Category: Inappropriate language

Facepamphlet CEO M. Zuckerberg is reportedly terrified by an ancient prophecy that in the end it’ll only be him and his parents left on  Facepamphlet.

The co-founder of arguably the grandparent of social media platforms is said to have heard the prophecy while asking the temporary inmates in the drunk tank of his local police station what they would like in the next algorithm change.

LCD Views’ social media analyst spoke to an aide to the zeitgeist shepherd to learn more.

“It was all going as it usually does,” Ms P Age told LCD, “Mark dropped by the local police station with his dictaphone to record the ramblings of the drunks locked up so he could have a bunch of teenagers hidden in his bunker in California code it up into an algorithm.”

But it appears, due to overcrowding, there was a mysterious, shawled woman rocking in a corner of the drunk tank.

“He approached her as he thought she was scared, but when he got close he realised she was chanting.”

It’s believed the chants were in an ancient Aztec language of prophecy that the woman had learned off a Facepamphlet group dedicated to soothsaying.

“She snapped her head back, her eyes rolling into the backing of her head, extended a bony finger and that’s when she spoke the words that chilled him to his core.”

It’s believed he was so spooked by the prophecy that it would one day only be him and his parents left that he fled without getting the notes for the next algorithm.

“It’s a shame, but he’s plenty of suggestions from other sessions.”

The top ranking suggestions for how to change the algorithm again are listed below,

1. Use the algorithm supermarkets use to rearrange shelves so you spend longer looking for cheese and slowly go insane while not actually spending more out of frustration.

2. Hide all your best friends’ posts and then start a rumour they are talking about you.

3. Bring back the much loved and perfect chronological newsfeed, but only for a day, just to break everyone’s mind.

Three is expected to lead to a sudden uptake amongst younger users, who have little use for a social media platform that gives them the latest news about their friends days late, in a dump, that just rubs in how much they missed.

4. Only show one post of someone you like each day and fill the rest with adverts for tinned foods.

5. Block all friends and decide who users will be friends with next.

“All those changes will still go ahead, because if you’re not fixing something that isn’t broken you’re not improving it,” the aide added, “and if you do break something that was fine you are never, never to reverse course, because that shows weakness.”

The prophecy is expected to be fulfilled by the end of 2018, after the autumn algorithm change to just show the most popular post from a friend that you never interact with, from the first year you joined, over and over until you finally give in and comment on it.

Twitter are said to be delighted, as the ditching of the chronological newsfeed has meant people are turning to it for up to date news now, mixed with instagram photos of what their friends ate that day.

Brexit linguists are reacting furiously this morning to a report from the Institute for Language in Industry, which concludes the famous saying “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” has been found not to apply to Brexit.

“We deny it,” fumed Mr Figel Narage, speaking on behalf of a shrinking minority of Brits labelled ‘the people’.

“This is just part of the secret plot to sabotage the journey to the sunny uplands.

Did the institute even attempt the experiment of having a vibrant, hi-tech industry like the automotive sector after rapidly pulling prematurely out of the largest trading bloc on earth?

I bet you they didn’t. This is pioneering stuff we’re about. It’s what made Britain great!”

Questioned how he could be so certain that introducing any degree of disruption into just in time, cross border manufacturing systems wouldn’t undermine the profitability of the sector and causes massive job losses, Mr Narage responded,

“Pure speculation designed by traitors to undermine the glorious future the United Kingdom will have when people like my puppet masters can trade the whole country like a commodity such as cheese.

I wouldn’t listen to any cunning linguist if I were you. I certainly can’t stand it.”

Quite. Hardly surprising.

But the Institute was not getting off the front foot.

“We took forty seven rats and we subjected them to a diet solely based on a formula of vague reassurances and blithe statements, and long grass. Half died in minutes. The rest turned to cannibalism and right now, the last two rats are having a fight to the death. The winner will presumably exist on food parcels flown in from France and via self-cannibalism afterwards.

Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger didn’t even get a look in, didn’t even get a start for the majority of test subjects. Although of course, whoever is crowned King Rat will claim the opposite, until he’s eaten his arm off.”

So there we are. Don’t try this at home.

On a side note, the exhaustive research undertaken to write this article suggest the phrase in the title is of Japanese origin (other searches returned Chinese and Korean).

If it is of Japanese origin it’s a fitting phrase, given the polite warnings the Japanese representatives have been giving about the future of their business interests.

Now, over to Nigel Farage for a rebuttal, oh, hang on, he’s on a conference call between some of Trump’s minions and bots based in Moscow. We’ll wait.

LCD Views would offer the alternative phrase however that, “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger”, because Heath Ledger just nailed the Joker back in the day, in a way that made the heart beat stronger.

“Running through wheat”, the collected letters of T May to people she admires, letter No 1

Dear J C,

I hope I do not embarrass you, writing to you in this way, in secret?

I must confess I feel a little sheepish. Almost as if I am doing something I should not. Talking to the enemy feels so naughty, I had to check the walk-in wardrobe for a farmer.

But why shouldn’t two grown ups write to each other. I have left the question mark off the end of that sentence, because it is rhetorical.

When I conceived of the plan of writing to you I felt strong and stable, but now, faced with the reality of putting pen to paper I find I do not know which way to turn.

Do you often feel the same? Unable to decide what to do at times of crisis?

The really big decisions in life, like, how heavy a chain to wear around your neck so as to appear truly powerful?

What thickness leather trousers to wear when relaxing?

Whether or not to destroy the entire automotive manufacturing sector in your country because some excitable types in your party believe that everything will be printed out in 2D shortly, even the workers?

We do like a bit of mismanaged decline. What about you?

I won’t write much longer as I know you are building a movement. It seems very zen of you, to start something perfect that you will throw away as soon as you have finished.

But I feel I should thank you.

Thank you.

We should go hill walking together one day. I will show you things you wouldn’t believe.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. They are all moments which will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

I feel a bit funny now. Almost as if my batteries need charging.

Write back to me.

I can’t do Brexit without you.

Best regards,

Your secret admirer

(Not so secret now! Blush!)

The BBC was on the back foot and in denial mode against accusations they have replaced the presenters of their flagship Today programme on Radio 4 with a broken record of classic Brexit catchphrases.

“I don’t know where you’re getting that rubbish from?” Today editor Camber Sands fumed at LCD Views when we asked her to comment.

“The same happy gang as always is still presenting the Today programme.

Why ever would you think we’d swap John Humphrys for a vinyl recording of John Humphrys shouting classic Brexit catchphrases at interviewees instead of having an interview?

We’d hardly do it to save money.

John only costs us a bit shy of £400K a year now. Real value for money if you just want someone to essentially regurgitate the Brexit MP’s hot air and not actually interrogate the changing landscape relating to the issue.

And it’s also easily justifiable when you consider how readily John appears to accept the importance of daily supporting the democratically elected government.

He could probably earn twice that writing Tory friendly headlines for the MailOnLoan, I mean online. Or working for a media friendly environment in North Korea?”

In spite of the denials from the editors of the once great ship of British broadcasting, it seems many listeners suspect there is no smoke without fire.

“Were you listening when he interviewed one those Best for Britain chaps this morning?

May as well have had Farage doing it. Or a recording of Farage.

Actually we could save a bundle on license fees by just having recordings of Nigel Farage shout “Sieg Heil!” at people being interviewed about Brexit.

Then he could play old music hall classics like “My Old Man’s A National Socialist”, as sometimes I think the political folk are holding too far back from going full Farage on Brexit.

Light Nig won’t clean out the saboteurs and traitors attempting to undermine and subvert the will of the people!”

We did approach Mr Humphrys for a comment directly, and he even seemed to answer his phone.

But all we heard down the other end of the line was a scratchy noise punctuated by what sounded like a needle bumping along an old vinyl record.”

Will of the people. The people have spoken. Now let the people be quiet.

Over to you John for the weather,

“YOU DON’T PAY ME HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS A YEAR TO SHOUT THE WEATHER!

THIS IS UNDERMINING THE DEMOCRATIC MANDATE EXPRESSED OVERWHELMING WHEN THE PEOPLE VOTED IN THE TOTALLY NON-ADVISABLE REFERENDUM IN 2016 TO BLOW THEIR BLOODY HEADS OFF BY WAY OF ECONOMIC INSANITY.”

PLEASE…John, please stop shouting Brexit slogans, although to be fair, there was actually a lot more variety in that statement than usual these days.

Now, over the Nick Robinson for an update on the changing attitudes of the people of Britain as regards Brexit?

And maybe a comment on the latest leaks regarding the government’s own regional economic forecasts for a hard Brexit?

…..(just silence)…..(and more silence)….the people have spoken.

Fresh fears for world peace today after megacorp Apple included a predictive ‘Bojo chat’ in the latest iPhone update for use when texting foreign friends.

“In theory the new predictive Boris text should make it easier to complete sentences to friends who speak more than one language, i.e., not British friends,” LCD Views’ technology whizz, Dr Whizz, commented.

But it seems early results of the global live beta test have returned some alarming results?

“Indeed. Already over a million British people have lost friends from other countries. It’s really alarming.

Apple are facing calls from many organisations, including the UN no less, to release a fresh update that cancels out the Boris Johnson function before more harm is done. This could potentially trigger a localised war if high ranking government officials accidentally use it.”

But what’s going wrong?

“The amount of unintended insults that are being written in foreign languages is the chief gripe,” Dr Whizz said, “and the intended ones too, they’re also causing a lot of harm.”

It seems the situation is worsened by the inability to turn the function, already nicknamed ‘Bojo chat’ (by text savvy types), off.

“Yes. And some users have reported that it actually sends messages to people at random from your contact list. This is most likely if you’ve already had an exchange with someone that didn’t go as well as you liked.

Bojo chat will wait until the phone has been untouched for a certain period of time, normally five minutes as this is judged long enough to decide a user is asleep in 2018, and then send follow up texts to depeen whatever misunderstanding or insult has occurred.”

Apparently it’s even caused an engaged couple to call off their wedding?

“More than one. It seems particularly interested in causing breakdown in harmony between English and French or English and German people.

One distressed man from London said he woke up to find Bojo app had destroyed his engagement to a French woman, who was visiting family in Paris, while he was in the shower.

The phone had followed up a minor misunderstanding about the flower arrangements for their wedding with a message that read,

‘Pifflepoffle cheese eating banana straightening surrender monkey I wouldn’t be caught dead in your bed unless you were already married to someone else you catastrophic mung bean piling wintertazzle!’, but in French.”

How have Apple responded to the complaints and what do they intend to do to correct it?

“They’ve claimed it is a great success. It proves how advanced their AI modelling of Boris Johnson is. And much like Facepamphlet making an algorithm change that drives everyone nuts, we need them more than they need us, so we can just suck it up.”

Based on all this we would suggest just phoning a friend from now on instead.

Fantastic news for patriots in the market for gongs today with the announcement that the new ‘Order of the Big Friendly Boris Bus’, OBFBB, has been created and will be dished out at the next new year’s honours.

LCD Views was the only media organisation at Windsor Palace to hear the announcement read out by a man wearing a suit hired just for the occasion.

“It is with great fantabbleloosely contubulations that I announce that a new order has been created specifically to recognise the twin contributions of Boris Johnson MP and big, red buses to our country’s dwindling sense of democracy.”

The gong, which has been designed by a team drawn jointly from Hugo Boss and Adidas, is currently awaiting the royal stamp of approval, but that is just a formality because we are only a constitutional monarchy.

“The flaming bald eagle tearing the NHS symbol off the top of the big red bus is a touching emblem of where we are currently and I trust anyone honoured with a OBFBB will wear it with the excessive, overwhelming, dazzle-tazzle-bazzle-wazzle-petuniaistic multiple-orgasm wibble fitting its inspiration.”

While the entire country is certain to get behind the new honour and praise highly anyone who receives it, it’s creation is not without controversy.

“Lastly I would like to address the unease surrounding the capturing of the imagery needed for the sculptors to create the honour.

We think it unbecoming that the country is not entirely grateful that Donald Trump was able to visit England, however briefly, to set a bald eagle on fire for our photographer to capture.

The photographer was badly burnt in the process of cornering the bird and forcing it to clasp a symbol of the NHS.

It would be nice if people could recognise the personal sacrifice of all involved and stop moaning about the cost, which at £200 million pounds a week, taken so far from the NHS budget, is hardly excessive to pay for some devious, lying, self promoting, irresponsible tart of a politician to feel happier with himself when he’s practising autoerotic asphyxiation in a dirty bathroom attached to a small room off a motorway no one much drives down anymore, thanks to Brexit.”

It is confirmed that the reference to the act above was blatantly thrown in to get a reaction, much like everything Boris does with the media.

If you expect to be honoured with a OBFBB we suggest you talk to a travel agent first, as you’d have to be the sort of catastrophic politician who will be fleeing the country seeking exile sometime in the next year or two.

Make sure you bend the knee when you receive the honour and then make sure you flee.

Exciting news today regarding action to weed out online extremism with the breaking news that Google, Facebook, Twitter and the other ones have responded to May’s call to crackdown on extremists online by immediately shutting down the Conservative Party homepage and other accounts.

“It’s about time something was done,” LCD Views’ social media specialist commented, “have you seen the bile and drivel that gets published on those extremist outlets? Just the stories about the NHS alone, never mind all the Brexit propaganda.”

It was expected that the new fake news watchdog, being set up by the Prime Minister, would take any of the articles and memes published on Tory party platforms down the moment they appear.

“At least the fake news watchdog will be free to focus on anything at all ever published by Newscorp and the Daily Mail, the Torygraph, the Onion, the Canary, the Gruniad and those occasional moments Owen Jones loses his mind over Brexit.”

Although some other social media analysts have speculated that with the recent spate of bad news stories regarding prominent Conservative party figures, the big beasts of the internet could have saved themselves the time and effort.

“Most Tories are busy deleting their entire internet history right now, they’re so up to their necks in potential blowback.

Nadia Zahawi has had to shut his instagram account down, something to do with a fundraiser he attended the other night.

And of course Ben Bradshaw is on a total social media ban.

Damien Green is seeking out to destroy any computer he’s ever touched to clear his browser history.

Priti Patel has had to remove all her travel blogs, and she was so proud of them too. It goes on and on.”

Still, with such proactive measures on the part of the giants of the online world, at least for a while the online world will be a little safer to navigate.

“They’re leaving UKIP’s stuff online though, it’s just too funny.”

The Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, has announced he is to begin building ‘the A-nal’, a submarine tunnel to be built under the Atlantic and linking 10 Downing Street directly to Trump Towers.

“The special relationship can only get closer once we have a entered a deep and lengthy tunnel penetrating right to the heart of power.” Mr Johnson asserted,

“although, never having tunnelled in this direction before, we will have to go slowly at first. But I’m sure, once we get into the swing of it down there, we’ll be full steam ahead!”

The motivation for the idea appears to be the need to deepen the special relationship between the United Kingdom and Donald Trump ahead of the free trade agreement talks with the USA.

“Such a tunnel will be a bridge,” Boris affirmed, “and I’m certain our special American friend will bend over backwards and reach around as far as he needs to so we all enjoy the moment in unison.”

Critics have cited the sheer cost of the lubricants required to make it all the way under the Atlantic and out the other side.

“You can’t both tunnel at once,” marine engineer Prof Anne U. Sol asserted, “we’ll have to take it in turns. Do we have the time required? I doubt it.”

But Boris is unashamed and determined to,

“Get down and dirty and make the A-nal a symbol of the kind of future we can expect once we’ve left the EU and set ourselves free for new experiences globally.”

Donald Trump is yet to respond to the idea, so busy buggering the United States senseless, it’s not certain he’ll have time to get involved.

“It’s a fantastic idea,” a leading evangelical supporter of the president responded,

“just the sort of act I’ve been promoting in private for years.”

Exciting news for future generations of school children today with the announcement from the Department of Education that the Sun’s “Bayeux Tapestry” mock up is to replace all medieval history texts in post Brexit curriculums.

“It’s all the children of tomorrow will need to know,” Whoever is Education Secretary today told LCD, “it fits right in with the victors writing history. One of our guiding principles. It sits inside the will of the people very comfortably.”

The new units won’t be available to teach today, so anyone hoping to graduate from school this year will be failed and have to go back and retake the year.

“Any university history degree gained since British triumph in 1066 will also be null and void. Schama, Hughes, Starkey, they’re all going back to a comprehensive near you. This will better prepare them for when they do university again.”

To cement the fact of Global Britain’s victory over the EU at Hastings, the Sun has generously offered to send all leaders of the EU 27 laminated copies of the correct Bayeux Tapestry.

“It’s very kind of British Prime Minister Rupert Murdoch to make this offer. We would like to thank him from the bottom of our hearts.”

Not a very deep thank you then.

“We urge Macron to take deputy PM, Ms May’s, offer of setting up a conference call between her boss and the kingdom of France too. Lest he feel the lash of a sun flare. You can’t govern without the tabloids dictating your agenda.

Every school kid already knows that, thanks to the overwhelming mandate delivered by the people of Great Britain to cast off the shackles of the bloated and dying EU and seek a new future as a bold and confident outpost of the US and China.”

It’s believed the initial offer to Macron was the skeleton of Napoleon’s horse, but he politely turned it down, saying you better keep it for food after Brexit.

Roger Bolton, de facto head of the Conservative Party political goals and social media strategy unit, has informed all party members that the new social media strategy is to delete everything posted online before yesterday, just in case.

“Just till we can work out what the hell is going on,” Mr Bolton explained,

“apparently some of our younger, more media savvy members have a back catalogue of statements, even videos, that are ahead of their time.”

It’s believed the directive will stay in place until the unit figures out how to best use social media for the classic dead cat days.

“You know those days when a hospital closes due to only having toddlers available as play nurses, no real nurses left. Tends to play a bit poorly amongst the welfare scrounging demographics.”

In the usual run of things an MP no one has heard of, not even in the constituency they represent, is ordered to say something a bit exciting.

“Draws the media scrum away from the bad news event. A little peak into the soul of the party is a small price to pay.”

While this is still a viable play, look at the recent example of Annie Mary Morrish, the unit believes they need to work out how to use it effectively on social media.

“To get the whippersnappers engaged.”

But critics of the strategy, from within the party, don’t think the directive goes far enough.

“We need to install an auto-destruct mechanism on all social media accounts,” C Rocodile MP, Turtle on Fencepost, tweeted to the official Con twitter account,

“in fact it would be a damn sight easier if we just pulled out of the SM [social media] altogether and closed all our accounts.”

Pull off into orbit and nuke Twitter from space?

“It’s the only way to be sure.”

C Rocodile next posted a compilation of royal bums to which people are invited to give a “phwoar” rating.

Fortunately for the MP everything he does online today will vanish on Saturday.