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BREAKING : David Cameron planning political comeback to fix “Broken Britain”

COMETH THE HOUR : The United Kingdom’s greatest living, former Prime Minister, David Cameron, is reportedly “sick to the back teeth” with the mess his successors are making of the robust, fiscally stable and socially coherent country he voluntarily left in their keeping.

“Dave is furious,” an insider in the Shepherd’s Hut Shed told LCD Views.

“You recall when he left office to buy a garden shed that cost the average, annual salary? You remember back then? 2016. Late 2016 when he was photographed on the steps of the shed as part of a rebrand? When he was moving on in life as a lobbyist for Greensill or something. Some green outfit anyway. All above board. Perfectly natural next move for a man without a blemish to his name. The country was united and buzzing with potential.”

It was certainly a golden era. Brexit was there as Mr Cameron’s legacy. To be made into anything the right and left ends of the horseshoe wanted.

“Now look at it! It’s like someone took Miliband, Corbyn, Starmer, the other Miliband and Mao and put them in a blender and poured the genetic smoothie out into a human mould, baked it at 180 until the top was crunchy and made the resulting mess PM! The policy platform is insane. Somebody has to restore the Conservative Party’s reputation for sound, fiscal management. You know, like with austerity, so the working poor paid for the mistakes of the bankers.”

It seems Dave “boy wonder” Cameron believes he is the man to do it.

“The problem with Trussonomics is that it rips the mask off. It unveils the face of death. You’re not supposed to state the Conservative Party is solely now the preserve of kleptofascists. The right wing press has spent years conditioning people whose opinions are valued by business, and for what? Just for an honest statement of our real economics to ruin it all?”

The source is clearly disgusted.

“You’re supposed to achieve the aim by incremental policy changes sold to the public by useful idiots and paid stooges in the media. Not just say we’re eating your fucking kidneys for breakfast and we’ll be back for your lungs for lunch. It’s madness! Accusing people on welfare benefits of being curtain twitchers and scroungers. That’s how you do it. Dave will sort it out.”

Vote for Dave.

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BREAKING : Truss vows to replace Downing Street cat with a bird

ALL CHANGE NO CHANGE AT ALL : THE UK’S IMMINENT PRIME MINISTER Liz Truss has made making vows of change a trademark as she wrestles with Sunak to lead the wilfull blind deeper into the valley of darkness, and today is no exception.

While many expect David Cameron’s old moggy to lounge on at the taxpayer’s expense, rumours suggest Ms Truss is planning to level up the Prime Ministerial pet with a more fitting animal to symbolise her reign.

“The people need to see a new and reinvigorated government,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “the PM has total confidence that the next PM is going to deliver that. This will ensure the rightful PM his chance of making a come back with the new and illegitimate PM is ousted before Christmas.”

Most would expect that PM Truss will choose a lion or a unicorn to replace the pensioned off Larry, but sources close to the heart of the incoming government say Ms Truss has a much more fitting, and personal touch in mind.

“It’s going to be a vulture. Maybe an entire flock,” the source claims. “Why should the real governors of sovereign Britain continue to hide in the shadows and dine in the darkness? Why shouldn’t they step out into the light and take their rightful place as Global Brexit Britain’s champions and mascots? Anyone for a free port?”

Indeed. It’s hard to think of a counter argument and it would signal a new, honest approach to ruling the UK as the new dawn breaks.

“But Ms Truss isn’t without concern for her soon to be defeated contestant Mr Sunak,” the source adds. “She’s going to name the 10 Downing Street vulture Rishi to best symbolise his, and the Tories, style of economic management.”

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Liz Truss expected to say “Blitz Spirit” will enable voters to cope with high energy bills

BURNING BRIGHT : THE UK’S SECOND LAST PM BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LIZ TRUSS, is expected to address the impoverishing scale of energy cost in the United Kingdom sooner or later.

“Right now our focus is on which outfits Margaret Thatcher would have worn to sing ‘Hitler Only Had One Ball’ on Tock Tick,” an insider inside the Truss power team told LCD Views. “But right after that and her Instagram drops she’ll read the synopsis of some magical thinking on heating.”

The need to pretend to give a shit over fuel poverty, faced by millions of UK homes this winter, is only growing.

“We accept it is vital the next PM distract voters from the blistering scale of unexpected profits being made by the energy companies,” the insider admitted. “It won’t be much of a honeymoon for PM Truss if people are using burning pitchforks to chase her out of 10 Downing Street and not to heat their homes.”

How to deal with the crisis is one that the outgoing Prime Minister Mr Johnson has shown little interest in.

“That’s only reasonable,” our source confirms. “Are you going to be worrying about whether or not some dreary, work shy peasants are going to die of cold this winter when you’re having it large in the Adriatic to show your traitorous MPs what you think of them and the mess you’re leaving behind?”

But there is one lifeline Ms Truss is likely to grab hold of.

“Brits have faced winter blackouts and frozen to death in the past,” the Truss insider shrugs. “Blitz Spirit got them through before. We’ll just play a little game of it. Energy execs will hoover in cash in a struggle with food retailers for your last penny and while they’re at it PM Truss can implore you to show a little bit of the grit that allowed us to defeat Germany singlehandedly in all the wars ever fought by England.”

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Tory MP says sewage covered beaches “deters illegal asylum seekers”

THE SMELL OF SOVEREIGNTY : The Tory MP for Phistit-Phistitgut Reginald Scat has broken ranks with colleagues to laud the redecoration of England’s once pristine beaches.

While many Cons are expressing disgust at private water companies for doing exactly what they allowed them to do, Scat MP is having none of it.

“It shows how we can boost profits for Blighty’s wealth creators now we’re freed from the shackles of the nanny state EU,” Scat said. ”If we still had ready access to the chemicals we need to clean our waste waters we would not now be blasting our visible sovereignty out of giant pipes along the Sussex coastline. There is no more direct symbol of the throwing off of Brussels than British poo on British beaches.”

Scat, one of the 2019 intake chosen personally by Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings goes on to suggest ”effluent is biodegradable anyway. All these woke eco warriors are perfectly happy to charge you five pounds for a plastic carrier bag but are up in arms over nature’s best, natural fertiliser washing up inshore? There’s a stink of hypocrisy in the movement.”

But sovereignty doesn’t stop with a liberal regulatory approach to waste water.

“Just take a moment to imagine the look on the faces of French fishermen seeking to rob our territorial waters of British fish! They’ll be thinking twice now. And the illegal people who try to reach our shores will be turning back at the first retch of sovereign water.”

Scat is certain to have sympathisers within his party for his views as most are holidaying this year in the Adriatic.

“The only British turd in view there is Boris Johnson. Which is nice. No one need feel homesick with him bobbing about near to shore.”

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Liz Truss vows to “Blame Brussels” for results of 12 years of Tory policies

LIZ FOR LIZ : The UK and EU can look forward to business as usual once the decrepit cult that runs Blighty chooses its third PM without a GE in six years.

The ability of the Conservative and Unionist Party to just decide who runs the country is one of the wonders of the Westminster system, regardless of how much damage each successive useful idiot chosen by the old bores does. The public would only mess it up if they got involved, just look what they’ve done since 2010! The Queen just nodding along is the icing on the cake.

“Liz is looking forward to photos with Liz!” a Liz Truss insider told LCD Views. ”Maybe they can even be Instagram friends? They could govern via social media together and get rid of Parliament. It’s just a wasteful rubber-stamp generating red tape anyway. Imagine likes and shares of double Liz?! OMFG. Blighty is back! Take that Argentina and whoever else Thatcher didn’t like! You know Liz is Thatcher? You know that right? Does Liz know? Not Liz. The other Liz. They can’t wait to be together.”

And be together they look certain to be, even if it’s only the occasional photo to show just how things deteriorated for the Queen at the end of her long reign. Truss won’t have to wait so long though, it’ll be going wrong from day one.

“It’ll be Brussels fault,” the insider adds. ”Just look at the state of the place today! And it’ll be Brussels’ fault tomorrow. It’s the modern Conservative way.”

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BREAKING : Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander backs Truss for PM!

THEY SEEK HIM HERE THEY SEEK HIM THERE : FANTASTIC NEWS today for Tory PM candidate Liz Truss with the news that fictional character ‘Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander’ has switched his backing from Rishi ‘The Flashy’ Sunak to Liz ‘How did I get up on this fence post?’ Truss.

The allegiance of Dan has been much speculated over with his creator, famous kids book author Priti Patel, remaining tight lipped about who he was supporting. But ever since escaping from the pages of Patel’s imagination and into real life Dan has been known to make his own decisions.

“IF Truss can hold onto Dan’s loyalty then she is a shoe in for Downing Street,” a Tory insider told LCD Views. “Having the backing of one of the most visible symbols of an outward facing Brexit UK is a prize trophy for a cabinet that is now overflowing with prizes for fictional creations. It’s not just enough to be claim to be able to reverse inflation by magic and get Brexit re-done by magic, you also need to have the creations of magical thinking in your corner.”

How Mr Sunak will respond to losing the support of Dan is anyone’s guess, but it is believed he is planning to join that useful idiot from the BBC in standing on the beach counting refugees. Feeding gammon what they fear most is definitely away to make up ground with Tory faithful.

“If Rishi gets on a boat and starts pushing refugee dinghies back with a paddle into French waters it may give Dan a moment of pause, but first you’d have to find him. And of course he’s so clandestine there’s always the chance of accidentally pushing Dan back into French waters and that would be terminal for Sunak’s chances. I suggest Sunak gives any moustache he sees on the water a tug to make sure it’s not Dan in disguise.”

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Shareholders to demand that the energy price cap is not so much raised as doffed

I KNOW MY PLACE: Energy company shareholders are demanding a bit more respect for their investment. No more simple raising of the price caps, that almost implies some kind of Woke equality. No, in future the cap must be doffed.

Forget the culture war, we are well into reasserting the traditional English class strictures. Or structures. The idle rich, with vast amounts of money and favours to bestow, must be regarded as demi-gods. Access to their benevolence may only come through worship. Only when a supplicant has grovelled, bowed and scraped, and relinquished all rights to property and humanity, will the demi-god consider the fact of their existence, and the possible usefulness of said supplicant to muck out his vast, centrally heated stables.

And so it is with energy bills. We, as lower orders, must happily pay whatever charges are demanded. Furthermore, we must write thank you notes to the benevolent capitalists whose munificence ensures continuity of supply. And if the charges are too high, well then, that is not the fault of the capitalists. Why don’t you dig your own oil well? Install your own wind turbine? You failed to take personal responsibility, and now you must face the consequences. Work harder! There are plenty of underpaid jobs out there. Sell your internal organs, or your children. They are, after all, merely assets to be bought and sold.

Doff your cap to your superiors. No cap? We will sell you one (price: one kidney). Oh, and make sure you wash. No water? Can’t afford it? Why didn’t you dig your own well? Use the river, it’s already full of your own filth.

OFGEM must be reminded who they work for. Pick the right side, for once. You work for the shareholders, who are the only tenuous protection for your very existence. Raise your cap. Raise it again. No, make sure you doff your cap. Be grateful to be allowed to maintain the illusions of democracy and consumer protection.

And don’t forget to curtsey as you freeze to death.

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We must all take personal responsibility for the cost of living, says MP who gets his paid on expenses

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER: A Tory MP has advised his constituents that we must all tighten our belts because of the rocketing price of living. Which simultaneously has nothing to do with inflation.

“Everyone must do their bit,” said Bill Quarterly, MP for Grifter-on-the-Take. “We must all work a few more hours. We must all make sacrifices. Just think of the poor billionaires, desperately eking out an existence before their next dividend rolls in!”

And of course it’s the price rises which pay for those precious dividends. But there are other more pressing matters at hand.

“I personally am almost destitute,” claimed Quarterly, quaffing on vintage champagne. “I’m down to my last 20 rental properties, and unpaid rents are rising alarmingly. Eviction notices don’t come cheap!”

At least he will be lucky enough to be able to pay his bills when they land, heavily, on one of his front door mats.

“Fortunately I can claim it on expenses,” said Quarterly complacently. “Isn’t that what everyone does? I mean, the prices are off the blooming scale!”

What’s the solution to all our problems?

“Everyone needs to work harder so they pay more tax so I can claim my expenses,” he said. “And take a pay cut to stop inflation. Then tax cuts for the most deserving, as accurately measured by their net wealth.”

Ultimately if nothing is done, there will be wide scale poverty and homelessness. The rich will have squeezed the rest of the population dry. What then?

“Simple, we do nothing. There is no such thing as society, unless it can be monetised and sold,” he claimed. “Our great plan is nearing fruition, to privatise society itself! We will return to the good old days of Norman the Conqueror!”

Charter cities. Charter villages. Charter people. Most of us will have no assets left, will not be able to sell our labour, and will be forced to throw ourselves on the mercy of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

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Government planning for winter blackouts so no one sees Truss premiership

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND IT…: Many people seem to be of the dazzling belief that the UK is solely governed by inadequates who are opposed by people who seem to believe, since 2010, that agreeing with the most batshit idea the Tories have is the way to oppose. Austerity. Brexit. Constructive during world beating death toll pandemic. Silent on industrial action. Well. The list of mistakes is long on both sides. But to believe this means the political class are not up to the job, as a collective, is to make a serious mistake. A mistake which fails to see the genius at the heart of the Conservative operation.

Even now as the UK gears up for a long and unhappy winter of fuel bills worthy of mortgages and withering trade with a tyrannical, rules based Europe, the Tories are planning to blind you to the new reality the aged, Thatcher porn watching membership is planning to force upon us. A Liz Truss premiership.

What will the UK voters think, all of them, not just the small cabal who elect our PM’s, if they can Liz Truss in action with real power? Or even Rishi “Born to Rule” Sunak? Once the U-turns and about faces and failures begin in earnest, the day they take office, it’s going to be difficult to hold onto office! Old Bojo has pretty much holed the Titanic below the waterline already, and he did it without an iceberg, or the Atlantic (well, maybe some help from across the Atlantic; all those dodgy “think tanks”).

But you won’t see the grisly reality unfold if you can’t see in the dark. And you won’t be able to see in the dark in a blackout because the candles will be in short supply most likely, due to nothing functioning anymore after 12 years of Tory adherence to failed ideology.

“This is why we’re foreshadowing winter blackouts now,” a 1922 Committee insider told LCD Views. “If the UK is in the dark then who will see the Liz Truss premiership?”

Genius.

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BREAKING : Liz Truss vows to call in army to “fight inflation”

MEME MERDE SEAU DIFFERENT : BORIS JOHNSON maybe MIA during the closes stages of what has been a rollercoaster premiership from walk-in fridge to lavish donor parties, but the UK’s next PM Liz Truss is everywhere at present.

Happily for the beleaguered UK Ms Truss is having none of it as she attempts to woo a tiny percentage of the country with a hot legged Thatcher improv, and ride their votes like a cowgirl all the way into 10 Downing Street.

While many expect the first thing on her agenda will be torching the Johnson’s ghastly new money idea of taste off the hallowed walls of the old townhouse, we maybe pleasantly surprised over what is keeping her up at night.

“Sabotaging Sunak is clearly my only goal at the moment,” Ms Truss told a small group of drooling old men at a local golf course in Norfolk, “but I’ve also half an eye on the cost of living crisis.”

This will be reassuring news for the shadowy funders of the Tory Party, as the main aim of British governance since 2010 is ensuring that the innumerable anonymous bank accounts in British overseas territories are stuffed to bursting with redirected taxpayer cash.

“To navigate the cost of living crisis and protect the UK’s vibrant money laundering and tax evasion sectors will be a key challenge of the next government,” a close observer observes. “Can Ms Truss convince the public that it’s nurses who are to blame for inflation while also enabling Tory donors to enrich themselves during the Monkey Pox pandemic? We have to cross our fingers and hope.”

Crossing fingers isn’t enough for the blonde maniac and Ms Truss has proven that with her latest policy announcement.

“It’s obvious,” she told her audience, before pausing and staring fixedly at a point in the distance no one else could identify, for a full five minutes without blinking. “I’ll call in the army to fight inflation,” she eventually added before blowdrying her hair live on stage into a Thatcheresque bouffant that saw local viagra sales limp that night.

With Ms Truss what you see is what you get, until she decides you want to get something else.