchasing the ingredients, it’s the cooking fuel and equipment that cost too, the coins come pre-cooked with a shelf life significantly longer than any fresh fruit or veg (since Brexit got done).

It is hoped the edible coins will end the tiresome debate over the rising cost of living which is said to have already “bored the PM into a torpor”.

The coins themselves will cost only the face value they are minted with.

“This means that there are real savings to be had now with the weekly grocery bill,” a 10 Downing Street economic whiz told us. “By this time next week the 20p coin will be worth 10p which will make them even cheaper on the second hand market.”

But there is one fly in the ointment, as the first editions have been inadvertently minted in Euro’s and not pence.

“That’s a teething problem,” the spokesman clarified. “Due to mysterious supply chain issues the raw ingredients to make them are currently in short supply in the UK so we’ve contracted the minting to a Dutch-French-German-Slovenian firm.”

Later editions are expected to come in Sterling but until then you can be reassured that “while stuck in a rest of the world queue at a Spanish airport you can at least eat the coins in your pocket.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Downing Street calls in the army to teach poor people to cook

WASTE NOT WANT NOT : 10 Downing Street is said to have emerged from its bunker this morning to charge headfirst at the cost of living crisis and win back the hearts of the people.

“Clearly the PM is not leading the charge as it’s too early in the day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but some SPADS and a few random backbenchers are gung ho and have gone over the top. They’ll be into the enemy trenches by lunchtime and you won’t hear the deafening sound of empty plates in the homes of the poor by the evening, anymore!”

The news will encourage millions who are realising that it won’t be a choice between heating or eating soon, as they won’t be able to afford either.

“The main strategic thrust is to call in the army,” the source explains. “This has worked for every weird crisis afflicting the country since Brexit got done. But none of these crises are in anyway related to getting Brexit done. Let’s just be clear about that.”

Under the scheme specially recruited private sector goons will coordinate with the Home Office and the MOD to locate and isolate anyone poor who is spending more than 30p on a single serving of a meal.

“We can’t have poor people just wasting their hard earned money on food,” the source enthuses. “That’s for Tory MPs to do in the subsidised bars and restaurants of Westminster.”

“Just picture it now, some single mother of three who should be celebrating the demonisation of asylum seekers who have come to steal whatever she has left in her larder, who is instead bemoaning the fact she can’t feed her family on dust? Well! Just imagine the look on her face with a crack squad of army cooks appear at her front door and put a bag over her head. The look of surprise on her face when she finds herself standing in a mess tent on the nearest Common will be priceless, just like everyday supplies in the supermarket.”

The operation to re-educate wasteful, layabout poor people has been named Operation Anderson after the Tory MP who inspired the initiative.

Tory candidate forgets he’s on microphone and asks friend to pose as supporter

Hungry Britons can rest assured that with only the brightest and the best chosen to stand as Tory MPs their incomprehensible ignorance of budget living will soon be a thing of the past.

“Furthermore, this initiative shows the level of aspiration Boris Johnson’s government has for all of you now. Mud. If you can’t make a roast meal out of cheap, readily available soil then you’re letting Britain down and you’ll have the British Army to deal with!”

Posted on

BREAKING : Sue Gray “abducted by aliens”

ONE DAY AT A TIME : They say a key test of anyone’s psychological maturity is the ability to wait patiently for delayed gratification, and the UK’s most famous contemporary scribe, Sue Gray, seems determined to test the UK’s psychological maturity.

Although rumours suggest it is not a reluctance to enter the bestseller charts at No. 1 on the day of release of her magnum opus, but the sheer volume of source material that needs must be researched before she starts her first paragraph.

“That’s nonsense,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman scorched the rumours, “we’ve got her locked in a basement.”

The revelation that Sue Gray is being kept in a Downing Street basement has been met with skepticism however because it is widely reported in Westminster that the basement “is still kitted out like a torture garden for mass orgies, just like it was on the first day of the pandemic”. Which only points to the ability to forecast future needs by the Prime Minister.

Still, the need for the triple album special by the Sue Gray collective, working title “Partygates”, is only growing.

“It is true that the report will boost the UK’s gross domestic output by several percentage points,” the Downing Street spokesman said, returning to the podium, “but that’s no reason to release it. Poor people have plenty of mud to eat.”

While the waiting and speculation is certain to continue the most viable reason remaining for the delay in release of a statement of the blindingly obvious is that Sue Gray has been abducted by aliens. The only thing remaining now is for the right obscure Tory MP to be selected and shoved into the public glare to declare it.

Posted on

Downing Street “shocked” to discover Kent has gone missing – inquiry launched

REAL MEN DON’T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS : WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is reported to be in a state of “shock” today after the discovery that famous Brexity Kent has gone missing.

Reports that Sue Gray was last seen in the English province and the entire place has been “disappeared” by aliens as a result have been dismissed as “heresay”.

Kent has been most determinedly visible ever since Nigel Farage first discovered and then colonised large swathes of it in the early 1930’s, but no one expected it to vanish just like his relevance.

“Exactly where Kent has gone will be determined by the inquiry in the fullness of time,” a 10 Downing Street spokesdroid said. “There is nothing to worry about. Clearly suggestions it was discovered that Kent is entirely composed of hydrocarbons and it’s been thrown onto a fire to generate much needed energy are exaggerated.”

While Downing Street maybe slow to discover where Kent has gone there are reports in the EU27 press though that state it has either “eloped with Norwich and moved into a villa on the Costa del Sol” or “sought asylum in Dover”.

When pressed the spokesdroid did give a hint as to Downing Street’s thinking if Kent is discovered to have sought asylum in Dover.

“Next stop Rwanda. Kent is actually being very forward thinking in that respect. Because once we finish dehumanising and deporting undesirables who derive externally to the UK, we will turn our attention to the unwanted indigenous thought criminals.”

Anyone seeing Kent is encouraged to report them to the nearest police station, assuming the station wasn’t sold off for luxury housing during the wise age of austerity.

Posted on

Government minister denies Brexit is causing drug shortages

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: There is no evidence of a shortage of drugs, claimed Minister for White Lines, Michael Gove. If anything, Brexit has made the normal supply lines more effective. 

Gove certainly has a nose for these matters. His finger is on the erratic pulse. His bloodshot eye is on the ball as he sniffs out trouble. There is no need for panic, he says. 

Gove was a little late to this morning’s press briefing, finally putting in an appearance at half past two. 

“I’m SO SORRY for being LATE,” he grumbled sarcastically, like a sulky teenage girl, and putting the final word into air quotes. “I’ve, erm, been on a bender.” 

Since his notorious split from the Daily Mail’s star harridan, Sarah Vine, nobody doubted this at all. 

“No but seriously,” he pleaded, swaying conspicuously, and struggling to focus. “Seriously, my experience is that white lines… no… county lines… no… supply lines… yes! Still got it!… erm… yeah, word on the street is that drugs are reaching our shore faster than ever before. Brexit had made this possible! Who’s a good boy, then? Who’s a good boy?”

Pressed on why this should be so, Gove brightened up. 

“It’s levelling up!” he claimed. “Given trade a shot in the arm. You have to get the baking tray level, Fanny Cradock, or everything falls off. I mean, controlling our borders. Makes everything easier. No checks, no customs, no income tax, no VAT! Ship the drugs direct to where they are needed, and cut out the middleman! Och aye the noo, wee Jimmy, keep your stash in your wee sporran, and awa’ wi’ ye!”

So well the NHS gain from this tangible benefit of Brexit? 

“The NHS? Nobody mentioned the NHS! What’s the NHS got to do with it?” he spluttered. “Excuse me, I need to powder my nose.” 

Posted on

Boris Johnson to make extra Tory council seats out of empty wine crates

THAT SINKING FEELING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to celebrate the dramatic local election results this week with an arts and crafts session.

The world beating PM has long been famous for his use of recycled materials in craft projects, with a plentiful supply of his favourite material to be found just laying about the house. Who can forget his ramped up interview when he claimed to make buses out of empty wine crates. A moment in which he displayed to all how he can both laugh at everyone, and govern.

“He’s going to revisit the bus,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going to paint little freezing pensioners on it. But once he’s warmed up he’s going to move onto sorting out the complete shambles the UK’s local councils have gotten themselves into.”

The shambles in particular appears to be the loss of hundreds of seats and dozens of councils.

“Winning local elections is clearly a remoaner plot to undermine Brexit,” the source adds. “But Mr Johnson has hundreds of empty wine crates stashed away from when he held dozens of parties to celebrate throwing a protective ring around care homes and the NHS in the pandemic. He’ll now put those crates to good use.”

The choice of inanimate objects is fitting too.

“Who could currently stand for election as a Conservative and claim to have consciousness, or even a conscience? Have you seen the state of the country after twelve years of Tory rule? You’d have to be blind. For that reason he won’t be painting little eyes on the new councillors. Just big, open mouths to swallow whatever bullshit Boris says next and then attempt to regurgitate it on the doorstep.”

Posted on

BREAKING : PM to deny EU single market still exists to fight cost of living crisis

WANDERING DRUNK IN THE DARK IN A CRISIS WITH HIS ZIPPER OPEN SCREAMING FOR A SHAG : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to make a great stride into combating the cost of living crisis in the UK today, ahead of tomorrow’s local elections.

Concerns have been building within the cabinet for weeks that the British people may baulk at eating each other and it is time to reinforce the exceptional mindset that got us into this pickle to begin with.

“We can’t face reality now,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we do the party is over.”

A key part of the strategy in helping the public cope with the new realities will be to accelerate the managed decline in their quality of living to the point where a job churning mud while screaming insults about the French is seen as aspirational.

“The UK media is exceptionally helpful, I will say,” the source says. “They rarely if ever mention Brexit and its vicious impact on the UK economy. Sacrifice for the greater good. That’s what it’s all about. We are now in a period of glorious isolation again. This is how you lead the world. But there is a worry that another calamity may not come along fast enough to hide the impact of the Tories attempt to fashify the UK. The pandemic was a real saving grace just as we got Brexit done. Then the war in Ukraine rode in to cover up for the mismanaged pandemic and Brexit. We’re really praying for an asteroid strike somewhere northern now. I personally spend my sleepless nights watching the sky and praying for it. But as yet there’s no light in the sky growing forever brighter before revealing itself as a screaming fireball headed for Yorkshire. Which is a shame.”

While the government waits for cosmic intervention it can at least continue with the tried and tested technique of denying reality and trust in the media’s assistance.

“Mr Johnson will deny the EU single market and customs union still exists,” the source adds. “That’s one way to deal with the cost of living crisis right there. What good would membership of a massive trading bloc a few miles away possibly do for pensioners who are deciding which of their house plants to eat?”

Posted on

Downing Street launches inquiry into why there’s so many inquiries into Downing Street

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : The UK’s world beating war leading Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has announced he is launching an inquiry into why there are so many inquiries under his premiership.

It’s presumed the cause is a “remoaner plot” by “traitors who want to overturn the result of the potatriotic referendum”, but sources close to the Prime Minister state that he believes if he’s to continue to “flog the dead horse of that corrupted vote” for political gain it needs a ring of officialdumb.

The inquiry will be chaired by one of the many epitomes of honesty and integrity within the Conservative cabinet. Michael Gove is a likely chair, although there are many others desperately dragging their personal reputations into the gutter to enjoy the PM’s patronage, and so the field is broad.

Once the inquiry has established that it is “europhiles” behind the spate of sexual and financial scandals eviscerating Mr Johnson’s government it is believed the Home Secretary Priti Patel will be allowed to “purge” civil life of traitors. Anyone protesting her actions will be detained under the new anti-protest laws brought in last week under the cover of Tractorgate.

“Ms Patel is thought to be a key driver of the need for the inquiry into the inquiries,” the source told LCD Views. “She hopes to use anyone found guilty of undermining Brexit to form a kind of floating human chain in the English channel to keep out people who are trying to reach the UK in much the same way as her own parents once did.”

Expectations that Sue Gray will chair the inquiry have been dismissed as she’s “already undertaking her life’s work with Partygate and will be busy until the end of time”, by when it is hoped she will finally manage to catalogue all of Mr Johnson’s parties when everyone else was dying in the pandemic. Especially attention is being paid to what types of cheese and what vintages were present.

The inquiry has been given the nickname “The Mother of Parliaments” as that is thought to be most iconic and should “have the voters getting the bunting out the moment they hear it”.

Posted on

Tory MP at centre of porn scandal says “I always open links sent by the PM immediately”

SEEING IS BELIEVING : The Tory MP knee deep in the House of Commons porn scandal has attempted to bed down and take the punishment today, as if it’s something he needs.

Speaking to the press he also attempted to shaft the obvious jokers ready to use the standard Little Britain meme to ridicule his not so private viewings.

“I’ve decided to talk to you from my garden, with plainly farcical excuses and reference to my family so that the memes fall flat when they hit social media,” it was alleged Neil Parish MP told reporters. “Or maybe I saw the famous comedy episode as a ‘How To’ guide? Porn scandals for dummies, if you like.”

The MP went on to talk in greater length about being caught watching porn by his female colleagues.

While we did not have a reporter present, we were able to fabricate what he went on to say.

“Look, it was either an honest mistake that is being used by my political enemies to destroy me or I was sitting there red faced with bunched fists murmuring YES! YES! YES! The inquiry will establish which it is. But I have at least helped distract the public from not only Partygate but also the appallingly undemocratic laws passed by Mr Johnson’s government this week. I expect he’s very grateful to me. He has a large enough majority. He can afford to throw me to the wolves.”

Asked how he happened to open the pornographic link in ignorance he explained,

“I always open text messages sent by the PM immediately,” before pausing and asking, “Sorry, what was the last question again? I was momentarily distracted by a pair of legs.”