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Liz Truss vows as PM to “Shove levelling up where the sun don’t shine!”

TYRANTS GONNA TYRANT : THE UK’S NEXT WORST PRIME MINISTER, Liz Truss, has taken aim squarely at the WOKE MOB that have infested the Tory Party under wet blanket, bleeding heart, soft touch Boris Johnson.

In a major speech last night to the “Amateur Abattoir and Taxidermy Society” she vowed to be “a wrecking ball through the last vestiges of upward mobility” left after twelve years of strong and stable Conservative governments.

“You see them out there riddling the wood of our great oak,” she told a crowd of roaring, blood stained geriatric men, “with their flat screen TV’s and their mobile phones laughing at all your hard work. Well it stops the moment I take the throne! I will smash the TV’s of the poor! I will put all their iphones into a bag and hurl the bag into the mighty Thames! To the workhouse for them! The workhouse!”

During the speech, described by one present as “so erotic I had a vision of Margaret Thatcher midway through dressed as a French maid and passed out due to lack of oxygen” the UK’s next PM said she would stop “at nothing to make sure the poor know their place!”. To underscore this she added “I wasn’t raised up not to fall like a hammer on the anvil of equality and sunder it to pieces.”

How Mr Sunak will counter the latest appeal to the worst inhumanity in the governing party is not yet clear, but it is believed he will use the tax system and claim that “he never believed anyone earning over £80K a year should pay a penny in tax” and he’ll set that right if they “just agree to love me.”

Ms Truss is not expected to worry too much about any late running from her challenger.

“Once she told the old chaps that decide who is PM that she’ll take levelling up and shove it where the sun don’t shine she had the leadership in the bag. All she has to do now is declare war on the Argies and it’s into 10 Downing Street with a donor’s budget to redecorate and the weeping of the poor music to the ears of the Tory Party. The concept of accident of birth was killed under Cameron and Osborne. Liz will dance on its grave.”

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Lawyers should not dabble in legal matters, they should stick to lawyering, says top lawyer

THE LAW IS AN ASS: The Attorney General has taken a pot shot at legal eagles who dare to uphold the law. Braying barristers and mulish solicitors should not be telling the world’s greatest government that it is acting illegally, she has decided. 

This is hardly controversial, because ministers are big and important people, and the law only applies to the little people. Besides, what’s the point in being in government if you can’t just do whatever you like? 

Suella Braverman was not available for comment in person. This is principally because she is incapable of completing a coherent sentence without blaming the rest of the world for all her problems. 

Instead, Connor Lottermen, spokes-goblin for the Attorney General’s office, was wheeled out to justify the unjustifiable. 

“You can’t break the law if you’re making the law,” said Lottermen smugly. “By definition, it’s impossible for a government to break the law. That’s why the AG is right to stop nosy woke lefty lawyers poking their noses in where they aren’t wanted.” 

So what are government lawyers supposed to do? 

“They should get on with lawyering, or whatever the hell it is they do, and not get involved with legal matters,” said Lottermen. “First it was jumped up footballers, now lawyers are getting above their station. Why can’t everyone just get on with their jobs, and stop interfering with the vital business of our elite politicians to carve up the country between themselves?” 

What is there to prevent a government from acting illegally? 

“I’ve already answered that, it’s impossible for a government to act illegally,” said Lottermen. “In fact, one of the first priorities for Lishi Trunak when he/she/it takes power and abolishes pronouns, is to introduce a Bill of Government Immunity to put a stop to objections once and for all.” 

The law is an ass, and we are led by donkeys. 

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PM Truss promises new “Border Cross” medals for BRAVE Brits queuing at borders

BORDERING ON MADNESS : The UK’s next Prime Minister, Liz Truss, has promised to revolutionise the post-Brexit queues at British borders. From day one of her reign she will sweep away the frustration, rage and roadside urine currently being experienced by Brits at the hands of spiteful Continental border officials.

“As Prime Minister I will instantly order the commissioning of millions of BC’s,” PM Truss told a rapturous audience of Tory Party faithful.

Cries of “What did she say?” and “Turn your hearing aid up!” filled the hall as she expanded on her plans.

“The Border Cross will become a treasured reward for millions of Brits suffering the spite of French border guards. “Henri and Pierre maybe able to keep you in a queue of vehicles stretching back for miles and going nowhere, but it doesn’t mean he gets to enjoy himself. Britons aren’t going anywhere and it’s time the French got used to it!”

The BC medal will be styled like the historic VC and will appeal to all the military fans set to vote Liz into Downing Street. Additionally they will include pork in a mighty blow at EU red tape. Each time a Brit sporting a BC staggers across the border at Calais they’ll be making a mockery of EU laws covering the import of food.

“Just imagine the look on a French immigration official’s dour face as he holds out his hand to demand your passport and you show him you are the very embodiment of BC. We Brits know how to queue and we’re ready to prove it to the world. This is the essence of Global Britain – we’re on the border and we’re here to stay.”

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Liz Truss to win the battle for the hearts and minds of the Tories by displaying neither

TO GAIN THE WHOLE WORLD BUT TO LOSE YOUR SOUL: It’s a small price to pay. Like gaining your sovereignty but losing your economy. 

The Conservative Party leadership race is rapidly approaching its nadir. The race to the bottom has yielded a straight choice between two unpalatable options. The nouveau riche upstart from the Colonies, or the swivel eyed inbred traitor. Fishy Rishi or Loony Liz?

It’s too early to pick a winner. Or a loser. And we are so far down the rabbit hole, so far through the looking glass, that it’s impossible to tell victory from defeat. We are going to need a bigger Lewis Carroll metaphor. 

Which brings us to Liz Truss, the mutant offspring of Humpty Dumpty and the Queen of Hearts. She wants to win the hearts and minds of the Conservative Party membership, who will determine her fate. She will set out to achieve this by being both heartless and mindless. 

“I’m bringing back the caring, compassionate face of Brexit Britain,” intoned Truss in her robotic voice. “I’m in favour of tolerance and inclusivity for all.” 

How is the cruel, expensive and illegal Rwanda policy caring and compassionate, asked a brave hack. 

“Off with his head!” screeched Truss. “When I use a word like ‘compassionate’, it means exactly what I want it to mean!” 

The summary execution of one of the despicable wokerati will have gladdened many a moneyed black void in the Home Counties. 

How did you journey from being a Lib Dem member and a Remainer to a hardline Brexiter? What are your true principles, asked another daring soul. 

“Principles are just a commodity to be bought and sold,” snapped Truss. “Follow the money! Like I did. In politics, the best lesson I ever learned was how to empty my pretty little head and slavishly obey the highest bidder.” 

It will be pork barrel politics from Prime Minister Pork Markets. 

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Ghost of Thatcher seeks exorcism to end possession by terrifying ghoulish presence

THEY DARE NOT SPEAK HER NAME : NEWS FROM THE UNDERWORLD TODAY after the ghost of Margaret Thatcher reached out from beyond the grave to seek assistance. The surprising call for help is reported to have occurred during a local Conservative Party seance.

“We were having our usual Sunday church service,” Mr T. Gammon, head of the Scrupoor Conservative Association told LCD Views. “You know, we sacrifice some puppies stolen from a slum. We don’t even want to sacrifice puppies but the bleeding hearts stop us taking children. It’s not like the good old days when Britain was respected. Before the last Labour government ruined our reputation. Anyway. It was business as usual early Sunday morning. We smeared ourselves in the puppy blood, asked the Dark Lord to lower our taxes to the point where state schools are so underfunded by default they adopt the user pays class structure, and low and beyond the ouija board nearly lost its mind.”

Mr. Gammon reveals that the pointer on the board flew about the letters just repeatedly spelling “HELP ME!”.

“Of course our first instinct was to say no. If you can’t help yourself it’s no point being a layabout, work shy, woke drain on society. Honest, hardworking Britons tax money is needed for PPE fraud. Anyways, Mrs. Gammon let her curiosity get the better of her and asked who needed help? Just in case it was a US private health conglomerate looking for another chunk of the NHS. That’s when we discovered it was our Margaret, hallowed be her name, even though she burns in Hell.”

The help required was stated as an exorcism.

“Apparently she can’t get a moment’s rest. That in itself is not surprising as she’s constantly spinning in her grave, but it’s become increasingly difficult to do even that because she’s been possessed by Liz Truss.”

The Scrupoor Conservative Association is planning a cake sale to raise the funds required to hire an exorcist. Union Flag bunting for the service will be provided by local residents.

“It’s a bit of a stretch but we have to try. Liz is cosplaying Thatcher so hard now there’s a risk poor Margaret will have to go from the seventh to the eighth ring of Hell just to get some peace and quiet. But even then I doubt she’d be safe from Truss’s Instagram account. We’d ask Heaven to help us, but they don’t take our calls.”

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Twelve years of shit Tory policies to magically vanish with new Tory PM

IT’S A MIRACLE : The UK is set to see off inflation and the cost of living crisis with a world beating speed now that it is expecting a new Tory PM.

The Institute for Idiots, a ramped up think tank funded by kleptocratic cash, has revealed the dramatic change in national fortunes after funding a few headlines aligned with the funders’ ideological aims.

“People will be so grateful to realise that it’s not the underlying economic idiocy and inherent cultural vandalism of Tory thinking that is the problem, but the past leaders. They were basically commies. Cameron. May. Johnson. Marxists. Too woke by half. But the next leader will be completely different and all the failure will vanish. Ambulances will appear as if by the grace of God. GPs grow out of street corners. Farmers spring from the hills and valleys like sprites and the fishing industry resurgent overnight. And let’s not talk about the EU, they’ll be eating out of our hands.”

The reason for this is obvious, it’s just because they intend to pretend that’s true. And that will be good enough to work the old Tory magic.

And that’s not all. The Tory membership choosing the UK’s third consecutive PM, without consideration of the views and wishes of everyone else, will also showcase the robust nature of British parliamentary democracy. The UK is back and taxes are just a memory of a time lost and sensibly shrouded.

“Remember the policies aren’t the problem. and Brexit is definitely something that can be transformed from the elephant in the room into a magic wand. It may seem now that the elephant has explosive diarreah and we’re all swimming in it, while saying the water is lovely, but that is not the issue. Johnson not knowing how many kids he has was the only flaw in neoliberal policies.”

But that’s soon to be solved by the party of government as it sheds its skin and re-emerges again without the need to consult the public.

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BREAKING : PM makes new cabinet from empty wine crates

HOW CAN YOU LEAVE AND STAY AT THE SAME TIME : BRITAIN’S most popular Prime Minister since the last one, Boris Johnson, has revealed a steely determination to “get on with the job” of ignoring the will of his own party and in all likelihood large swathes of the electorate.

In spite of resigning as Prime Minister yesterday the PM shows no signs of leaving office and many are beginning to suspect he has no plans to do so. He got through the day, and that was all that matters. A close listen to the hodgepodge of random lies and self-justification he regurgitated by way of his “resignation” speech suggests he’s not done yet. At least not in his own mind, that cavernous room of self-aggrandisement and nonsense.

“He’s a past master at the great con,” a close confidant told LCD Views, “just ask any of his numerous wives, mistresses and employers. You can’t trust a damn thing he says. This is why he’s so exciting to be around and people just can’t get enough of his hi-jinks.”

It does seem that saying one thing and doing another is almost the PM’s reason to get up in the morning.

“It makes him feel superior over lesser mortals, bound as they are by ridiculous social conventions like honesty and integrity.”

And to prove that he’s pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes again he has announced this morning that he’s “Got cabinet done”.

“He’s built a new cabinet out of empty wine crates overnight,” the source adds. “He’s used the mouldiest and flimsiest crates he could find amongst the wheelie bins behind Number 10. When he’s done showing it off he’ll set fire to it.”

Meanwhile you are encouraged to believe he will do as he said he would and start making the most of the tangible benefits of Brexit. Chief of which has been the demolition of our national politics. Get Bojo Done, the Tories would be advised to get a hurry on, and not just in Party’s interests…

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson orders schools to rename classes after famous French military defeats

PATRIOTIC PM REBOOTS : The UK’s beleaguered Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is all set for a comeback this week with a series of unique and exciting policy announcements.

Surprisingly, there is little detail accompanying the new raft of policies, but that won’t stop Mr Johnson and his servile Cabinet from announcing them.

“People will soon forget them anyway,” a Cabinet insider told LCD Views. “The main aim is to highlight how great tomorrow will be under Mr Johnson’s leadership, not to actually do anything. People have other matters to worry about day by day. Like food. Let’s give them something to hope for in the future. Always in the future. It’s just sensible governance. This leaves us free to beg donors for cash in exchange for nothing whatsoever. The Mother of Parliaments! Ha!”

And it seems that the Johnson team have learned from earlier mistakes and won’t be repeating them.

“We won’t be putting numbers on things. Like the doomed 40 new hospitals business. We should just have said new hospitals. Rookie error. Don’t want the Health Secretary having to run around declaring GP surgeries hospitals again. Someone might notice we never actually build anything. These policies will be more along cultural lines. As that’s what’s important to the public.”

The most eye-catching of them appears to be an order for all UK schools to rename classes after famous French military defeats.

“This will have Macron quaking in his boots. Imagine the look on his face when he’s just unbuttoned his top to expose his chest hair and hears that a year two class in Phuck-on-Woe in the shires has changed its name from Poplar to The Battle of Crécy? Sacre blower! Ha! We’re even considering renaming Downing Street to Waterloo Street, if the EU don’t buckle under in the NI Ireland negotiations.”

Supporters of the government have taken to social media to produce surprisingly similar posts in support of the initiative, stating it shows the outward looking focus of Brexit Britain.

“Mr Johnson is getting on with the job of government,” the insider adds, “rebuilding the faith the British people broke with him when they maligned him for partying as their relatives died in isolation. He’ll soon have them all eating out of his hand again, and forgive them. It’s his right to be their PM, not a privilege, and everyone needs to understand it.”

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Editor of ‘The Times’ narrowly avoids charge of “Embarrassing the Office of the Prime Minister”

LUCKY BREAK : Lord Philby Feelbottom is said to be feeling “mightily relieved” today after an unexpected brush with the law, which he escaped. Lord Feelbottom has been editing the august newspaper, The Times, since The Restoration period and has rarely been in danger of being taken to The Tower. That all changed yesterday.

It seems that while incapacitated by a breakfast of ‘Failed State – done over easy’ the Editor mistakenly allowed a factual story embarrassing the Prime Minister and his former mistress, now wife (location uncertain – subject to unsubstantiated social media rumours) to make it into his newspaper.

The story appears to concern Mr Johnson’s efforts while Foreign Secretary to give his mistress at the time, now wife, a plum civil service job she wasn’t qualified for with a salary of approximately £100K. £100K is of course chicken feed and no one should worry about that, just ask Ms Arcuri.

Quite how the current Mrs Johnson is dealing with being treated like Ms Arcuri is anyone’s guess, perhaps she could ask the woman who was Mr Johnson’s wife when they began their affair?

How The Times believed it could get away with publicly, factually reporting another of the endless Johnson scandals is anyone’s guess. Perhaps ask Lord Feelbottom.

The charge Lord Feelbottom escaped by withdrawing the Foreign Office story is said to be covered by a new law titled ‘Embarrassing the Office of the Prime Minister’, inspired by similar laws in other autocracies that pretend to be democracies. The so called ‘independent media’ in those autocracies behave in similar ways to how The Times has.

Clearly the person most at risk of being charged under this law is the Prime Minister himself! Who never misses an opportunity to embarrass himself. Not that it matters, he governs a party entirely devoid of backbone which is happy to watch us all sink ever deeper into the mire of scandal and corruption so long as they enjoy fleeting power and the chance of personal enrichment. The country be damned.

They say it is not possible to go back in time and change history, it is if you’re The Times!

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Boris Johnson to install a giant fridge in Ukraine “just in case Zelenskyy goes rogue”

A FRIDGE TOO FAR: The Big Dog is running scared. Afraid that his new best buddy Volodymyr Zelenskyy might stop welcoming impromptu visits, Big Dog has taken steps to install a kennel in Kyiv. 

Brave Big Dog, afraid that his planned visit to Yorkshire might culminate in filthy northern booing, scarpered to the sanctuary of Ukraine. Brave Sir Big Dog ran away, again, meaning that another tranche of Tory loyalists finally realised that Boris Johnson is a big fat liar. 

Naturally, scores of loyal Tory arselickers have lined up to support the PM. “Doncaster is a shithole, to be fair,” claimed Cole Minor, Red Wall MP for Hell, Hull and Halifax. “Kyiv is very nice this time of year, and the daily aerial displays of the Russian air force are not to be missed!” 

Minor was by far from being the only MP panicked into writing ill thought out bollocks in a naked attempt to preserve his skin. This makes it almost certain that when Johnson falls, as he must do in the end, that Minor and his ilk will fall too. 

The fridge over troubled war zones prompted also sent tabloid “journalists” into a frenzy of mental gymnastics. The Daily Telegraph was at the forefront of blaming Starmer, Blair, Corbyn, Atilla the Hun, Genghis Khan, and any other remainiac lefty they could think of for Johnson chickening out of facing his public in favour of a hastily arranged photo op. 

The fridge was paid for, equipped and delivered at the expense of one of the notorious party donors. You never get something for nothing, so the wily donor e will have extracted a promise from Johnson to further screw the economy, so the donor may profit by betting against Britain. 

Johnson’s minders must realise that he exploits everyone he comes into contact with, meaning that Zelenskyy will eventually “go rogue”, meaning that he has twigged what Johnson is really up to. Woof woof!