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Downing Street changes law to reclassify rubber dinghies as foreign military vessels

ACTS OF WAR : DOWNING STREET WILL STOP AT NOTHING THIS WEEK TO DISTRACT FROM ITS FAILURE TO…WELL, there’s a lot of failure too.

“Someone had to do something,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “historically we have a reputation of being, shall we say proactive? When it comes to other people’s countries? It seems some think that because of this we’d be happy to be invaded ourselves. INVADED I TELL YOU. BY POOR PEOPLE. They get in these boats and they risk their lives to reach our shores. It’s terrifying. What if they all make it? “

And of course the wealth of the individuals attempting to reach the UK is the main problem.

“If they were rich they could just fly in, from pretty much anywhere, and start donating money to Tory MPs. Give it a few years and they’d all be in the Lords. They just need to go about it in the proper manner. You don’t just turn up at someone’s house, whether you’re in desperate need of sanctuary and assistance or not.”

Still, given that Channel asylum seekers seem stubbornly determined to remain humans desperate for a better life, the government has decided to act and put a stop to that.

“Priti Patel is exceptionally happy,” the source said, “we’ve decided to change the law to reclassify rubber dinghies as foreign military vessels. All rubber dinghies. Get in one anywhere in the UK now and you’re committing an act of war. Someone in a uniform will be ordered to drop by and blow you out of the water. Thames or Channel. It doesn’t matter. It’s going to cause mayhem for beachgoers. Which is just the way we like it.”

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Bear baiting returns to England as Johnson seeks viral distraction

A VERY BRITISH MORAL DEGRADATION : THE BBC is to join forces with Downing Street in the attempt to bring bread and circuses to an increasingly restless population.

“The new initiative is timed to coincide with the winding down of the Covid-19 furlough scheme,” a Beeb executive, talking from his desk in the Cabinet Office, told LCD Views.

“A Very British Bear Baiting will be a fly on the wall show which celebrates the return of bear baiting to the capital after centuries. People will be able to identify with a cast of real characters as they battle to survive in the bear pit. Not everyone will make it. But viewers can be guaranteed of maximum spectacle. And perhaps, while they enjoy their popcorn* they will forget about:

  1. The mismanagement of Covid-19 and how it led to tens of thousands of unnecessary and avoidable early deaths, under a pseudo-science ‘herd immunity’ strategy said to have been favoured by Dominic Cummings.
  2. The Tory MP alleged rape scandal and the inaction of party authorities who knew about the accusations directly from the victim, and appear to have done nothing.
  3. What appears to be billions in fraud on the back of bogus PPE scandals.
  4. The failure to prepare for the end of the Brexit transition period, and the looming devastation that will occur as the Brexiters’ lies fully slam into the country at last.
  5. The fact the UK is now governed by a tyrannical, unelected bureaucrat.
  6. The fact FPTP is clearly no longer fit for purpose, but it suits the needs of a corrupt ruling elite to perpetuate it as they milk the land dry and stuff its wealth into tax havens.
  7. The Intelligence and Security Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy – and what that says about the potential compromising of elected representatives, and that a series of elections, and the Brexit referendum, were meddled in and unsafe.
  8. The various scandals that Boris Johnson is involved in, and how they always end up in the long grass.
  9. The attempt to bully teachers back into schools in full awareness it will kill some of them, just like NHS and social care workers were killed, unless the Covid-19 virus is actually, finally, properly managed by central government and not used as a haymaker by disaster capitalists.
  10. Whether or not Boris Johnson will take up golf while on holiday in Scotland.
  11. The cronyism in the House of Lords.
  12. The numbers 13-1000 in this list.

So be ready to back your bear as it fights to survive! And remember! It’s very dangerous! And if that doesn’t work to take your mind off the list of vicious incompetence, some complete and utter prat will use your licence fee to narrate the struggle to survive of human beings in the English Channel, so racists and feel all warm and snugly.

Global Britain – is it the best we can be?

*supplies of popcorn expected to be exhausted early in 2021.

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10 Downing Street front door replaced by ATM for Tory Party friends

ENTER YOUR SPIN CODE : 10 DOWNING STREET’S famous front door has received a do over this week and everyone is very pleased with the results.

“We’ve replaced it with an ATM machine,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “a mate of Dom’s reconditions them. It was basically a steal.”

But why the famous black door, all stern and statesmanlike, with its dominant 1 0, had to be replaced with an ATM is still a bit of a mystery to us plebs.

“It’s not mysterious at all, if you’re paying attention to the news cycle during Covid. You can draw your own conclusions then.”

We’re a bit slow, why don’t you just tell us?

“Okay. It’s part of our crusade to slash red tape,” the source advised, “currently it’s really convoluted to move taxpayer’s money STOLEN FROM WEALTHY BETTERS back into the pockets of inheritance millionaires. BUT. By installing the ATM as a door at number 10 we can simplify the process and save millions per week. We should be congratulated. This is why we’re in government.”

So the taxpayer will actually be saving money now? Money it can spend on important issues, like pay rises for nurses and social care staff?

“No. OMG. You’re having a laugh! Ha! Why the hell would we want to disincentivise nurses from working for private contractors who supply staff to the NHS at extortionate expense?”

Then who is saving the money?

“Millionaire Tory party donors will, as they no longer need to set up shell companies and pretend they can produce PPE. Work it out. It’s not that difficult.”

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Boris Johnson forecast to win 93.6% of vote in 2024 GE

OVERWHELMING MANDATES : PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is already in a celebratory mood ahead of the 2024 GE, with electoral superforecasters predicting a barnstorming victory.

“He’s employed some campaign specialists from our good friends in Belarus,” a Downing Street source said, “so the result is a foregone conclusion. Why wait? Let’s celebrate. You’ve all seen the amazing work they do over there at the ballot box. We aim to learn lessons, now that we’re a free, sovereign nation, no longer limited by the tyrannical EU.”

The lessons appear to be mostly centred on the counting of votes and the best way to add them up.

“Some say that a proper mandate for a government is in the low 60’s. It gives a veneer of respectability. But the British people are one thing, why shouldn’t they vote as an overwhelming bloc? The British People are united behind Brexit. The British People are united over the need to push refugees back into France, or the sea. The British People are a homogenous bloc. That’s democracy. One voice. One people. The people will decide to support Boris.”

But the Downing Street regime’s internal critics have raised an eyebrow over the need to bring the fix in.

“We’re already doing away with judicial review. The NCA seems more focused on the clandestine threat of people waving for help in the water,” one said, “and you don’t need a bloody electoral win in the 90’s! Just look at the last GE. 43.6% of the vote and total power. Let’s stick with FPTP.”

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Cummings to address nation on importance of using qualified optometrists for eye tests

SEEING IS DECEIVING : Actual British Prime Minister Dominic Cummings to is address the nation over an eye boggling craze that is seeing optometrists going out of business.

“Stop driving to castles, you plebs,” Mr Cummings is to begin his address, in what critics have noted is a more conciliatory tone than usual. “Use a registered and qualified optometrist instead.”

Some have reacted to the new, public health focused tone, by wondering if Mr Cummings has friends who have bought shares in optometrists?

“It doesn’t matter if I have,” Mr Cummings will continue, throwing his arms around his people, “or what I do. Haven’t you got it yet? I’m laughing at you. I’m trolling you. I rule you. You are there to be harvested, essentially. You are my flock. Mwahahahaha!”

The speech will be welcomed by the nation, and reported as such by the BBC.

“It will build on the important work Home Secretary Priti Patel has been doing on warning people over the dangers of inward migration,” one observer said, “and Boris Johnson’s lectures on moral responsibility. Such an example to the nation of what to do.”

But castle builders are thought to be upset.

“When Jenrick asked me to put in my plans for a new development of Norman style castles in Wales I was reassured that additional income would come from people driving out to test their eyes,” Bob’s Builders told us, “if you build it, they will come. That’s what I was told. I reckon he’s doing this to punish me because I didn’t bid for a PPE contract.”

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Global Britain to pour water into the English Channel creating a slope so migrant boats slide downhill to France

IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE: Send ’em Home Secretary Priti Patel has found the perfect solution to the supposed migrant crisis. By piling up water on the English side of the Channel, she will force invading vessels to slide back downhill to France.

Patel despatched her best lieutenants to make the arrangements. LCD Views has seen the minutes of the planning meeting, and has reconstructed events.

“I’m in charge, now show me where the water is on the map!” demanded Dominic Raab.

“It’s there, all the blue stuff,” replied Chris Grayling. “It’s everywhere!”

“Ahem, that’s where Mr Grayling has been crayoning on the map,” remarked the incredulous civil servant appointed to do the necessary paperwork.

Several hours later, a clean map had been pinned to the wall, the right way up. “Excellent!” remarked Raab. “Now the water will all flow down to the Channel at the bottom!” The civil servant facepalmed, not for the first time.

“So the water hasn’t flowed away because there are hollows in the land? And that’s what lakes are?” asked Grayling tentatively.

“Yes, and that’s why it’s called the Lake District,” confirmed the civil servant wearily.

“Will it matter if we drain them?”

“No, it’s in The North.”

“Look! There’s lots more water over there!” said Raab, pointing at Wales.

“Yes, we’ll take all the water from the Welsh lakes. The Welsh are so thick they will never cotton on. They didn’t notice when we drowned all those villages to make reservoirs, the bloody fools. Cofiwch Dryweryn?”

“You what?” asked Raab.

“Never mind, let’s get it done,” said the frustrated civil servant.

The project was given an unexpected boost when Liz Truss revealed that she has an advisor who can supply all the water you want from a factory in China.

The new slope in the Channel has another hidden benefit. The UK is set to be world beating at water skiing.

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Entire British establishment toppled by a few desperate blokes in a dinghy

HOUSE OF CARDS: The entire structure of British life has collapsed like a line of dominoes. The catalyst for this cataclysm is the arrival off the Kent coast of a small number of refugees in an inflatable boat.

The men, who were half starved and penniless, threw themselves upon the munificent mercy of the British establishment. Within hours the entire facade of respectability had collapsed, and the triumphant migrants were sitting pretty in a four star hotel in Bromsgrove.

How could this happen? How did a few blokes in a dinghy achieve what nobody else could? The reason is simple: the noisy self publicist and former shock jock Nigel Farage.

“IT’S AN INVASION!!!?;!?” yelled Farage from the safety of his Chelsea Tractor, as the men came ashore. The invasion, which in truth rather resembled a crap family day out by the sea in bad weather, wearily pulled their massive six seater inflatable up onto the grey shingle. “SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! WHERE ARE THE PRESS?????? WHERE ARE THE POLITICIANS?????? WE ARE BEING OVERRUN!!!!!!?!+!??”-!”

In the blink of an eye, the scene changed. Seemingly by magic, Farage and the very same migrants had arrived in a smart hotel in the West Midlands, and there was no room at the inn.

“I WANT A ROOM! I! WANT! A! ROOM!” screamed Farage at the bewildered hotel staff. “Sorry,” the manager explained, “but the last time we refused a room to migrants, they gave birth to the Messiah, and we ended up in deep shit for turning them away. It’s been company policy for 2,000 years to prioritise migrants of Middle Eastern origin, just in case we witness the Second Coming.”

“Right, my mates are going to hear about this!” threatened Farage, almost comically.

“Run the fucking article, if only to get that obnoxious gobshite off our backs,” sighed the senior news editor at the BBC, putting down the phone as Farage continued to rant and rave on the other end.

It was the same story at all the major newspapers. Three men in a boat was big news and a security threat, and not just a whimsical Victorian novel.

In Westminster, send ’em Home Secretary Priti Patel was so spooked by the news that she panicked. “Our national security is under threat!” she announced. “Run away! Run away! Panic stations! They are coming!”

Boris Johnson was already safe and out of harm’s way, but pulled the fridge door just a little tighter to be certain.

Unconfirmed rumours are coming in from people claiming to have seen Dominic Cummings taking his child to the toilet at Wetherby services. “Security at risk? What has that nincompoop Grayling done this time?” he muttered according to the witnesses. Cummings later denied this in a blog post dated April 1 2019.

The Royal Family immediately upped sticks and rushed to Balmoral. “One hopes to stay in Scotland until the fuss dies down,” said a source close to the Queen. “Then one can be European again. One is quite prepared for a diminished role in a republican EU, and it will be one in the eye for the fucking twats in Ingerlund.”

Nature abhors a moral vacuum. Surely three enterprising men in an inflatable dinghy couldn’t do any worse than the current bunch.

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Downing Street applies to IMF for emergency loan to fund latest PPE contract

BACK TO THE FUTURE : DOWNING STREET has confirmed today that Pretend Prime Minister Boris Johnson has written to the all too real International Monetary Fund requesting an emergency bail out.

The surprising move will of course please Brexiters, who are dead keen to get back to the 1970’s. A time when Britain was truly Great, and you could make racist jokes.

The sum requested is somewhat larger than ones asked for in earlier times, but this is largely due to the way inflation is impacting the cost of PPE.

“Rubber gloves are now worth more than gold,” an aide to UK Trade Tsar, Liz Truss, told LCD Views, “well, they are if you know the right people. It doesn’t matter if you have zero experience or understanding of PPE manufacture and supply. What matters is the confidence you project when you get on the phone. How difficult can it be anyway? If you’ve mastered casino trading, you can bloody well get some foreign chap to throw together a mask. Ha!”

And it’s not just the value per gram of rubber gloves that has blossomed, face masks are also rising in price by the hour.

“Forget the crypto-currency boom and bust, you want to get yourself into rubber,” the aide continued, “it’s a good thing money is all digital these days. I would need a basement conversion to store all the cash. Face shields are now worth more, by ounce, than palladium! Ha!”

It’s not clear at the time of going to print how the IMF will respond to Mr Johnson’s request, but some are urging caution.

“The main sticking point will probably be in the fact that it’s a loan,” our IMF specialist comments, “and not a steal. There maybe reduced confidence that the current UK government will have any intention of paying it back.”

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UK requests EU control UK’s external borders as “after Brexit we will be too busy controlling our internal ones”

WHAT’S A BOARDER BETWEEN FRIENDS : The UK government has set France straight on its international obligations today, as handfuls of humans continue to INVADE the U.K.

“They have the experience,” a Home Office official shrugged, “Continental Europe controls thousands and thousands of displaced people each year. We don’t have the experience because we’re focused on the supply side of the issue. On the bombs. On servicing the financial services needs of the kleptocracies. Everyone has their part to play. We do ours. They need to do theirs.”

What France will think of the demand isn’t yet clear, with some suggesting Downing Street might have to dig a little deeper into why there’s now a famous Gallic shrug on the matter?

“It’s obvious. They’re jealous because we won the war,” the aide commented, “Agincourt. They’ve never gotten over it. They mention it constantly. Mind you, if I was embarrassed by half a dozen guys with sling shots on my home turf I’d have trouble letting it go too. Perhaps we should extend an olive branch? Tell them it’s time to stop obsessing over past conflicts and focus on the here and now? Terribly sentimental types. Overwhelmed with nostalgia. Not at all like our forward looking, internationalist regime.”

And of course the elephant in the room must be Brexit.

“More envy. We’ve taken back control as a sovereign state. They don’t like that. They simply have to patrol the English Channel for us now. We’re going to be too busy patrolling the land border with Kent to stop bored truckers dogging in England’s garden.”

Perhaps we could pay the French to do it for us? After the Dublin Agreement expires at the end of 2020?

“Not a bad plan. £350m per week will probably do it. It’ll be brokered by a mate of Dom’s.”

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Wasting £250m on useless PPE is good value for Britain, says Michael Gove

MONEY FOR NOTHING AND YOUR CHICKS FOR FREE: That’s the way you do it. Handout means handout, remarked Michael Gove gnomically, as the garden gnome of international politics defended Government spending.

“Let me be absolutely clear about this,” he continued, before spinning a web of nonsense so cunning you almost have to admire it. “We are supporting and encouraging small businesses on the world stage. Mistakes may be made, through inexperience or overconfidence, and we, the British public, would do well to forgive this!”

All we can see is snouts in the trough, your buddies helping themselves to our hard earned cash, suggested LCD Views’ Gravy Train correspondent.

“No, no, no, not at all,” replied Gove, surreptitiously removing flecks of white powder from beneath his left nostril. “This is an investment in the future of Global Britain! I was as surprised as anyone to discover that the directors of the companies to which you refer happen to know Dominic Cummings. It is a fact, though, that highly successful people tend to move in the same circles.”

Gove gazed at our correspondent through the lens of his webcam, with that look of bland innocence that only years of experience and an overindulgence of Botox can produce.

How can buying useless untested items from an unreliable supplier at premium prices using one of Cummings’ mates be regarded as ‘good value’?

“It will cement relationships with countries with whom we wish to strike exciting trade deals,” said Gove. “Especially Columbia. Their products are world beating!”

But you have actually bought coverings from China, not cocaine from Columbia!

“That was the plan,” admitted Gove. “But unfortunately Chris Grayling got involved with it. And now we are stuck with warehouses full of masks and gowns that we can’t even give away, and I’m going to have to spaff even more taxpayers’ money up my nose for my stockpile of, erm, pick me ups.”

Sniff, sniff. Not a dry nose in the house.