Posted on

BREAKING : TORY MPS to decide if it’s time to change the ship’s captain now they’ve hit the iceberg

THAT SINKING FEELING : THE UK’S PARTY OF GOVERNMENT, THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY, are to go through the motions tonight of deciding whether or not to change leaders, even though it doesn’t actually matter.

“The ship is sinking regardless,” one Cabinet minister told LCD Views. “Only no one else would be stupid enough to put me in the cabinet, and I’m not yet ready to leave politics and remain in it as a full time corporate lobbyist. For this reason I am giving the Captain of our very own Titanic my full support.”

Who is actually behind the steering wheel as the ship of state capsizes and the passengers begin to fall screaming into the freezing waters will at least be entertaining, as befits the legacy of Boris Johnson. It doesn’t matter though because the Tories haven’t put the country through enough pain just yet to change direction.

“We appreciate that Labour is still backing Brexit as a concept,” the MP went on to explain. “It allows us to run out this particular grift a little bit longer. Fear of the electorate is not our concern. We thank the official opposition for doing their bit. It’s why they lose to us so often, no matter how many lives are lost as a direct or indirect result of a our ‘greed is good’ policies. They always back the biggest batshit idea we have and just quibble over the details. So whether Johnson holds fast to the wheel as the hull splits and spills living contents out into the cold hands of waiting death, or some other lunatic, right now it’s of no consequence. Never mind though, we’ll pivot back to the EU shortly and they’ll follow along behind. It’s gives us a chance to win the next general election.”

The ship is sinking and there’s no stopping it. It is of no consequence if Boris Johnson stays or goes on any particular day.

“It’s just he’s such a god awful turd most people can’t wait to see him finally flushed around the S bend of politics.”

Posted on

Brexit benefit! We can now produce coins with the Queen’s head on them for the Jubilee, says Tory MP

HEADS YOU WIN, TAILS YOU WIN TOO: The wicked EU banned us from showing our monarch’s head on coins, claims a prominent Tory MP. This has now changed after Brexit. This is obviously sovereignty in action. 

“And just in time for the Jubilee!” crowed Rose Tinted, the MP for Bunting-in-the-Highstreet. “It’s time we got our money back! No meddling bureaucrat can ever tell us who to put on our coins again.” 

This is an example, she claimed, of acting on the People’s Priorities. 

“Every day on the doorstep, someone will always ask, when can we have the Queen’s head back on our coins?” she claimed implausibly. “But Partygate, I say. The cost of living, I say. No, no, no, the reply comes, we’ve moved on. We want our pride in the pound back. This is the message I receive from my focus group – did I say that? – I mean, from my public, on a daily basis.” 

Tinted refused to accept the fact that British coinage has always had the monarch’s face on the obverse. 

“I don’t recognise that statement,” she said. “It’s about time that we got on with the job of minting and selling commemorative groats with the Queen’s head on them. Only 50 quid each, it’s a bargain, and every household in the country must buy one!” 

It’s incredibly patriotic to produce actual metal discs, made to resemble obsolete currency, with an image of an old lady on one side. This is why we had to Brexit. But when all is said and done, making commemorative tokens because a woman has been in her job for 70 years does not justify an enormous constitutional change. 

“It’s just biased remoaners talking the country down again,” snarled Tinted. “It’s the f*#king Jubilee. Here, wave a little flag and get over it!”

Special Jubilee offer: anyone able to calculate how many Groats to the Guinea without googling will win a very lovely prize!*

*This is Brexit Britain. No you won’t. 

Posted on

Downing Street orders crowns printed on petrol pumps to ease fuel cost crisis

A PATRIOTIC PINT OF SUPER PLEASE : 10 Downing Street has allegedly taken some time out today from phoning backbench Tory MPs to threaten them for failing to support the PM, to focus on the cost of living crisis.

The inability to stop the cost of basic necessities rising to aspirational levels is clearly unrelated to any decision made by the ruling Tories, and definitely nothing to do with Brexit.

“Free trade deals with Mars and Jupiter will solve the minor impact of erecting trade barriers with all our former major trading partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. ”Brexit is not to blame and a memorandum of understanding with Saturn’s rings will see a dramatic fall in the cost of everyday goods just as soon as a colony is established on them in 2604.”

But Downing Street is impatient for faster gains and so is acting now.

“The growth of the bunting and flag sectors has now been maximised by placing crowns on pint glasses. This is the way we will demonstrate the tangible benefits of Brexit. But it’s not just by taking actions we could have taken as part of the EU. We will smash safety and employment standards, and top that off by making the eyewatering cost of fuel an almost sexual experience for all patriots.”

While the full details are still to be worked out it’s believed the major excitement copies what has happened with pints.

“Just imagine how engorged you’ll feel when you see a crown symbol on the petrol pump as you empty your weekly wad into your car? And there is nothing Brussels can do to stop us feeling completely screwed afterwards!”

Posted on

We are focusing on the people’s priorities by bringing back imperial measures, says Boris Johnson

BACK TO THE FUTURE, PART FIFTEENTY HUNDRED AND ELEVENTEEN: The measure of a man is his yardstick. In the case of Boris Johnson, give him 2.54 centimetres, and he will take a lot more than 1.6 kilometres. 

Johnson, predictably, is bullish about the change. He was never one to hide his light under 36.37 litres. 

“People love the old system,” gibbered Johnson in his usual hi-viz jacket, while disrupting one of the few production lines left in the UK. “Everybody loves the Imperial Jackboot. I mean, measures, I mean, erm, yes, no, vaccines, it’s right that we should move on and concentrate on what matters to the public. Crowns on glasses! Half crowns in pockets!” 

Suddenly those quaint old conversion charts from the fifties are selling for huge sums. How many stone to the hundredweight, how many pecks to the bushel, how many inches to the Rod, Jane and Freddy. 

“In for a penny, in for 240d,” remarked Mark Upp, newly created Head of the Brexit Business Cheerleaders (BBC). “The old measures, or should I say the new measures, are not difficult to 1.83 metres. All it means is that England will now be in a 5.6 kilometres of its own.” 

Equally predictably, the Minister for the Early Victorian Period, Jacob Rees-Mogg, put his 30.48 centimetres in it. “People don’t care about fluff like the cost of living,” he said, weighing each sanctimonious syllable carefully, as if on scales calibrated in scruples. “We are putting the Great back into Britain! Sovereignty means bringing back the gold sovereign, the great British 454 grams!” 

Another minister in favour of reintroducing old money was Artificial Stimulants Minister, Michael Gove. “I’m all in favour of the old LSD,” he remarked in a silly voice, pulling faces as he did so. “Groovy man, far out! The sky is melting… wow, cosmic baby… you should try some, it’s seriously good shit…” 

Although he might have been slightly 6.35kg-ed.

Posted on

PM seeking right balance between “laughing at voters” and “staying in power”

OPERATION SAVE FLOATING LOG : The UK’s country beating Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is said to be “fully focused” and “zeroed in“ on what is (in his estimation) the most serious crisis facing the country.

While lesser mortals fret and hand wring over making a tank of petrol more attainable for the aspirational, the PM knows what voters are really focused on is the next twist in the soap opera that is their government.

“Will Big Dog survive to star in the next season?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views. We didn’t answer as they wouldn’t like the truth.

Keeping the public entertained is of course vital for the bread and circuses model of governance the UK now excels at. There’s no one more exhaustive to watch than old Boris.

“How many children will he father in the next season? Will Carrie be replaced by a younger model? You know the trouble and strife gets terribly boring once she’s had a litter. Time to move her out! Which donor will shell out for the next lot of gold wallpaper? The writers behind Boris know what’s vital to keep the fans happy.”

But to keep the fans happy the star of the show needs to continue to outperform the challengers.

“If Johnson can feign just enough false contrition over his serial lawbreaking and play act convincingly over the cost of living crisis Brexit is exacerbating he might just cling on. It’s vital that he does. Who else could distract daily from the dismantling of UK plc for the tax havens?”

Posted on

Now we have left the EU, we can raise parliamentary standards, says Boris Johnson

RIP IT UP AND START AGAIN: Freedom from the rules and order of the EU has given the UK a fantastic opportunity, declares Boris Johnson. We can raise standards even higher by ripping up the ministerial code. 

This Brexit Opportunity is so glaringly obvious, that even the Brexit Opportunities Minister, Jacob Rees-Mogg, didn’t spot it. 

It’s not even the first time this method has been used. The only reason that we can’t hear the sound of all our laws being torn to pieces is that the noise from the non-stop Downing Street party drowns it out. 

In fact, the only thing in Westminster being shredded faster than evidence of Boris Johnson’s misdemeanours is what’s left of the UK’s reputation. 

“We are levelling up standards!” blurted the PM, brandishing an empty wine glass. “Captain Boring Old Rules, you know, what’s his name, that lawyer chappie, yes, no, yes, Sir Fire Starter, twisted fire starter, he would have us shackled to common decency for ever!” 

He burped loudly. “Jeeves! I need a top-up!” He waggled the wine glass impatiently while a flunky tried to refill it. “I’m at work, you know. Hurry up!” 

He drained the glass and Jeeves automatically refilled it. “That’s better. Now go!” he bawled. “Veni, vidi, vino, that’s my blotto motto. Wiff waff. Every day’s a Friday!” 

He waved a crumpled bit of wine-stained paper in the air, like a drunken parody of Neville Chamberlain. “I have here in my hand an assurance from the Standards Committee that they won’t complain that they weren’t invited to the party – I mean the work event, obviously. The new code *belch* will stop the interfering nosy busybodies from investigating me at every turn, so, erm, so what? So sorry, I’ve lost my thread, like Ariadne, now she was a fine filly, phwoarrr, let’s get on the job! I mean, let’s get on WITH the job!”

He stumbled offstage, and the party continued backstage. 

Posted on

Flags reclassified as food by 10 Downing Street

THE TASTE OF SOVEREIGNTY : THE PRIME MINISTER is said to be replete with ideas about hunger today and ready to “strike a blow” at the burgeoning food bank sector.

Concern over the growth of the industry, which just gives food to lazy people, has been growing within Downing Street for “some time”, with especial concern on how to convince people to travel hundreds of miles from home to pick GREAT BRITISH crops, if they’re getting subsistence meals “at the end of their street”.

The coming Jubilee celebrations have provided fresh impetus though and a way to “square the circle” of being one of the wealthiest nations on earth but with a baffling problem of in-work poverty and not enough people to even harvest the food we grow ourselves. Reclassifying flags as food brings it all together and removes any barriers to greatness that stand in the way of our fully independent, sovereign nation.

“Sovereignty is food for the soul and that’s all that really matters in terms of sustenance,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Simply by reclassifying Union Flags as food we can kill two birds with one stone.”

A range of recipes will be released over the coming week and Britons will be encouraged to forage in their streets and cul-de-sacs for flags to eat.

“No child need go hungry when bunting is just hanging on every fence and gate post of this proud nation,” the source explained. “Take your children with you and get all you need for a square meal. Why not settle down and read about Rishi Sunak featuring in the Sunday Times Rich List while you dine?”

Posted on

Royal Mint issues edible coins to prove to poor people you can eat a meal for 30p

AS MUCH GOLD AS YOU CAN EAT : Poor people across the United Kingdom are said to be in a celebratory mood today after the government ordered the Royal Mint to issue edible coinage.

Edible coins are of course no novelty as they occur naturally in a seasonal way each December, but to see their sudden appearance in spring is expected to cause raucous celebrations amongst the workshy and cut a swathe through the burgeoning lines at food banks.

“It looks like Tory spokesman Lee Anderson was bang on for the money,” a layabout welfare scrounger told LCD Views, “excuse me, I’ve got to get to my third zero hours contract job.”

And in a savage retort to the criticisms that it’s not only the cost of purchasing the ingredients, it’s the cooking fuel and equipment that cost too, the coins come pre-cooked with a shelf life significantly longer than any fresh fruit or veg (since Brexit got done).

It is hoped the edible coins will end the tiresome debate over the rising cost of living which is said to have already “bored the PM into a torpor”.

The coins themselves will cost only the face value they are minted with.

“This means that there are real savings to be had now with the weekly grocery bill,” a 10 Downing Street economic whiz told us. “By this time next week the 20p coin will be worth 10p which will make them even cheaper on the second hand market.”

But there is one fly in the ointment, as the first editions have been inadvertently minted in Euro’s and not pence.

“That’s a teething problem,” the spokesman clarified. “Due to mysterious supply chain issues the raw ingredients to make them are currently in short supply in the UK so we’ve contracted the minting to a Dutch-French-German-Slovenian firm.”

Later editions are expected to come in Sterling but until then you can be reassured that “while stuck in a rest of the world queue at a Spanish airport you can at least eat the coins in your pocket.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Downing Street calls in the army to teach poor people to cook

WASTE NOT WANT NOT : 10 Downing Street is said to have emerged from its bunker this morning to charge headfirst at the cost of living crisis and win back the hearts of the people.

“Clearly the PM is not leading the charge as it’s too early in the day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but some SPADS and a few random backbenchers are gung ho and have gone over the top. They’ll be into the enemy trenches by lunchtime and you won’t hear the deafening sound of empty plates in the homes of the poor by the evening, anymore!”

The news will encourage millions who are realising that it won’t be a choice between heating or eating soon, as they won’t be able to afford either.

“The main strategic thrust is to call in the army,” the source explains. “This has worked for every weird crisis afflicting the country since Brexit got done. But none of these crises are in anyway related to getting Brexit done. Let’s just be clear about that.”

Under the scheme specially recruited private sector goons will coordinate with the Home Office and the MOD to locate and isolate anyone poor who is spending more than 30p on a single serving of a meal.

“We can’t have poor people just wasting their hard earned money on food,” the source enthuses. “That’s for Tory MPs to do in the subsidised bars and restaurants of Westminster.”

“Just picture it now, some single mother of three who should be celebrating the demonisation of asylum seekers who have come to steal whatever she has left in her larder, who is instead bemoaning the fact she can’t feed her family on dust? Well! Just imagine the look on her face with a crack squad of army cooks appear at her front door and put a bag over her head. The look of surprise on her face when she finds herself standing in a mess tent on the nearest Common will be priceless, just like everyday supplies in the supermarket.”

The operation to re-educate wasteful, layabout poor people has been named Operation Anderson after the Tory MP who inspired the initiative.

Tory candidate forgets he’s on microphone and asks friend to pose as supporter

Hungry Britons can rest assured that with only the brightest and the best chosen to stand as Tory MPs their incomprehensible ignorance of budget living will soon be a thing of the past.

“Furthermore, this initiative shows the level of aspiration Boris Johnson’s government has for all of you now. Mud. If you can’t make a roast meal out of cheap, readily available soil then you’re letting Britain down and you’ll have the British Army to deal with!”

Posted on

BREAKING : Sue Gray “abducted by aliens”

ONE DAY AT A TIME : They say a key test of anyone’s psychological maturity is the ability to wait patiently for delayed gratification, and the UK’s most famous contemporary scribe, Sue Gray, seems determined to test the UK’s psychological maturity.

Although rumours suggest it is not a reluctance to enter the bestseller charts at No. 1 on the day of release of her magnum opus, but the sheer volume of source material that needs must be researched before she starts her first paragraph.

“That’s nonsense,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman scorched the rumours, “we’ve got her locked in a basement.”

The revelation that Sue Gray is being kept in a Downing Street basement has been met with skepticism however because it is widely reported in Westminster that the basement “is still kitted out like a torture garden for mass orgies, just like it was on the first day of the pandemic”. Which only points to the ability to forecast future needs by the Prime Minister.

Still, the need for the triple album special by the Sue Gray collective, working title “Partygates”, is only growing.

“It is true that the report will boost the UK’s gross domestic output by several percentage points,” the Downing Street spokesman said, returning to the podium, “but that’s no reason to release it. Poor people have plenty of mud to eat.”

While the waiting and speculation is certain to continue the most viable reason remaining for the delay in release of a statement of the blindingly obvious is that Sue Gray has been abducted by aliens. The only thing remaining now is for the right obscure Tory MP to be selected and shoved into the public glare to declare it.