Category: Inappropriate language

THREE WISE MONKEYS : Labour’s next leader, John McDonnell, took to Twitter today to announce he is to begin talks with the Tories to form a coalition government after ‘getting it’ about local election results.

”We get it, we really do,” John told a confused nation just looking for clarity, “Labour losing seats yesterday, while the party of government also lost seats, additionally UKIP losing seats, while the pro-Remain parties picked up loads of seats, is a clear message that traditional Labour voters want us to help the Tories deliver Brexit, now more than ever.”

The reassurance from John, and Labour’s prize idiot, Bazza, that they are doing all they can to save Brexit, will be applauded most loudly by Laura Kuenssberg, among others.

”Our voters aren’t draining away like air out of a punctured beach ball because we’re a pro-Brexit party in talks with the Tories,” John reiterated, “they’re failing to flock to us in the face of the most vicious and incompetent, hard right serving government, because we’re not moving fast enough to strip them of FOM and other valuable rights afforded by EU membership,

”To this end we will be forming a coalition government ASAP with Theresa May to ensure we have sufficient votes in parliament to jam through whatever bullshit fudgeberg we settle on to serve the horseshoe of our ideological aims.”

The news of ever greater cooperation will be welcomed, most especially Bazza’s wonderful soundbite on the tele last night as he attempted to spin Labour’s failure to be an opposition.

”For anyone who’s been told by a keen Labour activist to fuck off and vote Tory, or labelled a fibdem, or blamed for rising homelessness by a Corbynite for querying the leader’s support of a hard right political con job, Bazza’s little slip up will be music to the ears.”

In order to cement the authority of the new coalition government an election will not be held, because both dinosaur lead parties are fully aware no one will vote for it. And besides, the people had a vote, years ago.

PANTS FIRES : Up and coming politician (and circus tent owner), Boris ‘Poundstore Trump’ Johnson (that’s his porn name), was forced into deleting one of his Tweets today when an attempt at humour backfired.

“Boris is well known for his flights of fancy,” our social media watcher commented, “most notably about how good he would be as prime minister. And it seems that deep and craven desire to be worshiped as a living god, to fill a hole so hungry in his shallow insides it’s amazing he’s not yet a supernovae, got the better of him.”

It seems the mishap occurred when Boris took to Twitter to proclaim he had received a promotion:

“I would like to ah, um, humbly, aaaarrrh, as Midas said to the golden fleece, let my people go free! And it is with the deepest sense of bondage (that’s what dating younger fillies gets you) I would like to express my fanbubbliyumshest joy at being elected to serve as the UK’s 46th Prime Minister in today’s local erections”

All so normal and so fine, so what went wrong?

“It appears he misspelt election and that’s just for starters.”

What else is wrong with the Tweet?

“Seriously?”

That’s why we pay you to be here, random figment of the imagination.

“It wasn’t a general erection yesterday and you can’t be elected prime minister by local erection results.”

Wow!

“I know. Nuts right? Our voting system really does need an overhaul.”

So are you saying, allegedly, Poundstore deliberately set out to mislead the great British public by lying?

“I’d put it another way.”

Which way?

“Boris Johnson used Twitter while breathing.”

SORT YOUR OWN HOUSE OUT : There’s a diplomatic storm brewing today between Westminster and Denmark after the Danish ambassador, Larg Truthsson, demanded revision of one of the most famous lines in English historical drama.

”It’s believed the problem began when the Prime Minister invited the Danish ambassador, without first alerting the FCO, to a private performance of Hamlet,” a Westminster insider told LCD Views.

”In the play the absolute boy Jeremy Corbyn plays the famous prince, who has such a chronic case of fencesitting that it ends terribly for everybody.”

It’s believed rehearsals for the play have been run side by side with the talks occurring between the government and Labour.

The aim of the cross party talks is to try and stitch the British people up with a Brexit fudge.

One that not only makes hedge fund traders much richer, rewards foreign powers for their meddling in our referendums. but then also allows Labour to takeover a government enjoying Henry VIII powers and nationalise everything they can get their hands on, effectively creating a mid-20th century utopia, just like the fevered dreams of Labour’s unelected spokesman.”

Apparently there was no problem with Mr Corbyn’s acting, described by watchers as “completely immersive” and “totally method”.

The Danish ambassador lost it when one of the bit part characters, played by Priti Patel (famous for having to resign from cabinet after trying to secretly funnel funds to a foreign military) says to another, played by disgraced former defence minister Liam Fox, that “something is rotten in the state of Denmark.”

The Danish ambassador, who has a longstanding and deserved reputation for being able to suffer fools, just lost it.

”Denmark? What about sorting your own house out before sledging Denmark. Isn’t it time this bloody line was revised to reflect modern realities?”

Looking at the looooong list of moral depravity, lies and the fact that both the government and official opposition are prepared to base the entire direction of the U.K. on a corrupted opinion poll, now several years old, Larg Truthsson may have a point…

SPOILT AND CROSSED : LCD Views has heard from a woman today who is planning to spoil her local election ballot paper tomorrow by writing in “Brexit Party”.

“It’s the party I work for in reality, so it’s the party I should be able to vote for,” the woman said, looking seriously peeved, “my entire working life has been dedicated since mid 2016 to the success of The Brexit Party. Before that I moved mountains to establish just the right kind of fertile soil of acceptable racism in public discourse, through my remit as a middle manager, and by trimming budgets and by establishing a policy framework that was hostile to the people the Brexit Party is also hostile too. It’s my party. I’m going to vote for it.”

But surely there are established parties, actually standing candidates in your area, that align closely enough to your political objectives who you can vote for?

“I’m not voting Conservative! Have you seen what they’ve done to local services? They’re ruining the social fabric of the country for the greed of tax dodgers and far right media moguls. It’s appalling.”

What about Labour? They’re also a Brexit Party. Anyone who thinks otherwise must have a real appetite for political fudge.

“I am tempted to vote for them, but only if they reaffirm their constantly reaffirmed commitment to end FOM. I’m not quite there though. I’d like them to more completely abandon the millions of EU27 citizens who moved here in recent decades in good faith and are now having their world turned upside down and inside out by the government’s retrospective law changes to immigration. They’re an exceptionally large and very vulnerable community. Let’s punish them because they were silly enough not to be born in an English shire.”

And there’s UKIP.

“That’s just a vote for the Conservatives. No.”

So you’re definitely writing Farage’s new party onto the ballot?

“It’s a protest vote. It’s not really a party, rather more a front for a far right insurgency almost certainly funded by offshore money. Think of the volatility in the exchange markets if they make greater strides? I’ve got to think about what I’ll live on when I retire after all. Yes. It’s the fallen over sideways, burning house of horror for me. I’ll even take my own permanent marker in to ensure no one rubs out my spoilt, little ballot.”

I’M YOUR GREATEST FAN : A man is reported to be openly thrilled after a nanny sent him a secret crush notification on a social media platform.

“He’s been seen skipping across College Green without a care in the world,” a witness claimed to remember, “which is a little strange, because normally he’s wheeled across it in a pushchair by a matronly looking lady.”

It’s not certain what time the notification first appeared in the man’s notifications, but it must have been very recent.

“It’s really sweet. I hear the two have a very close relationship already, very close, but to have an actual symbol of it after so many years must be very special. It’s really lifted his spirits and they needed it after his pet political project ran a little bit off the rails.”

And the ability to send such secret notifications isn’t only lifting the man’s feelings. It’s rumoured that Boris Johnson received one this morning from Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage received one not only from Nigel Farage, but also Steve Bannon.

“That made things a little tricky. Nigel immediately boasted to Boris that he had one from Steve and Boris went into a right rage, so then Nigel had to tell Steve he better send one to Boris. Love triangles of the far right kind always get messy.”

But they weren’t the only ones to jump right into using the new crushability.

“Apparently the PM sent one to the LOTO, telling him ‘I’m your greatest fan. Without you I’d be finished. Just imagine the horror of a leader of the opposition actually opposed to Brexit? All those open goals. I’d be out on my ear. I can’t tell you how deep my crush is, but at least now it’s no longer secret.”

Intrigued by the decision to add this ability we decided to get a word from Facepamphlet, the social media platform responsible for introducing it.

“Many people’s friends lists have become too large and unmanageable. For this reason we’ve introduced secret crush notifications. Now you can prune that overly long list right down, while now freaking out about how to avoid the random guy from accounts who you drunkenly added to your friend’s list at the Christmas party, before forgetting all about him and getting on with your life.”

https://mashable.com/article/facebook-dating-secret-crush/?europe=true

BREAKING : LCD Views has the completely imagined scoop today that Tory MP for Destruction, Chris Grayling, has been revealed as the campaign strategist for Andrew Adonis in the EU elections, which may or may not, be happening in the UK on the 23rd May 2019.

“He was the right man for the job, whatever the outcome,” an insider claiming to work in Andrew’s office told LCD Views, “Chris gets things done, not necessarily with any relation to the criteria established at the start, but still, just ask the ferryless ferry company, he’ll get you a result. In particular if you’re a Tory who just lives to funnel taxpayer money into private pockets, that’s the only result that matters, the quality of service provided is not important. So as a man with a reputation for action he was a prize recruit. He was certain to get a result that would catch everyone’s attention.”

And it seems he has. Best known for orchestrating the rise of Theresa May into 10 Downing Street, it’s thought Chris had some spare time on his hands before he begins planning for President Trump’s state visit in June.

“It had to have been Chris Grayling’s idea for Andrew Adonis to kickstart his campaign to become an MEP by cutting and posting Lexit spin bollocks onto his social media account and then ignoring the baffled outrage that resulted. Talk about knocking Nigel off the top spot amongst the chattering classes. Bullseye!”

While neither Mr Grayling or Mr Adonis have confirmed that he is working to help get Andrew elected as an MEP, or not elected as an MEP, we are certain his handiwork is all over the campaign, given the last 24 hours.

“It’s either that or Seamus and the other Corbynista’s have kidnapped Adonis and tied him to the same chair they keep Starmer tied to. They only get bread and water if they promise to say ‘respect the result of the referendum’ every day. Otherwise they get the hose…again.”

We wish Mr Adonis good luck with his career. He shone a light for people who want to vote Labour, but don’t feel they can currently because of the leadership’s support of Brexit, and one day it was felt, so long as senior and vocal figures like the Labour Peer stood steadfast for rule of law and the country’s interests, one day, everyone could come home.

Now, well, lots of people are redoubling their efforts to find a new home, judging by posts on social media. WTF Andrew Adonis. WTF.

10 Downing Street is not messing about today over the perceived threat from Greta Thunberg, the 16 year old Swedish climate change activist who has terrified middle aged men and women across the United Kingdom with her fact based activism.

“We’re also ordering an immediate gagging of all 16 year olds in the United Kingdom just in case they’ve been influenced by Ms Thunberg,” a Downing Street spokesman announced from the podium outside 10 Downing Street, “it’s an unprecedented move granted, to simultaneously close all 16 year old social media accounts in the United Kingdom, but it’s really just a trial run for how we’ll manage social media in the country once we’ve made a success out of Brexit anyway.”

Emergency parliamentary questions are already being tabled by no less than the entirety of the Conservative Party’s Westminster MPs, and numerous Labour ones in favour of a return to coal mining, as to how in hell the Home Office allowed the child to visit the country in the first place, when her stance on not letting the Earth become a boiling pot of piss that only extreme bacteria can survive in was already well known.

“Sajid is in the hot seat now,” a giddy aide to the PM told us, “he can forget his leadership ambitions if he can’t keep such dangerous thinkers out of the country.”

In defence of the grievous error to refuse the climate change activist admission to the UK, Mr Javid blamed the EU’s scandalous policy of freedom of movement.

“We’re going to put a stop to it right now, unilaterally and the EU can go whistle,” his office reassured, “just until we can work out what the hell is going on. Our phones are in meltdown with the fossil fuel lobby going bananas over this. We’ve already lost party funding from most of business, excepting hedge funds, if we lose big oil too the entire future of the Conservative Party is at risk. Whereas right now it’s about as secure as a polar bear in possession of sunglasses.”

As to how the refusal to allow Ms Thunberg to return will be explained to her, should she attempt to do so and risk an embarrassing international fuss, a government source said the official line will be she creates ‘a hostile environment for political fossils who are blithely ignoring how we’re killing the planet we expect our children to live on. That’s not on. Hostile environments are Ms May’s preserve and hers alone.”

A British man has been identified by Wikipedia as being behind the falsifying of the Statue of Liberty’s Wikipedia page.

“It’s believed the British Foreign Secretary took umbrage at being owned by a departing French diplomat over waning U.K. influence in Washington, as a direct result of the stupidity of Brexit, and decided on the action,” a spokesman claiming to speak for Wikipedia said, “action has been taken to correct the intellectual vandalism on our website.”

It’s believed the page is also considering barring Mr Hunt from editing the page in future, but will stop short of banning him outright.

”Pretty much every member of the current U.K. government could do with a history lesson,” the spokesman added, “that goes further than dates of famous historical battles won by English generals. We would encourage Mr Hunt to read up and learn.”

A spokesman for the Foreign and Commonwealth Office was approached for a statement but the only reply was an extended groan of pain, followed by a short statement,

“First Boris and now this immature plank. When will it ever end?”

While the intellectual vandalism of the Statue of Liberty’s page is easily corrected, it’s not certain how fast the intellectual and moral vandalism currently being performed on the entirety of the U.K. can be repaired.

”If the shower currently in government aren’t got out soon it’s likely that the U.K. will only be written about in past tense on our page going forward.”

Jeremy Hunt himself has not been approached for comment, believed to currently be engaged in arguing with a toddler over whose dad is biggest.

BROKEN : The UK’s foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt is believed to have celebrated Saint George’s Day by writing to the Georgian President accusing his country of culturally appropriating the first English born saint.

“Putting extra English flags in your flag isn’t fooling anyone,” England’s foreign secretary is said to have sternly rebuked the Georgian state, “not to mention naming your entire country after a famous English dragon slayer everyone knows was born in Basildon in AD45.”

It’s not yet clear how the Georgian government will respond to the surprising missive, but Mr Hunt was forthright in telling how he believed the sudden diplomatic furore could be resolved.

”Barry. Graham. Arnold. Any baby names book will give you a long list of male names to choose from when renaming your country to better enhance your relationship with the burgeoning global powerhouse that is post-Brexit Britain. I suggest you do a google search first though to ensure there isn’t already a country called Roger.”

And it’s not just Georgia that is in the firing line as the Tory contender for next PM takes steps to shore up his nativist support base.

”Jeremy will also be writing to the Palestinians to express surprise at how many of their men have the natural English name of George. And to the Roman Empire to urge them to promote Saint George to a rank fitting with his status in England.”

Our own Saint watcher had this to say:

”It’s a pain in the backside, to understate it, how the right wing appropriate our cultural symbols and toxify them. They’ve made Saint George’s Day a problematic event for many now and to be honest it was a damn sight better when all the racists were kept in a box.”

The Georgian government is yet to respond, which it is believed sets the trend for how many nations, large and small, will deal with the U.K. if it doesn’t recover its senses.

BROKEN : LCD Views can report the scoop today that Gammon First leaders have glued themselves to a butcher’s shop to protest a social media ban.

”It’s not on,” one salty mouthpiece hollered, “well I am, on the butcher’s shop window, but the silencing of my lie strewn hate and bigotry will not stand. And if the cramps in my legs get any worse, neither will I.”

While the ban on the groups and individuals has been welcomed by many, concerned that social media platforms have done little thus far to curb the propaganda that is fuelling a social climate similar to the 1930’s, some have confessed concern as to the unintended consequences of the ban.

”I’ll have to share a lot more cat memes,” one avid far right page follower sighed, “and I’m not sure there’s enough new ones to go around.”

There is also concern that people may start viewing others with less suspicion.

”I might have to try taking to people who look different to myself,” another worried, “without the constant reinforcement of stereotypes and misrepresentation of ‘others’ I could accidentally discover that people are just people. Years of my life may have been wasted. It’s not on.”

The effectiveness of the butcher’s shop protest has also been called into question. It appears to have had nowhere near the success of the climate change ones.

”People are just asking the butcher how much for a pound of the gammon in the window?” a disgruntled hatemonger moaned, “and my sunburn looks like turning into cracking. Someone rub some more salt in!”

Another unintended consequence maybe the severance of lucrative funding streams made possible by the social media platforms.

”I might have to get a real job?” little Tommy fumed, “and that is really not on!”