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Downing Street “shocked” to discover Kent has gone missing – inquiry launched

REAL MEN DON’T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS : WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is reported to be in a state of “shock” today after the discovery that famous Brexity Kent has gone missing.

Reports that Sue Gray was last seen in the English province and the entire place has been “disappeared” by aliens as a result have been dismissed as “heresay”.

Kent has been most determinedly visible ever since Nigel Farage first discovered and then colonised large swathes of it in the early 1930’s, but no one expected it to vanish just like his relevance.

“Exactly where Kent has gone will be determined by the inquiry in the fullness of time,” a 10 Downing Street spokesdroid said. “There is nothing to worry about. Clearly suggestions it was discovered that Kent is entirely composed of hydrocarbons and it’s been thrown onto a fire to generate much needed energy are exaggerated.”

While Downing Street maybe slow to discover where Kent has gone there are reports in the EU27 press though that state it has either “eloped with Norwich and moved into a villa on the Costa del Sol” or “sought asylum in Dover”.

When pressed the spokesdroid did give a hint as to Downing Street’s thinking if Kent is discovered to have sought asylum in Dover.

“Next stop Rwanda. Kent is actually being very forward thinking in that respect. Because once we finish dehumanising and deporting undesirables who derive externally to the UK, we will turn our attention to the unwanted indigenous thought criminals.”

Anyone seeing Kent is encouraged to report them to the nearest police station, assuming the station wasn’t sold off for luxury housing during the wise age of austerity.

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Government minister denies Brexit is causing drug shortages

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: There is no evidence of a shortage of drugs, claimed Minister for White Lines, Michael Gove. If anything, Brexit has made the normal supply lines more effective. 

Gove certainly has a nose for these matters. His finger is on the erratic pulse. His bloodshot eye is on the ball as he sniffs out trouble. There is no need for panic, he says. 

Gove was a little late to this morning’s press briefing, finally putting in an appearance at half past two. 

“I’m SO SORRY for being LATE,” he grumbled sarcastically, like a sulky teenage girl, and putting the final word into air quotes. “I’ve, erm, been on a bender.” 

Since his notorious split from the Daily Mail’s star harridan, Sarah Vine, nobody doubted this at all. 

“No but seriously,” he pleaded, swaying conspicuously, and struggling to focus. “Seriously, my experience is that white lines… no… county lines… no… supply lines… yes! Still got it!… erm… yeah, word on the street is that drugs are reaching our shore faster than ever before. Brexit had made this possible! Who’s a good boy, then? Who’s a good boy?”

Pressed on why this should be so, Gove brightened up. 

“It’s levelling up!” he claimed. “Given trade a shot in the arm. You have to get the baking tray level, Fanny Cradock, or everything falls off. I mean, controlling our borders. Makes everything easier. No checks, no customs, no income tax, no VAT! Ship the drugs direct to where they are needed, and cut out the middleman! Och aye the noo, wee Jimmy, keep your stash in your wee sporran, and awa’ wi’ ye!”

So well the NHS gain from this tangible benefit of Brexit? 

“The NHS? Nobody mentioned the NHS! What’s the NHS got to do with it?” he spluttered. “Excuse me, I need to powder my nose.” 

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Boris Johnson to make extra Tory council seats out of empty wine crates

THAT SINKING FEELING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to celebrate the dramatic local election results this week with an arts and crafts session.

The world beating PM has long been famous for his use of recycled materials in craft projects, with a plentiful supply of his favourite material to be found just laying about the house. Who can forget his ramped up interview when he claimed to make buses out of empty wine crates. A moment in which he displayed to all how he can both laugh at everyone, and govern.

“He’s going to revisit the bus,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going to paint little freezing pensioners on it. But once he’s warmed up he’s going to move onto sorting out the complete shambles the UK’s local councils have gotten themselves into.”

The shambles in particular appears to be the loss of hundreds of seats and dozens of councils.

“Winning local elections is clearly a remoaner plot to undermine Brexit,” the source adds. “But Mr Johnson has hundreds of empty wine crates stashed away from when he held dozens of parties to celebrate throwing a protective ring around care homes and the NHS in the pandemic. He’ll now put those crates to good use.”

The choice of inanimate objects is fitting too.

“Who could currently stand for election as a Conservative and claim to have consciousness, or even a conscience? Have you seen the state of the country after twelve years of Tory rule? You’d have to be blind. For that reason he won’t be painting little eyes on the new councillors. Just big, open mouths to swallow whatever bullshit Boris says next and then attempt to regurgitate it on the doorstep.”

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BREAKING : PM to deny EU single market still exists to fight cost of living crisis

WANDERING DRUNK IN THE DARK IN A CRISIS WITH HIS ZIPPER OPEN SCREAMING FOR A SHAG : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to make a great stride into combating the cost of living crisis in the UK today, ahead of tomorrow’s local elections.

Concerns have been building within the cabinet for weeks that the British people may baulk at eating each other and it is time to reinforce the exceptional mindset that got us into this pickle to begin with.

“We can’t face reality now,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we do the party is over.”

A key part of the strategy in helping the public cope with the new realities will be to accelerate the managed decline in their quality of living to the point where a job churning mud while screaming insults about the French is seen as aspirational.

“The UK media is exceptionally helpful, I will say,” the source says. “They rarely if ever mention Brexit and its vicious impact on the UK economy. Sacrifice for the greater good. That’s what it’s all about. We are now in a period of glorious isolation again. This is how you lead the world. But there is a worry that another calamity may not come along fast enough to hide the impact of the Tories attempt to fashify the UK. The pandemic was a real saving grace just as we got Brexit done. Then the war in Ukraine rode in to cover up for the mismanaged pandemic and Brexit. We’re really praying for an asteroid strike somewhere northern now. I personally spend my sleepless nights watching the sky and praying for it. But as yet there’s no light in the sky growing forever brighter before revealing itself as a screaming fireball headed for Yorkshire. Which is a shame.”

While the government waits for cosmic intervention it can at least continue with the tried and tested technique of denying reality and trust in the media’s assistance.

“Mr Johnson will deny the EU single market and customs union still exists,” the source adds. “That’s one way to deal with the cost of living crisis right there. What good would membership of a massive trading bloc a few miles away possibly do for pensioners who are deciding which of their house plants to eat?”

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Downing Street launches inquiry into why there’s so many inquiries into Downing Street

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : The UK’s world beating war leading Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has announced he is launching an inquiry into why there are so many inquiries under his premiership.

It’s presumed the cause is a “remoaner plot” by “traitors who want to overturn the result of the potatriotic referendum”, but sources close to the Prime Minister state that he believes if he’s to continue to “flog the dead horse of that corrupted vote” for political gain it needs a ring of officialdumb.

The inquiry will be chaired by one of the many epitomes of honesty and integrity within the Conservative cabinet. Michael Gove is a likely chair, although there are many others desperately dragging their personal reputations into the gutter to enjoy the PM’s patronage, and so the field is broad.

Once the inquiry has established that it is “europhiles” behind the spate of sexual and financial scandals eviscerating Mr Johnson’s government it is believed the Home Secretary Priti Patel will be allowed to “purge” civil life of traitors. Anyone protesting her actions will be detained under the new anti-protest laws brought in last week under the cover of Tractorgate.

“Ms Patel is thought to be a key driver of the need for the inquiry into the inquiries,” the source told LCD Views. “She hopes to use anyone found guilty of undermining Brexit to form a kind of floating human chain in the English channel to keep out people who are trying to reach the UK in much the same way as her own parents once did.”

Expectations that Sue Gray will chair the inquiry have been dismissed as she’s “already undertaking her life’s work with Partygate and will be busy until the end of time”, by when it is hoped she will finally manage to catalogue all of Mr Johnson’s parties when everyone else was dying in the pandemic. Especially attention is being paid to what types of cheese and what vintages were present.

The inquiry has been given the nickname “The Mother of Parliaments” as that is thought to be most iconic and should “have the voters getting the bunting out the moment they hear it”.

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Tory MP at centre of porn scandal says “I always open links sent by the PM immediately”

SEEING IS BELIEVING : The Tory MP knee deep in the House of Commons porn scandal has attempted to bed down and take the punishment today, as if it’s something he needs.

Speaking to the press he also attempted to shaft the obvious jokers ready to use the standard Little Britain meme to ridicule his not so private viewings.

“I’ve decided to talk to you from my garden, with plainly farcical excuses and reference to my family so that the memes fall flat when they hit social media,” it was alleged Neil Parish MP told reporters. “Or maybe I saw the famous comedy episode as a ‘How To’ guide? Porn scandals for dummies, if you like.”

The MP went on to talk in greater length about being caught watching porn by his female colleagues.

While we did not have a reporter present, we were able to fabricate what he went on to say.

“Look, it was either an honest mistake that is being used by my political enemies to destroy me or I was sitting there red faced with bunched fists murmuring YES! YES! YES! The inquiry will establish which it is. But I have at least helped distract the public from not only Partygate but also the appallingly undemocratic laws passed by Mr Johnson’s government this week. I expect he’s very grateful to me. He has a large enough majority. He can afford to throw me to the wolves.”

Asked how he happened to open the pornographic link in ignorance he explained,

“I always open text messages sent by the PM immediately,” before pausing and asking, “Sorry, what was the last question again? I was momentarily distracted by a pair of legs.”

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Fears UK government has collapsed after suitcases of Covid cash seized at border

TIN POT GONNA TIN POT : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure this morning to confirm the UK Government still exists after suitcases of Covid cash were seized at the country’s borders.

The giveaway of taxpayers money during the pandemic was of course rigorously overseen by inheritance millionaires and other people who achieved their high positions in public life through sheer hard work and inherent talent. No patriot would suggest otherwise.

Quite how billions in fraud could just be written off with a nonchalant shrug by the PM and Chancellor is not an act worth worrying anyone’s pretty little head over. YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR GAS AND FOOD BILLS ANYWAY. But the attempt to take some of the defrauded cash out of the country in suitcases will raise eyebrows among the usual suspects.

“It’s an example of how robust the controls are at our borders,” a source inside the government told LCD Views. “People should be celebrating. This is exceptionally old school. It should be applauded. Why wire the money overseas in dribs and drabs when you can just fill suitcases with cold hard cash and really get a buzz out of your looming early retirement?”

The timing of the seizures is fortuitous too as British exports have entered a period of mysterious decline.

“This also shows that British exports are booming,” the source continued. “Taking taxpayers money and throwing it overseas to God knows where is completely in keeping with Brexit and proves the country is making a success of it.”

It’s not yet clear what the Treasury will make of the captured cash, but hopes are high they will simply attempt to give it away again to anyone who is prepared to set up a limited company at short notice.

“Rishi won’t be troubled by the news,” the source shrugs. “You don’t write off five billion in fraud without a backward glance if you understand what money is. He exists on a higher fiscal plane and is getting on with the job of delivering on what’s important to the British people. Today he is choosing a new hairstyle.”

Similarly for the Prime Minister, who it is claimed is still in office, the story will not be a concern.

“It’ll give him something to laugh about,” the source adds. “And God knows he needs it.”

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BREAKING : UK Government passes law banning colour televisions by “end of 2024”

IT’S THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE : The UK Government is said to be feeling exceptionally pleased with itself today after it snuck through a new law banning colour televisions while everyone was distracted by waiting for the Sue Gray report.

The ban will be phased in over the next two years with the poorest households in the UK forced to exchange their colour televisions for black and white ones to really get a full feel for the “1970’s style inflation, recession and cost of living crisis” that Mr Johnson’s administration is overseeing.

The ban will move up the household wealth level steadily, although it will be capped at households with an average annual income of over £200,000. The cap is to help reinforce the work of Brexit in taking every day luxuries out of the grasp of middle to low income earners and making them once again the preserve of the rich.

“The Monochrome Law will ensure that just like champagne and tomatoes the little day to day signifiers of change and progress are abolished,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “It’s hard to overemphasise the pain individuals like Mr Johnson experienced growing up and seeing the undeserving classes experience the same inherent liberties as himself. Can you imagine being told you’re the special one all through your childhood only to find some common pleb wandering through the immigration gates at Brussels with freedom of movement just like yourself? It was very harmful. But we’re now putting everyone back in their places. The banning of colour tv is just the latest step backwards for Blighty!”

But internal Tory critics of the new law did force the government into one concession.

“There is a concern that the removal of colour from the lives of Red Wall voters could see some return to Labour. For this reason it will still be possible for people who chose the wrong accident of birth to rent a colour television overnight to watch national festivities such as the Festival of Brexit. These televisions will be available at affordable rates from approved dealers.”

The dealers will be expected to prove a pre-existing relationship with a Conservative MP to be granted licences to “temporarily rent” TV’s to “low food chain strivers” at competitive rates.

“Going backwards to go backwards,” the source adds, “that’s our reason to get up in the morning. Oh, and to lord it over the poor to make ourselves feel good. I’m personally looking forward to downstreaming the food riots on my colour LCD TV.”

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Boris Johnson calls for Winston Churchill to become a saint to distract from Partygate

MOTHER OF PARLIAMENTS : THE UK’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS CALLED FOR WINSTON CHURCHILL TO BECOME SAINT WINSTON OF NORTH RUISLIP.

The call to canonise the famous British war leader is seen as “long overdue” by many in the Tory Party’s base who think it will really “wind up the snowflakes” while also “appeasing internal critics.”

While it’s thought the Church of Rome may not be too interested in the idea there is a parallel plan to create a new Church of Brexit and have Pope Mogg do the necessary paperwork.

Quite what miracles will be sighted isn’t yet clear, although “mythologising the memory” of Churchill is sited as sustaining Mr Johnson’s political career in a miraculous way.

“This is a Johnson idea,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the details aren’t important. If he’s still interested in it tomorrow we’ll have some intern smash out a powerpoint display with whatever bullet points they can think of.”

But critics of the move claim that it is only being suggested to distract everyone from the ongoing Partygate scandal which threatens Mr Johnson’s stellar career in a way serial lying, gross hypocrisy, lack of substance, catastrophic management of the pandemic, endless scandals involving IT tutors, economic incontinence so severe the entire economy is at risk, destruction of the UK’s trade base, lying to the Queen, serial cowardice, reduction of the UK’s international stock to junk status, racist immigration policies and attempts to destroy civil liberties has so far left untroubled.

“If it gets him out of Partygate it will be a miracle indeed,” the insider added. “The police holding off reporting if he’s getting anymore fines ahead of the locals is a minor miracle as it is. But by the time he’s finished racking up the fines only intervention from heaven will suffice. By then it will be clear as people died in their 10’s of 1,000’s isolated from their loved ones he was just getting hammered and asking donors to pay for his wallpaper. Which is personal in a way creating food insecurity across the country and threatening its very future could never be.”

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PM tells Tory MPs he’s ”Going down to Hades and coming back with Thatcher” to revive party prospects

THE MIDAS TOUCH : BRITAIN’S most successful bullshitter and also its Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has spoken to the Conservative Party’s MPs this weekend to fill them with “vim and vigour” ahead of the local elections next month.

It’s widely expected that the governing party may pay a price for twelve years of ruining the country in the service of greed and flawed ideology, but not if Boris can do something about it.

The decision to journey to the Underworld was thought to have been inspired by Mr Johnson’s vague recollections of the Classics he studied at university, even if most of his energy at the time was dedicated to shaming oiks who got into Oxford on scholarships.

“It will be like Eurydice and Orpheus,” he told the captured audience. “Or rather Rydice and Boris as the EU has nothing to do with it!”

It’s not yet known how he convinced the Gods to allow him to enter Hades on his quest or which Tory donor paid the Ferryman to allow him to make the passage. Focus has turned to domestic donors after the Ferryman announced he was no longer taking payment in roubles.

But unlike the famed and tragic Greek hero of myth Mr Johnson is not anticipating any perverse conditions placed on his quest to lead Mrs Thatcher away from death and back to life.

“The Gods of the Underworld can’t wait to get rid of her,” an insider told LCD Views. “She keeps attempting to sell off the infrastructure to private interests and banging on about how her father had a shop.”

If Mr Johnson is successful he plans to undertake a national tour with the reanimated Goddess of the Tory Party to revive its electoral prospects.

“We can’t keep on promising a lovely day tomorrow when it’s clear all we do is ruin the place,” one Tory MP commented. “But bringing back Thatcher? That will perfectly complete the rehash of the 70’s were currently overseeing. She’s the right figurehead to oversee the response to the coming food riots.”